This is me, at eleven fifteen pm, and I’m watching some Dr Phil.
I remember telling you how awful what he said to that anorexic, but to be honest, I was more in a hazy state, blinded by the words of after anorexics, but I truly am into the harsh painful truth, even though that I may disagree with many things that he says, but he’s right at enough stuff to make him worthy to listen to, and he hosts plenty of people with deep stories.
I’m watching “Dr Phil Moms Who Hate Their Own Children 12 November 2013”
But that whole decision is the evolution of my thought of “if I’d ever be unable to function well and become a strain on my family and rely on others for my whole life, I better end them.”
I assume that what I’m saying will sound cruel in so many levels that I would be bashed and hated over the internet and real life, that I am feeling unsafe for writing it.
I deleted it for safety reasons, I just really feel stressed about publishing these thoughts over the internet as I know that worse have happened, and I’d probably end up downing every medication of poisonous object we own, all mashed together in a horrendous juice through the mixer.
I just know that it would happen, and I’m afraid, to be honest, I’m occasionally thinking about deleting this blog and just starting with writing only in word, like a damn journal/diary that I bother to hate all the time.
I’ve opened more tabs with Dr Phil stuff, including “I wanna murder people”.
Since I haven’t watched it yet, I am going to tell you about my idea of murdering people.
I would probably suffer some mental issues if I would, but it would fade away with time and bodies, and it probably won’t happen, because, nope.
I would write unusual ways to murder and sets of murder scenes, and about all the things that you can do with dead bodies though.
Sounds like me.
A lot like me.
I’m constantly thinking about such things, if situation, how to make the best of it, which is super fun, it makes me break into new worlds of interesting things.
And I believe that I should probably have plenty of social circles (I don’t have plenty of close friends, but I do have a couple of rather large social circles and they’ll grow with time) only for doing plenty of the stuff that I’m planning to do.
This reminds me… I need a couple of paint spray bottles and paint respirators for one of the things that Shani and I want to do.
And I also need to have a list of places to do it, or maybe taking a jute sheet or a bed sheet, and just hang it.
He is a violent person.
The guy in the video has anger issues and is violent.
The most violent stuff that I do is probably accidentally to my siblings, sometimes really accidentally, sometimes I just didn’t mean it to hurt or damage that much.
And the most “frantically malicious” thing I did, was actually just a day or two ago, my brother flicked me, and as a revenge, I ran after him, obviously to lightly hurt him to show him that he cannot get away from it.
He ended up crying and acting like I do near roaches (I just repeat “I can’t do it” and feel deep fear and freak out and look for somebody to save me) for an hour.
I just laughed harder each time that he did one of the things; it was so funny in my eyes.
For now, this moment, I don’t really feel remorse for doing so, and I didn’t feel it earlier, all I did was being confused and interested on the fact that I caused him to feel this way near me.
I am mesmerised by that.
Oh, threating on your life if somebody wants to do something is just low.
I just hate these people, and I’d like to believe that if I’d encounter with such person, I’d be repulsed and feel hateful enough towards the person to understand that I’d better do what I want to do.
I don’t think that you can even consider doing giving into the manipulative people, as that is just agreeing to be in an abusive relationship for free.
I remember telling you how awful what he said to that anorexic, but to be honest, I was more in a hazy state, blinded by the words of after anorexics, but I truly am into the harsh painful truth, even though that I may disagree with many things that he says, but he’s right at enough stuff to make him worthy to listen to, and he hosts plenty of people with deep stories.
I’m watching “Dr Phil Moms Who Hate Their Own Children 12 November 2013”
But that whole decision is the evolution of my thought of “if I’d ever be unable to function well and become a strain on my family and rely on others for my whole life, I better end them.”
I assume that what I’m saying will sound cruel in so many levels that I would be bashed and hated over the internet and real life, that I am feeling unsafe for writing it.
I deleted it for safety reasons, I just really feel stressed about publishing these thoughts over the internet as I know that worse have happened, and I’d probably end up downing every medication of poisonous object we own, all mashed together in a horrendous juice through the mixer.
