Italy Arrives & My Opinion about Farah Gazan

I don’t want to leave home; I don’t like being away from my nest.
I want to stay here, be consoled and told that I’m okay and everything will be okay, and that I’d actually believe it, because this will probably be the sweetest lie that I’d ever hear.
But no, I need to go to Italy with my family.
I don’t want to do it!
And I know that it’s silly, because almost every other person would love to go to Italy, but I don’t want to leave my home, I know that in Italy I’d probably want to kill myself.
I know that it would be less horrendous because no stranger will say “smile Dvash, smile” to me, but it still be awful enough to make me want to cut.
Fuck I feel like the skin on my left wrist is being sliced open! But everything is okay there, well, except from one tiny bruise that is probably just dye.
I want to stop with breathing, I hate going outside to the real world when I’m not obliged to, I just want to go the simple and unnoticed way.
I just want to stay in that moment, I don’t care that I waste my life by just hearing “Destroy All Humans” of EH!DE that was remixed by Alpha Noize, but it’s way better than just going there.
I’d probably be the happiest when I’d land at the airport in Israel again, one week from now… And that’s just fucking sad, it’s not even patriotism, it is just plain agoraphobia.
I think I have it, at least that’s what my hypochondriac mind says; I also think that it’s just the unending dread when I’m outside because people will see me, and might do something, and I might do something.
Even though that I’m completely okay with being outside away from people, I mean, I absolutely hate places with bugs and animals like such, but if nature was without nature then nature would be great.
In other words, I’d rather sit in some weird corner in a coffee shop drinking tea (raspberry ruby, the flavour of my dreams) rather than being in a park or a forest.
Even though that certain parks that don’t have many people and I can find a hidden place to sit, I’d enjoy it with being on my phone, but only if it’s hidden.
I basically love being outside but just without all the things that come along with being outside.

I was about to cry earlier, but I played music and Gold of Wake Owl and just forgot a bit from everything that happens in my extremely wonderful (it is not sarcastic), and then I pressed next to hear Everything is Lost from the album Dystopia, and now I’m hearing My Chemical Romance, after I fucking cried because my mother talked to me, the second time in the last ten minutes.
If there’s one thing that I learned from having Lev as my brother, that adults are getting really stressed out when children cry or scream.
I started crying, and I’m actually being defensive against myself, and trying to reason that event, and it is really pathetic, but I can’t stop, it’s or being silly and pathetic or hating myself even more.
I’m currently unstable to function; I must return balance to ease that pain in the back of my head and the weird lump in my throat.
By the way, I am going to tell you what I’ve been asked and told during the second conversation with my mother.
She asked me if I’m going to enjoy being in Italy, I answered the truth, and she said that she wants that I’d lie to her, and requested it for her (yes, of course that caring for a person that I feel hatred and respect to is exactly what I do during a breakdown), and I repeated a couple of times no until I understood that it won’t end if I’m going to continue like this, she asked why, I said that  I don’t like being away from home and that I don’t really know, and she said that everybody is going to have fun, and she tried to hug me a couple of time, and I rejected it, I can’t stand others touching me when  I feel vulnerable, unless I ask it from them, and  Ii felt like absolute shit from that moment until this very moment.
I fucking hate my wonderful life.
I hate it, but I have nothing else, so I have to get along with it.

I hate crying.
At least it wasn’t an actual emotional cry.
I think that I don’t know how to do these anymore, I use my tears as a weapon and not as an outlet.

Wow, this is damn awful, I hate feeling this way.
I feel like my fingers are shaking again from the inside, but also that they are numb… No, not numb, more like, they are not mine.
Yes, this is exactly what they are! I feel like that they are not mine, I mean, I can function, I can feel pain, it’s a hand, but I am not used to it.

I’m breathing deeply now, I have to soothe myself.

I want to cut.
I just really need it now.
Like all of the other times… But I have the weird feeling that this is the answer.
I have my pathetic and useless razors near my bed, and I’m not even attracted to them, I used to want them, but they are so small and dull compared to what I want.

You know what’s the best thing in the last stressful period? (I assume that it’s closer to anxiety attack rather than panic attack, but still I’m not sure, so I’m going to call it this way.)
That even if I heard an alarm in the back of my head, I would completely ignore it, simply because I’m too distracted by the fear.


Okay, I want to blog a bit, about a certain topic that includes Gaza now.
The fact that many in the world are taught and believe that Israel is always the bad guy.
Name a war that we attacked first.
Actually, maybe it was the war for releasing Jerusalem after it was taken away a couple of years after the foundation of the country, but  I’m not hundred percent sure.
But we rarely attack.
This war started from a couple of guys, kidnapping three Israelis, and butchering them, the IDF and the police tried everything, revealing that the head of the police is unsuitable for being in his job, and he was fired or that he quit (it happened quite a while ago, so I don’t remember this detail), and around two Palestinians were murdered after it was discovered that they were probably the kidnappers, and then Hamas decided “Oh, they killed them? A LEGITIMATION FOR ATTACKING!” And now we’re here.
Anyway, I wanted to open an account for the Israeli girl point of view (the realm of Farah Gazan), and it kinds of annoying that people do not understand or completely ignore the other side, may I say that if we didn’t have the iron dome, the amount of the deceased in Israel would be so high, that the difference in the numbers would be unbelieveable, or maybe not, because almost everywhere we got a shelter or a safety room, simply because of that reason, and we’re taught in our school, around two times in a year we go to the shelters, and it’s usually guided by the oldest age group in school, but you should fucking understand that, hey! There are plenty of Israeli kids who are rather safe, simply because the government cares more about the citizens rather than killing the enemy (!), but they are forever changed, some hear alarms in their heads for a period of time (I’m not sure how long mine would stay, it didn’t stop yet), some will promise to themselves to join the IDF, so that the other children won’t have to experience the same thing, some want to leave as fast as possible from the land, just to be safe, and others want to stay, to never give up.
And that’s fucking insane.
That’s absolutely insane.
People should fucking open their eyes and see the damage.
So yes, maybe I’m not the best example for the terrorized citizens in the country, actually, I’m not even fucking close, because I live in the central, but there are the people, who live near Gaza, who have tunnels of the enemy, six hundred meters away from their home! Enemy that in its agenda says that you deserve to die, no matter what; a merciless enemy; an enemy, that has no respect to their own citizens life, so your life is worthless (*whispers third reich*).

I got two minutes to bed, and I wanted to say that I’m sorry for not posting in the last two days, I just fell asleep at three am, and being too lazy to copy from word and post to blogger.
Anyway, I am going to bed, to try to fall asleep, even though that it’d be or very hard or very easy, so… Yup, going to bed!

Distractive Things.

I just can’t believe that this is what I’m doing with my life, I mean, it’s or watching and hearing music, or playing that one videogame, or drawing, or looking on unhealthy websites (or healthy but with my bad intention), or just another ways to waste my time.
I assume that it’s better than what many other people do like that awful self-promotion that many love; I know that what I’m doing now is a sort of self-promotion while I’m blogging, but the difference is that I don’t shove it into other’s throats.
In the old class’ WhatsApp group (primary school) they mostly use it for requesting others to follow for follow, which is pathetic, because, come on! You have that other option of simply making good things and tagging properly and just wait, I did it, I got four fifty followers, simply because that I did good stuff that I enjoy.
It’s ridiculous that people seek for attention so desperately that they actually do that shit.
It makes me hate Instagram, I use it only for Ghost Town and visual artists, that’s all, and even then I hardly use it.

Sorry, around ten hours passed since the last paragraph.
I’m writing now, because all that I can say to myself is to stop before I do anything regrettable.
My mother yelled at me a couple of minutes ago, for not cleaning the shower properly, she yelled at me so disrespectfully, and she didn’t let me speak at all.
I felt so horrible through it, she doesn’t give a fuck about any person around, and trust me that I’m trying my best.
That pain again, on my left temple, it happens from time to time, I don’t know why.
I just wanted to go and cut myself earlier, I really want to do it, because no matter what I’m trying, I’m not enough.
And I know that I shouldn’t care, because she’s so bitchy to me all the time, she thinks that I’m ruined by the education I’m getting in school (most of my town’s citizens are left winged, my mother is titling herself as radical right), and I’m afraid that she’s starting to treat me like a less than a human, which is pretty much the basic, even a monstrous person is something, because you’re still a person, but I don’t even get that respect.
I just want to end it.
Fuck.
I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live this way either, and sadly, I’m not a legal person yet, so I can’t escape, or do what I want to do, so currently I’m going to deal with it.
It sucks, because before that you’re considered to be an adult, you don’t really live, and it’s awful, you don’t have the freedom that humans tend to need, you have no right to do so many things, and it sucks.
I’m not allowed to be who I am, simply because that I’m still under the custody of my parents.
I just want to leave life now, and come back a couple of years from now.

