New Year

My scones are so delicous!
But one problem with it.
They will cause a binge.

I almost had binges today.
I'm so proud of myself for not having them!
I took mine with a tsp of honey.
It's something I won't recommend to anybody, unless they have enough self control.
Not something I will give to BED fighters.

But I did something bad today.
I'm ashamed of it.
I ate 717 calories so far!
I feel like shit!
AND I ATE 1/2 OF MINI GLUTEN FREE CHOCOLATE SUGARY THING.
I'm awful.
I feel like I destroyed everything.
My sister opened it and I had to try it to know if I'd like it.
I partly did.
At least in the morning I jogged for 35 minutes.
I need to jog some now.
I feel like an abbertion.

But I know how to make it better.
Jog for 30-40 minutes.
It will bring me to net of under 300, which is great!
Then I'd be able to eat 500ish snacks.
Will include dinner and my tv show food, to not worry my mother.
I'll eat yogurt berry ice cream (tomorrow it's the chocolate banana one!), and the rest of my fruit salad (I considered it all alreay earlier).
And with the last piece of my incredible scone!
I guess it wasn't that bad.

But I learned few recipes today!
Like flat bread or tortillas.
In the moment I'll make them, I'll use them as blinches and put some juicy fruit.
Or as a meat wrap (super yum and cheap!), with chicken breast and tomatoes and lettuce and pickles and tomato sauce.
OR AS PIZZA.
Endless choices!
Even with hummus and eggs!
Brilliant recipe.

I can share it with you.
But not yet.
When I'll make it you'll know it.

I feel full.
Note to self:
Cous cous is filling enough, all needed is something slightly wet with it, sauce or salad, even oil with something delicous.

I shouldn't eat the chocolate thing.

And the chicken & the cous cous.
They are seperate.
Well.
You cannot turn back the time.
You can only learn and make an error to an answer for the unasked question!
I like it better.
Because you didn't failed if you understood something was wrong.
You did even better if you found the problem.

...


Today, I got 72 on history.
I know I shouldn't be surprised, after all, I miss a lesson every week, and it's about  Jesus, and how the fuck am I supposed to care about what he said, like yeah, he was pretty smart, and understood differently the rights and wrongs, but I was a  bit dissapointed.
Like, really?
It doesn't matter that I don't care about the test.
But I do care about the final grades, the ones that will make the highschool want me!
I know I'm just a seventh grader, and I got time, but I'm still the seventh grader who self harmed, that reads eating disorders websites, and watches constantly about mental disorders reaserches on TV.
I find it terrifying to know somebody with BDD.
Body Dismorphyc Disorder.
For all the hypochondreics here.
IF YOU ARE TEENS IT'S NOT NECCESSARY  IT, EVERYBODY FEELS IT SLIGHTLY, BUT WHEN IT GOES TO THE WAYS WHERE YOU KNOW THAT THEY ARE SAVED ONLY BY THEMSELVES AND PILLS, IT IS IT.
This is a disease, that makes you find a terrible fuck-up, or invent one, and your whole life you are stressed because of it, an endless paranoya, being afraid that people will look at it.

....


I can smell it.
The smell of a breaking family.
It's how I'll describe the taste of grief, emptiness, but with a bit of sweet and a bit of sour, like a pineapple.
It's very sweet, but very sour, making your tongue to twitch a bit in contact, and it's burning a bit of your tongue, pain and pleasure.

I don't know why am I still feeling a little happy.
Why just a little?
I feel sad, and slightly empty, hollow, but with it, what I wanted is happening.

I don't know how to describe it.

But it doesn't matter.
Today I failed at the eating.
CRAP.
I need to get my prioreties straight.
First is future.
It includes looks, joy, brains.
Then there's everything else.
First the important things.

I hate myself.
No food tomorrow.
One vegtable.
I'm going to make the foods.
Barely eat.
And on the afternoon I'll jog as much as possible (because tomorrow morning I have a 600 meter run).
I have to.
I'm failing where I shouldn't.
No more fats.
Tomorrow no chocolate.
Tomorrow no excesive food.
It's a foolish mistake.

I feel like an error.
And the worst?
I know what causes it.
And I won't give myself the cure.

I found it.

I know it even from trying it.
screaming into a pillow.
I feel that there are infinite number of reasons that I've done it.
cold shower.
Freezing.
I want it.
I can't manage to work this way.

My way to calm down is to make food.
And I'm not allowed to do it often.
So, the fact that you don't let me make and be productive, makes me want to die.
Wow!
Thanks mother!
You just made me even more miserable!

....

I want to die.
Do you know that feeling, where you close your eyes, long enough, and you know that there are tears in your throat, dying to get out, and you get chills on your back because you know you can't do it anymore.
So you try to cry.
But not even a single tear comes out.
Do you know it?
I wish you didn't if you do.

Tomorrow I'm going to make a 120 run.
A whole movie run!
Yup!
Well, I know that it's enjoyable.
Making me not to eat for two hours.
And I'll do it like that:
School, homework, making food, eating a bit, going to room, running, computer shit, stuff and so until about six, dinner, computer shit, and before shower the split stretches, shower, crunches, in bed, finish post, sleep.

I feel like a failure.
Today was a shitty day.

But a bad day is not a bad week.
And a bad week is not a bad month.
And a bad month is not a bad year.
And a bad year is not a bad decade.
And a bad decade is not a bad a bad century.
And a bad century is not a bad millenium.
Shortly, one fuck up is not the end of the world as we know it!
But It's not good.
I feel like I'm a complete failure.


....

There's a page, few girls are trying to make 2014 binge free.
I'm joining.
I have to!
And tomorrow we start.

I remember last year.
The pain of failing with your friend.
When I still had her...

I miss her.

I'm going to get her this year.

....


Crap I feel the food still sitting in my stomach.
Mixing with it's own juices.
Gross.


....


At least I done a bit of crunches.
Tomorrow will be a new year.

Good luck then.


Happy new year.


Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Balance?

This is joy.
Because this is what I call balance.
I burn calories and eat enough to survive.

I ate around 800 calories today.
It's a lot.
I know.
But I burnt around 700 calories.

I listened to myself.
I told yes to myself when I said no to outside body metrialistic lies with urge for food.
I'm full now.
I almost tasted the banana ice cream I made.
Tomorrow is the amount of fruits that I want.
I think I'd enjoy tomorrow from a no breakfast (like always, but it's good for me, so I won't be in complete pain), and school meal will be the most fantastic enjoyable one.
HOME MADE SIMPLE SCONE.
I'd eat it with honey.
It will be cut into three, and I'll eat it like that:
1 pre-practice
1 post-practice
And one for my open time (if I'd be hugry midday, or want something afternoon!)

At home I'd enjoy a bit of couscous with chicken breast.
For mid day snack I'll eat the third scone piece, right before I go on for that guy's place for that stupid literture project.
Fucking stupid ballads!
And for dinner, probably mushroom salad if there will be left some and with it a fruit or something if I'd still be hungry.
I like planning.
It makes me to actually listen to myself.
I'm now walking to my room so I will be able to write it.

In my book.
Obviously.


I feel too full.
It's good and bad.
It's good because I won't eat anymore.
But it's bad, I feel heavy, and disgusting.
Note to self:
Dinner won't be eaten at any cost after 5:45.
And if thinking about it:
No breakfast before 9:30.


.....


WHAT'S WORNG WITH YOU FUCKING COMMERCIAL EDITORS?!
WHY THE FUCK WOULD I LIKE TO GO TO A DJ'S CONCERT IF YOU ALMOST GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK?!


I found another reason to lose weight!
I'm going to write it in that book.
Reason number 1# to be thin:
So when I'll be fifteen, I'd be able to go outside at my sister's Bat Mitzvah, and will be able to meet foreign guys and girls my age.

I always underestmate the acoustic versions of everything.
It always sounds like the purest part of music.
It sounds less edited.
I will prefer with the original instrumetns (I don't know if the beatles did acoustic versions, but in some songs they inserted foriegn instruments to their music, so taking them off and leaving one or two will destroy it all).
Like, I don't know what each one played, but if you record each one seperatley, or alltogether.
Cut off the voice editing/note editing (it feels more alive when there are mistakes and breathing, and all the other things that human do), and let it be published in a very limited edition.
Make it a huge thing.
Have a weird party with a themed vip party -depends on the genre mostly-,and a super vip room.
Like there's a carpet in the entry, the wall is patterened with sponseres, names, signatures of guests and alike.
Then, entering, lights, white and black and some metallic looking color to break the boredrom.
There's a bar, clothed for the genre.
Then, stairs with a bouncer.
From there, a nice large room.
Private bar.
The most important room is there.
The party makers, their workers, a bartender, their friends and different important people, like celebrities from all kind of places.
There's a huge sofa there, with bed endings on each side.
Few couches.
The floor have a double glazed super strong window to the party downstairs.
There's a tv, speakers, instruments, microphones, wardrobes, all the shit for a decent sweet sixteen stuff on MTV.

