Flip the Eyes

Skeleton pantyhose, got them.
My dad is shopaholic, it's amazing.
Every girl and every boy dream.
my reality.
On the independence day, the class done a meet u, and the to groups, I came like from a movie.
Simple dark blue-black strapless dress, purse, vans shoes, and in  a car, just the car wasn't like any car, it was blue, without roof, and fabulous.
All the guys was like damn what a car, and my friends (that half of them were fake as fuck) gave me compliments.



So, today, pain in the ass.
Have you ever got your eyelids flipped up and out?
Like I didn't knew that optometrist learned a way to torture people like in the Middle Age.
So, I've got eye gel (drops), and the last time the liquid got in my eye from a doctor permission was when I was 6.
It wasn't drops, they told me it was, and it was some chemical liquid (I believe it's acid), and I got only in one eye, I fought so hard, they tied me down and I kicked my dad that held my legs, and slammed my arms on the nurses.
I'm freaking out from doctors, needles, blood, and my eyelids getting flipped.
And roaches, and shrimps (I call them the roaches of the sea), guns, chainsaws, and some kind of deodorant (I'm not explaining), and the soft&easy machines for leg shaving (they sound like a chainsaw, look like a chainsaw, so it's a chainsaw).
I'm a coward in some way.


So, have you met the mid-life crisis, when you go fifty?
So, I'm talking about pre-life-crisis, when you're 40.
And my mom on it.
She's almost forty, and she asks me what I'm hearing and always asking me to play my music in the car.
I' lying \(and saying a bit of the truth), that I'm getting sick of them, and I don't want to.
If my mom would like them, kabam, I'll probably be in pain, I'll just get disgusted from these songs, I'll be okay if she'd like New Religion or Rebel Love Song, Our Lady Of Sorrows, even The Calendar, and Scene 4.
I hate when adults like my interests.
Just hate it.
It's no worse than the friends that copy you, in every fucking thing.
It's one thing to have only one, like or parent or friend.
But I'm having both, and it sucks.


I'm probably one of the worst sisters on earth.
I put my brother and sister in the bathtub, and turned the water on.
I'm just evil.
I got self pleasure from doing it to my brother, and a paper-keeper of Monsters Inc. University from doing it to my sister.
I'm cheap, but I do things that I know that they don't passes the limit.


I have a hipster paradox.
Every girl says "I'm not like the other girls", now, what would hipster say?
I find it interesting to hear the answer.

I can't wait to get the helix, the pantyhose, and the black stud earrings.
I just can't wait to wear skeletons, eagles and sparkles.

So it's late I want to do some private shit and watch TV.
Understand how to make a choker (in Victorian style), and to make it tomorrow.

I just admire people that somehow relates to the word victor.
Just so, for me, victor is a word that describes "old school fabulousity" and Russians.

Bye.


Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Bucket List checkpoint

Well, last night, I had a weird dream, you can read about it on Extras, because I'm too lazy to repeat.
I would like to do something.
I mean that something that I'd enjoy and love and cherish, becaue to organize my laundry isn't joyful loveable or cherishable.
It's just boring.
I can watch Code Lyoko.
Quite.
So quite.
Though I'm hearing Saviour on high volume, but, hmff.
I'm used for class loud, of 30 kids talking with a teacher.

I'm taking it back!
I'm watching how to straighten your hair withthe least damage possible.
And the song!
You know it, I know it, and I like to laugh about it.
OMG of Jenna Rose.
Yes the 14 year old that have a slutty clip (though, I love the angel wings in the I-wish-I-was-an-Vicotria-Secret-angel-model-but-I'm-just-Jenna-Rose outfit).
And Last Song of Dave Days.
How the geners relate, I have no idea.
Well, she's special person.

I went to straight it.

Done.

I'm making some edits to my Instagram, I started making for others, so if you'd like, you just need to connect me by the methods on the box.


So, today was like the others.
I continued the space ship, edited it.
And on the second lesson it was hard, he barely teaches up, he's not a teacher material.
So I had time to learn about iOS 7, I don't like it, it's too colorful, it's a mess, I barely can look at it.
They shouldv'e relax with the colors, or just make the best feature, so we could pick the logo of the built-in apps, because using third party apps that never works good enough, sucks.
But without the colorful problem they done a pretty good job!
I love the features they added, finally better multitasking, and when you delete them, there's a better music bar, and the folders, looking good.
The 3d doesn't really matters, at least for me, as long as I can see it clearly, I'm okay with it.
And the mail, it's very similar to Mailbox app, just if apple will mix the mail adresses together, and it's perfect.
I just need that the camera screen that's like on the iPhone 5, on mine, and I'd melt in my chair.


I finally did it!
I made two edits and published one, I wore a strapless dress and beneath it I wore black camisole, I opened two buttons from my dress where the stomach is, and with my hands I opened it a little more, and looked down on it, and then I added butterflies where you can see the cami, and three butterflies flying away from there.
You can see it in my account.


One of the weirdest things just happened to me, when William got back on earth I was breathless, literalley, I had some noisy weird breahing, for something like 6 minutes, until Aelita's nightmare on 95.
I can\t believe it's over.
No more hopper,no more Xana.
But, I know that there is a continnue.
William will have white outfit, Sissy will join and another girl with blue or silver hair joins too.
I mean, that there is this "revoultion" thing, right?
Can't wait for season 5 and 6.
Just breathless.
Good that I have the weekend.

Tomorrow I\m going to the optometrist, check if I need glasses.
I hope I need, I don't think that they will fit me, but they quite useful.
It makes me look older, for sure, it makes my face look like my cousins that have glasses and they are on highschool.
I'll be able to use the computer for long time.
And I could wear them.

At the moment I saw William again in the real world, not as a retarded, or a jerk, or just annoying, I was with this yippie-I-can't-breath mode.
Code Lyoko is the base of my life.
So somehow, I actually grew to be sporty, nerdy, funny, flirty (not attractive, but have skills), and will fight.
I wonder how much kid shows affect on each one.
I know that it changed my life.
Everything from my childhood was from communicating.

I had weird childhood, I understood too much too fast.
When I was three, and when I was five, I learned what's racisam, bullying, friend stealers, and how to find friends.
When I finished preschool, I knew the up and downs that can happen.
About when I was 7, I understood that when parents compliment you, it's because they want to be good parents, not because it's actually good.
When I was 7, I stopped believing compliments.
When I was 8-10, I knew about condoms, pregnancy details, how to fuck, how to kiss good, and what channel on tv is about porn.
By my 10 birthday, I knew every possible thing about sex.
When I was 9, I got that teaching others, and talking about how much hard it's to teach them, isn't clever.
When I was 9, I figured that being quite sometimes better than talking.
When I was 11, I knew what it's like to feel alone, the ways to kill yourself, what's cyberbullying, and how to damage yourself.
After six months I could use all the methods of self-destruction.


I'm a creep.

So, what should I do?
Emptiness overfilling.
I should just clean the clutter and hear music.

I can't believe it, why the fuck do you make the continue with real people?
It's wrong.
And Aelita, it's like Stephanie from Lazytown (she just gave me nightmares, pink clown is very disturbing), but with teased hair.
And Jeremy, well, just no.
Ulrich and William, are alright, I guess.
Odd, where her pushed back hair with the purple bolt?
And Yumi,  Yumi supposed to be Japanese, and no, it doesn't seems like it.
And Jim, no, and France Hopper, god no, the human version looks like the dude that always drugs them in Hangover.


Well I want to get a camera, so I'll search online for it, I hope I'll find something.
I did, under 300 NIS, it's very cheap price for good quality.
But I don't feel very wasteful today, I can get the old broken camera.
It's big black, and the battery holder is broken, so the only way to change the batteries is with screwdriver.
But I relaly like it, good quality, nice flash, effects, and it's working.
And it's only mine, for free.
I would get it tomorrow.
I want it.
I want a camera.
I have one, I have a shield for it so I could photograph underwater, but I'm not satisfied from 5MP, as you probably understand.
I have it, I just need to tranfer photos, pick few to delete and the rest to my hard disk, I should also transfer from my phone.


