I can't stand that hour...
Yesterday I woke up at 4:14 and I did as well today.
I went back to sleep, I need to function after all, and my body didn't reject it, so why not?
I'm currently trying to find some bearable reading material on Rosh 1.
Remember it? That magazine I don't have a subscription for anymore?
And Tal doesn't give me her's to check only the music page.
I'm going for the music and not for the MTV, because on the music it's pure music, for all the genres, not like on MTV which is a list of the ten "hip" songs and a couple of information that nobody should care about, and they never mention any of their shows, like Disaster Date, or Ridiculousness, Girl/Guy Code, Sweet Sixteen (the pnk-red fluffy barbie with the daddy issues, love it), Jersey Shore, I doubt that it should be called MTV, it's not MTV's programs.
I just can't stand it when the media pushes the self mutilation behavior to the information load of kids arouNd my age.
I think that I'd have a breakdown if it'd happen.
Even though that I shouldn't be offended, after all, I'm not much of an innocent girl, am I?
I want to cut myself only for doing it in the past, I was so stupid, and I deserve all the pain I can get for it, but I have to cause it.
It's awful, I want to hurt myself for hurting myself.
That's an unending cycle.
http://www.rosh1.co.il/?p=92218 remember
That's the article, if you know Hebrew, or don't mind reading their pathetically written and edited article.
I'm sorry, but it upsets me when insensitive and ignorant (!) assholes are writing and editing the pop culture of these days!
They just wrote a guide for these water fights!
I'm sorry, but don't you remember that not so far long from this very moment, a lot of celebrities joined a commercial, to explain that we don't have much water anymore, and we need to save them.
Do you even care about this place?
I know it's going to be considered a ruin in a couple of years, but come on! At least care for now, you assholes!
And, oh no...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Oa6ardbm28
Remember that girl which the very provocative video?
I don't remember it's name, but I remember her other song "My Jeans", anyway, that's the Hebrew version for it, another fucking child popstar.
I wonder who will hear her?
Like seriously.
I wonder how long will it take until It'll happen in my school.
It will happen, the question is when?
....
Okay, I downloaded the songs of Hacabinet, I personally enjoy it.
It's the very first Israeli band in my phone!
.....
I just can't stop thinking about the unending suffering that will accompany me in life.
I know that because of all the bad things that will happen, I should appreciate every single good things.
But I take them for granted.
I just can't stand this life, yet I drag myself, and I'd keep on doing it, until I'm eighteen, then I'll decide.
Since that from eighteen, I'm legally allowed to do anything, I'm going to decide what the fuck is going on.
I won't even give a fuck about anything anymore.
I'll just try my best to escape, maybe I'd find a way to disappear.
Most chances are that I'd just live in somewhere in Israel (probably an apartment with other people who can possibly understand me, or I can understand them) and have a job as a fly attendant, I'd probably learn what I can about tattoos and work for a local store, and maybe some online freelance job (like blogging and writing about places for websites, or stuff), and I'd just live, until I'd die, maybe marry, and have some kids, maybe join a damn politics group, because come fucking on, this generation is in the way to disaster.
I promised that I'd ask Gal to come to the girls' meet up, but so far, I can't bring myself to do it.
I just can't look into the eyes of a normal person, so how am I supposed to handle a person that I ruined it's life?
It makes me even a worse person...
Okay, I can't.
Simply can't.
How am I supposed to take another five years?
And how am I supposed to do it when soon, puberty will attack everyone... And somebody... Might do what I was always too much of a coward to do?
It's frightening, I know, but it's not that weird.
I don't even understand why am I doing this to myself, I'm just a fucking stupid thirteen year old, beginning my stupiditeen ages.
Why do I think non-stop about the years that will come?
Why can't I just be normal? For one day, without any fucking thoughts that revolve around my own ending, or about breaking a pencil sharpener for that pathetic and dull razor, or about buying a fucking large razor for no explanation for the sellers, or I don't know, maybe to just be a normal good girl?!
