Yesterday's night was weird, I lay in bed, my eyes want to rest after the extended use of screens, but I still couldn't stop with thinking.
That type of thinking that if I wasn't whole with myself, wouldn't be as nice as it is now.
Sometimes I just think for myself about the things I know about myself, wondering what it makes me to be.
Dry facts are a big part, and then I add the things that passed with them.
My image of myself, changing, things that I carry with myself to this very day.
Like the fact that I still look upon my eyelashes, surprised by their length.
I used to envy Yali so much for her eyelashes [and many more things, oh, too many...] I found myself short, almost invisible; I thought of them to be the ugliest eyelashes in the entire world.
Until someone pointed out that my eyelashes are quite long [it wasn't Yali for sure, why would she lose her grip over me? Who would resist a rather innocence child, admiring such beauty?] and they are just straight.
It's one of the things that I won't forget easily.
Same thing about when I didn't pick a course, just because of the simple fact that the teacher looked a lot alike my father.
Silly me.
You know, all of the things that I used to hate myself for seem weird,
Sure, I still feel mildly insecure about them and if anybody would hurt me in these spots, I'd be crushed.
But I just don't feel this burning hatred now for my voice, my hair, my past, my skin, my actions, my mind, myself.
Before I go on, I need to tell you that I should go to Yael today, do our work in Geography, but even when I told her that we'd talk about it today, I knew that I'd probably won't show, that I'd probably get anxious, like I always do.
I think I'm going to just not activate my whatsapp, I'd probably tell the usual lie.
I misbehaved and wasn't allowed to leave home or use my cellphone.
It's pathetic, I know.
It's amusing to think that for once, I'd act any differently.
I'm a coward, that's quite a large trait of mine.
I'm usually driven by fear.
Fear of not being enough.
Fear of destroying things I love.
Fear of harming others.
I'm simply fearful.
I wanted to explain why I said Yali is beautiful, from some reason I would like to sort it out.
She has some beauty, now I despise her and everything about her makes me want to hurt her so bad, or the source of the reminder, but she was beautiful, everything I wanted to be.
I thought about it earlier, when I finished dying another part of some toy I have in my room, that people who are religious [I speak about Judaism, Christianity, and Islam] and deny the existence of magic, they pretty much go against their very own things.
I clearly remember when magic was used in the bible.
I think it's Joshua [The names get mixed up in my head], when he was about to go into a war he wasn't sure that he'd win at, he went to a foreseer, it was the last time that magic and future predicting was allowed.
After it, god commanded to kill all witches and all the ones who use their power.
Is weather included in foreseeing?
After all, it is predicting the future... Right?
You know, it's quite sad that instead of stoning sinners, we just ban them from out society.
Why not stoning?! We are overpopulating, and it's fucking awesome.
I think that for an Atheist, I enjoy and admire the bible too much.
Oh well, at least I'm not like my silly friends, claiming themselves as atheist and simply describing it as "people who believe in science and not in god."
I want to smack the stupid out of them when I hear it.
NO, WE DO NOT BELIEVE IN SCIENCE.
We don't believe in gods, or anything of that sort.
We simply don't believe.
Sure, we can reason and explain with what science does, exploring and explaining, finding logic in things.
But we do not believe in science!
Saying that you believe in science is basically being a deist.
I'm going to play Spore, I love this game, I want to pass all the evolution levels.
To excel in this game.
I was playing, I finished the cell stage, I wanted to have a carnivore on hard, which for me is the hardest.
Carnivores are very violent, and their mouths are always hard to use for socialisation, and I can't get any dances, or charms, or poses!
I'm a bit tired, so I'd probably rest a bit more, everything that would take my mind away from the pain I'm causing Yael.
Now, it's eight pm.
I told Yael I was punished.
I feel like she's wasting her time on me, and I know that the right thing to do is to tell her we'd better end our friendship,
I know that I should do it, for her, she deserves better, I can't offer her the support she needs, and it would be cruel to expect her to be there for me when I can't be there for her.
