Pink Psycho.

Well, today my family and I went for visiting my grandma.
It wasn't pretty good, well, actually I have no idea, I napped all the fucking time.
But that's only becuase I fall asleep daily around midnight.
And we went to some strawberry field, we grabbed some strawberries.
We payed 20 only for entery (because you can eat them right from the ground), and extra 20 for a box to fill.
I didn't ate them from the ground, that's fucking disgusting!
I'm not eating things that aren't clean!
I just don't do it.
And becaue I didn't let my mother take pictures with my barely alive iPhone, she told me and my sister we have 3 day punishment without the iPhone.
She cancelled it when my dad told her how ridiculous it is.
My dad is like the island in her sea of insanity and needing to over control.

Well.
Today wasn't very good day.
A complete waste of time.
But at least I watched some seven year old wearing a dress of  Monster High explaining her doll collection.
From there it just got better... Or worse, depends...
I watched a girl playing with her barbies, and it looked awful, I saw fucking barbies have sex.
I also saw bunch of kids doing the cup song, and they failed..
And kids singing.
And I mocked them all.
Until in some magica way.
I found that:
You Posted That on Facebook?
Oh, Ellen...
I only got to that guy with the planter (Geared Hanson, or something that sounds alike, but don't try to trust me, I'm not very good with names... Or hearing), and  I felt embarassed for him.
People all over the world saw it.

Once on Tumblr I saw something called Anorexic Bulimic confessions.
And one wrote "I just heard my dad binge and purge... Well, you know what they say, eating disorders are gentical", it explains it all.
My dad? Professional binger.
And it just destroys me.
I have to find a way to make myself stop.
Because you have no idea how embarassing and humiliating it is, to weigh more than your mother!
You just feel disgusting...
And fat...
And ugly...
You feel like a disgusting monster.
You feel like a creature that needs to be exterminated, like you don't belong to earth.
This is a huge thing in my self hatred thing.
Why can't I just be like all those people who can starve themselves and won't mind.
Like my sister, she's used to barely eating!
I will change.
I have to.
I just need to burn it in my mind.
You are not good enough until you are skinnier than your mother.

I'm so sorry.
But this is it.
I won't suffer from feeling disgusting!
I can't stop.
I shouldn't stop.
I don't care that I can't have anorexia.
It's not  even her fucking choice if I come in or not, she'll accept me and I don't give a shit!
I have to lose weight.
And anorexia works faster.
So yes I can try dieting.
But it's impossible.
I need to cut chocolate.
I have to.
No more milk.
Becoming more vegan every day is a wonderous solution!
Eating less of this disgusting food!
And on movies Diet coke!
Like tomorrow!
I can not and shall not eat!
Why?
Because I'm fatter than my mother.

I feel dizzy.
Probably just my hatred of myself.
Or letting my insanity go free in my head, and merge.
Great...
Oh, so fucking great.


I'll never understand white girls that aer tanning.
You have no idea what I would do to be white.
You have no fucking idea.
Everybody assumes I'm fucking gothic when I wear my everyday clothes, which is the uniform (black leggings) and my hoodie, it sometimes black and sometimes white, and that's because my earring, and my hair.
I'm so fucking sorry for having black hair that immediatley catalogizes me as a gothic, or like those dumbfucks I see daily.
One girl wants to go to a fucking camp in america (jealous because it's around the warped tour, though I'll go there around 16, with, I don't know, friends? but knowing she won't go there, because she's not into that music), and she's like the terrible gangstar/stupid douches are, just the female version.
It's very similiar, she's usually is darker skin (not neccsary black, but mostly in some weird brown color), dark hair, addicted to pink and pop and middle eastern hebrew music, cannot speak English, a complete retard, have annoying voice you just want to murder, and think they are gorgeous, which they are all ugly, and they have quite nasty comments, and are bullying everybody.
Her name is Savion (I would hate my parents if they would call me after some flower, not that my name is better, but it's amusing when it's in songs/movies/couples with nicknames), and she said to her friends (also those kind of people) that she's going to camp so she needs to learn English, and now they need to call her Shoshana (another flower name, awful, I know), and then he talked to her in English, and then she said "Don't talk to me in long English words, I'm not that good" in Hebrew, obviously.

She wil be a parent one day.
She is part of this country's future!
ARE YOU SURPRISED THAT I WANT TO LEAVE?!

