Dermis-Deep

I woke up today at four am, I thought it's a bit crazy, because I finish at three today and then I got Cabaria, I half-slept [or slept very lightly?] until five thirty.
I think I'm going a bit bad.
I shouldn't wake up so early, I hope it's just an effect of the hormone medicine, or maybe a late one of the anti-allergy one.
Or just my body was so worried about traveling overseas that it already fixed itself, and now I got jet-lag, I don't have these usually though.

I'm on stips on the last couple of days as you know, and each time that I hear the familiar "Psst" sound of a message, I'm getting really excited, 'What if it's him?'
And it's not him.
Never him.
It's another friend, or that girl who wanted to be a psychologist when she'd grow old, or more accurately, a therapist of arts.
I feel like all I want to do is to kick their jaws.
"No! Fuck you! It's my private shit! P-R-I-V-A-T-E! Leave!"
It's just plain cruel to expect me to allow you an insight into my very private thoughts.
Sometimes, in class, all I'd do is draw my cuts, or that I just write what I think about at the very moment, or lyrics from one song that has the abillity to reveal something about me.
Yesterday I passed a period only with repeating Omri's name, the lyrics of the untitled song, and drawing a shaving razor [not the blades alone, the whole structure] that's all I did, and guess what? If another would see, I'd be questioned.

Okay, distraction.
Another girl who may message me, she's trying to get rid of self harm, and more specifically, cutting.
She used to do it on the wrists.
She stopped, I told her that it's very dangerous on the wrists [I long for cutting my wrist and finding a new way to torture myself with hiding and staying away from it, but I don't, too risky] and that she should find a way to inform him of what she feels.
Him is for her father, he knows that she cuts herself, but doesn't do anything.
I would be helpless, scared, confused, and unsure of what to do if my child would cut too.

I told her that if she ever relapses, she can talk to me.
I told her that I understand that sometimes you relapse, but I'm not leaving her to suffer.


And she messaged me yesterday.
"Each time I hear the word [s] cut or psychiatric or that I even see scissors I get reminded of it... I cried today... A boy from my class told me that I'm not popular and it wasn't made to hurt me. But just the sentence got me to the past... Because that's why I did it."
I replied with a simple "I'm so sorry that it happened... It's always hard to leave it when you think about it all the time and suddenly there's a trigger."

It's true, I remember mine.
Hell, I still have papers from the day.
I still got the post from the day. [named: 6 MONTHS IS DEAD]
I remember it like it was yesterday.
I'm continuing with reading the post.
Wow, even then I missed her.

Okay, wow, I'm dumbfounded.
How am I supposed to react my stupid.

I know it's weird, but I have a really awesome idea.
If you're Jewish, die in an evening event, or better, prom!
That would be pretty weird when the burial and the whole ceremony involves the prettiest gowns.

Each time that I wrote "stone" I really want to lapidate myself.
"MOVE YOU FUCKER! Jamil we got her! GO-GO-GO!"
I feel like stoning and laptidating is quite fun, too bad it's illegal and all it'd do it create more hatred between the "zionist enemy" and the "palestinians".

I want to... Well, cut.
But I can't, I discovered that tomorrow it's probably not the pre-renovation activity, so maybe I'd go to Tel Aviv tomorrow and enjoy being there, doing my business.
I plan on going to purchase some music cds, go get the razors, go get some medical supply, maybe pass by another things, maybe even grab a lunch.
It would be a great thing for independence and for reliving myself from stress.

I've cut. 

I know it's stupid to cut when you're tight on time, but it's stupid to think that I can resist.

I'm back from school and I'm posting a bit before I'm going to the Cabaria, I've cut as I said, I felt like it was better than the one before, where before it was shamefully pathetic.


I'm back from the cabaria, and I feel weird now.
I mean, I saw Yotam [yes! He came to visit from Chicago!] today and I was excited, but I also snapped my rubber band quite a lot on my wrist and it fucking sucked, because, I don't even remember why, all I remember my excuse for why I'm doing it... I said I was bored.
I also pinched myself with the watch,it gave me a couple of bleeding lines [probably from pressure and bad pinching] before, so why not now?

My wounds all look the same now, it's good.
They are healing, it's good, I mean, it's still a bit gaping, but just about a millimeter and they aren't deep [well, deep as I aspire to do, or deep as Coldnessinmyheart did, I don't aspire to be like her, it scares me], it's good.

I'm looking for gloves now, I really like elegant gloves now, I find them cool as fuck.
They are very classy in my opinion.
I can't find a style that I like... Too bad.
From one side I want simple ones, but the skeleton print is fucking awesome.

So guys, I want to say, I asked on My Pro Ana's self harm section, a genius named "Duck" told me that it's a dermis deep!

Good night guys.
Here's a really good guide:
http://faculty.stcc.edu/AandP/AP/AP1pages/Units1to4/skin/repairof.htm