Gifs of last night and a new friend of their wounds.

So....
The amusingly small but record-breakingly deep cut I possess, bled more than the usual, and I think it also released other liquids, because it wasn't blood alone.

Now, videos.

It was very strange yesterday, because of the freshness of it, it didn't stop with the blood and barely allowed me to just look at it and just understand better what I'm staring at.

On one of the videos, it really seems like it stopped being blood alone.

You know what's annoys me the most lately, that in every image I take, I look a lot paler.
And it's fucking depressing... Until I accept it to some degree, you just have to get me back into something I'll never ever be.
I'm black, I got it, I get enough shit for my skin colour anyway, so many rude people around this city have made sure that I know how much they despise me, even though that I'm in Israel for more generations.

Okay, this wound is the one I talked about, look at the clear liquid that's in too... Is it fat? I surely hope it is, because if it's not, then  have no idea what it really is, and that's way worse.
It was slightly better when I actually knew exactly what I'm doing, then I knew it's blood, and blood alone, now it's blood and the other substance.
Oh, yesterday, the time I got squeamish

was at the times where I tried to cut there, but it was too bloody to see through, and I couldn't see what I'm doing, so I just drew a bit more blood, but the blood that was already there drenched the razor.

It was weird.
Very weird.
I mean I just needed to clean the razor....
Oh, before I've cut with the scissor and my baby-razor [soon a bigger one will be purchased] I cleaned them with the alcohol we got.
I want to get some sweet tea.

Do you know these awkward times where you hear metal, and suddenly you just want all of the "cuddly" things?

Oh, the third gif won't show up... Oh well, it's not the end of the world.


Last night, I understood something awful.... I've got a practise today.
So maybe, cutting is not the best idea.
I wonder how will school be... I mean, what am I going to wear? Leggings? Is it a good idea? Oh, I'm probably just being over worried.
It hurts, sure it does, but nothing too bad, I can function properly.



Oh, another bad thing, my family wants to go to Eilat.
I hate wasting my resting time, and I also would be stuck for good if I'd wear shorts... Until I got better with deeper, and to for once... Actually cut and not only scratch myself with razors and not enough courage.
Now, when I'm being slightly more creative [Why use only one type of razor when you can use two?] I'd have to stop.
And of course that I'd be punished.
It's almost impossible to deal with myself when my options are taken away.
I'm glad that I'm not discovered yet.

I have no power for going back to fasting and barely eating and then binging and overeating like an emotional freak.
I also have no power for arguing and saying that I'm alright and I'm not doing anything that seems like an eating disorder.
I just want to get one rather safe option.
You know, in some way, it's healthier for me, I mean, anorexic tendencies can [and usually they do] end in awful ends, they basically have awful effect on everything that's on your insides, and your outsides, hell, anorexia's a bitch.
From the other side, my self harm is nothing.
I'm not going to maniacally shred my fat and muscle until I reach the bone.

And yes, there's a photo of a person [probably a girl because of the body shape] who dug so deeply, the the bone is exposed, and the knife is from the other side.
Absolutely horrifying.
I can't find it the image.



It's seven and twelve minutes, I should get ready, I had enough time to enjoy being awake, because I'm awake from five thirty.

Okay, it's really weird when I touch the cut [I always do it, even with the scratches, like, let me feel the raised skin!] because there's a very small raise, and then, it gaps.
It's actually a cut...
I mean, skin is actually open.

Fucking delightful.


I'm going to get ready, an awful person has life to do.




I'm back.
I felt disgust and anxiety today...  When I was in breaks from that gorgeous mask I wear and treat so well.
I think quite often about that suicide, and how great that would be, because I'm going to hurt them all in their weakest spot, why not end it and barely hurt them?
But once again, my terrible personality shines, and I'm a coward.

I want to cut today, I really want now, but that would be stupid, I got a practise soon.
Oh, Blogger tried to correct me from "got a" to "gotta". wish


I'm leaving for the practise, I'm still as horrible as ever, I might go today to the movies, maybe enjoy with wasting my time among my buddies.


I'm back after the practise, Irena is impressed, and Riki thinks that Yael and I are going to go to competitions together.
I wish for it, and then finally, I'd be good in something and not just the failure of a child.

