Tomorrow... It Begins.

I can't stop listening to Black Moon.
I don't know why, but I want to gag now.
Like, there's the feeling in my throat, like I need to shove my fingers down in it.
I won't.
It makes me tear, and then my mother asks me if I'm alright and why I was crying and all those funny things.
It's not even interested in the purging thing, it quite annoys me, I mean, it doesn't do anything but harm, it usually makes you gain (but there are always many exceptions), and it's simply shitty.

Today, Judith came.
Yeah, my cousin from NYC? She's now in Israel.
It's nice that she's here, we spent a couple of good hours together.

I'm sitting now, just waiting until my biological clock will tell me that I can fall asleep.

I want my teeth to grow already, I need something sharp and strong that will entertain me.
Where is he? I hope he's alright, I want to talk to this odd person.
At the fourth grade, he changed, he started hanging out with the arsses (I think that so many people change at the fourth grade, I did too! from my friends, to become a one-of-the-line hoe), and he just got worse ever since.
A few months ago, he smoked.
Am I the only one who finds this crazy?
I don't understand why people would even want to start with smokes.

You see, there are two types of rebellious people, one who go on small and semi-good, and ones who go big and pretty damn bad.
I consider myself as semi-good, as while doing so I'm helping myself to survive, like refuse things that will hurt me in someway, or that make me feel bad.

Well, I'm anxious now.
Why? I don't know. Hell, how am I  even supposed to know when you just deflate for now apparent reason?
fuckity fucksos fuck.
I just don't know why, I feel like I'm going to screw up everything tomorrow.
Like, tomorrow morning I'd discover that my homework was never finished and I just imagined it all.
And that the alarm would go off tomorrow, just as I'm cycling my way to school, late for school and for meeting Yael.
And the Iron dome would be so busy that the missile is going to fall directly at a place that I care about... Oh, why am I even doing this?!

Tomorrow, I'm going to screw up my health once again.
Fast as usual, drink as always, lie about it like a professional Hamas or Palestinian spokesman.


Anyway,  I'm going to bed.

That dude.

Um, today I did plenty of homework, and went to a movie.
Into The Storm.
In my opinion, it was awesome.
I just enjoyed every minute of it.
People just graded it to this low because they enjoy to be farty (so many farty people!) and be shitty.
The movie was great.
Some people said that the gimmick of the camera of the characters was lousy. I strongly disagree, that just made the movie much better, without it, the movie wouldn't be as good.
I also think that it's better than 2012, at the disaster movie thingy.

In other news (I don't want to spoil the movie), I texted my mother, inspired by Shira's words (she asked me to go to the movies with her), I asked for Gal's mother's number.
I think that the number is not active.
I didn't get any response.
It saddens me.
I just miss her so much, and I'm afraid to tell it to my parents, I mean, it's pretty simple to understand why I want (I feel like I need her) her back, but still, it's like being in an abusive relationship, that makes you feel both great and both terrible.
I just feel trapped.
My mother questioned me about why I needed the number.
I obviously lied.

I just want her back, she probably doesn't think about me as much as I do, and she probably wish that we never became friends.
Maybe I shouldn't try to become friends with her again... Maybe...


Psstt... Hey! I'm spotting a common emo in the wild, named emovampire.
I don't even know what to do with the rising of emos.
If there's another wave of emos in Israel, which will make sense, if it'd happen, I'd probably laugh my heart off when the arsses will try to fit in, and they'd all be bitter teenagers without much hope... Well I'd laugh until I'd be rageful.
I want to see it happening!
I bet it's more interesting than the smokers or middle-east listeners who just make you suffer.
By that time, I won't be surprised if some of my friends (there's a bunch of guys and gals who are desperate to fit in) will ask me if I can borrow them one of my cds who are associated with new-emo.
And I'd just joke around with Ailail and let everybody listen to Ashland High.

By the way Ashland High, I don't remember if I told you that, but in the flight back, we decided to play hangman, music type, I placed the lines that would fit for "Ashland High" and that was her first guess.
I know! How odd! It was really funny.

Oh, somebody asked for Center meetings.
To be honest, I just guess that they'll go to the super expensive store that includes all kinds of t-shirts for ridiculous prices (hey, I can get that Rock Chang for way cheaper and still original, the super shitty store at the mall sells it in a quadruple price!) and nothing but merch for prices that even the guys of Fueled By Ramen tell you that it's way to pricey.
And these guys had higher shipping than the pre-order largest pack.
And the guys behind the shipping May Death Never Stop You would tell you that it's more unfair than not shipping to Israel.


Okay, in these days, I was thinking more why I need Gal.
Because I don't want to get to the point of "I could have saved her, now it's too late..." I felt this way when she got into depression, and I don't want it to happen to her again.
I just need to get my shit together and save her.
I assume that for now... As always... I'd cover myself in shame, guilt, and other lovely things.



I was chatting with a thirteener who is quite a rebel, he is now outside, late at night, talking with me through his iPad, not wanting to get back home.
And the cherry on the top? He was this way for over four months.
Am I the only one who's worried sick about this stuff.

Oh, he's back in his room, he entered through the window.

OH FUCK.
Guys! Remember that it's more likely to have a surrealistic mate than having peace with Hamas (or something like that)?
Well, fuck you guys, we also got a pierced thirteener who just locks himself in his room and doesn't interact (cough fucking cough Dominik!) and escapes plenty of his everyday life.
I wonder if his Polish.
He is not.
He's a harmer too (yoopideedoo!), and he knows that he probably won't last long, he gives himself 21.
If it's a serving and a suicide, I'd better find him.
Selfish and truthful: I don't want another one's blood on my already red hands.

I asked him if he has siblings, he does. Two.
Just like me.
Oh, he planned to have a tongue piercing and an eyebrow piercing, he already has one lobe (how strange, I never understood one sided lobes, but I guess people do that) and probably other thingies.
He has a ten and six year old brothers.
I asked him "Don't they miss you?"
I know, how hypocritical of me, right? Guilt tripping.
They do.
Am I the only one who feels utterly shattered.
I mean, life can be so fucking shitty for some people.
I'm glad I'm alright.
Well, for now.
I mean, ISIS doesn't really care about Israel, so we have time.
Brits don't become Jihadists in Israel.
The UN's soldiers are kidnapped (and I believe that one was beheaded) by the rebels and in Israel we are just giving them the casual comments that they usually give to us when one of our soldiers is kidnapped and we're going bat-shit crazy.

I don't want to be away from my siblings.
I feel like I'm making him uncomfortable, I just don't want people to be this way.
It hurts like a fucking bitch,

The least you hurt, the better it is.
The more you help, the better it is.

I assume it's my way to fix my wrongs.
How pathetic, I know.
I feel like I'm about to drown in my pitiful pool of lies and pain of others.

I'm probably going to finish my homework and buy wax stripes and *just maybe* go visit the one I crave to see again, hear, talk to, anything would do.
I know that it's probably the most reckless, stupid, masochistic, and emotional thing I'm going to do.
It's one thing to self harm, it's a whole new other level to meet a person that people don't really understand the relationship.
I've compared it before to an abusive relationship, but the only abusive thing is that I am doing this to myself, I'm freely hurting the one I love and therefore, hurt myself.
Some sort of a vicious cycle, isn't it?

Anyway, I feel like my happiness is coming from the realisation that I wasn't really supposed to be here, and even though I am.
My grandpa?  Well, some germans tried to... Well... You know... Murder him and commit genocide...
And then my dad, well he was supposed to marry a relative, but in the end he married my mother (phew, almost lost myself, didn't I?), and then, I was supposed to be a boy.
A boy? A boy!
Why is that? Well, my mother went on special diet for having a female.
And I was born purple, I choked.
And I had a huge birthmark with a nevus inside of it.
And it's quite weird, I love it, it means that  my body is strong, the people who were with me are strong, and I just slipped through the cracks.

He asks me how many boyfriends I've had.
I told him none (which is pretty accurate).
He asked why, and told me that I don't have to if it's personal.
I told him that I'm not really asked out because I'm not an attractive spot and I don't really feel the need in a partner.

I'm going to bed, I need some good ol' healthy sleep.

Reactivated

This very morning, I logged into Stips, and I was blocked.
Yay, because having an opinion is something that you're prohibited from having if you don't share the same one!
I'm just watching Question time with Shane. The guy with the channel named Igloo wall, and this is his fifth.
It's pretty nice.
It's better than being in Quotev, and just wanting to go back to Stips, because, surprise-surprise, I am helpful.

Oh, I'm listening to Studio Killers and I just started thinking about Gorillaz, and how much I hate them now, simply because they were supposed to come to Israel, and not only that they've cancelled the concert, they also went to Syria, because they'd rather be there than here, they consider Israel to be a cruel, vicious, and the devil of earth.
Isn't it fun?
Anyway, just as the ceasefire between Hamas to Israel started... (fucking ridiculous! Each time they offered one, they've broke it, sometimes before the decided time! So far, the only thing that Israel is, is being a sucker and going with they say, how come we decided that a terror organisation that doesn't agree to Israel's existence is okay to talk to, and not only that, but we also bowed, and were helpless. By the way, thank you for the bashing... Assholes.)
The "rebellion" from Syria kidnapped a large amount of UN soldiers.
But you know, dear UN, we ask you to remain calm and be careful, the rebels are a peaceful nation and your peace keeping is intimidating and harming the citizens.

 I went to sleep earlier, and I had this dream, that Ii have two dogs.
One was hazel brown with really weird fur, he had really long fur on his cheeks, and was very furry, and the other one had short grey fur, and it was a really nice dream.
Happy dream.

Is that weird that I always dream and remember my dreams when I nap during the day?

I was on Stips, blocked from doing anything (I will be able to continue at 11:45 pm, how rude of the other fucker who deleted everything!), and I read that 5sos (I personally pronounce it like five sauce, it's easier and smoother than using the letters) made a cover for American Idiot.
Of course I heard it.
Well only about the first thirty seconds or so, and then I got annoyed.
Oh, I think that the music is so powerful that my cord starts to vibrate (my tit just felt weird, and it was because of the cord) I didn't know that "【柊優花】　有頂天ビバーチェ　歌ってみた　【鎖那】
can be so... Well... This.
I was watching a speedpaint, so it's okay that I don't understand a word.
Anyway, I assume that I'm just not used to 5sos' version.
It took me quite a while (a very long one) to get used to the middle eastern styled cover of Karma Police. Now I like it, it's very different and it doesn't even try to be alike the original, so for me it's pretty much a whole new song.

