Okay, this morning I continued with some video that I stopped at on Youtube (still the goth side of youtube), and suddenly, I see something very surprising, Voltaire -- What is Goth?
And it's some sort of interview, and even though that I have problems with interviews, because of Bryan Stars (?), and because usually, when it's on parts, one or two parts won't be available in Israel/ Britain.
I changed my Youtube to Britain from that reason.
I wish that I moved to there, but nope.
I'm still here.
Even though that I'd like only to do some walking in cities that were mentioned in my favorite British bbc, The Beautiful People, and also I have an Irish (?) one, Moone Boy.
I loved Moone Boy, too bad it ended.
Same with The Secret Circle, because now, if I want to know what the fuck happens with the Blackwells and their dark circles and powers! I mean, Cassie is staying, that other Blackwell daughter was about to leave, and the other guys were seen as shadows in the last episode!
I wonder if in the book there is that specific end.
I was reading about Rasputina, and I just ended up seeing the "See Also" section in the page, and one link was Steampunk artists.
And I'd probably once give up, and actually hear an album or two from each artist, but, I also saw all kinds of artists who are not considered to be steampunk, but made steampunk music, I obviously saw Panic! At The Disco's The Ballad Of Mona Lisa.
And I also saw something with David Guetta with Turn Me On that was with Nicki Minaj.
I'm watching this video, and I really want to watch a video without the band "Bauhaus" and "Marilyn Manson" because right now, I have the same reaction to them and to Bar Refaeli.
"I don't want to hear anything about Bar Refaeli!"
I almost wrote "Bat Refaeli", too much gothic videos.
Oh! I don't know where I'd go afterwards, I mean, Grunge makes me just want to hit my head on the wall, I'm sorry, but if they are my age, it means that the next generation will be in a very bad place; Punk might have too many or too little, because recently there aren't really punks as it used to be before the twenty first century; Emos there are as well the same options of a punk, but considering that there is a 80's and 2008's youth, it can be very funny; And I can always try a new approach that will be prep!
I really need a new option, because
OH FUCK HE'S BRITISH!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1PygxevCZw
I really wonder why people use make up so much, not related to him, but why?
It's not like your makeup is very original or interesting, it's simply black, and your eye color seems dead, which is not good, it's more like, you don't have any emotion within you.
Like you're drugged on something.
But anyway, good makeup is makeup made by makeup artists.
That's all.
I don't understand what's the part of ripped clothing in the gothic subculture, I have a small problem with vandalizing new clothes or buying already destroyed clothes, but when did it start?
Why did it start?
It's like the trendy ripped off trousers, even if those are jeans or leggings, or the mixture, jeggings, or the male leggings, meggings.
I don't understand it, when it's torn, to me it shows how adventurous you are, that you caused this to happen because you do all kinds of things that aren't very safe, and every torn part is like a mark, same with my leg scars, I treat only my "natural" (?) scars to be this way, and I actually smile if I see a new scar on my knee or my calf or something, I think that I might be too happy for seeing my thighs turn purple again.
It reminds me of the times when I was younger, going through the most powerfully kicked balls, only to make sure that there will be no goals, and that we'd win, the guys were surprised for the first couple of times, but I love playing, I felt respected, like I was actually a member in the team that they won't pick between the first because I have a vagina.
....
I'm home.
Finally...
I just watch some video against hipster goth, and I'm going to skip it, because I don't like the Youtuber enough to continue, and I need to watch some of the black skinned in all of those cultures, which is a something that means a lot to me, because it's a topic that means a lot to me.
People will always judge me by it, and those people are usually white preppy rich people, I just hate it, they all categorizing me, to be immediately filthy, vulgar, and behaving like their dumb teenage daughters, with having sex and whoring themselves and drinking, it's not a black thing, it's a fucking white preppy shit.
I hate it, why? Because I'm not the so known Ghetto, and it's quite offensive, because they are white trash, and that's like insulting yourself.
The only difference between ghetto and white trash with the fucking skin tone.
That girl is funny, the white trash is calling her Nazi.
I just love people who aren't so aware about the Nazi party, they aren't German, or Polish, or Jewish, or black, or gypsy.
I really hate so many people for that reason.
She looks more like a cop, like, if you'd die it blue and black, it's a classic cop hat.
Or a train worker.
I'm trying to understand what the hell, Goth or Not - TB Show.
I'm going to watch.
Nicholas....
The second one is awesome.
David... Okay... Nope.
The second one is like I have my spirit within me and I have no need to show you to much, it's like more of a cute person.