Well, one day, at science, bunch of girls took selfies together, faking smiles, and faces, and then doing this "Oh I didn't know that there's a picture" pose and "OH! I'M SURPRISED!" pose and the famous "Don't look at me! I'm hiding my face slightly away!" pose.
I was with my iPhone, and I stopped doing what I was doing, espacially for giving them my special pose of "What the fuck are you doing? This is so stupid" combined with resting bitch face, it was my "I'm disrespecting you" face.
And the girl that took the selfies with them looked at me and she had some "I'm sorry for doing so, I'm regretting, my apologize master, I'm embarssed" face, and I smiled slightly as I looked back to my iPhone.
I was trying to hide my laughter.
Why people think I need you to sorry for your behavior.
It's too late anyway, I think you are stupid.

I stopped with selfies around the fourth grade, I understood I'm ugly, so I stopped.
This is awkward.

But not MTV Awkward!
I like watching it.
I personally enjoy only insults in many shows (X factor is a great example, if Simon isn't there, the show is not what I like).
Sadie, well, there is no good way to describe it.
Her insults are awful, hurting, and just, umm, looking so bitchy, and I don't have the correct words to define!


There is one thing that really annoys me in schools.
UNI-FUCKING-FORMS.
Every day I wear almost the same clothing.
This is so awful!
It's why I can't wait for highschool (that, and the fact that I might go for photographing, or art, or computing, probably computing, to take down all the cyberbullies!).
And it's so exhausting to look like those TV people, like Arthur that are wearing the same thing every morning, and I want to be Martin, to wake up each morning something else (I loved that show!).


I counted 3 kevins.
Awkward: Jenna's father.
That boy that is having some hormonal disease that causing him to be really huge.
And another one that I forgot.
I always forget them.
But I got two that I remember.
And I'll forget that Awkward.
So, the only last Kevin is him, I feel really bad for him, because British Airways couldn't take him back home.

I started it as something else, but I ended it up like that.

Do you like it?
I'm still a bit stuck with hair, and skin, but I can proudly say that I think it came out pretty good!
And the lips, I did tem by accident, I tried to create the shadow for them, and then I saw that if you put it on overlay, it looks pretty good, then I just added a layer on put some pink and white and it looked good!
I wanted at first to make it some crazy girl who self harmed, but I changed to a bit of killer, psycho pink haired one.
She's nothing like Aelita when it comes to this.
Not all pink haired girls are the same.
Some own a virtual world place, some save the world from evil tech powers, and some I draw randomly.

Well, since it's almost twelve,  I guess this is goodnight or goodbye, however you'd like it.

This was my weird post, and it's the end of it.

Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Longer

I really like all of those comments!
They are really funny, and serious, but then the comments for their comment, the whole almost 800 main comments and and around 300-400 comments for the main ones, it together created over 1100 comments!

Who is that wonderful writer that shocked the interentet media?
She's some female who wasn't very Jewish, but then she decided she found god and now is on the crazier side of Judaism.
And thats cool for her and shit, but I don't like one of her sentences.
Why?
Because she lives in my fucking city!
I don't want her to live here!
So what if she have all the rights to live here?
Does it mean that it's totally fine with me the over taking?!
You know it's terrifying me.
When I searched about the atheistic movement in Israel, it was a pretty small, obivously, every sane person would run away from Israel as fast as he can, but they won't, I don't know why, but they won't.
Well, they talk a lot about the religous and the overly tight connection to te country, and the over taking.
But when I looked up on the city names list, I checked up a few that are already known as "their" place, and then I saw something I didn't want to see, my city.

Gladly, few years from now, and bye bye Israel, because I'm not willing to stay in here.
Actually, who will want to come here and "Support" (send money) his "Jewish brothers" (people who take your money and waste it for the name of "God", and that "God" is probably a prostitute).
I fly away.
The things I like and can become a job, won't make me earn enough for living.
And it was -and is- proven, that outside that hole of garbage, there is enough, and way more, because this money will be enough for family, a nice house or apartment, and for vacation, and the best, is that you can enjoy what you do.
Here? not really.

Wow, They got pretty successfull!
I'm really proud of them!
Seriously!
Two or three of my friends are Directioners (I believe that this is how you spell it), and they made up a facebook page, where they do the shit they like, and one direction related topics, and I think that for a beginner with a plenty of people that do the same as you, 117 likes are pretty good!

I would make one, but I shouldn't.
Why?
Well, my dad put some spying on facebook thingy in my laptop, and I can't, so this is why I'm blogging here more than ever.
Because I have no other option!
Though, I would love to make friends with young people like me, that are stuck in this hole.
Sadly, I have no idea where I can go.
I should just start making a web, and somehow, slowly, people will get into it.
Why?
I don't know.
But you are working the same.
I opened a blog, and somehow people came reading.
And now I have a bunch of people that find my blog worth reading!
I should bake a cake to celebrate, but I hate cakes.
So...
I would enjoy a bowl of soup this evening!
I made a tomato soup that is incredbile!
And truly enjoyable with some bread, I wish I had some of the homemade!

