I miss you.

Well, emotional eating day...
Crap, fuck, and/or shit, are appropriate words.
And guess what made the emotional eating even worse?
That Ii got even more emotional...
Look, I don't really have everyday feelings or emotions, but depression, anxiety, stress, suicidal, yes, obviously every time I have it, around my mother it doubles and even triples the feeling.
It's pretty much like shooting me.
Emotional abusing for emotionless people are pretty much deadly as thousand knifes aimed to your heart.
So am I happy?
No, not at all...
I'd rather burn myself...
Or maybe just cut myself again...
I would, but taking off my clothes, glaring at my body, or giving me an order to show her my wrists, making it impossible...
I won't mind if I had those boring adult psychologists, that just talk on and on, listen again and again, sometimes telling me to do something, nothing more.
BUT HER!
The insane lady that forcing me to do arts and sports in front of her, no fucking way I'm going back to there, she's just ugh!
I want to fucking kill myself, really, thinking how fast I can drink to paints before she'll notice/
I hate doing those.
It's killing me to do it, another ink shape on paper, and another small sketch that is nothing to me, but she's like the goddamn stupid literature teachers, the find useless meaning on meaningless thing!  I draw something that only I can understand, means a world to me, and she skips on it...
Please, pretty please, kill me...
It's less painful anyway...
Than staying alive.
On hell...


I don't want to breath.
I don't want to.
That's it.
I'm sick of living.
I had enough.
I can't make my problems disappear.
I can't fucking do something.
I hate being under aged.
Just nine more years and I'm free to live from this country.
Take a flight of 12 hours, to America.
Live there.
Be there.
I just want to destroy every single thing here.
All of this.
Syria with it's problems, that sirens all around Israel, missiles, store lifting, police and ambulance...
Gun shots, explosions, screaming, music, traffic, and another news issue, telling this week's tragedy...
I'm sorry, I don't call it life.
How can you call it life?
Emily from Corpse Bride was more alive!

I want to die.
I just hate it all, so much...

What's the point now of living?
Too many reasons to die against few to live...
Some that I used to write for "live" disappeared, and some of them went to "die".
I used to write that it would hurt my friends, but why am I bothering lying to myself, it's not that I'm actually their friend, they hate me, they rather to see me dead, I'm another number for them.
I used to write that it would hurt my parents, but why am I bothering lying to myself, I hate my mom
(and she hates me too), my dad is barely around, I'm just another needy living object.
I used to write for you, but how am I supposed to know you're real? maybe the statics I've got are only from agents around the world, and I'm nothing?
I used to write that I'd be a waste, but why am I bothering lying to myself, I'm nothing, worthless, just another thing that you must pay for...

Why do I have to cry?
Why do I have to feel like that?
Everyday...

I have nobody...
The only one that actually I was happy with, is so far away, she's probably hates me.
She was the best thing that ever happened to me.
And she went away.

And yes, I miss her.
And yes, I still love her.
And yes, I still care about her.
And yes, I need her.
And yes, I want that she'll come back.
And yes, I miss the way she talked about how much the Hunger Games is beautiful, though she didn't read the books.
And yes, I miss the way she googled the most silly things to proof me that I'm wrong.
And yes, I miss the way she called me so late at night only to tell me what she found online.
And yes, I miss the way she scared me every time and made fun of me later.
And yes, I miss the way she was so thoughtful and so young at the same time.
And yes, I miss the way that she wasn't always right but still she was confident about it.
And yes, I miss the way she heard the most depressing songs but was still so happy.
And yes, I miss the way she accepted me no matter how stupid or embarrassing or radical I was.

And yes, if I could make her understand how much I care about her, how much I miss her, how much she meant to me, and how big the hole in my heart, and how sad I am when I hear her favorite songs again, or how happy I am when I think about the times I was actually happy because of her, but now, how much I miss her, and can't wait to see her smiling next to me again, telling me something like she used to...

If I had the guts to send it to her.
Just let her know that I miss her.
If she would know, and still hate me, I'll be better, and just to hear her no matter if she says if it's pathetic, or that she got touched, I don't care.


Why do I have to feel this way?!
Why do I miss her so much?!
What's wrong with me?!
She hates me, and I'm blind to it!
She's constantly avoiding me.
But I still care.
I still want her to see how I'm devastated, how loud my screaming for help, but everything else, telling me that the best way to survive, is to stay silent.
To keep it all in.


I want to die...
I can't measure it.
You can't measure things mentally.

Wow, I'm drained.
I just can't cope with this feeling, being so alone, and the only one that will make you feel better, is so close, yet, so far.
If I could just be with her one day again.
Or just to understand her, she changed, I don't see her as often, even in school, I just want need to know she's truly okay.

Random fact!
The expression OK is originally meant in the army to say shortly that nobody died, the O is for the number (0) and the K is for kills, together 0 kills.

So, what am I doing, being empty and so?
Friends? None.
I have nothing.
Even not an energy drink near me to make me feel better.
Energy drinks are my alcohol.


Oh, I barely remember when was the last time I heard this song...
Flightless Bird, American Mouth (wedding version) from Twilight: Breaking Dawn part 1 Official Soundtrack.
The acoustic melody, so beautiful.
It feels like a harmony in heaven of quietness.

If I only could just to leave this place, and instead of lying on a purple beanbag in tiny room, to chill in a hammock that is hanged above a waterfall in the middle of a forest.
Just so relaxing.


I remember that I said that I'd build some a place to chill in.
But with who?
My imaginary friends?
With who I'd laugh?
With who I'd drink energy drinks until we'll break something because we were so sure we had wings to fly with.
With who I'd be with, if not the only one that made me happy?

If not her, who?
With who I'd be able to laugh?

I sent her a shrinked link for my message, if she'd give a fuck, great, if she won't, oh well.

Sometimes I just stare at the infinity blankly, pretending I'm dead.
I'm just sad.
And death, oh, so charming.


I guess that time won't help this time, because these wounds won't seam to heal, the pain is just to real, and there are things that time cannot erase (yes, I do hear My Immortal).

I wonder, if she's alone.
If now she's suffering.
If now she feels just like me.
Depressed enough to understand The Lonely of Christina Perri and cry with it playing on the background...

Nothing seems to get any better...
Taking me to a therapist, making me suffer even more, reminds me all of my scars, how fucked up I am.
Going everyday to a school where I pop out, being black.
Seeing everyday older girls, so thin, beautiful.

And I'm...
Worthless...

If I was perfect...
If I wasn't black...
If I wasn't fat...
If I wasn't sad...
If I wasn't dumb...
If I was just perfect...

I just don't want it anymore.
You may take my life away from me.

Oh fuck, my head, I'm doing what people do when they try to calm themselves...
Moving back and forward, endlessly...


I just want to find a friend...
I'm all alone...



Well, the weather of this winter.
Depression, with 70% of fast mood changing swings.
I'm sure of that.
Seriously, depression already giving you fast mood swings, but with energy drinks it doubles.
Well, this winter will be interesting...

I wonder, when I'll be happy again...
I can't remember the last time I've been happy without taking things that will make my body create a chemical reaction.

I think the post is long enough...
It's the end...


Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Failure

Well, Friday, oh, the day before I'm 24 hours in home, and being watched.

But, tomorrow, I'm going to a Bat-Mitzvah, well, I think I am. 

If G won't go, I won't, I don't want to be alone there. 

The all new class idea, it's hard, we all experienced it, now it's harder, every time it's harder, the fact that I'm turning to be all alone around here, it's not terrifying, it's more unpleasant then every other feeling. 

So today, we started with two school hours of sports. 

We played soccer (or football, it depends on the side of your English), and soccer is my favorite game, sadly, one awful thing happened, I was, the goalkeeper. 

I'm good (even great) on defense, but not actually being in the goal. 

I got picked first (not impressed face like on the Russian girl on the Olympics, I understand her, it was unfair), I did awesome things. 

Like a ball came to me, blocked it, painful for some, but I barely feel something in my legs, it takes years on years of practicing, blocking incredibly strong and fast balls to my hips, my stomach, and sometimes my head, and the waxing helped too. 

So if you remember, on Avatar, I think that Iroh or Jojo said it "use your enemies power against them", I do, and when one of the rival players, she kicked the ball directly to me, from far, as a quick effective respond, I kicked it, I barely used my leg, just 5% of what I could do, and the ball got kicked to the other side of the field, and one of my team, kicked it from the short length between the other goal and her, we scored.

We won every single times. 

But still. 

Not impressed. 

Why should I? Some girls screaming with pitchy high voice, -barely- running,

And kicking so light.

So, for today I ate quiet a lot, hopefully tomorrow I won't.
I ate one toasted white bread, tomato, and cheese with olives, and then for lunch, cucumber, a full wheat medium bagel, with hummus.
Oh, and raspberry yogurt with one tbsp of oatmeal, and 1/8 cup of milk, 1/2 mango, as a shake.
Well, I don't know about dinner, but I would like to run a bit today.

So, it's going even harder without the chocolate, I don't know, some people say it's healthy, some not, it's good if you eat it moderately, which is hard for me.
Especially when there's ice-cream, chocolate milk, chocolate cereal, everything here.
Trust me, in cases like that, I would eat tons of chocolate, but self-control, it's what I'm doing (and failing at doing) now.