I just know that it would happen, and I’m afraid, to be honest, I’m occasionally thinking about deleting this blog and just starting with writing only in word, like a damn journal/diary that I bother to hate all the time.
I’ve opened more tabs with Dr Phil stuff, including “I wanna murder people”.
Since I haven’t watched it yet, I am going to tell you about my idea of murdering people.
I would probably suffer some mental issues if I would, but it would fade away with time and bodies, and it probably won’t happen, because, nope.
I would write unusual ways to murder and sets of murder scenes, and about all the things that you can do with dead bodies though.
Sounds like me.
A lot like me.
I’m constantly thinking about such things, if situation, how to make the best of it, which is super fun, it makes me break into new worlds of interesting things.
And I believe that I should probably have plenty of social circles (I don’t have plenty of close friends, but I do have a couple of rather large social circles and they’ll grow with time) only for doing plenty of the stuff that I’m planning to do.
This reminds me… I need a couple of paint spray bottles and paint respirators for one of the things that Shani and I want to do.
And I also need to have a list of places to do it, or maybe taking a jute sheet or a bed sheet, and just hang it.
He is a violent person.
The guy in the video has anger issues and is violent.
The most violent stuff that I do is probably accidentally to my siblings, sometimes really accidentally, sometimes I just didn’t mean it to hurt or damage that much.
And the most “frantically malicious” thing I did, was actually just a day or two ago, my brother flicked me, and as a revenge, I ran after him, obviously to lightly hurt him to show him that he cannot get away from it.
He ended up crying and acting like I do near roaches (I just repeat “I can’t do it” and feel deep fear and freak out and look for somebody to save me) for an hour.
I just laughed harder each time that he did one of the things; it was so funny in my eyes.
For now, this moment, I don’t really feel remorse for doing so, and I didn’t feel it earlier, all I did was being confused and interested on the fact that I caused him to feel this way near me.
I am mesmerised by that.
Oh, threating on your life if somebody wants to do something is just low.
I just hate these people, and I’d like to believe that if I’d encounter with such person, I’d be repulsed and feel hateful enough towards the person to understand that I’d better do what I want to do.
I don’t think that you can even consider doing giving into the manipulative people, as that is just agreeing to be in an abusive relationship for free.
My phone alerted me, I got a text message from Dabush, I assume that he tried his luck with
Yael and now he’s coming to me, hoping that I’d allow him to make me want to
hear him, even though that he is such a dick.
Last night, he just didn’t stop with lying, I asked him if it’s pathologic lying or that he can control it, he said pathologic, not only that I don’t believe him, I also don’t believe that he knows the meaning of the disorder.
And he said spoilers with lies, and he said many other lies that just annoyed me.
I am not going to answer him.
I’m going to let him eat his words, and fucking suffer through it, even though he’d probably won’t feel much about it.
I don’t know from time to time why I’m friends with him, or why I’m friends with anyone, as I know that I can probably live while being shut to close social areas, and live more on the world, which means disposing my blog, and moving into Tumblr or YouTube.
I don’t know if I actually want to keep on blogging in blogger anymore, as much as it’s simple, I’m actually considering going into the wild and going to Tumblr.
Which would be really weird for me to start out there, as it offers less support.
In Blogger, you know how many people watch you, there? You don’t.
I am telling you that I’m not sure if I can handle being on Tumblr, but I am considering going there.
I don’t know why, but I think that I’d just grow there, but when I believe that I’d grow there, I also want to let you know about everything.
Last night, he just didn’t stop with lying, I asked him if it’s pathologic lying or that he can control it, he said pathologic, not only that I don’t believe him, I also don’t believe that he knows the meaning of the disorder.
And he said spoilers with lies, and he said many other lies that just annoyed me.
I am not going to answer him.
I’m going to let him eat his words, and fucking suffer through it, even though he’d probably won’t feel much about it.
I don’t know from time to time why I’m friends with him, or why I’m friends with anyone, as I know that I can probably live while being shut to close social areas, and live more on the world, which means disposing my blog, and moving into Tumblr or YouTube.
