I just sit in my seat, and hear music, watching
a video and then to another one, on repeat.
Now it’s Frank Iero’s 2.5MG Just Ain’t Enough For Me, and I’ll have to hear it once again at evening, I have better ears and brain at night.
I have better brain function after four pm and better body before four pm, and that explains very well many things.
For example why I trip on and get hurt by them on morning even though they are clearly visible at morning time, and why I write and blog more at the evening, I almost made myself laugh, like my blog writing is deep and thoughtful!
Now it’s Frank Iero’s 2.5MG Just Ain’t Enough For Me, and I’ll have to hear it once again at evening, I have better ears and brain at night.
I have better brain function after four pm and better body before four pm, and that explains very well many things.
For example why I trip on and get hurt by them on morning even though they are clearly visible at morning time, and why I write and blog more at the evening, I almost made myself laugh, like my blog writing is deep and thoughtful!
I think my period is over, finally!
It explains why I had that long emotion wave last night, phew, it was exhausting and I’m glad it’s over! Thinking about it, it’s such a small price for ignoring most of my emotions and having the ability to turn them on or off.
I want some pita and pesto, it’s the best thing ever; maybe not, considering that every once in a while I have a favourite meal and I only eat it (or eat as many times as I can) and I work this way, so it’s not necessarily the best thing ever, it can be a relatively good in front of other things.
It explains why I had that long emotion wave last night, phew, it was exhausting and I’m glad it’s over! Thinking about it, it’s such a small price for ignoring most of my emotions and having the ability to turn them on or off.
I want some pita and pesto, it’s the best thing ever; maybe not, considering that every once in a while I have a favourite meal and I only eat it (or eat as many times as I can) and I work this way, so it’s not necessarily the best thing ever, it can be a relatively good in front of other things.
Oh, I just went to play with my sister in a
very old educational website that I used to play a lot in, I didn’t learn a lot
as most of it I knew because of how my parents raised me, but it always had a
nice amount of educational material; the main part in there was an area named “Where’s
the Money?” which is about money handling and alike, I found it fun because of
the games, but today I really enjoyed, I
played in a game where I was the finance minister, which I failed at being, no
matter what, and at the points where I didn’t have enough money I said loudly “Where’s
the money?” which made me smile, as it’s the most famous quote of our current finance
minister.
I found it funny, but I also found funny that at some late time of one day my sister asked me what table cloth should she buy for some party (inside a game where you make the shopping for a certain event by a list) and I said “it doesn’t matter, they are going to pee on it anyway!” and laughed really loudly, so, yeah…
I’m watching hairstyle and haircut videos, I am not in the mood for music and there aren’t any good sims films suggested, so yes, I’m wasting my time on scene kids, even so that Kittenhsupreme is being really cool.
I’m messing around with a shoelace that I had in my drawer for some reason, I brought it last night to have fun, because trying to use your hands as nun chucks and make the holding position and switching by sides doesn’t work, it doesn’t even hurt, it’s just physically impossible.
I’m weird and my nose’s inside feels funny.
I found it funny, but I also found funny that at some late time of one day my sister asked me what table cloth should she buy for some party (inside a game where you make the shopping for a certain event by a list) and I said “it doesn’t matter, they are going to pee on it anyway!” and laughed really loudly, so, yeah…
I’m watching hairstyle and haircut videos, I am not in the mood for music and there aren’t any good sims films suggested, so yes, I’m wasting my time on scene kids, even so that Kittenhsupreme is being really cool.
I’m messing around with a shoelace that I had in my drawer for some reason, I brought it last night to have fun, because trying to use your hands as nun chucks and make the holding position and switching by sides doesn’t work, it doesn’t even hurt, it’s just physically impossible.
I’m weird and my nose’s inside feels funny.
OH IT’S SO CUTE! I’M WATCHING FAIRY KEI VIDEOS!
It’s way cuter than other kei’s.
Actually, last statement was wrong, I’m going to watch now other keis, I need a Visual kei which I watched some in the past, but I really want Oshare kei, which is happy and bubbly and unique visual kei, but I also need Angura kei, which is dark visual kei, almost punk and goth.
BUT I REALLY NEED DOLLY KEI.
Oh, almost every dolly kei is also a cult party style, which is not what I want, but I have to go with it.
I can’t find so many keis, I just gave up.
