Fat-fat-fat.

I want to meet with Shai.
He's eighteen, loveable, tender, tempting, and somehow accepts me.
I know, I'm a fool.
Thirteen and eighteen? What were you thinking?!
I don't know, I just love him, it's not easily explainable and it's hard to pinpoint exactly why, but I'm attracted to him.



This evening my grandmother told me I gained weight.
Guess who is going to take it very hard?
Ummhmm, that's right, this girl.

I wish I would die tonight.

Pain.

I believe I have fallen into a manic episode.
Or perhaps a hypomanic.
Increased sex-drive.
I've been endangering myself.
I don't sleep as much as I usually do.
I regret three quarters of the things I do after I do them.
I'm a mess.
I'm getting a bit psychotic.
Come on, that's not a normal behaviour, that's unhealthy.
I'm surprised, why I don't have a treatment for this hell? Why won't they cure me?
I need stability.



I need to harm myself.
Drinking? Puking? Scratching? Banging? Penetrating?
Numbness, purity, release, punishment, impureness.

Toy soldier awards.

I'm getting better with sewing and clothes designing.
I'm making now a short overall from old trousers.
I've already cut and sewed [quite professionally looking] large pair of leggings in order to wear under dresses and skirts.
I need to make a dress, actually, a school dress.
I basically want to wear dresses to school, but in order to do so, I must print the school logo upon my sleeve, and wear my altered leggings.
That would be beautiful, a school dress.

Last week I managed to go fully on Monday and Tuesday, then mid-day of Wednesday, and finished the weekend.
Today I plan to finish a Sunday.
I still need a reward system that will actually work.
If I manage to go to school for a whole week [six days] I may have this and that.
Or with each day I go to school and finish it [mid-days aren't countable] I may put another button or coin or a toy soldier [!] in my sugar/ coffee/ tea tin, and a prize will be earned.
I'm going to probably add weight loss and Cabria outings as award-able things.
I need to make a reward list.
Oh yes!
Running as a prize.
Fun-day for self-pampering and joy if I do many things.
That would be perfect.
I bet my mum or dad will enjoy it, my mum enjoys my company when it comes to fashion and design and she likes my independence and confidence.
My dad loves the fact that his children are attracted to art, he's willing to get us everything when it  comes to art.
I'm going to start with airbrushing and more sewing soon because of him.

I'm going to finish this day and have a soldier.

I haven't finished the day and I cannot earn my soldier.

Short.

I'm so sorry for not posting, I'm quite busy lately.
Whether it's my internet relationships or my searching for crafts and distractions.
I enjoy the art and my options.
I'm inspired by this dude:
https://www.flickr.com/photos/chrisryniak/sets/72157641863483393/
The creatures he makes are so beautiful, and so complicated.
I want to go to sleep,
Instead, I'd paint or sculpt.

I'm thinking about going back into writing, to be specific Hebrew writing to improve my vocabulary and to widen the spectrum of literature.
I'm going to write something that I find fascinating, the kidnapping of young children in order to make them my slaves or minions.

I met interesting people online, beautiful and gentle ones, each is fascinating, and I enjoy their presence.
Tomorrow I got school, and as much as I hate Sundays, I got to get my shit together.
I need a reward system.

Friendless.

I wonder if today will be a friendless day.

They all ignore me. 

Why won't they? The probably now get how shitty I am. 

Friendless indeed. 

I just feel lonely, but in the same time, I don't. 

They hate me and don't want me to be their friend, so I finally let them go. 

I always got myself for company. 

I got this blog, and soon I'll get my hobbies back. 

I went back home. 

I can't evict the solids from my bowels.


It's nine, I bought bras today, I'm 70C.
I got Das and acrylics, and I don't think I'll go to school tomorrow.
I'm anxious now and I want to cry.
Hell, I want to die.
It's not like it's going to matter anyway!

I guess that I won't go to school tomorrow.
And I won't go to the Cabria as well, I'll just weep within the safe walls of my room or apartment.

I just guess that I died today.

Night.

I woke up at four thirty today.

It sucks but I can't fight it. 