In stips I can't even grade comments.
And what if I want to like the posts of accounts that I've befriended?
Like Three Days Grace with hearts near it? Or Hollywood Undead which is uncapitalized? And what about the other names that I don't really remember but I do like.

Okay, so many people are mad about it.
Oh please, get a rest and remain silent.
Does it fucking help that you're against it?
Probably not, and that band is quite successful now, they are like what One Direction did to The Wanted.
And it's not the end of the world, and someone said that Billie Joe should beat 'em up about it.
And people complained because they aren't even American (are they from Great Britain as well?) and who cares? I think you should fucking thank them for not altering the song to fit them, because fitters are usually the worst.
Oh, they are from Australia, and they are classified as pop-punk and pop-rock.
And they aren't five?
Why couldn't you... I don't know, kidnap another dude who can, it'd be better!

Oh, hell, I just can't help people now, how annoying!
Somebody asked what's the name of a designing TV program, and I know the name, it's Project Runway, and I don't like the new season, I just don't like so many hipsters, they usually have a shitty I'm-better-than-you sort of personality.
But I do like Dimitri.

A girl published her video in stips, a cover for Fix You.
Fuck, why am  I hearing this?! CTRL+W!
Oh, already better.
Nice voice, too bad that the song makes me feel like absolute shit all the time.
I just know that I have to visit Gal.
I love her, I care about her (no, you don't, if you really did, you would be there already, you filthy, pathetic, attention-seeking, liar) and I want her back.
I should get my shit together, go get wax stripes, man up, and see her.
Why wax? Because "ew", armpits.

Oh, I guess I'll roughly translate questions and mock them... Because I need entertainment.
And I spelled it fucking right.
One question was "Ughh I really [originally misspelled] want a boyfriend.. But not of these arsses.. The cute ones with the fringe and stuff ughhh"
Which I would be pretty annoyed if there would be a trend of these "very unique" fringes, and there would be flockers, fringers, and the hair style not otherwise specified. (did you just made fun of a serious matter? Yes I fucking did, I also hear alarms occasionally and I get adrenaline rushes so I'm probably losing one calorie at a time, and I also make "blame Israel" jokes, I'm allowed.)
They'll contain premature dreadlocks (there was only one guy with dreadlocks before eighteen that I have spotted), very short hair, very long hair (spotted one under eighteen and one over, both had long black curls), and all of hipster shit that would be.

Wait, Buffy the hoe and arss killer is just twelve? That girl got me impressed!

One asked for metal and rock songs for her 11.5 hour flight.
Uhh... Listen to your own songs, go search for more of the bands you like, and worst-case-scenario you'll hear the same song twice.
After the hellish thing in Italy (how come that there are barely any places with English?!) I just can't listen to most of my songs without using the lyrics. I just can't.

Oh, one asked if there was any girls like her, she's fifteen but she's extremely shy and embarrassed from boys, if a guy would call her, she'd just ignore, and she can't look them in the eyes.
That's really weird.
I'm usually worried if a person who is not supposed to interact with me, breaks the unwritten rule.
If a person that I know, but not well, and we come from very different social groups, I might worry, same with authority, and my bigger family, unless they are my age and we get along, which pretty much means 4 of them, I still want to cut myself over things that I've done that really wouldn't matter for most.

Anyway, there is some bitchy twelver around.
I wonder if she's considering herself to be a teenager just yet.

Oh the girl who asked for rock/metal?
One gave her all of the recent songs that are obviously not what she asked for.
Can't Remember to Forget You.
Burn of Ellie Goulding (she actually has Lights, which everybody knows and I personally love remixes).
Wake Me Up.
Royals.
Timber.

Other one quite helped with The Pretty Reckless and Green Day.
Her father had a surgery in there... Oh...
One gave her plenty of songs, and if you'd ask me, I'd refuse, because I want to drift to sleep calmly, not to be on the verge of fucking tears.
I'm giving you the link, you don't need to know Hebrew, as all of the songs are obviously in English.
Okay, there you go: Link.
I usually give the link as well, but it's one of these seven hundred%D70% sort of thing.
Somebody suggested Numb.

Some motherfucker asked a veganism question.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! WHAT ARE YOU? AN OFFSPRING OF SATAN?!
Who in sane mind would do such evil act?
Somebody aged 12 said that she starts with drawing, and she asks what she would draw.
People like that shouldn't be serious.
Find your own damn ideas, be creative, think.
I drew a rubbish bin that is shaped like a ghost, that the mouth is the opening, which is really cool, I made a frowning ghost and a smiling ghost.
Somebody asked for simple songs for guitar.
I'm just shocked that people can't google stuff!
There's that great thingy named google, fucking use it.
This is dumber than the Yahoo questions.

There was a question, "How do you get over depression? (And write what you're doing, don't say it just goes away and nothing)".
Which means that hopefully (prays for zeus) we will have a suicidal night!
I just love these nights, each one is from one bitter teenager to another.
Most of them are like... Wow, are you sure that you're not a troll?
Somebody wrote that it happens to them quite often, and they misspelled that.
She tries to be with her family, talk with her mother and think about good stuff in her life, she thinks about funny things that called her? Happened to her, fucking misspell! And watches a really popular comedy show who is so repetitive that it starts to get old.
Another one writes, listens to music, goes to walk around or talk to a friend... It's Three Days!
There were other answers, but I'm just stunned.
Am I the only one who sits in the room (like always, these bean bags are amazing), refuses to interact much, unless it's somebody that I just can't diss off, like Sapir or Yael, and sometimes Dabush, and well I don't know, and I'm also denying the mood as much as possible.
What else... I may draw, or just entertain myself and go along with my humour, sometimes being alone is fun.
You can talk with your very interesting self.

Back to bitchy twelver, she wants to be the most perfect, the prettiest, the smartest, and most talented in the world. And if there's somebody who's better than her then she starts to get jealous and want to be him. She asks what should she do.
I don't understand how can she possibly have so many people that are so better than her.
I'm not sure how can such an envious girl have true friend.
I want to be alike my friends, but I am not jealous, I do wish for being alike it, but not like whiny and it's not fair and bitching about it.
I just don't get plenty of that shit.

Somebody feels more and more depressed as school comes closer (odds for suicidal night is just raising, soon we'll hit jackpot!) and nervous, and sad.. It's really hard for her.. She's super cranky, and she doesn't want to return to a place where she's constantly judge and see people that you don't like, she has good friends, but she still doesn't want to, because it was better to her during summer, she doesn't know what to do.
Now... Dear stips.
I can help, and thank you for being such an ass.
I do too feel that way sometimes, I feel judged, even outside school, but that's just a matter of skin, some of my schoolmates want to...
Wait, somebody gave her shoulder width for asking about hourglass body shape! Darling, it's bust that you need to measure, you need you breast area!
Anyway, I just have one person who I truly despise, which pretty much makes me feel judged and hated, but I'm working on defeating her.
There are others that I hate too, some of them are in my new class, they are just one of these preppy-shitheads who enjoy being with a negative IQ and being shallower than a kiddie pool, and just having their testosterone levels high up, they were fucking happy and cheered when they heard that Gal left for another school.
They hated her for no reason, only a couple of girls accused her (falsely) for hurting me.
The only thing that happened was that I've hurt her.

The same drawer, named Nastia13.
She's twelve, maybe her name is Anastasia or something alike that.
I don't like her.
Somebody said that she drew a crying eye.
They gave a link.
I personally don't like it.
Link
I just think that the eyebrow is too low, unshaped, and the eye itself quite annoys me.

Somebody asked "Everybody here in stips are kids with problems right?".
The lack of comma annoys me.
I don't think that you can consider everyone with puberty as a big problem, but whatever that makes you happy!



Oh fuck, a new wave of neo-nazis in Germany, neo-nazi hipsters.
I just assume that they are a bunch of punky activists who just goes to be "original" and "unique" as they call for death of everyone who isn't blonde with blue eyes and white (or at least, one of these things) and not a christian or atheist or agnostic (and even then just maybe).
It's illegal, so that's why they are doing it.
Fucking hipsters... Hate them, now it has a bigger reason.
I just wish for that Israeli dude that wants to move to Germany will not die.
Oh, the nazis also hated homosexuals.
Now, if they can stereotype people who dress at one way and call them this way, will they kill them?

Anyway, I should worry more about what's going in the middle east now.


Oh! JACKPOT! Ding-ding-ding!
Somebody asks "I cut a lot and I even went today to the hospital and my mum, wants that I'd tell her and it's because of a boy who played me and I'm in love with him how to stop?" and if that's not a good intro for deadly night, then I don't know what is.
I personally think that puberty sucks, and some people are players, you can both love and be angry, and in no time (finger snap to emphasize how quickly that would be) you'd hate him.


OH MY FUCKING GOD.
Thank you zeus!
I FOUND AN ACCOUNT NAMED....
Emo_Girl.
She asked something about "The Fault in Our Stars" which is really overrated and depressing.
I mean, can't we get a cheesy love story who has more chances to exist.
I'm more likely to have an immortal/ angel/ poem-writing aberration/ baker/ demon boyfriend than having cancer, get better, and a guy who's ex died from cancer, fall in love with me and die.
I mean, first book that makes you all go like "Ohh... I wish I had cancer".
She doesn't mention her age, the trustability scale is 74 (of course it'll be this way, being such a stuck up ass-kissing bitch gets you to be this way, and it's true about anybody, and her profile is of a blue tumblr dude, or girl) and she's quite new.
I assume she's eleven.

Anyway, I wanted to share with you something that I have about five years to think about.
Find a place, where you can cut, and it'll be almost completely hidden while having sex.
And I'm now going to open my book to find you the way Roman described it.
Shag your bleedin' hearts out!
I think that I'm going to use it when my friends will lose their oh-so precious virginity.
To be honest, I'd probably use it until I'd forget about it.

I have a pentagram drawn on my thigh, with a red pen, having the five letters to mean "bullshit".
Seems legit.

You know what would be better than learning the bible all over again? If we will practice Jewish magic and spells and all of that wonderful things.
And yes, maybe learn about Lilith? Even though that I have no idea where it was in the bible, but why not?
She joined "Satan" because she's not god/Adam's bitch.


