I'm freezing.
I'm wearing my white hoodie from Hungary, it's my least favourite one, but it warms me.
I don't know if I'm going to cut before school or not, probably not...
I don't know what I'm even doing with myself...
My satisfying cuts won't be able to happen until Wednesday anyway... And even that statement is where I consider that on Wednesday I'm going to Tel Aviv...
I'm amused by the thought that I'd be pathetic enough to try in the bathrooms of the mall... Fuck, I wonder how many did it there, it honestly makes sense that many did, after all... There are people, everywhere, and the stereotypical trend at '07-'09...
I feel always slightly better when I listen to All I Need To Know... I don't know.
I used to have really good times, didn't I?
At least I'm getting some back...
If not from last year, then from this year.
The eighth grade is always the easiest, nothing about the awkward settling into the seventh grade after the shocking tear off from everything we used to do or know when it comes to schools, away from the shake off. Nothing from the odd ninth grade pressure, if you will or won't be in the sports class [it's easier to get kicked out of the sports class in the move between the eight and the ninth grades], and how not, the brain grinding tests, homeworks, and all of the "IT'S PREPARING YOU FOR HIGHSCHOOL, DON'T YOU WANT TO GET TO A GOOD HIGH SCHOOL MAJOR?"
I don't know if I do or don't...
I mean, I have zero plans when it comes to these majors, I'm not a singer, a dancer, musician, or incredibly smart.
Anything we do anyway is load on reading and information, just to go and purge it in the coming test.
I won't end up in highschool dragging my guitar everyday, my sister probably won't do it too, she'll be suffocating under pressure and tears, it's her thing, she has the shitty type of perfectionism.
I'm glad that other helped me to snap out of the no-hundred?-no-pride! thing I had, and it was fairly simple.
"Dvash, you're a perfectionist!" and my mother to agree.
I think that from that day I started to feel a bit of disgusted with my mother...
I would cry every parent meeting...
Sometimes I still do, but I suck it up because it's really awkward and embarassing and then the teacher is all like "What's wrong?" and I'm telling the truth which is, "Nothing."
My parents know that it's actually nothing.
I just get emotional there, and I can only assume why.
I want to cry and sleep now... Oh well, I got my whole life to do so, there's business to do, relief to avoid, money equals time people!
That's really weird when people ask "What's an emo?" and many people, understand that they actually mean to what it actually is, classic ones, the ones that by chronic logic, can be your fucking parents, or grandparents!
But I straight off assume that we're talking about '07-'09, because you won't find other than these today.
And if you do... I'm impressed!
Well, I got a bit of time to discuss other things.
At the Cabria, I mentioned multiple times that Dabush's hair is really hard and painful, so I barely let him touch me with his hair, from the other side, Michael's hair was very soft.
That huge contrast made me wonder, and I figured out he's using hairspray! [it makes a lot of sense and almost makes me want to laugh, because of how obvious it is to happen and I missed it! You have no clue guys how much it fits him to put hairspray!]
He confirmed it, and I asked him to not put hairspray today, I also messaged it to him that I want him to skip the hairspray today....
I wonder if he teases it too...
Sorry, that would make sense too and would make me laugh...
Back from school, I want to talk about it a little... By the way, in the internet, I'm probably the most feminine I can be, with the emotions and shit.
The first period of the day was sports, we had basketball, and at first I messed up in the warm up and I wanted to hurt myself, because it was really awful for me.
But afterwards, I've played so well, I was eager to prove myself, that I'm not as shitty as I always was, and I did, the coach mentioned it, and I felt so much better, I felt like I can actually do something.
Oh, I can't go on now, I'm talking with this guy, he sent me a Hebrew song named "Cuts"
It talks about the very real struggles that real self harmers deal with.
Things that I can never experience, my life is so fucking perfect.
Oh fuck I'm crying!
I'm such an evil person, and Omri knows it too now, I've told him that I got my very best friend, the one that made me feel the best, to fall into depression.
I fucking hate myself, and for once, it's not a shallow hate... It's true, it's deep.
I've hurt so many, I'm an evil person.
I crushed a life with my hands.
I destroyed her future, her so bright future.
I killed everything about her.
