What was my point again?

I’m sitting on my beanbag, still recovering from the strange week.
I’m hearing music in a slightly low volume, so I’ll be able to hear the damn alarm.
Somewhat annoying, I mean, I just came back from a week that included a very small amount of music, I mean, not including the performances of the cultural and folklore groups from each country, and not including firkin’s one night, and the damn csipero song!

I “enjoyed” last evening’s flight with hearing extremely awful music, it wasn’t that it sounded bad, but it made me feel bad, which was enough to let me hate myself deeply from all the causes that I usually feel bad about in Israel, and trust me, this pain of guilt hurts less than the stress that suffocated me.
At least I can enjoy  the fact that there are no overemotional huggers near me, when we said our goodbyes for the Hungarian, some cried, mostly the Hungarian girls, some Israeli guys and girls, I didn’t understand why they cried, it’s not like we’re never going to see them, and even then, it’s not the end of the world! People confuse me; can you seriously get that attached to others under a week? It’s insane.

Anyway, I heard mostly English songs (I had two Hebrew ones, Abraham Tal’s Lights –Orot in Hebrew- and Idan Raichel’s if you’ll go –Eem Telech in Hebrew-) which included many bands but it was hard for me to enjoy and remember.
Now, while I’m sitting and blogging, I’m listening to Slipknot (I’m not sure why there were so many songs of them suggested to me, but I clicked it anyway) and as “Before I Forget” ended, I think I’m going to find the things I need to find.

I want to build a nest.
Sadly, I’m lazy and not creative, so I’m not building one.

I know what I want to do!

Hang a hammock under my bed!

I might be just tired and too lazy to do anything that I already need to do, like hanging and placing everything that I own… and tuning my kalimba.

Shani had that idea (I’m trying to think about an adjective that would fit that idea, but I can’t) of having a band, but not “just a” band, a rock-jazz-opera band.
Okay, I’m watching different kalimba videos; some of the videos are with 7 note kalimbas, and some with massive kalmibas that justify the words “hand piano”.

It’s amazing.

I have a screenshot; it explains why I am confused about YouTube and their suggestions.

….

I’m watching now a pretty cool YouTuber named Emma Blackery, now it’s the video named “WHAT I LEARNED IN AMERICA” and she spoke about tipping in America and tipping in Britain.
It reminded me that in Hungary, I had to explain to the waitress what is “tip”.

….

Let me tell you what I learned to hate during the trip or hate slightly more than I did before.
I learned to hate humans even more, hate hugs even more, and I grew hatred towards people who touch me.
I learned that nicknames and unfitting and untrue descriptions annoy me, for example “Darkness” or “Emo” with sometimes the specific version of emo with adding the noun that means female teenager, it probably flipped me only because I’m not a teen yet, I have a little less than one year, and I can commit cyberbullying and get away with it, and “Goth”.
Which from some reason reminds me of something; I didn’t feel comfortable not wearing my dark-aqua/turquoise jumper or my black one; The white one didn’t help, because I kind of messed it up and now it’s dirty.
I also can’t ever wear band t-shirts without feeling judged all the time, because I know that people look at it and know it and I’m just like looking at them hoping that they won’t comment about it.

I’m listening to Naked City’s Bonehead.
The lyrics are amazing! You got to check it out!
The track appeared in Funny Games U.S.

I’m watching “KEEPING IT UP CHALLENGE” of VeeOneEye, he’s doing it with Patty.
I can’t understand how can you enjoy life with hair that is so uncomfortable and restricting?! I had a pretty damn good reason for keeping it in a bun when I had long hair and now keeping it in a ponytail/bun and sometimes with a hair clip to put it in place now.

I need to do something productive, but the beanbag I sit on is so nice to me and I don’t want to hurt it’s feelings.
At some point I’ll have to go to pee, and that would be the moment.
I have to do something active, but that’s only because my elbows feel bored, they’re used for slightly moving along with my hands on the keyboard, usually the main movement is with my fingers and my wrist, it’s magical, that I can be so lazy and unproductive with saying a lot of things.
I have that weird sketchbook near me, it’s laying on my right hipbone area and the right bottom area of my laptop, and I drew things that I don’t usually draw, but it looks good, in my opinion.

I want to tell you something, which is more of a question that I want to ask rather than a thing that I need to say.
Why people are always against Israel? And when people are pro-Israel, why are they so quiet?
I just don’t get it, can you please not?! You don’t just sit aside when plenty of people are dying! In Israel, it happens all the time! In Gaza?! They kill each other, the damn animals.

I forgot everything that I wanted to do.
I probably need some human foods.
I wonder where my white hat is.
When I’ll go to find food I’d go to look for it.
I’m bored.
I wasted my day and I’m bored.
That’s just great.