I should be giving those tips one day.

Party hosting 101 for the rich and famous.


....

I want to get it.
And I'm planning to get it.
The difference from now and from the last ones are that I'm actually saying no to binges, saying no to overeating, excrisising, and now I'm thinking differently, as well eating.
I'm not my year old self.

I checked up what happened after I'm Not Hungry.
It's something with weird deformation of the word 'party'.
I self harmed.
Funny, there I was surprised how fast my cuts healed (of course they did, I barely cut, it was more like skin unattached.
Now I noticed with my weird possesed scratches one, it looks weird.
Like, there's my skin, there's a weird pink flesh colored skin, and few weird looking white ones inside.


I guess I was meant to be that teen.
We all know statics.
1 out of xxx kids self harmed.
1 out of xxx kids starved himself.
1 out of xxx did yyy.
I'm the one of the xyz.

I want to lose weight from another reason.
I see it on Sundays Mondays and Wednessdays, and occasionaly on the rest of the school days.
There's a girl named Tamara.
SHE'S FUCKING FAT.
I don't know why, but I'm hundred recent sure that our bodies look the same.
The same jiggly fat thighs.
EW.
The same thighs I saw five minutes ago when I pushed them up and they looked slender, gorgeous, my dream ones, they became jiggly, no matter what I tried.
I panicked.
Why shouldn't I if thinking about it?
I WAS A FUCKING FAT COW.
Since that yesterday I binged, all my progress was dead.
I got my thigh like that again.
Now I'm doing it again.
Until I'd be good.

....

A bit before the shower I had enough time for 3.5 minute jog, and split stretch. 

At the shower I did 50 crunches, I'm not willing to consume an hour for 200 crunches in the shower. 

I'd rather jog one hour in front of the tv watch something funny, or interesting, a food show or a disorders one. 

Well, it's night. 

I'm going to be on mpa for a while and hope to wake up at 5.

Berries, survivors,

I hope you'll make it. 

2000+ and memory

We went over 2000 views!
WOW.
This is pretty awesome.
I'm kind of surprised.
Well, it feels just like that a month ago it was 1000!
And it's so weird.

Well, just continuing to post normal.
I binged today.
I'm ashamed.
Of course I binged, I woke up at 7 something, but I learned from the mistake, and tomorrow I'll go back on track.
Today at noon (after my practice was over), I knew today, I told to myself "today I reached breaking point".
At that point I usually give up and gain weight.
Tomorrow it's a short day.
Meaning?
JOG.
I like jogging in place more than everything.
It's the easiest most achiveable one.
So yes, snowboarding is way more fun, and surfing, and endless other options.
But you can't do them everywhere, and not even talking about costs.
Jogging is great, because I can watch movies.
My goal that comes the soonest, is to have a thigh gap.
I would say to have it by the end of the month, but the end of the month is on Tuesday.
I remember that day, last year.

CRAP.
HOW COULD I MISS IT?!
FIVE DAYS AGO, IT WAS IT.
THE ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY.
Well, how weird.
I guess I'm starting from the last point again.
Irony in everything I do.
My first posts were about how fat I am (and I failed), and now I'm trying again.

I'm not going to fail at the break point.
I'm going to survive.
And when I'll go to the mall, I'll enter Bershka, and try on a dress, and will be confident enough to show them how I look like in it, because I'll be skinny!
This is my mission.
To break a jaw.
They'll be so shocked, that from the speed of their mouth opening's, the jaw will break.
Hospitalizing a person because of slimness.
Epic.



Here it is, a post from last year, that very date.
Twelve hours and twelve months earlier, it was the picture that pretty much says everything about my self harm.
The post is called I'm Not Hungry.
How weird it is?!
I knew that I work in cycles, but I never guessed it would be so true!

Tomorrow I'll jog.
School food will probably be something tiny, because tomorrow is a short day.
Lunch will be broccoli with chicken breast with hummus or pizza sauce.
Dinner, depends...

Crap.
I shouldn't even start with that milk chocolate.
A stupid mistake.

Now I learned.
Everyday you learn something new.
Like milk chocolate is bad, because it's a complete binge starter.
Eating meats on lunch is a good excuse to why not eat dairy meals (the power of pretending to be Jewish), and that a great appetite suppresor is coffee, it sounds better to parents when I call it mocha.
Coffee is bad after five pm, and it's a big mistake, unless it's on a day without school day after it.
Jogging is something that my sister doesn't care about, and works good with fast going movies, it's making it like it was in no time (drama and those bullshit won't work, easy comedies are good).
Food is my friend, my scluptur, my art, making it beautifully and not eating tons of it is wonderful.
Butter is disgusting, it just tastes like poop.
Coke zero tastes a bit like medicine to my friends, it's pretty good to me, because Ii love the flavor of medicines.
Different kinds of food from the world are like traveling to different places.

WHICH REMINDS ME!
I really want to make those rolls I ate in some taiwaneese restaraunt.
Crap.
That's what their filled of on websites with their stupid recipes.
I'll just make Kimchi.

Well.
I feel like chocolate some more.
I won't eat it.
I'm not a fool.
It was a mistake to wat chocolate.
Meaning:
In the next day no chocolate or sweets (not including one fruit to my choice), the day afterwards whatever I want but no chocolate, on Wednessday one milk chocolate cube (and no binge, I know it's risky, but if I prove it to myself I feel stronger, mostly mentally), on Thursday whatever I want (probably after lunch one cup of my mocha, with dark chocolate), on Friday, between lunch and dinner one snack, I don't know what, but a snack, and on Saturday, morning around 10, running for a long while, then until 12 pm, a bath, complete one, that will make me smell like roses, and be delightful (meaning, kimchi will be eated until Friday's lunch, so I won't be gassy), grooming for a very very very very very long while (brushing my hair, drying it natrually, braiding it, picking an outfit, which will probably be my 00 leggings, because, fuck yes), making me skip lunch, and even not mind it, then, around at 6:30 and around it small dinner, so I won't puke, and no eating after 7:00, making sure I'm ready, and leaving home at 7:15, so I'll make it on time to the Bar Mitzvah.

Tah-fucking-dah.

I need to write it.
Fuck.

Well.
At least I know my weaknesses even more.
Look at it like a game, or a war astretegy.
Discover your own weaknesses before the enemy knows it, fix them, find his, defeat it.
Bam, you fucking won, congratulations about winning.

I also discovered besides chocolate,
That cucumber is not the only meal I can consume for eight fucking hours.
Consuming way too little for a long time will lead to binge.

I really love food.
Chocolate for me is pretty much the canvas, paint, and everything else about food.

So, tomorrow, I have a very short shitty day.
But I can suffer it.
So meal?
Well, I guess I'll go on something good.
I went to check it up.
And practicing on no binging.

I almost ate another gluten free cookie (the other one I ate on my endless binge).
I opened it, when my head told me now, but my body ignored it (that bitchy human form!), and then, I stopped it.


I also learned today that bananas aren't that bad.

And that honey is a wonderous binge starter.
And that kiwi's aren't so good.
Everyday I must learn food.

You know the funniest part about it?
While many girls on mpa (shortcuts will be used for ana stuff, which is like mpa-My Pro Ana, or mfp- My Fitness Pal), see daily fatspo, I see thinspo, everywhere I look.
I'm in fucking sports class!
Everywhere there are dancers.
My wish is to look like Daniel, or Gale, they look like magical fairies.
Like, where the fuck are their wings?!

Well, I looked at thinspo of before and after.
Look:



If you thought that for a single minute I'm going to talk about her clothing, you were right, but not as right if ou guessed it will be about her tits.
HER BREASTS ARE LIKE, THE LARGE ONES THAT ACTUALLY LOOK GOOD!
But one problem.
WHY THE FUCK LONG FOR THE BEACH?!



