I thought that this day would be good.
I went to school, after sleeping for 5.5-6 hours of deep sleep (because my body couldn't take it anymore, my mind just continued, and it's so weird, I'm only thirteen and I dread the moment of when I'll join the army, even though that I can't believe that humanity can stay that long without destroying itself and start with nuclear attack) I went to school.
I felt very empty.
Until I saw Sapir, and Yael, and Shira.
Sapir is probably one of the two friends that are the closest to me, Yael is in this exclusive club as well.
I asked Sapir today, how is it like to believe in god, she answered that she's very confused, because how can you know that there is, after all, it's where you have to put your faith in, and it's the truth, but science's evolution is also there, but she proceeded to say that evolution is not real, and she can't believe that she'd have to learn it next year (it got in the school program and will start from my year! Maybe it's not completely eliminating beliefs from the base of the country, but it gives another option from just obeying the "truth" blindly).
For me, it was very strange.
You just aimlessly believe in nothing, and it's ridiculous to me.
I'm ninety nine percent sure that god doesn't exist (I haven't read Homestuck yet, I'll talk to you afterwards) but that's because of "who the fuck knows" but I'm hundred percent sure that god, if he does exist, he's nothing like the believers think he is.
I'm not relying on science either, from the simple reason that... I wasn't on earth when the big-bang/any-other-form-of-beginning occuord.
Or was I?!
I'm considering learning how to control physical pain, mostly on a burning sensation kind of pain, like eating something very spicy (master level would be capsaicin, grand master / basically a living god would be resiniferatoxin), or getting lashed and spanked until bleeding, maybe salt and lemon juice in wounds, I have all kinds of ideas right now.
I'm curious, the type of curiousity I have is the type that kills cats.
Gladly, I'm going to keep the lines from The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, when he was about to be executed or something, and before you die, there are two options, you can think about all the good stuff, and be happy that's what you called life, or that your life was awful and you don't have to keep the struggling and therefore be happy again.
Continuing with the story progression, and after tons of rehearsals for the event our school is holding on Tuesday's evening that I'm not going to anyway, I started to just turn myself to auto-pilot and I started to think deeply about everything.
Our existence is after all just a meaningless passage of time, and we usually lie to ourselves that it's not this way, only so we won't feel so empty.
I just can't take it with the hormone pills, I feel like a teenager (or with how the kids are behaving these days - kids) in a truth or dare game, and it's confusing as hell.
Is it the real me? Or is it just the hormones? What if it is me? Does it make my life even worthy anymore? What if those are just the hormones? But I'm planning to ruin my body with an eating disorder and save it if I'd like to, I might be forced to continue with them forever and we all know that with eating disorder you want to die half the time anyway, so is living worth it?
It's frustrating.
Very frustrating.
Unimaginably frustrating.
I
Are those the hormones, or is it me?!
You can't even believe how much it matters to me!
If it's me, and I'd be forever this way, my life is simply unnecessary, because I'm going to ruin the life of the ones who surround me, and I don't want this to happen.
If those are just the hormones, I'd patiently wait, as a couple of years are nothing.
I wanted to translate you a word that I haven't used in quite a while, and nobody did, I assume that it's considered to be offensive, but I receive it as a humorous comment that describes perfectly this age, in Hebrew, there's a two-words that describes this age, I love it, freely translation means "age of stupid-teen" which is amazing.
You know that after every number you add teen like seventeen and stuff? They made it stupid-teen, now, I have no idea who stated it first, but whoever that did it, I adore him.
I checked how many percent is 84 out of 313.
It's over 25.
Meaning, every fourth song on my Music section is of My Chemical Romance.
That's not very healthy.
And even then, I have an album that's missing.
I'm sorry, that's just strange...
OH I DANCED TODAY FROM HAPPINESS THAT LEADED FROM SOME GOOD MUSIC NEWS.
GUESS FUCKING WHAT?
Remember the list or artists....
WAIT!
Reason of cancellation of My Chemical Romance in Israel, was it anti-Israelism?!
I have problems with those people.
As much as I love the music and it's meaning, I'm going to stop supporting them, I can't.
Maybe it's just being too paranoid from fucking Roger Waters.
By the way, Roger, shut your mouth please, muchas gracias te enemigo!
Learning spanish from two episodes of soap-opera and cousins who love that shit.
Back to happy (even though that I'm starting to overthink, thanks to a Greek artist who cancelled his performance in here, even though that Greece is very anti-semite, for a country that's very religious and believe in their Jewish savior, they are very anti-semite) remember the list?!
Who was in there, that I missed??
UH-FUCKING-HUH!
The one and only, the undeniable legend...
LADY GAGA.
You have no idea how happy I am, it's like that the sun just fucking shined from my ass (it's also a common expression in Israel, what can I say? I love slang and sentences that aren't in use anymore).
