Best friend?

It's so weird that my bet friend isn't like a level of best friend that other may know.
So I didn't had any heartbreaks today because I were in the genius school today.
Since it semester change I had Chinese learning lesson -awesome!- and I also have the lesson who learned us about that people get used to things and out of those are just like poop.
At the end I had a lesson with a terrible dressing hipster.

I don't say hipsters are bad or dumb or unstylish.
She just was all of the bad traits someone could get.

So she dressed so ugly.
And he speaker with over many times with Hebrew and some English words that seriously (another word she said) pissed me off.

So I've decided to check what's about Midnight Sun (the fifth book of Twilight Saga) and Stephanie -holly women- Mayer said that she will publish it.
So I've decided to read the draft she herself published (not the other ones) in her blog later with Breaking Dawn's album.

I still pray that Itay will dance with me.
He is so perfect.
People say that when you fall in love with someone you ignore their flaws and think the every part of the loved is beautiful.

I adore his lashes that if the gray eyes inside them glance at me butterflies flying, rushing, to go up to my chest and make my heart want to pop.
His dot that he got from pox about the nose bridge seems so matching to him.
His small lips that's definitely soft and silk to kiss with.
His skinny body that is strong.
His hair that always chopped gently and let people see his beautiful face.

He is too perfect to be real.
Too much, that maybe he isn't real.

Maybe I'm in world my mind created while I'm a crazy girl in a weird machine that try to make me feel alive.
Maybe I tried to suicide and therapists try to figure why I did it through cables in my head that shows my memories.
Maybe I'll wake up and see that I'm in love with someone who loves me too named Itay.
And I have terrible nightmares that he don't love me because it's seems so weird that someone like him fall for someone like me.

My only dream is that tomorrow at Yali'd bat mitzvah Itay will ask me for a dance.
Then I'll be ready to die.
Die happy.

Lowercase Letters

I can tell you that if I had balls, I'd were dead or at least in hospital right now.
Emptiness is the only thing I can feel because all the rest is full body with numbness.
I've made mistakes. Truth.
But I won't stop until it became worse.
Here's a song that somehow is.... Perfect.

This song is from a video in YouTube.
About bulling.
I also saw the movie "Cyberbulling".
I can tell my life would be better if I could know.
Because all I feel that I'm doing worse then poop.
I'm ruining a life.
MY LIFE.

Today were mistake to go to Gal's home to Yali's book.
I felt like a tail.
Like a tail.
I don't really believe that they're my friends, they're Taylos.
And at least now I know I'm a fox tail.

If I'll ever had option to change ages and live forever I'll kill myself and leave for another place so I could live as someone else that make Itay love him.

I'll do everything for him.
If he just knew how much I love him.
If he knew and figure I'm nice and if he would love me.

Just one slow dance.
Somewhere alone.
Me and He in my room with song like Let Me Sign (Robert Pattinson) or Everytime (Britney Spears)  or Autumn Leaves (Ed Sheeran).
Dancing.
Close to each other.
My arms on his shoulders and he on my back.

I asked for love.
I pray that he'll give me love like he give to others.
I hate love.
And love hates me.

I wonder if my dad reads minds.
He asked me if everything okay while I thought about suicide.

Maybe We'll dance for the song I will be right here waiting for you.

I wish he would love me.
Just the way I am.
Unpopular.
Strange.
Stupid.
Smart.
Weak.
Hiding.

Just the way I am.
A wimpy girl who over thinking.

So yeah I'm acting to him like we're just friends.
I want him and I want him stop teasing me.
I want him right now!
Just give me love and no one get hurts.

But me.
I always get hurt. 

Poop

Today just were the perfect day to start new attitude.
Laugh from bullies.
Since they really have good jokes, it's better laugh because it's funny.
There's a joke I mad who people misunderstand and today I laughed about it.
After few times a boy came and asked me why I let that everyone to laugh on me, so I said like they can't laugh on me if I laugh back and that's funny.
And the better that he asked.
He couldn't understand.
I did something that is really out the box.
I did something like poop, that what our teacher would say.
I did something that we got used to not to let happen.

The better I had some laughs with Itay.
He laughed and talked to me (which I super love!).
But I still hate one bitch who worse then another girls who ruined my life.
She is trying so hard to be cool and popular so she'll flirt and do somethings that is ice cream (opposite of poop) and I know it's wrong and it's just terrible nature of humanity.
It's cruel laugh what she did it's something that's normal but you don't sure if it's the right thing to do.

I need him and everytime I think about him I have a small smile on my face to remind me who I love and maybe loves me too.

I come with tie (red tie) and everyone didn't understand but I said I like it and it was quiet fun.

I need him right beside me and that one day I'll find me and him in a hug that we'll be smiling and loving.
Because for everytime he loo to the area my heart may pop out of my chest and bleed on the desk.
The moment he'll say that he'll love me I'll cry from happiness or pain (maybe from waiting or just someone step on my step) and I'll say with tears and with weird cry voice that I love him too.
I'll just asked for 3 words.

I love you.

Truth.

I hate people who say I'm not popular or that I'm not pretty or that no one loves me.