I just can’t stand being so young.
It’s a waste of my potential as a young human being.
After three decades or so, I wouldn’t be able to do many things, and on eight or so from now, I would probably die.

I want to cry right now.
All the pain that I give to the people around me is just awful, and it’s not even that I enjoy harming people, I’d rather stay away from them, I always hurt the people that I love, and I don’t want to hurt them, and even the ones that I don’t love, the ones that make my life harder than it can, I don’t want to hurt them, maybe letting them feel what I feel, but I have no interest at hurting people.
So yes, maybe it goes against some things that I’ve said before, but remember that I usually don’t remember anything that I wrote before, so deal with it.
I want to hurt people when I need to, when it’s my job, but that’s it.

I’m reading Killjoy’s blog (Your Misery and Hate Will Kill Us All –funny, I just heard that line as I wrote it!) and she writes this:

“If it was up to me.
My whole family would be on medication.
Maybe except the husband of my mother.
Except from him, everybody.
To my mother something for Paranoia, changing moods, and sleeping pills.
To my brother something that will take down his violence levels.
To my sister some sedatives.
And for me, changing moods, depression, sedatives and something against panicking.
Even though that I don’t want to be on medication, and I’m sure that they don’t either.
So I’m staying quiet.”

That made me wonder if I used to be this way too.
Oh, and I also changed a bit form the translation, now it makes more sense, and it was very hard for me to not write in the actual terms, because she just named symptoms rather than disorders usually.
And it was very weird for me to try to translate panicking, as our word for anxiety and panicking is not the same thing but it was misused so often that it formed to be the same.
Well, I wonder how old she is.
I mean, I assume that she’s a young teenager, by who she is.

I feel pain in my left elbow.
Why would I feel pain in different body parts?  There’s no damn reason.
I know that on water fasts, while you regenerate your body, it has time to rebuild and fix old injuries so it can hurt, but I was eating so much lately that it just doesn’t make sense.

It’s nine pm, almost thousand words, let’s see how many would we have until midnight.
Midnight; when I think about midnight, I think about many things that will never matter enough to be shared, they are just pieces of stale information.

I’m afraid of using my headphones, in case that I miss an alarm, even though that I know that I’d probably hear it, and that my family would let me know, but still, I just feel it.
I told you about it in my previous posts.
Fuck, it’s so annoying, it just builds up, and I calm down only when I let one ear to be out of my headphones, and when I’m calm, I put my headphones again, and I’m at step one of that unending cycle.
I just want to stop breathing.

Well, I need some distraction, let’s try to make parodies, or laugh at stuff, or DIY stuff, whatever that helps to lighten up!
Let’s talk about….  Talk about the medication idea!
I’m personally more familiar with the use of the words like “pills” -or if I’m at the after Sala Samobojcow mood “tablets”.
My mother would probably… Actually, no, I have no idea, and I don’t find myself fit for giving her anything.
My father shouldn’t get anything, maybe an anxiety reliever at low doses.
My sister shouldn’t get anything, she rocks.
My brother is too young and hyper and the only difference between him and my sister and I, is that he’s way younger, therefore, less mature.
Myself, what should I give myself? Mood suppressors? Anxiety relievers? Painkillers? Nothing? Nothing.
I mean, there are no existing problems that are treatable with me! Hello everyone? It’s fucking puberty, heard of it? It’s a bitch to have, but most of people in the western world get out of it alive.
Why I said western world? Because in the third world countries and the undeveloped ones, most of them starve to death or are murdered before adulthood.

Since I stopped for the sake of my privacy (a shameful and awkward smile), I have no idea what I was talking about.
It’s eleven and twenty two minutes pm.

I earlier read an article about self-injury. (“Read” that’s funny, it just reading every third paragraph or so.)
I feel awkward now, since I feel like I’m faking it as well, as I’m able to control my urge to do so, which is basically for keeping my sanity safe because it’s very hard for me to handle being without the technology, as I have no other way to express myself and release all my thoughts, and I just have to use multiple outlets at all times; back to the sentence that I strayed off from, I feel like I’m not even a real injurer, I feel like everything that I do is artificial and it sucks, all I do is distraction, which isn’t that bad, considering that it could’ve been in the other way, to not have anything to do, like, being stuck 24/7 in these specific thoughts.
I’m actually now feeling quite grateful for having all these distractions, like art, and music, and blogger, and all the other things that I can easily forget about, but that they change a lot, they make the difference, if I didn’t have them, I’d probably be dead by now.

It’s way after midnight (but the previous paragraph was at about eleven thirty), and I reached to a bit over fifteen hundred.
I think that it’s because my lookout for atheist pages all the damn time,  but I just think a lot about the fact that in many beliefs, Jesus is white, which doesn’t make sense, at fucking all.
I want you to take a look at native Israelis (who were here for quite a while), or many middle eastern from that specific Israeli area, we are not white; the rather white people are Europeans who immigrated at different times.
Some say that it’s just European and American propaganda, so that Jesus would look more like the believers to-be, and it’s quiet a nice idea, but it doesn’t make sense, at all.
There are so many things that doesn’t make sense, but that specific thing seems so basic and weird…

Why am I laughing so hard from this one?! It’s so weird and hilarious at the same time!
It’s on Atheist Jesus (I’m desperate, I’m looking for ex-Christian Atheism pages) and it was uploaded at July fifteenth, and it’s “Hey, you wanna hear a joke? Christian Death Metal.”
I don’t know why I find it so funny, maybe it’s because of JesusIsSavior.Com?

Anyway, it’s two am, I’m going to bed simply because my back hurts.
Good night, or morning, whatever you got there.

Stanley and Scalpels

I am writing now at the classic and good font of  “Times New Roman”, I don’t know why, but I like it
more than the simple and smooth “Calibri”, I assume that it’s because of when I was blogging via
Blogger, the default font was “Times New Roman”, maybe it’s not, but from some reason, I like it.
Anyway, today I woke up at ten or so, which means seven hours of sleep, which is pretty good.
At eleven and nine minutes the alarm went off, and I assumed that the weird water-like sound is the Iron
Dome missile sound of sending out a missile, and we heard the explosions, there were two.
After the alarm stopped, we waited for three minutes and then returned to our businesses.
I assume that it’s the first and last alarm for the day.

I opened the news website; I just found that the US suggested ceasefire.
Now, I don’t know about you, but I remember the last ceasefire that occurred around a week ago, it was
suggested from an outer source as well, which is Egypt; the Hamas broke it.  Oh, and this one is
hilarious because how weird and silly it is, once, the Hamas itself asked for ceasefire, and guess what?
THEY BROKE IT!
How odd… To suggest something you disagree with? I believe that it’s very odd.
You know what’s even odder? That Israel falls for it every single time, and it actually sucks for the southern citizens, who just want to live undisturbed, and they can’t get it.
I just hope that this combat-tension will make one big war to just calm the shit down for a while or that they’ll stop, because it’s ridiculous that… You know what song am I thinking about? Hot ‘n’ Cold.
I just wanted to start writing “…that they change their mind like…” and it continued off in my head to “… a girl changes her clothes…” which is really weird.

I’m going to eat my breakfast/lunch now, I’m not even bothering with the word brunch because I haven’t eaten breakfast yet but it’s already twelve pm.
I was supposed to eat soon after I woke up, but let me tell you that myproana.com was in some way –my breakfast; I assume that you can understand it, as it’s not that hard to understand.

Wow, I don’t like that middle eastern singing style, but this song’s lyrics is so emotional and heart breaking that you don’t care about that style, as it’s that amazing.

Okay, remember the blog “your misery and hate will kill us all”? (because fuck capitalizing titles that are also lyrics, right?)

I’m now reading her new posts.
She put “Ghost of You” in one of her posts, as it really speaks about the situation.
I don’t know guys, usually when there’s a thing that threatens my life in a way, I’d rather not think about it 24/7.    I think that it’d just be better currently to… I don’t know… Give hope for the soldiers that are in and around Gaza, let them know that everything would be alright, rather than the fact that there are many who died (thirteen to many), and they might join them at any moment because the enemy won’t rest until Israel will come to an end.  I just don’t want to focus on the bad if there’s some good, maybe it’s just being overly hopeful, but that’s better than just mourning endlessly, the ceased soldiers, they fought for Israel, for their homeland, they fought for me to exist, for my friends to exist, they died for us to live, and that’s amazing, it would’ve been more amazing if they were alive, but let’s forget about it, since it’s not helping, all of them came to fight and to save their loved ones.            If that’s not amazing, then I don’t know what.