So, I want badly sweets, and food, but it's not healthy to eat so much, for a girl like me, and with my plans, and what I have to deal with in front of the mirror, I shouldn't eat.
Though, it's or that my mouth is bored, or that I'm hungry, in both situation I don't eat, but I do something

Apparently I actually do have and eating disorder, the shortcut of it is B.E.D. it's actually Binge Eating Disorder, and trust me, it sucks.
I just eat, and eat, even if I'm full, I eat, and I need to get rid of it.
People say so many things, I'm confused, I'm full, but  I'm still hungry right now.
Do you understand how fucked up is that?!

So today at the soccer, Ms. Bitch was in my team, and  I wanted to start a conversation, but tell me, how can you start conversation to a stranger you know?
Simply, you can't.
I can't understand her, she's here, and there, at the exact same time, she sometimes with them, but mostly not.
I want to talk to her, but don't know how, guess that it won't happen.


So, today my BID was mean, I can cut the relationship but I'll be really alone, which is a disaster about to happen.

By the way disaster about to happen, I really want the brownie, maybe I'll just calm down with the diet, right?
Yes, normal healthy girl with nice enjoyable meals are okay, I'm going to have fun, fuck you all.


Oh, well after it I ate an actual meal, now I'm full, this meal I ate was about a quarter from what I'm used to, so I need to set my new lifestyle.

• Only once a day a dessert (from any kind)
• 3 meals
• Cup of milk everyday
• 3 fruit servings
• 3 vegetable servings

I guess it is.

I need still to understand what to do on the hard weekends, and on the exhausting practice days, it's awful to try something that got such a high chance to kill me.

My life, became impossible.

You know, since she came to my life, I've changed so much.

She caused it.

But even if I'd kill her, my problems won't die with her.

OH MY FUCKING GOD I'M SO FUCKING HAPPY.

I must find low calorie energy drinks, I don't care about the chemicals, seriously, but the hyper feeling, fuck it's good.

I drink two, and seriously, I'm not only getting wings (Red Bull line) I get a fucking tail ears and wet nose, and it's the most awesome feeling ever, it's like showing all my fucked up real self, I'm just true.

So my 3 year old me is outside, hyper, funny, adorable, and the serious, is just standing trying to calm down the baby, and I'm so happy!

Now in school, instead of drinking the cranberry energy juice, I'll drink XL or Monster, whatever I'd find.

Well, I'm glad that the 3 year old child monster is in me, it's so optimistic, it's like my happy side, it's trigger is fulffiness (the feeling, or using the word), tons of caffeine and/or (it depends) sugar, then I'm going hyper, happy, it's awesome, for few minutes I'm the happiest person in the world, and there's only one way to make it even better...

GO FUCKING HYPER WITH FRIENDS.

Just one problem.

I don't have (real) any.

The only one that I would be able to do that with, I'm too shy to talk to her, just be friends with her, just to laugh along, do stupid things, unhealthy mostly, dangerously ridiculous, and just be happy that we both exist together.

I'm afraid.

I miss her so much.

And if I would be strong enough to tell her that....

I knew how much I loved being with her.

Now, that she's gone, like everybody else, her hold in my heart is the largest.

I don't know how to describe it, how much she means to me, how much I care, but I pretend I don't...

She's like my sister, I would do anything for her.

I'm not surprised, I love to do everything that kills me, it's like a fucking obsession, I'm obsessed with mental problems, I think I have them all, but it's all in my mind (like on Mr. Nobody), all in it.

Why do I do this to myself, it's killing me.

Really killing me.

That's the fun of it, ain't it.

My sick, masochistic fun...

Oh well, at least I enjoy it.

I guess the day just got from sad and bad, to depressing.

Oh my fucking god, ENERGY DRINKS are the most awesome thing ever!

They use the fats of your body and bring it to your cells.

YOU BASICALLY LOSE WAIT FOR DRINKING IT.

So for tomorrow's morning, I have some oatmeal cookies.

And since tomorrow is fat day, I have no idea what I'd do.

So, later I'm going to figure out what to do.

Get sad, then happy, then sad again, and then even more happy, then I'll make a research, and feel awesome, and just when I'll go to sleep, sad again.

Last thing, I must understand how I'm losing fake friends, earning  the only girl that ever understood me.

I guess that his night I'd try to do the impossible.

Berries, Survivors,

I hope you'll make it.

First Practice

Well, I don't have anything I would commit I did, I would say, no fucking way, I won't ever admit something, for my personal mental (and maybe physical) health.

So yeah, I don't have eating disorders, I did this thing of not eating for a year or something in school. 

So now it's again, no surprise, I just don't like to eat at school. 

And yeah, I do want to end my close relationship with sweets and salts, that are unhealthy, actually, stopping with junk food. 

And yeah, I do skip meals sometimes, why? Two reasons, sometimes only one, sometimes both. 

1. Because I still don't feel hunger. 

2. Because I ate something unhealthy and/or with many calories. 

And sometimes, I just don't feel like it. 

It's not that I stopped eating everything. 

I cut off things that are unhealthy, like junk food, or things that is full of fat, or above a normal amount of calories, but I do eat unhealthy fats, like in meats (cow and chicken), or in nuts (hazelnuts, Brazilian nuts), and alike, and I do eat sugars, in fruits, in natural things. 

And I stopped with gluten. 

I might be allergic to it, but it's not that I'm 100% celiac, it's just that I don't eat tons of it. 

I'm just trying to eat healthier, it's not a bad idea for a kid like me, right?

So, now after that torturing practice (we ran over one kilometer, and then tons of other exercises), I ate cucumber (very healthy!), and 5 Brazilian Nuts (great source of healthy fats).
I'm getting relaxed, and waiting for my guitar lesson.
I'm thirsty.
Going to take a drink.

Wow, that was weird, after I went to drink, I just stood up, and when I ducked down, I almost threw up, it was weird, I was surprised.

So, dear human -breathing- beings, as much as I'd keep it going, this is probably the description of my diet plan.
NO JUNK FOOD.
AT ALL.
And when I say "junk food" I mean,  almost everything I ate/drank so far, the more natural it is, and healthy, it's something I would eat.
So pretty much it's like that:
-chocolate (never)
-things that goes in wrappers (you know what I mean)
-anything that have colors in it (that are fake).
-things that from one serving that I'd eat have above 100 calories (it's not right to do it, unless it's just because of the size, like apples).
But everything that is from the nature is pretty much good!
like:
-veggies and fruits (probably every kind)
-full wheat things (preferably)
-things that not only fill you up, but have good nutrition facts, like I can tell you already that hummus with egg it's a good source of protein.
-things that are in low calorie, but is also a full meal, like pasta with tomatoes and some cheese or meat, basically, you need to eat every day something that have everything in it, meaning, (low amount of) healthy fats, high fiber, protein, and low carbs, those things will make you healthy, and thin as fuck.

I really want chocolate right now, but it's better to eat something healthy and sweet, or just wait for dinner, which will happen right after my guitar lesson, which is good.
I have a carving for sweet, and it's a big no-no for me, this diet will pretty much murder and destroy the existence of carvings, binges, and the evidence I ever had them before.

So after eating my meal (I ate only half of it and got full thankfully to the tips of drinking a lot meanwhile and eating with your non dominant hand) the guitar teacher came, and I learned a new song of Coldplay (they used to have really good songs) named "Trouble", I like it, I like everything that have piano in it, I find that piano is one of the most beautiful and charming instruments, it never gets old, it's eternal.
Like piano is in everything, jazz, pop, classical (I have one song in the iPhone which is classical, it's beautiful), rock (this thing still makes me laugh, I didn't believe it was real, well, the rock I first heard about was those guys I'm still trying to figure out who they are, in the white room, and blood, and screaming, and scaring the shit out of 8 year olds like me), everywhere you'll hear a piano, and everywhere there are talented pianist, I'm not even close to the word talented I did well on the guitar today, but it was because it was easy, and on the clarinet, oh, the clarinet, I still suck, I still hate the terrible Squidward's style noises that come from it when I play it a little different.

I have a book reading list, each semester I'll have to read two, I'll better finish my thing with Reached, because I can't start something new when I don't finish something else.
I picked two, one I've seen, read, everything about it, the beautiful story of Alice In Wonderland, but, since there's another book I've heard tons about, is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, this is what I want to read, really, it seems very inviting, what can I say? I love reading, writing, those kind of arts.

So, soon Rosh Hashana is starting, I'm prepared for Yom Kipur, last year I faster, during this year I'm fasting sometimes, but not for full day, the gym lessons can kill me if I won't eat.
And Yom Kipur will be the perfect day for reading the book.


Now, I'm tired, and it's obvious why.
After going to school, not eating much, then, walking for above a kilometer, then, eating nothing but water and a can of coke (zero), and running for above a kilometer, and walking half kilometer, then tons of ridiculous activities, it's explains it all.

I really want a snack.

My stomach is quiet upset, it's or that I ate too much after not eating, or that I'm still hungry.
I assume it's over eating.
Why?
I always do.
So when my stomach is like making weird noises, I just don't eat.
Simple as that.

You know, life in every fucking way is much better, when you have higher self control, the more you practice, the easier your life will be.

My mouth is bored, it's awful, most of times, when my stomach is making weird noises (over eating), and my mouth is bored, I'd guess it's being hungry, and I'll go to eat something that will make me gain weight, because it's empty calories.
Now, I will just chew on gum, or ice, depends on my mood, now it will be ice, I like gums more on day, when I'm tired, because they wake me, and brushing my teeth is equal to gum, same taste, waking me up the same.

