Fifth

Lately, I've noticed that I post after the hour 12pm (noon), I get more upset then, and it's probably because the only reason, my mother. 

Now, she's still in her settled mind of the "My kids must seem happy, and perfect, quite, and obeying every order, it doesn't matter if they're suffering, sacrifices on mental health are acceptable".

And guess what, when the mental health injuries are leaking, the outside seems exactly like the inside, broken. 

I replay those days, 8th and 9th on mars. 

Oh, I remember, I attempted to cut my relationship with a bully, I failed, and told her my secret (it's a girl thing, eventually they'll spit out every single lie or secret), her mother checks her Facebook page, and I remember, at night, we watched a comedy show, the whole family. 

Then, the phone rang, I had a feeling that it was the bully's mother, and my survival instincts are very good, so, it was her. 

Through the comfortably placed mirror, I've been able to see that my mother is sitting on the dinining chairs, blank face. 

Then, I understood what I am, dead man. 

After a while she came back, didn't laugh from the jokes, just blank. 

After five minutes I lied, and went to "sleep", I didn't want to confront them. 

I wasn't ready, because after all, how can you be ready for it?

I went to the kitchen, to check my mothers phone, to make sure I was right, and the sad truth, I was. 

At the morning I woke up early, I slept bad, it was the nightmare of reality, nothing is more scary than it. 

And on the morning, I cried, my father spoke to me first. 

After 2 hours my mother came , talking to me.

In that day, I wasn't alowed to stay in my room, and for about a month, I was forced to tell my mother what happened each day, and play cards with her. 

I've got my body searched, for any other cuts. 

And once in a while, I'm asked to show my wrists. 

You probably don't know how it's like, everybody's experiment is different. 

I just want to feel something again, because I'm turning to be a wall. 

Numb, blank wall.  

You can talk to it, you can hear it, it can hear you, it won't talk, never. 

In two days school starting, I'm glad to be away from this monster I call "mother".

To stay with people I don't like, but at least sketching. 

It's something after all. 

Today I bought two school shirts (I can't stand being a panda), one some green that I don't know how to describe, and dark midnight blue, it's on the edge of black-grey. 

I hate that my mother is forcing me to buy this size, large, I fit extra small, but no, lets make the girl with self esteem problems. 

You know, I can wear extra small sized leggings in extra small sized shirts, I fit them, I'd look good in them, but I'm not allowed to, why? 

I don't know. 

But sometimes I just want to look like a normal girl, for once. 

You know how it's like to feel fat, or stupid, or just unwanted, that's probably why you're here. 

You know, I always was like that. 

Changing. 

I understood now, that I used to bully with my friends, on some guy. 

I still hate him, he done disgusting things. 

But bullying is bullying. 

There are no discounts, if you made somebody feel bad because of himself, you've bullied. 

I won't fit heaven, and I won't fit hell neither, I'm a human, I fit to earth. 

I like Fun. 

I enjoy much more from the twats that don't (and never will) understand the lyrics. 

It's terrible for me, of course, but it doesn't matter. 

There are 7 billion (+) stupid people in the world, they are just a few of them. 

I don't know how I've ended this way. 

Who owns the blame?

How have I got to the situation that I'm writing to people that I don't know and consider them my real best friends, and being depressed or upset with every little thing. 

I just hate all of the people who have bipolar amnesia. 

I don't believe that it actually exist in the medical world. 

But for me bipolar amnesia it's a common disease, making people change they're behavior or some people in matter or seconds, like what they've done never happened. 

Most of my friends in denial having this disease. 

It's contagious, probably more then the Plague on Reached, almost everybody have/had it. 

I had it, then I had some therapy in shocks, I got so overwhelmed by all of the things that happened behind my back, that I got cured instantly. 

Again mother?

Haven't I suffered enough?

Okay, right now we went (the whole family) to buy shoes, and a present. 

So when we were at the toy store, when I walked up the stairs, my mother started to spank (not violently, but enough to piss me off) my butt, I said stop, and she kept doing it, I said stop about ten times and she kept doing it, I screamed her to stop an then she told me that I'm embarrassing her.

Then when we got to the bakery (I really wanted cookies), she told me to only buy one kind, that would be fine, but when your sister bought junk that costed 50 NIS, and so does my brother, I think I deserve two kinds of cookies. 

Then, when we got to the building, on the elevator, she held her finger, pointed, aiming to my stomach, I said again stop, and the same situation like on the store happened. 

Seriously?

Again?

Right now she got crazy, she's yelling on me because I won't put my shoes (that they've brought) back to their place. 

And when I walked toward the balcony to put them in the place, starting to growl silently, I understood what I wanted to do, express pain. 

But on who but myself?