I wonder how weird is it the band "The Killers" they wrote the very popular song Human (are we human? or are we dancers?), I like this song.
Actually, there is so much behind it, and today I figured another part.
"Close your eyes, clear your heart, cut the cord", you know what cord it's about, cord as a rope, rope tied, tied to chocke you to death.
How do I understood it.
From my forty year old teacher (who looks the most thirty), he read us a part from his song (he's a guitarist and a vocalist in his band, named "A Cat", so go check it out, and please -pretty please- comment "We love you Tal, from **your contry**" it'll make my day and probably his day too), so his song there was a part "I untied the noose", and he explained because it was in another word -kind of- that he felt very sad and suicidal that day, and the knot as a rope for suiciding.
Yes, I'm still shocked that my forty year old teacher, the same that teached other teacher we have, the same that have a bipolar friend, the same who have a band and my friends watched him multipul times, the one who shows us many geners of music, and the same who made us sit in pairs telling stories to each other, looking at each others eyes, every kid, and let us watch the eyes.
Yes this strong man, felt suicidal.
It's weird.

For me, it is.


I remember that I've found about 3 months ago a really pretty chocker style neckalce, that made of metal but looks like lace, and I can't find it.
I should check the web again.

Couldn't find it, but, I found something gorgeous.
Skeleton legs tights.
I don't wear leggings, because leggings is tight and uncomfortable, and I'm not allowed to wear it, the moment my legs will be skinny, and I'll be allowed, I'll wear it all the time. 

So I'll wear those under skirts, pants, dresses, because I love anatomy skeletons (I drew once a cat skull).

So this is it for now. 

If the box isn't on the right sidebar yet you can connect me via Instagram my name is @green_wolfie just kik me, comment, and say that you're from here. 

Photos 

Berries, Survivors,

I hope you'll make it. 

Short

I want to get eyeglasses, so I'll use them when I use the computer, not for looking like a moron attention slut hipster (I can't tell the difference).
And you probably noticed I wrote "Attention Slut" instead of Attention Whore, or Attention Seeker.
I'm respecting the term whore, it's a very hard job, it's the cheap lame version of prostitutes.
And seekers, well I see it's as the gadget from pokemon, to check who is ready for another battle (perfect for training).

I should keep reading Reached, but it's so slow, it's giving me a headache, I'm not that good at remembering who been where or who said this and who said that.
Whenever I hear The New National Anthem I remember the time when the Pilot sang the anthem, just sadly, as death.
I don't find death that sad, of course that losing someone is awful, but, after all, it's the cycle of life, and as soon you'll except it, it's better, you will lose people, even in younger ages, but this is the fucking life, and if you ever heard the fairytale about the soldier and the death, the soldier captured the death in a bag, so nobody will die, and it was horrible, people kept aging, never died, in a misery.
So, it's better of this way.
I don't exactly know how I'll react, but I'll manage to live, as much as I'll be able to fake.
I will think about it, every fucking day, but it will fade away eventually, I'll be deep in other thought, and always think about it every now and then.


The eagle, I can't wait to get it.
When I'll get it, I'll go to the tattoo store, where I got my helix, ask them to help me to switch it, and bam, a fucking bird on my ear.
Honey birds are my favorite, after all, they have my name in it.
They seem so tiny, fragile, magical.
I'm not fragile, or magical (though that my bottom fangs are quite sharp -my mother says it's the effect of twilight on me-), and I'm not that tiny, I'm small, very short, but still look like human.

Starting from today, I'm drinking a glass of milk, everyday, at least one, of whole milk.
I want to be taller, and have stronger bones and nails.
Though, I never broke any bone in m body, and I have healthy nails, my friends never believe me that they're real, so they tried to take it off, from my skin, and it's painful as hell.
They are only few things from the many that my body can offer against the flaws.
Incredible nails.
Strong, healthy bones.

I can't wait to get sport shoes for next year.
I have no idea what brand, I just know that my dad will do most of the work, so I'll have only 2-3 shoes to pick and than, chose colors.
I already know what boots I want for next year, military/motorcycle style, it's like the cowboys, but it's lace up style, and I love those, just stunning.
And I want school shirts, because black and white clothing for the whole year, is only acceptable in Pokemon Yellow, because there are no colors.
I want dark olive green, and dusty navy blue, and if there's no choice, dark purple, but no way for pink or red.
They just fucking ugly.
Red reminds me blood, hearts, love, and a girl that I don't really like (Ms. McSlut), red were the color she hates the most, so even now, no, and it's also a color that says about people that they want attention, and attention it's the last thing I need.
And pink, well, no, hell no, it's only for accessories, and the color of the dusty-dark roses on the black skirt that I'll wear tomorrow, for celebrating my waxed legs, and pink also reminds me two things I hate and a sub thing, I hate girls, and Justin Bieber, pink remind me my friend, Maya, who admire Justin Bieber, and Justin remind me that he smoke weed and many fans fucking cut themselves for him.

I won't complain that it doesn't make sense.
So does my reason.
I only except reasons that includes abuses (from any kind), most types of bully, and of self fights, as parents divorcing, fighting with the good and bad inside of you (I really got connected to Zuko), and any other, I'd welcome them to join my club, of fucking moron.
So Justin fans, go fucking do something, something that will make Justin happy, like planting Marijuana in his garden, of giving him Heroine in your fan letters.

I just love Code lyoko, I'm on episode 89, and I'm like most of time "Where's William?/Yay! William!/If Xana will do this, it'll be obvious/Ha! Knew it!/When will William will be good?/I love Odd!/I love Yumi!/I love Ulrich/I love Jeremy/I love Aelita/I love William!/Seriously?You lost your life points because of THIS?"
I'm obsessive.
Today at the University, I thought what will be the best use for activating a tower, and I figured that if I could the Dvashified a tower, I'll send volts to instantly charge my phone and/or my laptop.

And what superpower I'll rather have, I'd say that probably Telekinesis, it's much more useful than the rest.
I won't pick strength, because it's not useful to pick up cars.
I won't pick speed, because if I will, everything will seem so slow.
I won't pick invisibility, because it's not that useful, unless you want to scare people, and that you can do with almost every super power.
And I won't pick flying, because I'm kind of scared of heights.


I'm not scared of heights, I'm just scared from being on vehicles on high places, because I'm afraid that the driver will lose control and we'll go down and die.
Happy thought and I, just not getting along so well.

It's getting late, and I'd like to watch some Orange Is The New Black, goodbye lovers, or everything you'd like to be called, even fighters, or vitamins, it's up to you.

Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Bad Luck

Today, hmm, how can you say it?

Normal?

I guess it's the closest option. 

I got confused in both of the sessions, but the teachers helped me. 

They are two nice guys, young, and have humor, so, it's not like leaning from ice hearted people, they have face expressions, and I mention it because, I know people who don't have, a genius friend if my sister (she's not her friend anymore, and not such a genius, she became a tayl for the popular, while my sister stays awesome), some people who done plastic surgeries on their faces, and Kristen Stewart in most Twilight movies. 

I'm watching that movie, Trust. 

I started watching it six months ago, but I got bored in the middle. 

What was the point of the movie, it's like most of movies, you just need to imagine the movie cyberbully, just without the ending when they turn against the populars, this movie was stupid, I am sorry to hurt people that this movie means everything to them, but what's the point? They don't how you what can you do, by the movie, you need to attempt suicide, if you succeed, well, it's your fucking end, if you won't, you'll have to live with it, until it will fade away, a bit of it, so you'll be able to focus on other things.  

I never had a trust problem, or I just have one, because I never had the ability to trust someone enough to let him know everything about me, but you, and even then there are some things, the nobody, nowhere, never should know. 

And I never got to attached to someone, I just couldn't, and sometimes I'm just like my phone, have crashes and bugs, and it happened only one time, to Gal. 

And this shit will never ever happen again. 

So, lets get back for today. 

I learned some kind of JavaScript, changed a little so it will be assigned to Unity, named UnityScript. 

 It was hard, but as I said, the teachers helped me off. 

Code Lyoko, I just can't stop it, it's too amazing, and I waited for it. 

The art, the animation, I guess you appreciate things more when you face the complexity of its making. 

And I reached to episode 85, I haven't start it yet, but tomorrow I will. 

Bad luck happened today, and I shouldn't explain in words, when a picture worth a thousand. 

 I broke a mirror. 

The last time I saw a broken mirror, was on Thirteen, and I don't have the same plans as she had. 

I wanted to use it for the face on my closet, to the police body thing I made:

It's a little hard to see, but I hope you can. 

I love dead bodies. 

As creepy as it sounds.

Not of people I know, or love. 

But random ones, I love the death ways. 

They can be very interesting. 

I should become Ethan Hunt, but with the vagina and those I'm-twelve-what-did-you-expected?! Tits. 

Just killing Russians and shit. 

I love Russians, they have the best government. 

Have you heard about terrorism in there?

I didn't.

The last time it happened was about ten years ago, a group of terrorists used the theater as their fort, and all the people who came, as prisoners.