So I'm going to chew some ice, learn to make composition notebooks, stuff like that, what I'll do for breakfast tomorrow, the usual of my changing-staying routine.

I guess you know what it means...

Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

New laptop

Oh fuck.

Now I'm at the bus station. 

After school. 

I need to wait about 5 minutes. 

No water, there's food (like I'm going to eat it, ha! And I'm sweaty. 

Today we ran a bit more than a kilometer, and then 600 walking. 

I didn't know that I'm capable to run that much. 

So my new bag. 

Got ruined, obviously. 

I just need to find my dad's old messenger, I love those bags, not a purse (it's heavy and uncomfortable, pretty much a thing that I won't suggest for junior high), or a backpack (unnecessarily big, and not very portable), and messenger, I need a perfect one, big enough for camera, my 14" laptop (I'm getting it this week, my dad upgraded it to me, touch screen) and all of my portable junk. 

So I've just met my two friends from genius school, yay, I think. 

And now I'm trying to get my old helix to its place. 

Sadly, I'm being ignored, since I'm young, and there are two girls at their twenties, you know what priority there is, young hot chicks with money, men, me. 

So lets hope that I'll get it soon. 

Oh fucking god. 

This is the coolest laptop ever (am I talking like a girly girl, wow, excitement takes everything out of me...)

It's hp, it's black (and shiny!) it got a touch screen, windows 8, but I can't open it, not until 6 pm, meaning, now it's four, and I'll be able to finish my post, with my new laptop!

Oh it's amazing!

Here's a photo!

The note is from my dad, just instructions, so I won't open it. 

Oh god, (it's ironic word in this occasion) I watch a movie, it's awful. 

I watch Saved! It's a movie about a Christian girl trying to "cure" her friend from his homosexuality (and people wonder why many believe that the chokers shovers Christians are evil), so it was nice, I like this Jewish girl, she was mean to them, it's like some Jewish thing, brother is a brother, sister is a sister, and it's cool as long as you don't rape or murder, especially if you murder somebody because his/hers homosexuality, life style (some are insane, but every religion got some).


And guess, what, now it's 7:32 pm, and guess what I'm using?
Yes, indeed!
My super cool windows 8 touch screen laptop.
I still write the posts with the keyboard, I like it better.
It's still weird to have this huge thing, my hands will need to get use to it.
So guess what I did, I drank two energy juices today (no lunch, no school food).
One is craneregy, I used one of the three in my locker, and now, instead of lunch/dinner, I drank Blu mochito, it's nice, I love Mexican juices, I love tacos, can you believe that this year I ate for the first time taco?
So, since to some thinspiration, tips, and want to look good at leggings, I barely ate today!
And one third of walking and two thirds of running, 3 times around school, it was awesome, we done 1860 meters!
My stomach and my side hurted, of course, but it was worth it, thanks to the skinny girls, I'm inspired.
I ate scrumbled eggs, tomato and about quarter cucmber, with a little olive oil, and a bit of salt.
Then, I drank water, skipped on school meal (some bun with sesame -I love sesame- and green apple), and after I had no water and I got thirsty and hungry, cranergy, which is a little above 100 calories.
And I skipped lunch, it was the easiest, I can always lie that I took a snack from this cafeteria/kiosk in school, and that I'm not hungry, so it's good, and around 6 pm, I drank the Blu drink, it's above 100 too.
It's awesome, when I drink too much caffeine, I become hyperactive, and it's so weird.
The coolest part of it is when like part of me says "Dvash! stop with this bullshit!" and the other one says "Haha! fuck you! hell no! it's fun!" it's like thirty year old, versus three year old.

I like energy drinks, maybe tomorrow I'll drink coffee for lunch, so I won't have to eat, but I still have tons of energy for the practice.
We have one hour practice tomorrow, about a hour or two after school, so it's good, I won't eat, I'll draw, hear music, blog, you  know, the usual.
It's so awesome that I have school, so yeah I'm shy, but in no time I'll be fine.
I don't have to eat, I burn tons of calories (thank you sports class!), and yeah, I'm happy!
I just have these natural sport hormones, it's awesome, I'm not sad that I don't eat, I'm happy because I move, I discovered how energy drinks are awesome, I can run after school at the field, for fun, I'm going to be perfect.

My friend filmed me to Whatsapp after I drank Blu, and I was so hyperactive, I just ran to the room, saying "Rawr! I'm a lion!" because my hair looked puffy, and because of my lion shirt, it was awesome!
So all my friends are laughing, I guess I'll get better with energy drinks.
I just need to find some with very low calories, and still with high caffeine, it's better than binging, aren't it?

Look, few days ago, I just ate, nonstop, it was awful, now I'm better, I decided to cut off from all the eating.
I'm stopping with many bad sugars,  I won't eat chocolate again, it's a dangerous trigger food, I just can't eat one, it's terrible, I don't want it, it's bad for me.
If I eat one sweet thing, It's my end, I won't stop, never, I can't feel my stomach when it's full, of course it's way better from the kids that just can't feel pain, they can bleed, liters from the red liquid, and not notice it, it's awful, it's happens with many children, they are perfect to horror movies.

Fuck, my leg can't stop moving.
I used to know a kid that always was hyper, I still know him, just a little less, he changed, we all did.

I'm going to search for low calorie energy drinks.

Well, online there's shit that it's not healthy, and that the maximum that a teenager should get caffeine is 100mg, I drank about 300 mg, oopsie!
I want to find alternatives, they say apples. or diet coke, or zero coke, I wonder which one I should pick, Ii have a coffee shop under the McDonald's building, but they don't say how many calories, so I'm not sure about it, although, in the kiosk under my building, there are cold coffee's in cans, probably diet too, but the problem is the caffeine, oh fuck.
I'll find a solution eventually, I'm good at doing it!

Oatmeal sounds nice, but what if I'll go exactly like my sugar crashes, when I just binge for sweetness, then I won't be able to stop, and there's the problem, maybe it'll be my breakfast (I always eat big breakfasts, they are making me strong for the day, even if I'm barely eating), like with milk, and honey, or an apple, for faster metabolism, it's healthier and more filling than honey.

Tomorrow I'm going to buy some berries (yay!), I'll make breakfasts, other meals, practice boosters.
And yeah, for smoothies!
Smoothies are perfect for everything, if you want, you can make hot smoothie, you just make smoothie, and instead of ice, you mix it with warm milk, it's amazing.

Wow, I might open a recipe blog because of it, if you'd like to join, just let me know, I don't know how, and I don't really care how, but I know that for sure, more recipes from around the world, it's perfect, it's like a worldwide haul, of awesomeness.

I will buy oatmeal, I think that with honey (it's like caramel, just with more nature in it -probably not the most smart and deep thing I've said-), it's like a true snack, seriously a dessert, but with apples, or berries, it's heaven on tongues, well, I should stop talking about food, if you're hungry and not eating (like me), you'll find writing on food calming, and reading, well only make you hungry, so I'm sorry (but not really, because I'm getting clamed).

Well, my muscles are sore, I guess it's from the paper bag I carried two days ago, with the school books, and it was pain in the ass (or arms, whichever that fits you).
Maybe it's the lack of energy, who knows.

So I know that energy drinks are bad, after all, they do keep you up, but still, the crash, and the calories are too high, so what if I burn them, the less I need to burn, the better.
  

So, tomorrows plan, egg whites, some tomato and cucumber, with a but of salt and a bit of olive oil (from now on, I call it salad, every salad is different, this is mine), and a glass of milk (for the bones, teeth, hair, nails, pretty much everything).

For lunch, well, maybe a berry or two, but even then, maybe not at all, maybe an apple, maybe a diet soda. 

Dinner, well, that's hard to answer, hopefully, not, but the realistic one, small dinner. 

I won't eat bread (my parents think I have celiac, it makes sense because my uncle have celiac, my sister have celiac, and my mother have celiac), and I will eat about three spoonfuls of the salad, with egg whites, and a tablespoon of hummus, that's the Norma, it's a lot, but it's the most (or least, depended how you see it) I can do. 

So after it, after school, since there's no school gym (no leggings, sad sigh) I'll go with normal shorts, and I'll switch for the practice. 

Back to after school, walking for about a kilometer (very not sure about it), to buy berries, it's might be after practice, it's good for relaxing the muscles. 

And maybe oatmeal. 

And just for the idea,  blinches low cal recipe that tastes awesome as the real one. 

For the people that don't know what is blinches, blinches is the word for pancakes on Russian  (am I right?), the blinches are just like pancakes, the difference is that you roll it like a tortilla, and put in it things. 

So, here it is. 

Ingredients:

Rice paper (for large 60 cals, for small 20 cals, may vary, better to check it on your own).

Berries/fruits (something that isn't too hard to chew, pears, bananas, strawberries, other berries, cherries, but not apples, and alike)

Something that goes well with those (cheeses, melted or not, honey, even chocolate if you don't mind).

Bake the rice paper, or just use instructions, I don't know. 

Meanwhile, chop the berries or fruits of needed, get your things ready. 

When it's done, put all the things in the paper, roll like a tortilla and enjoy. 

It's that damn easy, it's filling you (the rice paper is always low calorie and because it's stickiness, and chewing time, it's filling you), it's low on calorie (you can make the meal under 100, depends on the paper size), and it's super easy. 

