Signs

Wow...

I remember saying that I will finally kill myself if I'll have a sign, just a minute after I said it, a sign came. 

And now?

All the time. 

Just now I got another one. 

How many signs I'll have until I'll do it?!

My sister, used to be the only thing to keep me alive. 

Now she hates me. 

She just tried to break my hand (!), and said she hates me. 

And it's one thing if she told she hated me, each kid does that, but she tried to break my hand. 

Wow.

What sign do I need any longer?

What stopping me from jumping?

What stopping me from poisoning?

What?!

I don't remember being this way, maybe it happened long while ago, maybe few days and I just preferred to forget it.

You know, I don't believe that songs can actually save somebody. 

I'm sorry. 

It's impossible to me. 

But you can be inspired, it's all up to you.

You can't change somebody if he doesn't want to. 

And it seems that I'm the only one who gets it. 

I feel locked.

Chained in a cage. 

Helpless. 

I have no idea how long can I take it. 

Nobody cares any longer. 

My family don't care. 

My classmates don't care. 

I don't care...

I guess that for now, I'm just a place filler.

Just here to make the place look full, with people, just to increase the population. 

But if I wasn't to fill places, I guess I would die. 

Why can't I be fill with happiness?

Why lies are so damn sweet?

Why I can't deceive myself that I'm good?

Why the truth is so painful? 

Tell me, why can't I just smile, and mean it?

Why can't I just say "hi" to people and they will "hi" back?

It's my fault in everything that happens. 

From the beginning to the end.
I should be quiet, just try harder to stay away from attention.

I searched for reasons to stay alive, it's always good to remember what you are waiting for, it;s better to be on hold than keep going sometimes.
And I see that half of them are just.... Not


Snowdays

Not going to happen, only if I'll be in a different coutry, like Italy.

Finding a talent you never knew you had
Maybe, but I'm not vey talented.

Getting to hear every new album your favorite band releases
Nope, just nope.

Seeing Finding Dory and Monsters University when they come out
I wanted to go, I might watch it one day, but not Dory, I didn't liked Nemo, I got scared.

Watermelon in the summer
There's only about a week that the watermelon is actually good (I'm very specific when I eat a watermelon).

Kittens and puppies
That's actually adorable, I fed kittens yesterday, and one just purred and growled, like a tiger, and it was so aborable.

Seeing your best friend get married
Very funny... No.

"Children there’s a mistake in the test and it will now be considered bonus"
I don't really care if it's a bonus or not, I just don't want to fail, and I almost fail every single time on geography.

Traveling to new places and discovering new things
That's what  I'm waiting for.

Knowing that technology is getting amazing and SOON there WILL be affordable 3d printers that can print 

It reminds me somebody, and it makes me feel lonely...

out pizza and other foods (seriously!)
I hate outside pizza, it tastes like melted plastic on carton, and there's always too much cheese and fats, and I can't stand McDonalds, I just like sushi that I can make anyway, and meat.

The sound of rain when you’re falling asleep at night.
With screaming and sirens of shop being lifted, it's not that much charming as it could be, it's more annoying.

One day you will feel better than you do now
I guess, this one is true.

Ice cream is delicious
Depends, I had a dream last night eating the whiskey ice cream with the whiskey sauce (have I mentioned that I also had a living racoon as a hat? and I wore a diaper?)

The feeling you get when you don’t have to set an alarm for the next day
Nah.

Being able to, one day, hang GIFs on your wall (just imagine how great that will be!)
No place in my wall anyway, I hate my room.

those “this never leaves this room” moments
I hate to keep things.

Seeing an old friend after such a long time
Not really, I saw mine, and guess who she was talking to, her bff, my worst bff, MB.

When teachers use your work as a good example and you’re just like “fuck yeah”

I just hate it, than they make me to read it in front of everybody, and I'm getting nervous.

Capri Suns!
I heard it's a drink, and the most forigen drinks I had was mochito, mango bubble tea, and arizona (the ice tea), and guess what? I drank them all in New York.

Seeing your favorite band/artist live
Yeah... No.