I'm also quiet happy this weekend. 

After the powerless stage that ended at Thursday because I fought it off, I'm doing very well. 

I made my overnight oats last night, made some for my dad as well, I used one full cup of dry oats, so we have plenty. 

My father wants to switch into healthier foods. 

He hasn't cut the fried food yet. 

Aubergine with tons of oil is simply unhealthy, even if you eat rice cakes. 

Such a sad-people's food...

Rice cakes simply make you unhappy. Dieting and weight loss isn't good if you don't enjoy doing it. 

Sometimes, diets look like self-punishment to me. 

All they eat is sadness, and let me tell you, it gets worse when you see that the scale is going down slowly. 

I am a proud member of the people who enjoy healthy foods and unhealthy in a mix that promises nice lives, happy tongues, and even more merry stomachs. 

My stomach is happy when I eat something that tastes good and quite healthy, and easy to digest. 

A vegan burger for example, no need to be acidic because there are no meats or live products, healthy amount of fresh veggies, and protein, but a lot of other "bad" things. 

At most, what I do is to reduce my sodium amounts [I avoid using salt for seasoning] and I kind of watch my intake but I can't control it anyway, but I do get quite upset if I consume over the amount I want to eat. 

I finally found my old storage cloud, Copy.
I'm trying to get out some of my ruined images so I'd be able to print them.
I got too many files so it is barely buffering.
I'm deleting all my crappy self-portraits and other silly things from my previous teenage phases.
Even though that I'm falling into another one, I'm not sure what it is, but I like my nails to be claw-like for now.

Well, the day is over, I didn't do much. 

I am quite happy, so good night!

I blow.

I really suck at blowjobs for now [I enjoyed the pun] but I'll get better as time will pass. 

Sadly, he has the ability the last for quite a time, and I sort of manipulated him to allow me to do so. 

His sperm, fuck, I didn't know that it can taste so... Beautiful. A salty tinge with a bit of unknown but lovely flavour.

I wanted him to come in my mouth and I don't regret anything. 

At first, he tried to convince me to ask my parents to go to McDonald's and I told him that they won't agree, I begged him for one suck and I did three while gagging on him, he enjoyed it. 

He refused to continue at first, afraid that we'd be caught. 

After five minutes of pleading, I lowered his trousers and his boxers and went down on him, after that, we were on and off until his gorgeous cock ejuclated in my mouth. 

He was slightly shy at first, but I'll make him own up. 

He asked me if he can finger Ms, I told him that he may, and fuck, he'll have to see it next time to understand fully, but I was so wet that I could push three fingers in. 

He wanted to fondly my breasts, next time that we'd have our ways with each other in going to be nude, ready for pleasuring him. 

I'm a cock-hungry slut. 

By my hymen is for my master, he will be the first to claim me. 

I'm a whore.

Another sleepless night.

I'll try to fall asleep, but I can't do anything to foolproof the method. 

I got a Hebrew exam on the third and fourth period. 

I really don't feel like doing anything at fucking all today. 

After failing on my math exam and my teacher's refusal of putting me into A or B, I'm stuck where I don't belong, at AA. 

In case it isn't clear B<A<AA. 

It sucks, I'm an embarrassment. 

Almost everybody else got a higher grade, most of them got nineties. 

I feel like I'm going to fail at every single thing I'll do. 

Why won't I?

I miss school too many times [over hundred absences of periods] I never study, I'm too fucking anxious to do anything in front of the class and I almost burst in tears if I have to say something out loud and get heat flashes, I don't get to sleep often enough to function properly, my body basically breaks asunder at every physical education period, I hunt for trouble, just in order to torture me more and more, that is the only "logical" explanation for my actions.  

I'm listening to Kings of Medicine, I guess I'll go next for some Fearless Vampire Killers songs. 

I don't like the time, three thirteen am, I gave up on attempting to fall asleep at one thirty. 

It's crazy, all I do now is what I always did to mask myself, behave in some childish and rawly honest. 

I find the honesty wonderful, it's a lot easier, but the childish that is simply not me, not-so wonderful. 

I'm going to try again.