Back to the song, it sucks that I don’t feel comfortable hearing it, and I just feel guilty and stressed out and confused and start to think about plenty of things that annoy me, and I won’t give an example because I wrote it before but I deleted it as it was too long, and I wanted to listen to Billy Talent’s Fallen Leaves, and then all of the sudden, I remembered the poem that Yuval wrote once at holocaust days, and I don’t feel comfortable hearing things that remind me it too much.

Fuck, I just stopped trusting that sounds in my head, I have to ignore it, I can’t let it control me, I know it’s not real, the alarms in my head aren’t real, so I’d better just ignore their existence.
Oh, very funny, just as I wrote that sentence, the police car was outside the building, and through their speakers they said something, I was at first hundred percent sure that it’s Red Code alarm in our city which is practically impossible, but it didn’t stop my mind from panicking me, all they said was that a Suzuki was blocking the road.
My hands are shaking, ha-ha, so silly of me.
I just fucking hate this summer.

Okay, I was just sure that instead of my guitar that lies on my chair now there was some humanoid creature, staring at me, waiting for me to response and scream and panic.
I am able to see it only from the corner of my eyes.

I feel like my whole body is numbed, and I feel like I’m faking every physical reaction, I feel like my hands are shaking from the inside and that they are unstable, but the truth is that they aren’t moving weirdly, this is so weird.

I want to cry, but I can’t, sometimes, I think that I can’t even cry anymore, but I know that if I feel pressured and nervous, I do so, as a defence, it’s fake but that’s how it is, and I believe that this is pretty much it.

I watched some Iron Man 3.
It’s weird, I watched only the first one and the last one, I haven’t watched the second film, simply because the cable company never puts it.

I hear alarms in my head, I just ignore it with loud music in my headphones.
It’s annoying as hell, I just hear it, and I feel like I should start panicking and run, but I know that it’s not real and I’m just making it up.
It’s time for some distraction!

Okay, let’s start with it, my wound looks weird, I think it’s starting to build scar tissue, but it just looks weird; purple and brown mixture as my flesh, bits of fraying skin, some weird rotten apple colour (the insides of it) under the fraying skin, and in the purple and brown strange thing, there are white things, they look like spider webs, which is pretty cool, but I think it’s just new skin forming.
I’m really curious about if there will be a scar or not, and if so, how it’d look like.
Okay, the one on my leg has that white stuff but around, it looks like frayed skin, but it’s just less bad as well so I have to guess what it is.
I just took off the frayed bits of skin, the first one was easy, but the second one was much smaller and much closer to the wound itself, but I managed to do it.
I’m listening to “Before the Lobotomy” of Green Day, I forgot for a minute what Lobotomy was, but I remembered that I read about it a couple of days ago, I got reminded by the greatness of the internet.

I think I’m going to sim.
I guess that I’d do anything to distract myself.
Fuck, I just keep getting reminded about the creepypastas and now the top of my brain hurts, I hope it’s just because of my lacking sleep skills.

Okay, I’m going to watch some “working at a clothing store” videos on YouTube, which might become useful in a couple of years.
I mean, at fourteen on summer, and at sixteen all around the year.

…

Well, quite a while passed.

I made some food, heard some music, watched a movie, after a while in that period of time, I took a shower, as I dried my body I heard the beeping sound of some truck, I thought about how awkward it will be if the missile alarm will remake it’s sound.
And let me tell you something, it was awkward.
Yes, I was caught by the alarm while being naked.

I really want now to have an Instagram/Facebook account/page with the name “Just Israeli  Things” (parody for Just Girly Things) and have this as one.

Okay, when I wrote that last thing, it was ten pm, I was sure that I would be able to sleep earlier, but nope, I couldn’t.
I just finished watching Freaky Friday, and there was a very big part of me that just wanted to cut, it didn’t have any trigger whatsoever, but I wanted to do it.
I wondered if the urge to do so ever fades away.
So I googled it, since it did not offer the warmth and safety and honest that I was looking for, I also typed the link of MPA; it brought me the results that I was looking for, but some stuff that I didn’t intend to look for, but I ended up on a thread named “What songs trigger you?” and it got me thinking, what will trigger me when it comes to music?
And I understood that everything that reminds me of who I really am. I mean everything that I’ve done, or that reminds me of it.           So yes, I may be completely numb to certain songs which most cry their hearts on, but I will want to cry hysterically on Breathe Me of  Sia, and not only because of the lyrics, there’s a part that it was on Eclipse, and even though that the plot is cheesy, but Gal and I used to love it, and that brings me to it.
I hate myself so much for doing anything with her, all I did ended up harming her so severely that I just don’t believe that it was fair from the beginning.
Same with many songs that bonded us up and had a big influence.
Lana Del Ray’s voice will just make me hate my existence, and especially Born to Die, and I’m not even sure I’m fit for hearing Matty B Raps songs and covers.

I really want to cut my ankles now, I have this weird need to cut at the ends of bones and at the connection of bones, like the ankles, wrist, elbow, knee, between the damn ribs.
But I have this fantasy, to cut that weird sacks below my eyes, because if I can’t cry tears, shouldn’t I be able to do it with blood?

Wow I’m being pathetic.
And it doesn’t help my overall mood… Fuck.

I want to go back to that stupid panic group therapy, where I was relatively normal, with just extreme disdain from bugs that made me to have the symptoms of these attacks, I miss the kids who had these fears from even more irrational or so rational that it’s crazy fears, I just want my old life back, without the inability to sleep until I’m exhausted enough to just fall practically anywhere and go to sleep like that.
I just don’t enjoy it anymore, I’d rather be in that harmful relationship with Yali, still cutting myself, still having that fucked up eating habits who include binging and starving, and being miserable.
You know what? No, I don’t. Or maybe I do? I don’t know anymore. I just know that puberty sucks and soon it’ll be over.

I’m such a pathetic loser, I’m thirteen, and instead of having (harmful) relationships with girls and guys; I lurk in forums and threads, findings new ways to get razors and the brands and kinds.
Ouch, my right wrist just had that weird thing again, it is this way for such a long time that I just don’t mind it, but it’s like something inside is moving or twitching and gladly, instead of long and awful pain, it’s short and just feels weird and somewhat painful.
Let me tell you why I am surprised.
I never cut in my right wrist.
It’s like some corrective pain?
Wow, okay, I still feel something weird in there.
I have a really weird and funny thought now; WHAT IF MY VEIN IS PREGNANT AND IT’S JUST GOING THROUGH DELIVERY?
That was stupid, awkward, and doesn’t relate to anything.

I’m now thinking about the razors I keep in my closet, only to make me calm by having the option of saying “fuck it all” and doing it; even though that I don’t plan on such things soon, I still have that urge which sucks, I just want to see some of my own blood, to just feel the razor going through my skin, I have no idea why….  I wonder what purpose this action has….  Will it give me happiness? Not so sure. Will it ease my suffering? Probably not, it will be a mere distraction if at all. Will it help me in any way? Only at removing the urge and maybe calming myself down, giving me the small sense of control, and a reminder of who I used to be four years ago.
That’s it, it has nothing good to benefit me, yet, I want to do it.
I just can’t wait for being eighteen.
I just need to find out now where can I get such razors, the oversized utility razors, or the scalpels.
I just tried looking for razors, and I used the Hebrew word, to my surprise, there are two places that their name meaning is “Razor” or “Razors” which is hilarious. The cutter from Razors, it’s in the same category of the vegan from a place named “Vegan”.
I found a website that sells a pack of hundred razors for a really cheap price!
There is one which is hooked and one that it’s a plain trapezoid shaped one, both made by Stanley.
I assume that less than one NIS for hundred is cheap, because, well, it’s cheaper than gum!
And there’s a bonus, two Carbide razors, but it’s only for that period of time, so, no bonus, even though that it wouldn’t matter since I don’t need these ones, oh, did you know that this website is a mechanic tool shop?
Oh, everybody says that shaving razors work the best, but I have problems with the size, they are so uncontrollable and small for me, I’m afraid that I’d cut and if I want to do deep, it will just sink in the wound, and I really don’t want to pick them up with tweezers or going to the doctor’s office with a razor in my body, that’s just weird.
I’m looking now for scalpels, there aren’t as cheap, but I assume that it’s not that bad… Oh wait, it found me something else.

