Happy/Sad/Happy/?

I like the morning jogs.
It makes me feel good.
Like, proud of myself.
I like it.
Well, now it's morning.
So I'm going to make a school meal (probably a cucmber or something), and then when I'll be home I'll get a nice chicken breast, and enjoy the dinner.
I will do something sporty today.
I'm not sure what.
But I will.
Probably one of the saved links.
Something under 30 minutes, because I cannot afford more time.
But not sure which one.
Tomorrow it's yoga, at midday.
Well, I went to make breakfast.

....

I drank vanilla green tea in the morning. 

It's good, but not sweet enough. 

And occasionally on sports I ate slices of the cucumber I cut earlier. 

I also did 10 minutes of intense soccer. 

So fun. 

Though I kicked so hard once that the ball just smacked a girl's face. 

But it burned almost hundred. 

....

I feel like a failure. 

I don't even want to eat the cucumber. 

I don't deserve it.

Since when it's bad to be smart?
It's not like I'm not trying my best.
I'm trying more than my best.
I learn things that nobody taught me before, because nobody bothered to.
Because nobody cares.
And you are, my dear teacher, are mad at me because I didn't do the homework.
You did it from yesterday to today.
And every single fucking Thursday, I'm missing, why? You even never bothered to ask.
But it's complelty my fault that I cannot be in two different places in the same time.
Because I can't take a math book and understand and have time for it all.
I can't do such a thing.
And that's "little thing" you told me out loud in front of everybody, not only made me ashamed, but just gave me like five thousand four hundred and two depression pills (if there aren't, I might invent them).

...

Even you parents?
My father almost slapped me.

That's it.
If my parents will divorce, I'll try to escape that hell as fast as possible.
I can't live like that.

I'm sick of crying.
I'm sick of life.
Those moments make me rething why I didn't do it earlier.
Like all the other children in Israel.
Like the cyberbullied children.
Why fucking not?
I could just end it.
Why am I not doing it now?!
What's wrong with me?!
(akmost) EVERYBODY ELSE IN MY SITUATION WILL DO IT.
So why I'm not?
Why?...


...

I have no idea how I'm going to go through this weekend.
I have no idea.
Now I have to go end eat lunch.
I lost my appetite so I'll eat as less as possible.
I don't feel like a human now.
Each day I think I'm understanding him more, and the more I understand, the more I'm closing to do what he did...

....

I ate two small chicken breasts, with one tbs of hummus.
It 120 cals.
I have consumed -175 calories today.
I need to excresise today.
I did the jog, and I still have crunches.
But I'm not sure if I want to do more, so I will be able to eat a kiwi/persimmon.
I have to do something in order to get a fruit.
I think for dinner, if I'll have a free option, probably a yogurt.
They are sweet and I am in full control about my binges.

Crap.
Even now I feel like I ate too much.
My throat hurts.

...

I feel like shit.
I don't think I'm going to give myself a coin today, and not even a manicure tomorrow.
I feel like absoulute shit.

My stomach hurts....
Again...
It's not good for her to be over-filled.

I feel like dying.
I don't want to live anymore.
But it will be such a tragedy if somebody will die a week before your Bar-Mitzvah.

I have free time for myself.
No binging.
Only excrisising.
I think it's time for myself.
They all went to go and see christmass shit.
And buy candies.
Yeah right...
I...
Eat...
pfff...
Candies...


I'm going to run a bit.
If I have a good action movie I'll watch it.
My dessert will be happiness.
At least they accept me.
The people there.
The mindset that if I'll do it, she'll wat to be with me again...
Each time I'm making a mistake with it, it's like her screaming in pain, holding herself tight so she won't fall apart, and suffering.
And it's her.
The slender model her.
And I'll do everything for her.

...

I did thirty minutes jog.
I'm going to do more.
But I need some rest.
For now, I ate 145 calories, and burnt 536, meaning, I just had -391 calories.
And I have 591 calories free to eat, so it will be considered 200.
I'm going to continue the jogging.

I burnt 644.

I have to continue to do that stuff for a long while.
Well, until I'd reach my goal, obviously.
Which I have one, and plenty of little things I'd award myself if I do so.
The one that I'm the closest to reach that will give me a big award, is what I call "skinny symptoms", which includes thigh gap (each day I'm getting closer) and hipbones (well, I'm far from that), and similiar things, like collar bones and boney limbs.

I went to make make myself something chocolatic.
Something that will 100% sure won't lead to a binge.

....

I drank the best 23 calories in my life. 

A huge teaspoon of fat free cacao powder, a bit of coffee (probably 1/2 a tsp), a tiny bit of pure vanilla extract (3 cals), and hot water (with a bit of cold, I don't want to get burnt again).

It's so filling!

And delicous!

But if you are starting to go crazy like me, make sure you can actually deny and say no to binges, because I almost started one!

But I stopped!

Aren't you proud of me?

I sure am!

I'm watching few episodes of House, it's so fun!

....

For dinner I ate one berry yogurt.
And another mocha cup.
With marshmallow cutted.
I learned today that I shouldn't eat marshmallows, and two cups of that delicous thing.

Today I had -269 calories!
I really enjoy to go to the shower, and just see, a day after day, gettting closer to the thigh gap.

Tomorrow will be a fun day.
How do I know it?
Well, I found 7 seasons of House site with subtitles (helps a lot, because we yell and scream and stuff alike a lot in that house), and I recorded The Dark Knight Rises.
It's pretty good.
Since I wanted to watch a batman movie that won't confuse me, because I don't understand a thing.


....


I want to make a bracelet.
I have charms (I always find few), and I have new black wax thread.
I can make something cool with it.
And I have tons of cards.
It got a good side and a bad side.
The packets don't have the creepy joker one, which is good, but it also don't have the beautiful patterns.

I enjoyed today.
At the shower, I started to do crunches, before conditioning and I managed to do only 12, I thought I was going to give up.
But after it.
I didn't.
I did a hundred!
I'm not going to keep with the +20 ones.
It's consuming too much time.
And not burning enough.
It's good for abs, but not good enough.

Tomorrow I got yoga.
Cool.
I will do stuff tomorrow.
I'm going to search for more recipes, and come up with my own.
I watched today another Chocolate Ccovered episode.
I love that show.
Now it was with a scottish (I think) man named William (williams are too common in Europe, I'll explain later), and his wife is japaneese, and she came up with pretty awesome ideas for chocolatic heavens.
Though the chocolate looked interesting (not like what Dave built with white chocolate legs, but interesting enough to be called this way), I didn't like the spongey things, and the over amounts of rum, and raisins.
When it comes to chocolate, I'd rather sweet cold things,.

I have to find new low cal recipes.

I love to make food.
It gives me so much joy.
And I always like it better when I don't need to eat it all!
Because it sucks to do it alone.
I'm hoping to make kimchi soon.
I always wondered how it tasted like, since I was 8.
I'm not kidding.


So, now I'm trying to draw things inspired by the ballads (right now with the dead knight, and his pregnant lover that killed herself, and his loyal pets, and the crows that watned to eat him), I might do Edward Edward one.
And maybe the other Christian knight that will doom the Jewish daughter, because, well, you'll have to read it to understand.

Well, good night for you, I'm going to bed, watch some tv and do stuff on my phone (mostly mpa and yummly and their siblings), have fun.


Berried, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.