She's dead from the insides now.
Why do I always screw up everybody?
What did I do to deserve such great life... Such great options, if all I do is evil?
Maybe I don't even feel, and it's just an illusion, a pathetic attempt of recovering my wrongs... It will never happen as long as I'm like this.
I thought about it, and usually, people don't discover that easily when someone like her is depressed... And it makes me want to die just by thinking about it.... She attempted suicide, and nobody said anything about it, because of how painful it is, so my parents won't make me feel guilty.
Once again I'm too late again...
Too late in understanding the obvious.
I'm always late.
I can never make anything in time.
Why do I even befriend people if all I do is hurting?
Is it some sadistic shit I have obtained?!
What is it?! What?!
I'm so fucking awful, I should be hanged.
I should fucking kill myself and do this world a favour.
I'm not even a human, because no human is that evil.
No human would let that one person in the internet friendship kill himself when he's a couple of hours away!
No human would hurt so many so bad, that they end up corrupted.
I have nothing to offer for this world anymore, all I do is damage.
Maybe this anti-semi dog was right, all I did was to bring demolition for this land.
I should probably just end it with taking another tool.
There are the scissors, they aren't so sharp, but I can cut so much deeper, or I'd cut just like Omri, I'd take my dad's shaving razors and cut with the five... I don't know, all I know is that I don't want to breath.
Why would I fucking bother.
I'm killing people, and that's all I do.
With every horrifying breath that I take, people that I love are in endless misery, and what do I do about it?! Exhale the air I took into my lungs, and continue to live.
And hell, it's not the worst one.
I'm back from a bath.
I've cut myself.
I'm not sure what I feel about the fact that it's my deepest.
Yes dear, I saw my disgusting fat.
I needed just to cut over a cut with scissors, and tah-dah, white and bits of red over it every time that I clear the blood away for watching it, and cutting again.
I'm giving you the things.
It was so weird, because it doesn't hurt as much, now it's alright to cut, and I'm not worried about the boxcutters.
Oh fuck, I'm giving you images alone!
It takes a forever to upload vids.
It looks better in video, I promise.
Well.... Better isn't quite a thing here.
I'm wearing my white hoodie from Hungary, it's my least favourite one, but it warms me.
I don't know if I'm going to cut before school or not, probably not...
I don't know what I'm even doing with myself...
My satisfying cuts won't be able to happen until Wednesday anyway... And even that statement is where I consider that on Wednesday I'm going to Tel Aviv...
I'm amused by the thought that I'd be pathetic enough to try in the bathrooms of the mall... Fuck, I wonder how many did it there, it honestly makes sense that many did, after all... There are people, everywhere, and the stereotypical trend at '07-'09...
I feel always slightly better when I listen to All I Need To Know... I don't know.
I used to have really good times, didn't I?
At least I'm getting some back...
If not from last year, then from this year.
The eighth grade is always the easiest, nothing about the awkward settling into the seventh grade after the shocking tear off from everything we used to do or know when it comes to schools, away from the shake off. Nothing from the odd ninth grade pressure, if you will or won't be in the sports class [it's easier to get kicked out of the sports class in the move between the eight and the ninth grades], and how not, the brain grinding tests, homeworks, and all of the "IT'S PREPARING YOU FOR HIGHSCHOOL, DON'T YOU WANT TO GET TO A GOOD HIGH SCHOOL MAJOR?"
I don't know if I do or don't...
I mean, I have zero plans when it comes to these majors, I'm not a singer, a dancer, musician, or incredibly smart.
Anything we do anyway is load on reading and information, just to go and purge it in the coming test.
I won't end up in highschool dragging my guitar everyday, my sister probably won't do it too, she'll be suffocating under pressure and tears, it's her thing, she has the shitty type of perfectionism.
I'm glad that other helped me to snap out of the no-hundred?-no-pride! thing I had, and it was fairly simple.
"Dvash, you're a perfectionist!" and my mother to agree.
I think that from that day I started to feel a bit of disgusted with my mother...
I would cry every parent meeting...
Sometimes I still do, but I suck it up because it's really awkward and embarassing and then the teacher is all like "What's wrong?" and I'm telling the truth which is, "Nothing."
