I'm the girl.

I'm the girl. 

I'm the girl I've searched for. 

I'm the girl that I couldn't identify. 

I'm the girl that I thought she was so like me. 

Do you remember the other girl that cut herself? That I tried to figure out who she is? That she posted it on Instagram? And now her parents know? And when I tried to search for it, I assumed she deleted it, I said that its what I would do. 

Oh fuck.

It's all make sense!

How I got it now?

I'm so goddamn stupid!

It's the same boy that snitched, I still don't get why he cares about it so much, we kind of borned frienemeies, we always had this weird rival thing (like on pokemon gameboy games), and it's the same network that he got it through. 

Now I know why my mother got this call from my teacher, early in the morning. 

Why we were the only ones that got the call. 

Wow, when I thought I was incredibly stupid, I had the abilit to surprise myself, and meet my much-more-stupid me.  

Oh isn't it just perfect way to end my skinny day, hating myself to bones?

Seriously, again, how could I be so stupid, I'm always getting much late to someone, and by then, I can't reach them, and the worst, I know it's my fault. 

Young boy, exactly when I thought something could happen, great, you'll answer MB every single day, but when I text you, nothing, it's like talking to a wall, at least wall is echoing, you're, mister boy, aren't there. 

And it's not the first time, with my bestie in denial, I fought with her, of nothing, I just went evil, so evil, like, a beast that got off her chains in the first second. 

Wild. 

I guess next year, I'll just be alone, I still have few friends, but barely true. 

I just want that bbbff will agree to be my friend again, I'm like her Ms. Kooka, as awful I am, she doesn't mind. 

She don't deserve me. 

She deserves better. 

Way better. 

So, I'm so glad that you poisoned my friend (ironic, the same technique of yours it's the name of my technological shelter), and I don't know, if she'd go back to herself, that girl that I knew, not your victim, because if she won't, congratulatins, you just killed me, for the third time. 

So, skinny day. 

I ate a little today. 

The biggest is a half slice of pizza, which is homemade, so it was tiny, healthy, and it tasted better. 

For morning medium mango. 

Two apples, few almonds, and tons of water for the time in between. 

And this pizza for dinner. 

Guys, I won't wait for school, I'm starting slowly here, there it'll be like piece of cake (it's weird to use it here), I'll get my dreamy thigh gap in no time. 

And flat stomach. 

So, I also excresises today, I don't count at all the tennis ball I threw for an arm workout. 

But I did the digital clock workout, it's really easy, I done 160+ knee highs, and 140+ wall push ups. 

I felt healthier, and more awake. 

I just can't wait to wear my dream pants, leggings. 

Simple black tight pants can change a girl, and I wish I can get them. 

You know, I can see exactly how my process goes without wearing for five minutes leggings and then taking them off, thanks to the surfing suit, I don't need anything. 

I remember that in the end of the fifth grade I promised myself that I'll work out enough so by the seventh grade I'll be able to wear leggings. 

Now shit gets real. 

You know what's my favorite holiday, that doesn't give you any extra weight from the traditional weight?

Yom Kipur, it's a day of fasting, you just don't eat anything. 

You start it with big meal, and finish it with small so your stomach won't hurt. 

I want to do it almost daily. 

Like only at dinner I'll eat (and from time to time I'll say that I ate somewhere else) and the rest, something that is giving energy, but like not above 100 calories, it's a dream. 

You know what's weird, she hurts me on purpose, showing off everything. 

I only want to say:

"You don't have to hurt me, I do it quite good myself."

Dark humor, is terrible sometimes, and sometimes funny, I just crossed the line. 

But come on dear, you hurt me, you know that I did it to myself, I don't need help. 

You know what I think that will happen?

She grow anorexic or bulimic, she obsessed with her weigh. 

She thinks she's fat, which she's not, making girls like me, G, and Ms. Kooka, get depressed, and obsessed too. 

I hope she will (sorry if its hurting you in any way), I hope I'll go there in front of her, skinny as fuck (that I won't give), smiling next to a boy she likes. 

This is my skinny evil girl plan. 

I don't know what will happen. 

I'm

Just a human. 

I want to shower. 

Now I'm just a human that's going to get a shower. 

Now I'm just an unhappy human that's got out of the shower. 

My belly screams hungry, my mouth begging me, my mind ignoring it all. 

I know that it's not the best idea, but it's working. 

I tried to drink some soy milk, I couldn't stand one sip, I threw it, and it's weird, since I was five I got used to it as my normal milk. 

I replaced it with water and ice cubes. 

