Another way out. [and today was my first]

Today I stayed at home, I felt really shitty.
And my mother's words didn't fucking help, if at all they made me feel worse about myself, because they were true.

I'm a fucking burden.
I cause people pain and it was truly better if I weren't here.
Problem is... I can't let go,
From some reason I'm so fucking awful that I can't even let go and let people be happy.

I know that it'd hurt them if I die, but I'd hurt them even if I stay.
So even if I really feel that I need to stay at home and work and get it together, I mustn't do so, why's that? Because I'm disturbing the lives of my surroundings.

Which reminds me, I need to tell Yael that I can't be her friend any more.
I thought to myself that maybe I should take some more time to think about it.
Maybe after a couple of weeks with Flutine [another brand of fluoxetine] or Prizma [this time they were out of prizma, so I got flutine, I'm weirdly emptying half of the powder because I'm supposed to take one half which is 10 mg] I'd change my mind and shit'll be okay.
But on the other hand, I shouldn't let her suffer while I'm hurting her and then confusing and slightly worrying her with my uncertainty.

So, tomorrow I'm probably going to go to school, I don't want to, of course not, but I can't go on letting them to take care of me like that, I'd rather just go to school and fight crying randomly like a little bitch, and want to kill myself so much that I'd consider writing a suicide note, than actually staying and knowingly being a burden.

I'm so fucking tired of shit.
But I got no choice, I'm still a piece of some lives.


I can't find a way out just yet.
I wish there was another way out, without hurting others when I die, without hurting others while I'm still alive, without putting to shame ones, or putting in shock others, I don't want my family or friends to explain why I'm not in certain places any longer, how can I possibly let them suffer again?
I'm too awful to be.

My parents should have done an abortion and say fuck it, because it was actually better if I weren't here.
I'm not even saying it is of my "shitty opinionated and bad felt days" or my even more often "I need attention" days, I truly put deep thought in it, and I'm believing it whole-heartedly, it was better if I wasn't here and I should kill myself.

Oh well, you don't always get to execute projects and do the right thing, sometimes, you just got to wait.