I didn't sleep.
This morning I received some bad news.
I have missed forty percent of the practises.
Basically, if you miss a third of the practises you're out.
Well, your loser may be kicked out.

Hey, it's bad again. 

I need to set a date. 

I need to end myself. 

What will I do? Jump? Stab? Drink? Choke? What will it be?

I have made it quite clear that I don't deserve to live, and all I do is bring harm. 

Finally, I need to get rid of everything. 

Everybody hates me, like they should, and I need to end this. 

I am a failure and the only depressing thing about it is that I'm still alive. 

I cling onto this awesome life even though that I can't enjoy something that doesn't belong to me. 

It's my fault, everything that happens is somehow my fault, even if it's completely nonsense it's my fucking fault. 

My "friends" are ignoring me. 

Such a surprise, who wouldn't want to stick around with a bitter asshole?

Nobody cares and it would be truly better if I weren't here. 

I'm so selfish, always thinking about myself. 

Another reason why it would be better if I weren't alive. 

Everybody hates every second they are with me and they'd obviously rather to live without me, and I just should do the sindle nice thing I can do for them. 

Kill myself. 

I've already noticed the drop of the views, I'm glad that you start hating me too, I'm. A boring piece of shit, all woe an misery, I should fucking end it. 

I'm sorry for the rant. 

I talked to Sapir earlier, I asked her if she knows the feelings that I've listed, she said she didn't but this "curse" is named depression.  

The psychiatrist prescribed another pill and she thinks about increasing my forty into fifty. 

My rather frisky side found a potential master, currently will be called as a lover or a fuckbuddy. 

He's quite large for our age and his head is so beautiful, just makes you want to suck it and feel it filling you up to the brim!

The lover himself is quite a looker with a killer body, makes me to lick him all over tha place, he even called me a slave. 

He slowly starts to understand how to e a master, and if our plan would flow correctly, I'll be sucking him and maybe having anal with him tomorrow.

Yes, the submissive whore is throwing herself over her master, how shocking. 

But, if you'd see him and his abilities,  you'd probably want him too. 

Today I made him pop a boner, I just soaked my knickers. 

And I did now, I sexted him, he says he likes my body, and I can't wait for the moment he'll use me. 

He sent me a picture of his beautiful cock and he had precum, I just want to take him out of school and fuck him silly. 

His delicious dick abusing every hole I own. 

I hope he'll let me suck him and maybe even steal a passionate kiss. 

He's into spanking my butt, I hope he's do it hard and painful. 

I'm going to enjoy him tomorrow, I got science period with him and we usually  talk, dirtly, and I try to make him have an erection so I'd manage to see the concealed penis pushing against the fabric. 

He makes my mouth water, I really hope I'd get him buried deep in my throat tomorrow 

Hatred fifty one.

I really hate breakfasts now.

Why? Because I have to be awake at certain hours. 

Oh, oops, I scratched a bit too well the area where I can wrap my fingers around my thigh. 

A bit over a third. 

I'm going to eat breakfast and do my usual day routine. 

Play sims, listen to podcasts or songs, maybe catch up with the news, read my book, maybe bake cookies, but I might as well make scones, even though that I think I lost the recipe.

I'm a really shitty person, I want to climb up to the bed, continue my self-loathing list and maybe sleep.

I couldn't fall asleep.
I was brought back to the livingroom, only to be criticised for every single thing I do and guess what?
Hospitalisation seems better with every passing day.
I think I might try again today.
I can't go on, it's truly better if I weren't here, everybody will have easy life and I won't be here at all.
They'd all go and grow beautifully, while my remains decay underground.

I mustn't stay for long.


I'm reconsidering selling myself.
Become a target, allow people to offend me freely, to add to the undying fire of hatred.

Not only that I've hurt everyone who was with me, I managed to even make my failure and stupidity more visible. 

I failed on my math test. 

51.

Yes, fifty one. 

And I thought I was doing well. 

I guess it doesn't really matter, I plan on dying. 

I got no purpose, I'm a shitty person, I can't even properly inflict damage upon my body, I might as well end everything. 