In slightly different news, you know that I want to watch anime and tv programs a lot, because I miss so much, but you also know that I’d prefer watching movies, and you also know the reason (with movies it’s one time or around it and that’s it, with tv programs it takes an eternity), but it doesn’t make me want to stop.
I’m listening to Heaven’s Basement’s Fire,
Fire.
I just had no idea how many bands I’m missing! Heavne’s Basement, Dead!, The Dead Lay Waiting, Ashtoangels (I don’t like just as much), In Flames, Beartooth, Grouplove, Awolnation, and many more that or I mentioned enough or that I can’t remember.
I think I’m going to sim, now it’s one pm, exactly one pm, never mind that, it’s one and one minute pm.
I just had no idea how many bands I’m missing! Heavne’s Basement, Dead!, The Dead Lay Waiting, Ashtoangels (I don’t like just as much), In Flames, Beartooth, Grouplove, Awolnation, and many more that or I mentioned enough or that I can’t remember.
I think I’m going to sim, now it’s one pm, exactly one pm, never mind that, it’s one and one minute pm.
It’s two and sixteen minutes, the only reason
that I stopped is because of Sapir, she just called me, telling me that she has
an emergency, her mother bought her for her birthday a couple of nail polishes,
and her mother also says that she’s too young to wear nail polish, Sapir thinks
that it’s because of her fifteen year old cousin who doesn’t wear makeup and
nail polish so her mother thinks that if the fifteener doesn’t do it, than her
thirteener clearly shouldn’t do it.
She asked me if I can tell her mother that it’s not this way, I agreed as I know how right she is, I mean, my ten year old sister do it, I did it (nail art was such a great hobby at the time, wasting my time and inhaling gasses that I shouldn’t be around), my cousins do it, and their ages vary from four to forty! There are always the younger brothers that wants to do it too, my brother asked for nail polish for boys… OH FUCK I JUST UNDERSTOOD SOMETHING MAGICAL.
My brother might wear nail polish at one of his phases and I’m going to enjoy it, a lot, I assume that that I enjoy other’s teen phases and that sort of stuff too much, I assume that my dream job right now is to be around these people.
She asked me if I can tell her mother that it’s not this way, I agreed as I know how right she is, I mean, my ten year old sister do it, I did it (nail art was such a great hobby at the time, wasting my time and inhaling gasses that I shouldn’t be around), my cousins do it, and their ages vary from four to forty! There are always the younger brothers that wants to do it too, my brother asked for nail polish for boys… OH FUCK I JUST UNDERSTOOD SOMETHING MAGICAL.
My brother might wear nail polish at one of his phases and I’m going to enjoy it, a lot, I assume that that I enjoy other’s teen phases and that sort of stuff too much, I assume that my dream job right now is to be around these people.
It’s four thirty; I had fun with my siblings
for around an hour and a half, it was fun; even though that now my throat feels
funny, maybe a bit sore. It
started from eating a icicle on my dad’s bed, and my sister joined, after I
finished she took one, and she asked me to make the sounds (once she ate one
and I just made sounds way louder like it’s what she’s eating, it was
hilarious, slurping sounds, biting, kissing, screams of horror from the food,
all kinds of funny stuff) and I did, we started to play the mime competition
which is pretty much songs, artists, bands, tv shows, and movies expressed
through mime ways, which ended up being a messy thing, our brother joined at
some point, he kind of ruined it, since he just doesn’t get it.
Oh, I was reminded on something, my mother told my sister to “tone it down” because my puberty is hard enough, and I, surprised and hurt, asked “Are you implying that I’m problematic?” she said that I was starting to get out of it.
I mean, can you be more insensitive?
We all know that I don’t like her, but each time that I loosen up a bit, does she have to make me hate her and hate myself.
She just said how much of a burden I am, how exhausting I am, how awful I am, and yes, maybe I’m taking it too hard, but don’t you understand that it hurts?
Oh, I was reminded on something, my mother told my sister to “tone it down” because my puberty is hard enough, and I, surprised and hurt, asked “Are you implying that I’m problematic?” she said that I was starting to get out of it.
I mean, can you be more insensitive?
We all know that I don’t like her, but each time that I loosen up a bit, does she have to make me hate her and hate myself.
She just said how much of a burden I am, how exhausting I am, how awful I am, and yes, maybe I’m taking it too hard, but don’t you understand that it hurts?
…..
