Lunch

I like to sleep.
I don't like to fall asleep, so I fell yesterday at 3 am.
But I also hate to wake up, so I waked up at 9 am.
I guess I'm in love enough with the middle.

I remember that I wanted to sleep so I shoved my head a little more into the blanket, and then, i have no idea why, but I SAW MARILYN MANSON IN SOME BLOND FORM.
Then I woke up, because after you see this, you just can't sleep.

So, I stayed so late to watch the first three episodes of Orange Is The New Black.
I love it, it's funny and creepy, and the girl with the black hair that because of what Piper did with her ten years ago they both in prison.

I just understood, that I'm one of the greatest liars around.
for the past two years I pretended that I'm happy.
When I was shattered, and numb, I reflected to the world that I'm the happiest girl on earth.
And it was kind of true, it still does, I'm the happiest on earth, but when I'm in the cyber world, or in my bubble, to many thoughts attacking me, and I have to surrender.

My mother is going insane lately, I don't want to be around her, I feel that if I will, I'll get another push, aimed directly to suicidal.
I wonder, how much time, I want to fly away, far away, to the other side of the world, to somewhere I could actually live.
And I want with people like you, the ones who actually understand my shit, my fucked up personality.
And I'll do things I'd like, surfing, snowboarding, and skating, creating art, and doing game things, because I love it, and my dream is to become a Youtube partner (however you call it).


Right now, I missed three times the starting of If You Can't Hang, and I hate the fact of it.
The reason, I'm sick of my mother, I just want to go away.
She is hitting my brother.
My only wish right now, that they won't turn out like me, I'd prefer that the people I actually care about hear crappy pop music, instead of understanding every word, because you know how it feels.
And no, there is no way I'll be able to hold it.
I;m sorry.
But I can't look at peoples eyes if they are too much like me, I just can't, it's hard, to see the misery in pain they hold too much, and to know that there is no way I could change it.


I hate this heaviness, why can't it's just be easier, it went this way for a very short while, why do I have to be sad over the summer?
I guess it's just something, and like every other thing, it will fade away eventually.
Have you saw something that lasts forever?
Love, is rarely to stay on earth, I believe in soul mates, but I also believe that they might be born ages ago, in different centuries, and the souls will keep rolling until they'll be in the same century, and then it will last, so the "I have a soul mate" is a pile of shit.

I have a soul mate, and I use it on daily basis, it's named my connection to the world, and this is -for now- the only thing I need, it became slowly like food water and sleep for me.


I love big eyes, my sister have big eyes with huge doll-like lashes.
Too bad she doesn't fix her eyebrows, and she want her hair as it is, I think that braid would fit her perfectly, but I won't make her to do it, it's her choice.


I remember seeing the quote...

I'm sorry I went to instagram, to try to find it, but instead I found something that kills me.
"Too many people know what it means to kill a butterfly"
I know, I remember, one day I drew it in school, I knew that I have to make it stop, it was a long time ago, and when she came in, this bitch, that only because of her I went to this very dark place, asked me what I'm doing, I said that I'm drawing, she replied "Cool, like a tattoo?", I lied and said "Yeah, like a tattoo", not how it should really come "No, like a sign to remind me to stop cutting myself".

Why am I doing it to myself?
It's over, the chapter is written, but why do I keep to read it.
Can you believe that this two years was probably the worst in my existence?


I posted this photo on Instagram:

http://instagram.com/p/cLunt_gqU6/

It's me, and you saw this photo.
You know it.



I still feeling like doing it, just don't have the guts to do it, after the check that my mother did to me, I was naked, only wearing panties, and she checked if I cut somewhere else.


Have you seen all the photos of skinny girls and the girls who posted said "I'd kill to get this body".
I know who they would kill.
Themselves.


Oh shit, I'm eating my feelings again.
Would it be that bad to skip lunch if my parents won''t be home?
No, I guess it wouldn't, and after all one lunch, it's not breakfast, breakfast matters,and dinner doesn't too.
Maybe I can go to outing with friends at the evening or on the afternoon, so I could say that I ate there -lie- and I'll just skip a meal.
Yeah, it's a good plan, and I can skip meals in the prison named course of Unity and Max 3d.
I don't like anyway to sandwiches.
I can starve a little, I can bring a gum or something, gum is good.