Anyway, I’m going to try to sleep once again, hoping that now I’d be able to do so.
I’m going to exhaust myself!

Good night.

You can tell when I see that stuff on YouTtube

I was woken up at first by my father, he tried to open my window and close my air conditioner, I told him “No. Leave.” And then I was woken up again, by a fucking chainsaw! So did my sister; tell me who the fuck uses a chainsaw before brunch time?! I mean, no earlier than eleven!
It should be a law, it’s annoying as hell!
I’m now sitting on one of my beanbags, the other one is across the room, which is funny because my room is so small that I can say that it’s across the room and still a meter away from me.
I’m listening to Dark Tranquillity, it’s another step towards increasing the knowledge the music and cutting down (I’m starting to think about the self-harm jokes that I was reading about, some thread on MPA was about a girl being upset because of self-harm jokes)  on my open tabs.
Wow, okay, Arch Enemy, impressed, very impressed; I’m listening to “Yesterday is Dead and Gone” and I enjoy it.

I was in one of the American atheism Facebook pages, and it just showed me that America and Israel are even more similar than I thought; I didn’t know that in the religion belt it’s that bad, hell, I didn’t know about the taxes either! Now I know it, and it’s just giving me another perspective about anything made in America, which is good; since that I missed the information about the Israeli culture during it’s beginning to until the seventies (about 30 years), I’m going to learn the new ones, it’s frustrating, but it’s better than nothing.
I think that probably folk metal is one of the better genres that exist, it’s like folk (which is amazing by itself) but with a twist, I like folk rock, folk metal, now it makes me wonder, what else does it have? Folk jazz? Oh, it’s real! I’m trying to Wikipedia everything that I can possibly find about these magical music gems.

I was looking in another subgenre, now it’s all that I can find about a band named “Sol Invictus”.

I have to say something, yesterday I asked my friend for her Rosh 1 magazine that she carried in her bag, I quickly looked for the music page (who is not MTV page, which is simply popular music rather than music news) and I found nothing new; I understand how silly it is from me to tell you about nothing, but it brings me to this point, where I say that it’s really hard to keep up with the bands you like, I have to guess what happens, and just be very active even though that Twitter is annoying with its updates (the old look was just fine!) and Facebook is the reaper of privacy, Google+ just doesn’t work, I find checking my email to be exhausting, and (sadly) nobody knocks on my door and telling me exactly what’s new in my interests!

I’m watching more about YouTubers having another internet personality, like fake personality, inspired from an Onision Speaks’ video, and I’m looking for others that speak about it.
I just never thought about it.

I think I’m going to draw some more stickers.
Wait, no, I’m going to explain it to you!
I got that masking tape that I bought once, and I like drawing on it and stick it to my bed posts, I feel it’s like the least harmful self-expression in decoration of room ever, so far I got a “Happy” with purple and yellow weird background, a one with two blood cells holding themselves so the stitched wound will open and they say “Rebel!!!”, I also got one that Yael drew for me, it’s a red with whie dots toadstool that’s in the center of a blue and bits of green background, I have some weird sims one that has the classic one in the middle and one thinner in one side and one thicker in the other side, I also have one that my brother drew, it’s a mountains with trees or flowers.                 I like these posts, this bed is probably the best way to express myself, I mean, all of the things that are around it, and all the things that are in its shelves.

I’m going to eat.

OKAY WOW.

Eleven hours passed since that sentence!

Since that the in between doesn’t really matter, I’m going to shortly sum it up!
I ate, I watched Bat Mizvah films and laughed about them, I noticed that in one, the soundtrack was “Lonely Day” of System of a Down, and then it suddenly was “Only Girl” of Rihanna and then “Diamonds” of her as well, then I did things that I do not remember, I watched some videos made by people who have studied the middle eastern Israel-Palestine conflict, and they said that the main reason that in the media people stick with Palestine is that because Israel never knew how to explain themselves, I loved how true they are.

That’s pretty much it.

In the past hour or so I watched Onision’s videos filed in a playlist named “Depression”.

I think about it a lot in these hours anyway, so why won’t I do it?
I’m enjoying it; I’m trying to understand something that I cannot really understand, I can just guess, but I can never fully understand, simply because I’m not this other person who feels this way, I can just feel something close to what this person described and attempt to relate, but other than that, I can never understand them.

Okay, I’m watching now “Forever Hated” and Skye (is that the correct name?) is making faces and doing stuff in the back, I love it! I do it with acting out the words, but not just acting out, acting out super dramatically, and that entertains me and my surroundings.
Entertain; entertainment; entertained.
Okay I’m really bad at spelling certain words, so this is the explanations, fuck this is another word now.
Explain; explained; explanation; explaining; explainer.
I feel really silly for doing so, but it’s what I’m doing and you’re going to bear with me, or not, there’s a close button for this tab, so you can do whatever you want; this is the fucking internet.

I wanted to say something, but I looked for something in Ebay, and now I just lost what I was thinking about.

Hm, let’s talk about my weird self (I really have nothing else to speak about in this blog that’s dedicated to my everyday life), the perspective and the happiness that follows it.
I have so many places to start from, so I’m going to make several sentences that will develop to things at each time, they’ll be in Italic.
I hate to fake smiles; I feel that each time that somebody tells me to smile when I’m not smiling just makes it worse, I mean, I smile if I want to, and if I’m happy I’ll smile, if I don’t smile it doesn’t mean that my life necessarily revolve around misery and I’m going to commit suicide at any given moment, it means simply that I don’t feel a large amount of happiness in that situation or that I have no need to physically express it; so each time that somebody tells me to smile, depends on the person (there’s a very small amount that I don’t do it for), I just give them the most obviously-faked smile, and then they usually say something in the spirit of “Come on Dvash, a real smile!”  And I know how stupid it is, after it I usually frown, and that’s not nice either; long story short, I hate people who say you to smile when you don’t want to.
Near the ending, I remembered what I wanted to say, it’s something that I thought about today a lot.
The fact that my brain development and its current state could have been taken away from me, since the moment that I was being born; when I was born, I was born purple as I said a couple of times before, because that I couldn’t breathe, I never connected the dots and never came to the understanding that I could have been born with Cerebral Palsy or another brain damage condition.
I want to thank the amazing doctors who did everything to make sure that I’m going to have a good life, in fact, amazing life.
Look, not only that my IQ is not severely low, it’s quite above the average, I’m classified as a gifted by the Israeli ministry of education, and by tests that I’ve easily passed at the third grade (I was an above average nine year old, I have no idea if it really counts now too, since that all I can do is be really creative and talkative and I’m a relatively a quick leaner and I’m adapting to situations), it’s amazing, I just need to thank these doctors so much.
I have wonderful life, and I should really go hunt for these doctors and let them know that everything that they’ve done is amazing.
I was born with a large birth mark, and it didn’t say anything good, as such a large and dark birth mark can have a bad medical future.
I have actually probably one of the better lives, and since I’m adaptable, I can pretty much have a nice future, even though that in some points of nights I will completely disagree with what I say (puberty is magical, isn’t it?) but I actually have an amazing amount of opportunities.

Short pause, it’s really easy to tell when I watch multiple Onision videos, don’t you agree?

Okay, I just wanted that I really think that being a Doctor is amazing; it’s a fucking expensive seven years of hard studying, but it’s totally worth it if you know that you’re saving lives.

Okay, it’s three am and ten minutes, I’m going to bed

679 Short Words

Okay, today I was at the last Cabarian meeting.
It was fun. Actually, it was very funny.
We started from a brunch at Gal’s place, and from there we went to a small park, took some group photos and then we just had fun with some riding bicycles, some sitting and hearing music (Ailail, the most dark “darkness” girl), and sitting, and climbing on a tree.
I was one of the climbers, I was probably the most curious one, I tested the limits when I was on it; I tested the tree’s limit and my own limit; I climbed for a very high spot, it was like forty minutes or so of fun, and then I decided to go down (After switching a couple of places at about the same height) so I could explore another branch, I thought that I could jump; I may rewrite it so you’d understand the consequences –I thought I could jump.
I was wrong, miserably wrong, I just ended having one leg on the desired spot, one hand hanging on the first spot’s branch, and the other two flailing in the air as bits from my skin are tearing off, and I started to bleed.    It was fun.
At the exact same time, another guy fell from an electric bicycle, and he was such a whiny bitch! I mean, we clearly saw that you barely fell, and the main reason that I told him that he’s being a total pussy about it is because A, it’s true, and B, I don’t like him, he’s an asshole who thinks that it’s funny to mistreat me and say and behave in certain ways, C, I was happy and I couldn’t care less.
Anyway, Michael, Gal, Shani, Yael, Ben, and me had a water-balloon fight; it started from Michael throwing a balloon on me while I was with my bicycle.

