Trigger (not a warning or something)

Well (have you noticed that I use this word multiple times in every post), last night I got triggered. 

Not fun. 

Not fun at all. 

Not only that it hurts in my head, and it makes me do something I wasn't supposed to do (I lived guilt free for three days, not fucking fair to ruin it), it also hurts my body, and it fucking sucks. 

Not only you think you're a failure, your body reminds you that you actually are one. 

I'm not feeling good anymore. 

Last night I already felt that I shouldn't eat so much. 

And I said "don't worry, it's nothing", and then I got triggered, now it's "you foolish girl, you thought you'll be happy in hell, welcome back, in order to be better you mustn't eat", and I can't go out. 

If I won't starve, I'll be overeating until the whole thing is over. 

And who knows, I don't want to reach fifties again!

Ever again!

I have a feeling that I did. 

And you have no idea how much I wan to cut but I can't because I'm going to be waxed on Wednesday, the whole body 

Fucking hell. 

I'm in school now. 

I don't want to go to that thing they do. 

I'm ugly and the whole beauty of the video. 

Oh well, two more school days (not including today), two more short and easy school days, and one ram day. 

I think that in this week I'd make polyvore stuff with my clothes. 

Not fair. 

Why do I have to be the one who's white hoodie (FUCKING WHITE AND PRETTY) got a bit of blood on it?

And it's super unfair. 

It looks like a tiny hand and it's on my LEFT WRIST. 

FUCK.

...

I can say that I had one of my better hours of life today. 

Yael is the girl that saves me from my sick bored sadistic self, with her I feel alive. 

It's not good. 

The last girl that I felt alive and good and normal with is now 90% of the time a zombie, because she's on medicines, probably antidepressants. 

It makes me wonder if she ever tried to commit auicide. 

You know, pills aren't so easy to get. 

I'm going to do stuff that will make me forget about my dominative parents. 

Trigger (not a warning or something)

Well (have you noticed that I use this word multiple times in every post), last night I got triggered. 

Not fun. 

Not fun at all. 

Not only that it hurts in my head, and it makes me do something I wasn't supposed to do (I lived guilt free for three days, not fucking fair to ruin it), it also hurts my body, and it fucking sucks. 

Not only you think you're a failure, your body reminds you that you actually are one. 

I'm not feeling good anymore. 

Last night I already felt that I shouldn't eat so much. 

And I said "don't worry, it's nothing", and then I got triggered, now it's "you foolish girl, you thought you'll be happy in hell, welcome back, in order to be better you mustn't eat", and I can't go out. 

If I won't starve, I'll be overeating until the whole thing is over. 

And who knows, I don't want to reach fifties again!

Ever again!

I have a feeling that I did. 

And you have no idea how much I wan to cut but I can't because I'm going to be waxed on Wednesday, the whole body 

Fucking hell. 

HIPSTER SPA

I saw an arcticle about the rising of (the dark knight? no) spa themed birthday parties in females aged between 6-8.
People reacted like those are 30 year olds who still play in Barbies and cry about every little thing (I got example with a boy Baby reveal gone wrong!) and it's not the end of the world.
This is not that bad.
I'm going to translate few comments and share my opinion about them.
 "And then (everybody) wonders that in the age of 12 they know how to seduce (male) teens"
Nope, doesn't relate.
The twelve year olds in five years will probably do something that will "shock" everybody.
Like gang rape (happened few days ago, and again few weeks ago), or stabbing (happens once a week), or drinking and stabbing in the same time (happened in Purim), but they'll have to think big in order to do it.
I had a spa themed birthday when I was ten, the only "bad" thing I didn't know before the age of ten is what yaoi is, and minor stuff like hetrosexual-bisexual-homosexual, after reading the page few times, I knew about almost every kind of protection before it.
I already done things I shouldn't.
Look at the good part, I know what I like to do and what I don't, I am prepared for everything;
I never saw an eight hyear old one day after their spa birthday wearing high heels, applies heavy make up, wearing extansions and straightening their hair, and wearing extremly short jean skirt, and a thong, and a tank top, and a bra that's stuffed with pillow filling, and sexting younger kids (a ninth grader sexted a boy from my class), I never saw one because it never happens.

I'm moving to the next comment.
"The next party hit a stripper for eight year old girls", I would give you the rest of the comment, but it's fucking stupid, so I'd rather to leave it out.
I'm not against it, it's not something they won't see by high school anyway, in the Purim party two or three guys dressed up as strippers.
And a girl that was my thinspo ever since I got in this school dressed as the black swan, it made me smile inside, that was my image of her outisde my head, it was beautiful.
"The generation of the parents 'fucked generation'" and inside of the comment "(The Parents are) creating a disgusting society and it's only the parents fault, we need to run away to a sane place, there's nobody and nothing to fight for", I personally think we should post it on a shirt and walk with it, let's create a riot, it's already summer and nothing started.
But seriously, it's what I say all the time.
We are not fucked up (at least in Israel, I'm not a Russianolog, by the way there's a real thing called Japanolog!) our parents are, and we are the prducts of a fucked up generation.
And it's everything they did wrong that we need to fix.
Fuck it's hard, and all we got it's what they have to offer.

I see all the other ideas for birthday parties.
I remember that one birthday I wanted to actually do something.
Kony 2012.
And I cancelled it because too many people got invloved (mostly school, like who the fuck are they to be a part of my birthday?!), I wanted it to be my idea because I manage doing it by myself, and it's simply stupid to interrupt, adults suck.
Like really, that's pretty much manipulating me to not want to help anymore.
This is awful.
It's socially accepted.
But awful.
 OH I LOVE THIS COMMENT!
"Good that for boys they don't arrange a party with a stripper. Disgusting (originally was misspelled)", sweety, let me tell you from now, most of them will have the same mentallity when they'll be twenty eight with their heads buried in some Thai stripper's tits.
ANOTHER ONE!
"Shocking (:) (and) what in age (orignally misspelled) of 12?", I know.
I've been in few before, I know that they'll want all of the eyes aimed on them.
The stars of this night.
I personally think that birthdays in a club are stupid.
In every age.
The most you need is a bunch of good friends for this occassion, money, and a bar, if you'd like it more diy and home-fun and memories kind of thing, buy drinks, buy a bartender's guide book, and enjoy.

I want people to wear suspenders more often.
In Hebrew it sounds funny.
SHleyke'es.
This is kind of how you prnounce it.
It's usually considered to be the unofficial sign of geeks, and if it's matched with a styled beard and a really weird object/clothing piece it's an "underground" hipster sign.

YOU GOT SCENE EMO AND GOTH IN DIFFERENT CATAGORIES. BUT YOU DON'T HAVE HIPSTER.
WHAT THE FUCKING HELL WIKIHOW?!
I know how to do it, and sound like a total dick while doing so.
"It's not only about clohting and attidute, it's the music, I hear Emotive Hardcore/Gothic Rock/the genre I'm unaware of that's considered scene".
WAIT.
WHAT.
I just secrolled down to Gothic Rock, and as I want down I said to a hair that seemed familiar "I like you hair", and I knew it was familiar.
The  Cure.
His name is Robbert.
FUCK.
IT'S ANOTHER NAME THAT I CAN'T FIND A WAY TO MOCK TO.
It's the same with names that go with Christian based names like Christiana and alike (welcome to my school), Frank (Wether you look Ivory Coaster or Ggerman, you are a money unit to me, and I'll sell you), and Curtis, which I just remembered thanks to that awesome youtuber-simmer, and I adored his accent.