I can do it guys.



Do you have a weigh scale in you home?
I don't.
I don't know exactly why, but I just don't have one.
I'd like to have one.
I could guard my weigh and shit.





OH SHIT!
HER POISON?1
HOW?!
I'M WASN'T AROUND HER AND HER BULLSHIT FOR THREE MONTHS!
How is it possible?


I'll still do it.

But I am scared, because of her bullshit, other girls like me starve themselves.
Fuck her, fuck me, and fuck the world I'm breathing in, because we all know that living isn't healthy, after all, you die from it.




When I was about seven, I saw my grandpa.
He died when I was five.
But I remember me, seeing his ghost.
I never told it to anybody.
But I remember one time clearly, when I was in front of the supermarket, he told me "watch out!" as a car drove fast in front of me, I asked him "you are going to protect me, right?", and he smiled and said "yes, I will always do".

This was the last vision from him.

It's weird.
I know we have this things in our family, seeing ghosts, making magic.
It's weird but true.
And if I could practice it and make it real, it would be awesome.
But it's impossible.


I can learn some stuff, but the chances are low as the dead sea.
But after all, some weird creatures of planktons and alike been found there.
So even against all odds, there is the possibility.



I'm tired, so tired.
I want to sleep, but my mind won't let me to rest.
Oh well, at night I will.
And I will wake up to go to a psychologist I hate.
To doodle things.
But at least after the horror hour, I'll go to the craft store, to get white feathers, and polymer clay, and tools for it.
I want a doll, a thing that was a part from every girl childhood that she loved, every girl but me, the serial doll killer.



I'm really starting to cry.
Kissing in Cars.
But why?
It'll make sense on Fix You (though that my brain won't hear it).


Have you heard a song named Mirror Mirror, of a band (band, hmff, it's more like two girls than a band), named M2M?
I always thought it's another pop-soul song about heartbreak and a mistake she made (it's not a mistake it was on purpose, but only after it, she understood that it was wrong), but it's also hiding self hate.
I've noticed it today, I know this "band" since I'm seven, and I liked the song because every time they sand "Let me get you inside" or something alike, I thought that they said pikachu, and I watched Pokemon back there when it still was on TV.
This is the beginning of the song:

Why don't I like the girl I see
The one who's standing right in front of me

It's so depressing.

Dammit, even my innocence 7 year old music sucked away the happiness.

I lost the controller and I'm stuck with Ninjago.

Fuck.

It's just a fucking lame copy of Power Rangers.

I;m tired and this not eating thing is giving my body mad reaction.

For a minute I thought that it doesn't worth it.

But fuck it, I need to work on my self control, and if I'll be able to do it, I will.

I'm so hungry.

I'm still hungry, and it passed 30 minutes since the last I'm hungry.

My stomach is literally tied in knots.

I can feel it tying itself, from hunger.

Like my guts trying to eat.

It's the fucking hunger games in me.

So, I'll try to distract myself with building a house on the sims three, and watching the fat sims going skinny, but starving because whenever they'll die, I'll give them the death flower so they'll stay alive in misery together.

Cheers for my invincible creepiness.

Guys, it's been about 2 hours and a half, I didn't eat.

But I feel weak, I'm so tired, but I'm not that hungry, hunger might be stronger when you are tired, but when you let the body understand it, it won't be hungry.

I ate the last meal about 7 hours ago.

Breakfast was on 10am.

Now I'm eating dinner.

I took 4 meatballs and 3 potatoes.

It's a small amount.

If I would take bigger, my stomach will hurt from eating amount that it isn't used to.

That food doesn't taste good.

But I have to get protein in me.

Do you know all the "I can't drown my demons, they learn how to swim" bullshit?

If the demons knew how to swim the secret circle will probably be more epic.

But if you want to kill your demons, burn them.

There is no other option.

For my desert, I'm having a mango.

The food is disgusting.

