The new name of the list.

How to murder a child.
How to make your child develop an eating disorder.
How to get your daughter to lose weight.
And the list of names that I can use for what my mother told me today.
I asked her to massage my legs.
After a while she focused on my knee, and I reapted her, asking for her to do it on my calves, she said that she don't like to touch soft things, like sponge, she likes the bone.
You have no idea what it done to me.
Okay.
I used to have a problem with the idea of under 40, yeah, now 36 seems legitimate.
Fuck you mother.
Really.
I wish you'd die.
Because the pleasure you'll get, enjoying and savoring the feeling when I'll start losing weight enough for my hair falling out like autumn leaves, and fainting will be something I might have.
I'll do it.
I'm so fucking pissed.
I should keep myself a picture of bones.
I'm not stupid, so I'll pick a picture of a skeleton of a squirrel/cat/bat/wolverin, something intresting, and I can't use the skeletons of my own Christian school.
My vision of that school, is that every single student's name will be Christian/a, and every teachers first/last name will start with G (because then you can call them all Mr. G or Ms. G or anything like G, the G-man), I'm incredibly stupid and smart because of it.

You have no idea what it done to me, you have no idea how satanic it is to call your daughter fat in such a way!

Hilarious/contagious

I thought I can.
I can't.
I fucking can't.
It's too funny.
I knew it will be hilarious, but come on!
IT IS N RUSSIAN.
YOU CANNOT EVEN THINK THAT IT'S ACCEPTABLE.
I HAVE TO LAUGH.
HE GOT STRAIGHT HAIR, BLACK HAIR, AND BLACK NAILPOLISH.
PEOPLE.
PLEASE.
Although, his hair striaghtness and fineness,reminds me of an adult, just that the adult I'm speaking about got brown-light brown-blonde streaks, natrual ones, beautiful person, bonus points for having a beard.

Stop with the Russian accent.
I'm going to burst.

WHY ARE YOU WEARING A BRA? AND WHY DO YOU HAVE SUNGLASSES.
THIS IS RUSSIA.
YOU DON'T HAVE "WARMTH" IN THERE.
You have an amazingly weird lifestyles.
And an incredible humor.


Why is his hair blonde?
I did not premit this.
I reject the hair.
I'm sorry, I can't stand black-brown and blonde.


His not natrually black.

Obvious.

I knew it by his eyebrows.
If you dye, dye all the way, don't bother making it look like, do it all the way.

WHY DID YOU THROW THEM AWAY.
PEOPLE WILL TEAR UP EACH OTHER FOR THEM.
THIS IS STUPID.
THIS IS RUSSIA.
I love it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dS-ej7MztWQ

That's the link, I was on a Suicide Room videoclip (not gay kiss, fight, or anything else scene, plain music video), and then it came, and I knew that there's no chance I'll miss it.


...

Today is tomorrow, and fuck you today.

I decided to cheer up as my stomach digests the ridiculously high amount of food I shoved into it (the waitress mentioned how little I ate, awkward, but it was too much!), I hear the funniest thing Yotube got.
And yes, one of the other songs of that funny Russian band.
Everybody who understands what the lyrics actually mean will be pissed at me because it's not a subject to laugh at it (lies, everything is funny, deal with it, think deeply about it, it's incredibley silly), and as far as I understand, the name is actually, emo sad love lonely.
That's actually getting deeply with my emotions.
Shame and joy.
I feel ashamed for them, and slightly for myself for laughing at it, and I'm enjoying, and right now, I actually understand how it looks for the people who don't get into that shit (throught the fifth and sixth grade, I blame everybody in Stips, fucking emotional bitches this is not hell, this is puberty!), we probably look like unhappy bastards.

Summed it up in two words, if it upsets you, cry into a bottle, I personally think you'd thank me later when you'll discover that they are a part in a voodoo r-word (yes, I am in fact fucking immature).


Oh no, I hope I'm not going to regret it.
I really hope I won't.
I put Metallica's Black, oh shit, I'm afraid.

Oh, better.

I thought they'll actually scream like beasts for the whole song.

I'm such a fool, I BLAME YOU STUPID FUCKTARD, FOR TELLING ME THAT THE METAL YOU HEAR IS BASICALLY SCREAMING AND SINGING AND GUITAR SOLOS, AND DRUM SOLOS, AND YOUR FRIEND WHO HEARS HEAVY METAL IS PRETTY MUCH METAL BUT MORE SCARY.
I was a second grader.
Fucking stupid since birth.


....

I guess I'll never stop beating myself over stuff.
Only rarely I'll tell myself I'm good, when I lose weight, when I achieve extraordinary things, when I fast, when I am confident, when I'm strong.
And even then..
I hate it, and the fact that I hate it about myself doesn't help.
Fucking great.
I'm still rude towards myself because I don't spell Mexico like the rest in Hebrew (I knew it when my mother told me after I mentioned that the writer wrote Mexico weirdly, but come on, when I write it you know exactly how the words sound, for me I write it the simple way, imagine, me writing mexico, the rest found a way to write meksiko, and I still feel awful), it doesn't make sense, because it's anyway a foreign word, it shouldn't matter, but still, I hated it.
It ruins my life.
Now I don't want to touch my caffe, I feel ashamed to take my freshly roasted altura.
At least it's not Indonesia, which sucks.
I came to click it, and I just freaked out and stopped!
WHAT THE HELL?!
I'm doing it now, no way it'll be a thing I'll be weak on.
I did it.

Did I just panic?
No?
Good, I don't want to be all freaky and shaking and paranoidic.
My over-thinking is enough for me, thanks.

... 

Okay, today we had some thing you can call it a play, you can call it a lecture, you can call it a playful lecture, or the opposite. 

But in there, some weird things happened. 

Let's start with the slightly more sane one. 

They kept repeating the each person is a gift to the world, as I thought that I'm a curse, I found what's kind of a gift I was. 

Pandora. 

Pandora held all the bad things in the world, yet it's still a gift. 

It took me ten minutes to figure how can I find a good way to describe it. 

And the second one. 

As Chubbs walked in front of me, I didn't stopped looking at her body, then mine, her again, mine again, comparing, knowing that she's probably thinner than me (logically and physically it's a lie, mentally and emotionally, truth), and I started breathing shallow short breaths, and when I tried to calm down I couldn't breath normally, I just stopped for a while. 

Then breathed again. 

After a while, I just tried to dig my nails in the other hand's flesh. 

It left two nail marks for ten minutes. 

It was weird. 

I never experienced something like that. 

You guys should watch out. 

I might be contagious. 

You blame me. 

Great. 

Always me. 

You're the angel. 

Right. 

You're so fucking right. 

Because I'm always wrong. 

Because I'm just a child who don't know how to even express her feelings, or how to think. 

I'm that stupid.

Right. 

And then you scream at me.

Blaming me. 

Telling me that I'm wrong. 

And the thing that I'm doing is not normal. 

Blame me. 

I'm tired of it. 

Controlling mother. 

Scared father. 

Great. 

It's my fault as well, isn't it?

After all, who can you blame but me?

By the way, I caused glaobal warming. 

And the problems in Sochi. 

...

Now I'm on a way better mode, it's seven pm, ten hours later than what I posted earlier, by theory, I have enough time to watch a movie (suicide room, Jesus Henry Christ, or one of my two movies with Kim carry, or the dictator), and few YouTube stuff (probably speedpaints, and music, and than trying to find insparation to sai), but that theory, if I'll be the able to get into my room (being punished all the fucking time), and maybe if there's a parental risk, I can always watch something extremely stupid. 

Like the news. 

...

It's so weird. 

I think I feel like google's translator voices. 

My sister and I put some lyrics that will sound weird (I started with my goo goo goo joob of I'm the Walrus, which confused the translator, and my sister just made it way better with What Does The Fox Say), and I just got bored, and forced it to say all kind of weird sentences. 

It got to its best when we made the Arabic option exhausted, if you write something long enough, it'll stop to catch it's "breath", hard to explain but try with "نَا" or "نَاهَا" (which means na, and naha, I don't remember which one is better), but try on the japaneese to write something (not on japaneese) and then place periods on different lines. 

For me it said "dot-dot-dot" for a long while. 

...

That's somehow really fucked up. 

All I think about is summer's sunshine, cute chibi art and smile faces and  rainbows, and I Hate Myself on Comic Sans font. 

It's like happiness mixed with myself. 

I can't comprehend it all. 

It's like trying to catch things that flew away with the wind. 

220 kph winds. 

Fucking hurricane. 

Stop

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO BE?!

Never good enough. 

That's what I look like to you. 

No wonder why I'm like this. 

I just watched emo cutters oh Onision (his name is not Greg, Greg is dead), and it got me in a sensitive spot, because I know my life isn't so shitty, but I act like so, and I hate myself for it, which makes me suffer a bit more because I shouldn't even feel it, but then I pity myself, an then I hate myself ten times more, because somehow I deserve this for acting like it is a big deal, I can go on and on but I won't. 