The government took their forces, and shot everyone there, the only survivors were the ones who hid beneath their seats. 

I don't want to move there, but absolutely to have a drink there. 

Maya g, asked to learn Russian, and I learn some with her, it's a quite funny language. 

I know how to say potatoes and meatballs, and how to say Russian in Russian, and yes, no, and a lion. 

Guys, for about a week I'm stuck, I know that I some book I've read there is one who have the name Graham, in it, I don't know where, but there is. 

And the chance that I'm confused with Bram, cassias brother, is lower then one. 

So I'm tired and I don't want to do trouble, so. 

Berries, survivors,

I hope you'll make it. 

Eagles

Why, why is it so hard to let me be happy, for a fucking day, just so I could say that Iwas happy.
I think only when I'm going back in any possible way to my past, where my smiles were real.
Now, I'm suffering.

My mother checked my whatsapp in the morning.
What the hell?
Like we send nude pictures, hmff, that's weird if we would, we are only 6th graders, on the way to the seventh.
And with all the poisoned girls, they don't like their bodies, each one of us have the toxic liquid in us, no matter how much you'd like to make it go, it will only stick harder, and in a brief moment, you'll stop ignoring it, and it will attack you.

So, I'd like to set myself on fire, yeah, it can be amazing, the closest thing for the warmth of love.
I hate everything that happens, and the things that don't, too.
Why can't I even try to do something with him?
Why can't I be with my best friend?
Why can't I just breath in the hope and faith, and breath out all the hate, and darkness.

My life, they remind me this game Nihilumbra, just the story, the words, related to the scenes.
They were so accurate, to everything I feel.
The narrator, he says in the start how much I'm useless, worthless, that I'm just a nothing that is exactly like void, and slowly, in small baby steps, he says that I actually became something, that I'm a little more than nothing, that I actually worth something.
It's might be the best game I've ever played.


I want to disappear, simple as that.
When I tell people that I'm not happy with myself, they say that I'm beautiful and I shouldn't feel this way, but it doesn't help me.
I never heard about someone that actually got better from this shit, I didn't, even when I thought I did, I just ignored the pain, and for that short moment, when I stumbled between hashtags and photos, I faced something harder than I expected, and in this moment, I stopped ignoring, and bam, my life sucks.

I am not happy, I am not smiling.
I just want to go back there, sitting with my little guy best friend, each one sits in the other side of the dining table, each one holds few cards in his hands, and we played the Pokemon cards.
And I remember how much I sucked at this game, seriously, I had no idea what I'm doing.
And on the third or the fourth grade, I got a book, actually we got a book, I had one, and he had one, it was a Pokemon book, pretty much a pokedex on a paper, and I drew and learned from it, and it was magnificent.

Oh, why can't I just travel through time and see my past, from the end to the start, so I could see that I've been happy for such a long time, to remind myself, that it's all temporarily.
And when good switches with bad, you just need that the switch will turn again.

I'm so tired, and I hate to feel this way.


I tried to find a decent chiffon scarf on navy blue or black on ebay, and nothing!
What's the problem with making navy blue scarf?

I want to bury my head in a pillow, and wake up on the 27/8, at the first day of school.
Wearing black school shirt, and shorts or something.
A backpack, because I fucking hate totes, I never found nice one.
Well, I'm on eBay, but I still need to decide and pick and another things.

Wow, sorry, until I finally get season 3 and 4 of Code Lyoko, my mom yelling on me.
Because I fucking enjoy that damned little talkers in my head, telling me, encourging me, with their whispers "Do it! Do it! Do it!", am I right mother?
It's like that the death itself, gripping my throat, avoiding the lack of oxygen in my lungs...
I had much more to say, but no, it was overreacting.
And for my defense, I do have a pussy, so I have all the rights to do the female bullshit.


I want school again.
A month ago, I wished that this routine of same-school-every-day-for-seven-years will go to it's end.
But now I miss the routine of it, like, fucking get out from the house, then studying, sweating, talking, laughing, drawing, eating, going home, doing homework, enjoying free time, going to sleep, and over and over.

I want to crawl to my bed, draw in the notebook with a commericial of a TV show.
Awful Israeli show.
And draw everything, people, cars, buildings, character, violing and piano keyboards, everything.
And why shouldn't I, I can.

In fact, I can do almost everything I want.
I wanted to argue about it, because I thought I can't smoke, do drugs or ski, and then figured that I actually can, I can steal ciggarets, go to the north to grab marijuahana, and to ski on the sand.
So I'll just watch code lyoko with Charles and George, they always come to my bed, and if Annette would feel like, she will join.


Guys, I'm in fucking love with this thing!
Finally episode  74, I just love the sea, and I forgot about to other sector that xana made, but I did't forgot about the world-xana's-lyoko-the-other-side-of-the-world, it was epic.
And my face, as you know, I died from the excitement serveal times, IT WAS THE FUCKING NEW CLOTHING!

I love lyoko, and I love being lazy, and I love piercing.

So, what I did about it?
I just bought a new helix!
Yippie!

This is how it looks like

 I love it, it's on the side, when people see me, in the front, they'll see only half from it.

And if you want to get one, or check things alike (if you're into crosses, and simple spikes, stones, it's the place) http://www.freshtrends.com/cgi-bin/category.cgi?item=6279&.
I can't wait to get it, as I see, it's about 2 weeks from my ear.
I hope it will look good, and won't get me an infection.
It's also matches a necklace I have, a huge eagle, I guess I just became a bird fan, and I'm also a beard fan, so, yeah.

I started to slwoly decide that I really like spiderman, hopefullt that he'll be the answer for my "I-don't-have-a-favorite-superhero-I-hate-my-life-because-of-this-first-world-problem" issue.

I want to go to the market, find some scarves,a graphic shirt, because I really want a silver wild animals, I really like wolves, and panthers, just like fucking staring at you, from my stomach.
I really want to go there, and buy the fucking everything, a blue sweater that is huge on me, a pair of long socks, a pajama, a bag, a beanie, some clothing that I'll use for the fabric, and some crafts, and if I'll be lucky, I'll get an album (hopefully not Get Lucky of Daft Punk, such a horrible popular song).

When my hair grow longer as it were before (I need to learn another rule, note to self: Never ever cut your fucking hair), I'll wear a beautiful hat, like of the russians, you know, with the fluffy faux fur ears, and it's so pretty and warm, I know where I can get those.

I want to watch tomorrow Orange Is The New Black, I just love them, the freaky roomate of Piper, that actually killed someone, her "wife" that is obssesed with her, and her ex-girlfriend/lover.
And I probably watch it from my questions to myself, if I'll ever find myself in any kind of prison, even for a short time, like a 2-6 months, the people I'd meet, endless options.

So, it's getting late, I need to do some art, get some sleep, prepare myself mentally to tomorrow, and to jump o the dream world.


Good night.

Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Fuck, again.

My face expression when William was possessed by Xana (waited for it since the beginning) can be exactly my expression when I'll pet a unicorn.
I waited for it.
But the worst part, the one that probably smashed it all, I can't watch episode 14 and up.

Well, I'll just wait for it.
I love it so much, it's like a fucking dream come true.
In my list to go, it's probably go to France, go to Cartoon Network's studio, hug and take a picture with all of the workers, only because they made Code Lyoko, and Pokemon.

I love and hate Disney Channel, it used to be in Israel before it, it called Jetix, and it had Pokemon, and Sonic, but now we have disney, even they stopped screening Lilo & Stitch, and the only good ones are probably Zack & Cody, and Gravity Falls, which is the best cartoon on earth that currently is on.
And on Disney, because Invader Zim, and Spongebob are excpetions, and also Looney Tunes, and the graduation episode is fucking hilarious, Daffy, and Bugs, and Porky, the popular jock, it was epic.

I think I like this app, Tunein, it's amazing, this is the best place to find songs and open your mind.

By the way apps, Instagram, I still don't understand why am I doing it to myself, it doesn't make sense, but guys if I could be on the past and watch everyday and give a description and a matching quote for the day, I'd love it.

You know, with them, those bitches, I was happy.
I only got sad in the end.
But I was happiest, like everyone loved me.
No wonder why, because with friends like this, who needs enemies?
Make everything so perfect, I just can't believe that they haven't planned it, like it was natural for them.


Oh, this is Mayday Parade?
I just love it, I told myself I'll hear them some when, thanks to Tunein, I just did it.
They sound good.

But one thing, I'm sick of all those I'm sad/inlove/depressed songs, what if I'm really angry, I mean angry enough so I'll be able to kill someone, and it's likely to be everyone but me.