I wonder when I'll finally break, and I'll tell you that you can't get out of it alive.
It's unbearable.
I'm going to finish today's post right now, I'm not in the mood for doing anything.
Which reminds me, on the first day of pill-taking my hormones gave to me, a fucking awful depression-like
moodlet (I enjoy using words from Sims, deal with it).
Happy ovulation and a new loss for a possible pregnancy!
I feel so strange right now....
I guess It'll be over soon and it's enough
Wait I got another hour and I feel better, not elated, even though that I'd love that, but better.
Sort of, maybe.
Okay I'm hearing a 5 hours mix of 101 songs.
There are two songs named Get Away With Murder.
I found it amusing, since I have this problem too!
I just looked for the word "end" in my phone, check it up:
The End
End Of Days
End Of The Beginning
The End.
Means To An End
To The End
Wake Me Up When September Ends
I got two songs that have the same name and the only difference in the titles is a fucking period.
A FUCKING PERIOD.
I have two songs that start the same and because of the narrow screen the title contrinues.
All These Thing I Hate (Revolve Around Me)
All These Things That I've Done
I got also a double of Cancer, but it's May Death Never Stop You, so it doesn't count as much, it's like using The Black Parade as well (if it'd happen I'd probably just start to roll and cry because I can't take the names like this anymore).
And I'm not talking about Choopie and Chopie, it's truly annoying.
I also got those Party In The Graveyard songs with Bare Bones and the "Acoustic" in brackets.
Or parentheses, depends when.
I also got two different remixes for I'll Be Gone.
Same with A Light That Never Comes.
Three songs named Mama, what the fuck?!
And I also have Mammagamma but it doesn't count.
On in The Black Parade one in May Death Never Stop You and one in Genesis.
I just can't take it with the remake albums, just imagine it, with You're So Creepy!
In the new one, and in Bare Bones, and in Party In The Graveyard.
The After Party, that's the name.
Two mixes for Until It Breaks.
Okay, it's over.
WOW!
The Hot 'n' Cold one sounds heavenly!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBbn29RXAAE
Song number hundred.
I'm impressed.
I'm afraid that my favorite lyrics website since I was seven left me....
Azlyrics won't send me data and my computer can't process it.
I loved it....
I found Pretty Boy's lyrics with it.
It's quite devastating.
I loved it.
Oh well...
I guess I'm just...
OKAY THAT WASN'T FAIR.
I got three keyboards, if I accidently press shift+alt it's a hell from Hebrew to Arabic to English.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yioQ6jgszKk
You have no idea how much I freaked out, I have enough problems with my iTunes, so I thought for a minute that my computer decided to hate me...
Again.
At least I didn't break it so far!
Wow!
It's actually amazing, my previous one hated it's life so much that it attempted suicide for three times before he finally succeeded.
I'm sorry for sometimes calling a human him/it and sometimes changing genders of objects.
But it's not that bad, it's more like my own choice.
Deal with it, you already dealt with it before, you can do it again!
Okay, why am I panicking about something that will occur in five years from now.. OH FUCK FIVE YEARS.
It's so close!
I remember being eight and I thought that ten years is a long long time.
Oh fuck, why am I so stressful?
Just imagine me trying to explain others why am I so stressed, a person asks why and I'm "I'm just dreading the day when I'd join the army or will have anything to do with it" and that person, and it's usually a person from sixteen and up (at sixteen you're getting something from the IDF for the first time) and it'll be like "Don't worry, everybody does tha....Wait... How old are you?" "Thirteen" and then the other person just tries to breath while it's suffocating from it's ecstatic laughter.
I am pathetic, ain't I?
But wait, if the first one is on sixteen, oh fuck....
Three years!
Well, considering that I'd still be here in three years, we have a little under a thousand and a hundred days until this day.
Anyway, this day will bring me pain.
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