Because the saying the harming, disappointing, loud truth.

Sometimes silence is good you know?
Because in my bubble - I am everything I want to be and I could to be and who I am. The real me from inside the shell named body.

I rather beautiful, sweet, cozy and nice lies thousand times more then truth.

Just shut up and you won't say the truth and not the lies. Be a honest man (or woman).

Half brow girl - go!!!

Not cool Brow.

S.O.S!
Help me!
I cut my eyebrow so I have half eyebrow.
So... I know "shit happens" but shit like it?!
I look so stupid.

So today were kinda normal (?)
Today I've found that Itay sit next to Gal (who used to like him [and maybe still]).
If he just set next to me....
I'll be melted and thank to the teacher everyday until he'll sit next to another one.
And I'll make sure to hear every word he says from his beautiful lips.
I'd make sure to hide or show my draws to him.
I'd write lyrics of songs only that he will know what I want him to know.
I'll help him with the homework.
I'll do everything until he'll break my heart again and I'll hate my life.


So today two kids mocked me about someone I created (as a joke) in Facebook.
And I found something I should remember everytime I get annoyed because someone who reminds me and mocks on my past.
I am important enough so people will remember what  I did.
I used to be extremely hot topic under the "people you should mock if you wanna be cool" category.
In the most Bat-mitzvahs there's tons of guys that I don't know and I'm like "Umm... Okay....?" so I'm doing my best in this small circle that's named "Friends"

So there's one guy who like to say shut up to me everytime I talk to the (very nice and fun) vet teacher so I mock this guy back "I'm trying to be cool! Shut up!" with my boy voice that I do for any guy.

I want to make a quote book so I could share sometimes.
I've got this Idea from this website named Snapguide I got to knew this site through their app.
I recommend highly on this thing.

I'll wish you no broken hearts for now.
It's the best you can get so "Shut up!"

Inside Leak

I swear I'm crying inside.
I don't have tears because I use them everytime and they trickling to my inner face.
Or maybe I'm crying backwards.
I get the water from the outside and they flowing to my eyes to my tear sack.

I want and can't.
It's so infuriates.
Maybe that why I cut.
Instead of crying tears I cry blood from my wrist.
The worst part that my tears flowing from the stupid things or the most triggering things, it's impossible to cry when I should because my body against my heart & my head.

I'm happy with my 24 Facebook friends.
I pick them all and defriend people almost all the time.
24 kids and in my class (includes the ones without Facebook) is 31.
I feel that I have privacy and only the people that need to know, know.
There's so much I ignore and it's so good to be out from this society.

And one of the worse things on Facebook is people who likes their own posts.
It's just stupid, and so does for photos and etc.


I hate some people in Facebook.
Like all the girls who takes their own photo like 30 times and everytime effects and with every photo about 100 likes and above 50 comments.
I can't wait that some pedophile from their 376219736935679102874031561089546 friends share them in some pervert site and they would be humiliated.

They don't know a thing about real life.
Starting with common humanity suffer icon, Amanda Todd.

The worst they do is writing a status "I wanna die" they are don't know what is die and pain and what they think the mean of death, of suicide.
Die from bore and writing it this way it's just insult for people who mean it.

I died inside and got back alive after my elixir has found.
Such a shame it's temporarily...


I'll wish for myself to a dream night.
Maybe about being with Lilith and ruin hearts in love and make Itay suffer as I did duffer.
Maybe about being someone for a day.
Maybe to be in Summerland (from Blue Moon the book) and go to the temple-study-place.
Maybe to ask and getting answers from people I don't know their minds.

Maybe I'll find something intreting to write about as a book

Jocks & Nerds

I can't believe I can't get over him.
I'm still in love with an gorgeous asshole.
He hurt one of my greatest friends.
It doesn't mean that I never hurt her. I did, but I did something that isn't worse. I stole her best friend and now the stolen friend is my best friend.
He said something true. But truth hurts.
He said that only popular guys (I prefer to say "jocks with high society and known skills") getting in the Sports Class. Then she asked so who is the nerds? And he answered that guys who guys from other schools don't know.
And it wasn't fair.
Under the belt strike.
She is trying.
She is trying hard.
She take and give anything for being popular and considered the girl your life would be better with because she'll make you an alpha.
It's just wrong.
It's terrible that she becoming a tail.
It's awful she being friend with the same girl who took the boy's hat and I did the thing I shouldn't do but in some heroic way, I had to do.
She isn't a tail, she born to lead.
She is funny.
She is beautiful.
She is smart.
She is unique.

And I wish I could tell her all this.

I know that everyone want to be popular.
And so do I, but I don't notice.

I guess you can't always get what you want...

Blue jeans, White shirt

It does the first sentence from "Blue Jeans" by Lana Del Rey.

But last night was like... Poison?
I just can't -physically- to watch him talking and dancing with someones I hate.
I have very hard and painful past about Taylos like him but worse.
Like in the first and the last kinder-garden.

At the first stupid girl who liked to bullied me. She had two girls with her, her tails. Her name is Shay and I didn't found it necessary to remember the tails.

