Wise Thoughts and Suicidal Thoughts.

I'm watching thirteen.

The resemblance between Yali to Evie is just...  Wow...

At least in the beginning, but at the middle it changes.

It makes me wonder why they'd ask me if I wanted go shopping with them, it's just fascinating, what have they thought?

I have to switch a shirt in my luggage.

My mother does not approve my Avenged Sevenfold shirt.

Or as she calls it, my Black Sabbath shirt.

I assume that the large writing of "Avenged Sevenfold Hail to the King" says to her something else.

And even then, having music shirts is far more normal and legitimate rather than wearing every other hoe shirt.

Seriously, I bet that half of my shirts are so damn common that people will consider it normal.

It's not like I'm wearing an inverted cross with the words "HAIL SATAN" or that I’m wearing some extreme political shirt.

I'm not wearing any sort of a Swastika either.

It's just a plain shirt that tells what music I like, which is pretty much most of my closet,  have other normal shirts, the ones who will be in my house is an experienced mother named Emoke, and she has two teenage daughters (fourteen and fifteen), and she has one son.

She won't freak out.

It's just music; it's not a big deal that you should panic because of it.

And if you think that you should, then you'd have to explain me what the hell are you doing at the twenty first century, it's not the fucking medieval, I'm not a witch, I'm not a Satan worshipper, I'm not here to vandalize everything or to do the so called "bad" actions of drinking and smoking, especially in such a young age.

I fucking wait until it's the time for everything.

And I'm going to wait until I’d be a legal adult.

But seriously, now I have to switch shirt.

It doesn't make me happy.

I'm watching Smiley's trailer, I knew (!) it was Shane Dawson!

I was watching trailers for horror movies that I wanted to watch, Smiley isn't one, but I just didn't mind.

IN THE HALL OF THE MOUNTAIN KING.

It's in Funny Games' trailer!

And that's why I like hearing music, for those movies.

Okay, I love this Funny Games movie.

The trailer seems epic.

Now I'm watching the trailer for the movie SE7EN.

I just love the fact that the Arabic seven looks exactly like "v".

I have not enjoyed the trailer.

Now the trailer of 1408.

Is it Nicholas Cage?

No, only in one scene he looked like him.

I'm too lazy to clean my room or take out my "spooky" shirt out.

Nobody even appreciates the print's artist.

Now it's time for Identity.

I really like those movies where strangers are stuck together under the hands of a murderous entity.

The trailer until one minute isn't interesting.

It's not that interesting.

Okay, the birthday part is actually pretty cool.

I know two people who are in my school with the same birthday.

I'm on IMDB and looking for Horror Comedy movies, the third is Jennifer's Body in the sorting way they automatically gave me.

Warm Bodies is the second.

I watched them both, but Jennifer's Body is better.

Dark Shadows is the fourth!

I loved Dark Shadows! I wonder if there's anything like it, I mean, an actual TV program of a vampire that tries to fit into the modern world.

Shaun of the Dead is ranked number seven, a pretty good movie; it's supposed to be a parody of Shine of the Dead.

Gremlins is number nine, I watched until the middle of it once, I got bored.

Oh!  Fright Night! Wait! There's a sequel?! I'm excited.

I remember the fire scene!

There's a movie named Zombie Strippers! And my reaction is "Oh... Why?" seriously guys, what the fuck were you thinking?

I'm watching now the trailer for Teeth.

Does she have teeth in her vagina?

Okay, I watched Jennifer's Body trailer.

I didn't know that All Time Low was a part in the soundtrack.

........

I just came back from Helena.

Getting my whole body waxed (except from my arms), it was so painful.

At the thigh area, from some reason, I told myself that this pain is the pain that I deserve to feel, and well, it made it hurt a lot less, but when it moved to other places, it was so strong, that I started crying,

My mom told me to stop being such a coward, it obviously made everything worse.

Right now I'm thinking again about suicide, she told me that I always make her life so hard, and that I make everyone uncomfortable.

I feel like it's better to hurt them hard and once rather than to do it slowly.

I will not die tonight, I will bleed.

Fuck promises, it wasn't in my genes or in my way to work by these stupid words.

I want to bleed tonight, I don't even care.

But what will I use?

An actual knife? Or I'll just stick with my old and blunt pencil sharpener razors?

I need cutting back.

I always needed it.

I just can't deal with her anymore.

Earlier, I just cried in my room, my bitchy mother said out loud to my father about how ungrateful bitch I am, in the most offensive way.

I just need to kill myself.

Nothing will ever get better, will it?

And here I am, realizing how true it is, and I'm starting to cry.

I just can't take anything anymore.

I'm considering ending my life.

I mean, it wouldn't be that bad.

Worst case scenario, I'd be forced to live by machines, a little less worse, is to fail and just wake up the next morning like nothing happened, and the best is probably to die without any pain.

Sorry guys, I just can't do anything.

.............

I was punished earlier and humiliated for my behaviour, she will never understand what everything she says make me feel, does she?

The urgency to hurt myself has faded away.

Or maybe it's just the fact that I woke up a couple of minutes ago.

I guess that I'd never be able to cope with pain normally.

Drawing can rarely ease, I'm usually not allowed to blog at those times but when I do, well, I just get reminded of how truly awful I am.

I'm going to spend my life being nothing, after all, there are over seven billion twenty four million other, and I think that I matter, even better, it's estimated that over hundred and eight billion people lived on earth, and I think that I actually matter.

This is so bizarre, so many people are alive on earth, and most of them think that they matter.

Even if your whole city cares, it's not enough, even if your whole country cares; it's not enough, even if your whole world cares, it's not enough, you're nothing in this world in comparison to how many people ever lived.

