Green tea, fatass

Hmmm...

Green tea!

It's two calories, but it's speeding my metabolism, so I don't care so much. 

Well, today I thought about new rule always come to friends a little bit later after lunch. 

I came at lunch and ate huge schnitzel, and enormous spoon of mashed potatoes. 

At least there was no butter or something dangerous like that. 

And than at the mall, small ice-cocoa. 

What the fuck is wrong with me?

So, today in the mall, I saw so manny skinny girls, thigh gaps, slim legs, 00 sizes. 

And I saw two items I liked, kind of, no.

There was a black vest, leather black vest, and I remembers my coat/jacket I had, exactly like it, just with sleeves, and yeah, about half the price. 

And I so there my dream jeans. 

Dark denim, jeggings, size 00. 

This is what I want to fit in. 

I tried to do 50 burpees today (you stand up, duck down and your in push-up position, and than jump tall again and stand up) I failed at 30 and something. 

About at twenty five i got tired and I didn't have up, I would continue, but my limbs gave up. 

I hate how weak they are, why does it have to be so thick?

You know what's terrible?

That only at the end of my limbs, you can see easier my bones. 

It's probably the same for most of the world. 

Just in the connection of my wrist and hand, and in the connection of my leg to the feet, it's annoying. 

Why it's not the same with my shoulders?

Or my thighs?

Or my stomach?

Wow, it sucks to be Spider-Man. 

Like, because of you, the father of your girlfriend died, the professor of your girlfriend turned to be half-lizard, and you "humiliated" an "innocent boy" which is actually a bully. 

You know, I get him. 

Fuck the rest!

This "innocent" boy ruined lives. 

And yes I am furious, it wasn't humiliation, he was fucking deserve it. 

You may disagree, but I have all the rights to become fucking spider girl (woman is so silly nickname, it's like created to describe, furious attacks from blood, and needy, and hatred), if I could do it, fuck it people! Some girl on earth will fucking DIE FROM HUMILIATION because she fucking deserves it!

It's a secret (I share secret to the people that care and my best friends, which you are both, you know everything but one thing, but I'd rather not talk about it), I've heard from my bestie in denial  

A girl that we know as G, cried from another girl we know as MB, darlings, I am not surprised from how he did it, it's typical, it's her strategy, just I wonder, why can't you, my dear friend, G, are still friends with her, you're too much like me, I just hope you'd stop in time. 

So, what happened?

There was a prom (how sweet is that!) that boys ask girls, inside the camp. 

And my dear G, had a crush on some boy, and guess what?

He asked MB. 

And MB found the best time to fill her need of harming and teasing others. 

She like waved it in front of her, she teased her, until G cried, and I doubt that she stopped when she cried, I know her good enough. 

Ahh..

The beautiful start, of something that will go too soon, close to the end. 

Okay, call me an 80's child, where you're so fucking against the system, but come fucking on!

So, I bet it's normal when they do it every single year, but some people, can't answer it. 

I have no idea why I'm expecting for, I won't answer "repeating starvation and fasting, because of the other females in the school, self hate, and mentally dying every since day" because I would not like to expand my time in the incredibly annoying psychopathic psychologist. 

I don't expect to be a staright A's girl, I have creativity with plans, not more, I can't write music or songs (it was hard time to pass the last semester, where we learned about music, I'm not a good at words, with music, separate it, I'll be better, and even then, I still doubt it), I expect to not fail much, though I'll try the most my brain will give me. 

I don have hobbies that can add to schools society, firstly, because I fucking hate it, secondly, I'm learning for two fucking years how to play the guitar, and I'm off beat every single time, I'm getting confused using Unity, and even Max, I only got my stories, and I won't share each one. 

I have nothing to tell my teacher, I don't like people, unless they prove me something else, I stopped trusting people, it's an issue, but it's better than being open for harm, and even then, hat will I say?

Hello, I wanted to inform my teacher that I have constant suicidal thoughts, I can write sad depressing stories on my English test without noticing, I can draw dead people and corpses on my notebook, oh yeah, and I almost forgot! I like to cut my skin and enjoy the blood, and than starve myself, thank you, have a nice year!

Do you find it normal? I don't. 

I hate myself, I ate 3/5 from my pizza, dammit, my mother have to make me eat and gain fat, so I'll be the fat girl?!

When G's coming back, I hope to god that she'll understand how  dangerous it is to play with snakes and fire. 

I want to diet with her. 

Or even better, with myself. 

I'll get a scale. 

I want to be skinny. 

I want a legging. 

Again mother?! Again?!

"What's wrong with you?!" You ask me. 

Oh, please, like you don't know. 

You do. 

I'm just a sad song with nothing to say (I hear it right now and I find it right).

And you said surprised and hurt-like that I look at you "with hateful eyes".

I sure do. 

I. Sure. Do. 

Excuse me for my killing rudeness, but I may look at people how I want to, if they making me cry at nights. 

P.s. I wanted to inform you that I hate my mother, and she hates me too, okay, bye! Have a nice year!

I want to be this little girl, that can wear whatever she wants, because everything fits her. 

I wan to be that pretty girls, that everyone look at her, wonder how beautiful and skinny she is. 

I used to be her. 

And than I got the "gift of feminism" as known as, hormones. 

I got hips, belly, weird shape, zits, and blood "you're not pregnant" reminder. 

Fuck feminism. 

