Alarms in my head.

I’m bored.
Earlier I tried to activate the new drawing tablet that finally arrived, and it didn’t work, I have a feeling that it works only on Windows 7 and the couple of the ones that are around that time, but not Windows 8, and it’s not fair, if I’m not stuck with it, not being able to work, I’m going to get really pissed off.
I haven’t drawn for such a long time with tablets; I think that I might’ve forgotten how to do it! If the situation is so, then I’m screwed, because I really liked it and I was getting better (it doesn’t mean that I was great, hell, I wasn’t even close to good, but my first ones were pathetic and now it got better, I got a long way to go, but at least I started walking.)
Anyway, I think I’m going to explain what’s going on right now; I’m sitting in a bean bag, my sketchbook is tucked under my armpit (I’m not afraid to lose it, I’m afraid of people to find it), my pens and pencil and eraser are on the fourth ladder rung, and a masking tape roll with the yellow scissors and a note with a simple robot drawn on it are placed above each other on the third rung; my iPhone is on my left hip, the laptop is on my thighs and knees, it’s connected to the charging cable, my iPhone, and my headphones, that are placed on my ears (obviously) and my hair is tied in a ponytail but it’s weirdly sticking out and some hair are stray so I have a large hair clip; I’m tired, my dad woke me up so I’d be able to hear the alarms, which will never matter, I don’t pay attention for such minor sounds, in other news, I could’ve swore that I just heard a boom! Maybe my mind is tricking me, which will make sense, I haven’t got enough sleep.
My stomach aches again, but no period for me… Yet; I need to get it at some point, but don’t get me wrong, it has some perks, for example, my parents can’t set a vacation dates, my mother said that my father is just talking in the air, having no intention to actually do anything, but now they can’t even if they want to, which is great for me, I want to waste that summer break for getting a break of commitment, thank you.

The word commitment made me think about “commitment issues” trait in sims, and that issue in real life, I have no issue so to speak of, but in the day that I got that beautiful and heart-warming welcome back gift from Yael, I just understood how unfair it is; Yael is an amazing friend, caring, loving, everything you’d wish for, an angel as I said before, but I remember saying that every angelic person I meet, tend to make bad choices (the road to hell is paved  with good intentions), like being my friend; I’m an awful friend, and I won’t exaggerate this time, I’m forgetful, uncaring, awkward, selfish (remember this year’s Lag Ba’Omer?), not a stable shoulder to cry on, has nothing to do the  behaviour of youth or their reasoning these days, weird emotional connection issues, (wait! Am I supposed to feel very XYZ because of this?! Oops!) No ability to explain things; In other words, we’re complete opposites in behaviour towards the other.
The funny things, is that there is no much of a reason for us to be friends, and such a good pair of friends! I guess I couldn’t bear having such a perfection to meet every day, so I befriended her before I’d hate myself even more (me being selfish as always.)
Have you noticed that every person that I find perfect is or not what it seems or getting broken.
Yali, Gal, Gal, Yotam (I have so many dreams where he appears lately, in one of my more recent ones I hugged him like I was sure that he died, and I used to have a repeating dream around a month after he left, where he was dying, or to be specific, he did it to himself, I know it doesn’t make any sense, but I never made sense!),  Maya, Maya, Maya (you have no idea how shattered I was when she promised to stay and be there for me, and she left me soon after, just to be with the bitch of a girl named Yali), Yael; and if that’s not enough, let’s just wait.
Anyway, each day I’m starting to get really stressed about school that will soon continue, or about other things that I shouldn’t care about now.
I’m going to sim until I’d be hungry enough for lunch, which won’t take long.
Now it’s 11:27 am.

Now it is ten minutes to two pm, I wasted most of my time waiting for Sims to reload and then restarting my laptop more than five times, so, it was useless.
I’m trying to find some Lolita and doll-styles YouTubers and YouTube videos; so far, it’s nothing that really amazes me, but I found a song cover, the video is named “Julien Dore/Alzee – Moi Lolita (cover)” and the quality isn’t close to good, but you can tell that he’s amazing.
Now I’m at a “Lolita transformation” video, the Youtuber’s name is CallMeHappy.