And then my mother yelled on me. 

And slowly those emotions (I hate to feel, it's so shitty in so many different levels, depression is way better if thinking about it, at least you're bored and can't feel, now I'm bored and feel it), and it made my voice sound fragile. 

And then she did what she always do. 

Talk in an aggressive tone because I'm crying. 

It cracked me, and I just fell apart. 

I yelled back "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?!" I said so many things. 

I'm so frustrated, she tells me this is not a normal behavior. 

As a child she said normal is boring and bad. 

What the fuck are you telling me now?!

All I want to do is to hurt myself. 

And I'm fake. 

So I just violently climbed to bed while trying to pull out my hair (she was still in the room, scratching is more visible). 

She told me she's not leaving until I say politely good night. 

I screamed it with anger. 

She mumbled that it's not a normal behavior again. 

I just feel so fake. 

And when I think I deserve it, I call myself an attention whore, because it tells me I'm doing it only for attention. 

And after I harm myself in some way, I tell myself I'm stupid and pathetic. 

And then I don't eat, and I call myself fat liar, because nothing happens, and I'm just doing it for attention again. 

And I can't stop. 

I don't know if I even want to. 

I don't enjoy it. 

Yet, I can't see myself in anywhere else. 

I hate everything. 

Or that's what I'm telling myself to cope with it. 

It seems less concentrated this way. 

Hating myself and hating everything is the same thing, the fact that I'm making it a two different things making it to seem less harmful. 

I don't know what to do anymore. 

I don't want to stay here anymore. 

It's not that anybody will actually help. 

Therapy isn't working when you don't cooperate. 

This is the worst or the best, even this I can't tell. 

Sick

This is so me to do so.

Who else can watch a racist comedy and then knowing exactly what movie to watch later, which is depressing, and a movie you'd have to watch again, because it's changing the whole thing afterwards. 

An all of that, doing it for the second time. 

Yes. 

I watched white chicks earlier (the breast milk joke is still great, and Tina the talking tummy), and who remembers what movie I watched afterwards the last time?

Yes. 

Suicide room. 

I know how it'll end. 

Who he'll meet. 

This is pathetic. 

Another reason why this is the kind of behavior I'll do. 

Okay. 

I figured out, that at least until I'm 19, learning a new language will be almost impossible. 

I didn't notice it before. 

He has an eyebrow piercing. 

Why is if cool to get scars and publish it?

At least make it look good, or straight or nicely shaped. 

But the reason I noticed it it's because that recently the makeover episode, and one got an eyebrow piercing, another got a tattoo, that pernment make up ones, they last for a couple if years, not many, I know some that did it in my family, and some others that are doing it to others, it's their job. 

Well, at least some looked good at the end. 

And when I say good I mean good as not looking like a peacock or a vomit of a dwarf on gravity falls, most of them looked stupid. 

Really stupid. 

The good looking are the ones that their hair didn't had that funny look, or that weird ass colors. 

And the hairstyle was obviously that trendy thick long brushed to the side Mohawk (if it had a name if use it, there isn't so far).

People should understand that beards aren't for everyone. 

Oh that dance is adorable!!

We used to have it on the fourth grade, but instead of formal wear, we wore school clothes, and bounced most of time. 

Again, laughing for most of the movie. 

How people can enjoy that prom themed events. 

Ugh. 

Prom is stupid. 

The most overly glamorized thing. 

More than eating disorders, teen drinking, wand sex. 

Trust me, it's a magical thing.  

Nothing good in finding a date, competing who will have the best outfit, or who 

They said six like we say it. 

Okay. 

I just learned to words in Polish. 

Hamlet and six. 

My grandpa will be proud of me if we was alive. 

Just kidding. 

Kind of. 

Things like that make me smile like I just saw wrong side scar joke of Zuko. 

Or to smile like I just saw William. 

Back to prom, people actually compete who asked them the best and most beautiful way. 

Okay. 

Boner scene. 

I really wonder why boners are displayed like it. 

This is a blood rush towards an organ. 

You don't see me filming your neck/wrist if I can see your heartbeat through the skin. 

And screaming like a thirteen/twelve yet old "TEEHEEHEE YOUR SKIN HEEHEE IS IT BECAUSE OF ME?!", nope. 

I can't wait for the gun that brought to school part. 

It educated me so much. 

HOLY FUCK. 

OH MY BOWL. 

It wasn't necessary to write them, but I think I found another person who watched this movie. 

Few days ago, in the educators hour, we watched a video about bullying, and there was a guy, the intrieviewr asked him what did he do to solve it. 

He brought a knife, and he waited to the next time, when the time came, he threatened them with the knife, it helped for a while, but afterwards they came back. 

Before he talked, I knew that it's his answer. 

Too obvious, and this is what I'll do as well. 

Well, maybe, if I won't dare to do it with to bare hands. 

I'm violent. 

I learned to suffocate somebody in two ways by the second grade. 

I know how to make somebody fall on his back before preschool. 

I obviously know how to stab, this is something you know how to so when you live in Israel, it's like an instinct, the amount of people who died/got terribly injured in the past few years. 

Okay, figured it. 

Guns equal bad, knives equal good. 

Was it a Russian roulette?!

This is one if the more amusing games. 

I'd like to watch. 

OOHHH!

The sculpture kissing part is coming soon. 

I'm slightly worried that I remember that movie so well after watching it for one time, and barely remembers what happened in which movie of twilight, after watching then for twenty times. 

OOHHH. 

Again. 

You're embarrassing the family. 

Gay is fashionable dear. 

Make up is great, if it makes your best featured to be bold, wear it. 

Trust me, it's the best thing ever. 

If you have beautiful lips, wear lipstick, if your eyes are pretty, wear something that will fit them. 

People should stop smiling when they don't mean it. 

Really. 

Stop. 

If you don't find it funny at all, don't laugh, just don't even give it respect. 

If I find it funny, or it's worth my time, I'd laugh and smile, even if it's offensive, maybe more if it's towards me. 

It got me distracted. 

Bujaj, I heard that word, she said it. 

And it's in a song. 

One if the better songs in my opinion. 

WAIT. 

Does it mean that six months ago I heard the Polish MTV channel?!

I'm sorry. 

The make up he wore. 

It reminds me when I was three. 

I decided to mess up with my mothers make up. 

I looked like I smeared radioactive blood all over my face. 

It glowed and was freakishly bright red. 

You're not a terrorist. 

Stop thinking so. 

You're no a murderer. 

WOW. 

NOT COOL DUDE. 

These are my staple words. 

Not fair. 

Now what?

What words will I use?!

I'm out of rituals, and now I can describe so many things.  

I really don't understand how people can be so depressed. 

Like. 

Why would you let it happen?

I'm going to continue, but both of your parents are cheating. 

Like, you feel it, but you stay, to please others, don't. 

I don't give a fucking shit. 

Go fucking away. 

The amount of people that are comitting suicide in the army really worries me out. 

Like. 

People. 

Wake up. 

Are you blind?

You send people, to get into an army, people aren't supposed to become a murder machine. 

Now I notice it. 

Finally geography did something, I appreciate the fact that we learned about something different than where's Yemen. 

I finally noticed that it's actually presented that in more evolved countries, it's preferred to have one child. 

I have an incredibly amusing joke. 

But that's only because he said bazooka. 

It's known for most of people as a gun. 

In Israel, it's the cheap common gum, it's in a rectangle shape, with stripes over it, and it got a joke in the cover. 

DOMINIK LOOKS LIKE ULRICH. 

FUCK. 

NOT FAIR. 

ITS PLAYING WITH MY FEELINGS. 

I hate onions. 

They taste so good, but they fuck up my stomach. 

Fuck. 

I ate an apple to hours ago. 

I can still feel it in me. 

I feel like I drank concrete, and now it's blocking the food to get out. 

Wow. 

This movie is just making me feel like shit. 

I know that I don't know how to function in the real world. 

But that's only because this real world is so fake, what am I supposed to do with that weird language of lies?

I tried to learn it. 

Worst thing I ever did. 

I don't even know. 

Ugh. 

Can't you fuckung decide. 

Few seconds, matka is mother in polish?!

If it is, then I'd probably laugh, I'm in pain so I can't. 

You want to stay in or out?!

You know that both will end with the same thing. 

Both places won't make you happy. 

If thinking about it, the places, they are one. 

They were never apart. 

Always the same thing. 

Why did you divide them?

Was it just to make you feel safe?

Like there's actually a place to get back to after you destroyed one?

Now you have nothing. 

And you're devestated.
Well, well, well, you deserve it.


...

Stop eating me.
I feel you.
Consuming me.
From the inside.
Making my salivia be a complete liquid.
Making my stomach feel like they are torn apart.

Great, it probably means that tonight I won't sleep again.

I feel like my whole system is crashing.