I know that if I'd hurt others, it'll be terrible, I won't be able to live with myself. 

And guess who I will. 

Myself. 

I surrender, I decided to go on my bed, the most dangerous equipment around here is plush dolls, pencils. 

Oh, there's a ruler and pencil sharpener. 

If I could only pretend that I don't know how to break the sharpener, or cut pretty much everything with a ruler. 

It's amusing, last year, a nice nerd (I really think he's nice, he's also smart and interesting), taught me how to cut shapes in paper with a ruler when you don't have scissors, what a shame, I found a bad usenet for it. 

Knowledge on the wrong hands can become a dangerous weapon. 

Again?

What is it? The fifth time this hour?!

Again, I find myself on the bed, trying to get as far as possible from scissors, razors, knives. 

Why can I feel it, I'm supposed to feel pain, heart break, none of them I feel. 

What's wrong with me?

Why can't I feel?

I'm tempted, I really want it, that bad.

To feel what I'm supposed to feel. 

It's not even that I born heartless, they've just stopped coming. 

Pretending that I never had them. 

I don't know why music clams me, maybe the sounds of instruments, maybe the voice. 

I like Escondido, a band of two, man and woman, I like them, I wish they've came to Israel. 

But nobody does. 

It's probably the best thing about them, so hard to reach, like a diamond. 

You know, sometimes I just wish I could cut my ears, at least it'd look like I'm crying. 

Today I bought few things. 

Sport shoes, I think of asics or something. 

Midnight and green school shirt. 

Black hoodie (it doesn't feel like my old one, maybe it's because that the new one don't have blood inside of it).

12 pencils (the H's, F, HB's, and the B's).

Sketch book (I really like it, it's red, and on the front it says "zap book"). 

Charcoal sticks (hard, medium, soft).

I'd like to set myself on fire. 

But you know what they say, You can't always get what you want. 

I wonder, how much the first day will be hard. 

Gym on the first day. 

I'm so not ready. 

But if I want to feel beauty, I must make an effort. 

Fuck, I'm starting to get the side affects of school panic, starting to have bipolar mid-amnesia, I remember, but change. 

 Oh well, I have tons of movies to watch, and avatar episodes, so I'm happy. 

I also have some time for learning to know what to do with art materials. 

Zuko's got daddy issues, mommy issues, sister issues, trust issues, commitment issues, and pretty much every other issue on the world. 

Did you know that I hate most of men that wear tank tops?

It's not looking good on many people. 

And also V neck shirts, also the same story. 

Well, I'm taking a break from writing, probably to organize things and learn. 

You know, I'd be fine if some of my friends will hate me, sad if everybody that I love will, devastated if all the people I trust will, and I'll be fine (even happy) if the whole area will. 

But when I feel that my mother sees me as a toy.

I'm full of hate. 

And when my dad doesn't care about me as he used before (its a huge change). 

I'm just in the edge of a cliff, waiting to the breeze to grow stronger, and push me to my death. 

Oh, I just want to die. 

At least give a final use to our balcony, as a place to die in. 

You know, when I took a break, I found a piece from my broken mirror. 

Yes, a sharp piece of metal covered in glass. 

You can only imagine my temption. 

You know, I don't think it's too much to ask for only activating the Wii, so I could play Sonic, or the Nickeolodoen game, or whatever that we have, when you got this gaming system, for your seventh birthday. 

How does it make sense that my siblings will get whatever they want whenever they want, and I'll barely goth one of those two luxurys, time and options. 

I just want to die, fast, peacefully. 

Maybe in ironic way. 

Poison. 

You know, I've never wanted to go to such a place named "suffering" if it was up to me, I'd be wherever there's people that actually put clothes on their body, and actually don't mind to sweat and get injured, and you can get into pictures, and live the moment of the picture. 

I really like using those new pencils. 

I really like the mouth I made. 

I'd might upload it on one of the blogs. 

I'd probably go to my bed, learn some, watch some, sleep some. 

And just one last thing,

Have you seen the parodies of Barely Political, I ran to it, after about two months I didn't see a thing they've made,  and the parody for Miley's new song "We Can't Stop", and the episode they made about the Dalek (I love the man that added the doctor who to their idea list). 

But how did I get there?

It was in the suggestion box of an awesome video, Justin Bieber Baby Circus Afro, search for it, it's awesome remix of about 1:50 and if you loved Madagascar 3, and it doesn't matter if you dis/like Justin, it's awesome. 

I'd probably watch Madagascar 3 again.  

Good night, I hope that in the night one of the devil's sons will come, he will sing so high and loud, that the glass will break, and you'll grow an Afro instantly (I love Little Nicky, it's one of my favorites).

Berries, Survivors,

 I hope you'll make it.