Now I’m happily wasting my time with watching transformation videos.
If I’d ever make one it’d be from a slob to an acceptable human being, which isn’t that hard.
Fun fact that relates to what I said before: Today is the first day of the summer break where I haven’t put deodorant and my armpits don’t smell like a rotting corpse.
It’s amazing, because usually I have to take a shower.
I was trying to do something, and I decided to put music, but I saw a saved video named “Creeps Episode 2” and I had to find out if there’s another one, so I went to Sunff Bomb’s channel, and I saw “Jeff the Killer Channel Trailer” and it’s really awkward funny.
Okay, I’ve put “Kids Insane” (a band that you should try) on and I’m reading the comments of “Transformation from EMO/ Goth/ Scene to Girly Girl” made by MakeupbyAshley67; sometimes I forget how cruel people can possibly be.
I’m watching “tomboy turned into… girly girl!!” (kaleen jer) which is really rude and offensive, it reminds me of my logic on the fourth grade, I was sure that no guy would like me on the “prettiest years of my life” so I changed, in difference from what she says, the “I’m ugly” thing, I actually felt uglier after a month or two on that pathetic “lifestyle”, I blame the pressure to be the best in that specific way.
I forgot my point, I’m now watching “Pasta monsters part 1” (Snuff Bomb) and I’m going to watch the whole series, I found the thumbnail extra funny, because I was googline “venegenza” and it offered me two options, one is the My Chemical Romance album, and then something that I find funny and it’s the church of the flying spaghetti monster! It reminds me of
 

There was an alarm earlier, I found myself shaking for ten minutes and after twenty mintes or so I started hearing alarms, even when they weren’t there, it freaked me out, nobody on the internet can explain it to me or help me to make it stop (I clearly looked for it in Hebrew, as I assume that in other places there aren’t wars like these) I also heard “booms” when they weren’t there.

I just sneezed two times in a row, if I’m going to have sneezing sessions instead of yawning sessions, then I’m in a big problem.
By the way, I got my period, it’s light and weird.
I was supposed to get my period before my trip to Hungary (if I would remember to take the pills it would happen correctly, but guess what? I forgot); I know that if I took the pills it’d work better, but such a delay, I think that it was delayed because stress, obviously from Hungary, and well, the fucking war!
My bowels/uterus/stomach hurts like hell, or it’s my appendix, hopefully it’s not, Maya had appendicitis, she suffered from it a lot.
I really want some pain killers now, a low dosage, after Ailail told me about her dad’s doctor, who gave him 150 mg of some painkiller for his back pains, and he was stoned for the whole time; the correct dosage is 75 mg.
Oh fuck, it hurts; being a girl sucks, but being a guy is even worse; I mean, girls world is pressuring and everything, but most of things are acceptable, on guys world? Nope, not even close, you’re banned from being considered as a penis-owner if you do certain things, in girls, we can legitimately call it “feminism” “being feminine” or “modern woman”, guys world is different, you can “be a man” and that’s pretty much it; in the girls world, you can be fat and people will not laugh at you as much as they’d laugh on guys, if you have issues that are considered to be more “feminine” then you can’t even talk about it, it’s twice as shameful.

I’m reading the comments and watching the videos from news on the Israeli-Gaza conflict, sometimes I wonder how the fuck can you judge if you don’t live here?! They use people as human shields, children as human shields Israel cancelled so many house bombings because people were still there even though that they called and announced to the people to be away from home at the moment of the attack! They do it because it works.
The people who say that we stole the lands, try “Israel got the land from the UN, the Arabs got an offer sixty seven years ago, they disagreed and started a war, to be tamed, there are areas that are separated for the safety of citizens”… Fools with a keyboard…
Hamas can’t hit Israel because they waste their money on missiles before on electricity or water or food or health facilities, or fucking schools.
By the way schools, in a school of the UN in Gaza, missiles were found in there; now, please explain to me, how the hell are we the problematic?! What the fuck is wrong with people!?!
I want everybody that is against Israel come to Israel, if not to the lovely and rather calm central, then to the south, where you don’t even have the ninety seconds to the safe area of the central, nor the fifteen seconds in some places, the immediate places, where it’s so close that the alarms usually goes off only a second before the bombings or that it starts only after the first bombing.
Other things, that lady is damn right “ ‘Hamas doesn’t care about protecting Palestinians, only about destroying Israel’ – MFA spokesperson “, the terrorists don’t give a fuck about the life of their citizens, that’s why they don’t bother with attempting to fix their damn land, they get free electricity, water, and all kinds of shit, from Israel, they don’t have shelters because they don’t care, in Israel, there are shelters, alarms, the incredible iron dome, which I’ll talk about in a couple of minutes, we don’t want to kill, to be honest, there is no interest to kill, all we get from killing the rather innocent people is the UN getting pissed off, everybody getting pissed off, and well, we’re even more screwed.
Iron dome is the reason why the death count isn’t even close, one Israeli who died on his way for giving food for soldiers (he’s also a rabbi, and he gives a damn good example, I like him), over two hundred Palestinians died, simply because they were human shields and the government doesn’t give a fuck about them; the iron dome destroys missiles on mid-air, which saves a lot of money for the simple people, they don’t have to rebuild their houses, we don’t die like flies from a missile opposed to Gaza.
Thanks to the iron dome, most of the injured are suffering from PTSD now, which is a lot better rather than the things that happened before iron dome.

