I feel like a bit empty.
I guess it's okay.
I'd rather this emptiness than being hit by every other possible emotion.
I want to go today to Tel Aviv.
I feel like I should go there, buy my beloved things, leave, and be glad that everything went by the plan.
But from the other side... It's scary, I'd be alone there, I need to buy rather "dangerous" things, because I'm not even sure that I would be able to purchase the razors.
I don't want even these scalpels from art stores, they are so fucking hard to use, and it's not a thing I want to keep near me, sometimes, one of my razors tends to fall sometimes, now, it may be small and hard to locate, but losing a scalpel... Fuck, I might pierce a thing in me, and it won't be pleasant.
I'm not even sure if I'd wake up, I sleep like the dead.
I want to go there... But I'm afraid.
Fuck, why now?! Why?! I could perfectly go there a day ago, but now? Now it's "scary" and "big" and who-the-fuck-knows-what!
I guess I'd go with a friend one day or... Why am I giving up?
Or am I not giving up? I know that today is a holiday [well, a holiday-evening, but it counts because in Judaism, a day ends and begins at evening, from the setting sun and the first three stars, until the next one] so the busses won't work properly, but come fucking on.
I fucking hate it, why is it okay to have a "Goi of Sabbath" but it's wrong to have a willing person to work in public transportation?! This hypocrisy is awful.
Why having your Goi for fixing the electricity is okay, but ours for driving is wrong?!
It's anyway meaningless for them, no holidays in the meanwhile, and if there are, I believe that we have more than just two religions.
And I don't think that it's so fucking likely to have a holiday clashes.
So yeah, this year, Eid al-Ahda was celebrated at the time of Yom Kippur.
Mixed cities were heavily guarded and the palestinian authority territorries' fence was heavily guarded as well.
I don't know what they'd do, go extreme and dream about killing a Jew, and in order to show their belief to Allah they'd actually commit the crime? [It's in the old testament, our bible, the Quran]
It's almost ten am, so I'm not going to Tel Aviv... Oh well, I'd go to Super-Pharm or whatever to buy some bandages.
I'd feel better with having an available treatment for my cuts.
You know what's weird?
In Israel, we go for trips in mountains over and over, before they were burnt, and after, one with a tale about prisoners, or one with wars, instead of something far more interesting!
Leftovers of rockets!
Or better, let's go to the borders!
We can play in pretending! "Aibrahim and Abraham, the Palestinian warrior against the fighter settler!" it involves special costumes and different weapons, mostly spray pain and stones. Even better, "Dina and Mohammed, Romeo and Juliet but corrupted as fuck!"
Actually, the Dina and Mohammed shit happens a lot, sometimes it's rather okay, but it gets worse as people change their religion so their partner would love them more, or that they basically escape.
Okay, my family's out, they are in the plant and gardening store.
It usually takes around thirty minutes, should I go and buy or not?
From one side I really need it and want it, but from the other side, fuck!
Okay, I think I'm going.
Good.
Very good.
I'm slightly in a panic-like thing now, but that's okay, it's not very normal to go and do such things.
I mean... You know what I mean.
I did it!
I did it.
Wow, what an experience!
I bought everything but alcohol.
I couldn't find any bottled rubbing alcohol, so I bought alco-gel wipes with seventy percent alcohol.
I bought steri-strips, medical tape, gauzes, make-up pads [it would be useful for cleaning], wait...
I'm getting up for it.
Oh, guys...
I'm really suicidal right now.
I have absolutely no future.
How will I ever have one?
I destroyed my very own bestfriend's life, and another very close friend of mine starts to show to pattern.
Oh, it's the worst so far.
I usually don't hold my breath when I'm suicidal, fuck.
I just stopped breathing and I do it now on and off.
My new razors cut me through like butter.
I love you.
Oh, I think it finally stopped bleeding.
I'm still a bit shaky.
I'm back from Pardes Hannah, wow.
I may begin and unfold the tale.
The new razors, a pedicure razors
Corn plane blades.
Wow, it's sharp as fuck.
I was amazed.
It was quite a bitch to clean and it was a painful hell to bandage, and to remove.
I was shaky, and almost cried.
I felt like I'm awful, look at my friends and family... Do they deserve it? No, they don't.
Why would they deserve it? What have they ever done wrong?
Fuck Ii'm about to cry.
I just don't understand why, they are so fucking wonderful, why do they pick to stick with me? I'm not a pleasant person, not funny [it's sad, it's just sad], not interesting.