I don't want to go to school tomorrow, everyone is going to laugh at me, call me stupid, mention that my grades are getting lower and lower [that thing fucking happened!], hear the teachers being disappointed with my place at their AA classroom. 

I'm dumb as a shoe. 

My IQ is probably a negative one thirty, I'm so stupid that I made it to a fucking negative. 

I want to die so badly, but the fact that my breathing tortures me, makes it somewhat bearable. 

The closest thing to a punishment.  

Even the "ultimate price" isn't enough for what I shall suffer. 

I wish you well, I guess that's the nicest thing I did all day. 

Hell, in the past month. 

Burning.

I've got a test today.
I don't want to go to school because I fucking hate living, and I'd rather cradle up in a ball and rest within a blanket cocoon than go and "live" another day.
I at least got some sleep, about four hours or so.
That's an improvement!
But oh, how I want to just end myself, I'm nothing anyway, I don't think I can ever be "normal" and worry about the other gender, worry about school and exams, worry about having children and about future mates.
I'm an error, that's the only way to describe me.
I'm not supposed to be here, at all.

Bible in hand and phone in the other, I'm going to take an exam. 

I believe I did very well, I even did the book report, I thought I failed, big time, but the teacher and the students said that it was amazing. 

I'm now burning my breakfast on that awesome stair thingy. 

I think that if finish my fifteen minutes  I'd do the treadmill. 

Nine minutes and  hundred and thirty calories. 

I love that machine. 

Stair climber. 

My right foot is aching. 

Maybe I'd go for the eliptical. 

Two forty two so far. 

And counting, I'm on the eliptical. 

The scale hear told me I indeed lost weight, I hope it lied. 

Two sixty four. 

I burnt my breakfast. 

A bit more honestly. 

I'm more than pathetic. 

Attempting to lose weight, why for?! So I'd disappear? How cowardly and stupid! Just finish your life, you know you don't belong here. 

Two eighty. 

I have a page in my sketchbook at home, listing how disgusting I am. 

I also got one in school. 

It's awful in some way, but it's true. 

Let me tell you what I don't like about most atheists [which many people have] they look at the bible with disgust, the unending cruelty and bullshit. 

Some call it the stupidest thing that was ever written. 

That holy book is brilliant. 

The rituals, tales, wars, everything is spectacular. 

Why wouldn't it be spectacular? A masterpiece, with a sequel and a sequel from the other side. 

Epic. 

I'm still nothing.

Fucking hell mates.

I slept two hours in the past three days. 

My sleeping time in comparison to my waking time is 1:36. 

And counting obviously. 

I'm tired of breathing. 

I didn't even want to go to ram today. 

I hate myself and I want will die. 

I went for ram, stayed for two and a half periods. 

I'm as suicidal as ever. 

It was so silly of me to relapse. 

I could've pretend I'm fine and be out of supervision in no time and I'd fucking kill myself. 

You know what's funny?

My parents read my text messages quite often, but my blog? Not even once. 

Or at least that's what I hope. 

I mean, I can never know, can I?

Damn it. 

I wish I could simply go to the nonprescription drugs in the local drugstore and fucking take as many as possible, puncture my lungs [breathing's for weaklings!] and end it. 

It's about time, I'm late for the final station, it is so close to me, but there are so many problems that I just don't seem to get there anytime soon, the train can't get through it. 

It's windy outside. 

I feel like air, having to make room for other air, air that is by all means, supposed to be where I am laying now. 

I wish I was some first prince of some royal family and I'd have many hateful and desperate siblings. 

They'd kill me and each other, only in order to get to the throne. 

I remember two years ago, my source of power was to help you not do it [even though that I believe I'm a great thesis subject!] or support you in some odd way, and of course, to not be a part of te "statistics". I don't have control over it, I never had, and I'll never will have. 

Last year it was about not joining it, being too fat, and curiosity, basically body hatred.
A few months ago it was for not disappointing Anna [from Hungary].
Now?
Now it's my awful selfishness.

I'm tired and my head is aching, even though that I managed to nap a wee-bit.
I'm probably going to rest.

Good night.