She is pretty.
Her face is so gentle, like a cute pixie!
And the only thing I have to comment about, is the hair on the before.
Because the edges are too straight.
If her hair is so pretty and straight, I would personally go and layered, not thinned, beacause it's thin anyway.


Her face is so pretty.
The details look just like those American movie cheerleader face!



Look at her after face.
It says it all.
It's like a bitch face for all the people who told her that she's fat.
It's like "Who's the fat bitch now?bitch."

Well. 

I started writing in the binder, but I'll complete it tomorrow. 

Five a.m. wake up, lights on, writing. 

Six a.m. jog for thirty five minutes, six forty a.m. computer. 

Ten minutes to seven, hygeine stuff while making water for tea. 

Seven, drinks, already clothed, reading the news, writing the grocery list for the meals I'm making. 

By seven twenty five I'm out. 

I'm planned. 

Good night. 

Berries, survivors,

I hope you'll make it. 

Happy/Sad/Happy/?

I like the morning jogs.
It makes me feel good.
Like, proud of myself.
I like it.
Well, now it's morning.
So I'm going to make a school meal (probably a cucmber or something), and then when I'll be home I'll get a nice chicken breast, and enjoy the dinner.
I will do something sporty today.
I'm not sure what.
But I will.
Probably one of the saved links.
Something under 30 minutes, because I cannot afford more time.
But not sure which one.
Tomorrow it's yoga, at midday.
Well, I went to make breakfast.

....

I drank vanilla green tea in the morning. 

It's good, but not sweet enough. 

And occasionally on sports I ate slices of the cucumber I cut earlier. 

I also did 10 minutes of intense soccer. 

So fun. 

Though I kicked so hard once that the ball just smacked a girl's face. 

But it burned almost hundred. 

....

I feel like a failure. 

I don't even want to eat the cucumber. 

I don't deserve it.

Since when it's bad to be smart?
It's not like I'm not trying my best.
I'm trying more than my best.
I learn things that nobody taught me before, because nobody bothered to.
Because nobody cares.
And you are, my dear teacher, are mad at me because I didn't do the homework.
You did it from yesterday to today.
And every single fucking Thursday, I'm missing, why? You even never bothered to ask.
But it's complelty my fault that I cannot be in two different places in the same time.
Because I can't take a math book and understand and have time for it all.
I can't do such a thing.
And that's "little thing" you told me out loud in front of everybody, not only made me ashamed, but just gave me like five thousand four hundred and two depression pills (if there aren't, I might invent them).

...

Even you parents?
My father almost slapped me.

That's it.
If my parents will divorce, I'll try to escape that hell as fast as possible.
I can't live like that.

I'm sick of crying.
I'm sick of life.
Those moments make me rething why I didn't do it earlier.
Like all the other children in Israel.
Like the cyberbullied children.
Why fucking not?
I could just end it.
Why am I not doing it now?!
What's wrong with me?!
(akmost) EVERYBODY ELSE IN MY SITUATION WILL DO IT.
So why I'm not?
Why?...


...

I have no idea how I'm going to go through this weekend.
I have no idea.
Now I have to go end eat lunch.
I lost my appetite so I'll eat as less as possible.
I don't feel like a human now.
Each day I think I'm understanding him more, and the more I understand, the more I'm closing to do what he did...

....

I ate two small chicken breasts, with one tbs of hummus.
It 120 cals.
I have consumed -175 calories today.
I need to excresise today.
I did the jog, and I still have crunches.
But I'm not sure if I want to do more, so I will be able to eat a kiwi/persimmon.
I have to do something in order to get a fruit.
I think for dinner, if I'll have a free option, probably a yogurt.
They are sweet and I am in full control about my binges.

Crap.
Even now I feel like I ate too much.
My throat hurts.

...

I feel like shit.
I don't think I'm going to give myself a coin today, and not even a manicure tomorrow.
I feel like absoulute shit.

My stomach hurts....
Again...
It's not good for her to be over-filled.

I feel like dying.
I don't want to live anymore.
But it will be such a tragedy if somebody will die a week before your Bar-Mitzvah.

I have free time for myself.
No binging.
Only excrisising.
I think it's time for myself.
They all went to go and see christmass shit.
And buy candies.
Yeah right...
I...
Eat...
pfff...
Candies...


I'm going to run a bit.
If I have a good action movie I'll watch it.
My dessert will be happiness.
At least they accept me.
The people there.
The mindset that if I'll do it, she'll wat to be with me again...
Each time I'm making a mistake with it, it's like her screaming in pain, holding herself tight so she won't fall apart, and suffering.
And it's her.
The slender model her.
And I'll do everything for her.

...

I did thirty minutes jog.
I'm going to do more.
But I need some rest.
For now, I ate 145 calories, and burnt 536, meaning, I just had -391 calories.
And I have 591 calories free to eat, so it will be considered 200.
I'm going to continue the jogging.

I burnt 644.

I have to continue to do that stuff for a long while.
Well, until I'd reach my goal, obviously.
Which I have one, and plenty of little things I'd award myself if I do so.
The one that I'm the closest to reach that will give me a big award, is what I call "skinny symptoms", which includes thigh gap (each day I'm getting closer) and hipbones (well, I'm far from that), and similiar things, like collar bones and boney limbs.

I went to make make myself something chocolatic.
Something that will 100% sure won't lead to a binge.

....

I drank the best 23 calories in my life. 

A huge teaspoon of fat free cacao powder, a bit of coffee (probably 1/2 a tsp), a tiny bit of pure vanilla extract (3 cals), and hot water (with a bit of cold, I don't want to get burnt again).

It's so filling!

And delicous!

But if you are starting to go crazy like me, make sure you can actually deny and say no to binges, because I almost started one!

But I stopped!

Aren't you proud of me?

I sure am!

I'm watching few episodes of House, it's so fun!

....

For dinner I ate one berry yogurt.
And another mocha cup.
With marshmallow cutted.
I learned today that I shouldn't eat marshmallows, and two cups of that delicous thing.

Today I had -269 calories!
I really enjoy to go to the shower, and just see, a day after day, gettting closer to the thigh gap.

Tomorrow will be a fun day.
How do I know it?
Well, I found 7 seasons of House site with subtitles (helps a lot, because we yell and scream and stuff alike a lot in that house), and I recorded The Dark Knight Rises.
It's pretty good.
Since I wanted to watch a batman movie that won't confuse me, because I don't understand a thing.


....


I want to make a bracelet.
I have charms (I always find few), and I have new black wax thread.
I can make something cool with it.
And I have tons of cards.
It got a good side and a bad side.
The packets don't have the creepy joker one, which is good, but it also don't have the beautiful patterns.

I enjoyed today.
At the shower, I started to do crunches, before conditioning and I managed to do only 12, I thought I was going to give up.
But after it.
I didn't.
I did a hundred!
I'm not going to keep with the +20 ones.
It's consuming too much time.
And not burning enough.
It's good for abs, but not good enough.

Tomorrow I got yoga.
Cool.
I will do stuff tomorrow.
I'm going to search for more recipes, and come up with my own.
I watched today another Chocolate Ccovered episode.
I love that show.
Now it was with a scottish (I think) man named William (williams are too common in Europe, I'll explain later), and his wife is japaneese, and she came up with pretty awesome ideas for chocolatic heavens.
Though the chocolate looked interesting (not like what Dave built with white chocolate legs, but interesting enough to be called this way), I didn't like the spongey things, and the over amounts of rum, and raisins.
When it comes to chocolate, I'd rather sweet cold things,.

I have to find new low cal recipes.

I love to make food.
It gives me so much joy.
And I always like it better when I don't need to eat it all!
Because it sucks to do it alone.
I'm hoping to make kimchi soon.
I always wondered how it tasted like, since I was 8.
I'm not kidding.


So, now I'm trying to draw things inspired by the ballads (right now with the dead knight, and his pregnant lover that killed herself, and his loyal pets, and the crows that watned to eat him), I might do Edward Edward one.
And maybe the other Christian knight that will doom the Jewish daughter, because, well, you'll have to read it to understand.

Well, good night for you, I'm going to bed, watch some tv and do stuff on my phone (mostly mpa and yummly and their siblings), have fun.


Berried, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Happy.

I feel like shit.
I ate a huge chicken breast.
Like it wasn't enough with the forced breakfast.
Now I have to burn it all.
And I don't have much time.
I ate today 663 calories!
But I burnt 173.
So it's like I had 490 calories.
Not good.
Not good at all!