I finally got off the hook, and I'm stipsing once again.
Have fun lovelies, I got two days until school arrives... This homework going to be hell!

A Vegan Just Made Me Lose a Bit From My Confidence.

I feel a bit like shit, uh, I just shouldn't got into the argument and write it.
I just feel angered when people compare the holocaust to the killings of animals for food.
It drives me crazy when people do it.
I just went to bite a piece of their flesh off, I can't do it though, I have three teeth that are now growing or about to grow. (I have a dental development of a nine year old child, and it's frustrating to a certain degree.)
I shouldn't have wished her to suffer like they did at the holocaust, because of her insensitivity and rudeness, and tell her that if her relatives were in there they'd turn in their grave only because of her impossible comparison.
She said that the animals suffer many times more, and that in the holocaust it had an ending date and in the meat industry it doesn't end.
If the British didn't interfere in certain places, I wouldn't be here, my father, cousins, and uncles wouldn't be here, my grandfather never got here and helped building the land.
It just makes me so angry when people do it!
Sometimes I wish that some vegans wouldn't be so insane.
That Gary and people who fanatically follow him or people who think like him and haven't heard about them just makes everything worse.
Can we all agree that if they do it, it doesn't mean that we need to interrupt them? Can we all just stay away from the plates of others?
I don't feel comfortable about animals murdered this way (I saw that fish in Japan, served alive, I was very curious and was a bit disgusted, but I was fairly intrigued to maybe know what exactly happens, to understand it better, I assume that the living thing's nerves would have been fried in a short period of time, and be suffocated from the dehydration), but it doesn't mean that I behave like a beast and go and bother everybody's life only because I don't want animals to get hurt.
They want to eat it, I don't want that they'd cause them misery (I think that we waste plenty of the bodies left in the morgue to just rot and feed the worms while being buried underground, just to be forgotten a generation later), but I don't want to make people uncomfortable for their dietary and point of view choices just because that I disagree, you don't see me saving the zebra from the lioness's jaws and let her try some herbivore options, do you?

I just feel like I should never return to the internet (and sometimes, to any social community, including socializing in life) because my opinions are very different.
It upsets me sometimes.
Why can't others understand how freaky it is?

Oh, fuck, I'm now being a total (I used to feel weird writing this word, now I don't... Puberty is confusing) bitch about it.
Probably in no time I'd change my mind.

School starts soon, I haven't found my homework exciting enough to finish it.
In other words it means that I still haven't reached the anxiety levels that requires a solution.

I feel really lousy now, so I'm going to tell you how good I'm doing now, and I'm then going to take quizzes because I haven't saw any polyvores as funny as the bvb army one.
I'm really happy in the last couple of... Days? Weeks? I'm not sure.
My walk even changed! I walk like one of the walks in the Sims 4 Demo (I don't remember which one) mixed with the woohoo walk of Sims 3.

Oh it's just annoying that my wood sank because of that stupid, provocative, and rude question!
That was the least expected song to come in the playlist!
Black Veil Brides - The End.
I was quite desperate and I decided to listen to the playlist that YouTube offers for Fearless Vampire Killers, I know it's not the lowest, the lowest is probably going to My Chemical Romance, because songs that just make your mood so low that you just feel guilty isn't enough.
To be honest, it'd be better to watch GayGod's videos about his past, and watch the ones who say that people whom they loved have committed suicide and they feel slightly guilty because they could have done something but didn't.
I'm not even in the mood for checking up on the teenagers (or more recently, tweenagers) that hang out in the most annoying way outside my building.
And that's not good.
Earlier, at noon I was happily going towards the area that used to be our balcony, just to try and recognize the songs that the local gym (or whatever that is) plays.
They cranked up the volume and everybody who was in our building chain's parking lot noticed it.

Oh, I guess I'm just going to go and (hopefully) rest in bed until I'm sleepy.
I just feel a bit vulnerable and soggy because of the rude person.
I guess that's why I'd never bother with YouTube.
I can't handle much of negativity.

My mother just came in and told me I'm sighing very loudly and asked me if I'm alright.
I am alright, at least from the outside, I don't find it very easy to physically express much of what I'm thinking, my friends mention it, so I've noticed it more.
I was just trying to clear my nose, only one side is open freely.

Oh well, I guess it's good that you're not commenting, thank you for being quiet and silently supporting.

I appreciate it.

Stipsing

Thirty views from Turkey.
I feel slightly in some dangerous position.
Fucking middle east guys, never trust anyone.

Anyway, I just wanted to say something random, because I'm watching now "Why I HATE Being Fat!" of Jess SG, and I was super excited because that I actually recognized the shirt.
I'm super proud of any tiny bit of knowledge that I own, so it made me happy.
These new things start to freak me out because I'm relating to them.
I love my body (I'm even enjoying wearing some of my tighter shirts from time to time, Firkin is not good, Firkin is fucking great), I'm happy, and I'm starting to fall again.
I mean, it's not a major fall, I know that on the first of September (if school would actually start as planned and Hamas won't make it rain rockets again) I'd probably return to "Food is going to ruini everything, remember how good you did when you fasted? And it'd be better near the other skinny chicks, and most importantly, puberty-stricken girls would feel slightly jealous, and hopefully Yali would want to slit her wrists, I just can't believe that I went to a level where I wish her to have this, I mean, am I going worse? This curse isn't that bad as other stuff that I wished...) I'd fall so badly that it'll be ridiculous.

Oh well, I'm just wondering now about her shirt fit.
I like using guy fit, which my mother described as a "sack", and I definitely need some more.
She wore the girl fit, with a circle neck.
It's weird for me.
I just don't like these short sleeves, they are restricting, and... I wonder now if in The Society their clothes were sleeve tight fit.
I don't remember much of the first book when it comes to clothes, except from brown clothing and black clothing... Or black clothing is of the aberrations and anomalies when they are at the border area?
Anyway, I hate such sleeves, I basically threw every single shirt that goes like this to the bottom right shelf of my closet, which is really uncomfortable to get to.
Too be honest, half of my complaints of Why I Hate Being Fat can also be in Why I Hate Puberty.
Main thing is that I can't wear my favourite dress (sighing from distant memories of this gorgeous piece of fabric) because of thinking that my arms look slightly too fat, and that my collarbones aren't showing enough, but the main problem is the acne-like pimples.
And quite a big reason that I sometimes get them, is because I'm sweating, and I'm sweating a lot, because through the school year, I'm really self concious about me sweating, so I wear a pullover to hide the nonexistent sweat marks, and it makes me sweat, and then the vicious cycle repeats itself.

Oh, I want to share with you something that I saw on Stips, there was a tip suggested, and it said "What is Bankruptcy?" and I looked at the picture that accompanied it, and I just was like "Explain why would you put that damn photo?" which is that:


Am I the only one who sees fucking cuts?

Oh well, good night friends.
May I be wrong and Hamas won't attack by the first of September.

Alarm at Eight and a bit A.M.

I'm trying to listen to music, read the lyrics, and read the news at the same time.
I never thought that it'd be that hard.
Now I'm going to finish my open music YouTube tabs (and I should really start with deep search about Gerard Way's new songs because for me, it makes less sense than After Earth's flashbacks or whatever they were), and I'm trying to understand what the hell just happened in Taibae, because a school principal was murdered.
I hope it wasn't by a Jew extremist, because that war just made everybody more radical, and if it's another Taibae citizen, it'll be less bad, because it'd mean less Muslim-Jew problems.
Which reminds me of that boy who was shot in the head, how? People celebrated the Aid-El-Fitter with guns.
I know... Horrendous.
And it's not like we can actually do much, I think it happened in the areas where people claim themselves as palestinians, so only trying to get in there might cause a large mess.
Shit happens in  this country that I call home.

Now I'm listening to "The Don't Need To Understand" of Andy Black.
From some reason, he changes the surname for everything else.
It's weird.
It doesn't mean that none of my friends and I do it, but it's still weird.
Fuck I was distracted!
I guess I'd just read it in another time...
I'm going to read and watch/hear a video that won't really matter if I'd get distracted.
It's one of the videos of "Mum, Don't Come In!".
I found it few days ago after watching worst auditions os X Factor and Britain Got Talent, and I just kept on watching his videos.
People dislike it, but why? It's for amusement! I don't like people who can't spot an entraintaner and they all start to bitch about it, even though that it's amusement.



Oh well, I'm just going to rest now, I'm tired of suffering because of Hamas.
I wish that enough of their leaders would die so they'll be utterly helpless and finally the palestinians who don't want this stupid wars, will get an Israeli citizenship, and we'd all live happily together, in a small land that everybody speaks Arabic, Hebrew, and English.
Like we fuckingn should.
I don't think that we need two countries, I mean, we got Jordan already to be in.
I think that if for one single damn time, extremists of all kinds would be put into prisons (or for the sake of every person who wants to live and every taxpayer: a death penalty), and all of the others who just want to live in the middle east without the battlefield part of it, they are allowed to be free.

I just want extremists to die, people to sober up (and not be blinded by rage or belief in a part that harms people, I have no problem with protesters or very religious people, unless they destroy that nations), or at least get some sort of an escape sooner.

All I  know, that if I was a type who would legitimately feel need to study for tests, I'd probably be incredibly smart and the genius program of  some boarding school that my cousin went to pick me up, and I'd be really happy, helping the country, not going to the IDF, and maybe having a chance to continue life outside of Israel for a while.

Apology and a White Dress

Sorry for not uploading lately, I'm "busy" doing all kinds of stuff.
Today I learned some basic HTML5 coding and CSS, and all of that things that will accompany my beginning in Tumblr.
Wait? What I said? Am I leaving for good to be in tumblr?
Maybe I will, maybe I won't.
I might return to being in this wonderful and merciful pit, but maybe my posts won't be as frequent, but I will post, mostly because I didn't get my graphic tablet yet (a beastly growl to accompany the words), once I get it, be sure that I'm going to have more tumblr stuff going on, because I'd be able to make an expressive comic strip style of my own!