So, the day, I almost forgot.
I woke at 9am, to eat a huge toast bun, again, and to leave for the psychopathic psychologist (let's call it for short pp, and in iPhone posts it will go to the full nickname), we drew again, and I drew some drugged version of Pacman and a ghost, it was like the brown and white version of Lucy in the Sky with Diamons, I also drew some "RELAX" that is melting or something, and a clarinet, with the shaking/broken notes.

Then I went to the craft store, I got some Fimo (not polymer clay... hmff...) and black thread and some washi tape.
I want to make a bracelet.

I remember once, long and on a way, short time ago, I drew the butterfly, 2 of them actually, I wanted 3, that one Gal will draw, but it never happened, and I drew, one for me, and another one I drew to remember that I don't want to ever hurt Ido, he just was something different to me, a one that doesn't know how much I'm fucked up.

And today, when my bi logical mother (she's not a mother for me, she is more like a birthgiver), couldn't get out from the parking, I had to go outside -in the heat- so I could guide her, the 12 year old girl who doesn't know  how to drive, I didn't knew what to do, so she pissed off, and after a while decided that it's better that we just don't talk to each other, I said thank you in my head.
In the supermarket, my favorite pizza in the bakery was there, and I didn't took it, like I'd lose my control on my lack of self control, no way.


So, today I ate only the regular disgusting meat and potatoes, and the breakfast, I don't think I should eat dinner, if I'd be able to lie, and hopefully will, I won't eat, and it's better.
So for tomorrow's morning, I have a plan, eating the 155 calories yogurt, for lunch I won't eat the sandwich, probably an apple, or something, and for dinner, as usual.
It's good, right?
And on the weekend, I'll just do my thing, hopefully, getting outside with my friends, so I won't have to eat, and maybe, a tiny maybe, a strawberry chocolate cube, on Saturday.


I want to get a weigh, instead of a mirror, a mirror is bullshit, for it I have my TV when it's off, and the black screen giving me the reflection of myself, and I have a mirror in the Bathrooms and in the master bedroom.
But a weigh, nowhere.
I can get a weigh, and hide it.

I would like to make a journal for next year, about my body progress, next year with 5 days a week of gym, it would be interesting, don't you think?
Maybe even a blog, because I hate papers.
Such a waste of trees, if I had wood, I'd use it to build a treehouse, because I never had one, and never been in one, or maybe I'd build a real small home, a shelter for people who actually need home, like the people who walked all the way from Africa to Israel, to start their life again.


So, I should continue my doll, but I suck.
Well, I'll just activate the motivation button, from some reason it's always off.



Done at designing, I just need it baked, and I'll start to paint it.



I want a snack.
Well, tea is good, at least it have taste.
I took Verbena tea, It's less than five calories.
I want to play in the Xbox, probably I'll take the lessons available on shape it.
And finish with yoga, and then I'll take some sleep if I'd like to, I am tired.

The xbox TV doesn't works, just for my luck.
Maybe online there will be something.


Fuck it I need a daily sweet, I'm taking a yogurt with strawberry chocolate and whipped cream, it's under 200, so I don't mind it as a dinner.

Worth it? not really.
Regret it? the exact same answer.
Already did it.
Best dinner ever.
But I need to notice more, because if it will become a daily dinner, well... fuck.


So, what shall I do.
I don't know.
Music, didn't work.

Well, it's eight and the only thing I ate is a piece of cheese.
Shit, I promised that I won't eat it.
I just suck at diets.
Well, fuck this shit, only outside the house I won't eat.
I fucking can't stand it.
Well, a month and a day from school...
I'm sorry...
Month and a day until I'll be stuck for three years with bitches, sluts, and guys who think they really awesome, for their eyes, for me, it's stupid.

I want food.
There is vanilla ice-cream and my favorite chocolate and cream in the fridge.
I want it.
But I hate my hips.
Decisions are hard.
Very hard.
Too hard.
What I should pick?
I want it, but if I'll eat it, I'll give in to my lack of self control, and I don't want it.
But I want food.
Dammit.
I want it.
So, if I will actually do it, I mean the diet in school, will it be okay?
Yeah.
Right?
No?
Yes?
Yes.
Yes indeed.
Fuck it I want enjoy.
But what if.

Oh I fucking hate my compass, it's seriously like the one in the cartoons, like in Tom & Jerry, and it fucking sucks.
Food is good.
Right?
No.
I want it, but still, I don't want it.
Oh decisions.
Well, I'll eat it.
Right?
No, but I want to so I will.
Fuck it I'm eating it.

I want to vomit.
I can't believe I did it.
But I can't vomit when my parents awake, stupid me.
Note to self: no deserts when parents awake or in home.

I need to make some rules in my life, if not, it will be wrong.
I'm such a failure.
I literally can't do anything without the little devil in me, telling me to eat more and more, while the angel tells me what to do so I won't feel sad any longer.
It fucking sucks.
I want to die.
And worse, it's not the first time that I want to die today.
It's probably because my mom is so good at killing me in the inside so I don't mind make it even, the inside as the outside.

I'm going to my room, a little noise of cars will distract me.



Oh, fuck, what's the difference, me alive or not, believe it or not, but my mother is epic at making me want to die.
I remember that I have Aceton in my second drawer.
No.
Do not drink it.
I won't.
I won't.



FUCK.
WHAT THE HELL DVASH?
I EXPECTED MORE FROM YOU!

And yes, I am talking to myself right now.
I want to die.




Guys, before I'll do something reckless.

This night, it's not an eternal goodbye, it's a normal one, from me, before I go to sleep, trying to find a dream.

Goodnight.
Goodbye.

Berries, survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Lunch

I like to sleep.
I don't like to fall asleep, so I fell yesterday at 3 am.
But I also hate to wake up, so I waked up at 9 am.
I guess I'm in love enough with the middle.

I remember that I wanted to sleep so I shoved my head a little more into the blanket, and then, i have no idea why, but I SAW MARILYN MANSON IN SOME BLOND FORM.
Then I woke up, because after you see this, you just can't sleep.

So, I stayed so late to watch the first three episodes of Orange Is The New Black.
I love it, it's funny and creepy, and the girl with the black hair that because of what Piper did with her ten years ago they both in prison.

I just understood, that I'm one of the greatest liars around.
for the past two years I pretended that I'm happy.
When I was shattered, and numb, I reflected to the world that I'm the happiest girl on earth.
And it was kind of true, it still does, I'm the happiest on earth, but when I'm in the cyber world, or in my bubble, to many thoughts attacking me, and I have to surrender.

My mother is going insane lately, I don't want to be around her, I feel that if I will, I'll get another push, aimed directly to suicidal.
I wonder, how much time, I want to fly away, far away, to the other side of the world, to somewhere I could actually live.
And I want with people like you, the ones who actually understand my shit, my fucked up personality.
And I'll do things I'd like, surfing, snowboarding, and skating, creating art, and doing game things, because I love it, and my dream is to become a Youtube partner (however you call it).


Right now, I missed three times the starting of If You Can't Hang, and I hate the fact of it.
The reason, I'm sick of my mother, I just want to go away.
She is hitting my brother.
My only wish right now, that they won't turn out like me, I'd prefer that the people I actually care about hear crappy pop music, instead of understanding every word, because you know how it feels.
And no, there is no way I'll be able to hold it.
I;m sorry.
But I can't look at peoples eyes if they are too much like me, I just can't, it's hard, to see the misery in pain they hold too much, and to know that there is no way I could change it.


I hate this heaviness, why can't it's just be easier, it went this way for a very short while, why do I have to be sad over the summer?
I guess it's just something, and like every other thing, it will fade away eventually.
Have you saw something that lasts forever?
Love, is rarely to stay on earth, I believe in soul mates, but I also believe that they might be born ages ago, in different centuries, and the souls will keep rolling until they'll be in the same century, and then it will last, so the "I have a soul mate" is a pile of shit.

I have a soul mate, and I use it on daily basis, it's named my connection to the world, and this is -for now- the only thing I need, it became slowly like food water and sleep for me.


I love big eyes, my sister have big eyes with huge doll-like lashes.
Too bad she doesn't fix her eyebrows, and she want her hair as it is, I think that braid would fit her perfectly, but I won't make her to do it, it's her choice.


I remember seeing the quote...

I'm sorry I went to instagram, to try to find it, but instead I found something that kills me.
"Too many people know what it means to kill a butterfly"
I know, I remember, one day I drew it in school, I knew that I have to make it stop, it was a long time ago, and when she came in, this bitch, that only because of her I went to this very dark place, asked me what I'm doing, I said that I'm drawing, she replied "Cool, like a tattoo?", I lied and said "Yeah, like a tattoo", not how it should really come "No, like a sign to remind me to stop cutting myself".