My motherw thinks it's my eating habits.
Fasting throught the week, eating a shitload during the weekend.
And my new vegan diet.

I guess I'll have to eat less on the weekend.

I need to remember this pain.


...

I wrote to the kik group about what happened.
Maybe to scare them out of it.
If they can.
I know it doesn't matter for me, most chances that I'll die anyway, it's too easy to die, and I decided that I'd rather to actually die than to feel inside like I am already.

...

I remember the first English lyrics I ever looked for, it's weird, and the site, who is now my favorite for all of those years.
It was of M2M, Pretty Boy, on azlyrics.
I was seven or eight, trying to find the lyrics of that song that was in my pink mp3.
I was a tiny little girl learning English words.
No wonder why am I that good on English, and my teachers want me to be in the English Speakers' class.
I'm so glad I'm not there.
All they do is preparing themselves for depression.
No thanks people, if I want depression let me watch movies that will remind me of things, like Twilight.

Why are you so weird?
Come on, all of you aren't normal at all.
Who the fuck wants to listen to a twelve year old?
She's not that incredible anyway.

....


Okay, I didn't post it on Thursday, but I have another reason why things on Ram can never be a normal school, at all, from all kinds.
Well, I know that there, it's acceptable to share food, and to play a card game that it's main rule it's to be quiet, and learning to juggle is normal, and coming outside of the class with a guitar and drum sticks and singing on a bench is in the routine, and hearing hilarious stories by a math teacher who teaches us the more awesome side of math, we have a new thing.
To go shirtless while playing soccer with a name tag of a six year old child, and then when the girls are trying to understand why, part of their answer is to move that funny chest muscles.

Well, afterwards, I told my friends that it would be so awesomme if girls coulld do it.
I think that I'll stare at chests of females that can bounce only with moving the muscles in there.

By the way, you have to see how thin they all are!
Thin, tall, pale.
I will think that half of them are vampires.
But no.
Just european roots.

In me it never shows something on my looks.
I can be mistaken to be more of the east of asia then the south of it.
But it's good.
Quarter Yemenite, eighth Iraqi, eight Polish, Half Israeli.
I still find it weird that Yemen and all the area of the Saudi Arabia doen't considered as africa.
It's not fair.
But, why do I have those eyes?
They are so weird.
Like, straight lashes, which are long, but you can't tell it because their straightness, dark brown eyes (some people think they are black, obviously they never saw me at the sunset time), and sligthly more smeared to the side, small and weird.
No wonder why I like big eyes.
Obsessing over them.

I guess the only way to tell that I'm israeli is my behavior (and even then, partly), my skin (barely, it's more Yemenite thing, but I'll be sure when I'll be old, like fifty-sixty), and my nose.
Jewish noses suck.
At least I don't have Muslim eyebrows.
Or I don't know what with a religion.
Muslim have that weird light eyebrows for the females, I like how white they are, and their lips are so gentle, and noses are just in a perfect size, but the eyebrows are too light to my opinion.

...


Ouch.
That's like my organs are in a jacuzzi of acid.
Ugh.
I felt something falling it.
I really hope that this salivia that comes in gallons, helping to lighten that very concentrated acid.

Oh, it didn't.
I ran to the kitchen, after spitting in my trash can and then in the sink, pressing the button as fast as I can as water pouring to my cup, it hurted like a bitch.

Maybe it's my body not reacting to the food overload, or the calorie overload, maybe the lack of animal abuse.

.....


I love you so much.
I knew that I know this song!
THANK YOU SO MUCH YOTUBE.
In the Nine In The Afternoon mix playlist, a song came, that I know.
The All-American Rejects.
And their song I heard for the last time on John Tucker Must Die.
DIRTY LITTLE SECRET.
I almost eeped when  I heard the chorus.
I said almost but I'm still in pain.


....

Today is tomorrow.
Woke up good, digested a little better!
If it's going to continue this way, I'll go tomorrow to school!
Normal fasting, usual stress, and a bonus, I learned my lesson.
I drew this now.

It's nice, in my opinion.
It started from wanting to draw some sort of a person that looks on you from his behind, it didn't looked like it, and I decidewd that I wanted to make a human with torn skin and under it you can see it's skull (human is an it, I decided it doesn't matter anymore, most of people don't have lives anyway), but when I did the after-sketch (little less rough one), I saw that it looked like a robot, so I just pressed on "flip horizontlly" and moved it a bit, then I created the final design, to do before cloring and bringing them to this point, the robot in blue, the human on red, then a new layer, and created them, the final point was to just make the outline.
It was short and fun.
I like it.

I watched last night the Dictator, and it pissed me off that we suffered Victor and the rest won't (the name of the cashier that Aladdin put instead of sub-sahara, was Victor).
Now, why the fuck people will make two classes with a minimal amount of females, to dance with 40 males, 16 females, and over 20 in each class of males, gladly, they divided it to make it more comfortable, yet, I danced with 3 guys, one making fun of me, the other steps on me, and the one that's left is a fucking hyper with a female-phobia, yeah so fucking fun.
Learning minimal dances and considering them real.
When was the last time you suffered from a skirt and gloves?
I was the red and black one.
It was awful.
At least we didn't dance like a traditional Irish people (it worked because in this city everybody is pale), we danced something that I still know the words of the beginning.
IT WAS HELL.
We learned some Pathtic excuse for salsa, and Victor with some Russian/Ukranian did the more professional way (including beautiful outfits), presented it.
We learned some other things I can't remember the names, but I hate them all.
Now, all of the generations should suffer like I did.

EVERYBODY SHOULD SUFFER LIKE I SUFFERED.
And to wonder if one teacher changed pants or just took his off.
Maybe it's those "American boxers" people believe they are just sport shorts because they're so baggy!

....


I did the best thing a human can possibly do.
Go in Deviantart (the only way that I started remembering this name is to think about a divine tart, stupid, but Andi Bell's method works, and the same with the taller double of that doctor, with the 21st birthday, singing When I'm 64, with the 39 stairs, if you know what I'm talking about), and look for Suicide Room.
You'd see sylvia.
IF YOU'RE ON THE RIGHT ONE, IT'S THE MSOT BEAUTIFUL THING EVER.

....


It took me about ten minutes, to make this.

AND IT'S JUST THE SKETCH.

...


My stomach is less acidic.
Meaning.
Tomorrow school, and fasting.
I don't want to eat a thing anymore.
I'm finally scared of food.
It's a dangerous evil thing!


....


Pathetic.
All over again this bullshit?
Don't we have enough reality shit that seventy percent of it is hugging and telling stories (mostly tragic) and being emotional?
For that we can watch some sort of a telenovela, or you can put Operah or something.
Will please the huamns there grow balls?
It's not that hard.
And I suggest all of the people there to get over it, nobody cares that much that when you were younger your mother cooked you rice with a special sauce that her blind Thai friend taught her, and she never made it again after you cried in school because you got B-, and now she's dead because that you killed her and you never had the time to apologize and ask her for the bowl, now that you're recovered from living in prison, you swore to sing and be good again for her.
In this point the person supposed to cry and one or two judges will hug him and will say that it really touched their feelings.
BORING.
We got X-factor, Master Chef, and another six that their name I don't remember, but they exist, but now, you brought a show that brings few 16-24 people (I just guessed those numbers, but you get the picture, people that have no idea about their lives, with a big puffed dream), taking some in, putting some out (without forgetting to hug them!), and then, creating a band of them, and all of it, in the children's channel, under the name of The Band Project.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HUMANITY.
I hate every little thing in this genre.
People should figure that going into tv shows won't do much, we haven't heard from Katelyn at all, and she won X-Factor, three fucking years ago, she dissappeard (and personally I think she won only because she's not from Israel, at the moment that people got a foreign passport, all people like them a little more), if you want success, start working, decide what you want, if you can't, start already, it'll come by itself, or it won't, start with talking, be open to fail, and a lot, or don't be open, at least try, do what you can, go and start online, maybe you'll have a bigger chance, who knows, but try, it's better than nothing.

....

I'm going to talk about something that nobody talks about, or at least talks about it so openly.
How much time are you going to give to Bridgit?
I like to bet with people about how long people will stay, whether it's residents, stores and their owners, or anything that can come which fits (same with the principals).

But, Bridgit Mandler, the new Disney Queen, I personally think she burnt her acting career to quickly (Good Luck Charlie, is not something big, and being in a few movies that we will recognize you but won't remember you that much, isn't something big at all), and now she's in music.
Who else was in Disney, started with acting, and became also a singer?
Hmm...
Let's think about it!
Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus, Justin Timberlake (considered to be the sane one that came out of Disney), and recently there are rumors that Selena Gomez is in trouble as well, but don't forget Demi Lovato, with her Bulimia.