At the middle It was perfect I had 3 friends that only one came with me to school that was connected to the last kinder-garden.

Then another stupid girl who were -and still- cruel to dark skinned people like me hate me and another girl who is now my very best friend. She bullied me until she saw I don't give a shit.
From there I was in the level that most boys have -and maybe tomboys also- that known as "Gross! Girls!" and I rather to play with the boys soccer instead talking about Bratz.

It's quite funny how she treated to dark skinned, if looking back. Now all she want is be tan while I don't need to put special oils or expensive tanning wipes.
Now they jealous look.

I jealous attention.

It's just seems that only bitches and assholes are deserved to attention -and maybe a hit from a car or slap to their face- and "regular" people just don't deserved for a piece of a fuck that someone will give.

It's just that no matter what it's like lions and lambs lunching together.

Well maybe I'm like this from the book "Blue Moon" that I'm already at page 213 (!) and this Roman guy really pissing off person.

I can't wait.
I'm reading now!

Music

Yesterday I had a Sigal's day.
I was more then 24 hours with Maya and her family.
I met at the skate ramps two guys I like to hang out with. One is Omer, he is 6.5 and he is best in the area. Other one is Nir and he's 12 and we remember each other but we don't know from (at least I don't).
The most thrilling thing is the half moons and the high quarter moons the they are like this L but curvier and we do it by feet.

I guess my cousins were right (and they still), tomboys are cool.
I don't really define myself as a tomboy.
I have many definitions.

It just... Depends.

I've got a costume for Purim!
Purim is the Jewish  Halloween. Instead walking from door to door and asking for candies, people giving us candies and in the city giant ride they are throwing on us candies.

This is my costume.
A navy sailor costume!

Lately I saw Pitch Perfect (great movie!) and really liked the mixes.
I download some songs and editing tools.
Here are my fav's.

Booty Bounce - Dev
Cranck That - Soulja Boy Tell'em
Fuck You - Lily Allen
How We Do (Party) - Rita Ora
Live My Life - Far East Movement ft. Justin Bieber
Please Don't Stop The Music - Rihanna
Poison - Bell Biv DeVoe
Pon De Replay - Rihanna
Pound The Alarm - Nicki Minaj
Replay - Iyaz
Top Of The World - The Cataracts
Wannabe - Spice Girls
Young Forever - Mr. Hudson

Eventually

Like every Friday, English lesson.
After lots of laughs and stares, I figured what it really was.
He didn't look at me (much) he looked to the boy that's behind me.

Questionnaire

I've finished Crescendo.

I've also found that it's a second book from a series.

I didn't came to school today (like yesterday) and I don't know what's up.

I guess I'm logged off from life.

All I know that yesterday -or today?- was -or is?- was he birthday of Yali's and Gal's ex-boyfriend
(his name is Gal so it's quite confusing like Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift that Taylor dump Taylor).

I know my heart isn't broken.

Maybe it's because of time or maybe the chocolate or it's that I felled for our friendship?
I hope it's chocolate, if I felled for friendship I believe that next year if he would be away I'll be broken.

Like passing all over but harder because there's no chance.

Middle school may separate my penguins from me and leave me with people I don't like but I have to be nice for.

I think that Gal will stay with me because we are kind of best friends and every Monday (or it's Tuesday?) she come over after her training to my place.

But most of other guys I'll leave.

Who knows what the future planning?

So today I've also had some interview (?) or questionnaire about teenager females and stress.

Most of questions were quiet funny, they showed OBVIOUSLY about suicide and anorexia.

This questionnaire had about 2 computer stuff and above 300 questions.

I almost laughed from half of he questions. Example:

I felt that I'm worthless*(then circle from 1-5 how much)*

I felt that I want to die  **

I had to stop the feeling to laugh so all I had is small grin and smiles.

Angel wings nails (I did them)

Here a song from twilight that isn't grumpy or sad or dramatic

An Item that would be very nice of you to buy for me.

Another Item that would be very nice of you to buy to me.

And an another Item that would be very nice of you to buy to me.

Weaker

I feel lost (and sick).

It's lie that the winter is the perfect time of the year to ruin lives.

I really feel that anytime I'll die.

Today after the 1 minute visit in the orthodontist that said that because many of my baby teeth didn't fall yet it's not the time to put my braces, my dad and I went to check our cousin that got ear infection and we went also to the anxiety group therapy and I got it pretty good!

So I heard at the way back home a heart tearing story.

Someone that my father and his workmates working with doesn't pay them in time.

The man who called don't have money to pay.

The man that owe the money need to pay something about 6,000 bucks to my dad and his workmates.

The same one who called can't pay for his kids food.

Imagine that you're forced to cause pain to you beloved. I can't handle it very well (unless I want they feel pain, then it's cool).

I feel guilt for everytime I said to my parents that I hate them or I've insulted them.

Since now I'll hug them a little harder, I'll talk with him a little longer.

So I have a book recommendation the book named Crescendo by Becca Fitzpatrick.

It's angel themed so it worth a check.

Angel

   What do you think about this angel?

