Ailail's cool.

Last night I slept only six and a half hours.
I was to busy with my odd cry to sleep, and instead of nine thirty, it was midnight.
After yesterday's shower I couldn't wait, I had to try and use the scissors.
I discovered that I should stick to simple razors.
Fuck, it really was awful, I'm glad it's over... Even though it's not really over yet.
I got school today, and all I want to do only by the thought is to stop breathing.
I got these periods where I have to distract myself, but afraid that somebody would look at it, I got these people that I need to show them that I'm alright because if I don't, they drive me crazy until I smile at them.
I hate my social life.
Why can't I just be normal and avoid any social interaction? Why?
Oh, I know why... I'm weak, pathetic, a coward.

Why can't I just get up, stop fearing, and finally put it all to an end.
Whether it's solving my problem or leaving it to be.
I just wish it could've end, but no... It won't as long as I'm just crying over her instead of going to visit her.

My stomach is in some weird pain, I don't know what happened, but it hurts a bit.
I want to stop with it.

Maybe when I'll dress up I'd cut myself again, I planned cutting it into a shape... At least it'd look prettier than my ugly light and thin scars.
I planned on a cat or a bunny.
I know, how pathetic! You cut yourself in shapes! What an attention whore... Which I assume that you're pretty correct about it.
I'd be an attention whore anyway, sometimes I hope that somebody will see the cuts and understand that there's an unsolved issue and help me to fix it, but once again, I'm too scared.

I really want to go today and see her.
I really do.
I wish I could also pick up some courage and actually be happy with her again.


Too bad that all of my wishes and these thoughts won't come true.
I'm too much of a coward.



I did it.

It was quite odd. 

After cutting I had to soak up the blood. I had a  roll so it worked... Kind of. 

And it didn't really stopped to bleed so I had to bandage it. 

It's after all the only thing to do at such cases. 

I tried twice to put a couple of squares on it [it was just at the size to cover them up]  and then tape it. 

I failed due the fact that it's too big and everybody will notice it. 

So, a brilliant idea rose up from my head, and I simply applied tape over the cuts. 

It helped for quite a while, but now I think that it doesn't help, because I got dark [and maybe wet?] lines around that area. 

I assume I'd go later to the toilet to figure it out. 

I need bigger razors. 

Mine are so small that I can't actually cut with them as deep and as painful as I wish them to be. 

I'm probably going to spread some of the anti-acne cream over the scars, it burns when you put it on regular skin, but it feels like heaven on wounds. 

It also helps healing sometimes, which u can only tell by the fact that the small scratches on my firsts, I put it to them and now I can't feel anything there. 

I'm starting to see my scars, you know?

I probably haven't mentioned it before, but I do see the scars, and to be honest, I don't feel much about it.  

I mean, I'm not sad, nor happy...

It's just there, it's normal for me. 

I finished school.

I was a bit down at the beginning, worrying that it'll bleed again or that somebody will notice.

But as time passed, you can guess what happened?

I was happy.

I really want to do it again! And again, and again, and again.

I'm even smiling when I speak about it or about other "issues" just like my revenge on Yali.

I'm crooked and I feel it fades away, so... You know what we have to do!

Wait a bit and return to this holy way of life.

Oh, I also have in my backpack the tape I used and the toilet paper I used for soaking my blood.

Life is lovely when you can return to one of the things that makes you happy... I don't understand how I stayed sane during these times without it!

It'd be quite amusing if Keren would notice my improvement and tell me that I'm good to go without being there ever again!

I wish I could have been just sent free and to enjoy what it gives me.

Sadly, people think it's bad.

It's not like I have these huge gaping wounds, a millimeter away from an artery.

I'm making it sound like nothing so I won't have to deal with the fact that it may just be a bit of dangerous at the future.

I'm going to a practise.

I'm back, I was rather happy, but at the end, I felt like a disappointment, because of Irena's words.

"Dvash, you're a strong girl, you can do it without mid-jumps."
For me it can also be translated "you dissapointing weakling, you're a complete waste of times and you're going to fail."

The funny thing is that when I hear these things, I don't even feel hateful or angry about the person.

They are after all saying the truth.

I think I just might cut myself at the shower.

I'm planning on going deeper.

Ailail got a fucking septum.

A FUCKING SEPTUM.

I'm very jealous you know.

But I guess it'll be worth it even more when I'd reach sixteen, able to actually get one legally.

Or maybe I can get at fourteen...

Nope, sixteen.

Oh, fuck, I guess I'd wait.

I mean, it's not that bad, I got less than three years, only two years and a bit less than five months!

Yippie.

I really like Fiddler's Green and Alestorm and Powerwolf.

I don't know how I got there, probably from Fiddler's Green that I got from other Irish and Celtic folk songs.

I fucking love speedfolk.

Why is it so cool?

And there are so many German comments. [The band is German, so it's quite normal.]