How the fuck would I be able to write the first day post?!
It's terrible.
I'll have so much to say, and zero ways to do.
I can't write from the living room.
It's awful.
No privacy at all.
Look, today I played pokemon diamond, and I was upset because every two seconds my mother asked me to search something else for her (she could do it in her phone, but no, lets make me suffer), and I was pissed and did it (with some roar that automatically came), and she was so upset with my roaring, and she came to the computer chair, and like told me to fucking calm down (with angry voice, everyone in the world knows that probably the worst thing to do is to say to annoyed girl to calm down, and it's worse when she's on her period.) so she did after it something that really invaded my personal space (this tiny halo of mine that nobody shall ever pass without my permission), like some, get together with the hand, hair hand was about one centimeter from my face.
I hate her.
Just hate her.
And I remember once that nothing that I say about somebody including hate is just an emotion explosion, but please, emotions and I can't be in the same sentence together, I barely have any.
You all know my feelings, and you know exactly that I have the rights to use the word hate to describe my feelings, that are very accurate to the word.
You know what is the worst thing that happened to me in the last 24 hours?
I fell, into the same trap, with a different coverage.
I lied on a girl, but after all, this girl just disappeared, like always.
The amounts of time that I heard my playlist (that luckily I play less and less), I heard her so many times last night, I fucking added Fix You of Coldplay, it's that fucking awful.
So what happened last night? For a brief moment I took of the shields, and that's because I know that everyone is telling the truth on the night, we're all too tired to lie, and than the burning truth hit me.
Last night, I didn't posted, but I did wrote it on my notes:
Why, we all know that the burning truth is better than extinguishing lie, but sometimes neither of them is better, sometimes, silence is better.
Hearts won't get broken, bonds will stay tied in their knot.
Why you felt that you needed to say it?
Why are you like her?
Am I like Jude, picking the wrong people.
This is why I like math, as long as the numbers are away from socializing.
Why to number people?
Why to animalize them, it was enough when I felt like a beast, ungraceful, lost, out of this place. Why to number me?
Why are you so much like her?
You know it, I know it, everybody does.
How can you avoid a corpse in front of you? I'm here, right here, my spine is breaking, my heart is bleeding, my brain is melting, my soul is escaping.
And you, you are so like her.
And I, I still make the same choice I've did before.
When I said that guy friends are the people that will let you down, but you won't die from it, I meant it, too bad that I never listen to anybody, even myself...
Why have I decided to lay on the girls, so I thought that they're not the same, it's a lie that I'm sick of hearing.
I want to die.
I hate to lie on something, stick to it, and when it's gone I'm falling.
Anyone may think that after you fell few times, rising back is easier, it's wrong, because every fall is different, and it's never get easier, because you never fall the same way twice, just like that lightning never hit on the same spot twice.
What have I done?
I just want to sleep against body warmth.
Changing temperature, but same rhythm, pounding, a heartbeat.
It's probably the first time in this three months that I hear "fix you" because I feel like it.
It's awful, it's like dying in every possible way just in music.
I don't know what I want to do, I just want this heat of a body.
It's the thing I'm sure of.
Just someone that won't break.
Just someone that won't panic.
Just someone that will never let me fall.
Too bad, god makes legends fairly rare, and they get broken, just like many people.
And who knows if the one that I'm looking for, is thinking how to kill himself.
I don't want to cry, I'll try my best, but I'll fail.
At least I know that my poison book, will have the girl list completed.
I may trust nobody.
I fell in the same goddamn trap.
Oh fuck this iPhone app, they need to make auto-save because I wrote something very long.
Oh well.
Wait.. Really?
I'm not your doll darling.
I'm sick of my relationships with people, it's always a huge chain or tayls and taylos, or dollies and players, or drag and dragger, it's awful, but it's the world we're living in.
Why are you texting me, if you just told it, in front of all the people I like, that without them, I won't breath any longer.
I love sweet sixteen, like the bitches with slutty outfits, the boys with the ridiculous party (someone that was 24 decided to make his sweet sixteen when he's 24 on a pirate ship), like the EZE daughter, damn she should fucking shut up, I don't care from your bullshit, I care about how stupid you fucking are.
So before it I watched another episode, with a blonde girl, addicted to princesses and pink and barbies (shes a human like the kind of dolls I used to murder), and she had daddy issues, and it was awesome, he let her go all the way to France so she'll find her dream dress.
I loved her, she's like, an idol for many girls that likes pink and princesses.
And probably the best part is the thing that even the Saturdays (some unknown girl band, it's on E! Channel) did, they just bought paparazzi to follow them, and people just took their pictures and like was starstruck, though they don't know them.
So that's what they did with some Tyler or Taylor, a singer and a guitarist that nobody in there knew who he is, if you brought for example one direction to Israel, tons of females will go and their poor boyfriends, because they will pay and get sore from putting his fucking girlfriend on his shoulder so she'll get better view on them, if you brought Panic! At The Disco, well, just, good luck with that.
