5 to go.

Okay I seriously start to hate myself. 

You know what I'm talking about... Good ole hatred, each time that I make somebody feel something, I start to feel so fucking awful and guilty. 

Needless to say, I have that urge to hurt myself. 

Yesterday I felt the worst I felt in the couple of days. 

I still have those suicidal thoughts from time to time. 

Now I don't, and when I'm with things that I love so deeply or want to be so deeply (but not in some sickening envious way, more like "you're so perfect that I wish that I'd be like you!" Sort of way) I'm alright. 

It's quite sad, but I got it, and it surely counts. 

I'm petting a cat to his sleep. 

His fur is jet black, and his eyecolour is probably green or something but he's asleep. 

I need a pet. 

Preferably a cat or a rabbit, I would love to have a mouse, but it's so tiny that it's probably get lost within my room. 

I would love to have a cat or a rabbit, simply because that they are so cute and calm and they aren't very big and they can just sit on your lap and just simply be adorable. 

I definatley need a cat. 

How would I name it? Cat. 

Or in Hebrew, Khatool. 

I might be too specific but I'd like some cat that is somewhat rude. 

I'd love to sleep with my cat, in my bed, but I'm afraid that it might be too high, maybe adding some stairs?

That would be cute. 

The fact that I've put him to sleep with calmness and that I'm natrually radiating heat makes me really happy; do you know that kind of a smile that proud parents have? The one that they're happy that they made such a beautiful thing and everything was worth it? Well, putting this cat to sleep made me smile this way; more than one time. 

I'm so happy that he's happy. 

....

Okay, I'm now at "home". 

Let me tell you one thing.

I want to go back to Israel, I want the loud missile alarms, the scared people, the World Cup yells or excitement. 

I want all of that stupid things. 

I actually want to go back to my room and be "miserable" and be whiny and bitchy and comfortable. 

Now, I feel exposed, filthy, awkward (not that in Israel I'm any less awkward, but it's slightly different), moody, fat (if not the need to fast from my psychologist, then from myself and my surroundings), ugly, mean. 

I feel like I don't belong here. 

I got around five more days left. 

Each one is a delightful hell that makes my heart burn like a fucking sun

It's fucking wonderful. 

Oh well, only five to go!