By the way ice cubes and water, earlier I read that hot water fills you up, so I poured about 280 ml hot water, an added two ice cubes so it won't be boiling hot, and I actually got filled up, two of this 0 calorie magic, and bam, not hungry. 

I don't want to eat anymore today. 

Just water. 

Water, sweet good water. 

The only left thing to do is the lazy excresise, because I can do it in bed, and to find my remote. 

I love this "I'm going to get skinny" feeling. 

It's probably just the excitement of day one. 

I want to go to visit one of my "friends", just get away from this food zone, and I won't have to eat. 

It's perfect. 

I'll go to them with the skateboard, which is both burning and it's a good practice. 

I'll probably eat nothing. 

I'll be able to say that I've ate in home to my friends, and that I've ate at my friends house to my home. 

I just don't want to be the fat girl. 

I just want to dress like everybody else. 

I just need someone to care for. 

I want that I'll breath, air in, air out, true friends keep, fake throw. 

I'll guess I'll find a way to survive. 

And to think that I was sure that I stated to find my place a week ago. 

In this fishtank were in, I need to find my fishy friend. 

Why am I fooled by those blood eating fishes, disguising to be perfect like blue rose. 

Damn, I guess I'll have hard time about at the first month. 

So, at least twelve more days for school, three or surfing, thirteen for laptop, and minus 1 for diet. 

I want just to get friends, real friends, not actors (though one of my real friend is always the best in drama, and I know that he'll become famous one day, or just perform in broadway.

I want to live. 

At least feel like it for long time. 

The only one that made me feel this way, doesn't exist anymore, she changed so badly, that I don't know her at all. 

I hate it, I suppose that relationships from any kind, it's just not my type. 

I want to be happy when I'm taking a shower. 

I want to be proud when I wear something tight/cut/exposing. 

I want to be joyful when I wear bikini. 

I want to feel alright when I try something in the store. 

Because the over two years, I didn't felt this way. 

You know, today a marijuana field that's probably worth half million dollars, got burnt. 

They said that the bushes was human tall. 

Oh well. 

But it's good, it happened close to my area and the north. 

Darling, I might smoke it one day. 

You know what's funny about the magazine I like to read?

They wrote most of time the shit I don't care about. 

But when they do, they make it a lot. 

Just today I've read an article, interview with someone I know, and admire, with a detective, known as, the man that gave us lecture that day about cyber bullying, the day that MB wasn't in school. 

I was happy. 

And somehow, I've read the music page (it's really small but it's good), they said something about nirvana, making their album again (!), and as they do a lot lately, talking about the some vocalist (cough, cough) from a band that recently finished their career together (cough, cough), when I was in New York (COUGH, COUGH), I have no idea why, but about a new song that named millennium or titanium, I don't remember, so I will hear it when I'll try new songs when I'll get hungry. 

So, by the way new songs, Panic! At The Disco made new song (oh my fucking lordi -I won't stop until I'll see them in reality- the playlist started playin them when I finished writing the name), it's called This Is Gospel, and I heard it two days ago, without knowing that its new. 

I like it. 

I like them. 

*RANDOM GIR COMING* "I like waffles!"

So yesterday I watched avatar (ill do it everyday for the rest of my life), and it was the episode where Azula lied (like always), and said that their father wants that Zuko will come back, and than Iroh and Zuko is cutting their hair so it'll be harder to recognize them (come on, like the huge scar on Zuko's eye won't tell everybody that he's the prince), I have to say, that long hair on boys don't work for most of humans on earth. 

So when you watch Korra and you see the picture when they grow old, I liked Sokka the best, and Toph, Sokka had short pointy ponytail with a pointy beard, and Toph looked almost the same. 

But for gods sake, the tradition of the fire nation of perfect bun that holds the crown, and long staright hair behind it with terrible beard, is ugly, it always was, ridiculously stupid, the only one that made it right is Iroh, but it's because he drinks tea, and most of people that drink tea are adorable, I can proof it, just google British people, you'll understand me. 

I'm going to search for my damn remote 

 Can't find it, I give up. 

I want a snack. 

Fuck. 

Snack is bad. 

I just drink something, I'm thirsty anyways. 

I want to be like the beautiful people.

If you ever saw two boys from ridgefield talking about London and "the beautiful people" named Simon and Kyle, but Kyle demand to be called Kylie, you have good media taste. 

I love them. 

It's impossible to hate them. 

They are the people behind the word "FABOLOUS". 

It's getting late, so I'll focus on doing nothing. 

Nothing is good. 

Hate is good. 

Rage is good. 

Skinny is good. 

Goodnight. 

Berries, Survivors,

I hope you'll make it.