It’s now ten minutes to nine, and I’m reading
about how adopting a pet can make your mental state better if you’re depressed
and such. (From some reason, I don’t
think that being a psychopath and having a pet can end up not so pleasantly…)
It just makes me feel like “Oh here’s another thing that can actually make everything in my life better! Oh, what is it doing? Oh, don’t go! Please, come back!” and I assume that you may understand.
I just raised the chance for a pet to die, and it doesn’t help my overflowing wells of guilt and self-loathing.
It’s just making me feel shittier, and it gives me another reason to not live; I can’t help anyone, and I have a non-existent chance of ever having somebody to love me in that way; and I know that I’ll have the chance once I’m eighteen, but who said that I’d be able to live until then, and then, I’d have the option when I’ll have an apartment, but who said that I’d live until then? Nobody, and as life goes on, we see that the chances for me to stay alive aren’t very high, I mean, as much as optimistic I can possibly be, if my life won’t go by at least one of my plans, I really have nothing to live for; I hate myself, I hate my personality, I hate my mind set; I hate my physical appearance, I hate my skin, I hate my eyes, I hate my disproportionate body, I hate my voice, I hate my gender; I hate… Actually that’s it, all the things that I hate are myself and things that I’ve done.
And I want to complain about how unfair it is, but it won’t make me feel any better.
I want to get rid of myself, there’s a big part of me who I like, which is what I’d like to believe to be my “real” and “true” self, but there’s another part of me, which is everything that I hate, but I can’t get rid of it, as these two are actually one.
I hate myself for being afraid of death, and I hate that I give myself the pathetic excuse of “life will get better” even though that so far, with so many people, it didn’t happen.
I hate myself for wishing for my parents to divorce, only so I could live without my mother; which brings me to this wonderful statement; I hate myself for blaming her for my “pain”, I marked pain this way only because I can never consider my emotions real, I’m too fake, and it’s not a realistic point of view, it’s just me curling up in my safe zone and just complaining, I don’t even bother with doing anything.
Back to it, I always hate myself for blaming others for my own misery, I stopped blaming Yali only because I knew how disgusting I am for thinking this after understanding that it was my fault from the beginning, just that now, I can’t find a reason to proof that this pain I brought to myself and not my mother brought; I just need to think.
Think Dvash, think!
I feel bad because… I hate myself to the core? I don’t know if it’s really it; maybe it is, but then it leads me again towards blaming my mother, for raising me this way.
I want to die; I want another to cause it, since I’m such a pussy.
It just makes me feel like “Oh here’s another thing that can actually make everything in my life better! Oh, what is it doing? Oh, don’t go! Please, come back!” and I assume that you may understand.
I just raised the chance for a pet to die, and it doesn’t help my overflowing wells of guilt and self-loathing.
It’s just making me feel shittier, and it gives me another reason to not live; I can’t help anyone, and I have a non-existent chance of ever having somebody to love me in that way; and I know that I’ll have the chance once I’m eighteen, but who said that I’d be able to live until then, and then, I’d have the option when I’ll have an apartment, but who said that I’d live until then? Nobody, and as life goes on, we see that the chances for me to stay alive aren’t very high, I mean, as much as optimistic I can possibly be, if my life won’t go by at least one of my plans, I really have nothing to live for; I hate myself, I hate my personality, I hate my mind set; I hate my physical appearance, I hate my skin, I hate my eyes, I hate my disproportionate body, I hate my voice, I hate my gender; I hate… Actually that’s it, all the things that I hate are myself and things that I’ve done.
And I want to complain about how unfair it is, but it won’t make me feel any better.
I want to get rid of myself, there’s a big part of me who I like, which is what I’d like to believe to be my “real” and “true” self, but there’s another part of me, which is everything that I hate, but I can’t get rid of it, as these two are actually one.
I hate myself for being afraid of death, and I hate that I give myself the pathetic excuse of “life will get better” even though that so far, with so many people, it didn’t happen.
I hate myself for wishing for my parents to divorce, only so I could live without my mother; which brings me to this wonderful statement; I hate myself for blaming her for my “pain”, I marked pain this way only because I can never consider my emotions real, I’m too fake, and it’s not a realistic point of view, it’s just me curling up in my safe zone and just complaining, I don’t even bother with doing anything.
Back to it, I always hate myself for blaming others for my own misery, I stopped blaming Yali only because I knew how disgusting I am for thinking this after understanding that it was my fault from the beginning, just that now, I can’t find a reason to proof that this pain I brought to myself and not my mother brought; I just need to think.