I'm going inside the area, wish me luck, I might never come back.
Tell the people that are respoinsible for tours to be in anywhere but israel that I fucking hate them.
I decided to go first to the youth and then personallity section.
I clicked on "How to Act Cool and Sassy in School", simple, become the Geography teacher, she's one of the better teachers with such a wonderful personallity.
OKAY.
I NEED TO STOP LAUGHING AT IT.
BUT LOOK AT THE WARNINGS!!

• Lots of boys might start liking you.

I never found affection as a risky thing!
They aren't some horny dogs just fucking with everything that moves.

• Don't get tattoos at this age.

You know that it's legal to do so since sixteen without parental premission.
This is ridiculous.
You can legally have a motorcycle gang, tattooed body, a girlfriends in the age of fourteen, have sex with all genders, and to drop out of school white you are seventeen?
That's mad.

I love Hipsterism.
Or Hypsteria (hysteria and hipster).
I love it.

I wanted to continue, but I just went to translate the line, I like the way you work it no diggity, and from there it went to the video.
Then to Destiny's Child.
Then I wanted to hear some Hindi pop (was awesome), and now I'm in Russian pop.
I clicked for a remix.
Then I clicked on the first video from the suggestion that I had no idea what it meant.
This is it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMENcPNrLdg
I bursted laughing at 0:11.
I'm sorry.
But what?
I need to check who are they.
Alexay and the gorgeous Anna.
She's a mother for three.
LOOK AT HER BODY.
The band's called Винтаж.

The meaning is Vintage.

Well, Hypsteria, appearantly they like to wear Raybans in the colors of the rainbow.

I have one pair of sunglasses.

red-orangeish color, I know too many kids with so many pairs of sunglasses, mostly branded ones.

Wear Ironic tops, and wear fitted hoodies.

I had no idea what fitted hoodies are.

I looked in google for them.

I understood how satanic they are.

Hoodies are supposed to be comfy and warking.

Call it a "handmade sweater" if you'd like to wear something like that.

Bitch please.

OH FUCK.

BOUND AND GAGGED IS LIKE TIMMY'S THREAT-ROMANCE LETTER TO TRIXY.

Step five!

Wear vintage.

Or as I call it.

Wear Vintage.

I take Alexey, you can take Anna!

Can you help me take the muscles out of the skin?

Okay, give me the glue.

*glues the face skin mask*

But come on, we all know that Vintage clothing means old and ugly 70's fashion with another seven zeroes to the price it was in the 70's.

The footwear part is boring.

OH FUCK THE PICTURE IN ACCESSORIES.

There was a movie once, and there was a guy, with a hair that looked like a penis.

This is a mini uglier version of penis hair.

Not kidding, his overall look is just sad.

And the carrying option is a messanger bag (I love mine, it reminds me a mixature of a buisness person, and a messy adventurer), that should be able to fit your macbook (in English, a shitty overly used laptop that's not that comfortable to most of humans, I like my Windows desktop, that will probably have a problem sooner or later, and a person will say that in Linux it wouldn't happen), your iPhone (if somebody will make something with the simplicity of iOS and the options for the wide crowd like on Android and all of that in a samsung device, I would buy it and find a way to thank them, probably hiring a hooker), and a long play vinyl, and it's mentioned *never CDs*, I find it stupid, insulting and really really stupid!

I enjoy the suprisingly amazing quality of my CD's, thank you, part of them are three times my age, they work like magic, and all of it I can enjoy in a pair of headphones with great surround sound (I always take one side off in some songs, only to enjoy the funny moment when a side whispers and the other plays, it's awesome!), and it's not Beats, it's a sony, priced in 39 dollars.

I have them for over a year.

Oh wait.

Vinyl's of your current favorite band.

Should I laugh or cry?

People, for one moment I can hear metal, the other Hindi pop, or simlish Indie (Na Na Na, Hot 'n Cold, Need You Now),  and the other will be filled with Jumping between Gothic Rock to Pop Punk to Polish Pop.

I can't just pick.

Okay, there's a step.

Read Hipster Classics.

Okay, all kind of weird names.

I'm one of the only kids that at seven they decided they would read every single thing that some poet wrote, or few classics, but I won't watch ever the Titanic.

Edgar Allen Poe is an example.

The Pajamas, and Ruby Gloom and those twins that I d.....

IM NOT CRAZY!!!

I FOUND THEM!

AFTER ALL OF THOSE YEARS!

I FINALLY FOUND THEM.

EDGAR AND ELLEN!

FUCK YOU WORLD!!!!!!!

FUCK YOU ALL.

ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS THAT THIS HOLIDAY WILL BE FILLED WITH ZICK'S ELENA'S IRIS'S RUBY'S MISERY'S EDGAR'S AND EDGAR'S AND ELLEN'S VOICES.

FUCK YOU.

All I need to find is that show with the pink hair and Ray-Ray and....

FOUND IT.

FUCK YOU.

JUNE IS MINE.

Okay, I'm mentally prepared for the rest of the hipster thing.

...

Now I remember why I love Wikihow so much.

I went to something called "How to be a Crunkcore Girl", I had no idea what Scene kidz meant, and I just found some stuff I love.

The thing that a person named GayGod made is absoultely weird, and awesome.

My first reaction "I have no idea who he is but I admire him since now", I do it to many people.

Some are actually famous.

Ricky Martin is an example.

Scene Kidz- My Boyfriend.

I'm still not sure about the gender.

I saw one guy and one girl, but there are at least 9 different human beings now.

This video is frmo 2007, and origianlly recorded on 2006.

It seems like a thing that I would put on loop.

I usde to put the same fucking CD that all I know about is the wrapper got a picture of human-tiger-leopard or something, and we played it endlessly.

FUCK IN THE SUGGESTION BOX THERE'S SOMETHING FROM 2008 WITH MYSPACE.

FUCKING MYSPACE.

I'M TOO YOUNG FOR THIS SHIT.

MY-FUCKING-SPACE.

ANOTHER THING.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWJ_-LGEovs

This person got so many rude comments.

And they all remind me anime.

we need to add a Hastune Miku category.

.....

It's nine thirty. 

Mood: suicidal. 

Reason: mother. 

Lesson learned: cutting and fasting is on and available, madness returned, sanity is a lie. 

Blood

It's six a.m. and all I can think about is pain. 

Not to make myself have it, I'm not in that mood, espacially after my afternoon wonderful kind of joy, I felt it because things just worked the right way, because my life isn't that shitty, and I could to see it brightly then. 

But for real, now all I can do is to lie down in some weird \_ while my head is on the top of \ if you understand. 

I'm in pain from the fact that I haven't pooped much since few days ago, because it's fucking painful. 

It's sharp and hard. 

I don't remember eating glass.

And I have a feeling that I'll see blood. 

And not neccessarily my period blood. 

That physically hurts. 

Well, and if that wasn't enough. 

I started to think about my hatred and fear towards apples, only with thinking about it my stomach reacted and decided to hurt me. 

A lot. 

I'm going to the bathroom. 

Something good should happen. 

...

Nothing happened. 

I feel like there's something in me but it won't come out. 

It sucks. 

Something that sucks slightly more?

The fact that I said to myself last night that I won't weirdo myself. 

I did anyway. 

I was 48, after no pooping and eating a watermelon. 

It's really fun to be in the around fifty but actually in the forties. 

I wasn't in the forties since the fifth/fourth grade. 

I still hate puberty. 

I know I won't grow taller, or at least I won't grow quickly taller, probably 1 cm or so in a year, which is nothing. 

I'm soon over with my period, I can see that it's leaving. 

It stayed weak all throught the week. 

It's suprising. 

I don't know if for better or worse or what does it even mean. 

