Fight.

I have this thought now...
What if all of my teacher's sudden more welcoming and hopeful for me are because of that somebody talked to them?
I don't care how unlikely it is to actually occur, but I can't stop thinking about it!
I have no whatsoever skill or talent when it comes to exercising, and I just got in by accident.
Sometimes I think that I was better without the food, and sometimes I think I'm going to be better this year, so when having these two to think about.... It really doesn't matter anyway.
I'm still a cruel person who hurts everyone.

I can't put my mind away from what Gal R said to another girl.
[I'm bothering with Gal R's name just because she is quite odd and beautiful and a "thinspo" but more of an idolised person]
In one math lesson, she bluntly said "M., your voice is really annoying, you know?"
M. because I won't bother with driving you crazy with the amount of Maya's I have met.
And the most hurtful thing in my opinion, is because she said it like it's a matter of fact.
Theses things have the deepest meanings.
I don't know what I would do if I were her.
It won't be the first time that I hear that my voice is again, so it'll just cut deeper and I'd miss Gal once again.
I might also whisper and remain silent most of the time as well, only so I won't hurt the ears of my loved ones.

And now, I feel like everybody feels sorry for me and that's the only reason behind why I'm being rather well, and only the ones who don't feel sorry are saying the cold and crushing truth.
"Eating all day long..."




Earlier today, I was asked to give the link for the Latin playlist that Youtube offers, and I failed to do so because of the simple reason that on my Google account, I'm from Great Britain [tired of the Israeli bullshit] but I managed to find classical rock.
One of the first options were 2CELLOS.
They are fucking awesome.
I'm actually watching now the full concert in Arena Pula.


Oh, there was a pain level question, mostly about piercings and alike.
I also mentioned that I also think that blood tests are going to hurt a lot, but in the end I just enjoy them and I can't wait until the next one.

Seriously, I do enjoy these.

Maybe it's after that one time that I read that one cup of blood is over four hundred calories, and then it made me think.... If blood is that high calorie... Then I'm losing calories by the blood tests? and remaking them is burning more!



Ok, there are so many "artists" in stips that it makes me feel like I'm in the middle of a hipster coffee shop in Tel Aviv.
And by artists I mean story writers without any idea of what punctuation means, and have no clue about how important suspension is important in rather horror stories, and gothic tales.
And there are the oh-so poetic ones who shock me with the fact that their Hebrew [their native language!] is more broken than what I used to write. And as you remember, I can't write poems.
And of course there are the painters, most of them are or messed up and quite lame, and others are attempting to the realistic even though that it's really repetitive and has nothing unique or some art style.
Cover makers are there as well.
And the is also that annoying attention seeking Videostar maker that I absolutely despise.


I'm listening to Yindy's by Fiddler's Green.
I discovered them last night, they are quite cool.


Fuck, my mother now forces me to sleep at nine thirty.
That's quite awful, I won't be able to sleep and all I'd do is think about the bad things, and then I'd wake up early in the mornings.
She thinks that I refuse to go to school is because of that I'm tired.
Hell, I'm everything but tired.
I don't want to go there because I hate myself, because I can't do anything there but pass the time and lie.
At least at home I can be me, whoever that I am, but at least I don't have to fucking fake and feel fake.
I feel disgusted by myself at times.
I just want to go back in time and have that balance.
But no, I have to drag myself everyday to school and just get unplugged from the world, and just float in my mind.

I suffer there to some extant, sure.
But school is better than staying in a place that makes me want to cut my throat, slightly hoping that I'll die, and if not - put in a place far from here.

I would love to be sent into some odd boarding school.
Sounds lovely.
Too bad that it just sounds so.


I wish I could stop this hell, these awful panic attacks, and the fear or reexperiencing one and that it'll ruin me, because it does.

I have the biscuit wrappers from my last binge, and my sister, brother, and mother [and she hurt me the most] commented on it.
Like it isn't hard enough to deal with myself and my pathetic behaviour.

I just want to fall back to the extremely safe net that self harm offers.
And maybe... I will.
I mean, I broke my past promise with self harm anyway, so to hell with it, right?

I want to go there again.
How lovely it would be, and how lively I would feel.


I'm going to take a shower.


Hopefully, I won't fall for binges.

And you know what's funny, when I eat a lot, my mother would commit these horrible things, but when I barely eat, she acts out and makes me want to hurt her and me and never leave my room again [a bit overdramatic and sylvia-like, I know].
I don't have that really healthy relationship with food.
I highly doubt that I'd ever have it, but fuck.

This year is not the happy year.
This year I'm going to fight.