I want to sleep.

But at 7 I have a guitar lesson.

I keep learning Stay Away From My Friends.

I like this song, it reminds me someone I would like to drown or set on fire, but she's deathproof.

By the the way MB, when I played The Sims 3 I heard voice memos, between me singing like a whale and me singing like a sexually active worm, I found something, when MB supposed to apologize, I left the phone in my pencil case that it will record.

And, she never came.

So I heard the whole conversation about everything, including the claps, they clapped me when the devil principal I had said hat I said, back there, when I was half surprised, I said foolishly "I just hope that they won't do what they done to me, to her", I shouldn't say it.

I know what I should say.

All the words that passes in my mind right now, this words that will hurt her, that she'll fucking understand what she done.

I have so many things to say.

Shame, that none of does will come to the world.

I'd like to jump from the window right now, I know that the height won't hurt me, after all the third story isn't high on our building.

But if I'd smash the glass on the way, yeah, a decent damage.

But there is no way on earth that I'm making the meetings with the psychopathic psychologist longer.

I hate her too much.

What?!

I didn't understand why stomach tied in knots plays until now, I'm in tunein, and it's a song in the one of the first stations that came in the artist I searched for, Pierce The Veil.

And I got as a "prize" another song I like, because it physically happened to me an hour or so ago.

So, tomorrow is doll time and forced-to-make-unnecessary-art day.

I like that song Situation 1, and Another Word for Desperate.

I want the doll to be a boy, a young boy with a a long hair, like of James from team rocket, but also have the more section/layers/spikes/however it called.

And the dress of old forest clothing, like on the old cartoon movies about Robin Hood.

And wings, small angel white wings, that I can take off.

Here's a song named I Never Got To See The West Coast, I never did too.

But my plans lays on living there.

I searched what cities are the main there.

And I saw San-Francisco, I firstly heard about the place about at the fourth or the fifth grade, when my ginger friends, Addi explained me from where she is, and I found out that they guy who mails me all the nice things, my friend, really likes the place.

I always remember this scene when I hear the name, if it's on a song, a movie, a book, or on TV.

It's just this way.

I finished with eating for today.

The only thing that will come in my mouth today is the pill I need to take, hormones for period and shit.

Ky is the fucking evolution of William from Code Lyoko.

It's so the same!

His uncle teaches him, he's good with wires and electronics, and he's in love with a girl that another one loves.

I finally got it.

High five people, I need one.

I deserve even a brofist!

I'll just keep watching code lyoko.

Holy mother of fucking moses.

I'm getting hyperactive!

The only fear of not eating is probably the period thing.

And I want twins.

So... Umm... yeah.

I want chocolate!

Good strawberry chocolate!

Guys, I'm getting insane.

I might say things that I don't mean them right now.

Like how much I'd like to rape a banana.

I'm weird when I'm hungry.

I'm like the dude from the snickers commercial, I'm not me when I'm hungry.

I should get some nice cold chocolate.

Guys, I don't know what to do.

I'm getting fucking mad in here, I should be in the cast of Alice In Wonderland.

But what?

I'm hungry,

Fuck this shit.

Well, no.

I didn't eat it.

I just won't lose again to my lack of self control.

Guys, if I have only one thing to tell about people who wear makeup (boys and girls).

Why?

There is a man, in Israel, a celebrity, who sings "dark" music, and I'm like, what? No.

Though that he have a song that one line is "I am the son of a bitch" and I said to my friends "I bet his mom proud of him"  and that was sick.

Another makeup thing, girls, there is the natural look (only one or two make up things), and there's the I-just-drowned-in-crayon-pool look.

And another guy make up thing, STOP SCARING SEVEN YEAR OLD CHILDREN, because when I was at the second grade one guy from my class accidentally (that was a real accident) clicked on some real metal band and it started with blood in a white room and fucking screaming.

They were a fucking mix of lordi and kiss, the funny thing that I liked it, instead of child trauma.

I have to go to my bed, it sucks, I know.

So, good night, if you'd like to talk, you'll find the way.

And as always,

Berries, survivors,

I hope you'll make it.