Nevermind.

iBook

I really hate people who write the same letter for something like... Thousand times!
I meant like writing "I luvvvv you guysssss!" you spelled love and guys wrong and why you do it? For being "cool"? It's not cool, it's dumb.
Even my friends -including from the genius school- doing this crap.
I hate when people do it. It's not cute because you write it like fools, it's cute because you say that you love the people that matters to you.

I want to do something that complete the hole, cause for now I feel stupid if I'm  looking backwards.
I saw one day I woke holding my body tight so I won't fall apart or something.
I saw that I had a dream about me and Itay together.
I saw that Twilight really messed my mind -literally-.
I saw everything I did since Dec 16 2012.
And it's not only seeing. I can remember.
I remember that I've just like a bitch -in my own definition- doing everything that those stupid girls do.

I'm confused from them.
Like, I'm the only one who is aware to the world? Only I can feel pain of others? Only I can suffer for others?


So to have this thing productive, some books in the apple system my iBook books (that I didn't read yet):

• Beautiful Sins // Jennifer Hampton
• Broken // Dean Murray
• The Fallen Star (Fallen Star Series) // Jessica Sorensen
• Insight // Jamie Magee
• Raven // Suzy Turner
• Remedial Magic // Jenna Black
• The Soulkeepers // G. P. Ching
• Starfire Angels (Starfire Angels Series) // Melanie Nilles
• Turned // Morgan Rice
• UnEnchanted // Chanda Hahn

Years

Another day in the 365 days circle.
I wonder how many time I'll be like it. Fragile, weak, numb.
I'm deleting everybody that I shouldn't delete.
People says that love (falling in love) lasts 3 years.
So that's what I'm walking to? I ended the first year few weeks ago and now what?
Two more?  I'm not crazy to keep it like as it now.
Damaged girl - I am.

Appear

***
Please.
Please be there.
Appear.
Hold me tight when I'm crying and don't let me go.
I'm scared and nobody understand, I don't mean that you will -I know reality- but just hold me and let me lean on your shoulder and know that everything will be okay because you'll whisper it to my year anytime a weep came out from my lips and then became to a silent cry.
I'm happy and I want people to know. Actually I want you to know and ask me tons of questions to make sure that I had great time because there's no way you'll stay aside while someone hurting me.
I'm terrified when I'm waking up and you're gone, like my real life is a nightmare while when I'm asleep the life I want is turning on again.
How many times I can be silence when I know I have much to say to you.
But like you say, "Who cares?" when someone say something stupid, you won't care and I fee dead when you'll said all the bad things about me awhile I forget the good side and know every word is truth.
You'll say I'm fat - I'll starve to death only to you to like me.
You'll say I'm geek - I'll fail at school only you to say I'm cool.
You'll say I'm ugly - I'll kill myself so you will never have to suffer when you'll look at my 'ugly' face.
You're my whole world (for now and for probably the next few years)  and you are for me like the wilting rose from "The Beauty and the Beast".
I'll wait for you to say you love me.
I can bet that I'll just stand shocked and after it I'll remind myself how stupid I was when you told me you love me and I stand like a goddamn sculpture.
I love you.
And I'll keep loving you.
From the only girl that can say it.
***

Lately I really like to make letters that no one will see and be able to laugh on me.
It's better.
It's remind me the last night dream (the one that I remember because the other one was beautiful and I forgot).
I'm sure that somehow Jacob -yes, twilight hits again!- know that Dmitri is going to kill Edward while he go to do something -maybe buying a car or getting fake IDs- he telling it  to Bella and she know there's no chance he'll comeback.
Jacob making 3 necklaces with different signs.
The first have weird shape of U with a wave that symbol 'Orphan' from a white gem.
The second one it's a pair of hands that if standing it in the right direction the hand show heart sign from silver with a rock alike top coat.
The third necklace is a big dark red rare gem and frame with small white and black diamonds.
Then my mother waked me.

From left to right: Ido, me, and Itay
Made with BuddyPoke

Super Powers

I want o found my life meaning.
I want to know it and live to be the girl that my life meant to have.
I want to use fast-forward when I need it and not when I'm doing nothing.

Imagine how cool it be if we could fast forward in life.
Like in the XL - Life in fast forward commercial.
Like you think about a time through the next 10 years or the time until you born.
If I had super power -any power I want- I'll need to think a lot about it.
Like it's everything! From attracting albino giraffes to be magnetic or from living on fast forward to steal shapes (like of people or objects or animals).
I think that no one can pick immediately his lifetime super power.
I can even see people pick powers from movies (being great at bow & arrow or the powers in beautiful creatures that I didn't read yet) they must look like fools. Imagine how sweet it would be if someone make his power to be the power of the boyfriend of the girl from his girlfriends favorite movie.
 Best super power: Be able to steal and save powers.

I want to have a super power but with side effects because when it's without a side effects it's to good to be real.
I don't mind to do stupid or dangerous things for having awesome super power.
Like if I need to do a spell that I need to the star from the blood and whisper "Oomana taricota" or something -  I don't mind it!

I like Draw Something.
I play it with my sister.
I did today few pictures to my book album (I do it instead of doing and sharing it in a fancy Bat-Mitzvah), It's  private and free and its perfectly matching to my style.

