What's up, Doc?

I'm listening to Trouble of Coldplay [one of the better songs that exist in this world.]
I'm sorry [but not really sorry at the same time, it's just a shame I missed such a great post] for not posting yesterday, I had a very busy day.

So, let's start from the night, at the evening of Monday I told my dad that I'd like to try to sleep without the Valerian and passion fruit capsule, which gave me a horrendous night.
Not only that I managed to fall asleep at about midnight, I was in these on-and-off nights, you know those? Where you're not really sleeping, but you're not really awake? It's awful, you're basically daydreaming through the night.
And then I woke up at four thirty, and couldn't fall back asleep.
So I decided to stay in bed and read things in my phone until six or so.

Then I went to school, I didn't want to go, but I need to save myself some distance between each refusal.
I'd refuse when I feel even worse, whether it's because of shame and guilt, or if I'd like to do what Emily-with-a-y called "self-pitying, crying, snuggling, and resting day", I saw her at one of those days, it was the damn alarms, she was afraid that her friends' there.
I didn't mind it back then, but if I hear a single buzz noise that sounds like it, I'm partly freezing and I have to calm myself down.
Mostly assuring myself that I'm not in that stupid institution.

Anyway, as I dragged myself to school, I went to the classroom as usual, chatted a bit, mostly read on my phone.
As the bell rang, Yael and I [which I'd redefine the relationship] went towards the stage area, at the ridiculously huge concrete pieces that we use as stairs and seats, I wanted to hop on it, and managed to hurt my tibia [shinbone, the larger bone in your calf] and it's still tender.
I proceeded with the day, going to the courts and rinks and what not area, and sat with Guy and Yael and Shira [Yael and Shira barely stayed there] and talked.
He said couple of things that I'd probably mark a bit for noticing it, for safety.
I assume you can guess the topics.
Typical shit that tweenagers [I'd feel filthy when I'd write "teenagers" instead, and I've got about five months and three days] talk about.
Upcoming events, sexuallity, life, death, recent events [vaccination], complaining.

Afterwards, we continued off as usual.
Then, two periods at the stadium, fuck.
I basically complained most of the time "I really don't want to jump", or "I don't have any power".
I felt like I'm too repetitive after a while so I tried to stop complaining, it reduced, but didn't completely cease.

Then, fucking maths.
I didn't pay any attention, I suck at geometry anyway [we learn now geometry].
I basically continued with the same drawing Yael wanted me to give her.

And I basically continued the day.

After school I went to Dabush like I promised him.
We watched the first two episodes of the second season.

After a while we went to the Cabaria together, spent time, watched a presentation about a Wane dude that was a hockey player, number 99. 

The day have passed and at five thirty my dad came there and took me to Dr. Vardi. 

Dr. Vardi is the same psychiatrist from two years ago. 

Yeah, that man. 

He was pretty awesome. 

He's direct, he doesn't bother with waiting, and I actually don't feel awkward while talking to him [long silences and pauses and expecting that I'd speak up]. 

Now, remember that it'll be funny if after all I did have a problem and I was supposed to be medicated but my parents refused it? Not funny. 

They've sent me to an art therapist instead of medication and a psychologist. 

I don't know if it excuses any action I've done, but I'd like to think that it does. 

Anyway, today was a longish day. 

I had a migraine at the second period of sports, we were playing ping-pong, and the loud noise added up to the irritation from the unending cycle of Lee's apologies. 

I just asked at first if we can have a break, Shira didn't agree to replace me and play with Lee [i didn't want to leave her alone] so I went on for a few more minutes until it was unbearable. 

Afterwards everything went well. 

Until I gave Yael the doodle I made. 

She showed it to too many people to my liking. 

People have fucking said that they'll pay me for me to doodle for them. 

Who the fuck am I? An artist?

If I were, I'd be so tacky that I'd rather die  [that would have been better if I wasn't longing for it anyway but just waiting patiently until I could properly do so.]

I'm now at my bed. 

I'm supposed to go to sleep, but I'm not tired enough or willing enough. 

You know, when I still waited for the unknown nonexistent problem mystey to be solved, I thought I'd be at least slightly less empty, if not completely okay. 

But no. 

It just leaves me with less things to pass time with. 

Now I'm stuck. 

Stuck until I'd get better treatment. 

Preferably anything that they recommend but hospitalisation. 

I guess that now, as always, I'd wait patiently until the next time something will happen and when it's over, I'd wait again. 

It really sucks you know? I actually expected to get proper treatment, but haven't got anything that is call "proper". 

The closest to proper is the hopes that the doctor gave me. 

I just guess I'm going to hold my hopes high, read about the truth, show myself the worse that can happen and convince myself it is not that bad. 

I'm going to live the routine I call "overpacked" and remond myself that I could have it worse while bein both in sports class, cabria, 22 hours of hockey, barely get any sleep, have to study for tests, and still have relationships with friends. 

I guess that I was depressed all along and was never quite sure. 

Now is have to apologise. 

I've bet myself up too much over claiming that I was depressed and calling myself "a pathetic liar who has no fucking clue and is obviously not depressed."

Even though it's still pretty true, I guess I owe myself an apology.