Guys I'm so fucking excited.
There's a huge chance that today I'm going to watch the movie!
I truly hope so!

I really want to go to that movie...
Actually, who wouldn't?

Fuck.
Why today  can't my mother do anything.
Seriously, most perfect day to go there.
Because the other days are harder.

Okay, what the fuck parents want from their kids?
Why all of my friends have an unmissable family dinner on Fridays!
YOUR FUCKING FAMILY WON'T DIE BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T EAT WITH THEM!
This is a friendsip killer.

All those family and their stupid meals.


Okay, coolest theatere room choice ever!
Somebody should thank the picker because the seats line are in the same number of districts!
AND THERE IS PLACE FOR THREE IN THE THIRTEENTH ONE!
Holy crap, this is brillaint!


Fuck, really shitty.
Why do your couisins think it's the exact great timing to come visit you when WE NEED TO WATCH THAT DAMN MOVIE?!
Fuck you Britian and the British relatives of my friends, seriously.


Really bitch? Really?
Are you kidding me?
You go without even considering telling me, and telling every fucking body but me, and now you join?!
I don't say it often, but, special events require special words.
I really hate you, your innocence bullshit of "oh I'm so pure hearted and innocnet"! How pure can you be after preety much backstabbing the girl who asked up you and him to go to the first movie anyway.
You are a bunch a lies packed up in a human form.
I don't give a shit about your stress and unending anixety, you just stomped my heart along with the other monster.

Ugh!
When will people understand that it's not fucking okay to do so?!
It's even not some kind of unwritted rule, because it's so fucking obivous!

And people wonder why I hate so many things...
TRUST ISSUES ARE RECREATED ENDLESSLY IN MY LIFE.
That's it.


...


I LOST ALL OF THEM!
You have no idea how furustrating is it to lose all of your piercings!
WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY HIDING?!
Where did I put them?
Why I am such a good hider?!
I should work in the Army, no matter how secretive the information is, even if I'll be forced to tell the secrets, I won't, because I won't remember them anyway!

...

I'm sick of being all upset becasue that my parents are spoling my brother and treating me like I'm worthless, so yes they probably don't doing with intention to do it (or they are, but it doesn't matter anymore), but it hurts, it's just lies combined, wanting to me to be "healed" and sending me to a therapy (that by now never worked, because, guess what? Still wants to bleed, the only difference is that I'm denying what I want to do), and they don't really care.
I'm sick of getting punished with a stupid time outs or shit, it was easier when she just beated us up.
It just makes me sit, looking at my fat body, seeing that I have potential, and telling me that I don't need food, and then wishing how it looked, inside my head I can already see me, struggling to not scream, because of the pain of bloody hips, because this is what I deserve.
Instead, I just sit in my bed, writing my soul out, with some a painting that looked much better on that guy's chest as a tattoo printed with some crappy printer and A4 paper, and trying to keep myself warm.

How funny.
The monster hates herself.


I really want to die.
My mom is too dramatic to be a parent.
My head screams to me that I should kill myself.
My body says to avoid cutting, and so does my brain, because extanding my therapy is not an option.
And my computer says "relax".
And I listen to them all.
On my bed, instead of the beanbags, because less then one meter from my beanbag, there's my backpack, with the razor in the pencil case.
Which I'm not going to get close to, not now, I don't want to get to a therapy and extra support groups, which anyway we'll do shit we are not supposed to do.
And since I'm relaxing and still want to die, I hear "Don't You Worry Child" of Swedish House Mafia.

Great.
Just great.
Because right now.
I'm celebrating the holiday.
Of the one year anniversary, because I don't remember the exact date, but this holiday is it.
And on that holiday.
Self harm began.
How fucking fabolous, because right now, that bottle of glue seems tempting.

....


WHAT THE FUCK JAPAN?!
Hanako of the Toilet?!
WHAT THE FUCK?!
DO YOU WANT ME TO GET A HEART ATTACK?!
This is way to creepy!
Just search for it's trailer and you'll understnad.


Well, this is another end of the day.

Goodbye or Goodnight, I'm not so sure anymore, because sleeping isn't real anymore...

Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

So long!

Wait, what?
Saudi Arabia is reading me!
That's so fucking awesome!
I only see word, TENDEM, this is the thing when people help you with a new language you learn, and you do the same for them!
So, I'm offering myself as English and Hebrew, and you can offer yourself mostly for me for Arabic, because the numbers and I, well, not such a good relationship, it all look the same!
Well, if I could spell now marhaba, I would, and will do it with the letters, but I can't because I haven't learned M and H (well, you know what I mean with H, the letter that comes from the throat), so I can't.