Did I told about the Bat-Mitzvah thing? I think I didn't.
I don't really think it's necessary Bat-Mitzvah.
It's just a Bar-Mitzvah that one spoiled tween girl that got jealous at the huge birthday her brother had a huge birthday when he became 13.
I'll do a small birthday.

Autumn leaves

Another tear
Another cry
Another place for us to die
It's not complicated

Another life that's gone to waste
Another light lost from your face
It's complicated

Is it that it's over or do birds still sing for you?
Float down
Like autumn leaves
Hush now
Close your eyes before the sleep
And you're miles away
And yesterday you were here with me


Isn't Ed Sheeran is a genius?
It's just better with music.
I think this song is about someone who don't have reason to live so he's all bitter about life and he don't understand why when the one he love is sound him his life complete again, why everything brighter.

Maybe it's my lyric meaning of autumn leaves but it's only because that's what I feel.
My life is brighter when he is around.

I can write thousand times on my wall his name and stare the wall for hours.
I just want to have him by my side every time. I don't want a kiss or something alike I just want him to say "I missed you".

- – — • — – -
"Bye!" I yelled to my friend after he walked me to the road.
I started to kick bitterly in poor dirty white rock.
I lipsync myself jar of hearts of Christina Pedro while I saw his face.
"Do you want to come to the movie out ?" He asked,
"With who?"
"Me, Ben, mika, Itay, luli... You know…"
"I don't think that I want it" after all I hate those piece of shitty people.
"So just us and Sarne and his girlfriend?"
"Sounds better" I said almost crying from joy of being in double date.
"So it's ok that I'll get to you home at four and then we'll go to the cinema?"
"Yeah, I think..."
"Okay. Um… see you at four!"
I can't believe I have a double date with the most popular guys!
*3:50 pm*
Clothes? On! Money? Have! iPhone? Charged? Ready? Yes!
"Hey"
"Hi!" I said excited
"Are you ready?"
I mumbled my list and answer that I am.
"You know I missed you?" He said to break the thick ice from silence.
"No."
"Well, I do. And now you know"
I blushed and stretched to see the time.
"It's about time to go to Sarne and this girl…"
"Yes… do you want on my scooter or you'll ride yourself?" He pointed on my skate board.
"Your scooter sounds good"
"Let's go"

He didn't told me the movie is scary.
Most of time he asked me if I'm okay an I lied and said in fine, he asked if I want that he'll tell me when the scary parts.
"Is it over?" I asked after I heard the blood freezing scream that made me squish his hand.
"Yes" he whispered to my ear.
I stared at his eyes that was one inch away from me.
I get my head closer to his until a scream disturbed our kiss
- – — • — – -

I remember that Maya kissed Itay in the mouth.
It's furious that I feel? Because I really want to kill her and take this kiss to myself.

I wish that night will be over in a sweet illusion that Itay is right next to me keeping me from all the bad dreams and look at me an wait to the morning to watch me rising.

How can I stay alive while the time I'm without him?
Because I know that I'll see him.

The legs in the picture s his legs, I saw him running though my street.

Tell me 1/7/2013

Tell me if you're joking.
You're my body and my heart and you making me to do something so wrong, so devastating.
Waking up with really strange position.
I'm on my stomach and my head turn left, my left arm hold the part between my shoulder to the elbow on the right arm, the right arm holder my belly side with the ring finger and the pinky.
You know what I remember the most of this position.
Bella in NEW MOON try to stop herself breaking.
I'm dying today to know what I will feel. Maybe I'll really die from this feel.

Birthday weeks 2/? 1/11/2013

So today was a bat-mitzvah of two girls, popularity bitchest bitch girl and nice less popular girl.
So it was awesome. Defiantly.
I had fun and been crazy.
I got jealous (of course!) on the couples who danced at slows and more at the girl that got Itay's attention and danced with him.
So in the end, while we set in the bus I've decided that's a cool idea to get in the bus weird top shelves.
So I get into.
I don't know if I got Itay's attention but his cousin attention.
I was (and am) seeking for attention.
I hope one of the scripts be true.

•••••••••••••
I saw you talking right behind me, I thought about what I'm going to do.
How I will "break the ice"? How will I make you laugh? How you can be mine?...
"What? What Itay? What did you say?" I started with his joke "did you say that you want to dance with me? What?",
Why are you blushing?
"Are you serious?" And on your face were an expression I couldn't figure.
"Huh?" What the hell is he talking about?!
You took my hand and lead me to the dance floor, right next to the most popular couple I swear I could see their so inappropriate shock in their wide opened mouthes in my mind.
"Ahhh?.." I started to feel the heat up on my cheeks again "Itay?"
"Yeah?" You asked while putting your hands gently on my lower back.
"Nothing" I replied shortly and crossed my arms around his neck. Closest I could to.
"Just nothing..." I mumbled and smiled.
"Why are you dancing with me?" I asked quietly,
"I don't know, I like you maybe?"
"What?!" I was overwhelmed "really?!"
"Yes" you replied calm so I would relax.
"I like you too" I said and put my head on his shoulder and crossed my arms around his head, tears felled from my eyes.
I whimpered silently.
"What's wrong?" You asked half surprised and half worried,
"Nothing. Really nothing. It's just that, it's too perfect."
"Just like you." You hugged me tightly and kissed my neck from up to down and for every kiss he made a few beautiful words from every time of cascada.
•••••••••••••••

Love beats in my heart
You like cupids dart
I love you so bad
So I become mad
Them you accidentally fart.