Anyway, I am very sorry that it is how it is, I never wanted my blogs to be like all of these other blogs, who were personal for a short while and then they are diminished because of the lacking content.
I feel like I just screwed things up again, even though that blogging for over two years, and this blog for almost two years. (remember the old posts? including some depressive themes, such as "ohh I hate my life!" and all of that wonderful things, right now it's like "hey now you're an all star get your game on, go play!" because I'm that thrilled, something like in Tangled with "When Will My Life Begin" with all the excitement and anticipation, but not the hair thing, and the good singing voice thing, and... well, you got my point, and I'm making it sound like every other kitsch girly-girl blog... And the "and" doesn't help either... Fuck.)
I'm going to read some girly-girl posts and blogs, and alter them and make fun of them... Although that I like making fun of emos and scenes more often, mostly because of their obvious teenager attitude of Mr/Ms Knows-it-all, which can either be great if they have the right trait, but sometimes it's plain shitty, you might know what I mean, you could be either borderline asshole, and you can have that slightly "well I'm a teenager and this is puberty, I am allowed to do so!" which is what I aim for, minus the mistakes.

Okay, "Goth Andrew De Leon Amazes The Judges With His Voice" (I'm not even going to properly capitalize and adjust the title), and... WHAT.
How?!
That's incredible!
How come nobody found you yet and just offered you an extra-fancy contract, and why aren't you singing for diplomats/politicians/royals/rich-people/movie-soundtracks.
Usually horror-thriller-gore sort of movies, but also more pleasant ones that you'd happily show to your average five-year-old.
Ohh... That's so amazing.

But before he sang, and only the usual name and age and career "tag" appeared I was shocked by the age and career, it was "19, Makeup Artist", and the only thing that shocked me is the age.
I am not used to nineteeners without IDF clothing, I know he is not Israeli, but it's not a common thing for me, and most of people who don't serve in the army, I hate, mostly because of their shitty personality and attitude that went with their decision!


Oh guys, I watched "Attraction" at the Semi-Finals of Britain's Got Talent.
I was near crying, and I just wanted to tell some weird thing about the crying with me.
Except from the weird thing that it's very hard to cry for me unless it's specifically to benefit me at some way...
But the fact that if I'm about to cry/ while crying/ after crying, I just start to cry (again or just harder), because for me, it's probably the worst thing that can happen to me while crying.
I can list you a couple of reasons that may cause it, but I'm merely guessing.
# For starters, the humiliation in being seen something that I consider pathetic. (along with plenty of things that many humans do but I feel just shame and anger while doing so.)
# Maybe because I have an ugly cry (and an ugly smile, and an ugly resting-face, sometimes I think that being that predator from intruder would be better, and for who that doesn't know about Intruder, just imagine a blank head with hair, without a face, a bit like slenderman, just without the whiteness and hairless and the super-power stuff, although that the Intruder man got a poem about him....)
# Might have been caused by the fact that this action is degrading to my wanted image and a disgrace for all I stand for.
# It's a weak and pitiful act, where I cannot allow myself to behave this way.

I had more point that I forgot, I blame Dash, for being such an awesome website to teach you to design your own website!
Oh! Maybe I can change my blog's appearance, I always wanted it to be nicer, and for once,  I might have the chance to create a better blogger background, but first of all, I'm probably going to change the background from white on black sea-horses to black on white, because I'm getting tired of having such darkness!
For once, no darkness.

Even though, that I found something pretty funny, after watching the "My Strange Addiction" episode about the one who drinks animal blood (it is just wrong, you don't see the Blood Bank runs after you in order to sedate you and then drain you with needles even though you don't want to do so!), one wrote that skulls and black and all that type of thing are pagan and Devil worshipping and that she's not a Jew, Muslim, or a Real Christian.
I know that Jews aren't allowed, no doubt about that, I believe that Muslims aren't allowed as well, and the Christians, well...  I know that there was a saying by Jesus (it's so weird to me that it evolved from Hebrew: Yehoshua [today it usually translates into Joshua, meaning: God saved, the translition is a bit off, sorry] to Jesus in European languages, and now in Hebrew we call him Yeshu, which is pretty damn odd!) or something alike that, claiming that from now on, people can eat whatever they want, because Jesus died already for that sin or something like that (I'm probably wrong), and some Christians say that everything is everything, while others state that meat and the slaughter method haven't changed with it.
That man also said that it represent death.
Of course it is! That's why my closet is black! This is the funeral of fashion style, duh!
To be honest, I know I have a really cool style, but I just don't feel okay enough yet to pull it off, I'm usually more open when it's a new opportunity, which includes new time, (relatively) new place, and another (or new) status.
I mea....
I was about to say something, but I just figured out that when my skin problems (back acne.... Because puberty won't smack you in the face alone!) will dissapear and I'd finally get a reasonabe shape, from odd tween (when I think about body shape during teens, I think about the glitch-babies from Sims 3 with the crooked figures!?) to a reasonable sixteener to a young adult, if I'd still like it (probably would) and it'll fit me (hopefully yes, and if not, bit too large rather than way too small), I'd wear my incredibly gorgeous white dress that I bought from Hollister, and match it with the necklace with the dark-aqua gem pendant.
I just love that dress, I mean, it's so simple, and flowy!
It is perfect for people without flat/ almost flat/ concave bellies because it gets flowy from the boobs and down, and that kind of scares me, because the size I picked fits my body now, but I won't wear it until I can wear a teen bra, which means that I just need plenty of good genes and timing for it.
I might just order a new one.
To be honest, I think that it would be amazing to have it in more colours, just imagine how stunning it'll be!
Here's a photo:



It is almost identical, the only difference is that instead of lace, there's just another layer of thin cloth that has another texture.

I love it, and it'd just so perfect!
I mean, seriously, probably one of my prettier clothing pieces!

I'm going to bed, I'm trying to fix my biological clock!

5:15 AM

Well, I was simmng, trying to find a way to play without the game to crash, and now, to give myself some break, I’m watching another Dr Phil show, now it’s “My Schizophrenic Child” and the comments, well, I didn’t publish it, from fearing that people would pick on me, and I’m agreeing the opinion that it’s better to put her/him in a place where she’d get help, or give her help from home…. Her dog’s name is Honey.
I’m going to pretend that I’m not thinking about what I would say since I was six or seven, that they own me rights for the use of my name.
I’m hearing all the damn cars, and each time they speed up it sounds like a damn alarm, well, at least it’s better than the turbo-guy, what an asshole…
It’s really dumb to activate your turbo in a main street of a city, who also connects between two other cities, the road is not that big, and there is always traffic.

I’m probably going to draw now and watch, and when it’d be over, I’m going to sim and finish my sims, and obsessively save it, fearing that it’d crash.
Just for you to know, I’m planning an on-beach mansion, with really cool partition, I’m having a YA, T, and a dog (I’m not sure if big or small, but probably big, or maybe both!), so I’m making a very large base floor that is supported by these column-like base that you have with Island Paradise, and it will have a pretty large free place and gym (for my YA acrobat), and all kinds of stuff, I’m considering adding a butler, or a maid, well, like CAS-made one, with having a part job close to home, maybe in the graveyard or at the bookstore, or anything else that I can get in Sunlit Tides.

Okay, it’s almost nine PM, I finished watching Purge: Anarchy in a very low quality, and I might watch it again at the holidays of this year, my friend texted me that yesterday she went to wall climbing and such, you know, the “extreme” shit children do, like, the places who are actually aimed for children alone.
Anyway, now, she goes to a place named “Darkness” in Eilat, I checked the webpage (it came out on English because my keyboard was on English as I wrote it), and so far, the only thing that is frightening is their grammar.
“Hounted” instead of “Haunted”, and they even wrote “Gruge” instead of “Grudge”.
I just understand now why the “hasbara” (explaination of Israel and our side, usually during war) fails so miserably, I mean, we all look like uneducated apes.
And please, if you try to reason, at least know to spell what you’re saying, and if you can’t, go on simpler English, or to fucking Google Translate!
But come on, I don’t understand how come people didn’t notice that when they published the site!
It’s fucking pathetic!
I just can’t believe it!
I’m going to sim again, there’s nothing else I can possibly do.

I am hearing Ghost Town’s The After Party, and I’d probably continue with doing so until I’d be too attached and just start to want to cry when I’d heard it, which happened before, and it’s really awful, I don’t dare putting certain songs because I know that I shouldn’t because then I’d just hate myself more, and I’d rather to ignore myself as long as possible, because I’m such a whiny bitch.
I just can’t hear so many songs just because I’d feel like shit afterwards, there are some dubsteps (which are usually a bit of lyrics with plenty of cool electronic and computer-made noises) that I can’t, for example, Makes Me Ill is painful at different ways.
I just listen to Carnival and it makes me feel shit from time to time.
I just hate when it happens, this is why I’m going mad on myself for attaching to stuff.
At some point in the last two months, I just can’t listen to the music and ignore the lyrics, I’m unable to do so, at some point I just hear the lyrics and it’s irreversible

That also gets boring after a while, because you can’t listen to Farbs, Nathanael Schorder, Aylius, Starcom, Left Side Deaf, Skit, Deadmau5.
Shit starts to get boring after fifty times.

I was watching Mr Repizon, and I just got an advertisement for Obama is the devil by the Bible (I don’t say  Torah as the Jewish Bible –without the Christian addition- simply because Torah is only the first five books’ name, and it’s only a part of the whole book)  and all that bullshit said by many crazy people.
From some reason, I wanted to watch the Amnon Yitzhak videos, the debates with that damn rabbi.
And as in both Mr Repizon and the current debate I watch, they both mention soul.
And I would like to explain why am I using soul as the word for my personality, mentality, and my overall abstract being.
It’s simply because of translation.
I’m going for the example of mental illnesses, which is the first one who popped to my head, in Hebrew the word for “mental illness” is “soul illness”.
I have confused myself.