It was a good day, but right now I’m being rather serious (and maybe a bit of melancholic?) because I’m reading a bit about the Satanic bible, and look, it’s by mere interest, I don’t believe in a rejected angel that is tired of the games of god and the angels and thinks that it’s ridiculous. (Whispers: Patch-Jab-Patch-Jab!)
I don’t believe in such being, but I do believe in ideas (when I think about ideas I visualize balloons, actually, it’s more like floating jellyfish, because it’s very jelly-like and very watery and puncture-able at the same time), and the ideas that this specific book has intrigue me, you cannot believe how amusing it is that all the people who go against this “Satan” and “Hell” things teach and work by most things that are written there, and some is even better, written there in not in their book, these rules are my basic life rules (through not thinking about religion but defines as myself as a Jew [I still consider myself as one sometimes, just because of that specific area and things that I understand] to the I’m an atheist, I’m going to learn about the bible next year, a friend of mine complains that we’re going to study about evolution as she thinks it’s not true, I’m going to enjoy next year), just with more things I should consider.
If you’re interested just go for the website here (www.thesatanicbiblefree.com), I’m now at the nine satanic statements, I was previously at the sins.

I’m in Reddit, the title is “It must really suck to be an Atheist named ‘Christian’.” Nice comments.

Okay, it might be just me, but I never called the head-covers of different beliefs’ “veils”, as that when I usually say veil, I think about the bridal ones, since we have two different words, one sounds like a variation of poison, and one has a magical and divine, which now gives me a whole another conspiracy world to operate.

I simmed for quite a while, I’m going to bed, I hope that my weird wound’s scar tissue will heal nicely, because now there’s weird glossy and dirty brown tissue.
Oh well.

Shedding a Tear for the Non-Existent

I just sit in my seat, and hear music, watching a video and then to another one, on repeat.
Now it’s Frank Iero’s 2.5MG Just Ain’t Enough For Me, and I’ll have to hear it once again at evening, I have better ears and brain at night.
I have better brain function after four pm and better body before four pm, and that explains very well many things.
For example why I trip on and get hurt by them on morning even though they are clearly visible at morning time, and why I write and blog more at the evening, I almost made myself laugh, like my blog writing is deep and thoughtful!

I think my period is over, finally!
It explains why I had that long emotion wave last night, phew, it was exhausting and I’m glad it’s over! Thinking about it, it’s such a small price for ignoring most of my emotions and having the ability to turn them on or off.
I want some pita and pesto, it’s the best thing ever; maybe not, considering that every once in a while I have a favourite meal and I only eat it (or eat as many times as I can) and I work this way, so it’s not necessarily the best thing ever, it can be a relatively good in front of other things.

Oh, I just went to play with my sister in a very old educational website that I used to play a lot in, I didn’t learn a lot as most of it I knew because of how my parents raised me, but it always had a nice amount of educational material; the main part in there was an area named “Where’s the Money?” which is about money handling and alike, I found it fun because of the games, but today  I really enjoyed, I played in a game where I was the finance minister, which I failed at being, no matter what, and at the points where I didn’t have enough money I said loudly “Where’s the money?” which made me smile, as it’s the most famous quote of our current finance minister.
I found it funny, but I also found funny that at some late time of one day my sister asked me what table cloth should she buy for some party (inside a game where you make the shopping for a certain event by a list) and I said “it doesn’t matter, they are going to pee on it anyway!” and laughed really loudly, so, yeah…
I’m watching hairstyle and haircut videos, I am not in the mood for music and there aren’t any good sims films suggested, so yes, I’m wasting my time on scene kids, even so that Kittenhsupreme is being really cool.
I’m messing around with a shoelace that I had in my drawer for some reason, I brought it last night to have fun, because trying to use your hands as nun chucks and make the holding position and switching by sides doesn’t work, it doesn’t even hurt, it’s just physically impossible.
I’m weird and my nose’s inside feels funny.

OH IT’S SO CUTE! I’M WATCHING FAIRY KEI VIDEOS!
It’s way cuter than other kei’s.
Actually, last statement was wrong, I’m going to watch now other keis, I need a Visual kei which I watched some in the past, but I really want Oshare kei, which is happy and bubbly and unique visual kei, but I also need Angura kei, which is dark visual kei, almost punk and goth.
BUT I REALLY NEED DOLLY KEI.
Oh, almost every dolly kei is also a cult party style, which is not what I want, but I have to go with it.
I can’t find so many keis, I just gave up.

In slightly different news, you know that I want to watch anime and tv programs a lot, because I miss so much, but you also know that I’d prefer watching movies, and you also know the reason (with movies it’s one time or around it and that’s it, with tv programs it takes an eternity), but it doesn’t make me want to stop.

I’m listening to Heaven’s Basement’s Fire, Fire.
I just had no idea how many bands I’m missing! Heavne’s Basement, Dead!, The Dead Lay Waiting, Ashtoangels (I don’t like just as much), In Flames, Beartooth, Grouplove, Awolnation, and many more that or I mentioned enough or that I can’t remember.
I think I’m going to sim, now it’s one pm, exactly one pm, never mind that, it’s one and one minute pm.

It’s two and sixteen minutes, the only reason that I stopped is because of Sapir, she just called me, telling me that she has an emergency, her mother bought her for her birthday a couple of nail polishes, and her mother also says that she’s too young to wear nail polish, Sapir thinks that it’s because of her fifteen year old cousin who doesn’t wear makeup and nail polish so her mother thinks that if the fifteener doesn’t do it, than her thirteener clearly shouldn’t do it.
She asked me if I can tell her mother that it’s not this way, I agreed as I know how right she is, I mean, my ten year old sister do it, I did it (nail art was such a great hobby at the time, wasting my time and inhaling gasses that I shouldn’t be around), my cousins do it, and their ages vary from four to forty! There are always the younger brothers that wants to do it too, my brother asked for nail polish for boys… OH FUCK I JUST UNDERSTOOD SOMETHING MAGICAL.
My brother might wear nail polish at one of his phases and I’m going to enjoy it, a lot, I assume that that I enjoy other’s teen phases and that sort of stuff too much, I assume that my dream job right now is to be around these people.

It’s four thirty; I had fun with my siblings for around an hour and a half, it was fun; even though that now my throat feels funny, maybe a bit sore.                               It started from eating a icicle on my dad’s bed, and my sister joined, after I finished she took one, and she asked me to make the sounds (once she ate one and I just made sounds way louder like it’s what she’s eating, it was hilarious, slurping sounds, biting, kissing, screams of horror from the food, all kinds of funny stuff) and I did, we started to play the mime competition which is pretty much songs, artists, bands, tv shows, and movies expressed through mime ways, which ended up being a messy thing, our brother joined at some point, he kind of ruined it, since he just doesn’t get it.

Oh, I was reminded on something, my mother told my sister to “tone it down” because my puberty is hard enough, and I, surprised and hurt, asked “Are you implying that I’m problematic?” she said that I was starting to get out of it.
I mean, can you be more insensitive?
We all know that I don’t like her, but each time that I loosen up a bit, does she have to make me hate her and hate myself.
She just said how much of a burden I am, how exhausting I am, how awful I am, and yes, maybe I’m taking it too hard, but don’t you understand that it hurts?

…..