But, don't forget to decide on what she'll fall on.
It can be like most, eating disorders, umm, depression, some would say cutting, because it's horriby common to see pictures, just search celebrity cutting, you'll find it, we can try to say drugs, but who knows, it can be almost everything.
I KNOW.
TO RECORD A SPANISH SCREAMO ALBUM WITH TAYLOR SWIFT.
I was on Tumblr too much time.

What the fuck am I watching?
Roadies, of Pierce The Veil, I'm really worried about Youtube.
And all the people who's there.

And I'm worried about my mind when I'm tired.
Half of the time I see words or hear words that aren't really there.
When was the last time you couldn't stop thinking about bread, Louis Armstrong, Mexican (it was Mistican, but I'm was -too tired!- I was confused, and tired), Whatsapp, Youth with pathetic love life and habits, And Super Classico (I'M TWO DAYS WONDERING WHAT TEAMS ARE ALWAYS BRING THE GUYS TO INSANITY WITH CAMP REAL MADRID AND THE OTHER ONE THAT I CAN'T REMEMBER IT'S NAME!).
NOT FAIR MTV.
You lost my 0.00000001 part on the rating you got.
I don't care it's on Youtube, and it's got nothing with MTV britian rock, or MTV Israel (boo, it's only boring, and just making you feel loser, or better than them, but then you can see who they are now, and you're suddenly a loser again),  you made me just hear few sentences.

...

If I'll ever be famous (I'd probably do so many stupid stuff), I'll just go to Comicon and get my own station with a cardboard piece of me, and than I'll replace myself with my flatter self when coming in pictures.
BEST PHOTOBOMB EVER.

I wonder who the fuck does that.
What the fuck...
I don't think it's even describable, it's just, one big what.
Pierce The Veil Epic Win.
What?

Meet & Greet.
Oh, I know about it.
People pay a ridiculous amounts of money (1500 nis-dollars, depends, Justin Bieber was NIS, Rihanna was dollars), only to meet people for 0.5 seconds, it's like speed dating.
 "HI I LOVE YOU LET ME TELL YOU HOW YOU SAVED ME"
"HI THANK YOU"
"but I wanted to tell you.."
"NO TIME! PICTURE KISS BYE!"
It's true.
Sad.
But True.
I'd rather to just do something to the security guard (or dangerous to his health, or dangerous to my uterus, but both ways won't help at all to stay where I want to be), and attack the people.
BETTER.
TO KILL A PERSON AND PRETEND I'M IT.
I think that this Animation Movie destroyed me, I can't think about something else but the Beatles, the only year I can remember is 1969, the year that Paul "died" in.
And about When I'm 64 (and than all I can think about is British people, Andi Bell, and toilet paper), and I'm The Walrus (not complaining about it though).

YEAH.
TAKE THAT BRAZIL SANTOS.
AND MEXICO ALTURA.
AND COLOMBIA SUPREMO.
FUCKING YEAH I LOVE YOU ETHIOPIA.
I'm not going to screw this up this time!
2400 BEANS ARE MINE.
YAY.
It's making up for all the ones that I already burnt.
The amount of times that I forgot Mexico and triple that, for making that Brazil ones.
But it's not fair.
They are getting burnt in less than a second.
Brazil is the worst.
You blink and it's gone.


HAHAHA THEY ARE ALL MINE NOW!
Yay, only more 5 complete rounds of it and finally getting 3/4 of that stupid mission.
And then I'll have to get even more beans to make that Vanilla Iced Latte.
I hate Line's I Love Coffee
And it's Iitem Mixer.
It ruined my life.
Now I'll get ticks when I'll come to Brazil/ Mexico/ Costa  Rica/ Guatemala/ Ethiopia/ Indonesia/ Hawaii/ Colmbia/ Jamaica/ Kenya.
I hate so much everything that includes coffee now.

I want to do something.
I was doing nothing (not a double negative, that I can tell only because I watched Jesus Henry Christ five times in the last two weeks, that's awful), for two days, I have too much energy, but not enough power.
I HATE IT SO MUCH.
It's like being hyper after drinking two energy drinks in a day (now I'm taking only ones with weird flavours or sugar free), it's boring, just not fun anymore.


I want a van.
And a person from Boston.
Named Bessy.
And a blue dog.
That was an agent.
And I want her to annoy the Asian restauraunt owner with breaking chopsticks.
And I want things that smell like cherries, and rainbows, and sparkles.
And I want Cherry.
Cherry is a bitch.
I still want a slave after all, why not a girl with magenta hair.
I want to say pink so bad, but I'd like my mental health back.

I can't stop thinking Aelita and Sylvia.
William and Dominik.
IT'S AWFUL.
IT'S TAKING OVER MY VIEWER EXPRIENCE.


I like comments.

Apperantly Victor (why everybody keep calling them VIC? Maybe I'm the only one with nickname issue, and Vicky, who's a guy, that his name is Tomer, go figure), sang to a girl.
Now, people want to be her.
I'm the only one who will cry?
Like panic cry?
And then I'll judge myself for so?
I was too stressed to read my own things I've wrote on that writing course on Rama, HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED HANDLE A CAMERA?!
AND PEOPLE.
AND MYSELF.

I hate attention.
Yet I need it.
I'm pathetic.

OH I UNDERSTAND IT.
SO MUCH BETTER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

It happened on the Justin Bieber  Cconcert.
In the end it was the neice of his manager.
Awesome, isn't it?


NO!
I'M OUT OF BLUEBERRY MUFFINS.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE HONEY BREAD.
I WANT TO CRY.


I feel like my Baristas betrayed me.
Who should I take down first?
Kevin, Lia, or George.
I'd love to kill George, I'm just loving the idea of killing kings.

..


I'm still laughing about that Mexican-mistican that can the future through Whatapp.
I'M SO TIRED.
IT'S NOT FUNNY BUT I'M LAUGHING.


...

I don't remember what Vector means on Deviantart anymore.
I think about tic-tac-toe.
Vectorian tic-tac-toe.
It's awesome, hard to explain, but awesome, but I'm stuck.
Now on tests all I'll think about is tic-tac-toe.

That's evil.
5 times Altura, 10 times Santos.
EVIL.

....

iOS got trust issues.
And it can't decide by it's own.

....


HE LOST A FUCKING TESTICLE.
He's a Ju-Jitsu coach, and one of the students that came to the black-belt tests kicked so hard at his crotch, that he severly damaged his testicle.
HA!
I think that the dude deserves a glowing in the dark black belt.
And the place should pay him, he just lost a testicle!

....


A PERSON SHOULD NEVER EVER CUT IT'S HAIR.
STUPID PEOPLE.
LIVE AS FUCKING RAPUNZEL.

Onision, done the worst.
HE'S NOW MAKING MY LIFE SO HARD.
This is the devil of the hairstyles.
I know his name is Greg, but when I learn names it's just getting down trough a terrifying rollercoaster.
Soon I'll call 4 people Greg only because of the hair.
It's hard to recognize people, it takes time.
The fact that you all look the same is not helping at all.

Why people do that to themselves?
I hate scissors.
And razors.
And if you're....

YOU DESTROYED IT.

ANDY WARHOL?
NO?
YES?
MAYBE?

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE.

Oh, he shaved it completly on the sides.

It's like the awkward part when the hair grows back after you shaved the part behind your ear.
It's the worst thing to ever eprience.
That, and my hair history.


I want pizza, but I don't want pizza.
It's a sub-binge mode, it's I want everything, but I'm too lazy to bring them all.

..

I'm so sorry about your commercial, picking him of all?
He got almost sent to prison!
It's like picking to put a pick putin commercial on a gay rights video.
OR PUTTING A CARLSBERG COMMERCIAL ON DRIVE DRINKING ONE.


I can't stand YouTube commercials.
Too many overused now.
The amount of time I saw Carlsberg's one (I always liked it, so it doesn't matter), is insane

Short

I found something truly awkward, and weird, and hilarious.
I remember when was the first time I heard Panic! At The Disco.
Build God Then We'll Talk.
Few years ago, I was on Stips (Israeli Yahoo, as I call it), and somebody just put a link to a video on youtube saying how crazy/weird/preverted it is.
I told you that everything that I meet is weird.
And I meet them in unexpected places.
And then I hear them forever.
Until I'm getting over it, usually a trauma.
Paramore is such a great example, and Twilight, they come together, I regret it.
But I regret it because of the trauma, and nobody is the same ever since.
It's like a suicide of a family relative.
All the closest ones are becoming a wreck and it's normal if they'll suffer from tics.
Too bad that "lies", "intrigues", "pretending" and "pure evilness" killed themselves on 2012's spring.

Well, it could have been worse.

I can tell you that I met All Time Low's Don't Panic album thanks to Anorexia, but it's not weird, because it's not directly.
Directly?
I met them through candies.
One girl wrote something about Lifesavers.
I had no idea what it is except that it's a candy.
I just kept reading.
And it showed up.

I can't believe that I hear music that came from a ridiculous sources.
I can't understand it, like, why?


