Stanley and Scalpels

I am writing now at the classic and good font of  “Times New Roman”, I don’t know why, but I like it
more than the simple and smooth “Calibri”, I assume that it’s because of when I was blogging via
Blogger, the default font was “Times New Roman”, maybe it’s not, but from some reason, I like it.
Anyway, today I woke up at ten or so, which means seven hours of sleep, which is pretty good.
At eleven and nine minutes the alarm went off, and I assumed that the weird water-like sound is the Iron
Dome missile sound of sending out a missile, and we heard the explosions, there were two.
After the alarm stopped, we waited for three minutes and then returned to our businesses.
I assume that it’s the first and last alarm for the day.

I opened the news website; I just found that the US suggested ceasefire.
Now, I don’t know about you, but I remember the last ceasefire that occurred around a week ago, it was
suggested from an outer source as well, which is Egypt; the Hamas broke it.  Oh, and this one is
hilarious because how weird and silly it is, once, the Hamas itself asked for ceasefire, and guess what?
THEY BROKE IT!
How odd… To suggest something you disagree with? I believe that it’s very odd.
You know what’s even odder? That Israel falls for it every single time, and it actually sucks for the southern citizens, who just want to live undisturbed, and they can’t get it.
I just hope that this combat-tension will make one big war to just calm the shit down for a while or that they’ll stop, because it’s ridiculous that… You know what song am I thinking about? Hot ‘n’ Cold.
I just wanted to start writing “…that they change their mind like…” and it continued off in my head to “… a girl changes her clothes…” which is really weird.

I’m going to eat my breakfast/lunch now, I’m not even bothering with the word brunch because I haven’t eaten breakfast yet but it’s already twelve pm.
I was supposed to eat soon after I woke up, but let me tell you that myproana.com was in some way –my breakfast; I assume that you can understand it, as it’s not that hard to understand.

Wow, I don’t like that middle eastern singing style, but this song’s lyrics is so emotional and heart breaking that you don’t care about that style, as it’s that amazing.

Okay, remember the blog “your misery and hate will kill us all”? (because fuck capitalizing titles that are also lyrics, right?)

I’m now reading her new posts.
She put “Ghost of You” in one of her posts, as it really speaks about the situation.
I don’t know guys, usually when there’s a thing that threatens my life in a way, I’d rather not think about it 24/7.    I think that it’d just be better currently to… I don’t know… Give hope for the soldiers that are in and around Gaza, let them know that everything would be alright, rather than the fact that there are many who died (thirteen to many), and they might join them at any moment because the enemy won’t rest until Israel will come to an end.  I just don’t want to focus on the bad if there’s some good, maybe it’s just being overly hopeful, but that’s better than just mourning endlessly, the ceased soldiers, they fought for Israel, for their homeland, they fought for me to exist, for my friends to exist, they died for us to live, and that’s amazing, it would’ve been more amazing if they were alive, but let’s forget about it, since it’s not helping, all of them came to fight and to save their loved ones.            If that’s not amazing, then I don’t know what.

Back to the song, it sucks that I don’t feel comfortable hearing it, and I just feel guilty and stressed out and confused and start to think about plenty of things that annoy me, and I won’t give an example because I wrote it before but I deleted it as it was too long, and I wanted to listen to Billy Talent’s Fallen Leaves, and then all of the sudden, I remembered the poem that Yuval wrote once at holocaust days, and I don’t feel comfortable hearing things that remind me it too much.

Fuck, I just stopped trusting that sounds in my head, I have to ignore it, I can’t let it control me, I know it’s not real, the alarms in my head aren’t real, so I’d better just ignore their existence.
Oh, very funny, just as I wrote that sentence, the police car was outside the building, and through their speakers they said something, I was at first hundred percent sure that it’s Red Code alarm in our city which is practically impossible, but it didn’t stop my mind from panicking me, all they said was that a Suzuki was blocking the road.
My hands are shaking, ha-ha, so silly of me.
I just fucking hate this summer.

Okay, I was just sure that instead of my guitar that lies on my chair now there was some humanoid creature, staring at me, waiting for me to response and scream and panic.
I am able to see it only from the corner of my eyes.

I feel like my whole body is numbed, and I feel like I’m faking every physical reaction, I feel like my hands are shaking from the inside and that they are unstable, but the truth is that they aren’t moving weirdly, this is so weird.

I want to cry, but I can’t, sometimes, I think that I can’t even cry anymore, but I know that if I feel pressured and nervous, I do so, as a defence, it’s fake but that’s how it is, and I believe that this is pretty much it.

I watched some Iron Man 3.
It’s weird, I watched only the first one and the last one, I haven’t watched the second film, simply because the cable company never puts it.

I hear alarms in my head, I just ignore it with loud music in my headphones.
It’s annoying as hell, I just hear it, and I feel like I should start panicking and run, but I know that it’s not real and I’m just making it up.
It’s time for some distraction!

Okay, let’s start with it, my wound looks weird, I think it’s starting to build scar tissue, but it just looks weird; purple and brown mixture as my flesh, bits of fraying skin, some weird rotten apple colour (the insides of it) under the fraying skin, and in the purple and brown strange thing, there are white things, they look like spider webs, which is pretty cool, but I think it’s just new skin forming.
I’m really curious about if there will be a scar or not, and if so, how it’d look like.
Okay, the one on my leg has that white stuff but around, it looks like frayed skin, but it’s just less bad as well so I have to guess what it is.
I just took off the frayed bits of skin, the first one was easy, but the second one was much smaller and much closer to the wound itself, but I managed to do it.
I’m listening to “Before the Lobotomy” of Green Day, I forgot for a minute what Lobotomy was, but I remembered that I read about it a couple of days ago, I got reminded by the greatness of the internet.