If they'll come, it means that probably so many people will stand cheering in the front, and I won't even be able to breath.

Getting to see new videos from your favorite YouTubers
That's actually great, I really like that artist his accent and his teeth reminds me some spanish vampire, and he draws amazing.

Seeing new movies Leonardo DiCaprio is in and won’t win awards for being in
I don't like him that much.

Because people DO care about you, including me.
Yeah, if they care, they make a really good job hiding it.

One of Dr. Seuss’ best quotes: “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” Appreciate and love that.
(Sh)Okay?

Going to the pool on a hot summer day
I hate pools, I've seen so many bugs there, I have nightmares, I like the beach, surfing and looking at funny orange people.

Amusement parks
No, too much vomit, and bugs, and not enough amusing rollercoasters.

the butterfly project
VERY BAD ASSOSIATIONS.

Laughing until your stomach hurts
It happened after my sister hit me exactly between my ribs, it was a fucking Ty Lee move, and I barely could laugh afterwards, I was in pain.

Finding music that you can really relate to
And than I think about my life, hate myself about stuff I've done, and it's not that great.

Winning a stuffed animal from the claw machine (i’m addicted to them)
I just feel that scumbags invented them to yellow childish sponges.

Your best friend
I hug the floor sometimes, seriously, not even falling, just lying down annd hugging it.

When a baby holds on to one of your fingers with their entire hand
Not happens.

Being able to spend Christmas at Disneyland
I've been on halloween, it was good enough, too bad that I remember something awful from there, and around that time.

Learning the lyrics to an eminem song and being to rap it like a boss
I don't like eminem.

Birthday cake
I don't like cakes, I like brownie, I like crunchy things with rich chocolate.

The cold side of the pillow
That's amzing considering the fact that I natrually make heat.

Getting to correct the teacher
No.

Telling a really funny joke and just sitting there while everyone laughs, knowing you are the reason why
I have a feeling that when I'm silent, I'm still the reason why.

Getting back from vacation and being able to use your own bathroom
Funny.

Getting back from vacation and being able to sleep in your own bed
Yes! And no creepy nightmares about a dead girl!

Random unexpected texts
"I love you! Can't wait to see you" isn't sweet and make you want to live when you get it from a stranger.

When you meow at a cat and it meows back

When you meow on a kitten it's cute, when you meow at a fucking lion and it eats you...

The warm feeling of putting on jeans straight out of the dryer
Not fun.

When you finish eating a sandwich and remember you still have another half to eat (hell yes!)
No.

Chocolate cake
Ew.

Having eye sex with your crush
That's just creepy. No.

Knowing all the lyrics to a song
Way too much, I sleep while my mind singing stuff I don't even like to hear.

Learning how to play an instrument
I can imagine me trying to play on a violin, it will sound like a dead horse.

When you start smiling and can’t contol it
It's actually awful, because I frown after a second.

Laughing when you thought you were uncapable of doing so

No.

I bolded the intresting stuff.

How the fuck is haiku is trending on Tumblr?

I just remember Sokka in the girl haiku night...

I just don't like poetry.

It reminds me hipsters, and Cassia and Ky and her gallery.

I just think of very bitter and boring people reading something, so slowly, that a snail yelled on them to read it fucking faster.

All I know about poetry nights (or evenings) is probably from the television.

I remember the reality show, and the very first episode, that probably introduced me the idea of Hipster, and she was so annoying and boring, and she made him, to go with her, to a poetry night.

Only because of her, all Israel knows what hipster means, it was so new to us.

To be different.

And guess what I hate about hipsters in Israel, every second word they say is on English, and it's irratating, would you stand it?!

Like, come on!

Imagine it.

And if you can't, imagine somebody that every word he can transer to pirate word, he would, I'd try to murder him, shoot him out of a cannon, or make him to walk on that wooden plank.

I just want to do this for many many many people.

Hold their sholders, shake them a bit, and tell them this: "I DON'T FUCKING CARE WHAT YOU ARE EATING! STOP TALKING IN ENGLISH! IT'S FUCKING ISRAEL!TALK ARABIC OR HEBREW!"