Why am I doing it to myself?
It's over, the chapter is written, but why do I keep to read it.
Can you believe that this two years was probably the worst in my existence?


I posted this photo on Instagram:

http://instagram.com/p/cLunt_gqU6/

It's me, and you saw this photo.
You know it.



I still feeling like doing it, just don't have the guts to do it, after the check that my mother did to me, I was naked, only wearing panties, and she checked if I cut somewhere else.


Have you seen all the photos of skinny girls and the girls who posted said "I'd kill to get this body".
I know who they would kill.
Themselves.


Oh shit, I'm eating my feelings again.
Would it be that bad to skip lunch if my parents won''t be home?
No, I guess it wouldn't, and after all one lunch, it's not breakfast, breakfast matters,and dinner doesn't too.
Maybe I can go to outing with friends at the evening or on the afternoon, so I could say that I ate there -lie- and I'll just skip a meal.
Yeah, it's a good plan, and I can skip meals in the prison named course of Unity and Max 3d.
I don't like anyway to sandwiches.
I can starve a little, I can bring a gum or something, gum is good.


I can do it guys.



Do you have a weigh scale in you home?
I don't.
I don't know exactly why, but I just don't have one.
I'd like to have one.
I could guard my weigh and shit.





OH SHIT!
HER POISON?1
HOW?!
I'M WASN'T AROUND HER AND HER BULLSHIT FOR THREE MONTHS!
How is it possible?


I'll still do it.

But I am scared, because of her bullshit, other girls like me starve themselves.
Fuck her, fuck me, and fuck the world I'm breathing in, because we all know that living isn't healthy, after all, you die from it.




When I was about seven, I saw my grandpa.
He died when I was five.
But I remember me, seeing his ghost.
I never told it to anybody.
But I remember one time clearly, when I was in front of the supermarket, he told me "watch out!" as a car drove fast in front of me, I asked him "you are going to protect me, right?", and he smiled and said "yes, I will always do".

This was the last vision from him.

It's weird.
I know we have this things in our family, seeing ghosts, making magic.
It's weird but true.
And if I could practice it and make it real, it would be awesome.
But it's impossible.


I can learn some stuff, but the chances are low as the dead sea.
But after all, some weird creatures of planktons and alike been found there.
So even against all odds, there is the possibility.



I'm tired, so tired.
I want to sleep, but my mind won't let me to rest.
Oh well, at night I will.
And I will wake up to go to a psychologist I hate.
To doodle things.
But at least after the horror hour, I'll go to the craft store, to get white feathers, and polymer clay, and tools for it.
I want a doll, a thing that was a part from every girl childhood that she loved, every girl but me, the serial doll killer.



I'm really starting to cry.
Kissing in Cars.
But why?
It'll make sense on Fix You (though that my brain won't hear it).


Have you heard a song named Mirror Mirror, of a band (band, hmff, it's more like two girls than a band), named M2M?
I always thought it's another pop-soul song about heartbreak and a mistake she made (it's not a mistake it was on purpose, but only after it, she understood that it was wrong), but it's also hiding self hate.
I've noticed it today, I know this "band" since I'm seven, and I liked the song because every time they sand "Let me get you inside" or something alike, I thought that they said pikachu, and I watched Pokemon back there when it still was on TV.
This is the beginning of the song:

Why don't I like the girl I see
The one who's standing right in front of me

It's so depressing.

Dammit, even my innocence 7 year old music sucked away the happiness.

I lost the controller and I'm stuck with Ninjago.

Fuck.

It's just a fucking lame copy of Power Rangers.

I;m tired and this not eating thing is giving my body mad reaction.

For a minute I thought that it doesn't worth it.

But fuck it, I need to work on my self control, and if I'll be able to do it, I will.

I'm so hungry.

I'm still hungry, and it passed 30 minutes since the last I'm hungry.

My stomach is literally tied in knots.

I can feel it tying itself, from hunger.

Like my guts trying to eat.

It's the fucking hunger games in me.

So, I'll try to distract myself with building a house on the sims three, and watching the fat sims going skinny, but starving because whenever they'll die, I'll give them the death flower so they'll stay alive in misery together.

Cheers for my invincible creepiness.

Guys, it's been about 2 hours and a half, I didn't eat.

But I feel weak, I'm so tired, but I'm not that hungry, hunger might be stronger when you are tired, but when you let the body understand it, it won't be hungry.

I ate the last meal about 7 hours ago.

Breakfast was on 10am.

Now I'm eating dinner.

I took 4 meatballs and 3 potatoes.

It's a small amount.

If I would take bigger, my stomach will hurt from eating amount that it isn't used to.

That food doesn't taste good.

But I have to get protein in me.

Do you know all the "I can't drown my demons, they learn how to swim" bullshit?

If the demons knew how to swim the secret circle will probably be more epic.

But if you want to kill your demons, burn them.

There is no other option.

For my desert, I'm having a mango.

The food is disgusting.

I want to sleep.

But at 7 I have a guitar lesson.

I keep learning Stay Away From My Friends.

I like this song, it reminds me someone I would like to drown or set on fire, but she's deathproof.

By the the way MB, when I played The Sims 3 I heard voice memos, between me singing like a whale and me singing like a sexually active worm, I found something, when MB supposed to apologize, I left the phone in my pencil case that it will record.

And, she never came.

So I heard the whole conversation about everything, including the claps, they clapped me when the devil principal I had said hat I said, back there, when I was half surprised, I said foolishly "I just hope that they won't do what they done to me, to her", I shouldn't say it.

I know what I should say.

All the words that passes in my mind right now, this words that will hurt her, that she'll fucking understand what she done.

I have so many things to say.

Shame, that none of does will come to the world.

I'd like to jump from the window right now, I know that the height won't hurt me, after all the third story isn't high on our building.

But if I'd smash the glass on the way, yeah, a decent damage.

But there is no way on earth that I'm making the meetings with the psychopathic psychologist longer.

I hate her too much.

What?!

I didn't understand why stomach tied in knots plays until now, I'm in tunein, and it's a song in the one of the first stations that came in the artist I searched for, Pierce The Veil.

And I got as a "prize" another song I like, because it physically happened to me an hour or so ago.

So, tomorrow is doll time and forced-to-make-unnecessary-art day.

I like that song Situation 1, and Another Word for Desperate.

I want the doll to be a boy, a young boy with a a long hair, like of James from team rocket, but also have the more section/layers/spikes/however it called.

And the dress of old forest clothing, like on the old cartoon movies about Robin Hood.

And wings, small angel white wings, that I can take off.

Here's a song named I Never Got To See The West Coast, I never did too.

But my plans lays on living there.

I searched what cities are the main there.

And I saw San-Francisco, I firstly heard about the place about at the fourth or the fifth grade, when my ginger friends, Addi explained me from where she is, and I found out that they guy who mails me all the nice things, my friend, really likes the place.

I always remember this scene when I hear the name, if it's on a song, a movie, a book, or on TV.

It's just this way.

I finished with eating for today.

The only thing that will come in my mouth today is the pill I need to take, hormones for period and shit.

Ky is the fucking evolution of William from Code Lyoko.

It's so the same!

His uncle teaches him, he's good with wires and electronics, and he's in love with a girl that another one loves.

I finally got it.

High five people, I need one.

I deserve even a brofist!

I'll just keep watching code lyoko.

Holy mother of fucking moses.

I'm getting hyperactive!

The only fear of not eating is probably the period thing.

And I want twins.

So... Umm... yeah.

I want chocolate!

Good strawberry chocolate!

Guys, I'm getting insane.

I might say things that I don't mean them right now.

Like how much I'd like to rape a banana.

I'm weird when I'm hungry.

I'm like the dude from the snickers commercial, I'm not me when I'm hungry.

I should get some nice cold chocolate.

Guys, I don't know what to do.

I'm getting fucking mad in here, I should be in the cast of Alice In Wonderland.

But what?

I'm hungry,

Fuck this shit.

Well, no.

I didn't eat it.

I just won't lose again to my lack of self control.

Guys, if I have only one thing to tell about people who wear makeup (boys and girls).

Why?

There is a man, in Israel, a celebrity, who sings "dark" music, and I'm like, what? No.

Though that he have a song that one line is "I am the son of a bitch" and I said to my friends "I bet his mom proud of him"  and that was sick.

Another makeup thing, girls, there is the natural look (only one or two make up things), and there's the I-just-drowned-in-crayon-pool look.

