I haven't posted in a while, and that means that this post will begin with an apology.
I know I should have wrote something, especially because of the recent events.
My dosage was yesterday increased from 20 mg per two days, into 20 mg daily.
So far, no difference, but I'm consuming the fluoxetine for less than a week, so I still have some hope.
I just feel pathetic most of the time, sometimes it's in a good way [yes, there is a good way to be pathetic in] where I'm just being ridiculous and I can't even stand the sheer silliness of it, for example, I'm basically about to become a depressed teenager, with stereotypes to follow.
But most of the time is reconsidering my way of dying.
I'm still sticking to the medications [with maybe adding some alcohol?] but I've considered strangulation as well.
I'm not sure what scares me more, the consequences that would be if I'll die, or the consequences that would occur if I'll survive.
They are both bone-chillingly terrifying, I can't stop having these tremors in my neck.
I don't know why, but I got these for quite a while, I'll sometimes just randomly be sitting or standing or sometimes lying down and suddenly, I feel my neck twitching and it's changing, sometimes it's like just to the side or just backwards, sometimes it's a combination, and sometimes it's funny and in a stair-like motion.
Back to less medical information and news...
I watched Mocking Jay, it was incredible.
You know, I thought that the previous movie, Catching Fire was plain crappy [even though that the book was incredible] but this one! Oh, such beauty!
They made it work.
They simple made it work.
What else... What else...
My mood is still crappy, I hope it'd work, it's supposed to just do the trick because they said I'm "depressed" and "anxious", sadly, I highly disagree, but maybe the fact that I brainwashed myself to hate myself for calling myself "depressed" previously, and that I wasn't depressed.
Even though that if that's depression, then it's not really bad, well, at least for me,
I still have found away to amuse or entertain myself, some are awfully impulsive and will make me hate myself, but they hop away quickly as I'm being distracted or anything, sometimes are just some inside jokes with that inner-critic or alter-ego, or however you'd like to call to that another line of thoughts that are from some reason usually in male [I speak in male because of a habit, that's what happens when you hang around boys] and while being a lot alike me, may be very different in certain things.
Anyway, I'm about to go to bed, today was awful in school, because... School, but at least Cabria was cancelled, I was really not in the mood for it and thought about cancelling but it saved me an awkward apology and strange looks.
Tomorrow's Wednesday, I've got no clue what I got this Wednesday, I surely hope nothing, because I don't want to do anything, but the boredom is awful,
Well, the day afterwards is Thursday, and the beautiful Ram is on, I'm going to enjoy this day of sanity and pleasantness go through, [sadly, now I tend to be more anxious when I amuse Daniela and the rest, I used to be pretty okay about it, anyway...] until I got the shitty practise.
At least next year we won't have afternoon practises.
But then Friday arrives, maybe I'd rest at home maybe I won't.
And then the blessed and blissful seventh day, Saturday, and off-school.
My father got a Rugby match, he said that we might tag along.
I declined saying jokingly that I'm trying to get closer to religion and I'm slowly starting to keep the Sabbath day's holiness, starting with not driving anywhere, same with holidays.
Like I've said before, religion has a very specific beauty that makes me enjoy it so much but still stay away from it.
Like the Pitaya plant, a cactus plant that I'm in love with thanks to it's delicious produce, yet, I won't hug it.
I made that mistake one when I was three, not again, unless I'd like to be creative with injuring myself.
I know I should have wrote something, especially because of the recent events.
My dosage was yesterday increased from 20 mg per two days, into 20 mg daily.
So far, no difference, but I'm consuming the fluoxetine for less than a week, so I still have some hope.
I just feel pathetic most of the time, sometimes it's in a good way [yes, there is a good way to be pathetic in] where I'm just being ridiculous and I can't even stand the sheer silliness of it, for example, I'm basically about to become a depressed teenager, with stereotypes to follow.
But most of the time is reconsidering my way of dying.
I'm still sticking to the medications [with maybe adding some alcohol?] but I've considered strangulation as well.
I'm not sure what scares me more, the consequences that would be if I'll die, or the consequences that would occur if I'll survive.
They are both bone-chillingly terrifying, I can't stop having these tremors in my neck.
I don't know why, but I got these for quite a while, I'll sometimes just randomly be sitting or standing or sometimes lying down and suddenly, I feel my neck twitching and it's changing, sometimes it's like just to the side or just backwards, sometimes it's a combination, and sometimes it's funny and in a stair-like motion.
Back to less medical information and news...
I watched Mocking Jay, it was incredible.
You know, I thought that the previous movie, Catching Fire was plain crappy [even though that the book was incredible] but this one! Oh, such beauty!
They made it work.
They simple made it work.
What else... What else...
My mood is still crappy, I hope it'd work, it's supposed to just do the trick because they said I'm "depressed" and "anxious", sadly, I highly disagree, but maybe the fact that I brainwashed myself to hate myself for calling myself "depressed" previously, and that I wasn't depressed.
Even though that if that's depression, then it's not really bad, well, at least for me,
I still have found away to amuse or entertain myself, some are awfully impulsive and will make me hate myself, but they hop away quickly as I'm being distracted or anything, sometimes are just some inside jokes with that inner-critic or alter-ego, or however you'd like to call to that another line of thoughts that are from some reason usually in male [I speak in male because of a habit, that's what happens when you hang around boys] and while being a lot alike me, may be very different in certain things.
Anyway, I'm about to go to bed, today was awful in school, because... School, but at least Cabria was cancelled, I was really not in the mood for it and thought about cancelling but it saved me an awkward apology and strange looks.
Tomorrow's Wednesday, I've got no clue what I got this Wednesday, I surely hope nothing, because I don't want to do anything, but the boredom is awful,
Well, the day afterwards is Thursday, and the beautiful Ram is on, I'm going to enjoy this day of sanity and pleasantness go through, [sadly, now I tend to be more anxious when I amuse Daniela and the rest, I used to be pretty okay about it, anyway...] until I got the shitty practise.
At least next year we won't have afternoon practises.
But then Friday arrives, maybe I'd rest at home maybe I won't.
And then the blessed and blissful seventh day, Saturday, and off-school.
My father got a Rugby match, he said that we might tag along.
I declined saying jokingly that I'm trying to get closer to religion and I'm slowly starting to keep the Sabbath day's holiness, starting with not driving anywhere, same with holidays.
Like I've said before, religion has a very specific beauty that makes me enjoy it so much but still stay away from it.
Like the Pitaya plant, a cactus plant that I'm in love with thanks to it's delicious produce, yet, I won't hug it.
I made that mistake one when I was three, not again, unless I'd like to be creative with injuring myself.
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