There are more Irish people recently... And I wonder, why?
I probably mentioned something that they googled by accident and they just reached here.
Oh, most of you directly google the website, that's pretty awesome.
And ow, the right one hurts and the left one tries to compete with her, their state of competition is a tie, because they have different pain.
Fuck, that's a stupid day to hate myself and not want to eat!
I'll just force myself... I have to.
I really feel sickened by the thought of eating now.
It's just an effect of being worried about a dude who cuts his damn neck.
And maybe a bit of my old behaviour of course.
And just a sprinkle of the hatred I keep for myself.
I ate.
I'm going to shop some equipment soon, I had this weird dream [or was it a nightmare?] about purchasing it, going for razors, seeing a part of a small blade, a pretty good one, not too big, not too small, a bit round at one part, perfect, right?
It was, but I really started panicking about what to do next, they didn't have any medical supplies, and those would look even weirder! I remember crying there and freaking out.
Gladly, today I'm probably going for bandages alone, last night I looked for the best first aid kit we can have.
I'm going to list it here and also have a page for it, because I truly think that it's better to have one here, you know I do it anyway, and hell, you may do it too, but it's very important to take care no matter what.
It's probably one of the rather important things, to minimise the amount of the injure, because you may never know what comes later.
I have to take care of my wounds, if not, I won't be able to perform simple everyday tasks, as running the warm up of six hundred or more recently, kilometer, and sometimes even more, I won't be able to sprint properly, because it would hurt too much to get my knees up, I can't allow it as a student.
Okay, on your right, there's my current bedsheet, in the original size [a click on the image] you can see this orange thing.
Now that you see it, do you think that it's blood?
I hope it's not.
And a reminder, I'm going to change the template and layout soon.
I don't like how it looks like now.
The one below is how my thighs look like, not very mangled of course, it's
just a bit weird and would produce some entertainment after the cuts would heal completely and the only thing that would remain, are stripes of skin that are slightly lighter, noticeable only for me.
I see the ones on my wrist.
There are only two that you can see rather easily.
Oh most of the cuts on my left thigh almost faded away, the top four [you can see them at the image, top left] aren't so easy, but it's good, because they are easier to hide!
The right ones from the other side... I've cut slightly deeper there in the shallow ones [just above the fat] so they are a bit more annoying.
Anyway, that's how it is in my body.
As corrupted and as fucked up as I'd like it to be.
At least I'm not a wreck.
The cut here, on the left, is the one on my right thigh, the first deep one... It just gets brown and a bit of beautiful dark rosy pink, I assume it's the healing.
I don't think I ever got cut that looked like it, the deepest one I got was buried under a gauze, because I got a cut on my big toe.
I just know how scratches and other small wounds look like, I used to fall on my knees a lot.
Oh well, I'm going to google it later.
I just hope it's healing, because getting an infection is not an option.
I'd rather go and visit hell.
Which is absolutely awful, I hate Jerusalem.
The one hear is the one from yesterday, the cut on my left thigh.
I knew it's more bloody than the right one, even at the first stages.
Maybe my fat there is a bit more probably more sensitive or something.
I asked on stips about the wound that's weird [the brownish one] they say it's probably going to be alright, but there's a chance for infection, so I should probably take care.
It's getting slightly late, I should probably get out and purchase the things, or maybe... Once again, like a coward, I'd wait.
I'd probably wait.
I'm still a coward dear.
I'm going to check up on them.
They are alright, probably trying to heal themselves.
I hope that by Kippur's end they'd start becoming better scabs.
One in brown and another one in red.
Gladly I'm not the scab opener type.
Or not gladly, because I cut in more places instead of the same.
I guess it's better, because mine would be less deep and dangerous, or obvious and they are less likely to open up.
Oh, there's another past-cutter whose trying to convince me to leave it now instead of later.
She has a good heart.
It's just that people don't understand how cruel, how evil, how wrong I am.
I've done things that go straightly against my morals.
Things that I call "plain evil" are crimes that I have committed.
I said that causing other to fall into a mental illness is one of the worst things you can do.
And yet, I did it.
Fucking hell, I don't understand why evil people get such great things.
Can't I just have miserable life and die?
I'd rather have awful life and die soon, because then at least I'd be over and the pain and misery that
clouds my friends drift away.
Oh, I almost forgot to write you the list.
Okay, I'm going to make it on the page and bring it here.
I fixed the music and soon I'm going to have one, I need more material, I found myself in some magical way googlin....
Oh, I remember why, in our school-made English workbook, we got this:
Yeah, yeah, Pon and Zi stuff, things that are highly known near the emo of '08 culture, and on the top suggested similar searches were "Emo Cuts" and who am I to resist, right?
Some are shallow, some are deep, and some are plain bizarre.
There's one who cut her neck, and I assume that this is how his cuts look like.
It still seems dangerous as hell.
I don't understand how are the people around him are somewhat okay with it.
Dude, there is the city's and the region's psychiatrist, how the hell can you get away from it?!
Anyway, I'm glad I have stopped with the wrist
If I would go on... Oh dear, no more pretty gowns!
Okay, guys, I get sometimes these weird wrist pains.
It hurts like a bitch.
I just feel a huge down in my mood.
I don't know what would help, cutting probably won't, watching a movie won't, I guess I'd just "be" until it's over.
I fucking hate when it comes, I mean, I know I'm on my hormone medication, but still...
I just hate this vulnerability that floods me, I feel like in these moments I need a hug.
Oh, it's just pathetic! Why do I always have these stupid things?! Instead of whining like a little bitch, I should probably go and be with my friends that I tend to avoid from the fear! I deserve this.
I just thought about
Yom Kippur. Good night. I hope I'd survive, I wanted to cut but I couldn't, it's too risky.