I'm going to have changing moods, I'm going to hurt her, I know I will, I better leave her now before it'd end in the wrong way.
I should pluck up some courage, she deserves good friends, people who actually can give her a better option.
She deserves better than everything I can offer, and I just block her way to better places.
I can't find any other people in Google, ending a relationship because of the same reasons.
We're not in college, or dating, or married, or anything they do.
Plainly close friends, one is incredible and perfect and worries too much and the other is a person that your parents warned you about, that type of a person that just ends up hurting you, that bad influence and strain you deal with.
I really feel weird about writing the last sentence, because of "I'm the person your parents warned you about" sounds like a fucking emo/ punk poseur trying to be hip or something, but my parents actually warned me to stay away from certain people.
I became like these people.
Okay, I wanted to have some fun, I went to the "emo" tag on Stips.
There was a question with 101 answers.
It's really funny, because when somebody tries to break a record with answers, it usually reaches to seven, but when somebody just raises the term "emo" people go bat shit crazy about it.
Okay, some female asked if males would date a girl that doesn't shave her armpit.
I feel like people who don't shave and don't apply deodorant [don't give me the "dangerous chemicals" bullshit, the things that people would do are worse than these chemicals] should be banished from society.
You're sweaty, it's full of germs, it smells, it's plain cruel to leave us with that horrifying stench.
Week old corpses smell better than you!
YES.
THAT BAD.
I miss Omri, he's alive, I know it because he answers and he tried to message me.
It's so restricting to be blocked there, it's like having tape on your mouth when you have a very important thing to say.
You know what I find mildly annoying?
When people use numerals.
Why for? You don't have the shitty gender thing anyway!
It doesn't natter if it's two boys or two girls, it's two anyway, pronounced and written in the same manner!
In Hebrew we use it because we are too fucking lazy and tired of being corrected if it's a female or male two.
For fucks sake, nobody has the power for it.
And we should work more on the throat letters anyway, I can't understand what people say with the lack of difference and correctness in these 3 major letters. [There are four, but three sound the same from people who can't say a'a (ע) or a (א) or ha (ה) differently.]
Well, I think I should think about my action planning my next steps.
On the meanwhile, I'm going to enjoy being on Wikihow.
There's this article "How to be a good student without being teacher's pet".
Now sweety, what's the fun about that?
My teachers think I'm bright, I'm lovely, willing to listen to them and follow up, the fact that I can listen and go pretty well makes them go "I didn't fail at teaching this 'tards! I didn't" because most of my classmates can come up with these dumb questions, and then repeat them for five times. Because I listen quite well I catch them cussing and swearing [I'n getting used to say "swearing" and it's fucking hard, how come "fuck" is a swear?! It's more stupid then the ones who misuse the biblical word for swearing, you own them your slaves, at least one daughter, and all of your goats, and sometimes your wife as well! If you don't know what you're doing or saying, don't do it!] and they see me smirking at them, amused by their reaction, and they look at me, smiling awkwardly.
I don't tell anyone, these teachers are fucking awesome and it's not their fault that the students are just talking in the meanwhile and have to ask it five times.
Back to teacher's pet, you need to be memorised, my teacher knows I am very good at maths, but I'm fucking horrible when it comes to dividing and multiplying with negatives and positives.
I do everything correct but that.
Yep, it sounds like I'm going to be that person who surprises you with the 3 units in maths....
By the way future and grades, I still worry sometimes when it comes to the conscription.
There's this thing... The body checks.
I fear that I'd have scars, and the doctor would look at me, shaking his head and saying that I need to be sent to the MHO, and I have no idea what kind of a MHO I'd fall on, the one who takes a bit of the medication that in his cabinets and couldn't care less, the one who needs more help than you do, the over-curious type, the school-counsellor type [over excited], everything.
