I wonder if I'm the only who react this way to self harm related content.
I'm ready to scream, to cry, to kill.
Everything about it, scares me.
It's good that my body react this way right now, he (my body is a he) doesn't agree to do it again, but in my mind, I think about it everyday.
Always, "what if"s and how it looked like.
I'm getting nervous when I read or hear about i.
Why am I talking about it?
From two reasons,
It's my blog, and if I won't say what that's happening to me, this blog will probably go back like the first post of Play, with the horrible trashy Nick Awards fashion thing.
And because, I just saw the finishing of Thirteen, and a girl in my shallow teen magazine (if I won't read it, the conversations with me will become comparable to talk with a wall), and this girl wrote about her friend, about how much she is worried about her, because her friend, cuts herself.
I think that I'm missing a heartbeat or I just stop breath when I hear/read/see self harm.
Or maybe just every kind of harm.
But, why?
Another thing I read about my shallow magazine, they ask things on facebook and put the best comments in two pages of the magazine, and they asked how do you thing you can reduce the bullying and fights among the teenagers (all the kids who read this fucking magazine should hear "teenagers", understand it, read it again, and make a huge riot in the center of Tel Aviv, and don't stop it until the government will make a law against any kind of bullying).
And the 3 top answers that was online is:
The golden post ('the best one")
To act as much as possible against bullying, to lecture, to make small shops in the mall with bracelets with sentences that is against bullying, and open Facebook groups....
There is a continue for the golden, but I think that he wrote that common bullshit that we all try but never succeed.
And here are the other two, my favorites!
To make a law against cyber bullying, that someone will really keep an eye on it and help to stop it.
The human being that wrote it should get million dollars, to hire one, because this human is brilliant!
This is what the state should do, instead of the religion bullshit!
Fuck it, who cares at your belief's when something that affects all the children (the futures generation), and stop it, if you want something better, let the kids do it, they are smart enough, and people! hear it, stop with the fights against each other while you all believe in the exact same god, and save the ones that really matter for you, your fucking families.
Now governmental people around the people, fuck off and stop the bullying.
And another thing, that I'm actually accomplishing right now:
I think that victims of bullies should go and tell their story, so that everyone will see what it could do, and make it stop. after all, everyone knows where's the line stands, and I'm sure that if the bullies will see what happened in similar situations, they'll stop.
That's true, and that's what I should do, to go to schools to share it everywhere.
More and more, until it will come to the news, the more that knows, the better it is, and to stay alive, it's what I actually want to do, to prove the world that you can be an outcast, but not from society, or anything, to be outcast of the statics, to prove that against all odds you did it, and all the other fuckers may, fuck themselves... (?)
So today was the last day of the current week on the annoying course.
Next week we'll learn the code language (the words and sentences that doesn't make sense) to use in Unity.
The worst part of it, it'd probably that I can't even start a conversation with them, they have way different interests than what I have.
They play Minecraft, I can't handle the shit, from three reasons, in the order of importance of the things (the first is less, the last is more).
1. I don't like the game.
2. Long time ago (about 6-12 months ago somebody registered my email on minecraft and called the user name "babe86" and I didn't know ho made, I freaked out, who is the boy that made it, and now I think who is the bitch that done it (read the continue below).
3. Because Mega Bitch, told me that she like this game and downloaded it, and I said "ew, why?" and she said that she doesn't know -I probably was the most popular than, and she needed a confirmation for what shes doing.
I'll let you guess who I think that made it by the discretion of the human being behind it.
The human is good at making false accounts.
Well, that's it, but you know who it is.
Yali, aka, Mega Birch.
Oh god I would like to ask her and make an exceptional reaction, but I shouldn't get into a one feet radios around her, I might kill her if I will.
I'm now hearing a band named Placebo, I like it.
I really think that Too Many Friends is true, it reminds me the social networks world, in the huge unnecessary web people creating, accept people that they doesn't know, or just met and doesn't know good enough to call them a "friend:.
When you have above 300 friends on Facebook, I will call you fake, and the better for you that you won't wonder why.
Have you ever heard "children rock"?
Like on TV shows of kids?
I think my favorites are on Timmy Turner, when Kiss was there (wishology), and on the episode called "Timmy Triangle".
And "How Bad Can I Be" in The Lorax.
Well, that was pointless.
I fucking hate girls.
Seriously, they won't shut up, they can't laugh along, and they are full of shit, and they complain a lot.
And getting pissed off whenever someone is doing something racist against females.
For the past 30 minutes I watched Onision things, after Dog Thought, some the funny photo things, and now I'm in the "Sexiest Pictures Ever", and guys, now I know, I am not the only human being that gets easily confused with genders.