My parents know that it's actually nothing.
I just get emotional there, and I can only assume why.
I want to cry and sleep now... Oh well, I got my whole life to do so, there's business to do, relief to avoid, money equals time people!
That's really weird when people ask "What's an emo?" and many people, understand that they actually mean to what it actually is, classic ones, the ones that by chronic logic, can be your fucking parents, or grandparents!
But I straight off assume that we're talking about '07-'09, because you won't find other than these today.
And if you do... I'm impressed!
Well, I got a bit of time to discuss other things.
At the Cabria, I mentioned multiple times that Dabush's hair is really hard and painful, so I barely let him touch me with his hair, from the other side, Michael's hair was very soft.
That huge contrast made me wonder, and I figured out he's using hairspray! [it makes a lot of sense and almost makes me want to laugh, because of how obvious it is to happen and I missed it! You have no clue guys how much it fits him to put hairspray!]
He confirmed it, and I asked him to not put hairspray today, I also messaged it to him that I want him to skip the hairspray today....
I wonder if he teases it too...
Sorry, that would make sense too and would make me laugh...
Back from school, I want to talk about it a little... By the way, in the internet, I'm probably the most feminine I can be, with the emotions and shit.
The first period of the day was sports, we had basketball, and at first I messed up in the warm up and I wanted to hurt myself, because it was really awful for me.
But afterwards, I've played so well, I was eager to prove myself, that I'm not as shitty as I always was, and I did, the coach mentioned it, and I felt so much better, I felt like I can actually do something.
Oh, I can't go on now, I'm talking with this guy, he sent me a Hebrew song named "Cuts"
It talks about the very real struggles that real self harmers deal with.
Things that I can never experience, my life is so fucking perfect.
Oh fuck I'm crying!
I'm such an evil person, and Omri knows it too now, I've told him that I got my very best friend, the one that made me feel the best, to fall into depression.
I fucking hate myself, and for once, it's not a shallow hate... It's true, it's deep.
I've hurt so many, I'm an evil person.
I crushed a life with my hands.
I destroyed her future, her so bright future.
I killed everything about her.
She's dead from the insides now.
Why do I always screw up everybody?
What did I do to deserve such great life... Such great options, if all I do is evil?
Maybe I don't even feel, and it's just an illusion, a pathetic attempt of recovering my wrongs... It will never happen as long as I'm like this.
I thought about it, and usually, people don't discover that easily when someone like her is depressed... And it makes me want to die just by thinking about it.... She attempted suicide, and nobody said anything about it, because of how painful it is, so my parents won't make me feel guilty.
Once again I'm too late again...
Too late in understanding the obvious.
I'm always late.
I can never make anything in time.
Why do I even befriend people if all I do is hurting?
Is it some sadistic shit I have obtained?!
What is it?! What?!
I'm so fucking awful, I should be hanged.
I should fucking kill myself and do this world a favour.
I'm not even a human, because no human is that evil.
No human would let that one person in the internet friendship kill himself when he's a couple of hours away!
No human would hurt so many so bad, that they end up corrupted.
I have nothing to offer for this world anymore, all I do is damage.
Maybe this anti-semi dog was right, all I did was to bring demolition for this land.
I should probably just end it with taking another tool.
There are the scissors, they aren't so sharp, but I can cut so much deeper, or I'd cut just like Omri, I'd take my dad's shaving razors and cut with the five... I don't know, all I know is that I don't want to breath.
Why would I fucking bother.
I'm killing people, and that's all I do.
With every horrifying breath that I take, people that I love are in endless misery, and what do I do about it?! Exhale the air I took into my lungs, and continue to live.
And hell, it's not the worst one.
I'm back from a bath.
I've cut myself.
I'm not sure what I feel about the fact that it's my deepest.
Yes dear, I saw my disgusting fat.
I needed just to cut over a cut with scissors, and tah-dah, white and bits of red over it every time that I clear the blood away for watching it, and cutting again.
I'm giving you the things.
It was so weird, because it doesn't hurt as much, now it's alright to cut, and I'm not worried about the boxcutters.
It takes a forever to upload vids.
It looks better in video, I promise.
Well.... Better isn't quite a thing here.
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