I HAVEN'T HEARD THEM -AND SPECIFICALLY THIS SONG- IN AGES.
THANK-YOU-THANK-YOU-THANK-YOU.
Teenagers.
I can't remember the alst time I've heard it.

Well, I guess it's the time that it's finally useful to upload the weirdest thing that happened me this week.

Twitter decided to alert me with something important in the morning (Twitter never gives me any alerts, so it's really weird).

Okay, in few seconds I'll upload it, but I can't just leave this alone.
That filthy lie.
 "Violence is never the answer"
PFFT!
OF COURSE IT'S FUCKING IS!
Another great example why my building should be a whole new country.
Violence, is always the answer.
I got stuck in the elevator with some friends, my dad forced the doors to open (meanwhile, I danced in it), our neighbors got stuck in the 10000 time, my dad did it again, the elevator's door didn't open on the third floor, flick off that weird flickery thing to open it, somebody got your parking? Show them your powerful and violent tools to solve this, usually as a threat.
If you don't agree, I'll fucking beat you up to say so.
What can I say, I'm a bucket of rainbows!

Emotionally abusing dragon

This is where I'm supposed to freak out?

Or few months later..?

I just completely forgot about it. 

I'm right now sitting with Sapir. 

It's nice to be with her. 

She's not bitchy. 

So yes, she can be annoying, but so am I. 

Well, we just talked about dreams, and foreseeing and seeing the past. 

I figured out something that is currently making me afraid. 

Do you remember that I had the dream about me self harming again, an almost comitting suicide glad/sad about it. 

Well, as you remember, few posts ago, my mother checked on me.

Now.

It's now the time.
Why?
Because I'm so fucking sick of life.
So sick of breathing.
I'm not breathing.
I'm not allowed to.
Breath in.
Hold it, maybe you'll be lucky enough to pass out.
Fuck.
You fucking weak pussy.
Die.
That's what you're so desprate to do.
But you're too weak.
Too scared.
Too stupid.
What can I say...
You failed.

In everything.

You need to die.
You loose anyway all the hope in the idea of leaving.
Faithless.
And don't bother to lie to me that it's not true, you know it is.
And even if you will, you'll be out fat.
Fat.
But don't worry, I don't blame you, I blame your mother, our mother.
She made us to have COD, because of her you want to cut, drown, hold you breath, die, starve, everything, maybe as a failing way to cope with your shitty life, the hell-alike life, maybe for attention so somebody will finally notice how miserable you are.
STOP CRYING.
You know what?
Keep on doing so, maybe somebody will notice.
I'm sorry for telling you this lie, nobody cares about you anyway, and if somebody will come in , it's your mother, who will yell at you if you don't tell, and will yell at you and will make you to feel like a complete shit if you do.
She doesn't get you.
I am.
And you know that I am, very alike you, and judgemental as well.
Meaning? Start to hear me, and if you can't, remember what I'm saying, don't eat when upset, or emotional, don't fucking eat.
That's it.
It's not that hard, isn't it?
I know you don't like eating anyway, so you don't have to!
Just stay in your room, here that Youtube Mix for the XXX time, and just write, something you missed doing, and draw, and do whatever you want, you see my love? I want you to feel good, my girl, I want you to be happy.
And trust me dear, I'm the only one you should trust, in no-time you'll be happy again, you'll enjoy, you'll be able to hear again, to see again, too be happy, maybe you'll get better with your guitar, maybe you'lll finally feel whole, maybe somebody will care. 

...

Great. 

Exactly what I planned as "what not to do until you're 14" list, fucking happens, sex was there, but now it's on sixteen, along with smoking, and drinking, yes sixteen. 

Well, now here it is. 

Welcome to my funeral, appetizers and dessert will be served at 7:31, the body will be burnt at 7:45, and a grill over the body's ashes will begin as well.

This is it. 

I'm so fucking dead. 

I'm starting my riot. 

Congratulate me. 

Wish me luck. 

Because, this is, and this is only, my suicide wave. 

Suicide wave, is the storm after the calm passed away, people are crying, regretting, being depressed, everything, you name it, it'll happen. 

That's it. 

I'm sick of being her target (remember it? Oh the blog memories, guys I know you over a year, and I'm comfortable with tellin you have suicidal I am, and you stay), emotionally abused child that cried in her corner.

I'm not in this show anymore. 

The worst ones are about weight, mental illness, not fitting in, beauty. 

I don't want to hear her again saying "your insanity doesn't fit me anymore", or "you're not eating. Go eat.", and then "of course your stomach hurts, you ate too much", fucking bitch. 

If it doesn't fit you anymore, buy a size smaller, your disordered eating doesn't fit me anyway, I guess I'll shrink mysel to fit you?! Fuckung bitch. 

No eating and over eating, all caused by your emotional abusing. 

I want to scream. 

But I can't. 

Because I'm no tucking allowed to. 

Oh wait. 

I have an idea. 

I just hope that my tools are here. 

They aren't. 

Are your ready?

I'm not. 

But I'll be if you are!

Please tell me were ready. 

I want to get there already!!

I'm desperate. 

And this is where I have to start. 

Start as fast as you can, then go faster. 

Will you help me?

I am ready, come on dear, get yourself prepared, you just need me. 

Hey,hey,hey! Not so quick, you'll have to be patient, trust me, in the end, time will go faster with not eating, with cutting, with being busy all the time, thing about the other girls, your thinspo, they don't have time to eat! So they don't!

And you're right, I like that quote by the way, just remember that I'm here. 

Just remember what to do when you see them?

Dig deep, dig hard, don't ever look back. 

What to do when you're awake?

Look at them with seven eyes. 

What to so when you're asleep?

Look at them with one eye. 

Oh, with Kevin!

Okay, I will.

So dear, please tell me one thing, why?

Well, I thought they knew what was the best for me, and I was weak, and stupid, and I wa....

Stop! No

You're wrong. 

It was because of her.

When you let that bond go and it'll be lonely it'll jump right out of the window, you'll be free, and thin, and you'll hear, and you'll see, and you'll feel. 

Okay! I promise!

Goodnight my girl, soon I'd call you my doll, and then my angel, and then my monster, and then the death of you....

What?

Nothing. 

Nothing at all. 

Not fair. 

So not fair. 

You grow a girl to a eating-disorderes and mental-illnesses place, an surprised when she have one too. 

YOU FUCKING BITCH. 

Do you think that for a minute I actually enjoy the cutting? Actually enjoy the endless stress afterwards, if I might be discovered? Do you think I enjoy your comments? About how much or how little I eat? Do you think that I feel good with it? Do you?

Because I know that I don't. 

It's a fucking hell. 

But because of them, and mostly you, it's the only place that accepts me. 

And I'd rather be in a hell, than a life that I don't belong to. 

Today I'm going to the psychologist. 

I fucking hate her. 

Like, what the duck am I supposed to say?

What's on my mind?!

So I look completely insane to you?!

You're not a psychiatrist that will just prescribe few pills, all you can legally do is to talk to me out of it. 

No thank you. 

I don't want to be recovered. 

It's all bullshit anyway. 

People relapse. 

All the time. 

And so do I. 

So making me feel shameful about it won't help. 

At fucking all. 

I'd just feel like a failure. 

And I'll hate myself. 

And I'll destroy myself. 

Which will be a relapse. 

And here the cycle begins again!

Okay, in the past few days, I didn't published or finished my posts.
Sorry about that.

But I decided to do something new, to solve it, I'd usually find doing so as a "wrong thing" because I've had always thought the published posts should be untouched.
Now I decided that it's worse to cut this habbit.

I binged on chocolate cookies, and dates.
Damn.
I can't hold them in the house anymore.
No more cookies and dates to me.

The worst part of the story, is not that I failed at what is the worst thing, the worst thing is that I tried to purge.
I knew that it's super-duper hard to impossible to purge chocolate cookies.

At least now I know that I can push myself for doing so.
Sucks, because the last thing I wanted to become is fat, like most bulimics can be, because of binges.
I have to stop doing that bulimic behavior (I would love to say rituals, but I'm currently upset with it, because there is no known and used hebrew word for it, I will start again as quick as I'll find it), and I should be more in my room.
I'm so stupid.

No more baking for the rest of the week.
I didn't earn it.
Therefore, I don't deserve it.


FUCK.
FUCK.
FUCK.
THE CRAMPS JUST GOT WORSE.
FUCKING PERIOD.
I want it to be like my mother's.
She gets it every 45 days or so.
Why?
Because her body can't support a normal period that includes ovulating.
It's pissing me off.
MY MOTHER HAVE A FUCKING EATING DISORDER, OR A HABITS OF ONE, AND SHE'LL BE PISSED EACH TIME I'LL HAVE IT.
I want to compete with her.
The longer I go without period, the better.

...

I'm going to regret it, but, I don't want to, so I won't, I'm going to do what I did for the first hour or so of Suicide Room, laugh, mock, and be truly shitty and disgusting for a sensitive topic.