I'm starting to develop a healthy relationship with food. 

And with healthy I mean, I won't devour it like a maniac, and I won't avoid it like the plague. 

Means, I'd enjoy it when necessary but I won't act unnatrualy with it. 

I noticed I did so yesterday. 

I ate without guilt. 

The only thing that involved something with the eaten food is the pain after eating before practice. 

But that's all. 

I'm currently healthy, vegan, athletic, hormonal, blog writer whos about to celebrate their thirteenth year around the sun. 

My lip is bleeding. 

I didn't felt it until I sucked y lip inside and felt a weird cold liquid. 

My lip blood tastes sour and slightly salty. 

Weird. 

My blood usually is sweet. 

I wonder why is that. 

I don't know how I got here. 

But maybe it might help my hearing music problem. 

I'm now hearing a song named "lolly", with Maerjor Ali and Juicy J and Justin Bieber. 

Before it was Miley Cyrus and some others in a song named 23. 

And before it was a song with Katy perry and juicy J it was Egyptian themed. 

And the first one was lady gaga's G.U.Y. 

I haven't heard many names in that area. 

It's not weird, because many don't know. 

But it's like I'm outside my area. 

And my area I mean that most chances that I'll have a suggestion for a video about a confession of a murderer or so. 

Most of time I just hear some creepypasta tribute or some nightcore (usually what I do on YouTube, the rest of the music is on my iTunes, or in a radio that fits), but it's so weird. 

I got to the simlish area. 

And I just can't understand how it went "hey [insert name] it's the sims people, we'd like you to perform a song in our game", the other side "can't you just download it and talk to our managers and lawyers", "we'd like you to perfom it in simlish", and then they put the people and with their weird lyrics, and magic happens. 

I never saw somebody films Fun. Or Lady Anteblum (close enough), or My chemical romance, or Lilly Allen (close as well), but I did see Katy perry!

Now, after soulja boy, and bel biv devoe, and dr dre, now, it the Beatles. 

I personally think that Twist and Shout is hilarious. 

SHAKING IT BABY SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE SHAKING A BABY WHICH IS ILLEGAL AND IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEASURE. 

I can actually hear the fact that they couldn't perform many times because the fans screamed louder than the speakers that were available. 

This is pure magic. 

I hear Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. 

Known to be the song that probably just showed their use in drugs. 

LSD. 

Which is never a bad thing...

The only thing I actually wonder about. 

What the fuck did they take when they made I am the Walrus. 

Weapons

I kind of binged for breakfast. 

I feel slightly bad for it. 

But that feeling is barely there, so I don't worry about it. 

I am in the bus station, I tried to read a creepypasta that I've already read, but I stopped, it was about another insane nazi expriment (my favorite, I saw one with twins few weeks ago, and for a minute I thought it'll be like from the movie, the unborn, or something like that, it wasn't it, but it was good), and even in the beginning, I actually felt like I'm in 1939, exactly between summer and fall (I felt that it's the fitting season), and I'm in Germany. 

I felt it was real. 

I'll give you the link if I'd like it. 

It includes that they were building some bio weapon (not a spoiler, trust me), and all I can think about is if bio weapon is the unconventional kind or not, we learned about dangers in that size on the fifth grade, but I'm not sure about it. 

At least I know that no matter what, weapon that's aimed on you is not fun. 

Wednesday

I'm always suffering throught my period. 

I just don't lose, and sometimes I even gain. 

I need to stop eating a lot. 

I consider fasting on Sunday if possible. 

On Thursday I'll eat only after school, if I eat before, I'll suck on juggling, an on stilts, which is never fun, I want to reach at least fifty tomorrow. 

I'm going to binge today on my chocolatic buns and my vegan nutella (which came out better than last time), and probably on watermelon. 

Though I'd try to not to, since I'd feel like shit, and I'd rather go have fun with friends than beat myself up for it and doing nothing because I'm punished without computer and television until Friday (who said that I'll stay same until then?), and I don't want to disaapoint my friends. 

...

I jumped 125. 

Which is fairly good for me. 

But I already imagined myself writing to you that I jumped 130 and the word "bam" capitalized and with an exclamation mark in the end. 

People (and by people I mean Irena and girls who stay around me, but not enough to know that I just like it or simply understand) keep saying that I wear the hoodie too much. 

Next year I'm going to buy some new ones. 

I like this style the most. 

It's simple, got a big pocket, comfy, got a hood, and just simply perfect. 

I got mine in white. 

I like it. 

Only last week I understood that it's like Jeff's outfit, from the creepypasta, I personally enjoy more from NoEnd House which is absolutely perfect, it's short and sharp, not too detailed, but it's also long enough to build anticaption, and detailed enough to make it terryfiyning. 

...

I haven't mentioned it earlier, but this morning my teacher said that my work is good. 

I know she said it only to not make me feel bad, she thought that I cried yesterday because of the work. 

That's sweet. 

But I don't cry over school. 

I laugh at school. 

I laugh at every single person who thinks that it got some power in this world. 

World to person: you are pretty much worthless. Period. 

I want you to put a cut to this movie you live in and wake up for a second. 

Trust me, I'm doing you a favor, wake up now, suffer now, be fresh and good to go later. 

It's painful now, but it'll be twice as hard than now. 

I'm currently preachin truth, do not interrupt. 

I need to have a bowel movement, desperately. 

I need it to be flushed out. 

Completely out. 

It makes me feel sluggish, and it sucks because I constantly feel unnatrualy heavy. 

It's not fun. 

....

Do you have an idea how tempting it is to commit a harming action towards myself. 

Too many accidents that give me meanings. 

Examples?

The fact that I see the shortcut sh too many times throught the day (today it was in english) and I occasionally see razors or hear about it. 

Wow. 

I really hate hearing good music with a low volume. 

Thank You For The Venom on three out of I don't know how many sucks. 

Same with Oh Love. 

It sucks. 

I've read earlier some creepypasta rules and tips (they write it seriously and amusingly in the same time, it's fun and educating, like reading the logic behind The Immortals powers, though that I'm confused by how they change atoms to different atoms, it doesn't make sense, oh well, it never meant to make any, right?), I enjoy that I'm so worthless or so poem, even I can judge it (literature is fun when the teacher bothers to teach it, we learn about short stories, all I could've think about is NoEnd House), so I decided to screenshot some and comment on them, like always. 

Necrophilia. 

With this topic you got two options. 

Be turned on. 

Gag. 

That's the truth. 

I went to the poem section, and I found a poem. 

Ever since I haven't read a poem, at least I finished Cassia and Ky poemance, if I wasn't, I'd just keep imagining cassias limp body, or Ky's, from the extremely contagious plague, and the living one fucks the other. 

I'm the gagging type. 

Deafeningly loud. 

Whispering: "Aya"

Whispering louder: "Pop to rock, black veil brides, evensecne" (I never understood how you type it correctly)

Whispering the loudest: "BLACK AND RED HEADPHONES"

Deafeningly screaming: "Die. Die. Die."

Just read the Aya's Headphone one, you'll understand. 

I was pissed mostly because that it's pop to rock.  

Do you understand how stupidly small it sounds. 

The hero is supposed to be a know-it-all kind of girl in music, pop to rock, mentioning black veil brides and evensecne 

I understand so much now all the people who rudely comment towards them (although we can all agree that none of that type is metal, there's a limit), and...

Wait I'm laughing at the weird obviousness. 

"Wow! My hey picked the main character to be the hero of this episodes plot? How original!"