Decisions... Decisions...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If I want to have YouTube vlogs I have two options.

I can let this dream go,

Or I can start making videos and ideas.

If I'll start making videos and ideas nothing will happen.

But if I'll let this dream go I have two options.

I can get better at school,

Or I can fail and leave school.

If I'll get better at school nothing will happen.

But if I'll fail I have two options.

I can try to get a job,

Or I can become a hobo.

If I'll get a job nothing will happen.

But if I'll become hobo I have two options.

I can get addicted to drugs,

Or I can try to recover.

If I'll try to recover nothing will happen.

But if I'll get addicted to drugs I have two options.

I can die,

Or I can die.

If I'll die there's the end of the story.

UPSHOT- I'll better start this YouTube.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

***Inspired by "When a Monster is Born" by Sean Taylor***

**To the review in Google Books**

So I seriously have two options, the first one is to use my video cam or I can buy one at the spring.

Then I have another two options, the first one is to record on the desk or I can record to the puff zone.

After it I have another two options, the first one is to wear casual (what I wore to school) or I can change the shirt to something else.

Then I have two options, the first one is to talk about my life or I can talk about random stuff.

Anyway I need to pick.

Maybe I poke a pickle with a sharp stick that the end with fire.

I love the lyrics for the song Lovesong of Adele.

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel like I am home again

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel like I am young again

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel like I am fun again 

However far away I will always love you

However long I stay I will always love you

Whatever words I say I will always love you

I will always love you 

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel like I am free again

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel like I am clean again 

However far away I will always love you

However long I stay I will always love you

Whatever words I say I will always love you

I will always love you 

However far away I will always love you

However long I stay I will always love you

Whatever words I say I will always love you 

I'll always love you

I'll always love you

Cause I love you

Love, love, love...

I feel that is a true song.
I feel free and complete and fun when I'm with him.

I feel stupid.

Who the fuck fall in love in the 5th grade that much??

It's been a year and I'm like this! It's not a crush that my friends have! It's love!

Maybe it's no the right type of love, it's quite possibly.

I'ts the harming love. The love that hit you with a car over and over until you barf a full kidney.

To damage your meniscus in purpose.

Meniscus is a part in your knee.

So what should I do today?

I refuse to do anything productive today.

I'm checking apps in iTunes I'll might share some.

Give Me Love, I love you

Late Night

The Beast Within by Edward Levi (vampireesq)Maximum Ride by James Patterson

And I thought the doctor named Edwardo was funny.
This is seriously hilarious.

While I'm searching books that similar to twilight I mean to romance nobles and stuff not vampires! Who the fuck care about a person that use the trick in the face lifting commercials in YouTube and have really weird teeth.
I have those teeth in the lower line of teeth.

So why it's funny?
The names. Edward and Patterson.
I'm was like THE FUCK?!

*Nice song from my iTunes [from twilight breaking dawn part 1 album]*

Bad ass bella like in hillywood really match.

Or maybe stripping.

Or maybe bella stripping.

Hyperactive child with sugar around the streets - that would be me.

Wikia!

So I made a wiki on wikia of DIY and here my first one about Special holiday card!
So i'm really excited and I want to put for you songs that are really awesome but they are in Hebrew.
I hope you'll survive.
The last song is English.

Movie Girl // Drunk Hobo

White lips, pale face
Breathing in snowflakes
Burnt lungs, sour taste
Light's gone, day's end
Struggling to pay rent 

Long nights, strange men
And they say
She's in the Class A Team
Stuck in her daydream
Been this way since 18
But lately her face seems
Slowly sinking, wasting
Crumbling like pastries
And they scream
The worst things in life come free to us
Cause we're just under the upper hand
And go mad for a couple of grams
And she don't want to go outside tonight
And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland
Or sells love to another man
It's too cold outside
For angels to fly
Angels to fly

So I've decided that the information I gave you wasn't enough.

While my friends ate pizza on he lounge I kinda bet about nothing that I can hang myself upside down on the fence. So I did it.
I laughed as much as drunk hobo will laugh.
Then I talked with the guard named "Mark" (or maybe "Marc"?).

I want to share with you part that I'm very proud of;
One guy took someone (who is counted as geek) hat and with another chubby tall popular girl, I saw he tried to get his hat so I did what people in movies would do, I asked insouciance "*his name* are they disturbing you?" I didn't wait for an answer and I took the party sunglasses of the boy who took the hat and brought it to the hat-less boy the girl succeed to take the glasses from my hands after a minute or two, while they walking I knew that they think I'm crazy and laughing, I knew that I won.