It’s now ten minutes to nine, and I’m reading about how adopting a pet can make your mental state better if you’re depressed and such.      (From some reason, I don’t think that being a psychopath and having a pet can end up not so pleasantly…)
It just makes me feel like “Oh here’s another thing that can actually make everything in my life better! Oh, what is it doing? Oh, don’t go! Please, come back!” and I assume that you may understand.
I just raised the chance for a pet to die, and it doesn’t help my overflowing wells of guilt and self-loathing.
It’s just making me feel shittier, and it gives me another reason to not live; I can’t help anyone, and I have a non-existent chance of ever having somebody to love me in that way; and I know that I’ll have the chance once I’m eighteen, but who said that I’d be able to live until then, and then, I’d have the option when I’ll have an apartment, but who said that I’d live until then? Nobody, and as life goes on, we see that the chances for me to stay alive aren’t very high, I mean, as much as optimistic I can possibly be, if my life won’t go by at least one of my plans, I really have nothing to live for; I hate myself, I hate my personality, I hate my mind set; I hate my physical appearance, I hate my skin, I hate my eyes, I hate my disproportionate body, I hate my voice, I hate my gender; I hate… Actually that’s it, all the things that I hate are myself and things that I’ve done.
And I want to complain about how unfair it is, but it won’t make me feel any better.
I want to get rid of myself, there’s a big part of me who I like, which is what I’d like to believe to be my “real” and “true” self, but there’s another part of me, which is everything that I  hate, but I can’t get rid of it, as these two are actually one.
I hate myself for being afraid of death, and I hate that I give myself the pathetic excuse of “life will get better” even though that so far, with so many people, it didn’t happen.
I hate myself for wishing for my parents to divorce, only so I could live without my mother; which brings me to this wonderful statement; I hate myself for blaming her for my “pain”, I marked pain this way only because I can never consider my emotions real, I’m too fake, and it’s not a realistic point of view, it’s just me curling up in my safe zone and just complaining, I don’t even bother with doing anything.
Back to it, I always hate myself for blaming others for my own misery, I stopped blaming Yali only because I knew how disgusting I am for thinking this after understanding that it was my fault from the beginning, just that now, I can’t find a reason to proof that this pain I brought to myself and not my mother brought; I just need to think.
Think Dvash, think!
I feel bad because… I hate myself to the core? I don’t know if it’s really it; maybe it is, but then it leads me again towards blaming my mother, for raising me this way.
I want to die; I want another to cause it, since I’m such a pussy.

I feel like I’m being another teenager who’s having one of the better lives around and yet feels like complete shit with it without any reason, and it’s another thing that makes me hate myself; all of the things says that I’m supposed to feel happy, but I don’t, and it just makes me angry, because that’s not how it’s supposed to go, I need to feel good.

You know, exactly at these times I notice that no matter what I felt before, it doesn’t matter at all, nothing matters, and maybe it’s just a weird living-at-the-moment side, but maybe it’s not.

An hour and a half passed since I wrote the last paragraph and my mood didn’t change, on the meantime I took a shower, had a bit of stress from the fact that tomorrow morning the last Cabarian activity is going to occur, and I need to bring bread, and I haven’t bought it yet.
I always feel nervous about that shit, oh well, I guess I’d just go and do it; it’s what I need to do.
I hope it wouldn’t take too long; I don’t want to stay outside for too long.
From the end of the first sentence to the second one, a whole hour has passed.
I need something interesting to do, in the past couple of days I didn’t find anything that is very unique and interesting, there are no more health articles on Ynet and no comments, so now how the fuck can I read about Fluorine?!
Now I’m listening to Shinedown.
I just found their link, so I just went in.
I don’t regret it; not at all.
I also got a band named Seether, now, it rings a bell, I remember hearing about them before, I just don’t know why.
Okay, I just moved my wrist, and all that funny knuckle noises came out, so I just started randomally shake my hands, it was hilarious! It’s so weird! I’m going to do it again! Did it, I feel extremely silly but I don’t care, it’s so weird, and free, and random! I mean, how can you not enjoy it?!
Okay, I was drying the sweat on my thigh that’s beneath my laptop, and on the other one, as a habit I came to clean it too, but I didn’t, as I didn’t need to do it, instead  just looked at it, disgusting, with bad skin, as usual, I mean, I’m not really disgusted as I tell you, mostly because that I’m used to see it all the damn time, but I noticed something new! Some raised line on my thigh, like I had a very light scratch in a bloodless spot (how can blood take the space of fat? Pft, was obvious!) , and it annoys me, like imagine that once, when my mother decide that she should do a check up on my body, things like that appear! HOW THE HELL CAN YOU EXPLAIN IT?!

From looking on my mechanical pencil, I started thinking about what if a stranger would come into my room, just take a short look, and what would it’s answer be if I’d ask it a couple of questions? What are her favourite colours? Will it answer purple, blue, white, and black? It’d make sense, considering its current state.    And I have that strange feel that if somebody asks it what music I like that person will say eletctro, but maybe I’m just having weird feelings.

Okay, I have no idea where I laid my wrist, but now there are (counting…) 11 (!) horizontal marks that have a starting purplish dot, and guess what guys? That’s even harder to explain.
Maybe it’ll soon disappear.
I want to cry, and I want special tears involved at that process, sadly, I’m incapable of doing each, so nope.

Okay, I told my mother today that I read a lot about pet adoption, she asked me why I’m telling her this, I said “Hint-hint.” out loud at the same time that my sister said “She wants to adopt a pet.” And my mother said no, I asked why, and she said that she knows how it’s like to have a pet, that it’s a mess to clean, and I told her that it doesn’t matter if there’s a pet as she cleans the house anyway, she repeated her excuse and I walked to my room, for three hours I didn’t respond humanely to anybody who came by, I just didn’t emotionally responded, didn’t bother to take my eyes off my screen, and I wish that it wasn’t this way, but now, all I can think is that my mother cares more about her self-comfort and her laziness preservation  rather than my mental state, which just makes me think again about the theory of oldest kids are the experimental ones, the disposable ones, and with each day I just believe it’s true, but it’s not this way, I know that I say that it’s all the oldest kids only so I could feel comfortable, so that I won’t feel alone.      And I know I should face with reality, but it scares me, I was on some atheist Facebook page (the only use of Facebook for me today) and it had a picture of some white humanoid figure (a naked slenderman), pressing a blade into the place where its eyes were supposed to be, and there was written “Sometimes, opening your eyes may be the most painful thing you ever have to do.”
I understand that I’d probably never open my eyes if I’d remain in that fear, and I’d never understand life, hell, I might never want to experience life if I’m stuck in this shell of darkness where I can’t understand or see any truth.      That inability to see the truth actually feels like how they said it feels, I feel like my eyelids are sewn shut, and each time that I try to open them, it hurts, so I stop, and even though that I really want to, I can’t, because of the pain.

Good night, ha, just kidding, that last paragraph was too deep and making you feel hollow to say “good”.
LET’S DO ONE LAST HAND SHAKE AND FLIPPING.

Now, that’s what I call a good night.

I just noticed I got 16 new vies from Turkey! Wow, I'm surprised, I mean, how can you react to seeing it? Oh, I  know, it goes like this:

ARE YOU THE THE KIND THAT JOINED THE RIOT AGAINST ISRAEL, OR DID YOU SUPPORT IT? IF SO, PLEASE LEAVE AND DON'T EVER RETURN... If you didn't, then congrats you're invited, if somebody that you personally know did it, tell him that a thirteen year old from Israel doesn't like him.

Random, very random.

Today, it was woken up with something much worse than the alarms.
My mother burst in my room and started yelling.
My head is now in pain, it hurts, nobody should be ever woken up with such loud noises!  It would have been one thing if you slapped my leg, but you just screamed, which is the style of  waking up that I consider the rudest, it’s just like the time that she woke me up with a damn music channel of Middle Eastern music! WHO THE FUCK FORCES SOUNDS WHILE PEOPLE ARE ASLEEP?!

Okay, I’m here to tell you about a person style that I absolutely hate, the people who send those voice messages on WhatsApp; I can’t stand them! I mean, why would you do it? For what reason? So you won’t have to write every single word because it’s so damn exhausting? Dude! Come on! In school you got no problem writing every single word, and it’s just tapping, and guys, in case you forgot, we got that magical “slang” thing that we use so often! And it just makes you to be a bunch of assholes that their laziness just annoys and harms their surroundings.
I just left a group that I used to be very active at, but I stopped recently, I don’t know why, I guess that my hatred towards Yuval and Ben stopped me, even though that this shit never stopped me.
I guess that getting hurt in a place that is your comfort and safe zone does that. I can’t believe that I trusted them; I know that I can’t handle some insults; Perhaps too well.
I just put my trust in places where I shouldn’t put them; I don’t think that there’s any safe place to put my trust in, maybe I should stop trusting, each time that I trust somebody, I expect of him/her to be something, but s/he isn’t it, that person has no need to be it as they can stay as themselves, so when that person isn’t it, I get disappointed (which isn’t very nice of me to feel, it makes others to feel guilty, or at least, that’s what I feel when somebody is disappointed), and it just sucks.
I had an idea, it wasn’t very “something”, so I just decided that it’s better to dispose it to the sea of thoughts and go and fish for another one.