They all get offended for jokes about genders (I can compare it to a little less madness, comparing to fans of different people, they can murder each other, I just think we should unite, and it sushi together). 

I like My Chemical Romance songs when I'm sad, somehow, my iPhone knows me the best. 

I can't sleep. 

It's early. 

I've been forced to sleep. 

At least I can stay awake with the phone, do some leg activity. 

It's hard, but you can't always get what you want, you have to earn it. 

I want skinny legs, long, stick-like legs. 

I want small arms, pretty, stick-like arms. 

I want flat stomach, amazing, paper-thin stomach. 

Model of perfection. 

I want to look like a model, people around me "she's so skinny! And beautiful! I wonder what's her name." And I'll just walk, drink tea from a cup. 

I want to be skinny. 

Just lose, and lose, and lose. 

Until no more fats. 

Where I'd look the closest to perfection. 

Why do I have to be the fat girl?

Maybe it's karma, for being the skinny girl so long. 

But still, I was considered as the tomboy. 

I was bullied every year. 

It's not fair. 

I just want to smile. 

And to mean it. 

It'll be hard. 

I've free to be without emotions. 

Avoided to have any from my mother. 

And avoided people's, so I won't get hurt. 

Oh, isn't it hilarious. 

Until young boy can come, five minutes after I said that I can't come (lie, I thought that he won't go, so what's the point) he says he can. 

Oh, just with my luck. 

Maybe it's better. 

I'll get a little more toned in surfing, so, it's not that bad. 

Just his attention, I'm an attention whore if you want to say. 

Attention from guys, a need that found in girls with daddy issues. 

I don't think I have any. 

So, yeah my dad always was on work, and regularly outside Israel, above ten times a year. 

Yes, I barely got his attention, but so what!

I don't have daddy issues. 

I have mother issues. 

Because I feel like a beast near her. 

She fucking checked me. 

And I'm the monster? Please! What mother will check her daughter for cuts on her body?! When she's fucking naked?!?!

She made me hate my own reflection, question every choice I made, so I'll try to be perfect, but I won't try to be fake. 

Coincidence, it's a part from a song. 

But why am I so fucking related to it!

It's sick that a twelve year old baby will want to hang herself. 

Like, it's not possible that a fucking toddler will want to kill herself!

I hate myself, congratulations you did it. 

I hate everything about me, good for you. 

Now I need to ask myself a lot for just taking a bite, perfect. 

I want to be something impossible, that absolutely have the possibility to kill me, but fuck, I don't care, thank you. 

And with all of it, to be me, the one self that I include in my suffering, that I despise. 

I want to cry. 

But I physically can't. 

My body doesn't make anymore tears. 

It's rejected by my brain.

Mentally, I cry rivers here. 

Physicaly, my eyes are dry like a desert. 

I want to bleed. 

I used to call them "alternative tears", instead of crying, I was bleeding. 

Huh. 

It's freaky. 

It's me. 

You know, I want to say for some people that I don't love them. 

You know, after you write/say something, the more sure you are that's its true. 

  I just want to not be depended on others. 

Ugh, I'm a natural, aren't I?

Needy from birth. 

But not skinny. 

Oh fuck. 

I-hate-myself feeling again. 

It's like hunger. 

When it's on waves. 

I just want to die. 

I want to walk. 

I don't know where. 

Just walk, very far from here. 

I want to leave this place. 

To heaven-like place. 

Where all the beginner angels and devils go. 

I remember, when my sister was younger, she used to watch an anime, something named "angel city" or something. 

Where angels and devils control people together, and I liked it. 

It was about an angel girl, and devil boy, they control the same human, and a love story happening (obviously, how somebody could expect something different!), and it's like Romeo and Juliet, or like Oma and Shu(I'm an avatar geek), or Nora and patch (it's funny, he's a fallen angel, that sensed to sacrifice her, it's weird, he's probably the anime couple child), or Ky and Cassia, you got it. 

 and they fall in love, when they kiss after something that I barely remember (only flashes if jungle and anime couple kiss), they go to some court, because an angel and a devil romance is forbidden relationship, they sended to different places. 

I barely remember a thing. 

I'd like to watch it again. 

She also likes something with mermaids, peachy peachy peach or something, Iearned by accident the theme song. 

I believe it's a common tragic story, boy falls in love with a girl he saw, but this girl have two lives, and she's in love with him, but he doesn't love her, he loves the other her, but he doesn't know she's the same person. 

Oh fuck, it's like Hannah Montana, I might vomit. 

I imagined or he said "Travitia" when he spoke this foreign language on The Dark Wood Of Error?

I hate this movie. 

So pointless. 

I hate movies like it. 

It's like watching doco movie, about the growth of shrooms, sleeping pills are nothing comparing to this boredom. 

I never got its point. 

It's a waste of money.

I never got the point. 

She died, they imagined. 

It's like watching people on LSD but its not funny. 

I want to wake up early, and go do something. 

I don't want breakfast. 

Actually, I hope I'd stay up so late, so I'd sleep for most of the day. 

I'll have to stay up. 

Good luck. 

You know what's funny, I like all these songs about girls that change you and lie to you. 

I know how it feels. 

I don't need to change it to guys instead of girls. 

I know that there's a reason that "bitch" it's a female dog, and not just a nickname for both genders of dog. 

I'd talk a little on extra, maybe not. 

Hmff. 

Berries, Survivors, 

I hope you'll make it.