That

I sit at my room.
I stayed in today.
At five I'd leave for the memorial event.

I felt quite depressed to be honest, and I'm not even surprised, I have no whatsoever future, and I'm just wasting money, patience, and time.
I said it before, but I'll repeat it: I was supposed to die long ago.
I have nothing to offer to this world, and the only reason that I'm not taking it into my hands and ending it, is because of that I'm scared.
If I weren't such a scaredy cat.

I'm not sure if I'm going to school tomorrow, why would I want to go anyway? All it brings me is pain anyway.

My mum mentioned that the last time I refused to go to school, was because of the thing with Yali.
She asked if anything is going on, and I said the truth.
"Nothing's going on."
And that's the truth.
Nothing.
Nothing at fucking all.
All I do is nothing, and nothing happens.
I don't even feel much.
So it's actually one big nothing.

I saw a self harm photo..
Somebody is stips wrote "I'm tired [of something] already. What to do?" and linked a photo.
One replied "What is it?"
I said "Thanks for the photo? Why did we need to see it? So I'd relapse into it? It's hard enough now."
And another one said "Cutting won't help at anything it'll just give you scars that'll remind you of how hard it was | Come to PM"

That's the photo : LINK.

Earlier, a bit before I fell asleep, I thought about starting carrying my razors again, and maybe.. You know.. Starting again.
Because nothing else works.

And I'm tired.
Of everything...

Maybe it's nothing and I'd be okay again in no time, maybe not.
But one thing I can presume, that this year won't be the happy year I wanted it to be.

I'm going to sim and forget until it's time to leave.

I feel like nothing now.



I'm back.
I feel a bit less in need of this type of ending, I just want to pause everything because I'm incapable of handling these things.
I wonder what I'd feel tomorrow, it won't really matter if I'd be there or not, and because of my lack of anything.
I care too much, and I'm really afraid to get hurt and hurt others. That's probably what scares me... That I'd hurt somebody.
It's scary, and maybe if I won't be, then I won't have any way to hurt anybody.
I'm going to sim until I'd feel a change, or a decision that's building up.


I was stipsing, because I had to check up, and the same girl, a face model, is complaining that her model sister is taller than her and everybody looks at her first.
I have mixed feelings about it, and it's pretty simple to understand.
From one side, I'm angry, because she's a fucking model, and she's whining about it.
But, I understand, because as much as she'd try, her sister is still better than her.



I am still unsure of my plans, and I wish I could tell you a decisive answer, or at the very least, what am I thinking about, from one side, I feel my stomach being tied [and it might be the new anti-allergy medication, so... Yeah..] but I also feel like I should go tomorrow.
I'm afraid that my mother won't allow it, but all I feel is that I want to cry, but physically unable to.

Gotta move on, right?
Gotta keep fighting...
Fuck, I just hope that nothing would affect my outing on Wednesday, I'd hate to disappoint them.

I should probably open up to somebody, but I know what happens to people who make these mistakes. And it's anything but pleasant.
I just know that even if they promise that they'd be the nicest, the ones who got institutionalised in Abarbanel will say that what they got was more humane.

I just guess that these are the stuff that you're supposed to carry because of how stupid you truly are.

I miss her.. And I miss living.
I'm just going to keep on breathing, because I don't have any other option.
I don't have the guts to commit suicide, or to ease myself from this burden.
I don't have the simplicity of going to school, as I am too scared, feeling like I'm going to be crushed in there, but I don't have the simplicity of just being able to disappear either.


Goodnight lovely people.
I hope it'll be alright.