I found my screenshots from my first encounter (I just used this word correctly, this is another great example that stories of that genre is a better teacher for vocabulary an for correct grammer in English than most Israeli teachers), to the poem thing!

That's the name!!

I am sadness and disappointment. 

It was one of the worst ones, and I really want to show you a picture, but the chronology will be fucke up, so let's see the reference to emo pony so i can keep on going. 

If you think about it enough, this is all of the scene emo and gothic wikihow guides combined. 

I spent few good months of reading about it, multiple times, it's fun to understand something you don't understand. 

I personally will go with a hipster person (inspired from Edgar Allen Poe, but it's too mainstream, so they'll pick cartoons -insert an obvious sarcastic duh here- and Ruby Gloom fits here, so I'll go on redhead girl and a pale boy?), and their version for applause. 

I really admire hipsters. 

I SHOULD READ EVERY ARCITCLE ABOUT HIPSTERS. 

And I should write a book why alternative rock is fucking satanic. 

And why metal is stanic. 

And why pop punk is satanic. 

And why classical music is satanic. 

And why everything I'd like to buy is satanic. 

Conspiracies of a frustrated twelve year old -soon thirteen, and soon two year anniversary! Which will be during the holiday. 

And I really want you to scream really loudly "HOORAY", or at least sing a song that will amuse me. 

I'd probably celebrate in simlish. 

I really enjoy simlish. 

Fun., Katy Perry, Lilly Allen (I think), and My Chemical Romance. 

I recognize Fun. Easily, somebody even filmed Katy while she sang it simlishly, I love her, she's so powerful, and yet, lovely and feminine (I personally think that power is gender less, and it makes people ignore your gender, same with weight), and I didn't even think that My Chemical Rimance will be there, I just entered to a YouTube video I've never seen which is simply named Na Na Na, and above written "(indie)" and I assumed it'll be that Indian song style, which I refer to be "walla-walla-walla-walla-walla-aha, walla-walla-walla-walla-walla-walla, tam too-doo-goo-too-doom" song, and then it started. 

I squeaked. 

Zuko joke style. 

I already said it before. 

I feel like those dating site couples, repeating endlessly their love story. 

It's a boat. 

I have another screenshot which is a poem by a person that's named William Carlos William, it sounds to nickname-ishly to be real, but what can I do?

It's about plums. 

I liked this poem, he was basically rubbing in front of their eyes how great it was to eat their food, how much they missed, it's actually awful thing to do, but it makes you smile and giggle like a child because it's so simple, so naughty, it feels like you did it. 

My second thought after it was that I should call my plants this way. 

By the order they stand in. 

William- stevia

Carlos- onion

William- peppers

Nice one, right?

Wrong. 

I already got bonded with the name Steve. 

Steve the stevia plant. 

Day 25

I looked at photos two days ago, for that stupid family album we had to make (I ended doing it not about how you supposed to do it, because I don't consider mother fater and children as a family, I consider people who are cooperating together, being a huge unseperateable group that no matter what sticks together, if you'd ask me, there are so many fake families. 

So, back to the story. 

I saw a picture of myself lying on my cousins (was around twenty or something at the time) lap, and you could've seen her face. 

I just looked and wondered, who is she?

Then I checked the description (we write stuff near the photos so well know from where it is), and it's my cousin. 

Okay, there she looks really fat, like incredible round face and two chins. 

Now?

Oh, she looks like she came out of a playboy magazine. 

So slender, so beautiful, like a perfect doll. 

Few months ago I officially considered her as thinspo. 

That's slightly fucked up. 

The whole family thinks she's on the verge of anorexia. 

Okay, something weird is happening, I really hope it's only for the first two days or so, but my period. 

It's incredibly thick, and you can't feel it. 

And it's so light, I'm slightly afraid that I've done something wrong with the pills. 

Well, I hope it'll be good. 

....

I'm so fucking ugly!

I can't stand it anymore!

My face is fucking awful. 

That ugly too big nose and my terribly wide lips, and my small eyes and the long head, and my fuckung cubby cheeks!

I'm so fucking ugly. 

Why can't I be lovely?!

Why can't I have an actual color?!

I'm not tan, or black, or white, I'm just poop. 

I want to kill this body. 

This body isn't bearable. 

I feel like I'm intentionally hurting everybody around me with my ugliness. 

I'm no fucking kidding. 

I actually feel that thy don't deserve to suffer me. 

I can barely hear half the time, I'm confused, I don't care enough, and you can't look at me because I'm disgusting. 

This whole thing should be over with puberty, I really can't stay this way. 

Nobody deserves to suffer. 

And I have that weird ugly shaples body. 

I fucking hate my ass, it looks so big and ugly!!

It just doesn't match. 

I fuckin hate my lower body. 

I need it to disappear. 

....

I'm glad I let that out, because now I'm mostly positive. 

I got really awful scores in 60m and 80m and I simply swung it off (came from the song bujaj sie), I have no idea why. 

And I'm not joking when I say that I saw my friend's hipbones, and all the slender girls, and it didn't effect me. 

Weird, but it's a very good weird. 

I'm in control of this fucked up thoughts. 

I drank some zero earlier, I craved something sweet for a very long while and it caused me to binge because nothing satisfied me (I'm making my own food today, so it's better), and I feel way better. 

The pain from the coke gas hurts more than cramps and just the whole digestion and bowel area. 

I desperately need to go and poop. 

It fucking hurts and weighs me down. 

I really hope is poop by tomorrow morning and I'll be able to be slightl more happy with my weight, I am changing from 46.5-48 (48 with food weight, usually empty is max 47.5 which happened over a week or two ago, but it counts), which could've been worse, but it sucks. 

Although I have found pictures of my body semi-nude (underwear, and just raising my top so I could see my belly), and I just see the change. 

My stomach got way flatter and better looking. 

I really want a small cute but, and the thinner thighs that comes with it. 

But I'm willing to wait and enjoy it. 

Savour it. 

I got time. 

My days are smearing off together anyway. 

OH!

What if is weigh less after my period ends?

I really hope it will. 

I always have this COE phase before and I'm so frustrated with it because I don't understand from where it came although I take pill every evening a little before it starts and through it. 

It's weird and I beat myself for it, but it could've been worse. 

I could do it outside the 10 pill days. 

In thirteen days I'm starting with the pills again. 

If thinking about it, it's birth control pills, but the opposite, instead of avoiding having a baby and an unsuccessful ovulation, mine makes sure I'll get a period with successful ovulation. 

My mothers ovulation is really fucked up, she barely ovulated, and she just bleeds, meaning, if she'll have sex, nothing will happen, because even if the sperm reaches there, it won't do anything, because it doesn't got anything to do with. 

Wow, I'm freakishly happy today. 

Well, it used to be my everyday self few years ago (I'm getting old! I'll thirteen in less than a month), and I missed it, but now it just seems weird. 

I'm going today to make noodles, with tofu, and delicous healthy vegan shit. 

I'll might have a small emotion realese, that soon I won't have for two weeks, which is wonderful. 

I'll make cookies, and try to make them tasting really good, and my wish is to fatten them up so my mother will eat them and gain weight (although I'm weight wise slimmer, bmi, she's smaller if the information I got might be not 

accurate), it's slightly weird, but hey, at least I'm not putting flavorless powder/liquid/something that's super high cal. 

I'm good. 

It reminds me that one time somebody asked me how do I feel, and I looked in the answer box (at this time I didn't know that open chat servers are open for member less people, I had my first account when it wasn't open for member less), and I saw Good. I obviously clicked it, and it turned to be I am Good. 

Then I understood and quickly wrote:

I am Evil (their clothes are better and I like the lunar quests better, they have better clothing), it was awkward. 