I have to stop doing it to myself.
It just hurts.
Mentally and phisically!
I feel like a failure, and my stomach hurts.

....

I don't believe in luck.
Bad luck or good luck.
Like, it's not something that one day you wake up and have it for a while.
It's a very special form of actions knotted with accidents and other actions.
Creating the situation that will put you on that special ray of sunshine.
It's interesting.
Because, if that little thing won't happen, every little simple detail will be destroyed.

....

I'm going to burn it with in place running, it's so fun to do it while watching tv, I watched today something called Food Addicts.
They have there an anorexic-bulimic, and they have one guy, and there's Camylle, which I like, but I watched only episode.
With the missions, like the blindfold, and the pillows, and stuff.
It was just amazing.
This is what I like to watch.

I recently got more attracted to obesity, overweight, surgeries, cosmetic shit, tons of movies, reality-drama-shit-that-won't-do-any-good-to-me, and everything in between.

....


Today I have a practice.
It will be one hour one, quite sad, but I hope it's a fun one, and when I say fun, I mean something I'm good at and enjoy doing.

I want to run off all the calories I ate.
And more!

I WANT TO RUN FOR A WHOLE MOVIE TIME.
It will burn so much calories!
If I'm going to do it, I'll be so proud!

So my sports schedule is:
200 crunches
5 burpees (I'm planning on doing x*2+5 program where x is the day count, sort of like the crunches, but crunches are just got +20, because I don't remember the starting one).
as long as possible run.

And I have to put my smash book objects in place, so on the weekend I could make it.
I'd be so happy to write in it shit!
I might put post stuff in there!
All I need for it now are the cool papers and stickers.
Maybe more emblishments, but you know, it depends.
Probably a bunch of good job and those teacher kind of shit.
I will be so happy to be proud of myself.

Tommorrow is my favorite day of the week.
Four hours of my favorites.
Two hours of sports, and than two hours of math!
I worship math.
It's like perfection.
I'm also good at it.
It helps me with calories.

....

YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE HOW HAPPY I AM.
I burnt 648 calories!
I wished it was more, but I had no time.
And that's enough for me.
Wait.
 nede to go and put a coin in my jar.
Each time I'm not giving up, I'm going to put one NIS coin in the jar.
It will be my motivation.
Don't you think it's a good idea?

I decided that Saturday will be my rest day.
So I won't get my back broken like MG.
I'm not a stupid girl.
I'm going to do yoga on my rest day.

....

On My Fitness Pal I'm putting it on 200.
Why?
Well, it helps me with wanting to burn all the calories!
I calculated the day, and guess what?
I ate 856 calories, and burnt 821.
Simple math, for my body, it got only 34 calories for that day.
I consumed food, and took it out as well.

Well, I'm trying to stay binge free, but who knows what will happen?

...

I thought I won't be able to do the 200 crunches that were planned for today. 

But I did them!!

I did hundred in the shower (I felt so smooth and like I'm glowing after the ninety minutes of jogging), and hundred now, in bed. 

When I was in the bathroom, I stood up and put my feet together. 

I saw something I didn't see this morning. 

With resting legs, there's a bit of space between the thighs.

I'm getting closer to a thigh gap. 

I have the body for it. 

And lately I put effort to get it. 

I want to look good for so many reasons. 

Guys, since I ate and excresised like a human should (as mush as the western culture makes it possible), I'm blossoming. 

Not kidding. 

My sport skills just went over the hill, today Irena told me to come to the high jumps with a bunch of girls. 

Do you have a fucking idea how great is it for me?

It's like the incredible joy you feel like that you accomplished the most impossible mission. 

I was so happy. 

Even that I felt a bit heavy from the food, Irena told me that I had few great jumps. 

I'm happy again. 

I won't be "cured" from the depression, because now I kind of fear to be without her (now it's a her), it protects me. 

The only problems are the carbs that make everything slower. 

But I'm burning it all. 

....

Since My Fittness Pal made a mistake. 

I discovered something so great. 

I had -37 cals consumed!

Because it didn't calculate well the cals in the tomato sauce!

I'm so happy. 

I put a coin today. 

I had a quite productive day. 

I had fun. 

I also completed making the basics of the smash book!

I sewd elastic rubber to the binder and inserted memo notes and cards. 

I need to make something for the pens, pencils, and of course the notebooks. 

Probably rubber as well, but it will be hard.

On Saturday, after a good week (though I binged once, an another time I stopped a binge), and I want to make me feel even better, I'm going to give myself a prize. 

Manicure. 

Of course at home, but a long time passed since I put effort on my nails and hands, and self grooming is an important step of becoming the Barbie doll she always wanted. 

I want to be her beautiful model that she'll take pictures of with cute clothes all the time, I want her to help me look the best, I want her to sit with me and will do fun things together. 

Her an her pretty Barbie doll. 

This is perfect. 

Berries, survivors,

I hope you'll make it. 

Stopped. Learned. Punished. Learned.

I hate it.

Why can't I have shitty parents who never give a single fuck about you?

My mother forced me to eat lunch (well, I ate only a cucmber, but still, it's eating, and I was supposed to fast!), and then dinner! Which was around a cup of breadsticks (home made, they have olive oil, but no butter, I guess it's better than nothing), with some salsa (My salsa will never be good, I'd prefer to make my tomato soup with more pepper so it will be spicy), and for dessert I worked a lot to get out some coke zero that I put in the freezer.

And I ate a bunch of it.

I feel like a failure.

I shouldn't go to meet Keren.

It took away from me percious weight loss stuff.

It would be healthier to stay in my room.

Though, I didn't eat at her house.

Instead, we played some Wipeout 3 and Mariokart in her Wii, and then went upstairs to watch the second episode of House.

I love it.

I was terrified from the weird thing they did to Dan.

This actor is pretty much one of the best ones.

...

I hate this day.

But lesson have been learned.

Friends are not an option, they take too much time.

Friendships can be made over the internet and in school.

I cannot afford myself this kind of bullshit.

When I say afford, I mean by time.

Not money.

Well, I don't have time.

So I'd rather spent it on important things.

Thank Yourself Later, reminds me that it'll take time, and by the fact I'm doing it, I'm pleasing my older self.

A broken fast is not as bad.

Today, I almost started a binge.

I opened the fridge, and as I almost moved my hand to reach a yogurt (150 cal, it's more like a dinner, I should just eat them as dinners), I told myself "Remember, that it's never to late to stop a binge, and the earlier the better, and I don't want to do it to myself, and I'll regret it later" and stuff alike.

I'm planning on making a smash book thingy.

Just to keep my shit together.

All I need is some papers, probably a new large bider, and rubber, which I have.

I'm planning it for the weekend.

I still need to do ninety more crunches (today is 180, and I had to go straight to Keren, I decided to half it, and do another half later, I don't like it, but that's what I got), at least tomorrow morning is 30 minutes jog in place.

I must put off weight.

I'm going to be overweight.

And I want to be confident.

Everyday, I see a little difference.

I notice what I need and what I don't need.

I'm going stronger each day.

My body knows what to do.

And I'm happier (though I think I'm getting stressed all the time, and nothing will solve it but those cuts), and I'm feeling like I'm going to be really good.

I have few things I would love to do.

Like, Gal to want be friends with me again, so I could be her little black barbie.

And make Yali cry everyday and be jealous of me and my soon-to-be beautiful slim body.

To be lighter, and make better scores at sports.

And maybe, just a maybe, look good enough, to not be ashames of photos.

I need to write what I need to buy.

Like a vanilla green tea [people say it tastes sweet, and I'm planning to make a slushi or sorbet (which is pretty much sugar, which I'll might skip on, and egg whites)], and tons of sugar free gum.

Because I have disgusting bad breath when I'm not eating, so gum is my life saver.

It hides the fact that I didn't ate.

And it hides the smell of a dead creature.

I'm happy.

I have endrophins in my blood.

I'm stressed as fuck.

I have plans for the future.

And for now, after a very long time, I'm happy.

Berries, Survivors,

I hope you'll make it.