I really hate when people write on English on their wall.

It's stupid.

And they became like every other child in America.

Talking so stupidly.

So yes, I write fuck and shit, and stupid and moron, but at least I make sure that I keep learning, I want to learn more about Old English, it sounds beautiful.

You know, I think that people not wearing enough top hats, as much as Bruno Mars rocking that  fedora hat look (and so does my brother, he calls it James Bond style, and it's actually my old hat), people should wear it more often.

And the most annoying, the only way you would wear a hat indoors it's that it's a beanie to keep you warm (unless it's summer and you have hair conditioning), and if you have short hair and it's a bad hair day.

It annoys me when people wear those baseball caps indoors.

People would rather to stay stupid, than be considered incredibly smart by society.

Why?

I think that adding some wise (not smart, but a one who have stories, can talk to you, and you will be intrested) people to my class, will do wonders.

I just said that I have a need to pet Japanese people.

Weird, right?

My sister wants to go to Japan for her Bat-Mitzvah trip, if she will decide to not make a party, and will invite me, I'll be a fifteen year old girl, petting people.

I just want to go, and see all those teenagers with their bizzare outfits, it's one of the most beautiful things to me, and I want to buy their a shinx onesie (I love this pokemon), and if not, of Pikachu (it's more common), it's Japan, I want to do things if I'll get there, like a Sushi making course, because I want to, and more Japanese foods that are less common, and learn some Japanese!

I like to know few words in different languages, I know some hawiaan words, and my name in some.

In French and Italian and Chinese (Mandrin), and Hebrew and  English, I know in different 5 languages how to say my name, and soon it will be 6, because I'm learning Arabic.

In French and Italian, it's similiar, it's Miel (me and yell combined).

And Mandrin is Mi (it's all about me, after all).

Hebrew it's Dvash (just say dva and combine it with Ash from Pokemon).

English it's Honey.

And I just taught you how to ask for the product that bees create in 5 different languages.

I always forget that I'll go to Poland.

On my freshment year of Highschool, I'm going to Poland, and learn about the holocaust.

Why Israel is so fucking depressing, each day is a war.

And reading the bible idn't fun either!

A man almmost sacrificed his son, they murdered many children, they completly destroyed  a nation.

*pause, I watched happily the insults of Simon for the failing singers on X Factor*

Again?

Another sign?

My sister, moved my hand, with my precios phone in it, it's broke two times in the past two months, and she's moving it?!

And she tried to tickle me, on my wrist.

Nobody ever touched my wrist, nobody tried to tickle me in a ver long while.

I almost opened the window with intention to jump, but we all know I'll never kill myself (in this case, never say never isn't an option).

I'm not an actual human.

I'm kind of a soul, not cursed, just hovering.

And guess what, I'm also an insult.

Insult for each one who actually dealing with something that I dream to be.

I should die.

Nobody never wanted to be around me anyway.

I'm a monster.

No wonder why people tend to escape and be afraid of me when I'm around.

What will happen?

Do you remember what I said about the father (if I said) that killed his children?

On Rosh Hashana, his five year old son (that's now dead), wrote him on a card "Happy new year dad, don't die" am I the only one who gets super sad when a son tells his father to not kill himself.

And how souless, heartless, how much numb can you be to murder one who could have saving someone?

What if the one who could comfort me, is dead?

Think about it....

I don't know what I want to do?

Keep writing?

It's silly.

Just talking to a cold hard screen.

How strange that lately shiny cold hard screens became my best friends...

I hope I'd decieve myself again, the best part of lying to yourself, not an illusion, a lie that will make you dream.

I tried to draw zombieboy (it's still my "baby" like old tough men with their expensive buff motorcycles call their motorcycles).

And this is how it looks like:

 

Well, I guess I'm done here.

I really like Windows 8.

And tomorrow I'm supposed to update my phone to iOS 7, that reminds me alot andorid, and I don't like andorid.

Oh well...

Berries, Survivers,

I hope you'll make it.