Some pro-Palestine people are so blind and dumb that it’s absurd; the only people from Gaza that I find bearable are the ones, who didn’t vote for Hamas; if you don’t vote for mass murder for one country only for its existence, then I like you a little more.
If countries were people that I know, I’d definitely be Israel and Gaza would be Yali; I’m the attacked but strong, and she’s the attacker but a good pity-getter, which is pretty much it.
Wow, thinking about it, it’s really a lot alike.

I still can hear the alarms, they are in my head and I know it, but it doesn’t make it any better.
I know it’s not real but I feel it’s real… I HEARD A BOOM.

Okay, in the comment area of this () one suggested “If you want to fight Hamas. Send in ground troops. Don’t bomb civilians and kill women and children. That is just a cowardly thing to do.” You fucking asshole, we had that shit on the war with Lebanon, I’m not sure if it happened on the first one or the second one, but why don’t we want to go on the ground? Because so many die this way, it just doesn’t worth it, go you if you want to, but please, there are so many young men and women there, it’s not okay, do you really just told us to put plenty of people between the ages of eighteen to twenty one, out in the field, to die? Really? Every year, we see it, we have so many songs about it, ones that you just want to cry when you get it, from two hundred and fifty young solider men, brave warriors who came to service and protect the land (some even finished their three years of service, but they returned to help the land), and from so many, only three returned. Out of two hundred and fifty, three returned, so many of their friends died.
I went to ask my dad about my tablet, on my way back, just before I put on my headphones, I literally felt the alarms in my head, on my headphones, I lose sensation and have no idea form where it is, but at that moment, I just knew that this is not fair.

Now, if you were until now pro-Palestinians (or in its meaning: terrorists with the title of pacifists), you can proudly say that if Hamas didn’t kill us, at least they damaged the youth that didn’t want to go to the army from the fear of war and exactly what many people go through now, now they want to, only for making sure that the next generations won’t suffer it.
My breathing is weird, I feel myself breathing, but I feel my lungs barely refilling the oxygen, it’s slow and shallow, probably because I stop my breath for long whiles.
I want to cry, but it’s really hard for me to do so; I want to sleep, but every night I stay after one am, because my body simply won’t let me, I turn and roll, have nightmares, and I just can’t, I end up sleeping at two am on the normal nights, I have no idea when I’m going to sleep.
I know that tomorrow there’s a pretty big chance that I’d wake up from my mother telling me that there’s an alarm, or that I need to wake up in case that there’s an alarm.
Right now, all of my senses are prepared for fighting or fleeing, I’m shaking.
I just heard another alarm in my head, the most realistic one so far.
I hear voices chant “RED CODE” and an alarm in the background.
Is it fair? No!
There’s some guy outside my building with a very loud engine, and I just thought I heard a very loud boom, and I really freaked out; I hate the loud engines on the everyday because they interrupt the day, but now? Now it’s not fair.

Living in Israel has it’s perks, for being close to everywhere, being pretty nice and interesting, but let’s not forget that being close means that getting attacked is easier, and well, nice leads to be fools, and interesting, well, when was the last time that you heard an alarm and met all of your neighbours and some of your relatives that came to stay in your grandmother’s apartment because we got a safe-floor-area which is the stair room,  and they don’t.
At least we’re not wearing gas masks yet, do we? (Awkward and very nervous and forced laugh as a reaction.)