Nicholas is kind of strange to me, why so much make up?
It's too much.
Oh, his name is Leonardo!
I love Leon, he made some epic thing with the beard thing.
I'm so confused, you just killed her in the moment.
"I couldn't spot a goth! Oh no! What am I if not a goth? My goth traits have betrayed me...".
I Can't Stand Hipsters.
She's so right.
And I love her.
I'm really confused.
Tyra Investigates The Vampire Culture. Part 1
It's strange to me, I find body-mods beautiful, especially of the more mythological creatures, the elf ears are beautiful, and same with some other mythical features, not necessarily like permanent ones, even eye contacts, which I still want to have the Code Lyoko contacts!
But, okay he's charming, and so is Tyra, but it's actually her job, to be this way.
He fascinates me.
I know that you actually can live off blood, as blood has calories.
I wonder if I'm a vampire, or anybody that I know is.
I just wonder, drinking blood isn't that bad, when you actually have a very sweet blood, I used to eat a lot of fruit as a child, and a lot of sugary things, because my mother always gave me a lot of food because I was too skinny, so each time I got injured I loved drinking the blood, it was so sweet.
My smelling is what-so-ever weak.
And I'm not powerful at all.
Okay, that guy starts to freak me out.
But I wonder what's going on.
Seriously, it's fascinating!
I really wonder what the hell.
Blood or spiritual energy.
It's spooky.
I love the female.
In my opinion sex is.....
Oh, she's correct, she just said what I wanted to say.
If there isn't any trust or actual intimate and love, then it's simply fulfilling your needs.
For a second I thought that she was going to cut herself.
WAIT!
Tyra had a show with cutters*?
*Cutters as people who cut themselves as self harm is much more than just cutting, and burning, there's also bone breaking and body smashing*
I need it.
Seriously, that'd be so epic!
I know that scalpels are not painful as you can't feel them, they are too thin and sharp to be felt.
Okay it's so strange, I'm already at part five.
Oh, her daughter was taken away?
Well, you don't let a person who isn't very harmful and is very loving to it's kids to raise them, but you'd let a person who beats up it's kids and hates them and will murder them to raise them?
It's so fucking strange!
Okay, I'm watching her Secret Lives of Teens.
I looked for Tyra cutters and that's what I got.
I got bored so I stopped.
I'm watching other "cutters" shit.
"Real Cutters Cut Deep, You're Just Doing It For Attention"
I feel that cutters cut, and it's right about everybody but me.
I feel like I'm so stupid for cutting, and it makes me want to cut more, and when it's shallow it upsets me because I deserve much more pain, so I need to do it deeper.
I'm watching this now:
"Fake Cutters"
She's so right and lovely.
I won't wear long sleeves in summer to hide myself (when I'm over eighteen) no matter what, I'd probably be in Israel at the time, and nope, I'd wear something so it won't be infected, and I'd also wear a lot of hoodies, but only inside, where the air-conditioning is really weird like between starting an ice age to scuba diving in an active volcano, and I'm not even joking.
Okay, I just love that girl, she's right, and her attitude is like polite but she's standing for herself.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFB83LIqdTs
Watch it and smile.
....
Serious topic.
If you aren't it the mood use ctrl+f or ctrl+g and look for "Purple Square" because it's the end and the beginning of the serious topic.
My self harm bullshit.
You know it's bullshit, I know it's bullshit, they know it's bullshit.
I remember reading on the fifth grade about it, and I said to myself that I won't do it before fourteen, but it was more like saying rather than promising, and same with suicide before sixteen, just that I won't do it until I'm stopping with the hormonal bullshit.
But back to it, a little after the beginning of the sixth grade I was shaving my arms, after being told multiple times that my ars are hairy and in the most insultive tone they've had, and it hurt me, because I felt like I was disgusting other people, which didn't help to my damn "story" from the fifth grade, back to shaving, I remember accidently cutting myself with the razor, and I found myself not even feeling it, I noticed it only when I saw blood.
So I decided to try it, I read about it, and a lot of damn teenagers said that it helped them a lot, and that it gave them a relief, so I started, what was the worst thing that could've happen.
I remember wanting to be considered cool for that shit by the teenagers on stips.
I know that I was a fucking attention whore.
Ever since that I started, I didn't want to stop, each time that I felt something, any emotion, especially hate and anger and grieve, but in a very strong way, like being attacked by it, I cut, I simply went to my room, cut-cut-cut, feel already better, and return to my business.
In some way, I cut to deny any feeling I had.