But nothing like the amount if times that random males are just coming to me or I follow them because we're in the same party, and they just start to dance. 

For me the age varies from eight to nineteen. 

I was eight with my first account, and I saw nineteeners play it, same with fifteeners. 

It's weird but, what can you do, it got a dragon, and it got parodies in the main plot. 

All I have to say is in the werewolf/vampire chaos chapter, there's a whole cutscene with Edvard, who's a sparkly vampire who uses a shit load of hair gel. 

Hmm... I wonder who can it be?

Not. 

...

I'm back from the weekly "let's squeeze the emotions out of dvash" hour. 

She talked a bit about eds, mostly anorexia and bulimia, and really one time about obesity, I'd rather say that the obese through mental illness is COE or BED, but I'm not the one who'll educate a psychologist/therapist about mental illnesses that relate directly to food (everything effects in some way to food, some directly), right?

I smiled inside about it. 

I thought it was amusing that Ive learned all of those ways. 

I stuffed myself for such a long while (if thinking about it, I could've been a thin and beautiful thirteen year old instead of my current body), and I gained weight like crazy, I taught myself to fast and learned calories and weight loss and all kind of it, I've read tips, I learned how to purge, and practiced it multiple times, with only two or so times of successful ones. 

I understood today that I feel like a failure after every time I cut. 

A. For cutting being my most efficient and my first coping method. 

B. For putting me in that month long phase of fear if it'll be discovered. 

C. Because each time I cut it looks pathetic, and it's not deep enough. 

Hate.

What a wonderful day. 

I woke up. 

My mother forced me to show her my root work. 

I wrote truth. 

She hated it. 

I cried and went through a "beautiful" breakdown. 

I begged to go to school. 

But I wasn't allowed to until she understood she had no fucking choice because she can't lock me at home alone. 

I fucking hate myself. 

I fucking hate her. 

I fucking hate them. 

I hate it that every once in a while I have to reconsider if it's actually worth it. 

I hate it that I'm in this dark tunnel, and there's no light in the end, the end is so far away, but all I do is walking, until I reach the destination, I create and build things to help me go through it. 

They aren't that good to me half the time. 

But some are nice to me, some aren't. 

I need to find a way to commit suicide, where even when I'm dead or that I was brought back, with a minimal organ damage. 

I'm not worthless. 

I'm less then it. 

I'm a fucking -12$ bill. 

My Apologize

I'm so sorry for not posting my holiday. 

But that's probably thanks to that really awful feeling from my relapsing to compulsive over eating disorder, which truly sucks, it's like the fifth grade all over again, I really need to fix myself. 

Mom writing here a plan to tell you what I'm going to do. 

Morning, no breakfast, continuing with computer stuff (probably sai and folder editing and trying to find a good app or just a demo for a synth), after it, ram, on the break, giving the birthday cake to my friend. 

And I won't be able to eat it because that it's with shit ton of eggs, cream, and obviously, a shit ton of calories. 

Not very vegan friendly. 

Nor health friendly. 

For lunch something small (brocolli leftovers with one bread with matbooha -spicy tomato thing- or hummus, or something?), and drinking water. 

Doing it until 15:35, because then I'm already out on my bicycle. 

Then, around five thirty, I'll be home, a shower, doing my stuff, and deciding if I'm worthy enough to have a dinner. 

I compulsively over ate today, soup, bread, chocolate, and packed fruits. 

At least I didn't eat the cake. 

I can definatley see the "worse" version. 

I'm not perfect, but I'm not a whole wreck that is truly disaapointment and the worst thing alive!

I probably are more, but I just forgot (from choice or not), or I just didn't eat other things. 

I want you expect from Fridays post to be epic, because it will include MPA metrial, and creepypasta stuff!

And by the way, make a small research about emos, my little pony, poems, and Nathan yonathan (or however you think you should englishify it), espacially a poem he wrote about a girl. 

And expect for new revelations that came from excessive thinking, and a self inflicted damaged mind!

It's a damn costume holiday.

And the funny thing that between all of the people who entered the pierced guy looked like a sane person. 

If I would be my five years ago self, I'd think that the girly girls are looking good or sane. 

They are probably admiring the boys who smoke, the girls who got a belly button piercing, and the whole stab-drink-set-on-fire crew. 

I really liked his ear lobes, probably because they were white. 

He got also a straight brown hair. 

I have straight hair problem. 

It's too flat. 

You are fucking satanic. 

I don't give a fuck about your Instagram bullshit that they are so fucking cute. 

Nothing cute about your satanic behavior. 

I though it will be good because I saw two guys (fourteen or so) walk towards the place I was walking to, one had a black veil bride shirt on. 

I can't stand faced shirts, probably because my eyes are here (points to eyes), not here (points to eyes of a character), this is usually happens when people stare at tits, but still. 

I bought Linkin park and green day shirts from a store that was completely for shirts, bands, and accessories, partly merchandise accessory. 

But I walked toward a store, that was described to be it. 

It wasn't fucking real. 

Bunch of dark lights, black walls, shorts and foldable fabric posters cannot be ever called a cd store. 

Especially when you can't see the CDs. 

People. 

Please bother to hear the music. 

No wonder why I saw the word poser thousand fucking times!

Everybody there looked so plain!

A piercing won't make you look buff. 

And eyeliner won't make you look girly. 

Stop being such a fucking dick and man up. 

What are you?

That seventeen dude that was slightly ashamed that he heard metal?!

THE FUCKING GEEK KIDS WERE MANILER THAN YOU, THEY TALKED FUCKING OPENLY ABOUT HENTAI, AND THEY HEARD HEAVY METAL FOR BREAKFAST. 

VAGINAS LIKE YOU SHOULDNT BE ASHAMED. 

BE BOLD (or bald, but that's a preference!)

If you like your music, invite others, don't shove it down their throats, but don't let every not pale white shirt wearer girl to be confused looking after fucking CDs. 

I was ashamed for them. 

GROW UP YOU STUPID PEOPLE. 

The guys I saw two years ago were more proud than you. 

They were friend zoned by a pink haired pierced girl (I liked her beauty even then, my mother said it was ugly), one boy dyed to black, other bleached, they weren't such a pussies like you. 

I fucking hate you. 

People like you make me sick. 

And to order online. 

I'm going to the actual cd store. 

Maybe mlt dedicated to a genre but it might got it. 

They had my chemical romance last time. 

And I love them for it. 

I noticed that lately figuring music out takes longer time than usual, and it's more frequent, I'm getting better, but soon afterwards my ears won't agree to deal with it.

....

Ttoday is tomorrow.
Yesterday I made a mistake.
What kind of one?
Not being a very good hider.
Not beig paranoid enough.
As soon as I'll put inside my head the idea that everybody wants to hurt me, the better, it's just safer way to be.
But it happenned because I went to buy cd's.
And after I went home and imported them, I saw heir genre.
Mostly metal, and one CD of punk.
I truly believe that it's just a lie of iTunes.
But it's mostly hoping, because it scared me.
When I was ten I planned my life very well.
Have two or three children, at least one girl and one boy, perferably mentally ill (or considered to be possesed or mentally ill by the seventies and the medival statements, bonus point if it's combined with religous beliefs), marry a somewhat averge to wealthy enough so both of us combined can afford an apartmet and occasionally leave for a vacation, sometimes with and sometimes without the children.
We'll have two cars, unless his job doesn't call for one, I'll work, creative manager or marketing, because I'm good at knowing what people want (the fact that I don't prefer to actually please them is a whole another topic), probably in a high-technology job.
I planned it good.
Now?
I want to work as an attendent, which is probably the best job in the world.
I'll work as a journalist or a blogger for a website that likes it, occasionally taking pictures and drawing, writing, uploading it to deviantart, and maintaining a good account there (my account that I recently opened), I'll keep being organized in springpad, unless there will be a better program, although I'd rather use springpad when people will leave, it will be more quiet.