Okay, it’s three thirty four am now, in the last forty five minutes or so (probably more) I tried to make my second model for the 3d paper doll that I want to make.
At first , on my first version, I tried making it more ball-like, and I made that awful mistake and I tried using trapeziums as my main shape, it just ended up looking crooked with the thing that I want to draw on it, it might be useful for other stuff, but not my stuff, and now I have it near me.
So at my second attempt which took me three fourths of an hour, I made it having squares and rectangles, creating some weird prism-like shape.
It also has triangles in it.
At first I had no idea how to actually do it, I got plenty of sketches in my notebook, trying different stuff, trying to understand how the hell am I supposed to do it.
After a while, I decided that one idea seemed good, and I drew it on the size of 4*4  squares and 4*1.5 rectangles, having three squares and four rectangles, and I saw that I don’t have enough space left, and I got only one last page that is the same, so I decided to make a mini version, and it seemed right, but  I had to finish it and create the first end shape, it doesn’t have triangles, and it’s a fucking hell to stick together, but it looks right!
It’s not crooked and it’s more ball-like than the previous version!
When the rendering and gaming days were still in their diapers, people would consider it as a very bally ball!
At first, when I just thought about how I should do, and how I should design it, I thought about “oh! I should go to 3DS Max! I know how to flatten it and make it work!
And I tried installing my trial version, it had missing files that I would probably get tomorrow, so after it, I tried to get into plenty of online softwares for 3d modelling.
Only one was nice, but really nerve-wrecking as I couldn’t move the screen and view with a mouse drag.
That led me up using the trapeziums, and it failes, so I had to be creative, and it ended up creating my polygonal shape!
It has 26 polygons when finished if I calculated it correctly, anyway, I love it, and I think that I built it this way, remembering one of the first lessons, when we soft-edged the ends of a cube.

I just can’t believe I wasted so much time on making such a simple shape.
It was a pain in the ass to build and design for cutting, and maybe it was the think that took too long.
And the trying to draw it on 3d correctly (almost impossible for my unpractised hands), and then trying to draw it flattened, and then alter between the two, and translate a bit each time, until it happened.

Okay, that would make great stories if I’d ever do something involve at it.

I yawned now, how surprising, I think this night would be my very first white night, or not, I’m not sure, white nights are usually considered white nights when you’re awake for over twenty four hours straight, and I never managed to do so.
This means that if I want it to be a white night, I have to stay awake until twelve pm.
Not fun, and I’d probably won’t manage to do it as well.

I’m yawning non-stop.
I really want to start playing massively multiplayer online (maybe role-playing) game, which means that I just said MMORPG with fully understanding it!

I’m hungry…
What? How the hell is it four twenty seven now?!
Well, it makes sense now that I’m hungry, but I could have sworn that five minutes ago I was still talking about MMORPG.
I might go to sleep now; the latest hour that I slept in this summer was five.
I might break my record as I usually continue on my phone, it’s some sort of a casual teenage (and in my case, from the age of ten) bedtime ritual.

I am still wondering from time to time if you, the readers are people who try to learn about tweens (I’m thirteen who’s fascinated by teenagers and puberty but completely hates it, and I’m still sometimes say “I’m just a twelve year old girl who has no fucking clue about anything” even though that it’s irrelavent) or that you are legitimate tweens/teens who actually find it relatable and interesting.

Everything that I have to offer are hormones and distractive things.
That’s all.
And by the way, this is by iTunes is my most-listened song.

That’s really weird and has nothing to do with anything, but my arm hair (told you it is weird!) is really… well… weird; very thin, very black, very merging with my skin at times.
I wonder if it has a bit to do with lanugo (my relationship with such symptoms of a serious disorder is admiration), because I did have a bit of really weird almost-transparent hair on the place where sideburns are.
But maybe it has something to do with my really fucked up genes.
You know that if I’d call a laser hair-removal salon, and ask for an operation, they’d ask me about my race, and if I’d tell them the truth, which has the crucial Yemenite and Iraqi, they’ll deny me, because it simply doesn’t work on my type of skin.

It’s over five ten, and I’d probably stay awake for not so long, and I hope that I won’t have massive eye sacks, I don’t find myself fitting for them yet, I still need a greyer skin, and a bonier body or at least having less fat…. My body just had these weird spasms again, it always makes me feel funny, it’s weird and not supposed to happen.
 

Five fifteen am.

Dr Phil and Mythsong

This is me, at eleven fifteen pm, and I’m watching some Dr Phil.
I remember telling you how awful what he said to that anorexic, but to be honest, I was more in a hazy state, blinded by the words of after anorexics, but I truly am into the harsh painful truth, even though that I may disagree with many things that he says, but he’s right at enough stuff to make him worthy to listen to, and he hosts plenty of people with deep stories.
I’m watching “Dr Phil Moms Who Hate Their Own Children 12 November 2013”
But that whole decision is the evolution of my thought of “if I’d ever be unable to function well and become a strain on my family and rely on others for my whole life, I better end them.”
I assume that what I’m saying will sound cruel in so many levels that I would be bashed and hated over the internet and real life, that I am feeling unsafe for writing it.
I deleted it for safety reasons, I just really feel stressed about publishing these thoughts over the internet as I know that worse have happened, and I’d probably end up downing every medication of poisonous object we own, all mashed together in a horrendous juice through the mixer.
I just know that it would happen, and I’m afraid, to be honest, I’m occasionally thinking about deleting this blog and just starting with writing only in word, like a damn journal/diary that I bother to hate all the time.

I’ve opened more tabs with Dr Phil stuff, including “I wanna murder people”.
Since I haven’t watched it yet, I am going to tell you about my idea of murdering people.
I would probably suffer some mental issues if I would, but it would fade away with time and bodies, and it probably won’t happen, because, nope.
I would write unusual ways to murder and sets of murder scenes, and about all the things that you can do with dead bodies though.
Sounds like me.
A lot like me.
I’m constantly thinking about such things, if situation, how to make the best of it, which is super fun, it makes me break into new worlds of interesting things.
And I believe that I should probably have plenty of social circles (I don’t have plenty of close friends, but I do have a couple of rather large social circles and they’ll grow with time) only for doing plenty of the stuff that I’m planning to do.
This reminds me… I need a couple of paint spray bottles and paint respirators for one of the things that Shani and I want to do.
And I also need to have a list of places to do it, or maybe taking a jute sheet or a bed sheet, and just hang it.
He is a violent person.
The guy in the video has anger issues and is violent.
The most violent stuff that I do is probably accidentally to my siblings, sometimes really accidentally, sometimes I just didn’t mean it to hurt or damage that much.
And the most “frantically malicious” thing I did, was actually just a day or two ago, my brother flicked me, and as a revenge, I ran after him, obviously to lightly hurt him to show him that he cannot get away from it.
He ended up crying and acting like I do near roaches (I just repeat “I can’t do it” and feel deep fear and freak out and look for somebody to save me) for an hour.
I just laughed harder each time that he did one of the things; it was so funny in my eyes.
For now, this moment, I don’t really feel remorse for doing so, and I didn’t feel it earlier, all I did was being confused and interested on the fact that I caused him to feel this way near me.
I am mesmerised by that.

Oh, threating on your life if somebody wants to do something is just low.
I just hate these people, and I’d like to believe that if I’d encounter with such person, I’d be repulsed and feel hateful enough towards the person to understand that I’d better do what I want to do.
I don’t think that you can even consider doing giving into the manipulative people, as that is just agreeing to be in an abusive relationship for free.

My phone alerted me, I got a text message from  Dabush, I assume that he tried his luck with Yael and now he’s coming to me, hoping that I’d allow him to make me want to hear him, even though that he is such a dick.
Last night, he just didn’t stop with lying, I asked him if it’s pathologic lying or that he can control it, he said pathologic, not only that I don’t believe him, I also don’t believe that he knows the meaning of the disorder.
And he said spoilers with lies, and he said many other lies that just annoyed me.
I am not going to answer him.
I’m going to let him eat his words, and fucking suffer through it, even though he’d probably won’t feel much about it.
I don’t know from time to time why I’m friends with him, or why I’m friends with anyone, as I know that I can probably live while being shut to close social areas, and live more on the world, which means disposing my blog, and moving into Tumblr or YouTube.
I don’t know if I actually want to keep on blogging in blogger anymore, as much as it’s simple, I’m actually considering going into the wild and going to Tumblr.
Which would be really weird for me to start out there, as it offers less support.
In Blogger, you know how many people watch you, there? You don’t.
I am telling you that I’m not sure if I can handle being on Tumblr, but I am considering going there.
I don’t know why, but I think that I’d just grow there, but when  I believe that I’d grow there, I also want to let you know about everything.

I was drawing, and I made some really weird characters and scenarios, not the best quality, not the prettiest, but definitely a beginning.
At first, I really wanted to draw something, I wanted to draw a horned creature, cleaning their horn, which is screwed out of their head, I tried with a demon like creature, I wasn’t satisfied, and I tried to do it with a goat, or a bighorn sheep, it’s a weird combo.
The other things that fill up the page, are characters, human body, an emoticon or a facial expression like this in a ball as a face.
The main three is a plain smiley face, another is with a tongue out, and another is having the comedy-tragedy face. The smiley wears a plain t-shirt and the classic heart boxers, the tongue out wears a dress shirt and a bowtie, with knee high socks, no pants, and the comedy tragedy, he wears a muscle tee and a baggy knee length jeans with tightened and folded ending.
I made another two, females, who I am unsure of actually using them, well, maybe, a combination of them. One has heart eyes, no mouth, and she wears a crop top tank top and Aladdin pants, her hair tied up, the other, well, she has the ex-eyes, two loose pigtails and bangs, like a doll, and I really hate the dress I drew her.
I’m thinking about combining the two.
Oh, I forgot to name the weapons, smiley doesn’t have one that I drew, I’m considering a dagger or a butcher knife, but maybe not at all, tongue-faced has a shotgun, and C/T has a pistol, the girls, one has a pistol as well, and the other girl has a bomb that she bounces in her hand.
I drew in another page a girl lying leisurely on a snail, and one thing that I’m really proud of because I always liked that kind of fantasy style, I drew a turtle with a city on the shell.

Anyway, I am watching all kinds of videos; I’m probably going to climb to bed and be on my phone, and who the fuck knows.
I got less than fifteen days until school begins.
The last two weeks will probably be the most straining for me, as I’d go nuts, I’d probably have bad time trying to stay asleep during the night because of the stress of not making the homework, and overall “excitement”, and I’d just wish to stay home, and I’d probably be a bit scared and confused when it comes to buying notebooks, as last year, each teacher had her own special requirements after the beginning of the school year and we just had to throw away some notebooks, and it was fucking pathetic that we all had to buy a three subject notebook even though we barely wrote, and we just had around five pages on one of the subjects, and the other ones were filled in each their own semester.
I assume that I’d go like I did, doing the minimum necessary, because I bought it, and you won’t make me overpay for your special requirements, you’re a teacher, not classified to be important enough of strong enough to inflict damage or cause me fear you for that damn thing.
I’m going to grab that notebook, I will use it, don’t tell me that you don’t like, I don’t care, and since I saw how you taught others, I clearly see that you don’t care either, and I’m just going to use common sense and extreme frustration during tests, but still remain honest to myself.