Think Dvash, think!
I feel bad because… I hate myself to the core? I don’t know if it’s really it; maybe it is, but then it leads me again towards blaming my mother, for raising me this way.
I want to die; I want another to cause it, since I’m such a pussy.
I feel like I’m being another teenager who’s
having one of the better lives around and yet feels like complete shit with it
without any reason, and it’s another thing that makes me hate myself; all of
the things says that I’m supposed to feel happy, but I don’t, and it just makes
me angry, because that’s not how it’s supposed to go, I need to feel good.
You know, exactly at these times I notice that no matter what I felt before, it doesn’t matter at all, nothing matters, and maybe it’s just a weird living-at-the-moment side, but maybe it’s not.
An hour and a half passed since I wrote the
last paragraph and my mood didn’t change, on the meantime I took a shower, had
a bit of stress from the fact that tomorrow morning the last Cabarian activity
is going to occur, and I need to bring bread, and I haven’t bought it yet.
I always feel nervous about that shit, oh well, I guess I’d just go and do it; it’s what I need to do.
I hope it wouldn’t take too long; I don’t want to stay outside for too long.
From the end of the first sentence to the second one, a whole hour has passed.
I need something interesting to do, in the past couple of days I didn’t find anything that is very unique and interesting, there are no more health articles on Ynet and no comments, so now how the fuck can I read about Fluorine?!
Now I’m listening to Shinedown.
I just found their link, so I just went in.
I don’t regret it; not at all.
I also got a band named Seether, now, it rings a bell, I remember hearing about them before, I just don’t know why.
Okay, I just moved my wrist, and all that funny knuckle noises came out, so I just started randomally shake my hands, it was hilarious! It’s so weird! I’m going to do it again! Did it, I feel extremely silly but I don’t care, it’s so weird, and free, and random! I mean, how can you not enjoy it?!
Okay, I was drying the sweat on my thigh that’s beneath my laptop, and on the other one, as a habit I came to clean it too, but I didn’t, as I didn’t need to do it, instead just looked at it, disgusting, with bad skin, as usual, I mean, I’m not really disgusted as I tell you, mostly because that I’m used to see it all the damn time, but I noticed something new! Some raised line on my thigh, like I had a very light scratch in a bloodless spot (how can blood take the space of fat? Pft, was obvious!) , and it annoys me, like imagine that once, when my mother decide that she should do a check up on my body, things like that appear! HOW THE HELL CAN YOU EXPLAIN IT?!
I always feel nervous about that shit, oh well, I guess I’d just go and do it; it’s what I need to do.
I hope it wouldn’t take too long; I don’t want to stay outside for too long.
From the end of the first sentence to the second one, a whole hour has passed.
I need something interesting to do, in the past couple of days I didn’t find anything that is very unique and interesting, there are no more health articles on Ynet and no comments, so now how the fuck can I read about Fluorine?!
Now I’m listening to Shinedown.
I just found their link, so I just went in.
I don’t regret it; not at all.
I also got a band named Seether, now, it rings a bell, I remember hearing about them before, I just don’t know why.
Okay, I just moved my wrist, and all that funny knuckle noises came out, so I just started randomally shake my hands, it was hilarious! It’s so weird! I’m going to do it again! Did it, I feel extremely silly but I don’t care, it’s so weird, and free, and random! I mean, how can you not enjoy it?!
Okay, I was drying the sweat on my thigh that’s beneath my laptop, and on the other one, as a habit I came to clean it too, but I didn’t, as I didn’t need to do it, instead just looked at it, disgusting, with bad skin, as usual, I mean, I’m not really disgusted as I tell you, mostly because that I’m used to see it all the damn time, but I noticed something new! Some raised line on my thigh, like I had a very light scratch in a bloodless spot (how can blood take the space of fat? Pft, was obvious!) , and it annoys me, like imagine that once, when my mother decide that she should do a check up on my body, things like that appear! HOW THE HELL CAN YOU EXPLAIN IT?!
From looking on my mechanical pencil, I started
thinking about what if a stranger would come into my room, just take a short
look, and what would it’s answer be if I’d ask it a couple of questions? What
are her favourite colours? Will it answer purple, blue, white, and black? It’d
make sense, considering its current state. And
I have that strange feel that if somebody asks it what music I like that person
will say eletctro, but maybe I’m just having weird feelings.