I was an attention whore that was restricting itself, it was also the second year for my unhealthy eating habits, with not eating at school but overeating and binge eating on the afternoon.
So it didn't help as well.
Same with every insult that was.
Now, I actually explained to you why I feel like a fake person all the time.
I still want to do it, I just need to punish myself for doing it, but I always feel fake for wanting to hurt myself from that reason, so it's awful, because it's a cycle.
Purple Square.
Hocus Pocus, unhappy and serious topics disappear!
I'm watching Ghost Town: The After Party Is Here! and I have some hard time hearing their words because of the background music.
I started thinking about the name Harry, in some frantic tone, hypnotized tone, and I just remembered who he was!
Harry, the imaginary friend from Old Friend!
It was so amazing!
And the ending! Oh! The ending was incredible!
I wrote "tainted love reaction" from the amount of times I hear the name of the song, but I found another thing.
Bioshock Infinite - Tainted Love 1965.
It was strange.
I'm watching now Hot Topic Rant.
I have my bowels reacting and my uterus is squeezing blood out as well, so I can be sure that I'm super moody.
She argued with some worker about sizing.
I fit to xs (xs adults and 14 sized of kids), and I'm not that small, why? Because I'm in a fucking healthy weight.
She's quite bitchy about the sizes.
They are working with the average, as it pays more, because the sizes between 32-42 (or so) are more sold because many of the population is that size, you are the one outside the norm, not them.
I hate bitchy over/underweight people.
You're outside the norm, fuck you.
I love dis/agreeing with Youtubers.
Anyway, I'm not hearing Katatonia's My Twin, while drawing and waiting for hot topic and The Gremlin Test to load
Okay Hot Topic isn't really understand, a plain merch store with unbelievable high prices.
That's why I love Ebay and have printing papers.
I'm hearing Deliberation of Katatonia, and then I'd hear Type O Minus's Wolf Moon.
Okay, here it goes!
Nope.
I heard another song of Type O Minus.
They aren't the kind of music I like, pun: They aren't my type.
Wasn't a good one but deal with it.
Okay?
I had to do it!
I'm watching this.
One of the first things I've noticed was "EMO LOVE" on her wall, I found it cute, like a strange weird child.
She is almost fourteen in that video.
Anyway, how can you like having your room dark?
How can a person feel breathing when it's covered in darkness like this?
I like my room white, and plain.
Having a dark room is very hard to live with.
Anyway, all of the teenagers with their phases like their ballerina phase, and their preppy phase, and their goth phase, and the emo phase, it's so exhausting, and now what?
Their super-scary immortal witch phase?
Again, the quote if from Night Star page 281.
It's not my first time using it.
...
Back from the Cabaria, we watched a story based on a true story, which involved murder, murder by teenagers, fourteen, and if you'd like search for the movie Buzz, write Israel near it if it won't show up.
I KNOW WHAT I SHOULD SEARCH FOR.
Hot Topic in Hebrew.
I find the teenagers of 2007-10 very funny, it was trendy, but lacks every Israeli stereotypical behaviour, and the ugly Israeli style.
The first four include two of the same post, telling that some skater shop in Kfar Saba is delivering hot topic things (seems weird to me, but oh well, it's Israel) and it happened at 2010, and another was a picture from an article in a website, and another one was from the best sarcastic wikia in Hebrew, Eincyclopedia, and I didn't misspell it.
And it was in the emo category, in the Ein-species.
They have a page of an Ein-species dictionary, like Hebrew-Ars-Religious Level 1- Level 2- Level 3- Gay- Hoe.
I loved it.
I'm trying to find another commentary on the internet about little bitches (and male-bitches) thinking that every rock or post-hardcore band is fucking metal.
Not everything that involves screaming and growling means metal, usually, it doesn't even have to include growls and shit to be metal.
Hard Rock is Metal, not every band whose rock is hard rock.
Wait, I wonder why people are actually against BOTDF, it's fucking electropop, and many like metalheads or even different rocks and post-hardcores hearing them.
What the fuck guys?
That ranter is wrong.
blood on the dance floor rant (read description)
Haters infact make you famous.
Ask Hanin Zoabi, she's anti-Israel, and she's well known.
Myspace? Did he just say... Myspace?
People... Oh... People.
My Chemical Romance was mentioned as well.
Whoever that guy is, I want to meet him, and hug him for inserting a joke.
I'm so happy that I'm not a fangirl.
Just imagine...
OH!
Think about it, if we thought that women on their periods with weaponry can make a great army.
FANGIRLS WITH WEAPONRY.
NO! FANGIRLS WITH THEIR PERIODS WITH WEAPONRY.