And another guy make up thing, STOP SCARING SEVEN YEAR OLD CHILDREN, because when I was at the second grade one guy from my class accidentally (that was a real accident) clicked on some real metal band and it started with blood in a white room and fucking screaming.

They were a fucking mix of lordi and kiss, the funny thing that I liked it, instead of child trauma.

I have to go to my bed, it sucks, I know.

So, good night, if you'd like to talk, you'll find the way.

And as always,

Berries, survivors,

I hope you'll make it.

Plain long post

I wonder if I'm the only who react this way to self harm related content.
I'm ready to scream, to cry, to kill.
Everything about it, scares me.
It's good that my body react this way right now, he (my body is a he) doesn't agree to do it again, but in my mind, I think about it everyday.
Always, "what if"s and how it looked like.
I'm getting nervous when I read or hear about i.
Why am I talking about it?
From two reasons,
It's my blog, and if I won't say what that's happening to me, this blog will probably go back like the first post of Play, with the horrible trashy Nick Awards fashion thing.
And because, I just saw the finishing of Thirteen, and a girl in my shallow teen magazine (if I won't read it, the conversations with me will become comparable to talk with a wall), and this girl wrote about her friend, about how much she is worried about her, because her friend, cuts herself.
I think that I'm missing a heartbeat or I just stop breath when I hear/read/see self harm.
Or maybe just every kind of harm.

But, why?

Another thing I read about my shallow magazine, they ask things on facebook and put the best comments in two pages of the magazine, and they asked how do you thing you can reduce the bullying and fights among the teenagers (all the kids who read this fucking magazine should hear "teenagers", understand it, read it again, and make a huge riot in the center of Tel Aviv, and don't stop it until the government will make a law against any kind of bullying).
And the 3 top answers that was online is:

The golden post ('the best one")
To act as much as possible against bullying, to lecture, to make small shops in the mall with bracelets with sentences that is against bullying, and open Facebook groups....

There is a continue for the golden, but I think that he wrote that common bullshit that we all try but never succeed.

And here are the other two, my favorites!

To make a law against cyber bullying, that someone will really keep an eye on it and help to stop it.

The human being that wrote it should get million dollars, to hire one, because this human is brilliant!
This is what the state should do, instead of the religion bullshit!
Fuck it, who cares at your belief's when something that affects all the children (the futures generation), and stop it, if you want something better, let the kids do it, they are smart enough, and people! hear it, stop with the fights against each other while you all believe in the exact same god, and save the ones that really matter for you, your fucking families.
Now governmental people around the people, fuck off and stop the bullying.

And another thing, that I'm actually accomplishing right now:

I think that victims of bullies should go and tell their story, so that everyone will see what it could do, and make it stop. after all, everyone knows where's the line stands, and I'm sure that if the bullies will see what happened in similar situations, they'll stop.


That's true, and that's what I should do, to go to schools to share it everywhere.
More and more, until it will come to the news, the more that knows, the better it is, and to stay alive, it's what I actually want to do, to prove the world that you can be an outcast, but not from society, or anything, to be outcast of the statics, to prove that against all odds you did it, and all the other fuckers may, fuck themselves... (?)


So today was the last day of the current week on the annoying course.
Next week we'll learn the code language (the words and sentences that doesn't make sense) to use in Unity.
The worst part of it, it'd probably that I can't even start a conversation with them, they have way different interests than what I have.
They play Minecraft, I can't handle the shit, from three reasons, in the order of importance of the things (the first is less, the last is more).
1. I don't like the game.
2. Long time ago (about 6-12 months ago somebody registered my email on minecraft and called the user name "babe86" and I didn't know ho made, I freaked out, who is the boy that made it, and now I think who is the bitch that done it (read the continue below).
3. Because Mega Bitch, told me that she like this game and downloaded it, and I said "ew, why?" and she said that she doesn't know -I probably was the most popular than, and she needed a confirmation for what shes doing.

I'll let you guess who I think that made it by the discretion of the human being behind it.
The human is good at making false accounts.

Well, that's it, but you know who it is.
Yali, aka, Mega Birch.

Oh god I would like to ask her and make an exceptional reaction, but I shouldn't get into a one feet radios around her, I might kill her if I will.

I'm now hearing a band named Placebo, I like it.
I really think that Too Many Friends is true, it reminds me the social networks world, in the huge unnecessary web people creating, accept people that they doesn't know, or just met and doesn't know good enough to call them a "friend:.
When you have above 300 friends on Facebook, I will call you fake, and the better for you that you won't wonder why.

Have you ever heard "children rock"?
Like on TV shows of kids?
I think my favorites are on Timmy Turner, when Kiss was there (wishology), and on the episode called "Timmy Triangle".
And "How Bad Can  I Be" in The Lorax.
Well, that was pointless.

I fucking hate girls.
Seriously, they won't shut up, they can't laugh along, and they are full of shit, and they complain a lot.
And getting pissed off whenever someone is doing something racist against females.

For the past 30 minutes I watched Onision things, after Dog Thought, some the funny photo things, and now I'm in the "Sexiest Pictures Ever", and guys, now I know, I am not the only human being that gets easily confused with genders.
Andy (I find it necessary to say that whenever I read his family name I automatically read it ballsack, and that's the main reason why his name is so easy, because it's insulting.), and even this guy, with the funny videos, is officially a member in the club of "human beings that gets easily confused when people wearing clothes for both genders and hair that's longer than I usually make in the sims 3, than you, and fuck my twisted mind.


Well, since I'm spending the last four days I'm glued to the computer, and then only time I'm without Wi-Fi is on my 6-8 hour sleep.
I shall harm myself mentally by watching people that skinnier than me call themselves fat!
I need to get a therapist that will cure m masochism, and my weird need to fix the past where I broke innocent plastic and rubber in a form that named by many girls "the perfection idol", I'm black (got used to this untrue nickname since preschool), and have black curly hair, and brown-black eyes, and have fucking issues with barbie and ken, they should go to live happily ever after, and the other girls who didn't destroyed in creepy slaughter their dolls, will wait for the dream to come true, and I'll fucking live my life, celebrating the off-army thing, and getting drunk at the nights and work in crappy job with people who slowly became my friends.
So, may I go to Google images and my research will start!

Oh.
God.
No.
Why?
He's..
Um..
No.



He is wearing pink!
WHY?
I think we should burn pink!
Make it illegal!


I like that girl.
She have the kawaai anime face!
But she's wearing PINK!
She may be drowned! IN A POOL OF CHEESECAKES!




FUCK YEAH.
I love it!
Why is it on fat?
It's epic!


Since Google really shows fat people (they scare me!) and they won't show Honey Boo Boo (I think we are sisters, our name is so close!)
Instagram will probably be the answer.


Oh, god, I think I'm about to cry.
This girl (I assume that only estrogen make your life suck and go all suicidal, because it did work on me, and with Testosterone you won't understand the female bullshit), @worthlesstreasure
Okay a life without this things she wrote, doesn't exist, why? because if it would, you would be bored, if you ever saw American Dragon with the foreseeing twins, you saw that the depressed girl sees all the good things so everything is normal and boring, and the girl who sees all the bad is so bubbly and happy and pink, because she knows how lucky she is that she's still alive.
Make sure you see the priority of the balance.
The Kill me now, it's true about me too.
And no, you won't wait for your last breath, you'll wait for the moment when you'll be far away from the current shit your in.

I'm sick of it.


GOD!
THERE'S A FUCKING HUGE SMILING UNICORN IN MY PHONE!
I love unicorns!
They can stab you when you are hugging!
It's such a useful weapon!


Okay, only I find it creepy when people would like to date people with scars?
I wouldn't, you know how much is it hard for me to see people that I don't know harming themselves, so Imagine me with my friends, and worse, my sister or my brother (I don't give a shit to my parents), so the one that I'll be sure I'd love forever?!
WHAT THE HELL.




I know it's not related to everything I just wrote in this post, but my hair looks really good today.
I hope that tomorrow will have the chance to look at it.


My dad drink some cherry alcohol, or cherry beer, and it reminds me period blood with ice-cubes.
It's really disturbing.

I went to shower.
I need to find new music.
And shower will give me a little quite time when my brother hears Boom Boom Pow (I mean it, how they can call every 3 minutes length of beats and things alike a song?!).


Mangoes are one of my favorite summer fruits, like watermelon, and some kind of grapes that is black and hard and sweet.
And my brother finally switched to a decent music, Spongebob songs!
I love Spongebob, he and Patrick, for the record they liked mustache before it was cool.
And they have the best songs, like from the first Christmas episode, and the movie (Patrick+fishnet+heels=the only person that can wear this clothing and actually look sexy).