I feel like every teacher hates me for being who I am.
I will not bow to their wants.
They never care and/or understand the problem in being in another school during the year and not having the ability to make up homework from one day to another, and they won’t understand either the fact that if you only talk and read from the book during the lesson I won’t learn anything because I’m not there.
I just hate their illogical standards, the other guy in that class that in this program as well is beyond everything that I’d do.
He goes to study math with an age group above him, he is incredibly smart, he’s a genius, I look like an ungrateful muddy shoe near him, while he’s the glamorous stiletto.
And yes, I just gave you a show metaphor.
I just don’t understand that stereotyping, he and I are very different, attitude, physical skills, mental skills, probably emotional skills as well, so yes, he is better than me in almost everything (I’m still going to win when it comes to pain, if I’d ever give birth, I plan to do give birth as carrying a baby for people who cannot, if it’d still matter when my time will come), but how dare you to degrade him and compare him to me?
I’m just learning quickly and I use plenty of common sense, and maybe a bit of visualising, which is a trait I got from my father, and it usually reacted to fucking bugs, even though that it’s really useful with other stuff.

To be honest, I have no idea what the hell happened that people believed I actually belongs in some places, the sport class, well, it certainly didn’t need me, and I’m fully aware of it, I sort of got a scar that says “Was at the on-hold line and then made it to here” and it sucks, because it means that you wasn’t necessary, I’m usually being amusing for the other ones, and just being that fat kid in it so their name won’t be stained with the underweight girls (almost everyone is underweight, and the girls comparing their BMI, it’s not that I don’t do it, but I don’t shove it into others’ faces!).
I have no idea how I got into the ram program.
I have no idea how the fuck did I even have everything I have,
From the moment of my birth, I should’ve died, and I would have if hospitals didn’t exist.

I need to cut my nails already, if that once used to be good for applying nail polish, well it doesn’t now, and even though that I can’t stand them being extremely short (I just can’t clean their underside when they are too short) I can’t dealing with having them at that length, I just fear right now that it’d be ripped off.

I was playing AQW today, I really need to finish this stupid Mytshong chaos lord stuff, I defeated finale chaotic Kimberly for three times, and it said that it cannot save my progress as some quests were missing!
The hell?!
I just need to finish it already!

Oh well, I’m going to bed, sorry for not posting a lot lately, it’s two thirty four.
I checked the views, so a welcoming hello to the new Pakistanis and Romanians, all I know about the cultures are actually that British movie about the "Pakis" that lived in England, and the oldest son was gay, and the other were rebelling against the Islam, and the younger brother attempted at circumcising himself, and the Romanians, well I know that mistaken version "In Rome act like a Romanian" which has the stigma of Romanians being thieves, and I know that a couple of guys from your land like to get drunk and mosh around to the music of folk-rock, and allowing a thirteen year old boy with the physical development of a nine year old to mosh with you.

19

This morning I was woken up by my mother, telling me that my grandmother arrived, I stayed in bed; awake, for over two hours, just to think about what to do with my thighs, and just being a disappointment to everyone.

I just got to tell you this exciting thing about the Sims, I played Indie, because I know that there are all the good music (Lady Anterblum,  Fun., My Chemical Romance..), and suddenly (*dramatic music*) I heard something that was very familiar! It was “It’s not your Fault” of AWOILNATION!

That’s pretty epic to just sit and sim along, and suddenly, badabing-badabam music!

I also wanted to say, that last night, after that pathetic scratching with a rubber band, I went on my bed, and just lied down, and started laughing.
I just started laughing.
And I don’t know why, I don’t know if it’s the laughter from embarrassment, or because everything here is so weird and dumb that it’s laughable.

Anyway, I’m going to sim along, and just forget as much as possible, and then whine because I got less than nineteen days until school.

Okay, it’s almost eleven pm now, and I’m going to write something that I’ve noticed now.
The media part of the war between Gaza to Israel is not only in the news and social networks.
It’s also in music, and I’m not talking about people who don’t perform in Israel, or boycott it, or go to perform in Syria but not in Israel.
I mean that people make songs, the Hamas made a song “Attack! Carry out terror strikes!” and it became very trendy in Israel. Yes, it became trendy, Israelis make acoustic versions, put the tunes to The Lion’s King scenes, and they made a smurfy parody.
An acappella version? SO GREAT.
It is so weird, I’m going to check the international media’s reaction, because in that song, it is clearly admitted that Hamas is a terror organisation, and still, the US tells Israel to consider Hamas as a legit political organisation, and the main response by Israelis was Why don’t you consider Al-Qaida as a political organisation as well? Because that’s madness.
It may sound insensitive, but 9/11 was such a big thing only because it shocked the entire world, as the US was considered such a safe place, in the other hand, if it’d happen in Israel, people would react, but they won’t be that surprised, because this stuff happens all the time.
There’s a memorial stone outside of Dizingof Center (yeah, that mall) dedicated to all of the ones who were murdered in the crosswalk near it, by a suicide bomber, there were so many cases of suicide bombers on busses, for an example that I got from my teacher for Arabic, is once, her friend was on a bus on her way home, a couple of Jews and Muslims were on, and at some point, she noticed a muslim man, saying to the other muslim people that were on something in Arabic, he said to them to get off, the friend got off too if I remember correctly, after a hundre meters or so, the bus exploded, guess what happened.
It happened in cafés, and every memorial day, on the TV you hear the stories.
One Passover, a teenage girl went to the café (I think that she went to work there or that she met up with friends there), and there was a suicide bomber, she obviously died.
And I’m just giving you what I remember right now.
Just recently two attacks occurred in Jerusalem.
Oh, I almost forgot the fact that in every parade or a mass gathering there are police officers waiting outside near the gates that are there, just to make sure that nobody who will harm people have the ability to get in.

Fuck, the media doesn’t give a damn about what happens in Israel.
From some reason, I think about the idea to attack the hospital, it was said before, because that the Hamas shot missiles from there (that’s just low, even for a terror organisation.)
You know, in that war, the only people who I feel sympathic for, are the people who didn’t vote for Hamas, the children who are suffering their parent’s choices, and everybody who’s chose the peace way rather than choosing the one that literally had the idea of eliminating Israel in it’s platform.

Sometimes I’m surprised that in Europe and the Americas, and in Aussie (I call it this way because it’s fucking adorable) nobody talks a lot about the Gaza-Israel war, but that makes sense, if I wasn’t from Israel, then I’d probably have no idea about it from or the media won’t talk, and the other, is because I’d just rather avoid war.
I kind of got distracted by some mating animal outside, or was it just a screaming parrot?

Okay, oh fuck, it’s painful, my tooth!
Why is it so damn painful?!
If it’s supposed to fall, why won’t it just fall? Why does it have to involve blood, and cuts, and loose nerves? Why?
What’s the fucking point; explain me, in which part of the evolution it was fucking necessary?!
The nerve could’ve just died and the tooth would be loose and then all you got to do is to pluck it off.
But nope, just like many other things, it just has to hurt.

The fact that it’s still attached in the back left drives me crazy, I’m now trying to turn it counter clockwise, and it’s so damn painful, earlier I just stopped from the pain, but now I just don’t care, I seriously don’t care.
Fuck it’s annoying, and the fact that I have to swallow every couple of minutes, and it just means that I have to leave the tooth in the same awkward position, and just try to suck in air and make the saliva go with it.
I really hate how sharp and saw-like my teeth are at the base of them, it’s so fucking annoying.

In other news, as I checked for new videos from a YouTuber, and I just burped for like six times in a row with these small weird type of burps, you know what I mean?
It’s just another thing that I do all the time.

Well, it’s one twenty two am, I’m going to climb to bed and watch anything that I find interesting, which reminds me that I recorded some new movies, including Dark Shadows that I have watched around three times, just because it’s that good.
Oh well, good night, I hope that tomorrow evening the damn tooth would fall, because I don’t have the strength to deal with it on my period, my body would just get sensitive as every other period, and I’m going to suffer twice as much.
Just for you to know, the scratchers broke the top layer of the skin, so I have on some thin red lines that are probably from red blood cells, trying to heal and protect the wound.

Twenty to Go

I’m hungry.
These words will begin my post as now it is the seventh of the most, and probably in twenty days from now, I’d return to school, only to write this sentence over and over, like if I’d do so, the hunger will leave me.
I haven’t eaten a thing in over twelve hours, and it’d be delightful to put something in my mouth, but I got nothing to eat in this house anyway.
I assume that I’m just going to sit here and whine until I get my food; very mature indeed.

I feel very awkward for doing so, I was on MPA, and reading all sort of stuff, starting with the one about “I saw a dead person”, then going into some weird “Fat Activist,  Transfatphobic?,” and finishing now at “dead members.” which is probably a thought that everybody had at some point in this website.
I assumed that on… I FORGOT. Fuck.
I’m going to leave “dead members.” As this topic is not very nice to handle.
Instead I’m returning to the wonderful fat activist one, because I have already read it, but I still got to get some more information, I’m going to give you the link for the actual blog of the fat activist, and not the MPA thread about it, I assume you can go to MPA if you’d like, but I’d rather that you won’t ever have the urge to go there.
It’s called http://x-trung.tumblr.com and it’s bizarre as hell!
I was reading the post with the peanut butter and chocolate chip one, and that’s all the details you’ll get in this paragraph because you’d be shocked by what she wrote!
I’m mesmerised by the amount of nonsense in this blog.
It makes me feel normal.
Half of the terms there I don’t understand, and I think I’m afraid of knowing what they actually mean.
I assume that half of it will lead me to some weird porn websites and even weirder religious or supernatural-believers pages.
It happened once with a vampire Wikipedia, in the other side, I learned how to sweeten my feeder’s blood!

Well, I assume that you read that peanut better post, and I just want to tell you that I’ll just never get to this amount of weird.
I’m very accepting to that sort of stuff, and I’m usually open minded and just brush everything off with “whatever floats your boat.”
But I assume that this combination of self-identification and things is even too much for me.
This is way beyond what I can contain.