How can you no know how old you are?!
You are really white.
And your name is Street.
I'm sorry.
It's so weird.
It's like, calling a person Otto, which is one of my favorites, because he's not a fucking car.

No shit, you cry, you poop, you pee, and it's not new.
It won't blow the world if I'll tell people that I sweat.
And you're a mama's boy, no big deal.
You're not the first one who paints his toe nails as a guy.
I've seen worse.

And that's you.
Got it.
Although I'd like to see your eyes.

I KNOW IT'S NOT EASY TO BE YOU.
YOUR LIFE IS FUCKING TWICE AS HARD.
YOU HAVE TO BE ACCEPTED IN YOUR GANG ALL THE TIME, NO DON'T NO DON'T TAKE IT OUT AWAY.
I DON'T LIKE IT.
AT ALL.
DON'T.
DON'T.
DON'T.

YOU FUCKING BITCH.
NOT FUNNY.
PEOPLE HAVE ANGER ISSUES.
THEY'LL TRACK YOU DOWN AND REALLY MAKE YOU TO SHOOT YOURSELF.
NOT SMART.
Even I have some weird ethic and jokes.

Really werid, really creepy, should be illegal, kind of shit.
Even I think I should be in jail.

....


Hello Zoe.

I envy your parent's relationship.
They are divorced.

Oh, not this!
Again with the divorced father's problems.

It's the worst when in Israel, men are basically hopeless against law.

If you're a female teacher, and you fuck an underaged student (for that case, it's a guy, I haven't heard a girl-on-girl or guy-on-guy activity in schools, yet), the blame will be on the male student.
Better one!
If an adult person, fucks an underaged male, he's a psychopath that's also a danger to society, if he fucks an underaged female, he's a psycho (without the path, only to show it's a more everyday version), but not a danger, it will never make sense.

Another great reason to leave this place.


And a great news if it will work (begging on my knees in front of people I don't know that will should on me on a language I can't understand, and the most I know of it, it's from an episode of a program tv I love, few of Telenovelas, and my friends, who got on the trend), it's about the best new law I've ever heard that made by a state of the Eurpoean Unions.
Reason number #02 (the first are siestas, if wasn't obvious), to love Spain, there's a chance I'll be able to get A FUCKING SPANISH PASSPORT.
Legally.

FUCKING BEST THING EVER THAT IT WILL ALMOST MAKE ME TO WANT TO CRY.

And another reason to thank my Grandpa from Poland, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR KEEPINNG THE FAMILY NAME.
The same for my grandmother, and father (I would thank my mother, but she's a bitch, so no).


I'm doing something awful.

I'm on the cut for bieber thing.

OH FUCK.
THEY SHOULD DO IT BIGGER.
COMMIT SUICIDE FOR BIEBER.
Well, attempt.
Sorry.
But that's because citizens are trying to kick bieber out of the US, and I just can't wait for the name of the petition maker on the news, as he got murders, and the walls of his house are covered with blood, in the shape of letters, creating the sentence "BRING BIEBER BACK" soon to be a huge topic on Twitter, by the way.

I just can't waint for #BBB.
It's so awesome.
I should start this.
Too bad that I think he should buy an Island.
I should suggest it to somebody.
You're my somebodies.
Have fun spreading the word.\

Surpirse suprise, you fucking bitch.
Telling me that I make your (in plural your, including the whole family that you decided you control their feelings) life so much harder, and then wondering why am I so like this.

And it's so funny to think that for few good months, I was safe from that suicidal monster, from that disgusting one, the one that tells the ugly truth.
I hate her, and me, bad things come in pairs.

I just want to go back to my birth country, for some sort of a celebration made by my sister/brother/father, and then show her, the other disgusting monster, every inch of cut skin with evil misleading smile.

I know how to make me less awful.
Don't care about me.
Let me starve myself, I enjoy doing it, and any interaction makes me want to emotionally eat.
Let me to get off this therapist, and be finally free to draw anorexics, suicide notes, depressing stories, everything I dream about, at any time.
Let me have emotional breakdowns at one am, and the only things I can do to go back to sleep, is to cut and play with my iPhone, to hear music, and sometimes, stay fully awake.
I want to be the fucking beast I'm inside.

At least I can dream.

You know, there's always the option to quit before the game's first hit.
Just leave it all for America.
Skipping the army.
I'm considering it.

As far as I can see, you'll be free from it's "claws" (As the writer deicedes to call it) of the army as long as you leave before sixteen.
I wish.



I found a great reason why I'm too young and I should've born a lot earlier.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcUza_wWCfA&feature=kp
Watch it.
Please.

...

It's weird.
I'm watching about how to move to America/Europe.
Or just with the easier explination "leave Israel".
One of the suggestions, is to find a place for living for at least the first two weeks, two thousand dollars/euros, and a plan to get a legal job, and some friends that can help.
I have a thing for them all, just I have to add two letters.
I and L to the legal.
Rob a bank, or steal a car, or become a pimp, or a drug dealer, whatever you'd like, get the money, get caught, you'll be in prison for at least few months, enjoy from your new freinds, your brank new gang.
Have fun.

...

I hate you.
And you hate me.
At least seperatly we both hate ourselves.
Fucking joy.
I think this name fits you.
Joy.
That's who you are after all.
The only person who truly understands me, knows personally all my closted skeletons.
You get me.
Don't you?
The only fucking monster who gets me.
Too bad you will never be real, flesh and blood, out of my head...
Nobody to compete with.
Nobody to talk to.
Nobody that breathes.


...

Maybe one day I'll talk to you, I want to.
Finally, somebody that can actually understand my weird messy life.
But you're not here.
You aren't talking back.
Or showing yourself.
If thinking about it, you're such a Joy.
A person, that I can't find.
Please, bother to write to me.
I'm desprate.
And you know it.
I won't lead you to some sort of mental illness unless you'd ask me to (considering that you've passed through this blog staying alive, you're pretty much bulletproof), I want a person.
Person that I can just open my Kik, and write "hi, what's up (insert name of your wicked self)? since you're probably in school/asleep I'll tell you what's happening with me! It's so weird, I still can't believe it, after almost two years of blogging to you, and now it's overwhelming, anyway, I just (insert epic news), although that (insert an horrible depsied scenario of choice)....".
I want a human.
A human that will promise me to live with me, as time will come, we'd be together, living, me and my crazy need to be a perfectionist, and on top of it, a quick thinker, and my obssesions.
You'll be there, and we'll together happily with a shitload of home-grown food.

...


FUCKING THIRD.
ON THIRD I'LL SCREAM.
ON THIRD I'M STRIKED OUT.
Hell.
Fucking bitch!
Well, fucking Joy!
WHAT'S SO GOOD ABOUT MAKING ME TO WANT TO DIE?!
YOU'RE MAKING ME AS TWICE AS WORSE AND AS TWICE AS EXPENSIVE THANKS TO THAT DAMN PSYCHOLOGIST.
FUCKING HELL.
I WANT TO MURDER YOU.
But I'll never give that pleasure to a person with an eating disorder.
Not a fucking single chance.

So going to punish the ones who deserve this.
My "loving" insane mother, who cannot be the only person with an eating disorder that it's symptoms is extreme weight loss, she ruined me, she killed me, and she dragged my corpse, for so long, she made me a beautiful living hell, and she deserves to be punished, by "satan" itself.
My creator (aka MB), deserves to be punished even more, she created that disorders, I remember her clearly, manipulating me, to think that I'm fat (which was and is true, but still!), it ended with a fucking TEN YEAR OLD SKIPPING HER SCHOOL MEALS, she deserves to suffer, to be jealous of me, of my dreams that will come true, and I'll be happy, if not "humiliating" her in the old school, and because of it, humiliating me, with a scar, that burnt again each time over and over I hear this story, than humilating her, while she'll be a weak stupid hoe, I'll win, I'll rule.

I need to fast some more.
Each time I want to eat, I'll write what I want.
I'll make myself a binge list, when I'll be 49 or lower (since the weight flactuates endlessly in my scale), I'll prepare it, for a one evil bingey day.
If I'll even dare to eat in the middle something unaccepted, then, calcuilating my normal portion of each food, and doubling it, seeing it, and then, some mathematic shit to make myself a good thing to make it less harmful.

It's so easy to fast.
The only problem is the boredrom.
I'm  coming home earlier tomorrow, an hour earlier (Which is quite stupid, since the last hor is math, my favorie, thinsparation, happiness, finally feeling whole), meaning, a fucking hell.
I'll have to eat a bit before coming home (I guess no breakfast, thanks to that day change), then lunch, though I can attempt avoiding a large part of, replacing it with something for the practice, small, nice, enough to make me alive, and not dead during the practice, and after it, coming home, taking a nice warm shower (my private place for scratching my head like crazy, watching the dirt go away, enjoying feeling clean, and pure), then, climbing to my bed, watching a movie, with a mentos blast gum or two (low cal, and better than halls mints, in my opinion, though I eat both during class, for a less starving breath, and for making my body to think it's eating, 

I just love sport a little bit more.
Why?
Watt's shows.
The fans, the players, the cows.
One guy that sat on the bench (the youth group of mexico as far as I can rememeber), suddenly, half of the guys who say covered their nose and pointed on another guy.
He farted.