I can tell you that when I saw Itay dance at slow I smiled from some reason that I don't remember, at least I know that he don't love any of them - he just being cool.

Today at the last 2 lessons I laughed a lot with him, I felt the friendship gets stronger.
We were a small laughing group that I can be sure that everyone wanted to be in and tried to find a way while the way is laugh. It was me, Itay, Gal and the clown of the class.
I felt relived so much.

I guess that how it is in when you're addicted to drugs.
My favorite is called Love and the other one Itay.
I found that the Itay kind of planet is likely to change tastes every few years until it settled and the Love is kind that lasts forever.

Pink pills

I'll think I'll buy a pink candies and shape them like this and take a pill box only to do the think like in the photo.

Enjoy from this weekend and from Jackie /|\

Australia's Hot Men Company

Today we're pretty good.

At the morning I met Key-Key's cousins.

One is one year older (7th grade) and he other two years younger (4th grade).

He is one of the "guys". His beautiful National Geographic (Australian) accent can make me melt. His little teasing that irritates me -and  to my heart beats- are so cute.

I have a crush.

Australian people are just born hot.

So I think I'm getting Itay back. As a friend and I feel better with my penguin.

He talked and I laughed, I talked and he laughed, I set next to him ad he wasn't against.

Today I discovered that I really good at throwing small objects for a 20 feet range to a small dot.

How I know it?

One boy throw on Itay a weird baby acorn and it hit me, so I throw it back on him -strongest as I can- and it hit him exactly in the forehead -like in David and Goliath- so he cried.

After it few guys compliment my throwing skills and one high-fived me.

I decided that I better at hunting someone more then throwing; So if you want to mess up with me - you'll be better fireproof bulletproof and be able to run at 200 mph with your feet.

I have already 3 complete albums in iTunes.

Adele's 21, Christina Perri's Lovestrong, and The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 1: (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack).

Wishes & hopes

*Yesterday*

I wish one day someone break your heart (my love's heart) and you'll feel just like me.
I wish more that one day I'll be able to console you.
I wish the most that one day that I console you and you'll be heart broken and you'll ask "that's how you felt?" And I'll say "yes but not at the first time, one year later when you had a girlfriend" and you'll cry and say barely breathing "I'm so sorry".

But I will always hope that no one feel like this.
Specially not you and I'll need to watch and know.

"Remember that one time Yali want that she and her boyfriend wanted that we dance with them?"
"Mmhmmh..." You said with small breath you had to stop before you'll cry.
"And remember when the dancing teacher needed to find you a partner and everyone pointed at me?"
"Yes.."
"Do you also remember that you cried?"
"Sorry..."
"It's okay but remember that everyone have it. It's another part of life."
I've decided that's the time to show him my wrist, the only way you'll understand that I'm here.
"You see those? Those are my scars."
"I caused you this?" You gasped and whined.
"Not really. The only see you caused..." I lift more my sweatshirt to my elbow an showed him when he knock me down after I slapped him.
"I remember" you said, smiling and rubbing hand on you right cheek where I slapped you long time ago.
"Those are I caused because I had so pain."
"Because of me..." You blamed again yourself.
"No!" I can't tell him it's really him.
"I did it! I did it! - not you! Not you." I yelled.
"Do you remember my eyes look?"
"Yes? But they are just like now..." You stopped and gasped again
"Who is it?"
"You." I whispered so quietly, hoping no one will here.
You looked up again and try to figure my face expression, while I tried yours.
"Really?" You whisper a little louder.
I blushed and the heat get to my ears and cheeks.
"Yes"
"How?" You talked in normal voice again.
"What how?"
"How can you love me after I did you all of this" he grabbed my arm and pointed in my scars.
"I don't know, it's my heart not my brain."
"Don't you hate me?!"
"I did… sorta , I keep saying that I'm in love with someone I hate an I hate someone I'm in love with."
He laughed embarrassed.
"Do you want to make a voodoo doll of the someone who broke your heart?" I asked amused from the idea of hurting someone.
"Not really. I want to be with her."
"Let's go for...?"
You looked in my eyes and closed your face any moment closer. You kissed me and I let myself do whatever I want.
I put my right arm on his hair and the left on his neck.


I wish you'll read this.
Or maybe I'll have the balls to show you this.

Red white & black coat boy

I feel so low these days.
What I'm having could be worst.
I can try to tell you my day with my -not really good- writing skills.

***
I woke to dim shouts of my family and a loud thunder.
I was quite surprised that my music didn't stayed, when I check my phone I founded a fainted phone that stayed all night for my calm night.
At school the first thing I saw was a short hair boy with huge puffy red-white-&-black coat that I know mostly as my love.
I looked at this same boy doing what he always do - his late homework.
At the first two hours my sit in school replaced to one table behind you.
I felt like in heaven. In the garden, with the forbidden fruit; I can take you, but it would be wrong.
After you even listened to me and I felt like an angel blow me a kiss of hope directly to my heart.
I came home and wanted to cry. When you not around me - you're not mine anymore.
Outside you have a girlfriend that is considered better then me, prettier, taller, smarter, sexier. Everything that make him love her.
***

So I tried to cut today with sharper things like knives that really sharp and the sharpest tool is the same tool I always used.
I'm so depressed.
I wish I had someone that I know but don't know. I mean that someone that help me and understand me but don't tell or know the reason I'm depressed.
There are so many shades and colors in me when I speak English.
If the one that I need be -at least- my friend again and help me without knowing the reason I'll be complete. I felt so hard for our friendship and for him.