So, the first two images are of the cuts I've done, one is before the shower, and one is after.
The one with the dark brown filling is the pre, and the cleaner one is post.
Do you think that I'd get a raised scar?
That would be so cool!
That would be... Well...  What I wanted.
I always wanted to have these scars, and I know that they are ugly, but my ugly personality just shines through it's hosting body.
Oh, I'm a living pathetic being.
At least I cleaned it, it really scared me earlier, because wounds aren't supposed to be brown, I thought I'm having an infection and I wanted to die.
If I get an infection, it's very bad from a couple of reasons, my tetanus shot is about to expire and I'm doing a new one this year.
So an infection is very dangerous for me, and it meant that all day long I looked for it, to make sure I'm not numb.
And the brown thing blocked the gap differences, so I could barely spot it.
Like I already said, it raises and then there's a gap.
Like mountains.

Mountains look beautiful... From great distances of course.

You see this mister?
It started like every other cut, quick, sharp, strong.
Almost as always, even though that back then, I used to be more draggy with most of them.

And then, I use the scissors, they aren't really sharp if thinking about it.
My pencil sharpeners are sharper.
The image in the bottom right of this paragraph is my proof.
I've cut on it after it, but I had to bandage it later.
It was quite a mess.
Ha, at least I wrapped it up before too much mess would happen.
I'd show you the cleaned cut tomorrow.

Here's on the right the bandage straight after I covered it, seems a bit more bloody than usual, sure, but not too much.
It was okay, I thought that it would be the worst.
But nope.
It bled a bit more.
Oh well, at least on Sukkot I'm getting some gauze pads.
Or maybe I'd get on Sunday.
I probably should get them soon.
And maybe they got the butterflies, as I'm going to go deeper, I need better tools.
I wonder if the stores are open tomorrow at the morning, if they are, it'd be pretty awesome if so, you'd see me skipping down the aisles, like a child in a candy store... Heh, a member in the My Pro Ana community described her trip to some store like Walmart or something, she found razors.
I'm going to do that too.
But tomorrow is healing and treatment.
Okay, the one on the right is what it looked like an hour ago, it looks prety much the same now.


Wow, it's weird.
I'm discussing about my wounds without n answer, with complete strangers.
I can only assume things.
I'm pretty amazed by the amount of blood.
I think I'm going to check on it soon.


Well, I got up to get an icicle, and the fresh one hurt as it should, but the one from yesterday hurt too.

Oh, I looked at it, it's alright.
The bandage was the thing that looked bad.
I feel like  I was fed with more lies that a good Lies pizza has [people who saw Evanescence video for Everybody's Fool]

In other and cool news, I was listening to Volatire's music, and I looked on the comments of a song named "Oh My Goth!" and the top was of the surprise of a person who saw that the guitarist is Ray Toro.
I'm surprised as well.

Voltaire's style changed of course [if you stay almost the same in such a great time difference, you should worry] but it's still amazing.


Oh, this boy I call a friend is going to kill himself before he'll hit fourteen.
He cuts muscle deep, so I don't even dare to imagine what he does to his neck.
He does it quite often, and he also skips his meds like it's nothing.
If he doesn't take them, he just bleeds out.
By the way, the image on the right is the cut from yesterday.
And the one below is not the best quality, and there's a... You know... behind me, of course.
My legs are weird.

I removed the bandage, I might put another one, this one doesn't bleed, it just got blood in it, and it's not clotted much, if I touch it I will get blood on my hands.




Okay guys, I'm going to tape it or something and go to sleep.

Tomorrow Yom Kippur starts, so praise the lord, beg for mercy, and fast a lot.
First religious fast as an atheist.
It's not a biggy thanks to my previous corrupted ways.

I wish that the blood on today's wound will disappear and then I'd laugh when I'd pretend that one cut talks to the other like they're twins, because they are a lot alike.

Yeah... Maybe I shouldn't be allowed to cut because of this...
Oh well, it's weird for me to go that deep.
And yes, it's deep because it started to gape open.
Oh shit, I'm going to end up with stitches, won't I?
I hope I'd get along at home with my butterflies and my gauzes and tapes, even though that I need to exercise a lot.
If I weren't in a sports class, I could have cut more often.



Oh well, I'm going to bed, the cuts are tingly.