My phone sparkles, for the last two days the house is sparkling, and so did my sister so I told her "Stop sparkling! What are you?A vampire?" because she sparkled like a fucking twilight movie.
And we all sparkle now.
At least it's fun, I would like to go outside sparkling and shit, and visit Forks this way, only then, I'll take a picture and officially commit my relation to the a huge vampire clan.
Why?
Because I fucking can.


Yay!
The fucking fucker-innocent-bitch is off to New York!
I'm glad that I won't have to deal with her in the next few weeks!
It's just me, Maya, the guys, and the beautiful 4 curved lines of Wi-Fi.
I want to make a movie meeting, with him, without the eye infection thing.
I want to see him,
Grapple the question  of whether or not tell him if I missed him, and hope he felt well.
And try to get my sit next to his, and just enjoy it.
Because I'll be half blind from the depressing estrogen that will excite me.
Something I didn't felt long time ago.
Just imagined I did.

I remember, two weeks after The Hunger Games movie came out, one Friday, right after school, Gal and I went to the Cinema, to watch it, and we promised to each other, that we will see the next movie together.
I guess my promises are breakable with some.
When one side doesn't commit enough like the other, the relationship will be destroyed.
I've seen it happening before, and I know that my self harm take a part of it.
That's why I keep it as a secret, I know that people will change their thoughts about me, for the good and the bad, and I'll concentrate on the bad, because the good will disappear, I'll be devastated by the fact that everyone knows.



I have huge hands.
It's awesome.
I can smack people, and leave fucking signs on their skin (believe me, I have a history of making scars on people, once when I was four, me and my sister had a thing of biting people, like fucking crazy vampires, so once I bit my dad so deep that he had a scar the went into his skin, shaped as my teeth for something about 5 years).
And playing the guitar is easier.
And it's nice because when I need to write or use my fingers somehow I barely need to move my arm, my palms are big enough to cover my computer keyboard.


Hey, I really like dolls right now.
It's weird but I like the ones that is looking like forest creatures, like they just need wings and I'll be sure that they are fairies.
So, on Friday I'm going to a craft store, get some clay, and I'd take my fathers and sisters acrylic and alike (they like to actually paint but never does it, I just like the plain paper and pencil or the iPhone), and I already saw how to shape, I just hope it will look good.
I want it to have long hair (realistic one, hopefully), elfy ears, and big lips, it will be skinny as fuck, and have wings, not forgetting the classic forest outfit, the weird 3/4 sleeves shirt with the lace where is the chest is, and also  7/8 denim with boots that begin when the pants ends.
I just have too many hopes.


Since my friend is an awesome fanpic writer he writes a fanpic to The Hunger Games, and I might as well write some short story.
Like the book I used to read when I was younger, the little insane child, a girl who had a crush on some weird -but cute- guy and she hated the blond popular girl, and it was funny, it's a comedy in words.
I should continue Reached, be back soon!

God, this books is so slow.
I hate slow books, and I hate slow songs, and I hate slow dances (until I'll be 13 or 14 and than it will be "so romantic" bullshit).
I just hate slow things, I need to do things fast, because I have a lot to do, and less time to actually so it.
I once drew on my therapy session, a clock and two weird figures were on the hands of the clock, like they trying to make the time pass faster (this was my meaning) and she didn't understood it.
Oh, well, it's better of this way anyway.

I'm trying to draw the fanpic character for his book, just for my own pleasure.
I'd probably design soon the doll.
If you have ideas, you may comment (what am I thinking? you never do anyway, I think my brain is melting).
I will try to make it look like this cute doll that made me want to start it:

Isn't it adorable?

So, I really liked everything pretty much but the earrings, I don't like the weird stretchy ears, I find it very ugly, but one girl told me that my helix is ugly and then she wanted to get one of her own.
Yes, I have many stories with certain bitch.
I passed the beginning of my actual life with her.
She killed me and I ca back as a zombie, until I slowly fixed myself and recorded the process.
And guys, the dead can get back to life.


Something that will always say something to me is the story about the fence and the nails.
It's a story that if you'd ask every kid from my class what's the meaning of the title, they'll know what it means.
It's a story, a kid who is a bully, has a chore to put another nail in the fence whenever he hurt someone, and he did, after a short time, the fence was built, and his father who assigned him to mission told him to take of the nails,  told him that whenever he apologizes to his words to others, to take another nail off.
After a longer while, the father said that even when you take back what you made," and points on the nails, "there will be a mark, that will stay there forever", and since then the son never hurt anyone anymore.

Do you understand it?
 That whenever somebody calls another ugly or fat, it does hurts, and after a while even when they apologize or not, the nail comes out, but there is still a hole, a scar, a wound that will stay forever.
And another thing, a lecture ordered from my parents, a man, an investigator, came and explained the 5th and the 6th graders about what cyber-bullying does, and he told us, that when somebody says something about another in a rude way, it's like stabbing, and he said also that the innocent Like button is like a knife, you can use it for good, for an example to cut a potato, but if you won't be careful you might cut your finger, and if you won't notice it, you might hurt other, as every like is a stab, so when ever you like something against someone it's like stabbing you.
He told us that one time, a boy went to him, the boy just pressed the like button, and he didn't understood what he did wrong, because after all the like button is nothing but few code lines on the world wide web system.
So the man asked the kid to stand on his chair, he pushed him slightly explaining that every like is like a push, the boy said that it's just a small push that won't harm anyone, and the man said "maybe it is, but it was only one push, what about 400 pushes", the boy that the whole story about, the one that everybody he knew liked the rude negative status about him, he's dead now, and just because of many pushes, many stabs.
Finally the boy on the chair fell, and he understood the meaning of the man standing in front of him, the one who pushed him weakly time after time after time.

And do you understand it?
The two bad things about the lecture is that the bitch wasn't at the day, and that so many people died from this reason.


The post is long and the date passed so I'm finishing.
Goodnight, and I hope you imagine me and everyone who is dead and never felt that they matter sings you a lullaby, promising that nothing bad will happen.
Because we have each other, we are like a tree, each one is a small berry, but we connected, if one falls, we all do, and if one grows we all too.

Berries, survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Barbie Breaker

Oh, I had a terrible terrible day, at least I have this lovely guy friend, that always can come up with something that always brighten my day.
The day started and I enjoyed the 3d max session, was much better, but in the second, I barely understood, I just made the forest sector from Code Lyoko (my crappy barely working Unity version of it):

"XANA has activated a tower!"
My version of the tower in the Forest Sector.

So, let's get back to the terrible terrible day, my mom went fucking insane.

She hit my brother, and punished my sister while my sister said that what's my mum doing is wrong.

Well, fuck you mom, I don't even respect you enough to call you a mother, you doesn't deserve this name.

To call you a mother is an insult for mothers around the world.

I still miss school, the routine of staying away from the ones who will stay for a very long time in the eternity that the future offer, I don't want to stay in home.

I don't like it here.

I wish that I could just get into a place for orphans, or some kid shelter, and live with kids around my age.

But I won't, because if I will, I will insult all the other children, and I won't have a way to communicate with you, you are pretty much one of the biggest reasons I'm staying alive.

You are, and because I know where the pain goes after suicide, and how much it's edge cutting, because you do have a future, and you do have a choice, and you do understand my plan, and who knows, we might ran up each other, and we all live together as a group (you are more than ten I assume, so we can get some big apartment, and live, just like in Step Up), so if you'll ever see me (when I'll be around 22-23 or something, communicate, because we might have a better place).

Today in Instagram, I saw something, from some reason that I barely remember, I found myself in the cuts hastag, and I almost bursted in tears, I was shocked, disappointed, and sad.

I was shocked from the depth, it's like they shoved a chainsaw in their wrists, disappointed about the amount and the girl that wrote about her fading scars that she wants them back, and sad, because of the fact, that it's real, it's too many, and everyone there digging another piece of ground, to set their coffin, to the grave.

By the way coffin and grave, I won't ever be in a coffin.

It's a Jewish thing, it's like in the bible (I don't remember it good but it's my attempt for it) "From ashes you made, and to ashes you'll fade" -rhyming making everything enchant for me-.

And in the Druze, they bury and forget where they buried him, they don't even making it big as the Jewish (not even talking about you, creepy Christians) and it's because that the soul is moving for another Druze human, there is incredible stories, it's like the bible, there is not scientific fact that it happened, but it did, so fuck you and your science, because our beliefs just happened, deal with it.