I'd love to be an attendent, taking flights, watching people, and from time to time you can actually stay at the place you're traveling to, usually not in "quickes" (have you ever heard that sentence that says, if you want to be rich, act like one? so it's the same thing), to Europe, in this case, I'd give less than zero fucks about living in Israel.
I'd love to just watch people, I enjoy making up their stories.
I think I started doing so because of that story with Emil, hate it, but I had no choice.

....

I'm trying to find some good creepypastas.
All I want is a scientific-exprimental kind of story, written in some sort of a journal-diary-logs, I just love them.

....

I'm checking speedpaints and make up tutorials.
It started from the fastest Youtube link that was of speedpaint (the other one is a playlist link, which I have no power or will to use now), and then I wanted to see of BEN Drowned (the first one that I've read!), now I'm on a video, and here's a link for a cute Shannon (not sure if female or male, I pick female), http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSdtNf4OoTM.
Nice.
A Chelsea Smile one (never heard of it, but why not?) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugl9AmySpj0.

.....


I don't think I'll ever forgive those satanic bastards.
People should understand that it's not only band tee's that matter for everybody.
I would've stay there if it was the first thing I came to check up, but I went to a better one.
A guy, probably indian or a philipean, I'm not sure, but I loved his English, you could actually melt in his voice, and he talked about a quite amusing thing (a man can impregante 700,000 females was a sentence he said), it wasn't a cd store, it was a shirt, and bit of accesory (kind of punk if you'd ask me), so it made sense!
But please, for the satanic people, find a way to make your store, I don't know, a little less messy, a bit lighter (black and black and black, you couldn't even tell how the salesman looked like!), and at least repesent proudly and openly your music.
Stupid people.
I like the people who at least open, and slightly wilder, wild enough to not be too afraid to show their stupid faces.
The threesome (I'll call them this way from now on) was better than you!

I'm mixing up Jeff and Jack all the time.
It just makes sense that  Jack will be the murderer.
There was a Jack that was an English teacher in our school, he got fired.
He just fucking snapped in class, and cursed kids.
His sanity snapped.
And this is why he's a Jeff.
Jack, well I know a person that named Jeff to replace, but Jeff is nice!
He was the most awesome bar tender I've ever met.
Probably because I was three-four, and Ii enjoyed grapefruit juice.

-

I'm afraid that one day I won't wake up in time. 

I'll be miserable, and I won't understand it until it'll be too late (too late means under thirty, 

Not funny

I UNDERSTAND IT NOW.
It makes me so confused but happy now, I went through deleting and organizing files in my computer, and I had a bunch of screenshots on Instagram,  I captured one of a couple (drawn one, probably pen or something), and as I deleted them, I understood that they looked familiar, like the ones on My Chemical Romance's album cover, I quickly retrived the, from the doom of the recycle bin, and rewatched them/
This is the picture.

I really wondered why the name popeed up in my head when I saw the picture, weird, but I'm glad, now the circle is completed and that picture can go to hell (or the recycle bin, it's the same thing).

I still wonder if Knives and Pens are the trauma that the children around me had on the third grade.
It makes sense, the year matches, and clearly remember some numbers, but one problem, as far as I remember the song started immediatly, with strong screaming, maybe half of the video got skipped.
I regret never looking towards the screen.
Oh well, unsolved mysetry.


I regret having many pictures there.
Probably because of the creepypastas.
I thought it was going to end with the Jeff Syndrome, a cliche, sometimes even with the repeating logic, the story turns out good, but let me tell you what I read.
A human being, young, lives with his parents, it's father calles for Marie (at that point I thought it name was Marie, because the father didn't stop the eye contact with it) , it's drunk father wanted to drink more, it wasn't something unusual, Marie, who's the person mother, told it's father that he had enough, the father stopped the eye contact and spoke more agrrsievly, demanding another drink, Marie pretended to not hear, she whispered too loudly that he should bring a drink by himself, the father heard it, the father, absoultely mad, walked toward Marie, he slapped her, leaving a red mark on her cheek as she fell down to the floor, crying in pain, she stood up slowly, and the father (Jack), said it looks good on her, and started to laugh, she slowly went back to grab a knife and go towards the phone, saying that she'll bring him a drink, that all he needs to do is to sit back down, Jack said as he laughed "oh you bitch", he attacked her, took the knife out of her hands and procceeded to kick her, still laughing.
It hid it's face, terrified, convinced itself that none of this is real, after a while, Marie stopped screamind, and the laughter was the only soud remained.
Jack smiled maniacly towards it, moved himself so he'll look into it's face, it could smell the alcohol, Jack said "Why... So... Serious?", it refusde to believe it's real, that Jack wasn't there, that Jack isn't real, Jack held it's hands down and brought the knife into it's mouth, he said again "Why... So... Serious?", laughing again, malicous laughter, Jack said "Let's put a smile on that face", as he cut it's mouth sides, like a clown's grin, he never stopped laughing.
the ending line was the thing that made me be sure who it is.
And this, is how I got my scars.
I was with my phone, so only after I completed the whole story I could to see the picture that confimed that I was right.
I like being right.
And hate it.
But not now.

A commenter wrote something that truly annoyed me.
Batman. *yesh*
I'm okay with Batman, but that yesh?!
Yesh is a fucking word in hebrew.
It usually said as a cheer, or that something exists, and it's in a song, a relaly weird song, that kind of song that they use words that exist and rhyme together, I like it, but come on, Yogev's whiskey and bread man description made more sense!

Nothing

I think I'll never get tired of those people. 

The Israeli black veil brides fans. 

They are epic. 

I seriously need to stop mocking them. 

I guess a year and a half of mental hell changes your opinions. 

That and creepypasta. 

And AQW. 

And many other things. 

Is it bad that I actually laugh at arguments (The's fight styled and other social network ones),  because if it does, than I shouldn't stop. 

And I should probably stop admiring Russia, enjoying only a small amount of people's company (Ido and Ido and Ido are pretty much insane together), although that sleeping with sirens store don't even give them a fucking option, this is a big insult. 

I got used to the fact that Israel is not even a fucking option, thanks to years of eBay and the straw that broke the camels back, the fucking album. 

Maybe I should stop reading creepypastas. 

Especially ones that I'll remember for years and will disturb me. 

It happens a lot, even without creepypastas. 

I can't concentrate half the time on my sims gaming, because I can't stop thinking about Victor and dancing and blonde streak and very open v shirts, or muscle tops, especially the ridiculously open ones, and boxers, and pretty much everything. 

I blame years of forced dancing. 

Fuck. 

Now I'll always think bible doing so. 

When I was a first grader I almost was forced to dance with the girls for the bible getting - year ending ceremony. 

It roughly translates to me for a hell I'd rather forget. 

I fucking hate it. 

I need to figure out what does that mean. 

Malk. 

Was it a bad form of trying to write Malik in Hebrew?

One directions fangirls do it better. 

It translates to king from Arabic. 

مَلِك. 

I like to write Arabic here. 

I guess I like everything that's not Hebrew. 

But I guess I should write one thing here on it. 

אני לא נהנת מזה. 

It means "I don't enjoy it", kind of, oh well. 

The Hebrew language seems so ugly to me, I can't stand it. 

Arabic is fucking art. 

It got beautiful letters. 

