2000+ and memory

We went over 2000 views!
WOW.
This is pretty awesome.
I'm kind of surprised.
Well, it feels just like that a month ago it was 1000!
And it's so weird.

Well, just continuing to post normal.
I binged today.
I'm ashamed.
Of course I binged, I woke up at 7 something, but I learned from the mistake, and tomorrow I'll go back on track.
Today at noon (after my practice was over), I knew today, I told to myself "today I reached breaking point".
At that point I usually give up and gain weight.
Tomorrow it's a short day.
Meaning?
JOG.
I like jogging in place more than everything.
It's the easiest most achiveable one.
So yes, snowboarding is way more fun, and surfing, and endless other options.
But you can't do them everywhere, and not even talking about costs.
Jogging is great, because I can watch movies.
My goal that comes the soonest, is to have a thigh gap.
I would say to have it by the end of the month, but the end of the month is on Tuesday.
I remember that day, last year.

CRAP.
HOW COULD I MISS IT?!
FIVE DAYS AGO, IT WAS IT.
THE ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY.
Well, how weird.
I guess I'm starting from the last point again.
Irony in everything I do.
My first posts were about how fat I am (and I failed), and now I'm trying again.

I'm not going to fail at the break point.
I'm going to survive.
And when I'll go to the mall, I'll enter Bershka, and try on a dress, and will be confident enough to show them how I look like in it, because I'll be skinny!
This is my mission.
To break a jaw.
They'll be so shocked, that from the speed of their mouth opening's, the jaw will break.
Hospitalizing a person because of slimness.
Epic.



Here it is, a post from last year, that very date.
Twelve hours and twelve months earlier, it was the picture that pretty much says everything about my self harm.
The post is called I'm Not Hungry.
How weird it is?!
I knew that I work in cycles, but I never guessed it would be so true!

Tomorrow I'll jog.
School food will probably be something tiny, because tomorrow is a short day.
Lunch will be broccoli with chicken breast with hummus or pizza sauce.
Dinner, depends...

Crap.
I shouldn't even start with that milk chocolate.
A stupid mistake.

Now I learned.
Everyday you learn something new.
Like milk chocolate is bad, because it's a complete binge starter.
Eating meats on lunch is a good excuse to why not eat dairy meals (the power of pretending to be Jewish), and that a great appetite suppresor is coffee, it sounds better to parents when I call it mocha.
Coffee is bad after five pm, and it's a big mistake, unless it's on a day without school day after it.
Jogging is something that my sister doesn't care about, and works good with fast going movies, it's making it like it was in no time (drama and those bullshit won't work, easy comedies are good).
Food is my friend, my scluptur, my art, making it beautifully and not eating tons of it is wonderful.
Butter is disgusting, it just tastes like poop.
Coke zero tastes a bit like medicine to my friends, it's pretty good to me, because Ii love the flavor of medicines.
Different kinds of food from the world are like traveling to different places.

WHICH REMINDS ME!
I really want to make those rolls I ate in some taiwaneese restaraunt.
Crap.
That's what their filled of on websites with their stupid recipes.
I'll just make Kimchi.

Well.
I feel like chocolate some more.
I won't eat it.
I'm not a fool.
It was a mistake to wat chocolate.
Meaning:
In the next day no chocolate or sweets (not including one fruit to my choice), the day afterwards whatever I want but no chocolate, on Wednessday one milk chocolate cube (and no binge, I know it's risky, but if I prove it to myself I feel stronger, mostly mentally), on Thursday whatever I want (probably after lunch one cup of my mocha, with dark chocolate), on Friday, between lunch and dinner one snack, I don't know what, but a snack, and on Saturday, morning around 10, running for a long while, then until 12 pm, a bath, complete one, that will make me smell like roses, and be delightful (meaning, kimchi will be eated until Friday's lunch, so I won't be gassy), grooming for a very very very very very long while (brushing my hair, drying it natrually, braiding it, picking an outfit, which will probably be my 00 leggings, because, fuck yes), making me skip lunch, and even not mind it, then, around at 6:30 and around it small dinner, so I won't puke, and no eating after 7:00, making sure I'm ready, and leaving home at 7:15, so I'll make it on time to the Bar Mitzvah.

Tah-fucking-dah.

I need to write it.
Fuck.

Well.
At least I know my weaknesses even more.
Look at it like a game, or a war astretegy.
Discover your own weaknesses before the enemy knows it, fix them, find his, defeat it.
Bam, you fucking won, congratulations about winning.

I also discovered besides chocolate,
That cucumber is not the only meal I can consume for eight fucking hours.
Consuming way too little for a long time will lead to binge.

I really love food.
Chocolate for me is pretty much the canvas, paint, and everything else about food.

So, tomorrow, I have a very short shitty day.
But I can suffer it.
So meal?
Well, I guess I'll go on something good.
I went to check it up.
And practicing on no binging.

I almost ate another gluten free cookie (the other one I ate on my endless binge).
I opened it, when my head told me now, but my body ignored it (that bitchy human form!), and then, I stopped it.


I also learned today that bananas aren't that bad.

And that honey is a wonderous binge starter.
And that kiwi's aren't so good.
Everyday I must learn food.

You know the funniest part about it?
While many girls on mpa (shortcuts will be used for ana stuff, which is like mpa-My Pro Ana, or mfp- My Fitness Pal), see daily fatspo, I see thinspo, everywhere I look.
I'm in fucking sports class!
Everywhere there are dancers.
My wish is to look like Daniel, or Gale, they look like magical fairies.
Like, where the fuck are their wings?!

Well, I looked at thinspo of before and after.
Look:



If you thought that for a single minute I'm going to talk about her clothing, you were right, but not as right if ou guessed it will be about her tits.
HER BREASTS ARE LIKE, THE LARGE ONES THAT ACTUALLY LOOK GOOD!
But one problem.
WHY THE FUCK LONG FOR THE BEACH?!



She is pretty.
Her face is so gentle, like a cute pixie!
And the only thing I have to comment about, is the hair on the before.
Because the edges are too straight.
If her hair is so pretty and straight, I would personally go and layered, not thinned, beacause it's thin anyway.


Her face is so pretty.
The details look just like those American movie cheerleader face!



Look at her after face.
It says it all.
It's like a bitch face for all the people who told her that she's fat.
It's like "Who's the fat bitch now?bitch."

Well. 

I started writing in the binder, but I'll complete it tomorrow. 

Five a.m. wake up, lights on, writing. 

Six a.m. jog for thirty five minutes, six forty a.m. computer. 

Ten minutes to seven, hygeine stuff while making water for tea. 

Seven, drinks, already clothed, reading the news, writing the grocery list for the meals I'm making. 

By seven twenty five I'm out. 

I'm planned. 

Good night. 

Berries, survivors,

I hope you'll make it.