Okay, since I assume that most of you Christians, and barely few Jewish and Arabic (high five you two!), so after seeing TV, music videos (yes, Helena does count as a funeral for me!), and some other things, let me tell you what I understood:

You wear only black and the ridiculous black veil from a stupid British tea-time hat (that reminds me more like the ones that you can buy in Eurodisney -I have Jack Skelington one!-).

You wear crosses (because of course that Jesus will do something, the man is fucking dead, it won't save him).

And you make a huge ceremony, with tons of speeches and stuff like that.

Well dear Christians, your funeral is fucking messed up.

By the way that the guy is dead and he won't save him, if you heard about the Messiah, that will save us all.

You'd probably didn't missed the fact that all the dead will become alive again.

And he'll come on white donkey, I think that if all the dead will become alive, you can make it a unicorn so it will fart rainbows that smell like cinnamon pie.

But only I understood, that in the moment he'll came, a huge war will begin, because a fucking zombie apocalypse will begin?!

At least you can play Black Ops 2 zombies, and practice a little, and watch The Shine of The Dead (or the parody, The Shawn of The Dead).

So my day was terrible, and thanks to the saving email from this guy (Y, the one who used to be called in names like gay, homo, fag, tomgirl and other shit because he could sing and act well), he always write fanpics and things alike (small chapters, and scenarios) about The Hunger Games, he really likes the books, and it's incredibly written, I really enjoy it, and it always make me smile, and feel better.

Something really epic happened to me, thanks to my sister!

SHE WANTS TO LEARN TO PLAY THE DRUMS.

Guys,dreams actually come true!

After she said it I asked with a smile on my face "Really?!" and she said yeah, and I said that the band that I'm hearing right now have a brothers in it I heard something by Pierce The Veil, and I was excited.

You know something, if I need to pick an instrument I know to play on and hate it, I'd say it's the Clarinet.

I know a little on the Piano thanks to Y and two other friends.

And I also know the Guitar -you already know it-.

And the Clarinet, it's an instrument with such a small amount of options.

I saw rock on a piano (the first time I've heard about it was from one of my friends, that he told me that people asked him if he'll play in some rock parade or something, -and god now I see that my 9 year old imagination just became a video clip of Welcome To The Black Parade, just that I imagined it at night because he told me it at 8 or something when we and some friends went to a basketball practice of a famous team-), and I saw violin (the girl from YouTube and a photo from Facebook), but a fucking Clarinet, it sucks, I hate it.

I've learned it for a year when I was 9-10, and at the end of the year I said to my parents that I want to learn  to play the guitar, so I got one, the full sized because I could -almost- fit to it, and somehow I grew to it, and after two years I can strum well, and every song I can.

The Fur Elise (you all know this music), and passing through the common Smoke On The Water that everyone who asked to learn something on the guitar from his friend knows, and finishing with The Most Evolved and Stay Away From My Friends.

I'm hearing now Stomach Tied In Knots, I didn't picked it, I think the shuffling can make nothing but better for me.

I wonder how many times in the future I will cry when I'll hear this song.

Something awfully and magnificent is in (or on?) my iPhone, it's quite shocking (word game!).

I get electrified whenever I touch the metal when It's charged, I can put it on my lip and get a scar, a delicious burnt skin tasted.

I like the tasted of damaged skin, especially burnt one, it's like all the joy in the pain.

If I could use the funny gas they used in the beginning of Thirteen when they couldn't feel their mouth area, and I could burn a little my lip, and I won't feel it, so whenever the gas affection will end I could lick it and enjoy that delicious pain.

Yes, I am watching again Thirteen, and I don't really know why (to you to remember they are on the 7th grade and they are coming there 13, in Israel you come to the 7th grade when you are 12), and I guess that I'm afraid or confused from the fact that it's what 7 graders do, and if it'll happen to my school.
At least one thing for sure, somebody will need balls to try to pick up on me, I am not scared, I stopped being, because I'm strong enough to hit them back, and I'm smart enough to know what I'm doing.


I'm trying to find some beautiful plastic or another material or dolls, I guess it's because my rough history with Barbie dolls.
Since I was little, I used to more kill violently at Marie Antoinette style.
I didn't dressed them with pretty-pretty dresses, or walked with them in the street.
Every Barbie I had, loosed her head within a day or two, and limbs too, then I'd try to get her connected again, but I couldn't most of time, I guess that not all the broken people get together (sad grin).
I guess that I never meant to be a girly girl, I'm another lost girl between personality types, trying to fit into one, to hold on in only one place, but I can't, I just can't fit in, I'm too less from too many.
I guess I'm everything but a girly girl, or stupid slutty one (if I'd like to have sex, I have my ways), I'm the mixture of one of the guys in their inner guy genres, I could fit to the rebels, to the jocks, and to the nerds (I play sims too much, I know), I know and keep learning how to use the computer, and my athletic skills are quite impressive, and I still won't agree to be another one of the static.

I want a doll.
Maybe this entire section of my life -these few years- are trying to "fix" what that been when I was younger, it's a psychological shit that I have, and people doesn't notice that it's the actual problem (aka, youth) and I'm trying to be someone that every girl was, to be the model of the average girl that I'd never be, and I'm stumbling my way to understand and collide my soul, my mind, the truth, and the body so I'll be in inner peace.


I searched in eBay, finding nothing but this funny doll.

"I don't really like you right now"

If I'd meet this doll in a very dark alley I'd probably piss myself and try to escape while it's demonic powers will fucking fill my lungs with my blood (my creative imagination).

I remember a word for creepy things, so I tried to use my dictionary app on my iPhone (when it gets to copy paste cut, press the next button and press define).

And the word is Massacre, I think that my mind remember better words that relates to death, and violent actions, I guess I'm into fucking brutal several kills, I'm a little bit of sick in my mind, but hey, that's the thing that makes me myself.

Fun fact, the two letters I used the most are the letter E and the letter T.

I don't understand why people are afraid from spiders, in Israel, they are very small and it's rare when big ones are here, we have more cockroaches, but in my room, dozens of ants, I have George, Charles, Lizzy, Annette, Claudio, and I also had Latisha R.I.P.

She died, Maya g killed her.

I don't want to go to this course tomorrow, at least it's the last day of it in this week.

My mom got me for something that it's 3 weeks!

4 days per week.

I hate it!
Who and why the fuck would like to be the only girl around older awkward guys that talk about things she doesn't know.

Socialize won't poison you!

And I say it, I am, the girl that in her trip to New York for something about a month, that was like glued to her iPhone.

I have weird problems, masochistic, fire loving, excitement hunting, and find death inspiring.

You read about me, and my creepy/crappy life.

Oh well, at least it's you, knowing that even people who lives in a small country that surrounded by enemies, and still succeeding with it's shit, could have all the kinds of people and have the exact amounts of shit in our society like yours.

So, Barbie Breaker needs to say goodbye, and I have very weird don't-be-racist speech in Extras, so make sure that you'll check it.

I just sounded like attention whore, just ignore it.

Berries, survivors,

I hope you'll make it.

Mr. Lonely love

Happy Love Day!
Today it's the Jewish Valentine.
And I'm mister lonely (the song) like I'm in every other holiday. 

So, nothing went special today. 

I had the usual,

Keren annoyed. 

Maya tried to flirt with guy. 

I laughed wih my sister. 

Lied a bit. 

Went to the course. 

Well, today makin games was much easier, I understood everything -I think- and I even made a game (simple of jumping in some "world" over unity), and built a chocolate bar in 3ds max. 

I ate, heard music, watched some code lyoko over the break. 

When the second session started, we started to see a game named Dead Space by the trailer it's seems like one of the best game I'll ever lose in on my Xbox!

Zombie-alien-babies are fucking nightmare metrial, so it's seems pretty sick and awesome. 

After it, I came home, ate some Popsicles and ice cream, watched until the fifth episode of season 3 in code lyoko (bucket list number one is about to be done), and checked some shit online. 

This post isn't long as usual because I spent about two hours for my grandmothers graduation (she's finished her work as a teen guide in some dormitory -like in code lyoko-, and she was the best so she had a party with all the other bests), and I ate food read about dead space, made William in chibi 3d thing and few minutes so I printed it to the world and done the glue and scissors thing:

I really want that William will be on lyoko, xanafied -of course- and they'll be in the sea, with the cool submarines, and the epic William submarine. 

Because, when William is only half evil, and he doesn't know that, the love triangle is much -much- better. 

So,

I'm going to do shit and get some sleep, hopefully to post a real post tomorrow. 

Bye human beings. 

Berries, survivors,

I hope you'll make it.