I found 2 penguins already.
One from best friend camp (Gal) and that one that best guy friend (my love).
Sometime I wish I could found the elixir of Cassie and Adam.

I wish I had him back but like in the scene or book page that I wrote last post.

I am so amazed from dreams. It's like in avatar (the blue guys) that when they "sleep" in the machine they waking to another charter like a new universe.

I'm not like people think I am.
I'm twice deeper.
Like a pool. As more you get more in you see new things and found I'm deeper.

I want to bleed fatness.
So low price.
With to good sided; losing fat and bleeding.


Take a glass of juice or water and read this quietly (or loudly)
"I want to give this cup a meaning, that like this juice get into my throat that how the love get into my heart. Cheers"

Love and live
Forgive and forget
Thank and think.
(Without the second things)

Ghost

I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most
I'm a shell of a girl that I used to know well

Seriously today was a weird-bad-good day.
Today he wasn't in school.
I can't know what I feel when the reason that makes me feel not around.


I'm really pissed of right now.
Why can't I have an internet camera?!
I'm not stripping or something, right?!
I just want have a vlog in YouTube with iPhone and gadget and stuff like this.
I don't ask for much.

And why can't I have the charger while you don't using it?!
It's my charger!

If I won't get a permission for camera from my parents, I'll buy it myself and hide it from you.
Just like I always do.

I do everything to keep myself satisfied.
If not me, who will be?

By the way real Emos can say they're Emos that they saying it that meaning they aware for themselves.
So random people, shut the fuck up! (I don't like shortcuts of the I don't know what society)

Everytime 1/6/2013

I adore old Britney Spears.
Her song, Everytime, made me cry.
I am so stupid.
Emotional in nights.

Here are the lyrics.
I hope one day you'll be reminded in this post while you feel like me and hear this song.

Notice me
Take my hand
Why are we
Strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me?

Everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I make believe
That you are here
It's the only way
I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song is my sorry

Ohhhh

At night I pray
That soon your face
Will fade away

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby


~from the best lyric site, AZLYRICS~


I am sick.
And it excepted at the medical diseases list "broken heart" isn't a metaphor anymore.
I have all the syndromes for now.
Worst then last time.
The worst part is that it's again.
I feel so weak.

*almost start crying loud*
*stoping my self*
*crying*

Without my wings I feel so small.

I fell for my best guy friend.
I fell for someone the in higher league.
I fell for a Taylo.

-Taylo is a nickname from the tail the presents someone who have crew that agree for everything. The alpha male in the group.-

I hate Taylos I remember so fresh the Taylo who ruined my life.
I fell and the love made me blind.

I don't have many reasons to live any longer.
-Future. Time healing anything (but cancer, time healing everything but cancer)
-My best friend <3
-My family


So tomorrow I might buy a video cam for my laptop so I could make YouTube vids.
I hope soon I could film something about my feeling.
I think I'll wear tomorrow black shirt jeans and hoodie & a brown boots & blue jeans or red jacket.
Razor in my pocket.

And everytime I try to fly I fall
Without my wings I feel so small
I guess I need you baby.
💔

So... Is it real?

Yes. It's real.

Broken heart is real.

In article I just read it written that broken heart may contain:

• Suicidal thoughts
• Emptiness
• Staring in space that shows there's no connection to reality
• Crying
• Depression

Of course that was more bu I picked the 5 that presents me.

Suicidal thoughts - Been there, done that.

Emptiness - Been there, done that.

Staring in space that shows there's no connection to reality - Working on it.

Crying - I do't have tears from some reason.
Depression - Been there, still there.

So I'm not in school because I'm sick.

I think that what I felt at Friday was the calm before the storm.

Why it happen to me now?

It's something that fourteens have! Not a 6th grader!

Those it even make sense?!

If I could take the red pill -like in Matched- and forget.

Or if I could take the elixir that Cassie and Adam drink, and don't love you anymore.

Or f I could take my love in loneliness, and don't needing you.

I can say that cruelty is on the streets.

see a comment I commented on:

Top Comments

• 
  This has been flagged as spam hide • 

  serg re 9 hours ago

  i wish shed die

   · 
• 
  Dvash Abarbanel 1 second ago

  She saved my life.

  What did she did to you?!

  Nothing bad she did for you.

  Do you even know how many people she saved?! Did you know what she did?!

  Don't ever say something like that, specially for someone who passed real pain.

  People like you make Amanda Todd kill herself.

  Be ashamed.

   ·  in reply to serg re (Show the comment)

I hate this Serg Re guy! Hate him!

I really want to kill him, and anyone like him too.

I hope that Sunday (for you it's supposed to be Monday) of hell be fine

Have a gingerbread penguin.

Peace out.