Par-tayyyyyyyy!!!

It really sucks when you and your best friend trying to make a Sylvester party and no one can because "it's too late" or something.
 I can really damage myself right now.
Actually, why wouldn't I? I have a razor in  my pocket, why wouldn't I?
Here it  goes!
I lost a razor! Again!
That's really weird that my scars almost healed.
It's so fucked up that I'm out of blood there. It's really painful but not bleeds, it's so fucked up.
I seriously want to take knife and cut.
I'm messed up.
It's so painful that I cant move my left arm without have weird facial expression.
I want to have a party.
It's not that bad! It's not like I'm drug dealing!
I want to seriously die.

I hate it! Hate it hate it hate it!
I hate everything now.

I want to do something.
I want have this party. I want have fun. I want be alive.
I want be alive.

New budget:
Everyday 1000
Saturday 1200

Heeyyyy sexy lady!

I feel so good right now after doing sport.
My dad thinks to make me to a subscriber there an everyone he goes I will to!
It was amazing!

And now my mom ruined my feeling.
And people ask me why I'm so upset all the time and look sad.

For now I'm not hungry.
Just thirsty.
I don't know what I'll eat for lunch.
I know it be something small.
Maybe 3 schnitzels.
And a little of ketchup.

I really want to eat something.
I don't know what.
I'll ate until now 368 calories.
I need to find low-calorie snack.
I ate fucking 300 calories now!!!
No lunch for me.
If it were normal day I would kill myself.
Luckily today is 1000 and tomorrow 500.
I think I'll need to get the budget lower.
Maybe I'll eat only in school and dinner.
I'll eat healthier in school.
Snack is a fruit or vegi.
Dinner it's what dinner be.
I can't stay fat.
I am fat.
I feel awful.

You see the title?
Never mind it.

I tried to vomit but I failed.
I stuck the not hairy side of my toothbrush to the throat and I almost could but I failed.
I'm so fatass.

I'm not hungry

I'm so fat.
Today I will not eat much from the fatting breakfast (I'll have to eat some unless my parents do something and be suspicious).
Then about 12 pm I'll go to the gym with my dad and I'll do really hard work on the treadmill.
Then I'll eat for dinner toasted bread and an pear or apple or 3-5 strawberries.
And I'll say I'm not hungry at lunch.

I can't stay fat like I am.
All of my friends are skinny or satisfied from how they look.
I am so fat.
My best friends are skinnier with me. I seriously feel like third wheel. Maybe a third tier.

Why can't I be skinny as they are?
Why I deserve it?
Why I am so fat?
Why can't people love me?
Why everyone...
Hates....
Me?
I'm so fat.
Diet starting from now.

I'M SO FAT.

I'm so fat.
47 kg. and 151 cm. ?!
I'm so fat!
I won't eat more then  500 calories a day and in Saturday my maximum be 1000.
I'm so fat.
I'm the fattest.
 I almost in my mom weight and height.
I'm so fat.
I have to stop eating.
I'm so fat.
I'll run everyday across the field once or twice and only drink water and I won't eat outside till I'll be at least 10 kg less.
I'm so fat.
I'm so fat that I can't wear bikinis anymore!
I'm doing diet.
It's the only option for fatties like me.
I'm so fat.
How someone can be so fat?!
I'm the fattest girl in the class! Did you saw the beautiful skinny cute girls from the other class?! I want be skinny as they are.

I want to vomit everything I eat.
I'm disgusting myself.
I'm revolting.
I'm such a cow.
Moo.
I'm so fat!


I hate myself.
I'm so fat.
I want to cry and be skinny.
I'm so embarrassed.
I'm so fat.  

Fattest girl in the world.

I'm so fat that I want die.

I'm so fat.

Fat.

FAT.

I'm so fat.

I'm so fat.

I won't eat no matter what.

I am too fat.

Better then chocolate

Blood is like my secret chocolate.
It's twice reliving.
The problem it's when I'm on period and then it's so painful to get blood so I eat chocolate.
I want do something important.
Stupid being young.

I'm really empty today.