Okay, I have no idea where I laid my wrist, but
now there are (counting…) 11 (!) horizontal marks that have a starting purplish
dot, and guess what guys? That’s even harder to explain.
Maybe it’ll soon disappear.
I want to cry, and I want special tears involved at that process, sadly, I’m incapable of doing each, so nope.
Okay, I told my mother today that I read a lot about pet adoption, she asked me why I’m telling her this, I said “Hint-hint.” out loud at the same time that my sister said “She wants to adopt a pet.” And my mother said no, I asked why, and she said that she knows how it’s like to have a pet, that it’s a mess to clean, and I told her that it doesn’t matter if there’s a pet as she cleans the house anyway, she repeated her excuse and I walked to my room, for three hours I didn’t respond humanely to anybody who came by, I just didn’t emotionally responded, didn’t bother to take my eyes off my screen, and I wish that it wasn’t this way, but now, all I can think is that my mother cares more about her self-comfort and her laziness preservation rather than my mental state, which just makes me think again about the theory of oldest kids are the experimental ones, the disposable ones, and with each day I just believe it’s true, but it’s not this way, I know that I say that it’s all the oldest kids only so I could feel comfortable, so that I won’t feel alone. And I know I should face with reality, but it scares me, I was on some atheist Facebook page (the only use of Facebook for me today) and it had a picture of some white humanoid figure (a naked slenderman), pressing a blade into the place where its eyes were supposed to be, and there was written “Sometimes, opening your eyes may be the most painful thing you ever have to do.”
I understand that I’d probably never open my eyes if I’d remain in that fear, and I’d never understand life, hell, I might never want to experience life if I’m stuck in this shell of darkness where I can’t understand or see any truth. That inability to see the truth actually feels like how they said it feels, I feel like my eyelids are sewn shut, and each time that I try to open them, it hurts, so I stop, and even though that I really want to, I can’t, because of the pain.
Maybe it’ll soon disappear.
I want to cry, and I want special tears involved at that process, sadly, I’m incapable of doing each, so nope.
Okay, I told my mother today that I read a lot about pet adoption, she asked me why I’m telling her this, I said “Hint-hint.” out loud at the same time that my sister said “She wants to adopt a pet.” And my mother said no, I asked why, and she said that she knows how it’s like to have a pet, that it’s a mess to clean, and I told her that it doesn’t matter if there’s a pet as she cleans the house anyway, she repeated her excuse and I walked to my room, for three hours I didn’t respond humanely to anybody who came by, I just didn’t emotionally responded, didn’t bother to take my eyes off my screen, and I wish that it wasn’t this way, but now, all I can think is that my mother cares more about her self-comfort and her laziness preservation rather than my mental state, which just makes me think again about the theory of oldest kids are the experimental ones, the disposable ones, and with each day I just believe it’s true, but it’s not this way, I know that I say that it’s all the oldest kids only so I could feel comfortable, so that I won’t feel alone. And I know I should face with reality, but it scares me, I was on some atheist Facebook page (the only use of Facebook for me today) and it had a picture of some white humanoid figure (a naked slenderman), pressing a blade into the place where its eyes were supposed to be, and there was written “Sometimes, opening your eyes may be the most painful thing you ever have to do.”
I understand that I’d probably never open my eyes if I’d remain in that fear, and I’d never understand life, hell, I might never want to experience life if I’m stuck in this shell of darkness where I can’t understand or see any truth. That inability to see the truth actually feels like how they said it feels, I feel like my eyelids are sewn shut, and each time that I try to open them, it hurts, so I stop, and even though that I really want to, I can’t, because of the pain.
Good night, ha, just kidding, that last paragraph
was too deep and making you feel hollow to say “good”.
LET’S DO ONE LAST HAND SHAKE AND FLIPPING.
LET’S DO ONE LAST HAND SHAKE AND FLIPPING.
Now, that’s what I call a good night.
I just noticed I got 16 new vies from Turkey! Wow, I'm surprised, I mean, how can you react to seeing it? Oh, I know, it goes like this:
ARE YOU THE THE KIND THAT JOINED THE RIOT AGAINST ISRAEL, OR DID YOU SUPPORT IT? IF SO, PLEASE LEAVE AND DON'T EVER RETURN... If you didn't, then congrats you're invited, if somebody that you personally know did it, tell him that a thirteen year old from Israel doesn't like him.
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