Sadly, I know that I won't enjoy being barely able to even see her, and the performance, that's supposed to be epic, because after all, Lady Gaga, and those are the same producers that had Justin Timberlake, who was great.
It's also on Sept. 13th, and I just don't want to spend 400 nis to see nothing.
And the close tickets for actually seeing cost 1200, and I'm sorry, not going to happen.
It's not the last performance, and I'd rather go there at some point, when I'm older.
I told Sapir ten minutes ago that when we'll be sixteen, we're going to have a vacation together, mostly because her Bat-Mitzvah trip sucked, she suggested New York.
I bet that Sapir will have some drastic changes by then, even though that she's socially rejected and sometimes it gives her pain, I don't want her to become like them.
It'd ruin me.
And I know that it's so selfish of me, but I don't want me to lose another one, and I don't want to see her world crumbling down, until she'd try to commit suicide again.
Sorry, I've lost one that now hates me, and it's awful, for me, she's dead, that lifeless girl that now can only barely function is far from Gal I know, any kind of Gal I know.
You know what? I want to see her sing once again, a song of Lana Del Rey, and hope that she doesn't pay much attention to the lyrics, nor starting to understand them and love them.
Okay, you know what?
I FUCKING HATE ALL THE DUMB KIDS FROM MY AGE GROUP (stupiditeen, as one word, it's shorter and it works! pronounced as stupidity and ends with in that connects to the y) THAT DOESN'T UNDERSTAND HOW DEEP LANA'S SONGS ARE.
It's fucking sad.
And worse, it's fucking awful.
You just see them aimlessly say "Yay!" and "It's the happiest moment of my life" (I'm quoting, by the way, just for you to know how bad it really is) and they don't even bother to know anything, all they can say is "su-su-summertime su-su-summertime sadness" I'm sorry, but can't you fucking see the title, or that all of you are depressed fuckers, or that you're led by ones, or that the world is just going to go bananas.
Can you be more sheep than that?
Seriously! That's pathetic.
I'm wondering what the fuck is going on!
Kids on my age are raping girls on my age, they hold knives with them (just my opinion here, daggers and swords are cooler), they drink, and even that it's not very new, they smoke.
Wow, that's pathetic, can you not?!
Wait... I feel whole now, I hate posers too.
I'm serious, do you even care about self-expressing or even getting related to them?!
I can't believe that they are shocked that Lana Del Rey is so fucking depressing and they want her to make happier songs.
Have you ever bothered looking into her lyrics?!
She sings like many artists about stuff that probably scared her and that will forever go with her.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aazb8Rt31nk&feature=kp
Just hear it with reading the lyrics that are in the description.
Please.
You can't even believe.
It's about a dead lover.
I'm wondering, how did he die.
I know that her sister committed suicide, and I don't know, maybe people like I don't know HER FANS supposed to fucking try to sympathize.
You apathic creatures are frustrating.
I start to hate more and more people as time passes by.
Some people I just can't stand so much, that their voice physically hurts.
I have a list of females that I hate.
I like to mock their tone from time to time.
One girl was so happy/surprised/combined that I was moving a class (she wants to get into mine) that she said in the weirdest tone "Oh My God" and it sounded pretty much like "Owmahgod" and I just mocked her.
By the way, her name is Gal, her nickname is Verse, she likes to sing a lot, I don't like her, she's popular, she hears Lana Del Rey and doesn't understand the fucking meaning, she's whiny, attention whore, and she wears fuckme shorts quite often.
Fuckme or Humpme shorts will be mentioned quite often, you know them as the shorts that don't cover your butt, and it's not even Gaga's panty jeans, they are seriously marketed and expensive as fuck.
Whisper: Most of the girls from my school that has european and even then, most of them have a flat ass.
Darling, you has no ass, go stuff your panties or something.
Examples:
 |
| HUMPME SHORTS: Studs, bleach, and the American flag, what can I say, way to go America! |
 |
| Not fit enough for a fuckme pants, making her the average hoe, which their style is fuckme pants. |
 |
| Good ass! Way to go you Instagrammer! |
Oh fuck guys no!
Death that accompanies people with a past that constantly sing about death is usually doesn't mean rebirth.
I'm considering to reopen Abarbanel and host myself there, I'm going to lose my sanity soon, too many dumb people!
I GOT 51 ON LITERATURE YOU FUCKERS!
If I got everything correctly I was supposed to get 55, which isn't passing anyway, I don't care.
I got a list of songs that are actually about not giving a fuck, from Tastefully Offensive on Tumblr.
Love them.
They sometimes put Happiness and Cyanide comics's, which makes me happy.
Goodnight guys.
I'm probably going to rant tomorrow about Israeli posers.
They bring me happiness, and it's the worst when they lie.
Dimo have confirmed that he mostly in the emo scene for the fashion (which is really spectacular, I love everybody who expresses itself through the outside looks) and not like that grunge poser.
I'm probably going to invest some time hearing Band 21.
Goodnight!
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