Awesome.
I'm going to hear rave indie rock band.
Klaxons.
Why?
I suddenly wondered what was the name of the band that the electronic duo from Britain known as The Chemical Brothers, and I remember that they had something to do with a band that reminded me the name of the KKK (ku klux klan) so I suddenly found the thing that Ii looked for, Klaxons (see the resemblance?) and I just wonder, if that is rave indie rock, then it's pretty interesting.
I'm watching Show Me a Miracle, so scientology themed is interesting.
Now it's There Is No Other Time.
It's like how I'd imagine House Of Agnosia Mixed part.
I got the unmixed in my phone, I need to pick next time the other cd option in iTunes.
From some reason, I have some weird thing in my knee that hurts weirdly when I press on it.
It feels like good-weird.
It doesn't hurt enough to make me cry or stop, it's more like funny sort of pain.
It's in some weird part near the kneecap.
I like it, as long as my body functions well, I'm alright.
I want to hurt myself now for offending people with actual issues, why? I thought about an nonfunctioning body, when Silencewithinme told about his life, and that time he overdosed with pills, and his body was numb and....
I'm so fucking offending, I should die form being such a cunt, actually, no, I believe that I'd be murdered by my eighteenth birthday.
Or that I'd die on it...
Who knows...
Maybe it's just too much Israeli emo bullshit that I hate because they cut themselves usually to be called emo.
I have fucking issues with them.
Why did they have to log into stips and write about self harm?
Why?
So I'd start to hate every single piece of me?
And be a hormonal piece of shit?
Why?
That's how you make sure that the legacy still exists? Because all the other have already killed themselves from the toxic self hatred?
Well, fuck you Israel, fuck you stupid culture, no wonder why everybody hates you, you're effecting your surroundings!
I blame them for almost everything that happened to me.
Eating disorder shit? Uh-huh, them.
Forced to meet an awful psychologist that treats you with one of the things you hated doing since the second grade, it left my comfort zone there. Actually, left is not the word, it didn't leave me, it basically leaped off the window, and disappeared? Their fault as well.
Making you incapable to do many shit that I've just missed, you know, I could just hold a fucking secret about the not very harmful bullying of Noya Brookner, have a month or two of crying everyday after school and destroying my health by having bad eating habits, but no... Let's screw me up to the maximum!
That's all.
I'm done.
Maybe I should finally end it, I'd just say that I began as another number in the unwanted rate that pops out every once in a while.
Hmff... Maybe I'd raise the number of females who commit suicide rather than raising the (already high) rate of females who attempt and fail.
I just can't stand myself, I'm such a shitty person.
I'm giving everything a bad name.
I just don't need to live if I'm that sort of a person.
Oh well, at least I'd pollute the world until I'm eighteen, maybe then I'd be okay...
Even though that on my eighteenth birthday I'm going to cut my skin open again, drink vodka with mango juice and probably watch Suicide Room again, and write a long post.
Including triggering pictures.
Just promise me that you'd stay, okay?
You know, look for a post published on the sixteenth of april on 2019 by my account.
Why sixteenth?
I'm planning to stay up until the wee hours of the night, only to celebrate and tell you stuff.
I just love Infidelamsterdam's channel.
His personality is wonderful.
Why am I even starting with personality after what I just wrote?
I'm tired of doing it all the time.
Fucking period.
I don't want it anyway.
At least it won't start in Hungary.
............
It's a moment or two later, I drew something, I like it.
I like it, after taking the picture I uploaded it to Instagram.
It's inspired by Iain Smith's art (almost coping, but it's my experimenting, so if he'd ever see it, he might forgive me) and the guy wears a Rasputina print.
That's the print: link.
Since I closed Extras (evil laughter) because it wasn't active and it was mostly bullshit.
I'm going to open a page on this blog (you'll see it around this weekend near the other pages' tab) and it'd be art photos, and I'm also going to make a creepypasta link divided by categories and I'd mark them by how much I love them.
I might also do this weekend some subscription cleansing, because I don't need many subscriptions anymore, but I'll do it.
Well, good night everybody.
Happy dreams and shit.
And it's some sort of interview, and even though that I have problems with interviews, because of Bryan Stars (?), and because usually, when it's on parts, one or two parts won't be available in Israel/ Britain.
I changed my Youtube to Britain from that reason.
I wish that I moved to there, but nope.
I'm still here.
Even though that I'd like only to do some walking in cities that were mentioned in my favorite British bbc, The Beautiful People, and also I have an Irish (?) one, Moone Boy.