 I’m just confused by how complex it is.
She (I think that it’s a she) claims to be “cisgendered white female”, which just means that she’s a female and never felt any transsexual experiences, for example, she never questioned if she was maybe just accidentally born as a female, which is pretty amazing, I always thought that I was supposed to be a male, because of my behaviour, my choice of friends, the difference between me and my other more-cis (I’m using this now… Oh…) friends, and the fact that my mother had a special dietary meals for having a female baby.
Anyway, let’s go on, “tortoisekin” I have found plenty of that in-my-previous-life-form-I-was-a-XYZ, and it’s still a bit weird in the way that she has it, it’s my first time ever seeing something such as her, and it reminds me of the Druze beliefs, and just somebody who tripped too hard in their last spiritual time in India.
She’s also disabled as she says, I wonder what does that mean, like, born disability, something she got after some injury, mental disability, or maybe it’s just a new spiritual thing.
She’s a singlet, which is a new thing for me, and I’m fairly confused by it, it has something to do with chemistry and I can’t even process this information without learning every aspect of chemistry and physics now, so, nope.
She’s a gainer, which is for me, one of the most sickening eating behaviours I have seen, which I pretty much gorging yourself until you’re morbidly obese, and I honestly think that they wouldn’t stop until they’ll die from this mental illness.
She’s a vegan, and a feminist, and they just go together in the new “I’m unique” sort of thing, and I just hate feminists, and chauvinists, so, it just pisses me off.
She’s a fat activist, which she’s the kind of skinny-bashing type, and not self-acceptance and self-love without forcing it on others, she’s just the regular anti-everything-playing-the-victim-forcer type.
She’s pansexual, which is basically alright with me, as I find it lovely and I truly have no idea what is my sexual orientation, but I’d like to believe that I could love anybody just because of its personality.
She’s demiplatonic, which just means that she’s friends only with people she likes, and that makes me hate her only because of her extremely useless use of words! You can just say that you’re friends because of that you truly like them, instead of putting this stupid word in!
And she’s also “aromantic” and “asensual”, which I googled and I found it to be a person who doesn’t experience any romantic or sensual things.
Which is okay, sounds like me, but the difference between us is ten fucking years.
She likes all kinds of things, also human/animal/human-animal-rights.
And she’s “Just your average queer, fat, vegan tortoise trying to discover herself.”  Because I totally have plenty of friends that are queer fat vegan and tortoises (!) and you’re completely average.
For fucks sake, the internet is insane.
But that’s just what Jenn is!
She is even weirder.
Oh, she had BPD, that sucks, and it has to be weird if you live with a person who practically just wants to eat every fucking thing.

Well I was reading about her answer if she respects even less developed or other types of animals as well, and she does.
Am I the only one who is okay with almost everything unless I’m starting to get panic attacks while they are near?
I have no problems with ants (I had a fucking pet ant), caterpillars, bees, and all of the non-scary bugs (butterflies, ladybugs, and all of their fellow bugs are terrifying), I have no problem with other animal groups who are considered to be less developed, such as spiders (they eat all of the scary bugs), and mice, and probably more that I forgot about.

In other stuff before I’m becoming brain-dead because of this blog, I haven’t eaten for quite a while, makes me slightly proud to be honest, the hunger disappeared, so I hope that some fat tissue is just being destroyed to supply energy, and it makes me want to run in my room now, but my sister is asleep and I’ve done enough when my parents called me on Facetime even though that they can’t hear a damn word and I just feel guilty and rude for waking her up with yelling “Three! The ones you showed me! Three!” endlessly.

Societal cancer?! Okay, I just… ughh.. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
Am I a societal cancer just because I don’t believe in such?
That sounds cruel.
Societal cancer is for me people who force their beliefs on you, and actually controlling everything you do simply because they exist.
This pretty much sounds like the different ministers. (Which some are really awful, the education system minister is basically a rude-religious-homophobic-man that from some reason, was elected.)

There’s a very large part of me that just wants me to slap myself, I have no idea why, all I can come up with is that it might wake me up from this surreal nightmare of this internet place.
Maybe because I had such phase earlier, and I’m truly ashamed of this bizarre bullshit I went through, my only apologetic excuse is: “puberty”.

So many of Jenn’s characters are vegan or vegetarian (or a fucking breatherian) and bulimic.

I’m just going to look for the book that looked really cool in Italy.
All I remember was that the book had a black cover, a deep-dark blue pupil, and it was written by Frank Sch-something and I assume that the category is a romance novel by the fact that it had the word “romance” beneath it, other than that, I have no idea.
I have failed and now I’m going to look for “Hydrogen” and “Scorpion Bay” which are probably TV programs who are trending in Italy.
And I can’t find them.
Two options, or that Italy is completely disconnected from the outer world, or that what I saw wasn’t real.

I was eating cereal (because of weird emotional eating, I blame it on the thing that was aid to me, and how hard I took it.) and I understood why I felt like my gums were bleeding while chewing!
My tooth is about to fall! And the blood was from my gum being cut over and over by the sharp edge of the tooth!
I’m trying to remove it, but it’s stuck between a couple of very tight teeth, which makes me think how odd and annoying my jaw is, because the front of my teeth were always more loose and had slightly more space, and the behind area was very tight, now it’s a bit less loose, because I have actual teeth instead of baby teeth, and when I had my front teeth as baby teeth, there was a huge gap and people constantly asked me if one of my teeth fell, which just hurt my feelings more, because not only that I’m so unevolved that my teeth aren’t falling, it’s that my jaw is disproportionate as well.
Each time that I move this tooth it just makes a weird and funny squeaky sound.

Well, I just discovered that downloading games can sometimes contain viruses that will just can make a great beginning to a game creepypasta.

How can I reject somebody gently when he asks you if you want to meet together?
I just feel really anxious about it, I know that I literally has no reason to not trust him, and to be frank (I have problem with using this word as it brings memories of people who hate me, and be cruel to me) about it, I think that I just don’t trust myself to not emotionally damage him.
I just done it to so many people before and I just don’t want to ever do it again.
I remember that time where I promised myself to never invite people again, and avoid going to another’s as much as possible; it was when Keren came to my place, and it was very hard for me to entertain her, and I just suffered for the whole while, so I remember writing in my phone’s notes that I shall never invite a friend again.
And ever since that moment it was practically my truth unless the situation can have consequences that I consider as worse.

For me, it’s truly awful to just sit there, looking at them, have nothing to do to please them, and just go through the nerve-wrecking thoughts, varying from them, thinking I’m a boring, worthless, and useless person, to how passionate their hate to me is, and I also have the how awful I am for doing this and that, and it also goes through that how horrendous I look and how pathetic I truly am.
But I still have a small amount of people that I can go to, and feel somewhat safe, but I’ll have hard time at letting them come in.
It’s something can just be really awful for me at some times, but usually it’s alright, as I don’t think about 24/7, I just know that this is something that I can do and that’s life.
I’m trying to think this way as much as possible, it’s healthier in my opinion, “this is how it is, and you’ll better accept it.” Which looks like a pessimistic point of view as of the part “it is how it is and it won’t change” but it’s really rewarding after you understand how true that sentence is and experience it, as I know that I could’ve been much worse, to be honest, I quite miss to see that I’m in a far better state than what I think I am, I’m trying to jokingly hint my parents that I need to panic and anxiety attacks recovery program like I had two or three years ago, last time at some point I just couldn’t take it seriously, the therapists tried their best with me, but they were more scared than me, it was really weird and they didn’t soothe me, at some point I told them to relax because it’s not that bad, and that was just weird.
Maybe it’s just me being a rather calm person, but that’s because I’m taking everything seriously and not seriously at the same time, so even when I’m anxious I can be pretty alright, same with panic attacks, only when I’m overwhelmed by the shock and I’m in the fight or flee situation, it’s awful, only then, and it makes me to just suffer a lot, but after a while it gets less and less effective until I just couldn’t care less.
It happened with the roach near my bicycle, I’m starting to stiff up and have hard time swallowing (I just feel bugs are in my mouth while I’m seeing them), but, at first it was really panicking and just chanting “look up; think happy; look up; think happy” while walking back and forth and looking at the ceiling, and after a while I understood that I can’t do anything else, and I chose “fight”, I just looked up while unlocking my bike, and looking up as I moved them out, and look up all the time, it was this way for around a month and a half, with checking every week and a half for the roach if it’s still there.

Okay, now I’m really proud of myself for doing so, I don’t think I never spoke about the situation as one of my most important development stages in getting over that stupid irrational fear.
I remember my dad suggesting the exposure treatment, I refused it, obviously. When people tell you that you’re going to stay in one room with your biggest fear ever, that just makes you want to cry and scream and die and afterwards you just beat yourself up for being such a loser and a coward,  then you’d probably be more afraid by this situation, but the fact that I accidentally had it, just makes me happy.

I kind of lost my point because in the middle of it I walked to the kitchen to put my cup in it’s place, and then ta-da! Memories of The  Rake came and I just started to have something between a hop to a run sort of walk to my room.

And then I looked for some relief in the Internet, and I ended up in the video about the thirteen year old boy who got an adult woman pregnant, and then one commenter had a really good point so I looked in, hoping to find that he makes videos and I just can enjoy it, but he didn’t, all I got is his liked videos, and I saw something named Andy Biersack talking about broken ribs, and then I started thinking about that really weird and cool TV program I used to watch with my mother and sister that included a man (probably an anthropologist) learning about a tribe’s culture, and once there was some sort of a wrestling sort of thing, and he ended up getting his ribs broken and all of the other “nice” things.
Now I’m just in Exploding Heart Disorder of Fearless Vampire Killers (in my head I say it in my best version of English accent from some unknown reason), and I was looking in the comments, because I just know that everything is in the comments, and Frank Iero commented and at first I was like “how active is he in YouTube? Am I the only one who’s amazed?” and maybe it’s just because that in Israel, it’s or that it’s not a big thing, or that it’s usually just a celebrity cat-fight.
And when I mean that it’s not a big thing, is because that you probably knew/know your favourite artist and you didn’t even realize it, or that another much loved artist was the neighbour of your friend.
By the way, the comment was that they should make a Disney movie and do something that I forgot because I want to talk about another thing.