Imagine the beauty of Chinese symbols with the simplicity of pinyin. 

I'm bored. 

I need something to ruin. 

I haven't ruined many things since I do it to myself. 

Afraid to hurt others. 

I need a worthless thing to abuse. 

But nothing is worthless when you look at it. 

When you name it. 

When it lives. 

When you can feel it. 

When you can see into it. 

In that moment, it's worthy. 

But I can't do it with myself. 

Therefore, I'm not worthless, because worthless things don't exist. 

I'm nothing. 

Nothing is less than worthless. 

It has no name, no color, it doesn't live, you can't feel it, you can't see into it, it just takes space, a large amount of space. 

It's like gas. 

But it's not very real. 

Yes, maybe it exists, but it has no size, no form,  nothing. 

 

Ginger

Dear Christians, why the fuck do you poison your friends with sugar and fats on Christmas?

I made ginger cookies yesterday for my costume (a gingerbread man cookie), and the amount of butter!

And the sugar!

And the corn syrup!

Are you fucking kidding me?

Gladly, I used less butter and sugar, but that's because I just didn't have enough for making them, not that it matters for me, vegan high five. 

Today it's Purim. 

If you remember last year, then good, if not go google it. 

Another Jewish holiday I don't believe in, but I got no choice. 

So I'm dressing up and joining the crowd. 

Last year I was a bra, right tit. 

And the traditional food is buttery crunchy kind of cookies. 

Never liked them. 

But the really yearly thing, is to bring to your friends a basket/box filled with junk food and sweets. 

I made a huge one. 

I think the only thing I can eat from what I made is the juice. 

Gelatin, and butter and milk are the things that this food made of. 

This, and a ridiculous amount of sugar. 

In the card, I wrote "I'm saying sorry now for the sugar poisoning you'll have later, happy Purim from dvash!"

I'm lovely. 

But the hospitals are ridiculously expensive these days. 

That's so weird in my opinion. 

I remember I tried to explain...

OH I REMEMBER!

I wanted to say I forgot it, but now I remember. 

I tried to explain you how to pronounce his name correctly. 

His name is usually writing chah, and that's really weird. 

So, the first part is tzah or tsah (I prefer the ts, as this is how y sister got her name in English, I created it, and not tz, will make me have a mental breakdown thanks to Bratz, and Gal), and then ch/j (on Spanish), like Jose, which At first I read like joe•zi, and then I thought that it's Yossi (stupid I know), it took me five minutes to figure it out, which is a shame. 

Oh well. 

WAIT. 

I have something important to say!

THEY'LL DELIVER IT TO FUCKING NORTH KOREA BEFORE ISRAEL. 

It doesn't relate to what I said before, BUT COME FUCKING ON!

Amazon delivers stuff to Israel, shipping of 300 fucking dollars, but they still deliver. 

People actually wonder why I'd rather live anywhere else but here. 

Although I don't know if it pays for them to ship it to Israel, we make a lot of noise, each small person, but we are just like twenty people that making a riot that seems like made by hundreds. 

The only good thing about it, is that I'll never stop imagine a concert for the good old days on 2060 or something, and every single fan will break his hip.

And I'll be sixty and jump on the crowd and break people. 

Because yes, one of the better ways to die in, die nicely happily. 

...

I read on how to stop emotional eating, which sucks because thanks to my mother, I'm struggling with getting to 46.5 again, it sucks. 

And people suggest to write or scream into a pillow to make it bearable. 

For me, it just makes it worse or doesn't help at all. 

Writing (guess when I'm doing it), doesn't help, at all, it seems so usual, nothing special. 

And screaming into a pillow never helped because it just made me even more angry, sore vocal cords aren't something that makes you happy. 

I want to comit suicide. 

Everybody here, slender, skinny, fit, and if not then sexually attractive (12 year olds are still not sexy), and there's me. 

Fat blob that weighs 47.5-48 thanks to shitty emotional eating. 

.....


DON'T END.
PLEASE DON'T EVER END.
I REALLY DON'T WANT TO FREAK OUT TODAY.
I hate the person who wrote Aya's Headphones (or earphones?), link is here:
http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Aya's_Headphones
You know why I don't want to do it?
Because my headphones are black and red, and the next song in this playlist-mix of YouTube is In The End.
I'm kind of upset today with the music.
Yesterday I could hear Bring Me The Horizon's Sleepwalking and Can You Feel My Heart, now?
THEY AREN'T AVAILABLE IN MY COUNTRY.
THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH.
Wasn't it enough when I wanted to get May Death Never Stop You, and it can get to North Korea (who can't order it, unless they are a relative of Kim, or something like that), fucking Zimbabwe, everywhere but here.
Now it is targetted to harm those twenty riot makers!
NONONONONONO!
DON'T.
SHUT UP.
DON'T

And you do it.
WHY YOUTUBE?! WHY?!

....

I want to cut, three days in a row

Hate it.

You know what I hate?

I hate that whenever I'm trying my best, the most I can give and to keep my sanity safe (I don't want to get into prison, I'm not that good killer, considering it, a padded cell, the worst ones), and trust me, that's a lot, I don't disrespect the ones that worth it, I don't get suspensions (and even good guys and bad guys get them all the fucking time, or that who I considered nice so far isn't that nice any longer), I don't get an interruption, I never did, some have few, I'm barely making any foul steps, I'm being finally good, not like of the years before, due to the unbearable feelings even before the fifth's grade winter, I was truly helpless, no motivation, I assume it happened after people told me I'm a perfectionist, I decided to not do homework to prove them wrong, they were right, that's one of the reason that I am who I am. 

I don't cut, although that if I don't I suffer from emotional binging and overeating.

And I hate it. 

It makes me more harm than good if I'm not hurting myself (nail marks aren't painful enough), and it fucking sucks that I have to not have a meal in order to feel better afterwards. 

It's a hell, but hell became such a pleasent place to run away into. 

Heaven won let me in, partly my choice, I don't want a shitload of friends, dozens of faces and even more names to match, I don't want it, it disgusts me. 

Earth can be nice, I have to admit, but I'm petrified. 

I'd rather to stay at the homely place there, my thoughts consuming me, numbers in fact do count, fear exists, monsters are real, comfort can be found in reading, writing, and feeling that you're not closed alone in this bubble. 

And what I hate the most?

When I try my best, and it's not enough, not to both of my parents, only to my mother, big deal, I didn't make homework, but she don't have a fucking signal idea what the average gets there, interruption, late, went out without permission, ditching. 

They're fucking animals. 

I'm trying my best. 

My teachers like me. 

Do you know how terrifying for me that my therapist is more welcoming than you?

And I fucking hate her, I cannot possibly ever stand her. 

Is it weird that I have an idea how this hell will look?

Colored in a dark chocolate brown, and pale light brown, the two most beautiful colours, that I'll never be. 

It will constain wifi, and my laptop, it'll be pretty much like my room, just with a double bed, I'll wear plain clothes, and I'll succeed at powering my emotions off. 

Fuck this fuckung life. 

At least my dad cares. 

And my sister and brother. 

And my small yet satisfying amount of friends. 

Humm...

Did I just dye my whole world in her?

My mother is the only one who caused me this misery. 

Every pain or sorrow, designed by her, and it turned me that badly, I fucking hate her. 

Sin

My parents said that it was raining too hard for going with my bicycle, they said that I should take the bus. 

After a short while of me trying to make them think they're wrong, I said okay, and now, here I am, walking towards school. 

I have to repair the damage, I sinned with emotionally binging. 