I loved Moone Boy, too bad it ended.
Same with The Secret Circle, because now, if I want to know what the fuck happens with the Blackwells and their dark circles and powers! I mean, Cassie is staying, that other Blackwell daughter was about to leave, and the other guys were seen as shadows in the last episode!
I wonder if in the book there is that specific end.
I was reading about Rasputina, and I just ended up seeing the "See Also" section in the page, and one link was Steampunk artists.
And I'd probably once give up, and actually hear an album or two from each artist, but, I also saw all kinds of artists who are not considered to be steampunk, but made steampunk music, I obviously saw Panic! At The Disco's The Ballad Of Mona Lisa.
And I also saw something with David Guetta with Turn Me On that was with Nicki Minaj.
I'm watching this video, and I really want to watch a video without the band "Bauhaus" and "Marilyn Manson" because right now, I have the same reaction to them and to Bar Refaeli.
"I don't want to hear anything about Bar Refaeli!"
I almost wrote "Bat Refaeli", too much gothic videos.
Oh! I don't know where I'd go afterwards, I mean, Grunge makes me just want to hit my head on the wall, I'm sorry, but if they are my age, it means that the next generation will be in a very bad place; Punk might have too many or too little, because recently there aren't really punks as it used to be before the twenty first century; Emos there are as well the same options of a punk, but considering that there is a 80's and 2008's youth, it can be very funny; And I can always try a new approach that will be prep!
I really need a new option, because
OH FUCK HE'S BRITISH!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1PygxevCZw
I really wonder why people use make up so much, not related to him, but why?
It's not like your makeup is very original or interesting, it's simply black, and your eye color seems dead, which is not good, it's more like, you don't have any emotion within you.
Like you're drugged on something.
But anyway, good makeup is makeup made by makeup artists.
That's all.
I don't understand what's the part of ripped clothing in the gothic subculture, I have a small problem with vandalizing new clothes or buying already destroyed clothes, but when did it start?
Why did it start?
It's like the trendy ripped off trousers, even if those are jeans or leggings, or the mixture, jeggings, or the male leggings, meggings.
I don't understand it, when it's torn, to me it shows how adventurous you are, that you caused this to happen because you do all kinds of things that aren't very safe, and every torn part is like a mark, same with my leg scars, I treat only my "natural" (?) scars to be this way, and I actually smile if I see a new scar on my knee or my calf or something, I think that I might be too happy for seeing my thighs turn purple again.
It reminds me of the times when I was younger, going through the most powerfully kicked balls, only to make sure that there will be no goals, and that we'd win, the guys were surprised for the first couple of times, but I love playing, I felt respected, like I was actually a member in the team that they won't pick between the first because I have a vagina.
...
I don't react to anything good, so questions are really hard for me, and on my period it's probably a couple of times of worse.
I fucking hate some people...
My educator asked me why I didn't show up and I told her that I'd rather not talk about it, and she said that I really offended everybody and that I should've come and other stuff.
I really hate it when people guilt-trip others!
I'm sorry for hating pools from the fourth grade, and from some insults I've got from the last time I was with my class in an around-water celebration, and from hating my boy and being incapable of wearing bikinis or fucking anything exposing near people.
And sorry for not liking you damn class, the only reason that I stayed is for not making those mid-year class-changing problems.
I never got along with them, and I was a couple of times more likely to think about hurting myself with them rather than almost every other class.
Why? Because I feel more alone, and nothing will stop me from wandering in my thoughts, until I hit the spot, and a wave of nuerochemicals will be released, and you know what? I'm quite tired of the shit.
...
I feel like I'm wasting my time now...
I could've done many things, instead of wasting my time in here, who knows, maybe printing a biohazard shirt.
....
I'm home.
Finally...
I just watch some video against hipster goth, and I'm going to skip it, because I don't like the Youtuber enough to continue, and I need to watch some of the black skinned in all of those cultures, which is a something that means a lot to me, because it's a topic that means a lot to me.
People will always judge me by it, and those people are usually white preppy rich people, I just hate it, they all categorizing me, to be immediately filthy, vulgar, and behaving like their dumb teenage daughters, with having sex and whoring themselves and drinking, it's not a black thing, it's a fucking white preppy shit.
I hate it, why? Because I'm not the so known Ghetto, and it's quite offensive, because they are white trash, and that's like insulting yourself.
The only difference between ghetto and white trash with the fucking skin tone.
That girl is funny, the white trash is calling her Nazi.
I just love people who aren't so aware about the Nazi party, they aren't German, or Polish, or Jewish, or black, or gypsy.