Andy (I find it necessary to say that whenever I read his family name I automatically read it ballsack, and that's the main reason why his name is so easy, because it's insulting.), and even this guy, with the funny videos, is officially a member in the club of "human beings that gets easily confused when people wearing clothes for both genders and hair that's longer than I usually make in the sims 3, than you, and fuck my twisted mind.
Well, since I'm spending the last four days I'm glued to the computer, and then only time I'm without Wi-Fi is on my 6-8 hour sleep.
I shall harm myself mentally by watching people that skinnier than me call themselves fat!
I need to get a therapist that will cure m masochism, and my weird need to fix the past where I broke innocent plastic and rubber in a form that named by many girls "the perfection idol", I'm black (got used to this untrue nickname since preschool), and have black curly hair, and brown-black eyes, and have fucking issues with barbie and ken, they should go to live happily ever after, and the other girls who didn't destroyed in creepy slaughter their dolls, will wait for the dream to come true, and I'll fucking live my life, celebrating the off-army thing, and getting drunk at the nights and work in crappy job with people who slowly became my friends.
So, may I go to Google images and my research will start!
Oh.
God.
No.
Why?
He's..
Um..
No.
He is wearing pink!
WHY?
I think we should burn pink!
Make it illegal!
I like that girl.
She have the kawaai anime face!
But she's wearing PINK!
She may be drowned! IN A POOL OF CHEESECAKES!
FUCK YEAH.
I love it!
Why is it on fat?
It's epic!
Since Google really shows fat people (they scare me!) and they won't show Honey Boo Boo (I think we are sisters, our name is so close!)
Instagram will probably be the answer.
Oh, god, I think I'm about to cry.
This girl (I assume that only estrogen make your life suck and go all suicidal, because it did work on me, and with Testosterone you won't understand the female bullshit), @worthlesstreasure
Okay a life without this things she wrote, doesn't exist, why? because if it would, you would be bored, if you ever saw American Dragon with the foreseeing twins, you saw that the depressed girl sees all the good things so everything is normal and boring, and the girl who sees all the bad is so bubbly and happy and pink, because she knows how lucky she is that she's still alive.
Make sure you see the priority of the balance.
The Kill me now, it's true about me too.
And no, you won't wait for your last breath, you'll wait for the moment when you'll be far away from the current shit your in.
I'm sick of it.
GOD!
THERE'S A FUCKING HUGE SMILING UNICORN IN MY PHONE!
I love unicorns!
They can stab you when you are hugging!
It's such a useful weapon!
Okay, only I find it creepy when people would like to date people with scars?
I wouldn't, you know how much is it hard for me to see people that I don't know harming themselves, so Imagine me with my friends, and worse, my sister or my brother (I don't give a shit to my parents), so the one that I'll be sure I'd love forever?!
WHAT THE HELL.
I know it's not related to everything I just wrote in this post, but my hair looks really good today.
I hope that tomorrow will have the chance to look at it.
My dad drink some cherry alcohol, or cherry beer, and it reminds me period blood with ice-cubes.
It's really disturbing.
I went to shower.
I need to find new music.
And shower will give me a little quite time when my brother hears Boom Boom Pow (I mean it, how they can call every 3 minutes length of beats and things alike a song?!).
Mangoes are one of my favorite summer fruits, like watermelon, and some kind of grapes that is black and hard and sweet.
And my brother finally switched to a decent music, Spongebob songs!
I love Spongebob, he and Patrick, for the record they liked mustache before it was cool.
And they have the best songs, like from the first Christmas episode, and the movie (Patrick+fishnet+heels=the only person that can wear this clothing and actually look sexy).
My phone sparkles, for the last two days the house is sparkling, and so did my sister so I told her "Stop sparkling! What are you?A vampire?" because she sparkled like a fucking twilight movie.
And we all sparkle now.
At least it's fun, I would like to go outside sparkling and shit, and visit Forks this way, only then, I'll take a picture and officially commit my relation to the a huge vampire clan.
Why?
Because I fucking can.
Yay!
The fucking fucker-innocent-bitch is off to New York!
I'm glad that I won't have to deal with her in the next few weeks!
It's just me, Maya, the guys, and the beautiful 4 curved lines of Wi-Fi.
I want to make a movie meeting, with him, without the eye infection thing.
I want to see him,
Grapple the question of whether or not tell him if I missed him, and hope he felt well.
And try to get my sit next to his, and just enjoy it.
Because I'll be half blind from the depressing estrogen that will excite me.
Something I didn't felt long time ago.
Just imagined I did.
I remember, two weeks after The Hunger Games movie came out, one Friday, right after school, Gal and I went to the Cinema, to watch it, and we promised to each other, that we will see the next movie together.
I guess my promises are breakable with some.
When one side doesn't commit enough like the other, the relationship will be destroyed.
I've seen it happening before, and I know that my self harm take a part of it.