I probably mentioned something that they googled by accident and they just reached here.
Oh, most of you directly google the website, that's pretty awesome.
And ow, the right one hurts and the left one tries to compete with her, their state of competition is a tie, because they have different pain.
Fuck, that's a stupid day to hate myself and not want to eat!
I'll just force myself... I have to.
I really feel sickened by the thought of eating now.
It's just an effect of being worried about a dude who cuts his damn neck.
And maybe a bit of my old behaviour of course.
And just a sprinkle of the hatred I keep for myself.
I ate.
I'm going to shop some equipment soon, I had this weird dream [or was it a nightmare?] about purchasing it, going for razors, seeing a part of a small blade, a pretty good one, not too big, not too small, a bit round at one part, perfect, right?
It was, but I really started panicking about what to do next, they didn't have any medical supplies, and those would look even weirder! I remember crying there and freaking out.
Gladly, today I'm probably going for bandages alone, last night I looked for the best first aid kit we can have.
I'm going to list it here and also have a page for it, because I truly think that it's better to have one here, you know I do it anyway, and hell, you may do it too, but it's very important to take care no matter what.
It's probably one of the rather important things, to minimise the amount of the injure, because you may never know what comes later.
I have to take care of my wounds, if not, I won't be able to perform simple everyday tasks, as running the warm up of six hundred or more recently, kilometer, and sometimes even more, I won't be able to sprint properly, because it would hurt too much to get my knees up, I can't allow it as a student.
Okay, on your right, there's my current bedsheet, in the original size [a click on the image] you can see this orange thing.
Now that you see it, do you think that it's blood?
I hope it's not.
And a reminder, I'm going to change the template and layout soon.
I don't like how it looks like now.
The one below is how my thighs look like, not very mangled of course, it's
just a bit weird and would produce some entertainment after the cuts would heal completely and the only thing that would remain, are stripes of skin that are slightly lighter, noticeable only for me.I see the ones on my wrist.
There are only two that you can see rather easily.
Oh most of the cuts on my left thigh almost faded away, the top four [you can see them at the image, top left] aren't so easy, but it's good, because they are easier to hide!
The right ones from the other side... I've cut slightly deeper there in the shallow ones [just above the fat] so they are a bit more annoying.
Anyway, that's how it is in my body.
As corrupted and as fucked up as I'd like it to be.
At least I'm not a wreck.
The cut here, on the left, is the one on my right thigh, the first deep one... It just gets brown and a bit of beautiful dark rosy pink, I assume it's the healing.
I don't think I ever got cut that looked like it, the deepest one I got was buried under a gauze, because I got a cut on my big toe.
I just know how scratches and other small wounds look like, I used to fall on my knees a lot.
Oh well, I'm going to google it later.
I just hope it's healing, because getting an infection is not an option.
I'd rather go and visit hell.Which is absolutely awful, I hate Jerusalem.
The one hear is the one from yesterday, the cut on my left thigh.
I knew it's more bloody than the right one, even at the first stages.
Maybe my fat there is a bit more probably more sensitive or something.
I asked on stips about the wound that's weird [the brownish one] they say it's probably going to be alright, but there's a chance for infection, so I should probably take care.
It's getting slightly late, I should probably get out and purchase the things, or maybe... Once again, like a coward, I'd wait.
I'd probably wait.
I'm still a coward dear.
I'm going to check up on them.
They are alright, probably trying to heal themselves.
I hope that by Kippur's end they'd start becoming better scabs.
One in brown and another one in red.
Gladly I'm not the scab opener type.
Or not gladly, because I cut in more places instead of the same.
I guess it's better, because mine would be less deep and dangerous, or obvious and they are less likely to open up.
Oh, there's another past-cutter whose trying to convince me to leave it now instead of later.
She has a good heart.
It's just that people don't understand how cruel, how evil, how wrong I am.
I've done things that go straightly against my morals.
Things that I call "plain evil" are crimes that I have committed.
I said that causing other to fall into a mental illness is one of the worst things you can do.
And yet, I did it.
Fucking hell, I don't understand why evil people get such great things.
Can't I just have miserable life and die?
I'd rather have awful life and die soon, because then at least I'd be over and the pain and misery that
clouds my friends drift away.
Oh, I almost forgot to write you the list.
Okay, I'm going to make it on the page and bring it here.
I fixed the music and soon I'm going to have one, I need more material, I found myself in some magical way googlin....
Oh, I remember why, in our school-made English workbook, we got this:
Yeah, yeah, Pon and Zi stuff, things that are highly known near the emo of '08 culture, and on the top suggested similar searches were "Emo Cuts" and who am I to resist, right?Some are shallow, some are deep, and some are plain bizarre.
There's one who cut her neck, and I assume that this is how his cuts look like.
It still seems dangerous as hell.
I don't understand how are the people around him are somewhat okay with it.
Dude, there is the city's and the region's psychiatrist, how the hell can you get away from it?!
Anyway, I'm glad I have stopped with the wrist
If I would go on... Oh dear, no more pretty gowns!
Okay, guys, I get sometimes these weird wrist pains.
It hurts like a bitch.
I just feel a huge down in my mood.
I don't know what would help, cutting probably won't, watching a movie won't, I guess I'd just "be" until it's over.
I fucking hate when it comes, I mean, I know I'm on my hormone medication, but still...
I just hate this vulnerability that floods me, I feel like in these moments I need a hug.
Oh, it's just pathetic! Why do I always have these stupid things?! Instead of whining like a little bitch, I should probably go and be with my friends that I tend to avoid from the fear! I deserve this.
I just thought about
Yom Kippur. Good night. I hope I'd survive, I wanted to cut but I couldn't, it's too risky.
Maybe next year I'd tell them I don't believe and save this hell from me.
No comments:
Post a Comment