I really hate so many people for that reason.
She looks more like a cop, like, if you'd die it blue and black, it's a classic cop hat.
Or a train worker.
I'm trying to understand what the hell, Goth or Not - TB Show.
I'm going to watch.
Nicholas....
The second one is awesome.
David... Okay... Nope.
The second one is like I have my spirit within me and I have no need to show you to much, it's like more of a cute person.
Nicholas is kind of strange to me, why so much make up?
It's too much.
Oh, his name is Leonardo!
I love Leon, he made some epic thing with the beard thing.
I'm so confused, you just killed her in the moment.
"I couldn't spot a goth! Oh no! What am I if not a goth? My goth traits have betrayed me...".
I Can't Stand Hipsters.
She's so right.
And I love her.
I'm really confused.
Tyra Investigates The Vampire Culture. Part 1
It's strange to me, I find body-mods beautiful, especially of the more mythological creatures, the elf ears are beautiful, and same with some other mythical features, not necessarily like permanent ones, even eye contacts, which I still want to have the Code Lyoko contacts!
But, okay he's charming, and so is Tyra, but it's actually her job, to be this way.
He fascinates me.
I know that you actually can live off blood, as blood has calories.
I wonder if I'm a vampire, or anybody that I know is.
I just wonder, drinking blood isn't that bad, when you actually have a very sweet blood, I used to eat a lot of fruit as a child, and a lot of sugary things, because my mother always gave me a lot of food because I was too skinny, so each time I got injured I loved drinking the blood, it was so sweet.
My smelling is what-so-ever weak.
And I'm not powerful at all.
Okay, that guy starts to freak me out.
But I wonder what's going on.
Seriously, it's fascinating!
I really wonder what the hell.
Blood or spiritual energy.
It's spooky.
I love the female.
In my opinion sex is.....
Oh, she's correct, she just said what I wanted to say.
If there isn't any trust or actual intimate and love, then it's simply fulfilling your needs.
For a second I thought that she was going to cut herself.
WAIT!
Tyra had a show with cutters*?
*Cutters as people who cut themselves as self harm is much more than just cutting, and burning, there's also bone breaking and body smashing*
I need it.
Seriously, that'd be so epic!
I know that scalpels are not painful as you can't feel them, they are too thin and sharp to be felt.
Okay it's so strange, I'm already at part five.
Oh, her daughter was taken away?
Well, you don't let a person who isn't very harmful and is very loving to it's kids to raise them, but you'd let a person who beats up it's kids and hates them and will murder them to raise them?
It's so fucking strange!
Okay, I'm watching her Secret Lives of Teens.
I looked for Tyra cutters and that's what I got.
I got bored so I stopped.
I'm watching other "cutters" shit.
"Real Cutters Cut Deep, You're Just Doing It For Attention"
I feel that cutters cut, and it's right about everybody but me.
I feel like I'm so stupid for cutting, and it makes me want to cut more, and when it's shallow it upsets me because I deserve much more pain, so I need to do it deeper.
I'm watching this now:
"Fake Cutters"
She's so right and lovely.
I won't wear long sleeves in summer to hide myself (when I'm over eighteen) no matter what, I'd probably be in Israel at the time, and nope, I'd wear something so it won't be infected, and I'd also wear a lot of hoodies, but only inside, where the air-conditioning is really weird like between starting an ice age to scuba diving in an active volcano, and I'm not even joking.
Okay, I just love that girl, she's right, and her attitude is like polite but she's standing for herself.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFB83LIqdTs
Watch it and smile.
....
Serious topic.
If you aren't it the mood use ctrl+f or ctrl+g and look for "Purple Square" because it's the end and the beginning of the serious topic.
My self harm bullshit.
You know it's bullshit, I know it's bullshit, they know it's bullshit.
I remember reading on the fifth grade about it, and I said to myself that I won't do it before fourteen, but it was more like saying rather than promising, and same with suicide before sixteen, just that I won't do it until I'm stopping with the hormonal bullshit.
But back to it, a little after the beginning of the sixth grade I was shaving my arms, after being told multiple times that my ars are hairy and in the most insultive tone they've had, and it hurt me, because I felt like I was disgusting other people, which didn't help to my damn "story" from the fifth grade, back to shaving, I remember accidently cutting myself with the razor, and I found myself not even feeling it, I noticed it only when I saw blood.
So I decided to try it, I read about it, and a lot of damn teenagers said that it helped them a lot, and that it gave them a relief, so I started, what was the worst thing that could've happen.