It’s the magic in being in Israel, I believe that somebody should make a recent parody for the Iraeli song “Only in Israel”, which there they list all kinds of things that just happen here, and only here.
I made a parody of it, including all the horrendous stuff in it, and I think that I should once finish it, and have the ending as a begging-pleading part to just others to come to Israel and don’t leave, and that’d be great.
I also made a parody for a Festigal song, instead of the Fantasy land and plot, there was Syria, and the revolution against the president, my sister and I sang it at random times for over a year.
And a one for a song that talks about all the endless options of things you can do in the summer break (the summer theme song before Phineas and Ferb) including all the rude and mean things we went through the summer break, all of the us (siblings) know this song by heart. Mostly because it was just two sentence long because it’s really hard to make such things rhyme.

I’m hearing airplanes taking off in my head and alarms and the Iron Dome rocketing to save me.
That doesn’t even gives me panic attacks anymore, it’s just annoys me that I have these sounds in my head.

Fuck, the bleeding cut gum hurts me and annoys me, and the damn tooth just won’t fall off.
I feel it cutting through the flesh, and I can taste my bare flesh mixed with my blood, it tastes coppery, not salty, nor sweet, just like sticking a metallic necklace to you mouth and sucking on it until somebody sees you.

THEY ARE EXTREMLY LOUD, WHAT THE HELL?!

A bunch of super-loud guys just yelled near my house, they walked away now, but in difference from before, these weren’t teenagers, they didn’t have the voice of, they were probably over eighteen, but not more than twenty four.

Oh, the US have attacked Iraq? Please tell us more about war crimes, civil causalities, and all of the things that we do wrong with the enemies who’s agenda is to kill us, and they are just near us, having tunnels that get inside our land, but you? You’re completely alright, you and the country that’s few kilometres away, and to be honest, that’s just a mad world we live in.
Five minutes ago I made a caricature of America and Russia pointing on Israel while Palestine is lying on the floor with a large red mark and near it a ketchup bottle, while America and Russia scream “War Crimes!” and near them *forgets Iraq* and *forgets Kiev*, which just now proves it’s point.
If the third war world is coming to its beginning, then I need to pack on pencil leads, mechanical pencils, and plenty of notebooks and pens, so having a good stuff to do on the meanwhile.
To be completely honest, I believe that I’d probably die in it, I won’t be a heroic survivor (or a survivor at all), and I won’t be a heroic victim and a symbol for that revolution, I’d just be another corpse that needs to be burnt along with the other corpses, because of the speed of infections from the biochemical weaponry, I’d just be another number that will be a part of the list of the deaths in Israel, or who knows, the new name of what it’ll become at that time.

That tooth is very painful when it’s just lightly touching the wound, but when I shove it in, so it’d be easier to make it fall, there’s just an itch in the wounded area.

I just want to it to fall off.

I think I should probably go and grab my shoes and replace the lace, but I’m really lazy and I don’t want to do anything but to sit now.

Okay, I’m watching “What Every 8^th Grade Girl Needs To Hear” now, and I just want to keep listening to him.
I guess that if everybody was so positive about me, I’d feel like I’m heartlessly deceiving them, and they are sure that I’m overall good and nice and cool and confident and just I know that it’s a one big lie, because I’m mean, I’m cruel, I’m rude, I’m offensive, I’m not allowing myself to cry because it’s the only way for me to believe that I am strong because I fucking hate myself when I’m emotional and/or sensitive, I lack self-control, and I’m somewhere between incredibly calm to be very anxious by my scale, I constantly hate myself, the only reason that I joke about myself and tell all of the awful and disgusting and weird things is because I just want everyone to stay away from me because I’m that awful and I don’t want to hurt them, I want them to voluntarily  leave me.
Many of the things that he said I truly believe and preach in this very blog.
I fucking love this man.

To be honest, one of the reason that I actually want to have sex by fourteen, is because inserting a tampon is fucking hard and if the same hole will be extended by another object, it’d be easier, I’m truly looking for the joy in inserting a tampon and for once not feeling stared at while wearing leggings or going to the beach or anything.

It was really weird that a minute or so before he said that we still hurt ourselves (and starve and all of the things that I’m doing to myself just to for once accept myself and proof everybody wrong), I took a hair tie that has some glue with a sharp point on it, and just scratched the back of my hand.
How awkward things can be…
Now I got two weird marks that seem to rise a bit above the skin.
But it’s just a small tiny scratch.

I just want to harm myself now for my past mistakes, because I was a seriously dumb eight year old, being a petty for everyone, and now I just want to kill myself, hell, shame was something that coated my name since the second grade, because  I seriously messed up my life, before puberty even started.
I’d forever carry it with me, forever, and it’d never leave me, but that’s something I did, and I’d better accept it, even though that it’s hard, and it’s a burning pain to just think of how bad it affected on me, but I just can’t turn the wheel back, I’d forever hate myself for willingly doing so, from sheer stupidity.
Sometimes I just can’t believe myself for doing such awful thing, and I clearly remember my first step for the disastrous movie I called my premature sex and love life.
I just want to hang myself by the thought.
So much shame that I just don’t understand, how could I be so stupid?
And it’s not that it’s his fault, not ever fucking close he said that he loves me, and just like the fool that I am, I believed in it, too many fairy tales and other lovely things that I got read to, and I just believed that this is what I needed in my life, and I got it in less than eight years of staying alive.
I just can’t stand myself for doing so, and I have no way to ever do anything about it, too shameful, because I did it, I  wasn’t forced and I didn’t do it unwillingly, I chose it. I DID. It was my fault to begin with, and that’s how it is.
It’s just lame, and I know that it would be very hard for me to find some support, because who else has a relationship at the age of seven and a half, containing making out and nude grinding, being sure that this is love? Who does that?
Nobody.
Because nobody is stupid enough to be so.
I’m apparently in a whole new level when it comes to stupidity.
The support net I would like to find, will be equal to looking for rape victims who actually wanted that scarring sexual activity at such a young age.
And that’s? That’s just offensive.
Don’t you agree? That’s the most offensive thing to such community.
And I just shouldn’t even look for support, I don’t deserve it.
I have no self-respect, and I didn’t earn the right to have support.
I’m equal to a roach.
The same roach that I despise so much.
The same roach that I’d wish to die.
The same roach that I can’t look at without starting to be completely hateful towards anything, simply because that it exists.
The same roach that’s filthy.
But in difference from this roach, this roach didn’t pick his life, he had no decisions, but I did.

I assume that I just screwed myself up in that day.
Forever.

And I don’t believe that I’d be able to say it to people, simply because, I can’t trust them to not tell it to everyone.
And I assume that it’d just be better if I’d walk to where the balcony used to be, dress up in my beautiful white dress, braid my hair, and just fall down to my death, inspired by the suicide of an anorexic teenager who committed suicide on the birthday of her young brother.
Just that today, it’s not a birthday, and I’m not anorexic, and hell, I’m not even a teenager.
And I’m literally about to cry only by the thought of seriously taking my life, as I realize once again that I completely fucked up and that I have no real reason to keep on living in such pain.
But that wouldn’t happen.
Because I’m such a coward.
And tomorrow I’d probably do that again.

And yes, maybe I’m being hormonal.
But that’s the hard, harsh, and my one and only true past.

I just hate myself.
And I can’t stand myself, so I lie to myself.
Happy by day, myself by night.
And it’s not that I’m not happy, I am, but sometimes, everything about truth attacks me, and I come to the realisation that I’m a pathetic, and worthless human being.

All of my mistakes.

All of my wrongs.

All of the things I’ve said.

All of the things I’ve heard.

All of the things that I’ve done.

Everything.

And the fact that I’m still alive sometimes repulses me.
I feel so much disdain towards my cowardly acts, and my avoiding of who I am and what I just think that it’s right to do, that it makes me ill.

The fact that I think that I actually matter enough to not just go to the local pharmacy or hardware store and buy some decent razors, is awful as well. Because I need to destroy myself, I need to, and I deserve such pain, such punishment, and I might be worthy enough to live shamelessly if I’d manage to be repulsive with scarred body, and if the pain in the outside will be finally equal to the inside.
Maybe then… but just maybe.

I feel now that all I need to do now is to take the razors from my altered end table, and just hold it in my hand, breathe deeply and just cut fast and hard my wrist, my thighs, my ankles, my stomach, my ribs, my shoulders, my neck.
Just to see blood pouring out from my body, and just fainting from blood loss in my bed, maybe die, maybe be sent to the ER, maybe just wake up in a pool of my own blood that starts to smell.
But that, once again, wouldn’t happen, because I’m a coward.

What a shame that these are my thoughts at three thirty five AM.

I feel hopeless.
I swear to you, that my chest just sunken and I felt vacant.
Because I’m out of hope now, and I just can’t handle it.
I feel likes there’s no future for me, and to be honest, I always hoped that I’d just die from a car crash before I’d have to breed.
And sometimes I hope that my blood and alcohol eighteenth celebration would be the end of me as well.
And sometimes, I hope that one time, a driver in a hurry will run over me, just in the spot to kill me, because if not dead, I’d become disabled and a burden.

I’m going to wish for a missile to be missed out and to kill me alone while the rest of my family is somewhere else.

And I can’t change my facial expression right now, I just frown, and it’s heavy to me, and it hurts, and if I’d move it to something else, I might just start crying, and I’m trying to keep a straight face, but it’s hard, it’s physically painful to me.

I truly hate these Duphaston that I’m taking, it makes me hate life. 
That dydrogesterone have only ruined me.

I don’t even mind being infertile.
I just want to destroy myself.

I think that I’m starting to feel a euphoric aftermath of these words now.
And here it is, I’m still rocking back and forth, but I’m not feeling the overwhelming guilt and shame.

Nope, it just left me and I don’t feel anything.
But that’s better, this numbness is  a lot better than this pain.

I notice once again that the time is passing, and in less than twenty days, my self-destructive behaviour will start again it’s cycle.
And I’d just won’t feel a lot of the time, and when people would ask me to smile, I would give them the obviously faked one.

I just scratched myself more, adding more to my forearm, and on my thigh.

I’m pathetic, irrelevant, stupid, guilty, ashamed, and deserves to be punished with pain.
Good night guys, tomorrow I’d have this incredible cycle of horror again.
It’s four am.