That's why I keep it as a secret, I know that people will change their thoughts about me, for the good and the bad, and I'll concentrate on the bad, because the good will disappear, I'll be devastated by the fact that everyone knows.
I have huge hands.
It's awesome.
I can smack people, and leave fucking signs on their skin (believe me, I have a history of making scars on people, once when I was four, me and my sister had a thing of biting people, like fucking crazy vampires, so once I bit my dad so deep that he had a scar the went into his skin, shaped as my teeth for something about 5 years).
And playing the guitar is easier.
And it's nice because when I need to write or use my fingers somehow I barely need to move my arm, my palms are big enough to cover my computer keyboard.
Hey, I really like dolls right now.
It's weird but I like the ones that is looking like forest creatures, like they just need wings and I'll be sure that they are fairies.
So, on Friday I'm going to a craft store, get some clay, and I'd take my fathers and sisters acrylic and alike (they like to actually paint but never does it, I just like the plain paper and pencil or the iPhone), and I already saw how to shape, I just hope it will look good.
I want it to have long hair (realistic one, hopefully), elfy ears, and big lips, it will be skinny as fuck, and have wings, not forgetting the classic forest outfit, the weird 3/4 sleeves shirt with the lace where is the chest is, and also 7/8 denim with boots that begin when the pants ends.
I just have too many hopes.
Since my friend is an awesome fanpic writer he writes a fanpic to The Hunger Games, and I might as well write some short story.
Like the book I used to read when I was younger, the little insane child, a girl who had a crush on some weird -but cute- guy and she hated the blond popular girl, and it was funny, it's a comedy in words.
I should continue Reached, be back soon!
God, this books is so slow.
I hate slow books, and I hate slow songs, and I hate slow dances (until I'll be 13 or 14 and than it will be "so romantic" bullshit).
I just hate slow things, I need to do things fast, because I have a lot to do, and less time to actually so it.
I once drew on my therapy session, a clock and two weird figures were on the hands of the clock, like they trying to make the time pass faster (this was my meaning) and she didn't understood it.
Oh, well, it's better of this way anyway.
I'm trying to draw the fanpic character for his book, just for my own pleasure.
I'd probably design soon the doll.
If you have ideas, you may comment (what am I thinking? you never do anyway, I think my brain is melting).
I will try to make it look like this cute doll that made me want to start it:
 |
| Isn't it adorable? |
Yes, I have many stories with certain bitch.
I passed the beginning of my actual life with her.
She killed me and I ca back as a zombie, until I slowly fixed myself and recorded the process.
And guys, the dead can get back to life.
Something that will always say something to me is the story about the fence and the nails.
It's a story that if you'd ask every kid from my class what's the meaning of the title, they'll know what it means.
It's a story, a kid who is a bully, has a chore to put another nail in the fence whenever he hurt someone, and he did, after a short time, the fence was built, and his father who assigned him to mission told him to take of the nails, told him that whenever he apologizes to his words to others, to take another nail off.
After a longer while, the father said that even when you take back what you made," and points on the nails, "there will be a mark, that will stay there forever", and since then the son never hurt anyone anymore.
Do you understand it?
That whenever somebody calls another ugly or fat, it does hurts, and after a while even when they apologize or not, the nail comes out, but there is still a hole, a scar, a wound that will stay forever.
And another thing, a lecture ordered from my parents, a man, an investigator, came and explained the 5th and the 6th graders about what cyber-bullying does, and he told us, that when somebody says something about another in a rude way, it's like stabbing, and he said also that the innocent Like button is like a knife, you can use it for good, for an example to cut a potato, but if you won't be careful you might cut your finger, and if you won't notice it, you might hurt other, as every like is a stab, so when ever you like something against someone it's like stabbing you.
He told us that one time, a boy went to him, the boy just pressed the like button, and he didn't understood what he did wrong, because after all the like button is nothing but few code lines on the world wide web system.
So the man asked the kid to stand on his chair, he pushed him slightly explaining that every like is like a push, the boy said that it's just a small push that won't harm anyone, and the man said "maybe it is, but it was only one push, what about 400 pushes", the boy that the whole story about, the one that everybody he knew liked the rude negative status about him, he's dead now, and just because of many pushes, many stabs.
Finally the boy on the chair fell, and he understood the meaning of the man standing in front of him, the one who pushed him weakly time after time after time.
And do you understand it?
The two bad things about the lecture is that the bitch wasn't at the day, and that so many people died from this reason.
The post is long and the date passed so I'm finishing.
Goodnight, and I hope you imagine me and everyone who is dead and never felt that they matter sings you a lullaby, promising that nothing bad will happen.
Because we have each other, we are like a tree, each one is a small berry, but we connected, if one falls, we all do, and if one grows we all too.
Berries, survivors,
I hope you'll make it.
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