I remember wanting to be considered cool for that shit by the teenagers on stips.
I know that I was a fucking attention whore.
Ever since that I started, I didn't want to stop, each time that I felt something, any emotion, especially hate and anger and grieve, but in a very strong way, like being attacked by it, I cut, I simply went to my room, cut-cut-cut, feel already better, and return to my business.
In some way, I cut to deny any feeling I had.
I was an attention whore that was restricting itself, it was also the second year for my unhealthy eating habits, with not eating at school but overeating and binge eating on the afternoon.
So it didn't help as well.
Same with every insult that was.
Now, I actually explained to you why I feel like a fake person all the time.
I still want to do it, I just need to punish myself for doing it, but I always feel fake for wanting to hurt myself from that reason, so it's awful, because it's a cycle.
Purple Square.
Hocus Pocus, unhappy and serious topics disappear!
I'm watching Ghost Town: The After Party Is Here! and I have some hard time hearing their words because of the background music.
I started thinking about the name Harry, in some frantic tone, hypnotized tone, and I just remembered who he was!
Harry, the imaginary friend from Old Friend!
It was so amazing!
And the ending! Oh! The ending was incredible!
I wrote "tainted love reaction" from the amount of times I hear the name of the song, but I found another thing.
Bioshock Infinite - Tainted Love 1965.
It was strange.
I'm watching now Hot Topic Rant.
I have my bowels reacting and my uterus is squeezing blood out as well, so I can be sure that I'm super moody.
She argued with some worker about sizing.
I fit to xs (xs adults and 14 sized of kids), and I'm not that small, why? Because I'm in a fucking healthy weight.
She's quite bitchy about the sizes.
They are working with the average, as it pays more, because the sizes between 32-42 (or so) are more sold because many of the population is that size, you are the one outside the norm, not them.
I hate bitchy over/underweight people.
You're outside the norm, fuck you.
I love dis/agreeing with Youtubers.
Anyway, I'm not hearing Katatonia's My Twin, while drawing and waiting for hot topic and The Gremlin Test to load
Okay Hot Topic isn't really understand, a plain merch store with unbelievable high prices.
That's why I love Ebay and have printing papers.
I'm hearing Deliberation of Katatonia, and then I'd hear Type O Minus's Wolf Moon.
Okay, here it goes!
Nope.
I heard another song of Type O Minus.
They aren't the kind of music I like, pun: They aren't my type.
Wasn't a good one but deal with it.
Okay?
I had to do it!
I'm watching this.
One of the first things I've noticed was "EMO LOVE" on her wall, I found it cute, like a strange weird child.
She is almost fourteen in that video.
Anyway, how can you like having your room dark?
How can a person feel breathing when it's covered in darkness like this?
I like my room white, and plain.
Having a dark room is very hard to live with.
Anyway, all of the teenagers with their phases like their ballerina phase, and their preppy phase, and their goth phase, and the emo phase, it's so exhausting, and now what?
Their super-scary immortal witch phase?
Again, the quote if from Night Star page 281.
It's not my first time using it.
...
Back from the Cabaria, we watched a story based on a true story, which involved murder, murder by teenagers, fourteen, and if you'd like search for the movie Buzz, write Israel near it if it won't show up.
I KNOW WHAT I SHOULD SEARCH FOR.
Hot Topic in Hebrew.
I find the teenagers of 2007-10 very funny, it was trendy, but lacks every Israeli stereotypical behaviour, and the ugly Israeli style.
The first four include two of the same post, telling that some skater shop in Kfar Saba is delivering hot topic things (seems weird to me, but oh well, it's Israel) and it happened at 2010, and another was a picture from an article in a website, and another one was from the best sarcastic wikia in Hebrew, Eincyclopedia, and I didn't misspell it.
And it was in the emo category, in the Ein-species.
They have a page of an Ein-species dictionary, like Hebrew-Ars-Religious Level 1- Level 2- Level 3- Gay- Hoe.
I loved it.
I'm trying to find another commentary on the internet about little bitches (and male-bitches) thinking that every rock or post-hardcore band is fucking metal.
Not everything that involves screaming and growling means metal, usually, it doesn't even have to include growls and shit to be metal.
Hard Rock is Metal, not every band whose rock is hard rock.
Wait, I wonder why people are actually against BOTDF, it's fucking electropop, and many like metalheads or even different rocks and post-hardcores hearing them.
What the fuck guys?
That ranter is wrong.
blood on the dance floor rant (read description)
Haters infact make you famous.
Ask Hanin Zoabi, she's anti-Israel, and she's well known.