I have absolutely nothing to offer.
I don't think my dad deserves to have me as a daughter, he deserves so much better.
My siblings deserve a better sister.
I just... Don't want to go on anymore. things got bad again.
I just can't go on.
I don't know if it would be a good idea to tell Keren.
If I would, she'd tell my parents, it's a part of the law.
If I wouldn't, it would go on and on until I'd be discovered, whether it's scars or being exposed in front of other or having my kit found or fainting and what not.
Why can't it just be alright?
Maybe it's too much to ask.
I guess I'd go on.
I just need to leave.
To vanish.
I feel like my mood changes too quickly, I think it's the medication.
I hate it.
Why can't I be normal and just get something for the nonexistent ADD I "suffer" from? I mean, it's messed up.
My friends get different doses of these medications, and I? I get fucking hormones and anti-allergy medication.
Sometimes I feel like I don't belong to them, my physical well being is... Well, and I don't take anything to allow me to focus.
I want to cut again.
I can't, not just yet.
I don't like to do it twice a day, I feel like it's the minimum I can do before I spiral out of control.
That's also why I tend to cut one cut each time and I even it out between the two, if not, I'd just won't be able to cut, and when I'm out of places, it's bad.
I have this weird... Thing.
I want to use my new razor, cut deep exactly at my wrist, and just fall asleep.
I don't know if I should tell or not.
From one side, I, for once, feel like I need help,
From the other side, it won't end well for me.
I really want to tell Harael [MCRL] but I'm afraid that it would put our suicide jokes to an end, as it would be serious.
These jokes and this type of humour is one of the bigger things in our Tag Hashish group.
I don't want to ruin it.
I should keep it to myself.
I don't want to ruin it for them, the group would go silent.
Dead silent.
And because we're so up in each other's asses, the rumor may spread... And fuck, I might end up making my friends stop.
I feel like I'm lost again.
It's quite late so I'm going to climb to bed, put my things in their places, you know... Being organised and relaxing.
It's pathetic, I know, having to put the razor box in it's place, and put all the bandages in a box, and all of the other shit in different places, and put all of the bloodstained tissues in a plastic bag.
Oh well, I guess it's okay.
I guess it's okay.
I'd rather this emptiness than being hit by every other possible emotion.
I want to go today to Tel Aviv.
I feel like I should go there, buy my beloved things, leave, and be glad that everything went by the plan.
But from the other side... It's scary, I'd be alone there, I need to buy rather "dangerous" things, because I'm not even sure that I would be able to purchase the razors.
I don't want even these scalpels from art stores, they are so fucking hard to use, and it's not a thing I want to keep near me, sometimes, one of my razors tends to fall sometimes, now, it may be small and hard to locate, but losing a scalpel... Fuck, I might pierce a thing in me, and it won't be pleasant.
I'm not even sure if I'd wake up, I sleep like the dead.
I want to go there... But I'm afraid.
Fuck, why now?! Why?! I could perfectly go there a day ago, but now? Now it's "scary" and "big" and who-the-fuck-knows-what!
I guess I'd go with a friend one day or... Why am I giving up?
Or am I not giving up? I know that today is a holiday [well, a holiday-evening, but it counts because in Judaism, a day ends and begins at evening, from the setting sun and the first three stars, until the next one] so the busses won't work properly, but come fucking on.
I fucking hate it, why is it okay to have a "Goi of Sabbath" but it's wrong to have a willing person to work in public transportation?! This hypocrisy is awful.
Why having your Goi for fixing the electricity is okay, but ours for driving is wrong?!
It's anyway meaningless for them, no holidays in the meanwhile, and if there are, I believe that we have more than just two religions.
And I don't think that it's so fucking likely to have a holiday clashes.
So yeah, this year, Eid al-Ahda was celebrated at the time of Yom Kippur.
Mixed cities were heavily guarded and the palestinian authority territorries' fence was heavily guarded as well.
I don't know what they'd do, go extreme and dream about killing a Jew, and in order to show their belief to Allah they'd actually commit the crime? [It's in the old testament, our bible, the Quran]
It's almost ten am, so I'm not going to Tel Aviv... Oh well, I'd go to Super-Pharm or whatever to buy some bandages.
I'd feel better with having an available treatment for my cuts.
You know what's weird?
In Israel, we go for trips in mountains over and over, before they were burnt, and after, one with a tale about prisoners, or one with wars, instead of something far more interesting!
