Force

Remind me, why am I doing it to myself.
I promised myself that I won't get in this mess again, so I'm doing the worst and somehow best way to do exactly what I'm against.
I'm so stupid, a fool.
Just take of my head, I guess that if I like to hurt myself, it probably be the biggest last pain I'll feel.
Shoot me, at least you could feel relaxed, all the anger in a small metal piece.

I hope you understand what I'm in (though it's confusing).
Today I woke up, in some fetus with reaching hand position, and first thing on the morning singing in my tiny deadly head, Don't You Ever Forget About Me, why?
Seriously, it feels like I'm forcing myself to fall in love with a guy I can never be with, it was bad enough when I was against everything, but now, even my logical side of my mind? I guess it's the harmful part in me, keep trying to kill me.
I guess I have some shadow in me, that fucking hates me, it does make sense, I was three different girls in the past three years, and they all different from each other, girly, tomboy and whatever I am now (psycho maybe?), they all hate each other, well, they've got room in this body, they need to learn how to get along in this host.

Can I even get where is he?
He haven't checked his phone about 4-5 days, I swear his not a teen, he's a fucking old man in disguise, because name me one teen with cool cellphone that won't hold it when it have battery.
Just name one.
It's impossible.
I'm becoming suspicious, it doesn't make sense.

Oh well, I guess that I'll have to shut up for a while.


Why am I doing it to myself, I know I can't in the logical and illogical self, I know exactly what I should do, so why won't I, I'm forcing myself to love.
I told to all my friends that I don't want a boyfriend, and you not in love all the time, there are breaks.
So, what's happening?



I'll try to get to my self again, so I'll post like a human.

Pets.
I want a fucking animal, I don't have any, the rest of the world have one, I swear, it's weird, I'm dying to get one, and not something that makes trouble, something small but that can understand, like Egyptian cat, it's hairless, or like Ron from Kim possible, why won't I, or experiment from space with six limbs that is blue, or a dog I found in the dumpster (Like happy from Mighty Bee).


My hair is weird, like puffy all over, people on the late 80's worked about hours to get it like I do when I just open it, or brush it when it's dry.
I like this braid I've done now, it's like double cross, do you know those braids that goes from the left side of the head and than from behind the head keep braiding and on the right side you finish it? So I made two, one from left two right (left bangs right ending) and over it, I've done right to left (right bangs left ending), it's looking good, but it'll look better if my hair was straight.
Oh well, I just took it off, didn't felt like it.
Guys, I'm making braids everyday, it's probably become some trademark next year.

I'm a little afraid, next year.
I'll have to stand them for 3 long years.
I just don't know.
Another thing I'm sure of, I'd always stand out, all the girls with tight ass leggings, and me with trainings that's going slimmer on the ankle, all the girls tucking their shirt to their fucking leggings, and me out and far from in, all the girls will say that it's the perfect time for make up, and me wearing clear mascara to curl a bit my straight lashes that is much longer, all the girls with totes, and me with back pack, waiting for getting a messenger.


No this is Patrick.
Oh this blog comments on http://lifeofastrangerwhostolemyphone.tumblr.com/ it's epic, like there was tons of I'm Hafid's or I'm Batman and I'm Ironman, and No, this is Patrick.
I guess that the best one is when someone wrote "I'm Spartacus" and somebody replied "No I am, Batman" and then someone wrote in reply "Granny. Is that you?"
You have fine humor, because it's can be, it's like the bionic heroes they made fun of on Back at the Barnyard.


Hey, I want to see a good movie, I don't find it hard to make something on "Knowing" with Nicholas Cage style, or like Push, that's one of my favorites.

Actually I'm going to watch it right now.

Oh, and for a brief moment I thought you actually changed.
How could I be that stupid.
Probably my stupidity is so bad, that I thought that I can really finish my shower, oh what a fool I am!
Because of course that you, brushing your teeth, because you don't "wanna" later, is much more important than my body hygiene.

Well, "mother" (how can I even call her that?).
Sorry that you had to suffer me so far, because right now, I don't want to live, congrats, you made me counting the minutes until school starts, and I barely can decide what will be worth, being with them for 3 years, or one day with you.


So, I have 16 days left, oh, so good!
Just doodling with pens and mechanical pencils, writing whatever I want, checking choices, learning habits, writing facts, drawing.
And never forgetting the incredible addition that I've got by passing exams, get fit, and having sport sessions 5 days a week!
Oh, what a waste of expensive money, and hard work, for bunch of girls that as far as I see it, become trophy wives (on the best), or become the "call girl" on The A Team video of Ed Sheeran. (on the worst).
I want to get into somewhere in America, not far from the beach, and with the current economy, I hope it'll be a scholarship.

16 days.
Unbelievable.
A 12 year old, waiting for school to start because she hates staying with her family, a child that past something out of the ordinary (cyberbullying level: advanced), and guess what, have deep hatred for normal people, popular, hipsters, people that like pink (some exceptions), people who hate blue or green, and most of the people who is on white as wall scheme, and all the people who tan themselves with chemical reactions that is legal (tanning wipes, exist, and used by the major whores in my life MB, and Ms. Kooka).

Oh well, at least I have great stories to tell.
The more I do, the better.

I remember that once, I snorted this funny sweet powder you get in pipes from the store under candy section, I taught it to bbbff and to Ms. Kooka, and I also drank vodka that was mixed with mango juice, it was my first time that I got drunk, and the next morning, my first hangover.
I was crazy back there, about 8 months ago.
When I owned a lot of names under "friends" section.


I hate most people that hears suicidal songs, it's really shitty that there are people that want to fucking die.

When my parents took me to some Psychiatrist, and to the special psychopathic psychologist, one thing I know for sure, my "mother", told them that I thought about suicide.
Untrue.
Of course you imagine ways to die!
You are a fucking kid that's growing up, got hatred from people you don't fucking know, and not being yourself, it's normal!
And have you ever thought that I'd actually kill myself, I'm a coward, I'm afraid of blood and needles, so dying isn't an option, I just need some potion so I'll live forever, spreading my thoughts online.

Guys, when I'll grow, I thought about a name that everybody will call me this way because saying my real name, is pretty much impossible, they can't get it right, so I thought about "Tom", yes, like the cat.
Though I have about another 12 years until it'll happen and my name choice will change.


So, I know it's shorter than the usual, but, I want to get some sleep.

Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it,