I'm in school, I feel really out of control thanks to my new weight, I'm currently 47-48, I truly hope it's at least 0.5 of it it's remaining food weight. 

I need to lose it desperately. 

WHAT THE FUCK!

YAY. 

I have a mission to complete in order to win this album. 

MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE IS RELEASING THEIR LAST ALBUM ON MARCH 25th!

I need to go under 46 by this date. 

Then, I'll be finally able to purchase it. 

I'll be worthy enough. 

Well that's devastating. 

It will deliver it all the way to Zimbabwe but not to Israel. 

I think they'll ship it to Antarctica and have fucking tour in there before they come to Israel. 

Is it just me or the world is just plain cruel?

You know what?

I'm tired of it. 

How the fuck am I getting a Pakistani passport?

A Thai one,  I bet some will get mine happily. 

From now on you call call me wang-xin because they deliver it to china. 

They'll get it to North Korea before to Israel!

Although Kim prefers blues, kind of fits to the slavery scene. 

Fun fact, there are really small amount of armies that include females, Israel and North Korea or ones. 

REALLY?

Now's the time to put Sing?

Just shoot me, it hurts less. 

And it's not the first time. 

For a whole minute I just sat confused why YouTube didn't work, and why was I able to hear only 6-7 songs out of a forty five song playlist, they weren't avilable to my country. 

North Korea can hear Bring Me The Horizon as much as they want, and try don't have a fucking internet access!!

That's really rude. 

I will understand if it's a film from Iran, trust me I do, but come on. 

Can't you just fake it for a while?

We are the whole world in such a small place.

I'm going to do something about it. 

Probably including with some verbally violent words. 

Although I have theory about how to murser or painfully destroy someone. 

I need this album. 

I actually need music. 

I can't concentrate with silence. 

I'm afraid of it to be honest. 

I hate noise, but I need it to survive. 

I actually fucking sing when I'm in the shower so I won't panic. 

I have the urge to eat. 

I got a fifty calorie small halva snack, and a biscuit I made which is probably super high cal. 

But I won't eat. 

I shouldn't eat anyway. 

Sucks.

You saw it, why the fuck did I do it?!
Okay, you're now more than welcomed to absoultely hate me.

Back to the story.
What's the matter with the Joker pictures and Black Veil Brides sucks?
I done my usual commental check up, just now to make the horror stories away from my mind (Creepypasta and sleeping doesn't go good together), and I just saw two people argue about it.
I have a solver.
You all suck in some point of your life, and nobody gives a shit, good night ladies and gentleman (not that you are polite enough to be considered one).

Well, I just saw that Bring Me The Horizon (I just recently like them more and more, they magically fit into my ears now, I cannot stand many slower songs, like, Ii just can't stand them they irritate me, and the same with quite ones, the more it sounds like white noise -imagine a person screaming Garth, pretty much it-), and they have a concert on the official pie day!
I personally think everybody should bake a pie and throw it around, it's a better version of the donut fight that our Ram math teacher had when he was in the army.
And tha camel scene he had.
Combined.
But can be equal to his grandma stories.

Well, in other and same news, I decided to visit the partly disappointing white room, although it sitll might be them, because it seems accurate.
It's knives and pens, and around at minute twenty there's a cut, they change into black clothes.
It took me a while to understand what the fuck just happened.

But I came for something else:

Everything Emo/Scene via Google+

2 hours ago

 

Person:  "Guys can't pull off makeup"
Me:  "Andy Sixx, Ashley Purdy, Ronnie Radke, etc…. "
BURN!!!!!!
-PsychoSixx-

Just a question, are you, person being that really weird name, aware that it's not their real name.
Just basic information.
In case you wanted to pretend to be a group of five (or four, why can't boy bands have their number in their name? like the fucking Hi/gh Five?) white men in their early life stages of adults, you can always fake a passport and do whatever you want.
If you're Hungarian, please do not have anything to do with horses.
And if you're from Saudi Arabia, please do not insult a moustache with five hundred thousand England ships.
Be like every normal vampire sim and rain a supermarket.

Daracon75

9 hours ago

 

Why the fuck does this garbage have 55 million views????

Why the fuck does Gangnam Style have a ridiculously high amount of views?
Why the FUCK two british very underaged boys are interacting with biting a finger and british accent?
And why those boys got that much views?!
Are you really that suprised? I'm not, I've seen worse.

I'm pleasently reminding myself to stay mature for the first fifty seconds of every song to respect the writer, the players (yes, even the fucking kazoo player, it's amazing), but come on.
I BLAME URBAN DICTIONARY.

I regret clicking it in so many ways.

emo violin

Replace bow with knife.
Replace violin with wrist.
Proceed to saw.


-Emo.

Go play the emo violin, loser.

I JUST CAN'T DEAL WITH IT.
I'M ABOUT TO CRY FROM LAUGHTER.


..

Another commercials for female empowerment.
I swear that feminisim is the most sexist opinion that exists.
Come fucking on.
4girls, you got good intentions, but your fucking tampon commercials drove us all insane.
Nobody gives a fuck.
"Girls are the weak sex" example for a known sentence, to be proven wrong, "DEMI LOVATO proves it's wrong!".
Demi Lovato was weak from the beginning, she self harmed and went bulimic.
Please explain me how it made her suddenly the strongest person alive.


....

He's not natrually straight.
Andy Biersack (the only way to remember weird long family names, it's when they can't come out of your head because they sound funny, ballsack).
Fucking lies.
I recognize lies when I see them.
If he got happy curls I'll kill him, or his hair stylists.

I'd probably kill everyone who kills their beautiful curls!
I'm in love with curls.

...

I finished with that movie. 

Now I'll have to watch something else. 

Probably Suicide Room that I promised to watch or JHC (I won't write the whole name each time), but who knows, I still have bunch of movies. 

I got 100 on Geogrpahy. 

Many got them, at least that's what I think. 

I blame the history teacher for being so great and the book that I suddenly started to love after I saw how they spell places, although I haven't seen their turkey, which is thousand times more important. 

Well, I went to my pro ana (sick habit I got), and they talked about some topic, but one girl/guy got my attention 

This is my life. 

I started skipping my school meals on the fifth grade, I would have lose but I didn't, I overate on the afternoon, it fucking sucked. 

It was hell that caused me to gain over 51 kilograms when I was eleven-twelve.

Not fun. 

Ever since it went on and off, sometimes "starving" myself (I remember what I felt when my stomach grumbled in class), but most of time it was overeating and binging. 

I hated it.

No I'm around 46.5-47.5. 

Fuck it.

Okay.

I'm done. 

So done. 

Today is two days and a year since I died. 

I'm ready. 

Remember that I had this secret that I didn't want to tell anybody about (even you)? You're going to hear it today, I'll edit the post later and you'll receive the information.

When I was eight, a boy told me he loves me, out of some fear I said I love him too, a mistake I made, after a while it ended up as we being a secret couple.
Nobody knew and we will occasionally meet together and have more than just a playful date.
It was kisses and soon afterwards it ended up with semi-sex (nude grinding), ever since, I don't think I'm normal.

I'm more than normal fucked up.
I fucked myself up, and I was too young to understand it.
And look, I'm not like the raped ones, sexually harressed children, I choose to do it.
And nobody knows it, even today.
I'm not planing that others will too.
I just can't take this anymore.
I'm almost thirteen and it happened when I was seven and eight.
It's sick.
I want to kill myself now.
I deserve no chances.
I already wasted them.
I'm disgusting.

You are now more than just invited to hate me, write terrible first comments, I won't censor them, I just don't care anymore.

And now I'm clicking on the publish, not sure if I should or not.

Fuck it