I’m listening to Broken Beautiful Bones (by the band with the best commenters-argument and discussion that include more than five people, because in the category of below five is probably Creature Feature with the argument between “Loy” and “The”) and wait, now I just restarted to the beginning of the playlist that brought me happiness.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHY, but now I’m thinking about all they key chains with the lockets and other objects, I got a rather blue aquatic colour, and a gun, and one with a “Hungary” circular charm, an alligator, and a really cool black skull made of plastic and it has red flashlights in its eyes! But on my own I got my two disc-on-keys, a shoe charm (you know what I’m talking about? The really small shoes that are made from shoe material?) in a pattern that reminds me of Asian nature, and a loom bracelet that  connected, it is in the colours of white and light blue and blue.
I like it, it’s like the ultimate accessory for everything, it’s hundred percent me and my favourite things or the things that remind me off them or resembles them.
A couple of examples are:
+ The shoe with the Asian culture reminds me of my (still living!) dad (because people like to do it only for dead people! Let me tell you something! People can love and miss somebody and want to have something that will remind me off that person even though that he isn’t dead! He’s just that meaningful to you!), he taught me a lot about that culture (material arts, plain knowledge, cultural actions, history) and he just loves shoes and accessories.
+ The gun has similar reasons, my dad and his love for antique weaponry, Sapir who almost committed suicide, and a personal joke, for all the “experiments” that I had while holding a gun or being near one, from being nine and shooting a target with some boys in one boy’s basement since it was his sleepover party, I was the only girl invited, to thirteen, where I was in the forest in Hungary, not so far from this very moment, the other guys suggested that we’d all go for that antique and old guns shooting, I disagreed, from some reason I don’t find guns safe, especially when ADHD children and adults who you can’t really communicate with.

               

I’m going to sim again, at some point.
I’m going to do something productive with my life… I just made myself chuckle!
Maybe I should watch one of the two movies that are open in my phone in their Wikipedia page.
I got in my phone four tabs, three in Wikipedia, and one is not a Wikipedia page.
The Fearless Vampire Killers aka Pardon Me, But Your Teeth Are in My Neck which is a movie that I might watch at some point of my life.
I got the movie +1 (Plus One) which is a thriller with Rhys Wakefield, who were the polite stranger in The Purge, and it can be really cool as it’s a clone film which is cool.
I got the movie “Sinister” which is very popular, and it has Ethan Hawke, which in that “Everything Wrong With…” videos they make fun of him, so it has to be worth it, and I can also watch the Everything Wrong with Sinister video and understand it! Okay, only by the titles of the home-movies I have a feeling that the writers did a good job, I mean, just take a look in Wikipedia (it’s in the Plot section) and understand what I’m talking about (Family Hanging Out is great, and Lawn Work –I wonder how it’d look like!- and the Pool Party which will probably remind me of the Creepypasta that included a person that always saw a face that looked on him from above each time that he was inside of water, by the way –spoiler alert- it was his mother’s face, because she attempted to drown him when he was a baby!), and I also need to just evolve my knowledge in horror movies, I love it, and it gives me ideas, sometimes plain gore ones, and sometimes deeper thoughts rather than a shallow murder.
The last tab is “DO’s and DON’Ts of Purge Prepping” which is a really good article, nice idea, I wonder who’s the one that deserves to be honoured for eternity for his brilliancy.
Oh, it’s in a website named “New Founding Fathers of America”! Haha! I love it!

A couple of minutes ago, my siblings and I  had fun, it started from my scream of “NO!” that sounded really horrified, but it had a good reason; my pita bread with pesto fell on the table, I love pitas and I love pesto, the combination is amazing, it can be a difference from my classic pita hummus combination!
I’m going to stray off the topic of that we had fun only for saying (I probably said it before, but I will say it a lot through my life) that ever since I started to exist, I loved hummus and pita the best, it’s the classic meal for me!
When I was just a foetus (“fetus” in UK English), my mother ate a lot of pitas with hummus and sometimes eggs and falafel, and she doesn’t even like it! It was me that craved it and she ate it.
I always loved it, and the simple pitas (Yemenite pitas) are the best, even though that I like the Druze and the Iraqi ones too, hummus is great, even though that it might be the reason that I got Pharyngitis so often, but my body got used to it and it’s great.
Back to messing around, we sang a lot the Festigal song S.O.S. with the Morse version for the SOS part, which in the original from was “Call me SOS” and that line appeared a lot, so when “Call me Beep-beep-beep Boop-boop-boop Beep-beep-beep” was said a lot, it was funny.

I’m listening now to Heaven’s Basement, it’s nice, hell, it’s better than nice.

Okay, I have to tell you something, I was in the deviantart page of Vampyre4life, and she has some pretty good things, I saw her Ghost Town inspired art, some I didn’t like, but when I did like something, I loved it enough to consider her as one of the better ones, and some of her pieces were kept in my chrome link folder (I got so many, and sometimes  I rush while saving things so I might open my “Bands” one and find the article about the mental illness rates in the big city environment), and I got a surprise! While I was her self-portrait named “Its NOT a cape” (she forgot that ‘ cute thing that changes everything!) and I clicked on other artist’s (More from deviantART) I went for two that seemed okay, actually, one epic and one that can bring me a lot of interest and make me want to see more.
One is “Muse” by usaggii, I was hundred percent sure that it was a self-portrait art, but then, suddenly, every single piece that was suffested was Gerard Way, except from one thing which was named “Untitled” (brilliancy of lazy people like me, I had two files named untitled –which made it hard to tell between the two- and five named “xhwebfgaemf” and alike) which shows a picture of usaggii (?).
Anyway, I nicely walked away (mostly because that vector piece looks better when it’s smaller) and went to the other one.
It was all rainbows and butterflies until you just understand.
I am going to let you guess what gave me that hint.
The title “Zombies Will Never Hurt You”
Or the artist’s name “ArtisticKillJoy”
Or maybe the description “Zombie Gerard Way! Took me 3 days… “
And there are so many fan-fiction art!
I think that “it’s not a band it’s an idea” just proves itself with every new art piece.

An hour ago, my computer just decided that it’s a great time for restarting, so I just went to laugh and run with my siblings, some people exercise and burn calories, I run and laugh and try to catch my breath (at some point my sister stepped on me and I gave her a scream of horror and it scared her and I fell laughing and then my brother tried to kick me and my leg made him trip and I just laughed harder from the situation), which burns calories and it’s more fun.

I’m watching now an artist named Sycra, on YouTube.

The beginning speedsketch #15, which what he said is exactly what I said to myself five seconds before he said it, he’s amazing.
I was drawing something for around twenty minutes, it started from some longish figure, that it was supposed to be a girl with a long hair that the hair transforms to the northern lights, I didn’t like it; now it’s some fox girl with super long body,.
I liked fiftten less so I switched, I liked it when he wore the camera on his head and it was directly from his point of view.
I just erased all her body except from her right arm, which came out really pretty and I left it to be there; it’s funny, I draw something big, erases everything but one thing, then continues to draw the big thing, erases everything but the first thing and a new thing, and I repeat it.
Okay, I drew the whole body, and now after I erased most of it, I got now a head and arms and a basic shirt idea!
PROGRESS.
Okay, that character that I’m trying to draw might never get legs.
I might continue trying after I finish writing here.
Currently I’m watching “The Emergence of Talent” made by the same cool dude, Sycra, and I have a feeling that what he said, is so true and inspiring, when he talked about the music part it popped out even more, I can’t even put it into my words, it was that important.
I want to try more art copying and learning, I really want to learn to make the classic witche’s potion and elixir bottles, and draw liquids in them, I really need to work on liquids.

I like him, a lot; I actually like every talkative artist who talk during the making of their art piece (which works only with visual/culinarian arts, because trying to hear somebody make something with sounds that speaks in the middle can drive you nuts.
I like him and Cuberush; I can listen to their speeches for an eternity, too bad that there aren’t enough videos and I always put the videos on speed version, it varies between 1.5 to 2 but usually it’s 1.5 because it’s slow enough to understand every word and it’s like talking with a normal person, like he barely has to think about it.

I’m going to draw now, that sitting for such a long while will let my creativity spurt to fade, since that I stopped having that urge to play the guitar at one am (I still want to, but it’s not strong enough for me to actually do it).