You can replace the rice paper (I won't recommend due the fact that you won't feel really full), with real tortillas, or real pancakes, or real other things. 

Well, that's all, I guess, I'm going to open meal tips and everything tips, maybe not now, I'd gather material first. 

Berries, Survivors,

I hope you'll make it. 

First day of school shortness

You know what, I feel that something weird is happening, I can't actually tell you it as a fact, but I feel that something bad is about to happen, it's like the silence before the storm, and sweetheart, at the moon it's louder. 

You know, I have found another sign, and for a change, it's from the music world, it's more like an artist that I know that when I hear her on the radio, things won't go as excepted, but still come out good. 

It's Amy Winehouse. 

When I finally found a bus that goes near my school (it's weird to call it that way), the radio played the exact song that tells it. 

Rehab, two years ago (5th grade) we had this graduation party, so we had to make a dance (disgusting), and the song we picked is rehab (don't ask me why, I don't know, it's kind of depressing, rebellious, and pretty much few years from our age, drugs), and when we danced it, we understood we got confused in the middle (sarcastic shocked gasp) but it still came out good. 

This song pretty much charged my hope level to its full. 

So the day started, an I got a little late (with my luck, of course I came late!) so I found myself sitting with a girl I used to know, when I was about 3 or 4, well she was my best friend back there, I wonder if we'll become friends again. 

I had my first sports one and a half hour lesson, we had time for a warm up and talking. 

We had 10 rinks, 5 walking, 5 running, like, running, walking, running, walking, and again. 

It was under the boiling sun, but we burned some, and we got the best news ever and after five minutes I discovered that they can be also the worst. 

We must wear black leggings for gym. 

We have about 5 times gym (not including afternoon practicing).

I'll wear all the time leggings. 

Of course, thank to god, and luck, I got my desired wish, but in with a terrible thing with it. 

If I'm planning to lose weight (and I sure am) it will be more visible, oh well, I'll figure it out later. 

So, today, hmm...

I discovered that soon the school's band will need to new members, and guess what? I don't want to go there. 

I saw the drums on the stage, after he started playing all I wanted to say "what a waste" same with the electric, bass and the acoustic guitar, you can make much better from boring half sad half happy Hebrew songs (I don't know if I should cry or laugh, or craugh).

Same with the piano, I like pianos, I like people that get piano dropped on them, I like many piano included things. 

Actually, my favorite music (or song, I don't know how to call it) is Fur Elise. 

It's probably the prettiest sounds you've ever heard. 

I have those turning dolls with the music box, so I took it out from the box, and now I have a dancing Cinderella to its metallic sounds (it's really nice to hear the sharp edges brushing the metal sticks, it came weird).

So, we started to learn about math (boredom on its way), and we got to know wht geography would be about (more about cultures, religious habitats and holidays, about places around the world, I admire china when it comes to it, and India with their weird weddings, and probably my favorite in the strange places of Africa, it's interesting).

And we met our Arabic teacher (the French guy and girl didn't come), she seems nice, I can't wait to learn, I'm amazed (for bad) that we even get a choice, how does it fair that the Arabs/Muslims must learn Hebrew, but we don't must Arabic?

It's a shame. 

Boo you "exotic" (yeah right, French is exotic when Israeli will be polite) lovers. 

So I've got 4 new black leggings (we must wear black, I assume that my outfits will look very dark and sad, oh well...) and it's annoying, why? My mom picked on purpose size 2 (I'm usually 00 or 0), and why? To make me feel fat? To make me hate myself? Because by now, I do, I really do. 

Isn't it just great.

So today, I lost my cartilage, in the bathtub. 

I need tomorrow to go to the store and ask them to help me insert the old one. 

And today, I finally done what I planned to do long ago, but I just didn't know how. 

Messenger bag!

Well, it's not pretty like the ones you buy. 

It's from blue fabric (our school shirt fabric), it used to be royal blue, but it's old, so it lost its shine, and the deepens of it. 

And the strap it's actually an old brown belt, it's not the perfect material, but it's working. 

I also made a pocket, for change, and my bus card. 

I think I've done good enough for 16 sized old blue shirt, a white zipper, and old belt, all connected with sewing thread, a needle, and my two hands that got stabbed over and over thanks to my clumsy hands. 

By the way stabbed and hands. 

Few days ago, with the mirror, I tried, I'm sorry, but I tried, and today, when I just checked my wrists (sometimes from borderom, my habit wakens, and I just look at my wrists, another weirdabillity I own), and I saw the most scary thing ever, red marks, tiny scratch, and inside of my skin an flesh, unmarked trails. 

It was terrifying. 

You have no idea, a small panic attack. 

I got so scared "what if people will notice?" "What my parents will do to me?" "What my 'therapist ' will do to me?!".

I'm glad that now the rainbow of doom calmed down.

But I still feel my heart races when I look at that. 

You know, I got a hoodie. 

Yeah, I still can't believe I lost the old one, I just passed so much with it, from the beginning of the bullying, through self harm, and I lost it on the academy days. 

This hoodie carried a lot of weight. 

Damn, no wonder why it went away. 

Well, it's a noob's mistake to be my hoodie. 

If you born a hoodie, don't born black. 

Probably that most racist thing I said today. 

I bought few energy drinks today. 

Actually three, but I also keep gum with me. 

Food in school are for weaks. 

If I'll manage to stop eating sugars and fats (from unhealthy sources), and not eating in school (unless it's a negative calorie), I'd be beautiful like that (snapping fingers). 

I got the most awesome gym teachers. 

I can talk tons about them, but have you heard the Russian system?

Exactly, Russian gym teachers that won't give up. 

The punishment of fainting there, is to run another 10 rinks afternoon. 

So if I'll faint, I can say I didn't run good, or something, and even get more skinny. 

Do you understand how awesome is that?

An they are funny. 

It's like a bonus. 

I will never stop loving Russians, am I?

Have you saw the horror (that's now more a comedy) movie, 2012, for the whole plane situation I was like "go Sasha! Go Sasha! Go Sasha! Sashimi!" For about 30 minutes.  

It's weird, but it was worth it. 

So, I bought another Zap Book, I have one for home, and one for school, they look almost exactly the same, the home one have two charms on it (I added them), and it also have some drawing in the inside. 

The school is empty, but it'll get full as soon as possible. 

So, I'm going to depress myself a bit (all I need is to go to some websites, some apps, and damn, bummer girl).

Lie to myself, then I'll confront myself accusing lying. 

Post about it. 

Yeah,

My personality is strange, each one of them are. 

So I'm going to do what I said, then go to sleep and wake up early, so I'll get my room organized, get my eating back, and get to the bus. 

Berries, Survivors,

I hope you'll make it. 

Just one

Nice, one day to go. 

Tomorrow is the first day. 

Tomorrow I'm going to sweat my ass off. 

Tomorrow I'd understand what is the minimum amount of food I can eat without the "I'm a zombie" look. 

Tomorrow I'll buy some energy drinks. 

Probably whatever I'd find in a decent price. 

Tomorrow I'd learn how to hide things. 

Tomorrow it's a big word. 

So today, I've done few things. 

Went for grocery shopping (boo).

Got waxed (ouch).

Bought school shirts (2 greens, 1 grey, 3 whites).

Got watercolor pencils (it's working pretty good).

Got 3 square small mirrors (nice, I can get one to the locker).

Got memo colorful notes (I don't know how to respond to that).

Got a bus card (I don't know how to call it, it's like a credit card, for busses)

And the highlight of the day!

I drank my first smoothie ever.

I picked one with my favorite kind of healthy food.

And it's not that hard to guess. 

It was berries. 

I picked mango, strawberry, and forest berries mix. 

Since I ate meat 2 hours before the drink, I took I with orange base instead of milk.

It was delicous. 

I'd like to make myself those things in the future, it's healthier than chocolate and popcorn (they sell those near the cinema), and it's like a double food, it's also a meal, and a drink, it's a win-win food!

So, tomorrow it all starts. 

I already counted it, its 278 days of school (not including holidays, it's like if holidays wouldn't exist), and it'll be the same for 3 years. 

I wonder I would be able to open my locker. 

Probably I won't, it's hard. 

Though I have nice password, it's easy to remember, but enough confusing, just like my phone number. 

I think I'm turning to be the kin of a girl that just getting attention like every other kid, and don't like it. 

I used to get all of the attention, now, barely, sometimes he ignores me. 

It's like, unfair, it feels like I don't have parents, only guiders that just won't let me do some things. 

Oh, just not daddy issues, I don't need another thing, if I'll get something like that, I'm officially a reality show material. 

I feel like a baby. 

Stupid baby. 

I can't believe that I'm like those kids, that just, upset with everything they stopped getting, spoiled brat, that's what I am. 

Now I'm enjoying from a terrible problem, over eating, emotional eating, comforter food. 

However, I know I'll gain weight, be depressed and whine a bit, then, I'll eat again, as comfort, hate myself, and over, and over, it's like, circle of life with food. 

Am I ready for tomorrow?

Nope, not at all. 

It can be a bad sign, or a good sign. 

But in situations like that, I tend to see the bright side. 

Unknowing can be so fun, exciting!

It's like walking, and never knowing where you're going, you know you'll get somewhere, eventually, just don't sure how, why, and who'll you meet. 

It's probably the meeting thing, the more I meet, the better it is. 