Oh boy, this guy, and his disaster date girl, Harry Potter addict, hyperactive, and cliché girl.
He wants to die, aww.
He plays middle eastern? Why? It's awful, it's just make girls slutty, ugly, and bitchy, believe me, all the time in Israel, it's the fucking Middle East, my ears are burning when I hear it, do Spanish music, I'll be impressed, when I bought my guitar, the seller tested it and played something so quick and so beautiful, my eyes were open wide and like "how?" So it's what I wanted to learn, I did something alike, more starter thing, it's my second year so it's pretty good for me.
Jersey shore is there?
I love deena, pauly is evil.
I can't believe its the second time it's happenning, I wrote so much.
So suicidal, and it's happening again.
I wrote that sometimes I just want to be normal, to wear leggings, like every other girl.
I started on springpad a notebook named "skinny project", it'll record my body change.
For now it's big, I want it smaller, enough for leggings.
I'm taking a photo of myself every two weeks for a year, wearing panties and a shirt, and shoot my stomach and hips, I hope I'll look better by the end of the year, after surfing, running, jumping, everything.
You know what I want to fit in (my goal)?
To wear that tight cami, and leggings, and feel good about it.
I hope that this year will be good for me.
You know what's bad and good that I see now?
The good,
I have nobody that understands me, that I can see everyday.
And the bad,
I have nobody that understands me, that I can see everyday.
The funny thing, that around the world there are so many, in the country so many, in the city so many, but they all like me, hiding it.
The first one that knew about my self harm is a rich boy, the guys that dumped one of my friends over a text (from the first field trip), he asked me it, I blushed (the first time I was blushing in my whole life), and I denied it, and after he left I deleted all the photos, the less evidences, the better.
But as you see, every lie and secret will be discovered.
I like this song better right now, Boulevard Of Broken Dreams, Green Day, I remember the first time I've heard it, on my guitar lesson, about a year and a half ago, one of the first songs I've heard, it's easy to play with the guitar, it's one of the things that every beginner learns, songs with 3-6 simple chords and simple strumming, and the first of the firsts, Smoke On The Water.
I remember tons of songs.
It's a skill you develop when you hear every single genre.
I remember the first time I've heard Nirvana, which is probably one of the lamest ways, on Split, the vampiric show, and he was like deadly in love (it could look like he's drunk), and Where Did You Sleep Last Night played in the background.
I guess that when I hear music that I actually like, is coming from the stupidest things, iPhone app for My Chemical Romance, an article for Black Veil Brides, Plain White Tee's from a YouTube guide, and the same for Pierce The Veil, and also Evanescence, and Linkin Park too, Sleeping With Sirens and Alesana from people on Instagram.
Thirteen days, were going closer to the date.
In three (or four, it depends) I'm going to surf, I wonder if the guys from last year will be there, and if not, oh well, different can be good.
Only in surfing it can be, because sports are better, everyone is happier, and friendly, there I'm happy.
I use my power and hatred for good.
I wonder what kind of people I'll meet there, what ages, what places, it's always interesting.
Last year I've got inspired to get cartilage (and I got one) from fourteen year old girl, I've became friends with seven year old girl, and had a crush on thirteen year old boy.
With my guess by my luck, they won't be there.
Oh well.
I love YouTube, it's impossible to hate it, like its Facebook, just easier.
I don't mind the music and videos most of time, because every comment, their grammar sucks (it's a video too) and the fights, once I saw one on facebook, I actually took popcorn, it was about 150+ comments, ridiculously stupid.
Two of the five people the fought used to be the queen bee of the fifth graders in our area, she lost to the boy that I despise, the ouch-I'm-a-liar-but-whatever-I'm-too-popular-to-care kind of guy.
Oh well, I'm not the girl that will get heartbroken from the filthy over sensitive boy (he's like a pussy, he was scared that somebody touched his coat, 300₪ from some expensive stupid brand), that is probably a male slut.
He was the first guy that I've ever heard talking worried about his calories.
I like any child better when he's relaxed, even if he's under affect if drug, or alcohol, or smoking, injecting, or almost everything else (I have limits darling), just be quite, relexad, honest, modest.
You know, not far from bbbff's house, there's a huge place, people trying to build there an apartment, but it's going nowhere, for now, every year the bonfire parties of Lag Ba'Omer, are there, and it's the perfect place to build a tree house, I want to go there, I'd ask bbbff (she have some good things in her evilness) to help me build it, and I'd bring there things, well get a blanket, and lanterns, and some pillows, she is it once in the area above her shelter, I can ask her to make one with me.
We can try.
At least it.
I think she have a rebellious material, she's in strict place with her parents, I can drag her a little, and her natural self will do the rest, after all, she's not the normal girl, she just need the push, from going insane in funny childish way, to going insane like me.
It's terribly sad and incredibly good that nobody is like me.
Maybe I can make a monster, I am one.
Lets hope I'll go good.
No comments:
Post a Comment