Again

I'm sorry for being obsessive with all he story with Yali.
All this time I blamed myself, and rage has kept so hot and strong in my heart, in my blood.
And now here's the truth, the one who own the whole fault, to blame.
But what?
Nobody blames her, but me.
-almost- Everyone treats her like she's innocence and just a pretty face who make mistakes.
I will never call it a "mistake" because if mistakes would look like this, mistake would sound like killing instead of putting salt in the lemonade you made.

I wonder why people still act like nothing happened.
I know the reason, but it's still being douchy to my pain.
Like they don't have sympathy, at all.
They don't even care.
And they can't see me crumbling behind my walls.
I made no windows.
I wonder if they know that after school I ran to my bed and started crying?
Guessed when I'll face self harm or suiciding (that one of them will never happen and other never again), suicidal thoughts came, sane slipped away.
I cried and asked myself what's wrong with me.
After it I went to shower, and got in my bed, like I'll sleep.
I had nightmares, I woke up at night, and started to cry.

I started to plan everything in my life.
I planned my revenge.
I talked to my audience.
I always talk to myself, asking myself, answering to myself, since I was little, since I remember myself.
I promised myself that it will never happen again.
I learned everything that led me to this very moment.
From different cults, to the cuts, to another people.
I threw myself to everything that will except me, if not they way I am, the mask I'll made.

I made myself to built up again, a little less fragile.
Hanged on false hopes and dreams.
And then when I thought I finally "recovered", I was happy again.
Really happy.
I thought it was all behind me.

You know I was wrong.

I had pretty summer, surfing on waves, making friends with another people, with Ido, with a little girl named Yael, and another one that because of her I liked helix.
I loved every day of it.

School has started.
Nice.
A new principal that's better then our last one, the "Commander".
Let's start the year.
All the girls were in great relationship with me.
Especially with Gal.
At Hanukkah, Gal was in Germany, and I stayed sad and alone.
I was crazy and tried to cut myself.
I stole one of my father's shaving razors and broke it to 3 small metal blades.
I've cut myself, frantic from the joy in it.
And I've got my winter depression.
I was so sad, depressed.
And for the long winter.
I started to forget the pain everytime that I was with her.
And she started to push me away.
Guess that she didn't needed my friendship anymore.
Left me to bleed by myself.

And now you knot -again- the story.
Of course there's many more.
And this is why in my new blog (again? again!) The Chase, The post in the tab named "for the story", read it the full long exhausting story.

Today I want my new cousin.
She's so tiny, 6 days old.

But I prefer to not effect anyone in my bad aura.
My aura went brighter when I was with her, I could sense it.
So read the chase.