So why am I still alive?

I have no fucking idea, maybe too much of a coward to do anything.

I just failed at being normal ever since I was born.

I'm just making my theory about the oldest kids in the family seem more true with each day that passes.

The kinds that you experiment with, the disposable ones.

I have seen that in other families, it's not this way.

Apparently, only I find myself worthless, as a mistake that can simply leave, I was used for training my revolting mother and loving father's parenting skills, currently, I can leave, my sister will introduce them to puberty from the other way around.

I just want to cry again.

I think about my grandmothers who somewhat care.

I'm crying.

They wished me to enjoy my trip to Hungary, nobody will know about how I planned dying before it, so I wouldn't have to disappoint the lovely teen sisters from Hungary while they'll won't be able to stay in my house.

Earlier, I heard the usual teenagers, hanging out near McDonald’s.

It makes me wonder, is the youth in our city is actually that happy?

I know that most of the time I'm happy too, I found friends, true friends; these kind of friends that won't turn back on you.

I want to see Gal tomorrow.

I hope that I’d be able to gather enough strength and will to actually see her.

I'm considering asking a friend come and going with me to her, but I know that I can't.

I wasn't her friend for over a year, and a couple of weeks.

Actually, the day that she detached, was the day I told her that I've previously self-harmed.

I understand now why I don't say it to any of my friends, even though that I want to sometimes.

It's because of that the last time that I did, my best friend left me, my "best-friend" revealed her face, and most of my friends disappeared.

I remember the day I've told the other girls, wow, I was just like an attention whore.

I wish that somebody would stab me, such a bitchy girl, a whiny girl, a fucking attention whore.

I feel like dying is a legitimate option.

I haven't eaten my dinner yet.

It’s ten forty pm, and I haven’t eaten it.

I’m going to find something edible.

You know, when I write, the font is “Times New Roman”, and it’s lovely, I’m the kind that enjoys the more “classic” looking fonts.

I like the way that each letter in that font is sharper, in contrast to Ariel, where everything is smoother, it kinds of annoys me; I never liked the soft and smooth things, they irritate me.

You know what I want to eat now? I want black licorice.

Or at least, the delightful Popsicle I enjoyed eating when I was younger, I was the only one who actually liked the flavor, and not because of the eye-popping size or color, it simply tasted good, the other children who wanted to try it as well were disgusted by the flavour.

I want it, it was around six or eight years ago, I remember where I set, I remember so many things, and that my mother never understood why I liked it, she has said it to me.

You know what I think about now?

I think about what if my mother was s drinker, you know that kind of those parents, absolutely shitty, you’ve heard about them, or that you –sadly- were under their hands.

My mother is plain shitty, she doesn’t have to drink to make me feel bad about myself.

The funny this is that my father actually enjoys drinking, and he never makes me feel bad about myself intentionally.
It’s just unfair.
Parents like the abusive and drunken ones give a bad name for many people who enjoys drinking.

It’s almost eleven pm, I haven’t eaten yet, I don’t really want to get up and leave my nice place on the beanbag.

I just finished eating some classic middle eastern meals, a pita (it’s called a Yemenite pita, and it’s also the most known one, it’s different in the size, shape, and flavor from the Iraqi one), hummus which belongs to multiple places, and for dessert, two Baba cookies, classic date-filled Iraqi ones.
I just altered the recipe that my grandmother used to make and I loved to help her.

I’m watching now Josh Orlian’s video.
The Yamaka has a bad name in my life, not as “Oh! Religious is bad!” after seeing so many of the adolescents who have committed various crimes, they usually testify with a Yamaka on their head, or at least –they wear it after committing the crime and sent to explain the story to the cops while being at the crime scene.
I got a good example, once, in the Jehovah page they took a picture and added two lines (like every other acceptable meme) the picture was of the stabber, pointing with his finger while talking to the officer, the first line said “Here’s where I stabbed him,” and the second line was “and then I ran home to put my Yamaka on.” The fact that I’m not even surprised is just sad.
It’s just that it’s so true, and it’s really weird.

I wonder why Israel isn’t considered to be a third-world country.
Why?
Seriously, if not now, then later, the amount of times that I’ve seen gang rapes among teenagers is creepy, and each year, the teenagers and the tweens are deciding to do much more than just a vicious rape.
And I’m going to be in that age group, I know that my city is considered to be the nice, but currently there are many smokers in the high schools, which obviously makes sense, it is stressful, but it’s not a healthy (and usually not legal) coping mechanism.

And that being said by me, but for real, it’s ridiculous.

I’m watching some Onision videos.
I just watched his video about Amanda Todd, he has a point, if it makes you feel uncomfortable then don’t watch it, I see the point, I find how true it is, and half the time, the people whom he talks about are a lot like me, which when he comments about it, it is actually helpful.

It’s the second time in the past hour that I have my water all over my face and torso.
First time I just drank too much and the bottle just splashed me.
Second time, I felt like bits of plastic or something were in my mouth, I assume that spitting it out wasn’t the best idea.

I was on the Jehovah page, he said something about how pornographic and violent the bible is.
It’s true, when was the last time you saw a book that included mass murders, incest, rape, incestuous rape, witchcraft, fasting, delusional people, animal abuse, child abuse, women abuse, and that’s only the parts that I’ve learned, which is not even a half from our education system’s learning topics, and “our” is in the non-religion schools.
It’s insane, they say no to porn, no to abuse, no to so many things, but yes to the bible.
I think I should read it a couple of times only to quote things happily, showing them that the bible allowed it.
Being a smartass