First day of school shortness

You know what, I feel that something weird is happening, I can't actually tell you it as a fact, but I feel that something bad is about to happen, it's like the silence before the storm, and sweetheart, at the moon it's louder. 

You know, I have found another sign, and for a change, it's from the music world, it's more like an artist that I know that when I hear her on the radio, things won't go as excepted, but still come out good. 

It's Amy Winehouse. 

When I finally found a bus that goes near my school (it's weird to call it that way), the radio played the exact song that tells it. 

Rehab, two years ago (5th grade) we had this graduation party, so we had to make a dance (disgusting), and the song we picked is rehab (don't ask me why, I don't know, it's kind of depressing, rebellious, and pretty much few years from our age, drugs), and when we danced it, we understood we got confused in the middle (sarcastic shocked gasp) but it still came out good. 

This song pretty much charged my hope level to its full. 

So the day started, an I got a little late (with my luck, of course I came late!) so I found myself sitting with a girl I used to know, when I was about 3 or 4, well she was my best friend back there, I wonder if we'll become friends again. 

I had my first sports one and a half hour lesson, we had time for a warm up and talking. 

We had 10 rinks, 5 walking, 5 running, like, running, walking, running, walking, and again. 

It was under the boiling sun, but we burned some, and we got the best news ever and after five minutes I discovered that they can be also the worst. 

We must wear black leggings for gym. 

We have about 5 times gym (not including afternoon practicing).

I'll wear all the time leggings. 

Of course, thank to god, and luck, I got my desired wish, but in with a terrible thing with it. 

If I'm planning to lose weight (and I sure am) it will be more visible, oh well, I'll figure it out later. 

So, today, hmm...

I discovered that soon the school's band will need to new members, and guess what? I don't want to go there. 

I saw the drums on the stage, after he started playing all I wanted to say "what a waste" same with the electric, bass and the acoustic guitar, you can make much better from boring half sad half happy Hebrew songs (I don't know if I should cry or laugh, or craugh).

Same with the piano, I like pianos, I like people that get piano dropped on them, I like many piano included things. 

Actually, my favorite music (or song, I don't know how to call it) is Fur Elise. 

It's probably the prettiest sounds you've ever heard. 

I have those turning dolls with the music box, so I took it out from the box, and now I have a dancing Cinderella to its metallic sounds (it's really nice to hear the sharp edges brushing the metal sticks, it came weird).

So, we started to learn about math (boredom on its way), and we got to know wht geography would be about (more about cultures, religious habitats and holidays, about places around the world, I admire china when it comes to it, and India with their weird weddings, and probably my favorite in the strange places of Africa, it's interesting).

And we met our Arabic teacher (the French guy and girl didn't come), she seems nice, I can't wait to learn, I'm amazed (for bad) that we even get a choice, how does it fair that the Arabs/Muslims must learn Hebrew, but we don't must Arabic?

It's a shame. 

Boo you "exotic" (yeah right, French is exotic when Israeli will be polite) lovers. 

So I've got 4 new black leggings (we must wear black, I assume that my outfits will look very dark and sad, oh well...) and it's annoying, why? My mom picked on purpose size 2 (I'm usually 00 or 0), and why? To make me feel fat? To make me hate myself? Because by now, I do, I really do. 

Isn't it just great.

So today, I lost my cartilage, in the bathtub. 

I need tomorrow to go to the store and ask them to help me insert the old one. 

And today, I finally done what I planned to do long ago, but I just didn't know how. 

Messenger bag!

Well, it's not pretty like the ones you buy. 

It's from blue fabric (our school shirt fabric), it used to be royal blue, but it's old, so it lost its shine, and the deepens of it. 

And the strap it's actually an old brown belt, it's not the perfect material, but it's working. 

I also made a pocket, for change, and my bus card. 

I think I've done good enough for 16 sized old blue shirt, a white zipper, and old belt, all connected with sewing thread, a needle, and my two hands that got stabbed over and over thanks to my clumsy hands. 

By the way stabbed and hands. 

Few days ago, with the mirror, I tried, I'm sorry, but I tried, and today, when I just checked my wrists (sometimes from borderom, my habit wakens, and I just look at my wrists, another weirdabillity I own), and I saw the most scary thing ever, red marks, tiny scratch, and inside of my skin an flesh, unmarked trails. 

It was terrifying. 

You have no idea, a small panic attack. 

I got so scared "what if people will notice?" "What my parents will do to me?" "What my 'therapist ' will do to me?!".

I'm glad that now the rainbow of doom calmed down.

But I still feel my heart races when I look at that. 

You know, I got a hoodie. 

Yeah, I still can't believe I lost the old one, I just passed so much with it, from the beginning of the bullying, through self harm, and I lost it on the academy days. 

This hoodie carried a lot of weight. 

Damn, no wonder why it went away. 

Well, it's a noob's mistake to be my hoodie. 

If you born a hoodie, don't born black. 

Probably that most racist thing I said today. 

I bought few energy drinks today. 

Actually three, but I also keep gum with me. 

Food in school are for weaks. 

If I'll manage to stop eating sugars and fats (from unhealthy sources), and not eating in school (unless it's a negative calorie), I'd be beautiful like that (snapping fingers). 

I got the most awesome gym teachers. 

I can talk tons about them, but have you heard the Russian system?

Exactly, Russian gym teachers that won't give up. 

The punishment of fainting there, is to run another 10 rinks afternoon. 

So if I'll faint, I can say I didn't run good, or something, and even get more skinny. 

Do you understand how awesome is that?

An they are funny. 

It's like a bonus. 

I will never stop loving Russians, am I?

Have you saw the horror (that's now more a comedy) movie, 2012, for the whole plane situation I was like "go Sasha! Go Sasha! Go Sasha! Sashimi!" For about 30 minutes.  

It's weird, but it was worth it. 

So, I bought another Zap Book, I have one for home, and one for school, they look almost exactly the same, the home one have two charms on it (I added them), and it also have some drawing in the inside. 

The school is empty, but it'll get full as soon as possible. 

So, I'm going to depress myself a bit (all I need is to go to some websites, some apps, and damn, bummer girl).

Lie to myself, then I'll confront myself accusing lying. 

Post about it. 

Yeah,

My personality is strange, each one of them are. 

So I'm going to do what I said, then go to sleep and wake up early, so I'll get my room organized, get my eating back, and get to the bus. 

Berries, Survivors,

I hope you'll make it.