Just a nice guy friend will do the work. 

Imagine the ideal guy friend, and the ideal girl friend. 

I'm neither. 

But hey, it's the thing, I'm special. 

You'd probably find me playing video games, but like Sonic, or Plants vs. Zombies, and sometimes Nihilumbra. 

Though, you'd always see me with nail polish, never pink (I just say I'm allergic to that color, in every shade of it), probably dark colors.

You'd won't hear me listening to love song, and if you will, punch me (slapping can hurt, ask everyone that asked me to do that to them), wake me up from the illusion I'll sink in. 

You'd won't hear me talking much, and if I will, it's probably because I ate too much sugar/ drank too much caffeine/ didn't ate enough. 

You know, I have a sign of trust, when I feel comfortable enough, to just lie on a sofa, and raise my legs on somebody's lap, for comfort, I know I trust them, care about them, love them. 

It's like those stupid teenage girl magazines bullshit, the only difference, that I have different ways, like if we're really close, you can look at my art, and even get on my bed (I never let people do that, afraid that they'll find something).

And you know, it's weird, it's like I have a sign list, if the relationship work or won't, it's the same with guys an girls. 

If most of time we just don't talk, I smile shy, and both of us rather to do something else, it's bad, and there is no reason to keep going. 

If we make each other laugh, and not focusing muh on the activity were doing, it's a miracle. 

If we just do like normal people, it's depends, if s/he will be like flowy, and we'll do other thing, it giving us the options I mentioned before to check, if not, it's not meant to be. 

It's easy, if I'll write it one day (Zap Book it's pretty much the cover name of poison book), I'll write it in my new notebook, so, I guess it'll be interesting. 

Well, what should I do? I'm nervous...

Do you even imagine that after 7 years, in the same routine, same place, same hours, same people, it's changing?

I'm going to a new school, different hours, new people, different routine, another place!

It's weird, I've got so used to the exact same thing, that I'm surprised by the fact it's changing. 

Oh well, another one of my weirdnesses.  

I know few kids there, from public events, of course, I hate them, so popular, and listening to pop (it's like the things you think you've got used to, that you're friends hearing this kind. Music, but you never actually used to it and got over it), and well, stupid, athletic, white, skinny, being girly. 

I can't find there nerds, I mean, with who I'll become friends? I hate people who care only about sports, they just not passionate about it, you can be passionate to everything, just, they aren't. 

I love people with weird things, special. 

As normal as they seem from far, the crazier they actually are. 

I'd like to meet many people, you already know my special meeting tour, just taking pictures who actually inspire me, and I find interning. 

So yes, I won't be dying to meet celebrities, they are hard to reach, far from talking, and obviously, not interesting as much as people you just passed on the street. 

I'd like to meet the animator of Spider-Man instead of the actor, because trust me, shaping objects, moving them perfectly, rendering them, and putting them flawlessly on the movie, is much harder than facial expressions, lines, and choreography.

And I believe that the script writer of the dictator, or of avatar (it's actually an author, but you get the idea), than meeting the clothing designers (though it's hard), imagine how many ideas they've scraped, and how many they have more. 

It was deep. 

Like the ocean. 

Wow, I think that I'm probably not the most worried girl for tomorrow. 

It's like, just another school day, in a different place. 

You know some, you hate some, just like every other day. 

Just you have uniform. 

And forced to do like everybody else. 

By the way forced, I believe that right now I'm in that annoying teenager stage of "rebel against" it's annoying, it's like a period mood, you just nervous, upset, loud, and, against everything, it sucks. 

I fucking hate it (look, against being against, isn't it fairly awful), I'm getting upset about every fucking thing I won't get, and I hate everything, I want to just destroy everything. 

But with my past (if you can call two years "past") the only thing I would ruin, is myself. 

I just want to fall asleep and dream, and then remember the dream, I'd like to fly away and remember the traveling. 

So, lets jut relax, chill for a moment, and enjoy the view while drinking/eating/drinking+eating something, and embrace every part of our damn personality (I just love how I have like two personalities in me, I'm in a relationship with myself).

Have a nice day, and I hope you won't get any terrible song on the radio, I've heard already a rap song about sex on Hebrew, and guess what I felt, ANYTHING BUT JOY. 

And I've heard about two times Whistle (Flor Rida) because my brother like this song. 

I just played my music, and put the iPhone speakers next to my ear.

Berries, survivors,

I hope you'll make it. 

Fifth

Lately, I've noticed that I post after the hour 12pm (noon), I get more upset then, and it's probably because the only reason, my mother. 

Now, she's still in her settled mind of the "My kids must seem happy, and perfect, quite, and obeying every order, it doesn't matter if they're suffering, sacrifices on mental health are acceptable".

And guess what, when the mental health injuries are leaking, the outside seems exactly like the inside, broken. 

I replay those days, 8th and 9th on mars. 

Oh, I remember, I attempted to cut my relationship with a bully, I failed, and told her my secret (it's a girl thing, eventually they'll spit out every single lie or secret), her mother checks her Facebook page, and I remember, at night, we watched a comedy show, the whole family. 

Then, the phone rang, I had a feeling that it was the bully's mother, and my survival instincts are very good, so, it was her. 

Through the comfortably placed mirror, I've been able to see that my mother is sitting on the dinining chairs, blank face. 

Then, I understood what I am, dead man. 

After a while she came back, didn't laugh from the jokes, just blank. 

After five minutes I lied, and went to "sleep", I didn't want to confront them. 

I wasn't ready, because after all, how can you be ready for it?

I went to the kitchen, to check my mothers phone, to make sure I was right, and the sad truth, I was. 

At the morning I woke up early, I slept bad, it was the nightmare of reality, nothing is more scary than it. 

And on the morning, I cried, my father spoke to me first. 

After 2 hours my mother came , talking to me.

In that day, I wasn't alowed to stay in my room, and for about a month, I was forced to tell my mother what happened each day, and play cards with her. 

I've got my body searched, for any other cuts. 

And once in a while, I'm asked to show my wrists. 

You probably don't know how it's like, everybody's experiment is different. 

I just want to feel something again, because I'm turning to be a wall. 

Numb, blank wall.  

You can talk to it, you can hear it, it can hear you, it won't talk, never. 

In two days school starting, I'm glad to be away from this monster I call "mother".

To stay with people I don't like, but at least sketching. 

It's something after all. 

Today I bought two school shirts (I can't stand being a panda), one some green that I don't know how to describe, and dark midnight blue, it's on the edge of black-grey. 

I hate that my mother is forcing me to buy this size, large, I fit extra small, but no, lets make the girl with self esteem problems. 

You know, I can wear extra small sized leggings in extra small sized shirts, I fit them, I'd look good in them, but I'm not allowed to, why? 

I don't know. 

But sometimes I just want to look like a normal girl, for once. 

You know how it's like to feel fat, or stupid, or just unwanted, that's probably why you're here. 

You know, I always was like that. 

Changing. 

I understood now, that I used to bully with my friends, on some guy. 

I still hate him, he done disgusting things. 

But bullying is bullying. 

There are no discounts, if you made somebody feel bad because of himself, you've bullied. 

I won't fit heaven, and I won't fit hell neither, I'm a human, I fit to earth. 

I like Fun. 

I enjoy much more from the twats that don't (and never will) understand the lyrics. 

It's terrible for me, of course, but it doesn't matter. 

There are 7 billion (+) stupid people in the world, they are just a few of them. 

I don't know how I've ended this way. 

Who owns the blame?

How have I got to the situation that I'm writing to people that I don't know and consider them my real best friends, and being depressed or upset with every little thing. 

I just hate all of the people who have bipolar amnesia. 

I don't believe that it actually exist in the medical world. 

But for me bipolar amnesia it's a common disease, making people change they're behavior or some people in matter or seconds, like what they've done never happened. 

Most of my friends in denial having this disease. 

It's contagious, probably more then the Plague on Reached, almost everybody have/had it. 

I had it, then I had some therapy in shocks, I got so overwhelmed by all of the things that happened behind my back, that I got cured instantly. 

Again mother?

Haven't I suffered enough?

Okay, right now we went (the whole family) to buy shoes, and a present. 

So when we were at the toy store, when I walked up the stairs, my mother started to spank (not violently, but enough to piss me off) my butt, I said stop, and she kept doing it, I said stop about ten times and she kept doing it, I screamed her to stop an then she told me that I'm embarrassing her.

Then when we got to the bakery (I really wanted cookies), she told me to only buy one kind, that would be fine, but when your sister bought junk that costed 50 NIS, and so does my brother, I think I deserve two kinds of cookies. 

Then, when we got to the building, on the elevator, she held her finger, pointed, aiming to my stomach, I said again stop, and the same situation like on the store happened. 

Seriously?

Again?

Right now she got crazy, she's yelling on me because I won't put my shoes (that they've brought) back to their place. 

And when I walked toward the balcony to put them in the place, starting to growl silently, I understood what I wanted to do, express pain. 

But on who but myself?

I know that if I'd hurt others, it'll be terrible, I won't be able to live with myself. 

And guess who I will. 

Myself. 

I surrender, I decided to go on my bed, the most dangerous equipment around here is plush dolls, pencils. 

Oh, there's a ruler and pencil sharpener. 

If I could only pretend that I don't know how to break the sharpener, or cut pretty much everything with a ruler. 

