Therian reading (relatively short near my previous posts)

I’m sitting now on the beanbag, in pain, and it’s hard for me to not feel anger and alike of that things that I hate.
I want to get over with it, and I also want painkillers; sadly, I’m too scared to ask, and I’m afraid of the consequences.

I just returned from  grocery shopping, I was sure that we’re going to a place which is in another city, and I just wore plain clothes, and then, we went to another place, in our city, and I was looking on my clothes and I said that I didn’t dress properly for that event.

It’s always the same thin. (I’m watching “Reality: Teenage Vampires of San Antonio” because I got the last five minutes.) The same old thing, which is “Control.” It’s always it; everything’s reason is just to be in control, probably because being in control means being safe.

I’m watching some satire tv program on YouTube, now it’s an episode and one of their topics are the hard-core-religious ones, you know what I’m talking about; they joked that their kids are a lot less shallow and materialistic than our kids, they don’t talk about who’s popular and who’s not, or who do you ignore or not, the Franks are going to another school anyway, which reminds me of a school where thirty female students were excepted (very exclusive one) and all of the Ashkenazim were excepted (25) and only five of the Spanish Jews were accepted.

It’s now quite a while after writing the last paragraph, until now I watched videos on YouTube and heard music and waited for the sims to reload, now, I just received a phone call from Sapir, makes sense, tomorrow is her birthday (I didn’t forget it, I prioritized it, her life is hard, I have to be there for her as much as I can, so far, I believe that she’ll have the toughest puberty, I have plans for her, I plan making sure that she’d never be suicidal again, hopefully.) and I won’t be able to call her tomorrow, simply because of her religion.
In her family, nobody gives a fuck about her, she doesn’t have many friends, so even then they won’t care; she doesn’t deserve it, some of my friends tell me that they hate her, because she was bitching to them, from some reason, I tend to believe that she was affected by someone, it happened with Gal and Yali; people told me that Gal isn’t nice, but the truth, she was more of Yali’s bitch.
 I wish she’d be okay; I would love to tell you that I said so, simply because I’m not as selfish as I claim that I am, but it’s not the truth, I wish for her to be better, firstly for her own health, because she really can be amazing and she’ll blossom if she’d just learn that the world is a cruel place and fitting in is exhausting and just hurts, secondly, because I won’t be able to handle knowing that I killed another person’s soul, yes, I want her to be okay so I won’t have to deal with problems, I’m such a sweetheart. (Sarcasm rates are measured and considered high.)

Earlier, there was an alarm, I got shaky, nothing really new, same old things.
I need something to calm me down.

Oh, I believe that I haven’t mentioned it before, but, my cousin, Eliav, is here! He and his family are staying at my grandmother’s… Wait, I have mentioned it, didn’t I? Oh, I have mentioned that relatives came, but I wasn’t specific.
I was checking on the blog (I wrote band because of a good reason that you’d see soon), and guess what, instead of agreeing to cooperate, she ignored my offer! I feel betrayed in some aspect, I guess I’d just have to put some effort at some point, I guess I’m not built for guiding people, or writing it to them.
People commented; people were cruel.
I don’t want to write to Hebrew teenagers ever again.
Okay, now I feel stupid for being so surprised, what the hell was I expecting? Like I haven’t seen all of the suicide stories involving hateful commentary, I’m being silly, seriously, how stupid can I be, and I don’t even feel like I’m hating myself, I’m plainly stating a fact; I just don’t want to write for unsupportive people in my life again, actually, I don’t want to force myself writing things that I don’t care about.
This is pretty much why this blog is the way it is, the title and url are the same since the day I’ve opened it, the description says “don’t ask” simply because there’s no other way to describe myself and this blog, there’s no reasoning, just expressing thoughts and telling you things from my point of view, and I’m actually glad that you didn’t comment now, what if you’d be really bitchy towards my first girly-girl posts? (Just like me.) Or that you’d be bitchy towards my pathetic sixth grade year (and oh, it was awful.) I know that there are so many things to be hateful about in this blog, and I guess that you’re doing me a favour when you don’t comment.
I just heard an alarm in my head again.
I really feel bitterness inside of me, seriously, I’m pathetic, it’s not even that I have a good reason, I’m just so, and it’s not nice, it makes me hate myself, simply because of my personality, the physical additives are just bonuses.
I want to cut myself, but I just can’t bring myself to do it, it was enough when I broke my promises, I can’t allow myself to break this one as well.
Oh, I just feel plain low, it’s not even like normal, I don’t even type normally; usually, my typing is quick and energetic, now it’s dull and slow, and I don’t even feel like breathing, it’s not normal me, my guts just tell me to not breath, there’s some itch in my stomach when I breath, and it stops only when I hold my breath.
I hope that it’d get over by itself.
I feel like a five year old now, I think “I don’t like you right now” towards myself.
Oh, that’s seriously pathetic; can’t I just grow the fuck up and leave that boring attitude?

