Exercise

Well, today I'm going to the gym.
My mother's friend got cancer.
Isn't it strange that yesterday I've talked about how impossible my body is?
My mother said that if you're unhappy with life, illnesses will get to you later.
I'm not the happiest, but I'm not all gloomy either.
I'm healthy minded... For somebody through puberty.
She says that everyday we should do at least one nice thing for ourselves.
Meanwhile, I know what would be nice for me.
Nice amount of healthy endorphins coming out of exercise.
I'm glad I'm in my happy days.
In winter everything is usually more sluggish, probably because of the lack of the most lovely vitamin on earth, vitamin D.
I've read few things on Wikipedia, for example DPD, which is a mental illness, Depersonalization Disorder is the full name and I also read about Derealization, and then I reached to something very interesting.
Isolation tanks.
It seems so lovely.
So relaxing.
At the beginning, they mention that there's the fear of drowning, and you lose all of your senses.
But when you stop fighting to get them back, when you let go of everything, you're relaxing, you're meditating, and for me it sounds so beautiful.
You have no idea how epic it seems for me to be.
I'm considering to give it as a birthday gift for someone, when I'd have money to purchase it, of course.

I'm listening to Widescreen Mode's Dead Inside.
Why?
Disambiguation part on Wikipedia.
They have a single named Serotonin, so it explains it all.
Widescreen Mode is a heavy melodic band.

Well, I just love wikipedia.
 I wonder if there's an album named after fluorine and it's byproducts.
For example, Prozac.
Technically, Prozac or as I'd rather call it, fluoxetine, is made from other chemicals like Carbon and Hydrogen and Nitrogen and Oxygen, pretty simple.



Okay, I'm nervous about going to the gym.
Which reminds me, the fact that I'm always calm and relaxed, I always am.
Even when I'm nervous, it's not hysterical tears, and sobbing in a fetal position, even when I panic it's not this way.
So I'm not as nervous as many people who are actually nervous.
I think that it's because of being raised by two super-stressed parents, and being their first one just made their anxious behaviour worse.
And being a lot around my grandmothers and their siblings, they are so calm, and wise, it's incredible.
And probably being born pretty confident.
I am confident, but it all just fades away under being stressed out.
But on pressure, well, I function greatly.

Oh, I was looking for things on Ebay, and in my recent history searches, there was "unruled spiral notebook" so, I clicked on it.
Just look.

What the hell.
 Not MrRepzion video obviously, the notebooks, I remember seeing extremely expensive plain sketchbooks rather than this.
Oh well.

Next summer I'm going to be able to legally work.
Even though that I'm more likely to get a job at sixteen, but oh well.
I'm going for a young guiders course next summer, it lets you to get jobs easily.
I'd love to work at one of the lovely coffee shops around the area.

...........

After having a long and fun day, I was stipsing around (the action of being on stips), and I just ended up in the sex section, which is weird, usually, on these hours, the suicidal 'ttention whores are awake.
Yes, I just said 'ttention.
And there was one commenter that said that the fact that men enjoys ejuclating in the females' mouths is because of the need for domination.
I have no problem with it, as long as he's not a complete asshole whom I hate (which is not the ideal fuckable person), then no problem.
I personally think the so many kids there are stupid as well, so... I'm going to bed, enjoy some rest.

Tomorrow I'm going to get plucked, also my vaginal area (that's how I call it), which will be painful, and I literally cry.
Even though that it's not so painful if you think about it, it's just your nerves feeling that a layer of skin was taken away, and the hair that was there as well.
It's not that bad.
Maybe it's just me trying to convince myself that physical pain is something truly ignorable, because I usually don't pay attention to it when I bang my head on anything, same with my legs, and arms, and ribs.
My body will react sometimes, but usually I'm completely apathetic, I'm just numb, well, not numb, I know that I've got hit, I just don't feel the pain.
I want to cut and test it, but no cutting until parents are gone from some reason (or that I'm away from them) or until eighteen.
It's a promise.
A better promise rather than my "no cutting until fourteen; no suicide attempts until sixteen", and whenever that I feel suicidal, there are two options, blog about it, remember taking my hormone pills (destroying my health and getting hormones to "fix" it), watching a truly depressing movie (Sala Samobojcow anyone?... Anyone?), or just hearing Tiny Tim's songs.
It just makes you happy.
You can't simply not enjoy it.
So cheerful, and unexpected, actually hearing any kind of songs that is seemly happy.
Bullet of Hollywood Undead, and Great Day of The Lonely Island.


I pretty much showed you in the past two years how drastic changes my life will take through puberty.

Puberty is lovely.
Like tulips.

I just said tulips and I think about my friend, who's life I've destroyed.