It's amusing, last year, a nice nerd (I really think he's nice, he's also smart and interesting), taught me how to cut shapes in paper with a ruler when you don't have scissors, what a shame, I found a bad usenet for it. 

Knowledge on the wrong hands can become a dangerous weapon. 

Again?

What is it? The fifth time this hour?!

Again, I find myself on the bed, trying to get as far as possible from scissors, razors, knives. 

Why can I feel it, I'm supposed to feel pain, heart break, none of them I feel. 

What's wrong with me?

Why can't I feel?

I'm tempted, I really want it, that bad.

To feel what I'm supposed to feel. 

It's not even that I born heartless, they've just stopped coming. 

Pretending that I never had them. 

I don't know why music clams me, maybe the sounds of instruments, maybe the voice. 

I like Escondido, a band of two, man and woman, I like them, I wish they've came to Israel. 

But nobody does. 

It's probably the best thing about them, so hard to reach, like a diamond. 

You know, sometimes I just wish I could cut my ears, at least it'd look like I'm crying. 

Today I bought few things. 

Sport shoes, I think of asics or something. 

Midnight and green school shirt. 

Black hoodie (it doesn't feel like my old one, maybe it's because that the new one don't have blood inside of it).

12 pencils (the H's, F, HB's, and the B's).

Sketch book (I really like it, it's red, and on the front it says "zap book"). 

Charcoal sticks (hard, medium, soft).

I'd like to set myself on fire. 

But you know what they say, You can't always get what you want. 

I wonder, how much the first day will be hard. 

Gym on the first day. 

I'm so not ready. 

But if I want to feel beauty, I must make an effort. 

Fuck, I'm starting to get the side affects of school panic, starting to have bipolar mid-amnesia, I remember, but change. 

 Oh well, I have tons of movies to watch, and avatar episodes, so I'm happy. 

I also have some time for learning to know what to do with art materials. 

Zuko's got daddy issues, mommy issues, sister issues, trust issues, commitment issues, and pretty much every other issue on the world. 

Did you know that I hate most of men that wear tank tops?

It's not looking good on many people. 

And also V neck shirts, also the same story. 

Well, I'm taking a break from writing, probably to organize things and learn. 

You know, I'd be fine if some of my friends will hate me, sad if everybody that I love will, devastated if all the people I trust will, and I'll be fine (even happy) if the whole area will. 

But when I feel that my mother sees me as a toy.

I'm full of hate. 

And when my dad doesn't care about me as he used before (its a huge change). 

I'm just in the edge of a cliff, waiting to the breeze to grow stronger, and push me to my death. 

Oh, I just want to die. 

At least give a final use to our balcony, as a place to die in. 

You know, when I took a break, I found a piece from my broken mirror. 

Yes, a sharp piece of metal covered in glass. 

You can only imagine my temption. 

You know, I don't think it's too much to ask for only activating the Wii, so I could play Sonic, or the Nickeolodoen game, or whatever that we have, when you got this gaming system, for your seventh birthday. 

How does it make sense that my siblings will get whatever they want whenever they want, and I'll barely goth one of those two luxurys, time and options. 

I just want to die, fast, peacefully. 

Maybe in ironic way. 

Poison. 

You know, I've never wanted to go to such a place named "suffering" if it was up to me, I'd be wherever there's people that actually put clothes on their body, and actually don't mind to sweat and get injured, and you can get into pictures, and live the moment of the picture. 

I really like using those new pencils. 

I really like the mouth I made. 

I'd might upload it on one of the blogs. 

I'd probably go to my bed, learn some, watch some, sleep some. 

And just one last thing,

Have you seen the parodies of Barely Political, I ran to it, after about two months I didn't see a thing they've made,  and the parody for Miley's new song "We Can't Stop", and the episode they made about the Dalek (I love the man that added the doctor who to their idea list). 

But how did I get there?

It was in the suggestion box of an awesome video, Justin Bieber Baby Circus Afro, search for it, it's awesome remix of about 1:50 and if you loved Madagascar 3, and it doesn't matter if you dis/like Justin, it's awesome. 

I'd probably watch Madagascar 3 again.  

Good night, I hope that in the night one of the devil's sons will come, he will sing so high and loud, that the glass will break, and you'll grow an Afro instantly (I love Little Nicky, it's one of my favorites).

Berries, Survivors,

 I hope you'll make it.

Run lover, run

Fuck you iphone. 

I wrote one post, an you didn't save it. 

I wrote another, much longer, with information, intellectual, but again, you saving skills aren't good enough. 

So now I'm hearing classical music and reading Reached, it's weird I know. 

The fact that I'm reading is normal, but this book giving me a headache. 

And yeah, classical music. 

I like to hear music with other activities. 

I assumed that hearing classical music without voices, only from nice piano and six different artists, it'll be easier to concentrate in the reading. 

Dear Ky, good for you to being such an awesome friend and a boyfriend and an aberration, but seriously. 

Nobody should use the line "our lips touched" it's making me feel ill. 

Like, it's very pedophile-ish to say touch, and alike. 

It's just making my stomach to move inside uncomfortably. 

I don't know if it's because you kissed or the way you say pedophile-ish things romantically. 

I'm used to this weird feeling when there's love expressions on books (I'm more explosions, nice assed, mysterious things, and people with weird hair/accessories/sign in movies/books kind of girl), every time when people find a "creative" way to day something like kissed or fucked or alike (I don't want to know what can be besides it) I get nausea. 

I should keep reading. 

Oh god I missed that. 

You stood in the woods on the hill, and kissed. 

We all know that you should never kiss in the woods, or have sex, or to make out, it's a guideline you should follow, if you ever saw Jennifer's Body, the jock always get slaughtered when he's seduced. 

Never have sex, you WILL die. 

Most people relate it to Twilight. 

I did to, since now, to Jennifer's Body, damn and this Collin, oh god...

Why couldn't they show it!

I didn't see guts in a while, two years ago, in a basements, Friday 13th, we watched at night "Scream" we stopped after 15 minutes. 

We got scared. 

People, if a white girl that got pale, with black-brown hair is starting to flirt with you after you asked her out, she rejected you, and after she talked to her friend, run. 

If a white girl that got pale, with black-brown hair is seducing you, after your best friend died, and she wants to take you to the woods, run. 

Don't stay.

She will kill you. 

Haha!

(Imagine it in some Sherlock Holmes voice when he discovers something)

I knew it!

That was so obvious. 

Spoiler alert:

One page before it I though "it'll make Ky's life much easier if he will fall in love with Indie, and will make Cassia's life more complicated because she wouldn't understand, but Xander will be happy, after all, his love is with him"

Then BAM. 

Indie kissing Ky!

What?

My human intuition (I would call it girl intuition, but it's survival thing, I feel it in my guts) is working perfectly. 

Okay, I'm really far from being the ideal girl. 

I'm ideal best girl-friend but nothing more. 

I just ate ice cream, and huge part fell on my iPhone, where's the charging plug and the speakers.

Guess what I did, pretending that I didn't heard about all of those people who electrified from it. 

Sucked it bitches. 

You know. 

Therapists sounds amazing to me. 

I'm stuck with a psychopathic psychologist of kids. 

She giving me stories and giving me to draw. 

Therapists that talks and listens and listens again, is much better, no further interaction. 

Now with who I'd practice lying?

She's boring as fuck. 

I'm not a five year old, yes I am in the section of underage with them, but no, in these 12 years, I've passed too much. 

And yes, I am like every other 12 year old bitch, thinks that her life's the worst. 

But no, I know exactly what hell my "ex-friends" will find, I'd laugh along, evil glares, yeah, that's my pretty little heavenly nightmare. 

I like cars, really motors and I, we can live happily until we'll die. 

I got it from my dad. 

Apperantly, I got many traits from my dad (like my criminalic thinking, my dad have it to, but he's a detective, he actually understand their minds), and motors, since I was about 7, my dad have a car he restoring, it's an old Triumph, it's beautiful. 

Oh god, who the fuck built a car from fiber-glass?!

It's a surfboard material, it breaks easily, meaning, if one wave in specific shore, can break it, you can only imagine what 4x4 can do to it. 

Why an I this girl?

Like, the lonely one that will probably keep her life to herself (its already over exposed), and secrets will go just fine with me. 

Cut relationships (even more).

Secrets that nobody but you will know. 

Oh god this batmobile is looking good. 

I don't know it's name, but the shape of the top, it's reminding me it, we'll, the batmobile that daffy stole in that movie of loony tunes when they go with this monkey diamond, and Vegas, and Acme with this guy and Merlin, some people aren't meant to look good when making out. 

You know what's looking good with snakebites?

Frizzy brown-orange-hazel beard. 

How do I know that?

Discovery Channel, they got handsome mechanists on Fantom Works. 

And we all know that I like beards. 

And birds. 

And birds with beards, and the opposite too. 

I really like this red batmobile wedding car. 

It's one of the prettiest red cars I've saw. 

I have three amazing cars in my mind, two of them are vintage. 

1. My dads Triumph. 

2. This wedding batmobile. 

3. A car I've saw only once, and her noise, it's like a tigers purr, it sounded like car from heaven, it drove fast, beautifully, with elegance, I think the name was eagle or something. 

If I'll ever get rich, or find one in the junkyard, I'll make it work again, my dad and I, to the coolest car ever. 

A car that I saw for the first and the last when I was 9, is my dream car. 