Myspace? Did he just say... Myspace?
People... Oh... People.
My Chemical Romance was mentioned as well.
Whoever that guy is, I want to meet him, and hug him for inserting a joke.
I'm so happy that I'm not a fangirl.
Just imagine...
OH!
Think about it, if we thought that women on their periods with weaponry can make a great army.
FANGIRLS WITH WEAPONRY.
NO! FANGIRLS WITH THEIR PERIODS WITH WEAPONRY.
Awesome.
I'm going to hear rave indie rock band.
Klaxons.
Why?
I suddenly wondered what was the name of the band that the electronic duo from Britain known as The Chemical Brothers, and I remember that they had something to do with a band that reminded me the name of the KKK (ku klux klan) so I suddenly found the thing that Ii looked for, Klaxons (see the resemblance?) and I just wonder, if that is rave indie rock, then it's pretty interesting.
I'm watching Show Me a Miracle, so scientology themed is interesting.
Now it's There Is No Other Time.
It's like how I'd imagine House Of Agnosia Mixed part.
I got the unmixed in my phone, I need to pick next time the other cd option in iTunes.
From some reason, I have some weird thing in my knee that hurts weirdly when I press on it.
It feels like good-weird.
It doesn't hurt enough to make me cry or stop, it's more like funny sort of pain.
It's in some weird part near the kneecap.
I like it, as long as my body functions well, I'm alright.
I want to hurt myself now for offending people with actual issues, why? I thought about an nonfunctioning body, when Silencewithinme told about his life, and that time he overdosed with pills, and his body was numb and....
I'm so fucking offending, I should die form being such a cunt, actually, no, I believe that I'd be murdered by my eighteenth birthday.
Or that I'd die on it...
Who knows...
Maybe it's just too much Israeli emo bullshit that I hate because they cut themselves usually to be called emo.
I have fucking issues with them.
Why did they have to log into stips and write about self harm?
Why?
So I'd start to hate every single piece of me?
And be a hormonal piece of shit?
Why?
That's how you make sure that the legacy still exists? Because all the other have already killed themselves from the toxic self hatred?
Well, fuck you Israel, fuck you stupid culture, no wonder why everybody hates you, you're effecting your surroundings!
I blame them for almost everything that happened to me.
Eating disorder shit? Uh-huh, them.
Forced to meet an awful psychologist that treats you with one of the things you hated doing since the second grade, it left my comfort zone there. Actually, left is not the word, it didn't leave me, it basically leaped off the window, and disappeared? Their fault as well.
Making you incapable to do many shit that I've just missed, you know, I could just hold a fucking secret about the not very harmful bullying of Noya Brookner, have a month or two of crying everyday after school and destroying my health by having bad eating habits, but no... Let's screw me up to the maximum!
That's all.
I'm done.
Maybe I should finally end it, I'd just say that I began as another number in the unwanted rate that pops out every once in a while.
Hmff... Maybe I'd raise the number of females who commit suicide rather than raising the (already high) rate of females who attempt and fail.
I just can't stand myself, I'm such a shitty person.
I'm giving everything a bad name.
I just don't need to live if I'm that sort of a person.
Oh well, at least I'd pollute the world until I'm eighteen, maybe then I'd be okay...
Even though that on my eighteenth birthday I'm going to cut my skin open again, drink vodka with mango juice and probably watch Suicide Room again, and write a long post.
Including triggering pictures.
Just promise me that you'd stay, okay?
You know, look for a post published on the sixteenth of april on 2019 by my account.
Why sixteenth?
I'm planning to stay up until the wee hours of the night, only to celebrate and tell you stuff.
I just love Infidelamsterdam's channel.
His personality is wonderful.
Why am I even starting with personality after what I just wrote?
I'm tired of doing it all the time.
Fucking period.
I don't want it anyway.
At least it won't start in Hungary.
............
It's a moment or two later, I drew something, I like it.
I like it, after taking the picture I uploaded it to Instagram.
It's inspired by Iain Smith's art (almost coping, but it's my experimenting, so if he'd ever see it, he might forgive me) and the guy wears a Rasputina print.
That's the print: link.
Since I closed Extras (evil laughter) because it wasn't active and it was mostly bullshit.
I'm going to open a page on this blog (you'll see it around this weekend near the other pages' tab) and it'd be art photos, and I'm also going to make a creepypasta link divided by categories and I'd mark them by how much I love them.
I might also do this weekend some subscription cleansing, because I don't need many subscriptions anymore, but I'll do it.
Well, good night everybody.
Happy dreams and shit.
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