I think that on my first use of the tablet would be making (I’m listening to Mama of My Chemical Romance, I think that or in the music the alarms are, or it’s in my head, or the cats are trying to imitate the noise that the alarms make.) A magazine cover for Rosh 1, which would be great, a special one for XYZ days into the project, including a couple of cool articles:
*The full guide for decorating your gas mask (and it would be the cover photo, it includes a decorated gas mask and the caption of “The new ‘It’ girl must have!” with an arrow for the mask.)
*Pink Bear’s new evolution (from pink bear it became to black bear –which was really awful and melancholic, I understand that mental illnesses are the new ‘hip’ thing, but come on!- to now, green bear): and it’s saying names of celebrities and saying “who wore it better?” with a helmet photo and a tag says “getting on uniform –IDF” which is pretty epic.
*And “special 3 articles for XYZ on strong cliff [that’s my translation for it, so, yeah..] including: What to do when you’re out of anti-panic medication?
Suicidal at the Shelters
Romance under unconventional bombings”

The original idea held five specials, but I’m going to add more and edit more after I’d get my tools ready and watch plenty of covers; maybe adding an interview with band 21 after having a reunion, all kinds of things.

I have to lie on my stomach because it hurts if I don’t, so now I’m just laying my body on the beanbag, if it was on the floor, it would be a great core workout.

Uh, I really hope that the summer break will get longer, because if kids are going to spend their summers in shelters and safe areas, and on medication, then it is not fair, just think about it!
You know what would be weird, if the war would really continue until the beginning of school, and then the online teaching will be real, last time they tried to do it, they failed; From so many kids, the server crashed, which means that it’s a pretty good idea to create multiple servers.
I would love to stay in home and finish tasks this way, easier for me.

It’s now that wonderful time of the year, summer, and instead of being outside, it’s now, the time of the year where it’s the best for leisure time, two months of freedom, but no; now we live in fear of the terrorists, and isn’t it just fucking lovely?!

“Shag your bleedin’ hearts out!”
That was the quote that was in my head for over two weeks, I remember that Haven said it near the end of the book, quoting Roman, finally.
It’s on page 275 of Night Star.
I’m so going to use it later in my teenage tales.
Have you noticed that my writing/speaking style changes a lot during a post? I did.
I guess we can say that it’s helping to emphasize the changes in mood and the phases of adolescents during puberty.
Just look, from a plain girly-girl/preppy/aarsy style to more correct and smart looking, too bad that my basic idea about language is that you should talk and write in the most correct way if you’d like to, but still, don’t give a damn, and when you say something wrongly, just say that it doesn’t matter as long as you understand, speak like damn Yoda or a stereotypical Russian migrant (which speak exactly in the same style), as long as you expressed your idea and we were able to understand it, it’s okay; it was my excuse since the second or third grade, or something like that; the teacher said that a sentence is a words combined together that expresses an idea (probably not word to word, but that’s what I remember), she gave an sample for a list of words that simply doesn’t make sense as nothing relates to anything; ever since that moment, when people correct me (usually for nouns’ gender from my wrong use of adjectives) I say that it doesn’t matter as long as you understand what was my meaning.

In another topic, my stomach hurts… A lot.
So that was what they meant with feeling real pain for gaining real peace (yes, because we totally felt okay with many soldiers dying).

I’m now at the comment section again (because there isn’t anything better than a girl on her period, trying to express her thoughts about the current war that’s going in her damn homeland!).
So many dumb people…
I’m going to make some tea; I need something to ease the pain.
I drank mint tea and I sweetened it with date honey, helped a bit.

I’m going to check up on the blog who liked me.
I guess that I’d never remember the title of the blog, which is weird, considering that I added it as a bookmark.

I wrote her a comment, hopefully that she will answer and help me.
If you remember, my blog was very mean and offensive towards teenagers, but the ones with the right type of humour will get it.
I put my trust in teenagers to handle my humour; oh, I’m stupid for attempting to do so.
I at least hope that the killjoy would offer her help, as I asked her for.
I mentioned that I like the band as well, so I might get bonus point.