By the way batmobiles, daffy, I believe that rabbits rule the world. 

The one and only batman for me, have long ears and says "what's up doc?", while everybody was in high school, he was a president, an astronaut, an Olympic swimmer, and I don't remember what's else, yeah, he was batman. 

And the Bionic Bunny, from Arthur, this superman with ears, and his brother the dark bunny, I thought it was him like batman, like when Spider-Man got this black outfit, so it happened to the bionic bunny, and he turned to be like batman, but no, he's just his relative.

The bionic bunny and the dark bunny just got lame. 

Oh fuck you monsuno. 

As much as I love animes and cartoons that is back to the tv. 

I have limits. 

If I'll have a sweet sixteen (I wrote it sweat at the start, when I see all the artists performing and then using towels, you don't need to wonder that much), I want a boy band. 

I want.... Drums, drums, drums...

BOYS WHO CRY. 

Yes, indeed, the guys that popped out of a huge gift (people, the only ones that will pop out of my cake, it's a pair of female strippers, because men are just no for me) for Pearl's birthday, and definatley not twerking Squidward, maybe old man twerking, it will be much awesome. 

So since I don't believe that your birthday party should be more glamorous than your wedding or your blogging anniversary (the ultimate forever alone? Probably), so no. 

I want to find something to do with the cassette that doesn't working anymore that I've got (a diy girl will always find inspiration in old shit), I don even bother to decorate my room, not until that I know it's my room. 

I still want to use the room well build on the balcony, with window to the sea, it'll be awesome. 

 I like the view, you see the rest of the buildings, other cities, and the sun, the rain, and you hear less that gunshots, sirens, and the horrifying screaming. 

So, am I the only one that think that 30 dollars on clearance is expensive?

Like come on American eagle. 

I stopped liking their things since I've been there last time. 

They sold motorcycle vest, like the motorcycle jacket, without sleeves, it's not good, when I want something from leather, I'd like it to cover also my arms. 

I liked mine, but I lost it. 

So it's nice an everything, like good job with whatever you're trying to do, but 300 hundred NIS for this tiny piece I shit? (70$)

I don't think so. 

And the destroyed jeans, it's stupid, get it destroye by your over using them, it even looks like it just happened to you, from I don't know what, but it always looking original. 

I don't like these sweatshirts they sell, from the rough fabric, it doesn't look fashionable/not-trying-too-hard, it looks like crap. 

Reminder to self,

Next time you're shopping, search more in te guys section. 

Look, you know that cheap but fashionable clothing lines, that the snobby rich brats avoid?

Example, like buying in target (I like their clothing, it seems normal to me that you don't need to pay the same amount of a guitar price on 2 pairs of jeans).

So in Israel the name is Fox. 

I love them, Bar Refaeli modeled for them lately, and even one guy I know did.

I should search in their clothing too, in the guy section. 

And in the thrift market, though I do it often, just a little more, I hope that the awesome superheroes shirts they have will stay until next time. 

I like the Hulk, he's like me in anger attacks, just that I turn red, and my voice is loud enough so I don't have to go gigantic. 

And Spider-Man, and superman. 

I liked batman's too, but since that I lost my remote in the closet with all of the black shirts, I should avoid black (and I'm sick of the gothic reputation I got, I'm not gothic, I'm hiding my real awesome self from you, I hate to show it to people), stick to green, brown, blue, dark warm tones, earthy colors. 

School is starting in three days, and soon this three will turn to two, its two and a half hours away. 

Can you believe it?

Me?

Starting juniors high?

Alive?

In sports class?

With twats and jerks (aka jocks)?

Oh fuck. 

I'd stand out, my clothing, aren't like every other girls, there's extra space between my skin an the fabric. 

And my grades, well, different too. 

And my language, isn't clean, but have nice vocabulary, I use often my terrible English skills. 

Wow, mother, surprise surprise. 

I don't want to live anymore. 

I don't want to stay here anymore. 

I don't want to stay one moment more than possible in here. 

It's all because of you. 

You wonder why I'm in bed all the day, eating chocolate, hearing loud music, and hate to be around you, because I don't like you, I don't your rules. 

I don't have privacy, so at least I make a noisy bubble, that nobody would like to come in. 

I don't love anybody, nobody will understand me, it's better this way, and I stopped caring for most of things that I used to cherish, and I got interested in things I've hated. 

I've born to early, I thought that all of it, will happen three years later, but no, like every other thing in my life, out of time. 

I want to go to the second most beautiful land in the possible and impossible universes, wonderland, smoke with a caterpillar, drink tea with mouse, a rabbit, and shiny eyed hatter, why not, and other girl will fight along. 

Or better, creating things, in the most beautiful land in the possible and impossible universes, summerland. 

Why not, to finally run through fields, of my favorite flower, visiting places that never existed before, meeting other people who died, learning, because if one thing that never gets old in my life, the passion for learning more. 

So maybe math arent interesting (it actually is, but we keep repeating everything, so it seems to be boring), and history was long ago, but I believe that the lesson can be much better, depends on the focused subjects and the teacher. 

I love Ancient Greece. 

But, instead of fucosing a bit on the gods, and a bit about the army, and a bit on Athens, and a bit about Sparta. 

Make it interesting. 

Teach us the beginning of the world by the ancient Greeks. 

The Odyssey started like a harmony, a beautiful harmony. 

The gods, their traits, their stories, even Hercules, the Disney movie is quite more teaching and interesting. 

The army, wearing funny armory. 

Athens, the centre of the world, by the ancient Greeks, and the strongest empire back there (until Rome came in).

And Sparta, their gymnasium (the meaning of the word is actually excresise naked) and the weird tradition of kid drowning. 

Why won't you give an example, put goldfish in a fish tank, and throw dolls, and make everybody yell "this is SPARTA!!" People will be impressed. 

What stopping me from dying?

My strong body system, probably it's the main reason. 

By the way body system, I find that it's weird that I never had things that at least every human had. 

I never got stung by a bee (ironically, my name is honey).

I don't know what's my blood type. 

I never broke a bone in my body. 

Never were in surgery. 

The most "dangerous" disease I had was pneumonia which is a fancy scientific word for lungs inflammation, and for 3 weeks I were in bed. 

The most dangerous injury I had, my toe in the left feet got almost totally off from a piece of broken glass that came when I dropped by accident my glass. 

And like my luck, guess what song is playing?

Broken Glass from some band. 

You know, for about a week, I have no idea how many views I've got. 

I go to check it out. 

Huh, not as I expected, but still, it's amazing, it's the first time I've seen Poland in the list. 

I know for sure that I'll visit there, on the 10th grade, all the students visit there, holocaust and roots, totally depressing. 

Few got expelled last year, the teachers found them drinking in a bar. 

Just kidding, they just were in the kiosk without permission. 

If I'll be there, I have no idea what to do. 

Okay, I know that I'll be in Poland, I've been in USA already (I plan to live there too), and I'll be in Russia, because Russians are amazing. 

In Germany, I don't know, holocaust isn't a very welcoming association, brutal slaughter or Jewish and black people, murdering gypsies. 

Hmff... Considering the fact that I'm black (I don't even sure about this fact, I'm used to this nickname), and Jewish, and I plan on traveling endlessly, it's not the most recommended place. 

I want to be infinite. 

Something that lasts forever. 

I want to be pure energy. 

Or a ghost. 

I want to have a tattoo all over my hand, so when I'll fight other ghosts, my tattoo can be a weapon, pretty much extra hand, and in home I can have a pet like in  the Adams (yes the creepy family, I love them, the thing with their babysitter, wonderful), or like of Boris -the animal- just instead of monster like from my palm, it is my palm. 

I want to be something. 

Not someone. 

Something. 

Things are infinite, living, moving, ideas are designed to fade away. 

But I want to last. 

As an artist. 

The mad artist. 

Insane, creative, and itself. 

You've heard about the artist that drew himself everyday, every time under different drug, prescription pills, illegal drugs, everything. 

It's boring, self portraits, about yourself, when you're highed?

No thank you sir. 

I love berries, but hate blackberries, I think they're delicous, but I hate the owners, there's a girl we know as MB, and she owns a blackberry, and guess what? I fucking hate her. 

I fucking hate myself. 

Can you believe that you can break your own heart?

Crazy, I know, but I'm good at being like that, some people aren't born normal. 

I lied to myself that everything will be okay, I lied that people can love me, that people will understand. 

And you know what's happening to liars, they're getting destroyed, and their lies collapsing on them. 

Sweet karma, tastes so bitter. 

I can't believe that I broke my heart.

I can't believe that I broke it, not once, but twice. 

Like, how stupid can I be?

Lately we discovered that I can be very stupid. 

Horay, people reading about a girl that nobody understands, nobody gets, and nobody knows a thing about her life. 

And you know why?

Because this girl is considered as part from this everyone, this girl doesnt understand herself, this girl can't get herself, this girl have knows nothing about her life. 

And how do I know all of this?

Because, again, this girl is me. 

I guess that now school is two days away, yippie, brutal self destruction in less of 48 hours. 

Goodnight, imagine something with angelic voice singing you a lullaby, because my voice sounds twisted like Mr. Cricker's spine. 

I watch way to much cartoons. 

Berries, Survivors,

 I hope you'll make it.

Simply

I feel very suicidal right now, it's the simple way to say that. 

Please, I rather to die in slow pain and pure torture, as long as its from someone that really will enjoy finally killing his anger with a human being (if I can call myself this way). 