I need to decided about the clip I'll made.
I know it will tell my story.
I know the place.
I know the equipment.
I don't know how I'll tell it.
It's really hard to me.

I am fat.
Seriously.
My stomach is huge.
I'm cutting with chocolate.
I'll stop eat tons of unhealthy food.
Serious no-counting diet.
It's one think to be a broken toy but it's whole other thing to be fat ugly broken toy.
I don't care.
Diet is the option.
I can punish myself and put some acetone in the half-healed scars and praise myself with something.
I don't really care what I am going to.
Staying like this is not an option.
If loss in weight causes cool temperature, I don't mind, freezing is great.

I wanna grow old with you,
I wanna die lying in your arms,
I wanna grow old with you,
I wanna be looking in your eyes,
I wanna be there for you,

I feel weird.
So weird.

Sometimes I wonder if something matter happen soon because I feel like I just wasting my days. Like I'm missing something.
Just few things keeps me alive and it's the strings.
I need to do something.
First a diet. After being skinny and healthy and happy everything better.
Then I'll think.
Diet is what I need.
I look fat for bikini.
I have to be skinny enough for my mom let me wear leggings next year.


I WANT TO FIND EVERY WAY TO DIE AND DO IT, BUT STAY ALIVE EVERY TIME AGAIN TO SHOW LIFE WHAT IS LIFE.

I'mPossible

I am a fabulous fool.
Fooling everyone but myself.
I have a story to share.
I have so many things to offer.
I have rare point of view.

I offense myself. I doubt myself.  I see what I want to see. I try but fail. I against myself. I have so much to tell and show.
I learned something today.
A quote of Audrey Hepburn.

Nothing is impossible.The word says I'm possible!

I do think about making a video.
About what I've passed through.
It's more then slightly funny that I'm only 11.
A child. A young girl who don't know a piece of shit of her life.
This is who I am.

I'm starting a diet.
Including punishment and no snacks but water.
If I eat something - a cut.
If I drink something - a stroke.
Painful it won't be because I won't let myself eat much.
Maybe I'll skip school brunch.
It won't be that bad. I'll just eat healthy.
I'll be better.
SKINNY, I have to be skinny.
I am fat and I promised myself that I'll wear leggings in middle school.
I must do it.

I'll be fine
I promise!

 So I think I talk later.
I hope I'll be fine.
Maybe a night cut be nice.

I'm dancing with tears in my eyes
Just fighting to get through the night
I'm losing it
With every move I die
Dancing With Tears in My Eyes by Ke$ha

I'm okay in my mind, right?

I want love.

*correction*

I need love.

Good night.

Because in the second day of Christmas the blog writer gave to me, something to think about and a imaginary hug.

LIER

Age is just a NUMBER

I just need to say what I feel.
Like a poison.
It's kind of nameless blog.
One that I really don't care if someone I know read it.
Seriously.

The 13 cut in this two days.
13/23 I got today.
Before 3 days ago I had only 10. Now 23.
Seriously I'm a broken toy.
And like I say zillion times, who would want a broken toy? Nobody.
And it's true.
Burning truth.
I can almost feel good.
It stop helping me for a long while like it used to be.
It effectiveness is getting lower and lower.
So weird. I'm starting to develop weird facial expressions -THANKS A LOT BOOKS-
I feel stupid.
So stupid.

I hate when I can't cut.
I feel weak.
I hate be weak.
I hate that so much that I want to kill myself. But I'm afraid so it's a weak.
I want to do something like fall in love with the one who oves me back and we can be together.

I hate being young.
No one in my friend get it that I'm mature then hey are that I need to evolve backwards for them.
I am 7, 14, 32 and 67 in one body.
I'm sharing Point of views.
Being childish it's 7.
Have pain and being crazy it's 14.
Regret and Be upset it's 32.
Be glad and think twice it's 67.
And I'm in 13-14 in body.
11 in age.
Random people think that I'm 12-14.
The ones who know me know that I'm 11.
Shame that I stuck.
SHAME.

I want shower and watch TV with my mom.

My advice: Do something good for someone. No matter who. Just do it.