Goodbye to my precious comfort zone!

I'm anxious as fuck. 

It sucks. 

It used to be separated, like or that I'm stressed around my friends but alright with strangers, or that I'm stressed around strangers but doing just fine around my friends. 

Now it's both strangers and friends. 

I'm now rocking on my seat. 

I feel like I need to hug tightly someone, and to cry (but then be mad at myself for crying), and to cut myself. 

Yesterday, all day long I had to avoid any kind of razors. 

It was seriously pathetic. 

At some store at the duty free area, I had to stare at the wall so I won't look at the razors and be tempted to purchase some (they were so cheap and inviting!), and when I took a shower last night, I had to look away from the razors, so I won't be tempted to steal and break one. 

I'm pathetic, I know. 

....

It's ten thirty seven, Hungarian clock.  

I finished my first day in here, and obviously, I still don't feel well. 

I talked a lot with Guy and Ben earlier. 

It helped my uneasiness. 

I still want to cut, I assume that I'd stay this way forever. 

I have two coping methods, and I can use only one; the first one is self harm, which I can't do properly, the second is thinking about it, which I can manage doing. 

I want to go back home now. 

I'm really trying but I'm too stressed out, I guess that next year I'm going to stay within the Israeli borders. 

I don't want to leave ever again. 

I just need to stay within my comfort zone. 

I feel pathetic and that my life isn't going to anywhere so I'd better just (literally) cut it right now. 

Well, today we just learned that I cannot function without being comfortable all the time.