His shame.

And the goalkeppers.
You just had to see them.
The backgoround music of the editors is just perfect.
There was one, and the music was "I'm just too drunk", and the man just failed.
Failed miserably.

And Rafael Nadal (or however it spelled), the best OCD tennis player.
His hillarious.

AND THE FANS.
Forty people, sitting together, and a bunch of guys holding a sign.
All of them wore batman costumes, and the sign said "#the batcave", I wish I could find you a photo, but I don't have one.

And the fans of the Tour De France.
Two guys in a sumo suit.
A banana suit.
An egg suit.
And the cows.

....


I nead half from the people there.

Including the stoned guy who airguitared in the middle of the tennis field.

And the sumos.

And the cows.
I need a ride for school.


....


AND WHAT I DID TODAY.
REBUANNA, JONATHAN.
GAL, SHIRA, YAEL, ME.
BEST FUCKING DAY EVER.
Okay, yesterday, I was volunteering for a trip with kids with CP.
I know, tragic.
But come on, they are so cool.
There was a...


STOP REMINDING ME A DEAD PERSON.
I SHOULDN'T WATCH AVION ROE'S WHO I AM, BUT I AM.
I'LL REGRET IT.
BUT I'LL REGRET DECIDING TO GET PREGANANT WHEN THE CONTRACTIONS WILL COME.

Well the day started with an "Excresise".
If you count a finger(s) movement with a nice rhyme as an excresise, then we excresised.
And after a short while, I went on the bus, and I was quite surprised to see Gal (the blonde-ginger tall guy, you know who I'm talking about), he told me he wasn't the only one who joined late.
MB DID TOO.
He had no idea how much I wanted to turn those sleeves red because he thought she's so nice, and normal.
I feel hurt.
Deeply hurt.
I got over it, we played together a bit on Balloon's battles.
Games slove problems and issues. Deal with it.

After we got there.
Shira, Yael, and I, went together to ask for a pairing, after all, we needed a kid to come with us, it's the whole point.
We got Jonathan at first.
And after a while, while we all (the tiny four group), sat together, we had Reubaenna in front of us, her girli went away, and we asked if we can be with her.
We fooled with our names with her.
She was surprised from my name.

A very long story short, it was the best.

At the way home, Gal sat with me again.
It ended with us going for ice cream after school on Friday.

....

3 heart symbols comment, got a response.
"Cancer"
I told you that the comments are the best.


LEARING TO FUCKING SPELL TORA.
Fucking teens.
Ruining the tweens.
THERE'S A WAY TO SPELL, AND THIS IS NOT ONE.


I smile, why?
I remember the comments.
When that girl wrote to that magazine that she wants posts and posters of "heavy metal bands" like Black Veil Brides, Pierce The Veil, Sleeping With Sirens.

I can't feel half from my mouth, and the other is in pain.
Fucking joy.

Well, the comments on her post-request, the best thing ever.
You just can't hate people who make fun of others.
It's great.


...

I want to watch John Tucker Must Die.
But I don't feel like watching bunch of stupid girls being cheated on.
And I don't feel like eatching bunch of humans eating and staying thin.


I hate that I can't feel my mouth.
I have no idea if I'm bleeding or not.
And it happened me once.
It was so weird, I bit myself on the side of my tongue (the thick part, in the back of your mouth), and I assumed it was nothing.
I was drinking raspberry juice, and after I drank it, I saw pieces of unmixed dark red liquid, I assumed it was the concentrate.
It wasn't.
And that I figured out after three cups of juice.
I drank water to check it up.
I was bleeding.
It hurted for month or two.

I plan on cutting there.
It will be much better.
Easier to hide, and will make me not want to eat.

I'm awful.
My life is pretty good, considering it deeply, but I'm still that depressing stupid girl.

....


I like posting two days in one post.

...


FUCKING HATE YOU.
I HATE YOU SO MUCH.
CAN'T YOU JUST DECIDE WHO YOU ARE?!
AND YES I'M TALKING TO YOU.
YOU FUCKING SCALE.
DECIDE WHO YOU ARE!

I think I'm going to restrist again.
I just hate not knowing what I'm doing.
Well, tomorrow it's Friday.
I'll try my best.
I'll just stay in my room.
Well, it's after school, walking home (and on the morning, after no breakfast), at school I'll eat gum or something, I'll just put some rice with tomato sauce acd throw it in the end, but I'll still eat something, maybe cucumber with hummus (?), so I won't have that breath, because when I have it, it tells my mother I didn't eat, and then she forces me, and then it's a binge session, for few good days, fucking horror.
Then, guitar, after guitar I'll sleep (or try, which reminds me to get some movies, so I will be able to stay up late after white night), before white night, I'll try to not eat, using the excuse of "there's food there", and there is, it's just that I won't eat it.
If I'll have too, it's not that bad, and I'll take a small bag with me to white night if I won't, an empty bottle with a bit of coke zero (my passion), and then I'll stay awake until I won't be able to function.
Then, I'll sleep on Saturday as much as possible, and rest, like I need to.
I just can't take it any longer.
The self hatred, focusing on the weaker spots, where that short while of self love never took care of.
Fucking hell.
I'm suffocated.
From excresises, that I can't be good enough, because I'm too heavy.
From psychotic choatic adults, like my parents, my teachers (not including the teacher for science, she's the most welcoming teacher ever, I don't think I'll bother listening at all in school), the fucking therpaist.
I hate her to bones.
Why do I have to talk and expose myself and lie and draw, all the things I like to keep to myself.
You don't see me scoffing food in other's necks because that's what I do during binge days.
So why should I let people see the drawings, that even I despise, and would like to burn.

I really hope I could get away from that demon as fast as I can.
I have a plan, to keep all that hell I was through, and burn it, at the first moment of my new life, away from here, away from the life-sucking vampires, known as politicians, and every little piece of the logic in this territory.

I don't want to feel you up.
I'm good at pinching my own fat and skin, knowing how disgusting it is, I don't want to feel skinny people.
Why people use my name in songs?!
What did I ever do wrong?
Why am I in depressing songs?
Or heartbreak/lovesongs?!
I  blame the media.
Stupid music indursity, using shitty couples nicknames.

I hate the most that song, it used to be a hit, it's going like this "honey, everything honey, every morning  I lie to myself again".
Everything honey, is a phrase, saying that you're happy, it's okay, it's fine.

DEPRESSION SINCE BIRTH.

FUCKING MUSIC.

And another thing, every single Rosh Hashana, I get confused and irritated, the insane amount of the word "honey" is being said, I can't concentrate.
I get crazy.
I don't know if somebody is talking to me, or talking about the food.
I want to shoot everybody.

Fucking religion.


I want to cut myself.
I think I'll do it.
I'll take some tissues, I got an hour.

...

I'm proud of myself.
I'm full.
I consumed only water, gum, russian coctail flavored energy drink (not sure if it's of Blu or Xl, I think it's Blu), and veggie burger.
With ketchup.

I'm full as fuck.

...

Well, today is tomorrow, and I haven't eat yet. 

I'm not planning to until eleven, then I'll make some professional vegan bread. 

Oxygen Balloons

Fuck you.
I can't suffer through the words 'sex' and 'sing' or any word similiar.
I hate it.
Overtaking me.
I caught my parents yesterday.
Let's say that nothing good ever comes from it.
And today, the student council (I know two kids from there, one is Sapir, and the other is a freakshly tall guy named Mickey), they decided to put a song that reminds all the shitty reality.
Mostly from the talentless, tearful, over emotional reality singing TV shows.
It's going pretty much like this "And I sing, to be happy...", but they find a way to make it all depressing.
HOW CAN IT FUCKING BE?!
I hate people who make happy lyrics depressing.
And I hate granades on the beginning of COD Ghosts.
And the runs.
I'm a slow runner, but I can take easily heads down.

....

Really?
What a perfect name to put a song named sing it.

OH FUCK.
OH SHIT.
OH NO.

WHAT IF THEY'LL DECIDE TO PUT THE BEGINNER'S SONG ON TAP TAP 4.
HELL.
NOT MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE.
NO LINKIN PARK.
FUCK YOU.

I really hate people's choices.
Not fair.
When I want to hear music, I'll do it when I want to do it.

...

I'm getting soon period pills.
I hate them.
But at least it'll fix my acne and my uterues.
I never tell that it only changes when I change my eating behaviors, from one destructive route to another.

....