Binger

I regret eating the whole cup.
My eyes and mouth aren't used to eat so little and still be satisfied.
But, all I are today by now, is green tea (I have to admit I'm still a bit afraid, but you'd understand as well when you'll see my second degree burn on chin, now I look like a man with a beard), and for school I didn't ate, and I considered to eat before sports, but I wrote myself that I won't (it's another step to high self control), and I didn't.
You have no idea how wear I felt, and how awful my headaches were, I was shaking, but I told my body that he should suck it up (my body is a he, every body part is he for me, probably because of that in hebrew, most of body parts are a he).
Crap.
Why crap?
Because now My Chemical Romance started ,I do it the artist>album, and as far as I understand, it will take me some time to finish it, and now, for the next few days, all the song will be stuck in my head.
I hate when they get stuck in my head.
The only good cure is to listen to them all completly without many distraction, and remember the lyrics.

Well, I don't care that I didn't have literture today, but I'm excited for what we will learn after the ballads, which are something that I hate to play on the guitar, because I'm slow and it make my thumb and that bone in the wrist to hurt as fuck, yes indeed the Romances.
It will be awesome.
Since we barely learn things that I like and know a bit, it will make literture much more fun!
I like math because of the same reasons, we learnt about the x y thingy, as far as I know it's called The coordinate plane.
Which is super duper easy metrial for me!
Since I learned it while making and positioning objects on Shenkar, I learned it also with z, for the 3d, we need three dimensions, x is which line, y is which column (x and y are on the "flat", and had no height, they were able to see from an angle, but not from the the side), and z was the height.


...

It's fucking annoying.
I wrote diet peach.
And no.
She brought the normal ones.
Instead of 55 calaorie yogurt.
It's 155 yogurt!
I didn't want 155!
It's a whole meal!
What am I supposed to do now?!

A thursday lunch with two breadsticks (home made), so for the practice I won't be full?
Well, without breadsticks.
But now it's tripled the calories.
And it's not fair!
Well, I might eat it for breakfast or something on Saturday.

...

I'm so fucking fat!
I ate a yogurt!
And it didn't satisfy me!
So  I ate two cucmbers with a spoon of hummos.

Now on the notebook I'm writing that cucmbers with hummos are super satisfying!

....

I binged again because my mother was in the room.
And I burned only 35 calories!
THAT'S FUCKING NOTHING.
I hate myself.
I know what I need.
But how I'll manage to hide it?
I'll have to think smart.
I'm talking about the obvious, ultimate reliver.
If I'd feel like eating.
One cut, and that's it.
No more food.
I have to.
If I won't.
I won't be able to thank myself later.
I want to die.
Since tomorrow it's a fast, I'm planning to make my "meals" menu.
Wake up: few good minutes of jogging in place for a movie time (gladly, movies and food shows are the only thing I watch, and sometimes I watch those cool shows that are never aired regularly).
Morning: wild berry tea.
Lunch: some kind of a tea in the thermus.
Afternoon: doing the fat burning cardio from YouTube.
Snack and dinner: coke zero, frozen.
Shower: 200 crunches (because today it's 180)

I'm not allowed to eat more.
If I would, well, punishment.

I want to die.

They say binge eating comes from stress?
I don't feel stressed.
Maybe  I am but I got used to it?
Is it possible?
People say meditation works.
But I don't have time for those silly things.
The clock is ticking and I'm getting fatter and older.
At least let me one thing take back in time.
Weight.

...

Okay. 

Pain is actually the only answer. 

Today, when I took off most of the burnt skin, I had to moisturize my face, so when I applied the lotion on my exposed combination of flesh and new thin layer of skin, it felt like it was burning, and intoxicating feeling went all over me. 

Suddenly, I felt the lightest person in the world, my head wasn't heavy from planning, it's was light as a feather. 

Well, hello wonderful addictive pain, we meet again...

...

Remember the colors?

Well, two days ago (Sunday), in educators hour, our teacher put stickers on our foreheads, everybody else could see it, but we, ourselves couldn't. 

So, she explained, the yellow stickers are the ones you don't want to be with, they are the worst, you don't want them in your team, the green ones are fine, they're not the best and not the worst, and the white ones, the white ones are the best, you want them in your team!

Afterwards, she told us to create groups.  

To team up. 

The yellow ones never got a person, and were rejected. 

The green ones as well, rarely they had somebody to be with. 

And the white ones, a large perfect group. 

She explained it, with how it relates to teens, and junior high, with popularity. 

In the game I was yellow. 

In real life?

I could say I'm different in every situation or place. 

Most of time I'll be yellowing myself, because it's dangerous as fuck to go white, I was a white, and we all know how it ended, so I'm trying to stay away. 

And I can be green sometimes. 

And I get white with strangers. 

I easily meet people and befriend. 

It's pretty good because I can meet new people, and have somebody to e with during vacations!

Another reason to be thin:

So I could attract people, so I won't be alone. 

I did today 180 crunches. 

It's really fun to just lie down afterwards on your back, and inhale and exhale, and you see how slim you are in that position. 

It's not that I don't see any change. 

I do!

It's the slightest ones, but it means the world to me. 

I'm a bit afraid with the fasting tomorrow. 

I'm not going to lie. 

I might break in the middle, hopefully, the breaker won't be me causing it. 

But on Thursdays, it's an easy fast. 

So does Sundays. 

Because then people don't see me coming home and "eating", fuck!

I have a brilliant idea!

Thursdays- after ram, I'll do sports, stop when parents come home, and go to sport practice!

Somebody please give me a decent applause!

....

So my school is a basically territory of anorexia. 

Starting from those figures on the wall (Barbie looking ones) and ending in the English book that our school created, about models that aren't eating much so they won't get fat!

This is works nicely for me. 

It makes me remember what people shoul eat. 

Because look at me. 

My body had constan binges at 2000 and something, and with 300-400 the binges are smaller. 

And I see difference. 

I should go for greens. 

I love greens!

Green and brown. 

Brown is for chicken breast. 

And tomatoes, because they have some sort of a vitamin that just helps the skin grow faster and healthier!

I like veggies. 

And some fruits, like watermelons, and mangoes (though they are fatty, so eat less), but like, berries, and peaches (peaches are so fucking great), and pears, and pretty much everything. 

Except from bananas. 

Bananas taste like shit. 

Even their texture just feels like vomit. 

I like dates better. 

I want to make a date spread, it will look like poop, or chocolate.

And I can eat it because dates are simply filling you up. 

...

Berries, survivors,

I hope you'll make it.

A today, finally!

So.
Today I woke up earlier than five am.
I woke up, and relaxed for thirty minutese with some iPhone quality time.
And then, I opened my recorded things.
And guess what I watched?
Iron Man, with Robert Downey Junior.
I liked it a lot.
Though I need to finish the last 20 minutes.

I also started making my own school meals (it's better to know perfectly what gets inside there), and I did today three lettuce leaves, with one medium tomato, and one egg whites.
I didn't ate all.
And the funny thing, is that at the second break, I ate three bites, instead of two, and my stomach hurted.
FROM EATING TOO MUCH.
This is wonderful.
I need to remember things better.

So now I'm working on making my notebook.
I got one, and I'll keep it next to my bed.

It's fun to know that I'll thank myself later.
When it'll be summer season, I'd be confidence to wear short things.
And my goal?
Pff, easy!
To look good in shorts, and my tight blue camisole.
So I'm going to write everything.
Then, upload them to canvasly, which is a free app, it created for parents to take their kids draws to a mobile world.
I find it few uses.
Like for my school sketches, and that notebook.

I need to find how to make it cute and inviting enough, so I would love to go there.
For now, I'm just enjoying stories.
And it's quite funny.


....

Fuck.
I just ate dinner, and I thought I was going good, though it was all carbs.
I ate one white bread slice, toasted and with a bit a ground cinnamon, and medium cutted apple.
But than I ate 3/4 of my rice krispie covered in chocolate, and spoon of my berry ice cream.
Stupid me.
I thought I would do better.
Foolish of me to think so.
Well, now I'm going to do some workot, get a shower and do my crunches (today is 160, it's pretty cool that I know that I can do it, it's quite rewarding), then fall asleep.
-sorry for cutting in the middle, but fuck, I ate too much and my stomach pays up now-.
And obviously wake up early.

I think I'm not built for that shit anymore.
Since the celiac test results showed up and said I have 0% celiac, my mother says it's a silent celiac.
It have all the effects, but the test won't see it.

I wrote on the notebook at the food list that make my stomach hurt so I shouldn't eat them:
Bread, chocolate, and rice kirpies.

Oh fuck.
Oh shit.
It hurts so bad!
It wasn't such a good idea to over eat.
I feel like a failure.