Why am I taking it so hard? Just damn three comments, I shouldn’t care; I assume that the fact that I care is why I’m taking it hard, I’m getting upset without me wanting to, it’s not fair, but as one epic teacher I had for around three to five years (Ramon and Ram) and he said for each time that we said something isn’t fair, “Life isn’t fair.”

I have that feeling again, I don’t like it, but I have to deal with it; it’s the feeling of which I should die, as my future isn’t promising me anything nice, or that my fears are making my life impossible to live, and it just sucks, I want to live nicely, at least I have the ability to force myself to forgot as much as I can.

I’m going to waste my time, until I get tired, so far I got to three am without being tired,  I was just told to go to sleep and I’m not going to argue with it, I’m not into problems.
I still feel the thoughts in the back of my head, I can feel like I’m breathing it, it’s weird, but that’s how I can explain it.
I feel weird for living, I mean, isn’t it odd? I feel like something is wrong with my existence, something… Corrupted.
It’s not even chaotic, it’s not in a mess, it’s so organized that it scares me.
Oh well, I guess I’m stuck with myself until school year begins, and then I’d just be focused on foods.
It’s time for some distractions!
I’m watching “Blue Moon’s Pack Day in the Snow”, I’m fairly interested in that culture, and it’s probably one of the better ones I have met.
One of them is a smoker, my parents have an interesting ideology about what if their kids will smoke, my father will care but not extremely bad about it, but my mother said only to keep the smell away, which is what she have done with her smoking father; For me, smoking isn’t a real problem, I have no interest in black lungs, smoking rarely and good things is okay with me, but there are things that I consider unacceptable.
The pack puppies are behaving freakishly pure and innocence… I remember when I tried to do it, because I hated hoe rude I am, it made me hate myself even more, because I felt really fake.
I wonder how can the possibly behave so sweetly, is it normal? Maybe I’m the only one that’s would bluntly say anything and just regret saying certain things five minutes/hours/days/other-time-period-that’s-known-to-humanity.
I need something interesting to do with my life, maybe I should draw more, but I have no ideas, and I’m not interested at doing anything with my life.

Okay, more of Blue Moon’s videos, it’s so cute and lovely.
Let me tell you something, some of them wear plenty of black, and I just wondered, am I the only one who always asks surprisingly why they wear black and I comment how weird it is; part of it is because that I find it amusing that from all people I ask it, and just because I truly wonder, I mean, sometimes I’d love to wear certain colours, but I just feel so awkward, I believe that I look weird and ugly and sickly pale in most colours (and not the kind of sickly pale that I want, I’m not thin enough yet.)
I love some of them; I wish I felt that comfortable near my friends and have that relationship, too bad that I just can’t trust people like the guys that surround me.

I am pretty sure that every Therian that is in a video has a My Chemical Romance shirt on, it’s fucking weird, there got to be something, I was suspecting it, that, or that it’s almost one am, where I have the weird urges to play the guitar, but it’s probably just night and I start with conspiracies.
The girl in “Therian Problems That No One Really Talks About” (howlbymoonlight), well, she said something about the animal’s fur and black shirts, the funny thing that it doesn’t stop in black shirts, I couldn’t wear my favourite sweater in Hungary for a couple of days because the adorable (massive “aww” sound in 3..2…1…) kittens fell asleep on me because I warmed them up and petted them, and they shed a lot of fur on me, totally worth it!
I need to find a creative way for letting my headphones still be on my ears, but still have the ability to braid my hair (I’m being very excited that it reached the length), and that would be a very creative idea.

I need my tape!

Oh, that ShadetheWox guy, I wonder if his really that stupid, I mean, an agnostic who say prayers, to fucking god!
If I’d ever say something towards anything that have suffered and died, it’d probably “Thank you –name of object- for sacrificing your life so I’d be able to enjoy your products.”

It’s time for sleep, my mother said that now 2 am is too much.