I think I’m going to sim.
I guess that I’d do anything to distract myself.
Fuck, I just keep getting reminded about the creepypastas and now the top of my brain hurts, I hope it’s just because of my lacking sleep skills.

Okay, I’m going to watch some “working at a clothing store” videos on YouTube, which might become useful in a couple of years.
I mean, at fourteen on summer, and at sixteen all around the year.

…

Well, quite a while passed.

I made some food, heard some music, watched a movie, after a while in that period of time, I took a shower, as I dried my body I heard the beeping sound of some truck, I thought about how awkward it will be if the missile alarm will remake it’s sound.
And let me tell you something, it was awkward.
Yes, I was caught by the alarm while being naked.

I really want now to have an Instagram/Facebook account/page with the name “Just Israeli  Things” (parody for Just Girly Things) and have this as one.

Okay, when I wrote that last thing, it was ten pm, I was sure that I would be able to sleep earlier, but nope, I couldn’t.
I just finished watching Freaky Friday, and there was a very big part of me that just wanted to cut, it didn’t have any trigger whatsoever, but I wanted to do it.
I wondered if the urge to do so ever fades away.
So I googled it, since it did not offer the warmth and safety and honest that I was looking for, I also typed the link of MPA; it brought me the results that I was looking for, but some stuff that I didn’t intend to look for, but I ended up on a thread named “What songs trigger you?” and it got me thinking, what will trigger me when it comes to music?
And I understood that everything that reminds me of who I really am. I mean everything that I’ve done, or that reminds me of it.           So yes, I may be completely numb to certain songs which most cry their hearts on, but I will want to cry hysterically on Breathe Me of  Sia, and not only because of the lyrics, there’s a part that it was on Eclipse, and even though that the plot is cheesy, but Gal and I used to love it, and that brings me to it.
I hate myself so much for doing anything with her, all I did ended up harming her so severely that I just don’t believe that it was fair from the beginning.
Same with many songs that bonded us up and had a big influence.
Lana Del Ray’s voice will just make me hate my existence, and especially Born to Die, and I’m not even sure I’m fit for hearing Matty B Raps songs and covers.

I really want to cut my ankles now, I have this weird need to cut at the ends of bones and at the connection of bones, like the ankles, wrist, elbow, knee, between the damn ribs.
But I have this fantasy, to cut that weird sacks below my eyes, because if I can’t cry tears, shouldn’t I be able to do it with blood?

Wow I’m being pathetic.
And it doesn’t help my overall mood… Fuck.

I want to go back to that stupid panic group therapy, where I was relatively normal, with just extreme disdain from bugs that made me to have the symptoms of these attacks, I miss the kids who had these fears from even more irrational or so rational that it’s crazy fears, I just want my old life back, without the inability to sleep until I’m exhausted enough to just fall practically anywhere and go to sleep like that.
I just don’t enjoy it anymore, I’d rather be in that harmful relationship with Yali, still cutting myself, still having that fucked up eating habits who include binging and starving, and being miserable.
You know what? No, I don’t. Or maybe I do? I don’t know anymore. I just know that puberty sucks and soon it’ll be over.

I’m such a pathetic loser, I’m thirteen, and instead of having (harmful) relationships with girls and guys; I lurk in forums and threads, findings new ways to get razors and the brands and kinds.
Ouch, my right wrist just had that weird thing again, it is this way for such a long time that I just don’t mind it, but it’s like something inside is moving or twitching and gladly, instead of long and awful pain, it’s short and just feels weird and somewhat painful.
Let me tell you why I am surprised.
I never cut in my right wrist.
It’s like some corrective pain?
Wow, okay, I still feel something weird in there.
I have a really weird and funny thought now; WHAT IF MY VEIN IS PREGNANT AND IT’S JUST GOING THROUGH DELIVERY?
That was stupid, awkward, and doesn’t relate to anything.

I’m now thinking about the razors I keep in my closet, only to make me calm by having the option of saying “fuck it all” and doing it; even though that I don’t plan on such things soon, I still have that urge which sucks, I just want to see some of my own blood, to just feel the razor going through my skin, I have no idea why….  I wonder what purpose this action has….  Will it give me happiness? Not so sure. Will it ease my suffering? Probably not, it will be a mere distraction if at all. Will it help me in any way? Only at removing the urge and maybe calming myself down, giving me the small sense of control, and a reminder of who I used to be four years ago.
That’s it, it has nothing good to benefit me, yet, I want to do it.
I just can’t wait for being eighteen.
I just need to find out now where can I get such razors, the oversized utility razors, or the scalpels.
I just tried looking for razors, and I used the Hebrew word, to my surprise, there are two places that their name meaning is “Razor” or “Razors” which is hilarious. The cutter from Razors, it’s in the same category of the vegan from a place named “Vegan”.
I found a website that sells a pack of hundred razors for a really cheap price!
There is one which is hooked and one that it’s a plain trapezoid shaped one, both made by Stanley.
I assume that less than one NIS for hundred is cheap, because, well, it’s cheaper than gum!
And there’s a bonus, two Carbide razors, but it’s only for that period of time, so, no bonus, even though that it wouldn’t matter since I don’t need these ones, oh, did you know that this website is a mechanic tool shop?
Oh, everybody says that shaving razors work the best, but I have problems with the size, they are so uncontrollable and small for me, I’m afraid that I’d cut and if I want to do deep, it will just sink in the wound, and I really don’t want to pick them up with tweezers or going to the doctor’s office with a razor in my body, that’s just weird.
I’m looking now for scalpels, there aren’t as cheap, but I assume that it’s not that bad… Oh wait, it found me something else.

Anyway, I’m going to try to sleep once again, hoping that now I’d be able to do so.
I’m going to exhaust myself!

Good night.