I ate by my fitness pal I ate 441.
Though, I added for the ice cream 50, so, whatever.
No way I ate under five hundred.
Something must be wrong with that app.
Because no way that my stomach hurts from 441.
It's so fucked up.
And I barely excresised today (I did the minimum amount that the cardio workout I did on youtube, it was betweeen 70 and hundred something, so I put on the lowest), it's not fair.
I should've excresise more.
I'm dissapointed.

Tomorrow, I'll try to shove some of a cardio workout, today when I fidgeted (I like to change the way I'm doing it every once in a while, it keeps me occoupied), I just felt my fat slams from one side to the other on my legs.
EW.

I can fast on Friday.
I think.
I'll try to fast as long as possible on the weekend.
And the meal I'd eat afterwards will be a diet yogurt (if I'll have some) or a chicken breast.
I'm sorry for starting the cycle again.
But I won't stop now.
I found that site.
I found those videos.
I'm like a fucking uncaged beast.
What are you supposed to do now?
Go run in circles and scream?

Actually I like to do the last one.
Since in the renovation the balcony got closed, so in the hall we just a have a wall, and full excess from both sides, like an open place with a divider.
My sister and I like to panic.
It's a hobby.

Hello my name is Dvash and my hobbies are drawing, panicing, writing a blog, and makes every short assignment on English to a tragedy/action/comedy thing.

It's actually quite funny.
Because I can relate anything to anything.
I had trouble trying to find a name for a spy.
Why?
Because when I think about a thing that some person does, the name will be from people who already exist.
I can tell you I got stuck for five minutes on the letter J.
Mostly for James (obviously) and John, I have no idea why John, I think I should watch John Tucker Must  Die.
Because what's wrong with that?

I'm planning my meals for tomorrow!
I'll write them in my iPhone.
The only things I'm allowed to do with it is to drink zero calorie drinks, and to eat less than what I should.

I hate all that fat on my face.
I'm aiming to lose weight.
Not gain it.
Or gain muscle.
I need to check up what foods are good.

It's annoying to know what foods I can and can't.

It sucks that kiwi is high carb (one of my favorites!), but it's nice to know that raspberries and blueberries and blackberries and their siblings are in the low, sadly strawberry and watermelons are in the medium list.
But watermelon is my favorite!
So, I have an idea.

Instead of eating it stupidly without it looking like instagram meal, I'd cut it in shapes.
It also takes time, and makes less, but it always looks like it came out of a magazine.

That's why I eat my food in or pretty or not at all.

That's why I ate my egg today in a heart shape.
On Wednessday, I'm supposed to have chicken breast.
Not like schintzel, that the main thing in it is those crumbs.
Now it will actually taste good with or without hummus.

Which reminds me, celery sticks!
I just need to get used to the taste, and perfect!

The funny thing about getting used to flavors.
Each time I make my tea, I question myself few times if I put any sugar in it, because it's so sweet!
Well, it's kind of bitter, and dries my tongue a bit, but it's have some sort of a sweet traces after you swallow.

Just one thing I'll never understand.
Why do you like fish?
It's so disgusting.
It just makes me twitch when I hear that, because my friend and I were once in Crete, and the fucking same restraunt owner showed us the live fish and then served it.
I refused to eat fish afterwards.
You can't kill something you see.
You won't kill something you know that never wanted to be this way.

If a human will tell me "I want you to eat my flesh, drink my blood, and make from my dead skeleton a couch" I would do it.
Because meat is meat, and that person wants to die this way anyway, so why not?

Corpses are a waste of food.

And everyone who says that canibalism is wrong, it's partly true.
You cannot force somebody.
Eating is good and sex is good.
But forcing it on somebody, not really.
So if it's their free will.
I would enjoy having grilled breast, because why not?
And I'll keep things that look cool.
Like eyeballs.
Or stuff alike.

....

I'm going to miss him.
Yotam is leaving today.
He's moving to Chicago.

So if you, the US readers are from Chicago, you might discover you met one of my friend.
And if in the huge coincidence that's about to happen.
Tell him that I miss him.
A lot.
Because he was always nice and intresting.


....


I'm sorry, I had something to talk about, but if I'll have time tomorrow I would tell.
It's a social-popularity-ranking-teens themes.

Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Sunday - Yesterday

Well.
I just discovered I'm fucking awesome at sprint starts.
I enjoyed that confidence when Igor & Irena told me I'm doing really good!
It's like, better than chocolate!

So today, I woke up quite late.
So if I'll do the HIIT now, I might just go easy on me, and make breaks between crunches.
So in school, I was quite bored, anad I was alone -the usual-, but it got better on the last two.
Why?
Because we had the educators hour, and I have mixed feelings for the fact that some guy forgot to bring us the snacks!
And we have math.
I like math.
It's like black and white.
And like studyig to a test.
Or you got it right, or you didn't.
No other options.

I'm going to HIIT now.
Wish me luck!

I survived only the five fifty two first minutes.
I have to continue daily.
More and more until I'd do it fully!
But it's fun!
I would love to do it daily!
It's like a boost for yourself.

You know what?
I'm going to continue it!

...

I regret clicking that button.
I need to do a whole minute of burpees!
I barely did 20 when I was younger!

...


I just love The World's Strictet Parents.
Now it's with Reed.
I will never guess that he's 16.
He looks 22.
And it's pretty good that he grooms himself, and his hair, finally a guy that can tell the difference with facial and body proprtions and shapes to haircut.
And Jessica, I don't like her, she's not  Britney.
She's just, well, you can't even decribe.
The family in the first episode are way better.

It's funny, Reed is so hyper, and well, it's called nowdays fabolous, but it's just caring for himself.
I can't wait to Jessica's first problem.
And then, their first mental breakdown.
It's just great.


HERE IT IS.
They are escaping.
I love Reed.
And Jessica.


Sorry for the delay.
It's my fault (obviously).

Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Yesterday

DO YOU HAVE TO REMIND ME IT?
Why the fuck would you lie, and will hurt, and will pretend, and then to say the fucking truth.
I have no power to hear anybody.
Headphones are almost on the max.
Really, I don't even mind losing my hearing a bit more.
I'm half deaf anyway, it's not that it's such a change, I can't hear what t]others are whispering, or talking, it stopped being important to me
I don't want to live.
So yes, I know that I'm the unwanted child (First children are meant to be with accident, are made for diposal, because they are like the first pancake, they got all the problems and the oil, so the rest will be better, more like the chef wanted), and you hate me.
But do I really need a reminder?
It's not like I'm not seeing it daily, the signs, all of them tell me to fuck off from this life.
And I won't.
I don't know why.

This family isn't even like those who 15 and goodbye.
Or the family whose parents just wanted to continue the tradition and bring children.
This family is the one that if not divorce, an endless fights, mostly the children against the family, making the siblings grow tighter, and in some point won't stand it anymore.

I can't wait to get out of this hell.
Nobody understands the fact that, this life, is everything but life.
Because, this is not fun, this is misery.
This is a storm.
Now, I have to wait for the storm to pass, and keep sailing towards happiness.

Right now, one day I can be happy, and the other I can hate my life, and I have to sit or lie down, so I won't be tempted to do something stupid.

I can't stand it anymore.
If this is what you call a family, so I must be a pickle to your eyes.
Because this is not a family, and so far I'm not a pickle either.
So, right now, it's like those sims family, that you forget to make the realtionships in CAS, so it's all fucked up.
Just housemates.

That are controlled by the adults.
Fucking stupid.

...

Now, I'm on the news site that I like thanks to all of those comments.
It's about a woman that died in her seventh birthgiving.
I can't understand one thing, why the fuck would you like so many kids?!
How can you even funcitonate?!
It's not that there are plenty of jobs and places to live in.
So mostly the comments are about the crazy jewish side (of course), and on one comment, somebody wrote:
"I remember that game... Seven boom".
IT WAS THE BEST ONE SO FAR.

What?
This is crazy.
A fourteen year old guy's parents told the surgeon to wait with the heart sergery to their son (who needed it as fast as possible), why did they tell him to wait? Because they needed to ask the Rabi about that!
You just fucking killed your son.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Even I know it that health is above bible.
And it's been written, in the fucking bible itself.
You are so stupid, I really wonder if we can rename that country for something that will fit the title "A terrible hole to live in when you original country will do everything to kill you, but it's better than before, but not really because there's crisis again, and everybody can't live normally, and everybody is sad, and mad, and everybody is racist, rude, dumb, and that place is moved by religion".