I don’t know if I actually want to keep on blogging in blogger anymore, as much as it’s simple, I’m actually considering going into the wild and going to Tumblr.
Which would be really weird for me to start out there, as it offers less support.
In Blogger, you know how many people watch you, there? You don’t.
I am telling you that I’m not sure if I can handle being on Tumblr, but I am considering going there.
I don’t know why, but I think that I’d just grow there, but when I believe that I’d grow there, I also want to let you know about everything.
I was drawing, and I made some really weird
characters and scenarios, not the best quality, not the prettiest, but definitely
a beginning.
At first, I really wanted to draw something, I wanted to draw a horned creature, cleaning their horn, which is screwed out of their head, I tried with a demon like creature, I wasn’t satisfied, and I tried to do it with a goat, or a bighorn sheep, it’s a weird combo.
The other things that fill up the page, are characters, human body, an emoticon or a facial expression like this in a ball as a face.
The main three is a plain smiley face, another is with a tongue out, and another is having the comedy-tragedy face. The smiley wears a plain t-shirt and the classic heart boxers, the tongue out wears a dress shirt and a bowtie, with knee high socks, no pants, and the comedy tragedy, he wears a muscle tee and a baggy knee length jeans with tightened and folded ending.
I made another two, females, who I am unsure of actually using them, well, maybe, a combination of them. One has heart eyes, no mouth, and she wears a crop top tank top and Aladdin pants, her hair tied up, the other, well, she has the ex-eyes, two loose pigtails and bangs, like a doll, and I really hate the dress I drew her.
I’m thinking about combining the two.
Oh, I forgot to name the weapons, smiley doesn’t have one that I drew, I’m considering a dagger or a butcher knife, but maybe not at all, tongue-faced has a shotgun, and C/T has a pistol, the girls, one has a pistol as well, and the other girl has a bomb that she bounces in her hand.
I drew in another page a girl lying leisurely on a snail, and one thing that I’m really proud of because I always liked that kind of fantasy style, I drew a turtle with a city on the shell.
At first, I really wanted to draw something, I wanted to draw a horned creature, cleaning their horn, which is screwed out of their head, I tried with a demon like creature, I wasn’t satisfied, and I tried to do it with a goat, or a bighorn sheep, it’s a weird combo.
The other things that fill up the page, are characters, human body, an emoticon or a facial expression like this in a ball as a face.
The main three is a plain smiley face, another is with a tongue out, and another is having the comedy-tragedy face. The smiley wears a plain t-shirt and the classic heart boxers, the tongue out wears a dress shirt and a bowtie, with knee high socks, no pants, and the comedy tragedy, he wears a muscle tee and a baggy knee length jeans with tightened and folded ending.
I made another two, females, who I am unsure of actually using them, well, maybe, a combination of them. One has heart eyes, no mouth, and she wears a crop top tank top and Aladdin pants, her hair tied up, the other, well, she has the ex-eyes, two loose pigtails and bangs, like a doll, and I really hate the dress I drew her.
I’m thinking about combining the two.
Oh, I forgot to name the weapons, smiley doesn’t have one that I drew, I’m considering a dagger or a butcher knife, but maybe not at all, tongue-faced has a shotgun, and C/T has a pistol, the girls, one has a pistol as well, and the other girl has a bomb that she bounces in her hand.
I drew in another page a girl lying leisurely on a snail, and one thing that I’m really proud of because I always liked that kind of fantasy style, I drew a turtle with a city on the shell.
Anyway, I am watching all kinds of videos; I’m probably going to climb to bed and be on my phone, and who the fuck knows.
I got less than fifteen days until school begins.
The last two weeks will probably be the most straining for me, as I’d go nuts, I’d probably have bad time trying to stay asleep during the night because of the stress of not making the homework, and overall “excitement”, and I’d just wish to stay home, and I’d probably be a bit scared and confused when it comes to buying notebooks, as last year, each teacher had her own special requirements after the beginning of the school year and we just had to throw away some notebooks, and it was fucking pathetic that we all had to buy a three subject notebook even though we barely wrote, and we just had around five pages on one of the subjects, and the other ones were filled in each their own semester.