Leftovers of rockets!
Or better, let's go to the borders!
We can play in pretending! "Aibrahim and Abraham, the Palestinian warrior against the fighter settler!" it involves special costumes and different weapons, mostly spray pain and stones. Even better, "Dina and Mohammed, Romeo and Juliet but corrupted as fuck!"
Actually, the Dina and Mohammed shit happens a lot, sometimes it's rather okay, but it gets worse as people change their religion so their partner would love them more, or that they basically escape.
Okay, my family's out, they are in the plant and gardening store.
It usually takes around thirty minutes, should I go and buy or not?
From one side I really need it and want it, but from the other side, fuck!
Okay, I think I'm going.
Good.
Very good.
I'm slightly in a panic-like thing now, but that's okay, it's not very normal to go and do such things.
I mean... You know what I mean.
I did it!
I did it.
Wow, what an experience!
I bought everything but alcohol.
I couldn't find any bottled rubbing alcohol, so I bought alco-gel wipes with seventy percent alcohol.
I bought steri-strips, medical tape, gauzes, make-up pads [it would be useful for cleaning], wait...
I'm getting up for it.
Oh, guys...
I'm really suicidal right now.
I have absolutely no future.
How will I ever have one?
I destroyed my very own bestfriend's life, and another very close friend of mine starts to show to pattern.
Oh, it's the worst so far.
I usually don't hold my breath when I'm suicidal, fuck.
I just stopped breathing and I do it now on and off.
My new razors cut me through like butter.
I love you.
Oh, I think it finally stopped bleeding.
I'm still a bit shaky.
I'm back from Pardes Hannah, wow.
I may begin and unfold the tale.
The new razors, a pedicure razors
Corn plane blades.
Wow, it's sharp as fuck.
I was amazed.
It was quite a bitch to clean and it was a painful hell to bandage, and to remove.
I was shaky, and almost cried.
I felt like I'm awful, look at my friends and family... Do they deserve it? No, they don't.
Why would they deserve it? What have they ever done wrong?
Fuck Ii'm about to cry.
I just don't understand why, they are so fucking wonderful, why do they pick to stick with me? I'm not a pleasant person, not funny [it's sad, it's just sad], not interesting.
I have absolutely nothing to offer.
I don't think my dad deserves to have me as a daughter, he deserves so much better.
My siblings deserve a better sister.
I just... Don't want to go on anymore. things got bad again.
I just can't go on.
I don't know if it would be a good idea to tell Keren.
If I would, she'd tell my parents, it's a part of the law.
If I wouldn't, it would go on and on until I'd be discovered, whether it's scars or being exposed in front of other or having my kit found or fainting and what not.
Why can't it just be alright?
Maybe it's too much to ask.
I guess I'd go on.
I just need to leave.
To vanish.
I feel like my mood changes too quickly, I think it's the medication.
I hate it.
Why can't I be normal and just get something for the nonexistent ADD I "suffer" from? I mean, it's messed up.
My friends get different doses of these medications, and I? I get fucking hormones and anti-allergy medication.
Sometimes I feel like I don't belong to them, my physical well being is... Well, and I don't take anything to allow me to focus.
I want to cut again.
I can't, not just yet.
I don't like to do it twice a day, I feel like it's the minimum I can do before I spiral out of control.
That's also why I tend to cut one cut each time and I even it out between the two, if not, I'd just won't be able to cut, and when I'm out of places, it's bad.
I have this weird... Thing.
I want to use my new razor, cut deep exactly at my wrist, and just fall asleep.
I don't know if I should tell or not.
From one side, I, for once, feel like I need help,
From the other side, it won't end well for me.
I really want to tell Harael [MCRL] but I'm afraid that it would put our suicide jokes to an end, as it would be serious.
These jokes and this type of humour is one of the bigger things in our Tag Hashish group.
I don't want to ruin it.
I should keep it to myself.
I don't want to ruin it for them, the group would go silent.
Dead silent.
And because we're so up in each other's asses, the rumor may spread... And fuck, I might end up making my friends stop.
I feel like I'm lost again.
It's quite late so I'm going to climb to bed, put my things in their places, you know... Being organised and relaxing.
It's pathetic, I know, having to put the razor box in it's place, and put all the bandages in a box, and all of the other shit in different places, and put all of the bloodstained tissues in a plastic bag.
Oh well, I guess it's okay.
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