I think the slogan for Israel should be "We're all mad here", a wonderful quote of Ches, the cat that can't be exceuted , that was supposed to die, but didn't because how can you take the head of a bodyless head?
Impossible.

What?
This is an actual tragedy.
Somebody said that this hospital is a "one way ticket", and the feedback was "True when my mother went into that hospital they told her that nobody is coming out alive and that's how it was", it's a rought translition, sorry for that, but don't you think it's sad?
And even sadder that people are willing to take the risk?

Okay, this is a sarcastic comment he wrote, but this is brilliant!

"Can you put a zipper after cesareen delivery for the next time?".

Yes, this is brilliant.

Somebody should find a way to do it!

While somebody should invent it, I'm watching The Fifth.

...

I tried to find a way to watch The Fifth.

I failed.

But I'll soon have Elysyum.

So, it's better than nothing.

....

I have no idea how it came to me on Stips again.

But now I'm on art.

I don't feel like religion arguements today, I don't know why...

So one asked about how her draw came out.

Somebody wrote "From a scale of one to ten, I'd give it seven. That's how I drew when I was seven, make the hips wider, and give the pants some shape".

And on that, you can say:

I found a gif and inserted it.

YAY.

But it was really horrible, it was like mines, and at least I'm practicing now to get it better...

And another one, which looks like a bad way to draw fox and eevee from memory (I just remember those days when Daniel, Omri, and I had those pokemon book, and we would draw and read it all the fucking time, I was jealous, Daniel got the shaymin version!), and it just look hideous.

Somebody wrote "Vayzmir".

It's funny because this is what Igor says about our bad jump/runs/complains.

Okay, there was a girl that tried to draw a Liam.

She didn't mention which one.

It was a draw that will haunt your fucking nightmares.

This is like the annoying orphan you put under the stairs and lock him up, because it's such an emberessment (I have a harry potter comment).

...

Well, I forgot what I wanted to say....

Okay, I remember it now!

That celebrity who filmed us for that arctice he made about the smart ones.

I can tell you something for sure.

Smart people are like atheletes, each one and what it's good at.

You assumed that all of us are the same book worms and math honors chubby in front of their computer coding shit and friendless to bone, it's pretty much like claim that all the people that sport is their job are skinny.

Since when Sumo's are skinny? Or those people on WWE, yet, I won't see that 251 lb is super skinny (John Cena), and 235 lb is anorexic (Randy Orton)...

Okay, each person and it's things.

My friends, well, we are different.

One girl made a summer day camp of D&D and made 400 nis a week.

And a guy taught me to use those ctrl+shift+c thingy on the internet, and it's pretty cool.

Few girls there can be the simple popular but nice group in their school, and you won't notice ever how smart they are, because they are like everybody else.

And two cousins are quite hyper, one is a math genious and the other need ritalin.

We are different.

Each one with it's shit.

There's a girl from the sports class, like me, but she's an eight grader.

It's cool.

Everybody there is magical.

Deal with it.

Because not everybody stuck their nose in Harry Potter.

Most of time we will laugh.

And we are no different.

We are weird and fucked up as the rest.

I'm a proof.

Okay, I have no idea why I'm constantly posting a day later sorry.

Berries, Survivors,

I hope you'll make it.

MG

Hello.
I have many things to say.
But let's start like the everyday platform, like the first blogs second intention was (the first one was fame with social and pop culture media, now it's my life whether you like it or not), and let's start.
I woke up at 5:12.
It's quite late, to be honest.
I really want it early.
Because it gives me time.

I like to do crunches lately.
So today I did around 55-60 this morning.
I'm planning on another set in the shower.
I really want toned stomach, and since fat loss is equal on the body, I do my favorite.
And the fact I'm eating less carbs than before.
Just energizes me!
Like, yeah, my heart was kind of weird again, but it's happens when I'm doing a habitual change.
I don't even know how to describe it well, like, it feels like it's struggling to make a beat, and it's a bit in my lungs, like it's out of place.
And it hurts, but I can cope with it.

So, I watched some TV, and got down from my bed (I wish it was "got up", but my bed is around 1.80 meter tall, so I have to go down the ladder), I was on the computer.
I still have a lot of things to do with the drawing.
I just finished the turquoise hair, and I'm trying to find a decent matching color.
Right now I plan on some purple and some brown.
Well, when I'll decide, I'll decide.

So then I got to school.
My breakfast was 2-3 biscuits (yum!), and I think I took gum or lettuce, but I'm never sure.
And tea, my beloved wild raspberry (it's quite weird, because it makes my tongue even more rough! and it's more pain than pleasure with sugar, because it doesn't taste good, maybe lemon sugar will do differently), and I went out.
I walked, and after short while the bus came, I was going through tumblr, reblogging things so I'll see them later.

Then sports, I was happy to know it was Volleyball, and instead of being with Lihi, I was with Shira, we are a pretty good team together.

I enjoyed at the first round of the game, mostly because the other team set the balls almost all the time to center back, which was my beautiful place!
We didn't win, but it was a very good game.
The second one was a re-pick, it was quite boring, because no ball came towards me, so I was very, very, very bored.
But it was more moving and warming than navigation.
The girls stopped giving a shit about the teacher, and they were at their phone all the time.
I listened from time to time, and texted to my mother about the purchases on the market, because  I needed a new case, and everything wasn't my kind of style, so I have a terribly bright colored one, that will get easily lost in my closet, because it looks a bit like it's a part from a matching accessory outfit to my cool lion shirt (great, why won't to pick the color scheme that fits my clothing), but it was or that, or some alligator skin patterned one.
WHICH WAS EVERYTHING BUT NICE.
It was simply trashy, and disgusting.
And it was fucking bright blue.
What the fuck?
It was prettier on some wooden camouflage one, like black, or brown, or dark olive green.

So, sadly, there were no shirts.
Everything were those ugly fucking winter-fall weird clothing.
I hate winter for that.
All I want, is a nice pair of jeans or leggings, a short shirt, and a hoodie, that's winter to me.
Why do people must have 4000 euro fur coat?
What the fuck people?
Who even likes that season?
It just a nice reminder that the next holdiay is in around four months.
And it's only for two days anyway.
Fuck you winter.

I'm cold.
But I like it.
Those chills I get randomlly are weird, and they are nice.
Like a weird smelling gift, but it's only a really cool printed shirt.
Like the angry birds I got from Gal for my ninth birthday.
I really want to do nothing this year.
It will lend on Tuesday, by the georgian calender.
But since "we're" Jewish, my mother counts it by the hebrew one (hello people, we passed that ancient lies for like, nice few centuries ago, and those people got burnt to death by the church, like many other thing, I wish I was in charge of the church, not a priest, but something even stupider, like, the head killer, and just kill "Witches" and another stuff alike), so It will land on the holiday.
Well.
I just want to get to meet Demian with the unpronoucable family name who is a chocolater in London, and tell him his "geniousity" is the most stupid thing on earth, because if you want to make you chocolatic snack (truffle, in my case) dairy free, you do it with water.
And nobody gives a fuck that you did it to "keep the rich flavour of the chocolate", because darling (mocking him and his accent, with British accent, because it easily annoyes them), this is probably because one day you were out of milk, and some annoying upper class human being complimented you for the geniousity.
YOU WORK IS BULLSHIT.
But I do like the fact you grow your own cocoa seeds.


So, then, math.
I like math.
I'm good at it.
And it's easy for me.
I calculate the multiplies really fast.
Why?
I calculate calories fast as much as possible, so I have to know to divide quickly and multiply even faster.
On the 500 ml zero bottle there is 1.5 calories.
And it's really satisfying, so it's good.

Math is fun.

Then, I went with Maya DS, and Maya G, to an ice cream place.
I regret picking capucinno.
It tasted like barely mixed coffee.
You could still feel that powder.
And it was disgusting.
At least the berries were good.
I should've get an popsicle.
It's better.
I'll write a note.
So when I'll need information, I'll get it from the search box on the iPhone.
Smart, isn't it?

So, than, after some relaxing, I cut a saloof to size changing triangles, and dipped them in my salsa.
It was nothing like the doritos way.
The salse tasted like the least spicy schoog (it's a lot like salsa, but it can be green, and it will burn your tongue, if you eat in the wrong proportions, which is not recommended)), and it was a quite weird combination between Yemen and Iraq.
Somebody should open a restraunt with those meals.
I volunteer as your chef.