I’m seriously bored, I need to do things, but I’m lazy.
It’s seven pm and I haven’t hanged anything, I have a plate on my sketchbooks that’s on and near my pens, my desk is a mess and it has clothes on it, I have a pillowcase that is always on the bed area, which means hat’s everywhere near the bed’s structure, but not on the bed itself; It used to be stuck between the bed itself to the wall, but I had pins on it, and I always thought that one of the pins was a roach, and it really freaked me out, after a month or so I took it off because it really freaked me out.

The room just gotten a lot darker in the last ten minutes, like ten minutes ago it was noon-like, now it’s clearly evening.

I haven’t even transferred Firkin’s album yet.

The day is officially unproductive.

I need to pee, I’m going to look for my hat.

I know where it is.

I’m nervous.
I gained weight during that week; School will start in less than two months; There’s a war in Israel now; I don’t believe in god but I’d be forced to learn religion for the next two school years; I’m going on my second year on being a sports class student.

You know what? It’s stupid that I’m nervous, I’m going to watch things.

OH FUCK IT’S THE GIRL FROM 2 BROKE GIRLS.

Daydream Nation!

It seems like it’s better than most teenage highschool movies.

Oh, it reminds me that I got Mean Girls 2 recorded!
I’m so going to draw figures and enjoy knowing that I was just as much of a stupid bitch.
Mean Girls 2 main character’s personality is a lot like mine’s so I’d get more attached to it.

I’m hearing Slipknot quietly. It’s Plague Me.

The reason that it’s so quiet is that I don’t want to make my parents to just do it all over again, my mother makes guilt trips and makes me hate myself, and she judges me (sigh); while my father is supportive and nice and will joke about it (especially when I tell him or somebody else to be quiet and he’d comment about it), It makes me wonder if I was born as a “daddy’s girl” (or creature) or transformed to be one thanks to such a funny parenting.

You know what I’m thinking about now?

What would happen if I committed suicide at the highest point of the bullying and pain? I mean, could the suicide wave work? Or that other tweens and teens would kill themselves as I wouldn’t matter much.

Anyway, let’s move to happier topics.

I’m listening to Real Friends’ Put Yourself Together album, and I’m on the Wikipedia page.

I found myself in Fearless Records’ Wikipedia page, and the list of signed artists.

I was pretty impressed.

Anyway, I want to tell you something about music during the trip.

My friend, Ailail, well, she likes Ashland HIGH, a lot.

I don’t like that kind of synthesized music, and I’d rather stick with finding music through the magical ways of the internet (we all know very well that my tales with musical groups comes by accident, like Ghost Town that developed from my love for speedpaints, and that came from nail art, that actually came from Lady Gaga. Power Steamed Giraffe from looking on DIY steampunk tutorials.)

She also likes some songs of Marilyn Manson.

I don’t know about you, but she’s twice as “darkness” if I’m “darkness”.

I’m too fucking happy, dark humor is a part of my humor, I’m positive, and that’s it.
The actual “darkness” that she thinks I am doesn’t exist.

Even when I’m in school, I can find different things to make myself happy.

Even when I randomly think about how freakishly happy I am, and it can be strange and unnatural, I tell myself that at least it’s not a freaky addiction like the need to be happy all the time.

I’ve lost my point.

Let’s just say that love wins is the point.

Love for the money.

Love for the power.

Not for humans, we all know that even in Hollywood movies it doesn’t happen.

Okay, when the album is over I’m going to climb to my bed and retrieve the remote for watching that damn movie.

Now it’s the last song, “Lost Boys”.

I wonder when I’ll get something terribly weird, because I’m not healthy, I mean, I’m the happiest and the most positive person you’d ever meet (and it plays a role in physical health), but my ways are so unhealthy.

You know what I really want to happen?

I want that Yali will get an eating disorder.

I know that it’s evil and shit but I truly think that she deserves it, all that pain, humiliation, guilt, suffering, all of these things that she was longing to get.

I wish her pain that she asked for.

In some way, it is very nice of me to give her that wishing; But in another –logical- way it is very mean and insensitive of me to say.

I actually wish for her to have suicidal thoughts.

You know, all of the marvelous things I can wish for other.

Oh, I’m going to bring my remote.

Sadly, I discovered that the Mean Girls 2 movie is not recorded yet, it’s going to be fully recorded in around twelve hours from now.

But in the other side, that Freaky Friday movie would be ready in two hours or so.

I’m holding my fluffy green ball (or whatever that is) and I just want to cry when I smell it, it smells like something that Ii love, but I can’t put my finger on it.

Something dirty…

I feel hollow and meaningless thanks to the lovely sims’ brooding option.

I’m going to try to fall asleep.