I want to do something with my life.
Uh, I need to put the fur to use, and I have a cluttered room to organize.
I need money, but I wasted my money quite a lot.
I really need to get a job for the next summer, or that I’m going to be doomed.
Clothing stores would be nice, and being a barista is good as well, I’d like to do both, I mean, both are interesting, allow me a lot of doing things, both will help me to feed my lovely choices to entertain me and make my time pass during the rest of the years where I’d just have to drag my body between times of joy.
The clothing store has plenty of sizes that I’d just eyeball constantly (oh they got the 000?! Or getting below thirty Europe sizes), models, people coming in between xp (Yael’s size) xxl, and I’m going to just ruin myself completely there, skipping my meal breaks, and lying about everything, wow, it’d be such a great place for doing such silly actions.

The barista would actually be nice, I’d probably just sit, wait for customers, talk to customers, and have a great day saying to people “good morning/noon/evening” even though that they hate people, or hate children, or they are just being grumpy; I’d probably just wait to force people to be nice even though that they aren’t in the mood for it.

Okay, I don’t know about you, but right now, my bowels just made that weird noise, of like liquids getting sucked into the bowel system and it’s so funny!

I’m watching now the werewolf style teens (not to be confused with teen wolf or their fans) and it’s amazing.
I say amazing a lot because there are people who say it in the funny accents or voices, Shani says from time to time amazing but pronounces it “a-may-zing” but the “zing” was like more of a “ktsi” rather than “zi” or better yet “qi” like in Chinese.

Anyway, fuck I forgot, my bowels amuse me.

I’m reading now about the weird cultures.
It’s two am.

Now, I’m going to ask you about the known poems from depression blogs and depression Instagram account, you know… the crying in the three am stuff.
I assume that I’m more likely to cry because “Oh fuck it’s just like in that creepypasta, where the darkness is actually safer because then you can’t see the monsters, and soon the light is here and I can see them” and I’d probably do that, and draw crosses, take the bible, and suddenly believe in god, and obviously chant all kinds of prayers like a mad person; I’d do that things before being depressed.

Back to the cultures, now it’s “Reality: Teenage Vampires of San Antonio”, earlier it was with Wolfie Blackheart.
But it’s epic, let me tell you something funny about the crosses and vampires, in case  I haven’t said it before;  In the school that we visited while being in Hungary, there were a couple of teachers who passed away, and they made a big piece of marble, and they carved into it names and years, on the first three, there’s a birth year, and near it, a cross; I immediately joked about it that they are vampires, and the crosses were meant for keeping them away from school.

Okay, the documentaries in YouTube are great, like, seriously, it’s incredible!
I just love it that they take blood from edgy kids who think self-harm is cool.
The great thing about them, is that they have a pretty good and positive and productive point of view about life, something that I’d probably strive to have.

Okay, it’s great, I love it.

OH IT’S NOT FAIR, THEY KNOW WHAT’S THEIR BLOOD TYPE, AND I CAN GO AND SIT ALONE IN THE DARKNESS AND WHINE ABOUT THE FACT THAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MY BLOOD TYPE IS!

I have a pretty good question, if people ask you why do you have cuts, what the hell do you explain it to them? “I self-harm” or “I have a feline with anger issues” or “I feed my blood to vampires”, either one will end up badly.
They just bleed, and oh fuck, it’s weird.

[Says the girl who asks people to smell her hair and her armpits, get waxed but still wears long clothes, have a lame self-hygiene routine, and well, stays awake on two thirty am.]

I’m not tired yet; I think I’m going to release my bowel area.

I just wanted to let you know that I braided my hair, it’s short and cute, I always love these short braids, so cute and innocent; nothing alike me, more like a hideous monster that hisses on people and jokes with certain people, that is pretty much open about anything (about, I have certain things that I regret deeply, but I’m trying to forget them, because life with regrets suck), so me and cute and innocence doesn’t work.

I got ten minutes until the “witching hour” and I’m still in pain from my bowels and uterus.
I shouldn’t worry about the witching hour; Israel is not a hotspot for that shit, you got Greece for “Harry” the imaginary friend from that cp, and we got pretty much everywhere else for everybody else.

This pain is that kind of annoying.
I know I can make it stop; I can get myself malnourished so my body won’t be able to supply enough things to make my period happen, or take the easy way out, ask my parents for some medication, but I don’t want to get in problems.

It’s three am and I was told to go to sleep because I need to wake up tomorrow at eight am for helping my mother with grocery shopping.

Prettiest years of my life, yeah, totally.