Oh, now I’m trying to enjoy that holiday time, in the rest of the year, I am obliged to not wear my shirts, the sae shirts that I feel really awkward about when people mention them; I just get nervous each time they do it, like it makes me very self-conscious, like everybody is looking at me and thinking stuff, for example, I got a really good two which one is “Cool band, too bad she’s such a fat/ugly/weird-in-a-bad-way girl” and the other one is “Hate that band! What a loser/pathetic-bitch/weird-in-a-bad-way-cunt” and all of the other lovely things that I can possibly think about.
I’m trying to understand why people wear black, I mean, what reason? Actually, that question and internet is towards the rather depressed and alike, for me it’s a plain colour that contrasts to my joy on everyday life, I actually wear white and bold or bright colour when I moody or depressed or anything that is not what I really am (it explains why I wear so much white and bright colours during my period now, doesn’t it?), but the ones who are the complete opposites, can you explain? The excuse of “It represents how dark I am” or anything like it, I do not accept it, I will accept “I don’t know, guess I like it” and similar things though.

I also like mine, don’t get me wrong, but I accept it as if they don’t really know why, even my excuses are just theories, I’m trying to give you things that will sound like a psychological diagnosis and notes shit.
I still think that my meeting with the psychiatrist, all he wrote was “causal moody bitch, give her some attention.” Because I feel that people don’t take me seriously when I’m telling them certain things, which makes sense, I truly understand it, but that’s annoying, oh well, probably every once in a while I’ll meet something that will actually give a fuck.
I mean, I can’t tell you true and non-shallow things when I’m not comfortable with you, so excuse me when I say that I hear rock simply because it’s such a minor detail for me in the general conversation, but  I won’t tell you about my friends who introduced me to the new terms of thinness and I evolved from there because that I have better English and I know where to look for, and the fact that I don’t trust people anymore, and that I don’t think that everybody is against me, that I think that I’m far from that, I’d just hate to hurt others and I won’t handle them hating me, so I’d rather feel a little pain and feel a little bad that I’m such a pathetic person; that’s the difference between.
You know what’s funny about me? I have multiple perspectives, and I usually think in two all the time, sometimes I add one or replace one of them, but it’s usually my own one, the non-objective, and then there’s the other one, the objective, which they sometimes combine as you can see.

I’m listening to Snow Patrol’s Chasing Cars, which I love, thanks to the “Teenaged” Sims 2 video, I learned a lot.
I also noticed there “Kissing in Cars” of Pierce the Veil, I shouldn’t be surprised, considering her variety of music, which I respect a lot, it’s an amazing combination.

I really want that somebody (or if I’d be good enough) to make a mix of Massacre and Hocus Pocus of Ghost Town, I have a feeling that they’d rule together.
You know those times where some lyrics are stuck in your head? So it happened today, with Massacre, I almost forgot how much I loved it.

I’m listening now to Kings of Leon’s Use Somebody, from some reason I have a feeling that it’s a song that I used to hear long ago and never knew what its name (like with Do I Wanna Know and Chasing Cars), never mind, I don’t think I knew it before.


Okay, I don’t know about you, so I’m going to ask a rhetorical question (not because the answer is obvious, but because that you won’t answer anyway! Ha!), do you feel annoyed from the finishing of the sentences of “XXX” or with the names (XxX----XxX for example)?
I don’t always get upset, as I have another finish that annoys the shit out of me, which is the ending of “555”, it’s a sign against bad luck in some movements in the Jewish culture, which reminds me of a bitch named Yali and all of the not-so-pleasant thing she used to do in my Facebook account (she cussed my cousins in my account without my knowing that she hands on it, and let me tell you something, ever since, even though that they know it isn’t me, our relationship is still weird, and yes, I do blame it on her because I don’t feel like feeling guilt now about something that I cared a lot about!), and it has a new meaning thanks to that girl, it’s the sign of the little sister of the Devil, it’s quite cute and logical by religion, isn’t it?

Okay, remember Liav? Well, he discovered me the world of the Hebrew translated Creepypastas narrations! I think that this is another reason why our youth just gets dumber and dumber, it’s fucking translated! They will never learn English this way… Oh, at least I’d be able to present Israel nicely if I’ll ever move out of here, more Creepypasta for me! *Grins fiendishly*

This Thursday my family and I are going for a vacation in Italy.
I have no interest in going to that place, I mean, I just came back from Hungary six days ago! I don’t want to leave home!
Soon it’d be actually a week, but that’s only because of the time.
I don’t want to leave Israel, at least not now; I just had that experience that I don’t really want to experience again!
This coming year, if there will be a similar thing like we had in Hungary, then it’s supposed to be in England! We’re also supposed to be three days or so in London, which will probably include the things that I’ve already done with my dad, and the rare chance for Ghost Town or Fearless Vampire Killers (I have them open in tabs so that’s what I could’ve think about!) will be there, and that’s it, that’s the much of excitement that I can get, and guess what? I’d rather sit at home, suffering through the sickening heat, the hormones, and all the other unplanned shit that I’m going to get when time will come, but I know for sure that I have no need to go there anytime soon.

Okay, around two hours ago, on my recommendation area of YouTube’s homepage, I got an interview with Andy Biersack and it started with “What’s Andy’s opinion about..” and because of the time I was like “ISRAEL?!?!” but then I hovered with my mouth and saw “My Chemical Romance split”, which is so last year! (I enjoy using out-of-date slang, from some reason, the older slang just brings me pleasure, it’s just unused pearls of brilliancy that nobody uses!)

Too bad, I really like hearing people’s opinion about it, I enjoy more when they aren’t brainwashed and have a rather logical and not-one-sided point of view, considering what the Hamas really wants to do, look poor (they actually want children’s and women’s bodies, it makes them look poor and that Israel is unfair) and kill Israeli Civilians at any cost, while Israel just isn’t good enough at explanations, because we have from one side show you how tough it is, but not freak out the civilians.

Totally out of topic, but at night, I usually think about all of my mistakes, all the things made me feel like shit, whether it was shame, guilt, anything, and it just sucks, because I just think about all the bad things about me (more than what I usually do) and I just think “I’m shy, I’m stupid, I’m annoying, I’m upsetting, I’m depressing, I’m a burden for my surroundings,  I might just as well kill myself and do them a favour for once” and I don’t enjoy feeling this way, from some reason, I guess that it’s just the amount of vowels, (chuckles from amusement that this is what I’m doing to ease myself) there are forty two, which is the answer for life, and I assume that such words shouldn’t be my life’s meaning…. Awkward.

Okay, it’s probably just me, but occasionally when I see a person dies, I think that “that’s why people should have at least two kids, because if one dies in some way, the second one can promise your genetic future!” and then it makes me think that it’s probably why I shouldn’t be a parent, because I’m to awful.

I have no reason to live now, do I? I don’t have a future, I should stop existing as the only thing that I do to destroy everybody, I actually hate myself for who I am, and I’m just putting my hope that these are just the damn puberty, even though that I can never know.
Oh well, at least I have hope!
I just got cheered up by stupidity!

It’s not one am yet.
I’m such a time-waster.

I guess I’m going to bed earlier than expected, tomorrow I’m supposed to do nothing, but on  Wednessday there’s supposed to be a last Cabaria meeting, the final one, a breakfast celebration in one of the guy’s house.
I don’t feel like going but I promised, and I just need to say goodbye to them, they weren’t like my class that I didn’t trust from the first day, I trusted the Cabarians, too bad that I lost even the trust in them.
Oh well, we all know the phrase “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, and here’s a thing that I hope that wouldn’t happen again, since “What doesn’t kill you probably will at the second attempt”.
It was a Spongebob Squarepants quote made by Mr. Krabs.

Okay, I’m in a good and weird mood, I’m listening to Zero Zero and try to make something fucked up of it.
I have nothing.
The most I can do with the word zero is to change the meaning from how it was used in the song and transfer it, because two years ago, at the previous anti-terror-anti-Hamas war, we were told to not answer phone numbers with certain numbers, there was one that had zeroes as it’s numbers.
I wish now that somebody will invent an app for calling to somebody and having the ability to change the number.
It’d be so much better if I’ll call somebody with it straight after he sent the usual chain message on Whatsapp with the alarming “DO NOT ANSWER…” It’s probably the greatest evil thing to do, just imagine the hyperventilating kids, from twenty kids with panic attacks to two hundred; it would have been so funny if it existed.

Now it makes me think if it actually existed and a couple of teenagers getting a good laugh from it! If it was so I found the best youth group in Israel!

Oh, I was told to go to sleep, at one am!