Oh well, I better not think about it.
Good night lovelies.
That type of thinking that if I wasn't whole with myself, wouldn't be as nice as it is now.
Sometimes I just think for myself about the things I know about myself, wondering what it makes me to be.
Dry facts are a big part, and then I add the things that passed with them.
My image of myself, changing, things that I carry with myself to this very day.
Like the fact that I still look upon my eyelashes, surprised by their length.
I used to envy Yali so much for her eyelashes [and many more things, oh, too many...] I found myself short, almost invisible; I thought of them to be the ugliest eyelashes in the entire world.
Until someone pointed out that my eyelashes are quite long [it wasn't Yali for sure, why would she lose her grip over me? Who would resist a rather innocence child, admiring such beauty?] and they are just straight.
It's one of the things that I won't forget easily.
Same thing about when I didn't pick a course, just because of the simple fact that the teacher looked a lot alike my father.
Silly me.
You know, all of the things that I used to hate myself for seem weird,
Sure, I still feel mildly insecure about them and if anybody would hurt me in these spots, I'd be crushed.
But I just don't feel this burning hatred now for my voice, my hair, my past, my skin, my actions, my mind, myself.
Before I go on, I need to tell you that I should go to Yael today, do our work in Geography, but even when I told her that we'd talk about it today, I knew that I'd probably won't show, that I'd probably get anxious, like I always do.
I think I'm going to just not activate my whatsapp, I'd probably tell the usual lie.
I misbehaved and wasn't allowed to leave home or use my cellphone.
It's pathetic, I know.
It's amusing to think that for once, I'd act any differently.
I'm a coward, that's quite a large trait of mine.
I'm usually driven by fear.
Fear of not being enough.
Fear of destroying things I love.
Fear of harming others.
I'm simply fearful.
I wanted to explain why I said Yali is beautiful, from some reason I would like to sort it out.
She has some beauty, now I despise her and everything about her makes me want to hurt her so bad, or the source of the reminder, but she was beautiful, everything I wanted to be.
I thought about it earlier, when I finished dying another part of some toy I have in my room, that people who are religious [I speak about Judaism, Christianity, and Islam] and deny the existence of magic, they pretty much go against their very own things.
I clearly remember when magic was used in the bible.
I think it's Joshua [The names get mixed up in my head], when he was about to go into a war he wasn't sure that he'd win at, he went to a foreseer, it was the last time that magic and future predicting was allowed.
After it, god commanded to kill all witches and all the ones who use their power.
Is weather included in foreseeing?
After all, it is predicting the future... Right?
You know, it's quite sad that instead of stoning sinners, we just ban them from out society.
Why not stoning?! We are overpopulating, and it's fucking awesome.
I think that for an Atheist, I enjoy and admire the bible too much.
Oh well, at least I'm not like my silly friends, claiming themselves as atheist and simply describing it as "people who believe in science and not in god."
I want to smack the stupid out of them when I hear it.
NO, WE DO NOT BELIEVE IN SCIENCE.
We don't believe in gods, or anything of that sort.
We simply don't believe.
Sure, we can reason and explain with what science does, exploring and explaining, finding logic in things.
But we do not believe in science!
Saying that you believe in science is basically being a deist.
I'm going to play Spore, I love this game, I want to pass all the evolution levels.
To excel in this game.
I was playing, I finished the cell stage, I wanted to have a carnivore on hard, which for me is the hardest.
Carnivores are very violent, and their mouths are always hard to use for socialisation, and I can't get any dances, or charms, or poses!
I'm a bit tired, so I'd probably rest a bit more, everything that would take my mind away from the pain I'm causing Yael.
Now, it's eight pm.
I told Yael I was punished.
I feel like she's wasting her time on me, and I know that the right thing to do is to tell her we'd better end our friendship,
I know that I should do it, for her, she deserves better, I can't offer her the support she needs, and it would be cruel to expect her to be there for me when I can't be there for her.