I assume that I’d go like I did, doing the minimum necessary, because I bought it, and you won’t make me overpay for your special requirements, you’re a teacher, not classified to be important enough of strong enough to inflict damage or cause me fear you for that damn thing.
I’m going to grab that notebook, I will use it, don’t tell me that you don’t like, I don’t care, and since I saw how you taught others, I clearly see that you don’t care either, and I’m just going to use common sense and extreme frustration during tests, but still remain honest to myself.
I feel like every teacher hates me for being who I am.
I will not bow to their wants.
They never care and/or understand the problem in being in another school during the year and not having the ability to make up homework from one day to another, and they won’t understand either the fact that if you only talk and read from the book during the lesson I won’t learn anything because I’m not there.
I just hate their illogical standards, the other guy in that class that in this program as well is beyond everything that I’d do.
He goes to study math with an age group above him, he is incredibly smart, he’s a genius, I look like an ungrateful muddy shoe near him, while he’s the glamorous stiletto.
And yes, I just gave you a show metaphor.
I just don’t understand that stereotyping, he and I are very different, attitude, physical skills, mental skills, probably emotional skills as well, so yes, he is better than me in almost everything (I’m still going to win when it comes to pain, if I’d ever give birth, I plan to do give birth as carrying a baby for people who cannot, if it’d still matter when my time will come), but how dare you to degrade him and compare him to me?
I’m just learning quickly and I use plenty of common sense, and maybe a bit of visualising, which is a trait I got from my father, and it usually reacted to fucking bugs, even though that it’s really useful with other stuff.
To be honest, I have no idea what the hell happened that people believed I actually belongs in some places, the sport class, well, it certainly didn’t need me, and I’m fully aware of it, I sort of got a scar that says “Was at the on-hold line and then made it to here” and it sucks, because it means that you wasn’t necessary, I’m usually being amusing for the other ones, and just being that fat kid in it so their name won’t be stained with the underweight girls (almost everyone is underweight, and the girls comparing their BMI, it’s not that I don’t do it, but I don’t shove it into others’ faces!).
I have no idea how I got into the ram program.
I have no idea how the fuck did I even have everything I have,
From the moment of my birth, I should’ve died, and I would have if hospitals didn’t exist.
I need to cut my nails already, if that once
used to be good for applying nail polish, well it doesn’t now, and even though
that I can’t stand them being extremely short (I just can’t clean their
underside when they are too short) I can’t dealing with having them at that
length, I just fear right now that it’d be ripped off.
I was playing AQW today, I really need to
finish this stupid Mytshong chaos lord stuff, I defeated finale chaotic
Kimberly for three times, and it said that it cannot save my progress as some
quests were missing!
The hell?!
I just need to finish it already!
Oh well, I’m going to bed, sorry for not posting a lot lately, it’s two thirty four.
I checked the views, so a welcoming hello to the new Pakistanis and Romanians, all I know about the cultures are actually that British movie about the "Pakis" that lived in England, and the oldest son was gay, and the other were rebelling against the Islam, and the younger brother attempted at circumcising himself, and the Romanians, well I know that mistaken version "In Rome act like a Romanian" which has the stigma of Romanians being thieves, and I know that a couple of guys from your land like to get drunk and mosh around to the music of folk-rock, and allowing a thirteen year old boy with the physical development of a nine year old to mosh with you.
The hell?!
I just need to finish it already!
Oh well, I’m going to bed, sorry for not posting a lot lately, it’s two thirty four.
I checked the views, so a welcoming hello to the new Pakistanis and Romanians, all I know about the cultures are actually that British movie about the "Pakis" that lived in England, and the oldest son was gay, and the other were rebelling against the Islam, and the younger brother attempted at circumcising himself, and the Romanians, well I know that mistaken version "In Rome act like a Romanian" which has the stigma of Romanians being thieves, and I know that a couple of guys from your land like to get drunk and mosh around to the music of folk-rock, and allowing a thirteen year old boy with the physical development of a nine year old to mosh with you.
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