I watched earlier episodes 3 and 4 of Moone Boy.
If thinking about it, if  I'll take a safe choice, as an imaginary friend.
His name will be Shaun too.
Well, no wonder why.
He was one of my best friends in the first grade, too bad he moved.
I still remember what my mother told me, when he went to the park with his sister, and he was slightly dissapointed because I wasn't there.
He used to have flat brown over-the-shoulder hair, and he was always nice.
He probably cutted it off since.
Kids do it, a lot.
Two kids I know did it so far.
For both it fits.

...

I think I saw it on MTV rock one time.
When it's a holiday vacation, and there's nothing to do, I WILL watch/hear this channel.
Half the time they got English accent commercials.
And I'm hearing Motionless in White, the song's name is Devil's Night.
I also rememeber that I was freaking out, beacause, well, I'll be in deep shit if somebody opens the door.

OH SHIT.
THEY DON'T HAVE FACES.
THEIR PARENTS NEVER KEPT THEM SAFE.
HOLLOWFACE TOOK THEM DOWN.
INTRUDERS IS REAL.
PEOPLE, AVOID DARK TALL TREES, BEING SPANISH, AND BEING A WHITE AMERICAN GIRL, UNLESS YOU'D LIKE TO BE WITHOUT A FACE.
Though, your Spanish mother will fight for your life against some faceless adult.
Depends on what you like.

I know that the Elf and the Cowbay hate spanish people.
The cowbay hates more that exchange student, because of him, his fourteen year old real life friend (the cowbday is the imaginary one), left him, rejected him.

At least he's not wearing pink stilettos.

....

I love the way that The  Death of Me reminds me Cirque du Freak.
Just that whole scenario that looks so mysterious, and fits that kind of things, well, I liked that movie.
I like every vampire movie that the best friend is dissapointed because he didn't got bitten.

Fuck.
No.
I don't agree.
I'm doing the same thing.
But on who will it fall?
I fight my hardest to have it, and in the end, somebody I dragged with me will fall before.

No way that it's going to happen.

....

Why people (and when I say people I mean men) think it's fine to just be randomly shirtless.
Why can't I be pantsless?
What's wrong with it?
I still have panties.
Why can guys be dressed less than a Brazillian rio dancer (who barely bothers a thong), and I can't.

Wait.
I remember something funny.

Horny fourteen to sixteen year olds trying to get pictures from under of Rio festival style dancers, few years ago, when the only parade people bother to participate in, was really good.
When they actually did those Henna tattooes, and the temporairly ones.
I loved them.
I was once a damn sprakly Honda!


Well, I got no time.
I'll try my best to sleep.
I'll try my best to at least bother to do something, I just feel heavy, like, I don't even find anything good in drawing.
If that's depresion than I'm a potato.
Potatoes are so annoying.
You need to take their skin off, and you need to pick the ones that won't give you a food poisoning, or will help you cells to grow out of control, and become a tumor, and enjoy a happy potato cancer.

Happy potato cancer.
Happy lung cancer.
I want to make a sign of those things.

So yes, a blood square filled with meat indrusity head and blood (brilliant one, by the way), it does matter, but won't actually make a move, do something that you can take down.
Smoking nicotine.
Enjoy Mmarijuana, Canavis, Weed, everything, the buisnness grows in the self-growing one, but don't smoke the shitty nicotine.
In some point it's actually dangerous to stop, because your heart lives of it.

Ask Malebro guy, he's dead now.
Though he smoked all the way since fourteen but stopped later (Way later) in his life, but it wasn't a life.
It was oxygen balloons.

2 DAYS WEEKEND

I had an empty quick-cookig white oats box (or a bottle, however you'd like to call it), now I have sa full one.
Filled with water.
I like drinking it, and it's healthy.
My dad doesn't want me to do so, to drink so much.
Be glad it's ot a fucking alcohol poisoning.
Or that I'm injecting myself fucking air or that fucking liquid I'm drinking!

Today, my cousin has a birthday.
And it meas non bonus points in literture, and no relaxing for me.
And it's in the north (well almost everything that'sover an hour in a direection, cosidered the direction itself), so, yeah...

Okay yesterday, funny thing after drinking that almost 2 liter jar (optional name as well), in less than fifteen minutes I had to go to the bathroom, it was a simple bowel movement, but as always, I tried to push it down, and that water almlost came back the way that they got in, gladly in the end, I was just barely peeing.
I guess I'm dehydrated all the time, maybe my body keeps them.

I like drinking it.
I made a hole with scissors, and I jusr replace the straw.

...

I want to make food and food and more of food. 

And then not eat it. 

It's all normal until my mother is pissed from having a shitload of foods in the fridge. 

....

Are you fucking kidding me?!
All I wanted was to watch a music video, simple one, that I never saw before, but NO.
BECAUSE ISRAEL WILL NEVER BE WORTHY ENOUGH FOR YOU FUCKING PHIL TO LET ME SEE IT.
FUCK YOU PHIL.

In another case of humanity.
Samantha and Andy.
Samantha donated a kidney for  Andy after his failed (I don't know why), so after she made a desicion, she went into a healthy weight (and lost a third from her original weight), and donated it.
Now, after he cheated on her (as she claims he did), and left her (with the stereo and the television), she wants it back.
It's better than the last couple ones.
With the beans and cents.

What can I say, Americans know how to pick their women...

And some person, wrote that the same thing happened on Drop Dead Diva (one of the best ones, too bad that he almsot died, and that every single relationship got broken), and it seemed to that person bizzare back then, but now it happens on real life.

Oh, please.
And what's so normal with the amount of children (toddlers to teens) that accidently get shot?!
What's the thing with guns?!
Go figure.

Wait, she doesn't want it back.
Fuck you Itay.
You, and your friends in the technology arcticles system.
I DON'T FIND IT VERY OKAY THAT YOU COPY AND USE GOOGLE TRANSLATE ON POSTS FROM BUZZFEED.
I think people should get slapped more often.
I volunteer to do it for them.


It's such a weird familyname to have, Lamb.
It sounds so weird.
Like too fragile for a cheater and a kidney donator.

...

What do you think?
It took me under an hour for sure.
Probably around thirty minutes.
Well, it's a simple one, but I like it.
I like to think I'm good.
Something in that illusion, that lie, it's comforting me.

...

I want to fall asleep tonight.
But wishes aren't coming true to people like me.
I'm just me.

...
Here's a fifteener.

\

It's not one of my bests, but it's okay with me.
I obviously could do better, but I'm insparation-less.

....


I remember a name!
It's Caroline, but terribly misspelled (well, I never expect something spactaculer from the normal English class where I belong it, it's for the lazy and for the not-very smart ones, and it's pretty much me, because I don't like to hear the word suicide on weekly basis, I'm barely okay with saying self harm outloud, not even starting to admit I did it, or still do it), so it was Kareoline or something.
There was the letter a e o and i, and obviously k n and l, but I'm not sure in what order.
Well, it doesn't matter as olng as I'm stuck in some abondened building with Helena while George is in the hotel room, afraid as fuck, because a storm is taking over Thailand.

Fuck you george.
I want my kidney back!

....



I really have no power for anything.
And I still can't stand that annoying native american music from the last therapy meeting.
Fuck her.
Now  I can't hear Reiki Music without being freaked out that somebody can know how much I want to cut.
I want to, and then I feel shit about it.
It's not deep enough, it's not real.
It's not painful eough, it's a cowards' act.
It's not because I have real problems, it's for fucking attention.
I feel like I'm not enough for even doing it, and it's making me to want it even more.
Ugh, I'm such a stupid cunt, I can't even stand myself.
And here again, I'm not real.

I feel like Jen, Kevin's doll (it's the third or the fourth Kevin?), from Movie 43.
I should continue doing it, while learning card tricks.

....

I don't know, I'm in the middle of her crown, and nothing is completed, even her hair might be changed.
And her arm, it's too thick, well, maybe.
I lke it so far.
Her crown supposed to be like some sort of a rock, sharpley weirdly cut.

Okay, finished the crown and the nose and the eyes and the mouth.

Better?
I think so, now that stone-ice princess reminds me of an actual princess.
Well kind of.
If you sas the first few episodes of Beauty and Geek.
I stopped.
I got bored.
Well, more movies for me, and more disorders and doctors programs for me.

...


I just watned to let you know, that I got 96 on science.
Yes, that test I took few Tuesdays ago.
I wrote to my teacher that she probably had a mistake in the calculation.
THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY THAT A GIRL THAT MISSED A WHOLE SUBJECT AND DIDN'T EVEN BOTHERED TO KEEP UP WITH IT, THAT NEVER LEARNED TO THAT TEST GOT SUCH AN AMAZING GRADE.
I know I got the bonus right, but even with it, I got over 90.
WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE.
I wasn't supposed to get it.
And it's making me sad knowing that some kids who studied as hard as they can into the night, and got under 90.
Like, why do I deserve to be so much better and so much worse from the others.


I'll never have a good place in the middle.