I'm going to have changing moods, I'm going to hurt her, I know I will, I better leave her now before it'd end in the wrong way.
I should pluck up some courage, she deserves good friends, people who actually can give her a better option.
She deserves better than everything I can offer, and I just block her way to better places.
I can't find any other people in Google, ending a relationship because of the same reasons.
We're not in college, or dating, or married, or anything they do.
Plainly close friends, one is incredible and perfect and worries too much and the other is a person that your parents warned you about, that type of a person that just ends up hurting you, that bad influence and strain you deal with.
I really feel weird about writing the last sentence, because of "I'm the person your parents warned you about" sounds like a fucking emo/ punk poseur trying to be hip or something, but my parents actually warned me to stay away from certain people.
I became like these people.
Okay, I wanted to have some fun, I went to the "emo" tag on Stips.
There was a question with 101 answers.
It's really funny, because when somebody tries to break a record with answers, it usually reaches to seven, but when somebody just raises the term "emo" people go bat shit crazy about it.
Okay, some female asked if males would date a girl that doesn't shave her armpit.
I feel like people who don't shave and don't apply deodorant [don't give me the "dangerous chemicals" bullshit, the things that people would do are worse than these chemicals] should be banished from society.
You're sweaty, it's full of germs, it smells, it's plain cruel to leave us with that horrifying stench.
Week old corpses smell better than you!
YES.
THAT BAD.
I miss Omri, he's alive, I know it because he answers and he tried to message me.
It's so restricting to be blocked there, it's like having tape on your mouth when you have a very important thing to say.
You know what I find mildly annoying?
When people use numerals.
Why for? You don't have the shitty gender thing anyway!
It doesn't natter if it's two boys or two girls, it's two anyway, pronounced and written in the same manner!
In Hebrew we use it because we are too fucking lazy and tired of being corrected if it's a female or male two.
For fucks sake, nobody has the power for it.
And we should work more on the throat letters anyway, I can't understand what people say with the lack of difference and correctness in these 3 major letters. [There are four, but three sound the same from people who can't say a'a (ע) or a (א) or ha (ה) differently.]
Well, I think I should think about my action planning my next steps.
On the meanwhile, I'm going to enjoy being on Wikihow.
There's this article "How to be a good student without being teacher's pet".
Now sweety, what's the fun about that?
My teachers think I'm bright, I'm lovely, willing to listen to them and follow up, the fact that I can listen and go pretty well makes them go "I didn't fail at teaching this 'tards! I didn't" because most of my classmates can come up with these dumb questions, and then repeat them for five times. Because I listen quite well I catch them cussing and swearing [I'n getting used to say "swearing" and it's fucking hard, how come "fuck" is a swear?! It's more stupid then the ones who misuse the biblical word for swearing, you own them your slaves, at least one daughter, and all of your goats, and sometimes your wife as well! If you don't know what you're doing or saying, don't do it!] and they see me smirking at them, amused by their reaction, and they look at me, smiling awkwardly.
I don't tell anyone, these teachers are fucking awesome and it's not their fault that the students are just talking in the meanwhile and have to ask it five times.
Back to teacher's pet, you need to be memorised, my teacher knows I am very good at maths, but I'm fucking horrible when it comes to dividing and multiplying with negatives and positives.
I do everything correct but that.
Yep, it sounds like I'm going to be that person who surprises you with the 3 units in maths....
By the way future and grades, I still worry sometimes when it comes to the conscription.
There's this thing... The body checks.
I fear that I'd have scars, and the doctor would look at me, shaking his head and saying that I need to be sent to the MHO, and I have no idea what kind of a MHO I'd fall on, the one who takes a bit of the medication that in his cabinets and couldn't care less, the one who needs more help than you do, the over-curious type, the school-counsellor type [over excited], everything.
Oh well, I better not think about it.
Good night lovelies.
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