Come on, mother, you yell at me every fucking day, expecting that it will be alright, then you ask me why am I so depressed in really hateful voice, and what's wrong with me, or that I should stop to do what I feel like, and then you want me to be the perfect child. 

No. 

I'm fucking not this girl. 

I never were. 

I never played with barbies, or liked pink. 

And I never had more girl friends than guy friends, or preferred to play with dollhouse than playing soccer. 

I never thought that suiciding is wrong (giving up, is wrong, so if you kill yourself, know that if you give up, you failed), or that love is the reason you live. 

I always were myself. 

Too bad you can't except it, mother. 

How it was today?

I have no idea. 

I feel too bad to even respond people. 

Just, don't. 

I want sometimes to drown myself in the bath. 

Or sat myself on fire in the balcony. 

Sometimes to drink dish soap from the kitchen. 

Or just simply fall enough times from my bed. 

I'm saying, that sometimes, I'm really considering, to end it all. 

No another pupil in school. 

No another sad legend. 

No more blog posts. 

No more lies. 

No more cries, that long ago, became more often than smiles. 

No more embarrassing people. 

No more taking space on earth. 

No more snoring in laugh. 

No more dreams. 

No more nightmares.

No more jokes. 

No more me. 

It's too easy, it's only thirty seconds away. 

I just can fall from the balcony, and that's it, a body on the cold asphalt. 

It's so simple. 

Few seconds, and there I'll be, in Neverland, with Peter Pan, there to never grow up. 

Stitching shadows, playing with fairies. 

Why not?

I believe that my life is hell, so the worst that can happen, is nothing, I'd live again in a different body. 

If not, I'll be in heaven, with all the people who suffered enough. 

I hate this day, again, feeling like dying, will I'll ever run out of sadness?

Because I ran out of tears long ago. 

Well, at least I know, that in no time, another day is coming. 

Four days to school, I can't believe it. 

In four days it will be the beginning of a whole new experience, junior high. 

In four days I'll attend the first day of the coming three years. 

And I don't like it. 

I'm scared. 

I have a strong feeling that I'll be alone.  

All the girls, gah, girly, bubbly, popular, and none of the girls as I see it wil give up on the low chance they'll have the crown. 

The guys, pretty much the same, very, popular. 

I don't belong there. 

I don't belong anywhere with people like them. 

My friends, that I feel that's true to me, in other schools, like it's a plan, made to make me confront my fears. 

But I'm not ready. 

I guess it's part of the plan. 

Catch me off-guard. 

Right now, all I need for the new year, it's probably new sketch book, it will be expensive, but the good things must have a cost, we all know that the worst things in life come free to us (Ed Sheeran, The A Team), so, may the art begin. 

I remember having one plain sketch book, I remember drawing tons of pokemons in it, I also had some pokemon book, my best guy friend had a pokemon book too, it was fun, we drew pokemons, and he taught me how to play pokemon cards, and from it I learned also how to play Yugi Ho, and Bakugan. 

Why can't dorky children can come to my class?

Like, even one nice (really cute) guy, is on the science/smart class, many of my friends are there, I guess I'll meet them at the breaks. 

I'm so not ready. 

Oh well, I'll just stick to the quote from this girl from Just Peck, "life's a bitch and then you die", and write tons of songs that got stuck in my head. 

What am I going to do?

Oh shit, I'll just try to not pop out, and get used to noise. 

Four days!

Fuck!

Well, at least I -think I- know my schedule. 

Get out from the house at 7:30 or so, buy some energy drinks in the kiosk, go to the bus station, wait for the bus, pay, put all of my things in the locker, and wait. 

Oh, just in time!

Never underestimated you my dear phone, Teenagers, just in the fucking time. 

Oh fuck, I'm going to see them again. 

And be with them, for three years. 

At least I'll try the most of it. 

And you'll be my witnesses. 

Evidence that I survived middle school. 

I need to die, like just for few days, to relax at the spa of the dead. 

I don't know what to do. 

Really, I'm nervous. 

So tomorrow, it's Saturday, the ultimate relaxation. 

And on Sunday I have no idea what I'm doing. 

But on Monday (I think) I buy some more school shirts, because all I have is 3 blacks and 4 whites, and as much as I love pandas, I won't dress like one (unless its a costume, and then I will). 

Okay, I haven't talked about it, but the title is so perfect. 

Who Are You Now?

Seriously sweety, tell me. 

Who are you, or what are you, I don't know what is the right question to ask. 

You're not communicating at all, you got your hair straightened (I loved your curls, too bad that they're gone), you don't even look at me above one second. 

And what happened to you?

You used to be some kind of tayl, or drag, or a slave? And now you're independent, I guess that being alone is sort of your plan, if you have one. 

You used to be my best friend, we used to be together, always (some old song my mother likes, can't get it out of my head, at least it's better than hearing her Avril Lavigne or Taylor Swift songs), and now, you're barely waving your hand at us. 

Am I like a manikin to you? Human like shape, but nothing else from piece of nothingness. 

The void treated me better, and the narrator is less mean and depressing. 

I think I should tell you about it, it's another thing that I can't just keep it inside. 

You just officially became the best listeners in the world, free psychologists. 

So, back there at the movie thing, they hid BID's phone so since they had two knives on the coffee table I goofed and said "here, use these" holding the knives in my hand.

And their eyes, I knew that its not only him, it's the other boy too, my friend who is pretty good actor/singer/writer that knows the secret, and the unlucky lover boy, god, I really think he's shallow, he asked 3 girls in the past two years to be his girlfriend, he gave me the same look. 

Like they afraid that I'll do it in front of them (nobody is that stupid), and I had this feeling, all the time. 

After two hours or something, BID told me that my actor-singer-writer (new shortcut ASW), told this unlucky lover boy, my secret. 

Why?

What?

How?

Who do you think you are?!

Who do you think you are that it'll be alright if you'll tell a secret?!

A secret that isn't yours?!!

A secret that will make the owner of it, relive it. 

My life is again, on a risk that I don't own. 

But how can it be that, he's, the bullied boy, ASW, can tell a secret that he doesn't own. 

And you know what's the most annoying part of it?

That this boy, shouldn't know it from the first place, a girl that doesn't own the secret told him that. (Bbbff).

It smells like an underground rumor to me. 

Huh, now shit is starting, and starting big. 

And then, everybody is asking me, wondering, how can I hate my life. 

I really can't answer this question, because its not the right question. 

Right now, 99% of my life, I don't control, it's depending on people, on people I hate, on people I don't trust, on people who betrayed me before, on people that want to destroy me. 

At least my biography will be interesting, I just found the comforting part of this hell.

I just felt very Ruby Gloom-ish.

If you don't know who she is, she's the main character in one of the best two gothic/situation-comedy cartoon that's too short and should've stay longer. 

I like Misery, and her relatives, and Poe, the most snobby crow you'll ever had the luck to watch. 

I miss being young. 

Back there, the television had better programs, like about those funny (and sometimes wicked) twins, in their red-white stripe onesie, pulling tricks, and being evil to the annoying mayor's daughter. 

You know, when I read the line "The Sun Under The Sea" I think about crete, I was in a museum there, and they had a dead

Sun fish, huge yellowish fish that is thin and looks like it got chopped in the middle. 

I rather a cat named Luna of two teen witches that lives in immortal guy mansion, and they hate his girlfriend. 

I can't wait to read the next book, I have it, right now it's thirty seconds away from me (close as suicide was), but I won't read until I'm done with Reached, but my brain feels like when Patrick wrote this awful song that pretty much killed a band, it starting to make smoke and smell like that something died in it. 

You know what I hate, insane fans. 

With insane people I can manage (I like them).

With fans I can handle (sometimes, unless their idol is Miley Cyrus after she changed, then the fans my twerk their way away from me).

But insane fans, oh god, I just want to choke then. 

Really, no matter who they like, but if they are obsessed to levels that you will take popcorn to watch their fights with other people, I'll plan my way to kill them. 

The worst I've seen in real life so far, probably One Direction's fans. 

Once I've been in the mall, in the bookstore, searching a copy of the first book of Hush Hush series because I couldn't find it in the library, and I wanted to know how Nora actually got to know Patch, and understand their weird human/victim-fallen-angel/murderer relationship (sneaking into dreams it's unfair against little girls you fucking angelic perv).

So, back to the story, 3 religious girls (I don't need to mention it, but I did), stood there, holding a book, I was like "hmm. Okay.. Whatever..." And then they started to make excitement noises like "oh my gosh!" And "ahhhh!" To this book, this book was a planner, of one direction, and then they kept screaming "oh my god!! Harry!" And on this moment, I just looked at them, and only thought that I'm hearing different music, and keeping to act human, they hearing the common music, and act like this. How the fuck am I the weird one in this?!

And trust me, if it even was nirvana or green day (I guess they are more common than the rest), I would be surprised as well. 

Because I'll just tell it simply. 

NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT WHO YOU ADORE YOU STUPID GROUP OF BITCHES. 

And now imagine Sadie from Awkward. "You're welcome" thing. 

People should know when they look ridiculous, they don't need to stop, I never stop, the show must go on, and my show, it's a 24/7 reality show. 

So, I'd do what I'm good at, crunches and tv. 

Goodnight my dearest berries. 

Berries, Survivors,

 I hope you'll make it.