So, then, Guitar.
I suck.
As the usual.
But weird thing.
I remembered the harder things in that music and not the simpler parts (like, the weirder shaped are burnt in my braid, but only one note I forget, I feel like a retard tamagutchi, I'm going to lay an egg in five days).
So, my bridges are slwoly getting better.
But I don't know if it's still the clarinet fuck up.
When I played the clarinet, I had to hold my fingers with some weird shape.
The opposite of Guitar.
Over two years passed.
And my fingers are fucked up.
Fucking stupid motorical ways.

I did 65 crunches in the shower.
It was nice.
I was supposed to do 30 and 30.
But I decided to be hundred precent sure that it was at least 120  for the day.


Well, I forgot what I wanted to say.
Awkward.
So it's the end.


WAIT.
I remember!

I invited Maya S and Mya G to come to my place so we'll make cookies together.
They liked the taste.
I didn't.
I don't like flour.
I like my food with fats and protein and viatmins.
I want some cous cous tomorrow, I'll eat them with tomato soup.

Well.
I really hated it when they came.
Acutually.
When Maya G came.
She is nothing else but a fucking copy of MB.
Just shallow.
She's even infecting Maya DS.
gladly, in this insanity I have Keren (Keren, Oh Keren), which is my friend, she became my best friend.
And thats weird, because we aren't close.
Well.
That's what I got from life.
And that's what I take.
When I left a liar, betrayer, hurting devil who pretended to be my best friend, another person who was my best friend become one.
Oh the fucking joy or ironic acts.
It's not what I expected.
But fuck it.

Chills attack!

So, what am  I supposed to do, now?
Like.
I have barely time to do anything.
I have to finish tomorrow my book report (fucking stupid idea to me, if I'd like to read, I'd read my own books for my own pleasure, because night star that's on my shelf is begging me to read it, and same with  Becka's book, because I have to know Patch from beginning.

I hate people who make me hate myself.
Like MG (nice nickname, if Yali is Mega Bitch=MB, MG fits perfectly!).
Thinks she's fat and saying it out loud, I guess she feels joy when making me suffer knowing that I'm fatter than her, and she knows she's not fat.
When she says hurtful lies.
When she blames everybody.
When she laughs at you.
When she detroys your life when you are not looking.
Oh, why?

This thing better to gather it's shit together and pay off when I'll escape that hell I'm calling "my country".
So.
While I'm half the time staring in some weird sketch I made in school.
It's almost eleven.
So it's goodnight for the blog.

And for me it's an invatation for waiting that cinderella will drop her stupid shoe.
I think Disney Channel should put cinderella on Wednessday nights, so when the movie's midnight strikes, the midnight in real life strikes!
BAM.
*GETTING SO MANY PROMOTIONS THAT I BECOME THE BOSS*
My first command is to make Mickey Evil again.
Because fuck yes.
As it was supposed to be from the first place.


Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it

Don't worry, we are Regulars

It's not the usual beginning of a post, but since when we have regulars? Everything in here should be different, except the ending, it's good for knowing it's the real blog, and even when the background changes, it's still it.
So:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/tabathaleggett/incredibly-intricate-pictures-you-werent-believe-werent-p
This beautiful thing is more then just something you can describe in words.
It's like, all the goodness in the world, but in shades of blue and green, and coated with chocolate and nuts (but if you are allergic to nuts, so it will be sprinkles).
I loved it.
I can't even say what are my favorites.
It's almost everything.
The butterfly one is not a one that I liked.
But everything there.
That photographer is a brilliant man.

....

I'm jealous of the children with all of those suburbs chores, and those kids with divorced parents, sometimes orphans too.
I'm jealous out of every white kid, or black, I'm jealous of people with beautiful hair, and with big eyes.
I'm jealous of those tiny skinny girls, and the loved fat ones.
I'm jealous of those ones with a pretty big room, or that huge wardrobe because they are rich.
I'm jealous of those kids that everything comes easy to them, and those kids who have willpower.
I'm jealous of those that their parents don't give a shit about, and those ones who can go outside without any shame.
I'm jealous of those ones that can wear everything they want, because they feel confident in it, and the ones who have the body for it.
I'm jealous about those talented people, and of those normal ones.
I'm jealous of those who are in school everyday, and those who have fun.
I'm jealous of everybody in England or North America.
I'm jealous of the ones that aren't being called annoying daily by everyone, and the ones who are getting compliments.
I'm jealous of the ones that just don't have to fake things.

But with it, and with all the things I ever learned.
I know my life are pretty awesome.
I'm not in the best moment of my life, because I haven't reached it.
Not like the other people, that might reach it too soon (Like Bugs, and not Daffy), and I know I'm going good.
I go to school only five days a week, and the sixth for a special school, where I learn even more things.
Sometimes they are boring, sometimes not.
And I try my best at keeping up, so I would good grades, and the entry to the sort of high school class I want will be easier.
I do my hardest for myself.
So I could be proud of myself.
So I won't ever end up like all the other people.
I don't have many people that I care about.
And it's good.
Because, if not for myself, than, for who?
Not for my parents.
Or my teachers.
Or everybody else I know.
For myself.
I wait that my sun will shine, and I plan it to be the best of all suns in the fucking universe.
And this place?
The biggest scrapbook of my memories.
My story.
My life.
Shared, with people I never saw, never heard of, never had any kind of interaction with, but they know me, better than anybody else.
And you are became part of me.

You are people, probably the best things that happened to me.
The people who cared enough, and tried more than everybody else to understand, that stayed, and supported, and were just there, to a little girl, that is confused, and have no idea what she ever did wrong.
But you are.
You just care, and you are there for me.
I don't know if I could ever tell you how much I love you for doing so.
Because.
In some way.
You saved my life.
Not music as many people believed it saved them.
Not like religion, that even more.
But you, few angels that sent from fucking earth, to protect.
You are a part of the rare angels that are on earth.
You know.
That they I promised you I won't kill myself, and I will post almost everyday, to prove you that no matter what, you can stay alive?
It helped me, a lot.
That they I wrote about never becoming a number in the statics chart?
That you are more than just a number?
I always remind it to myself, when I actually consider ending it up, because it's not that hard.

At least I didn't stole my friends' pills they had, because they were sick on the past few days.


You are the best thing ever.
You deserve to get a prize.
For saving a life.
Because you are my heroes.
The people around the world with Internet connection.
The people that never said a word, but it was enough.

....

I'll never be able to show you how much it means to me.
It means the world to me.
Wait.
No.
It means much more.
It means the life for me.
You gave me a gift that only few person can give you, the will to live.
So yes, maybe my father's ejaculations and my mothers uterus created my beating heart, and my slightly overly used flesh, but nothing ever told me that life is worthy like you  did.

Today, I got bored to death.
I'm so annoying.
All day I was like "die" "why are you so fucking annoying?!" "stop" "now" "you deserve it" "I wish you could die" and each part was meant for myself.
At least I drew hally potel and his enemy voldemolt.
It's weird.
But since it was Chinese lesson, and I felt super racist (most people can feel happy, sad, angry and such, I can feel racist, it's great), so Chinese aren't super good at pronouncing R's, so it sounds like L', and that's how hally potel was created.
And I also drew them.
Hally looked like a fucking egg with a thunder on it's forehead, and voldemolt wore a bikini and egg's insides of Hally's dead parents.

Nice of me.
And I drew some sort of a family.
It started from a guy who wore girl's clothing, his name is Steve.
And then a sister for Steve, Carla, which wears guys clothing.
And than parents, La-queesha and George, LQ wore a female shirt and male pants, and have a mustache and ponytails, and George, well, he had those comics looking butt chins (why I like watching superhero movies, the fucking chins, they look like tiny butts!), and weird chin, like a fucking stairs or something, had his hair combed backwards with gel (like all the guys I know, and it doesn't always look good, because their hair is naturally pretty!) and he wore manly shirt, and skirt with those fishnet pantyhose with ballet flats.
Healthy family.

Well.
I'm going to watch TV, until 9:30, and then play with my iPhone, and wake up early enough so I will be able to watch TV/draw.
I'm working on some greenhaired elf, with a purple haired friends, it's hard to explain but I'll show you it when I think it's the time.

For now, my first finished one with naked tits.
Naked boobs are hard.
And the hair.

I'm proud of myself.
But I know I could do better with the hair.
And the tits and face.
But I like the knee shading I've done.
And the light stripes.
I have a lot to learn.
But I'm getting better each time.
And it's good.
Every slight baby step for achieving your goal is still a step to success.


 Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.