I just finished Jackass 2, and these are my heroes, this is so fucking icredible, when they dressed up as a terrorist, and the taxi driver just tried to kill him, and he wan an actor, and this is so awesome!
And I continued a bit with this movie Down to Earth.
It took me a while to wonder why that fourteen year old boy had a bullet in his head.
When  I got it, I was sad.
So what if it didn't happen, but somewhere right now, it might be the case, and maybe everybody around is worried, or that only somebody will find the body, already rotten.
Well, at least he got what he wanted... I guess...

And now for something more obvious.
Miss, I think you forgot that there is a still breathing monster you created and tried to destroy, and you keep stomping over it, with a fucking spikes shoe!
So yes, this monster, she sees what you are doing, and for you happiness, nobody can see it, because nobody understands it.
Oh, I should crawl into a whiny ball because I'm nothing compared to you and your vicous pleasure, death is fun, and killing a monster is even better.
Should I clap? Because your acting is wonderful, this game you are bothering to play so well, making me senseless, and this is incredible, applause for your highness, killer.
She knows that such an immortal perfect monster is deathproof, but you can easily hurt her, defeating is harder, but she comes back after a while.
A marionette for you, you just pull a thread, and here I am, following your plan, you cut a thread, and my head is out of control, here I am, leaded by you, wishing it will all go.
But it won't.
Because it's you that created this monster.
You putted her to be special, and afterwards, threw her off like your other ragdolls, and that weird thing?
That not like the other monster, she's not like the others, you made this special mistake, by cutting her head thread, she thinks by herself, and willing to fight.
It's a battleground, creation versus creator.
This match's ending is obvious, known from beginning, creatures will always lose to their creators.
And, since to that little fuck up, she will still want to fight, kill, destroy, to never stop until she sees all the blood, pouring out.
It eats her up from the inside, she can't fight, but she wants it so bad.
She knows there is one person that she can fight against, and this person won't say a word.

Herself.


I'm sorry, it supposed to start as a real thing to complain about, but I don't know how, everything happened so fast, and I got sucked into that story.


Is it weird that I feel comfortable only with T shirts and leggings?
Or a hoodie with leggings?
I just feel uncomfortable wearing something else, I feel ugly, disgusting, freakish creature, a disaster.
This is so annoying, I wish I could lose weight with doing nothing, but life is not a dream, and that's it, I'm going a high calorie bingey monster because I'm out of green apples!
What am I supposed to do without my apples?!
I have nothing to eat!
Well, here it goes, for ice cream or some sort of this junk.
This is the holdiay of nothingness!



I WAS RIGHT!
It was Close To Me when the disco ball came down!
I really like that movie Accepted!
That's pretty much all I think that what school is and what's school should be like in one great movie.

...


I watch now detention.
And there is so much blood.
Starting with that gothic calustrophobic (it means that she's afraid of santa claus, as patrick knows) girl, that slept in a coffin for a while, and we all know, that the trendy sleeping coffin for teens must have speakers in, if you saw that movie I'm talking about.
And that drama rich slutty girl and her insides... oh... this is pretty much awful...
And that frantic killer, and then the other girl is killing him, and on the same time, another boy dies (I think he dies) when he have a dream that some boy is telling him something about cutting his wrists, and then he wakes up, to see he's fine, and the teacher is there, and then he wakes up again! and then his wrists are bleeding, and he dies.
Well, I'm like that boy, just that for me it actually happens in a dream, but I don't wake up for the second time, and discover it actually happened...
And Gaberial!
Why all the evil people/spirits have a need to kill, even if it's not the origianls, so yeah, let's make it a family tradition, I killed him, my father killed him, and now it's your turn to kill him, there you go son *handeling a fifteen year old weapons and ghostbusters equipment*, this is really weird.

Now that I finished it, I'm quite dissapointed.
Because all throught that movie, the digital fire effects, clearly looked fake, like, come on, you can do better than that!


...


Why am I doing this to myself?
Destroying myself...
I know that this song is breaking my heart, making me feel like the worst being alive.
Great...
Like some anorexics have their special Ana girl, I got mine, some weird duplicate of myself, hating myself, punishing me, pushing me over the edge each time.
Fucking great...
I'm such a monster...


I fucking hate my self esteem.
I want it lowest as possible, be a fucking doormat, that won't show that it's caring for what you said, but afterwards will be miserable!
I hate me.
And it doesn't effect me!
I'm trying to do everything!
Why can't I be that kind of a girl that will over react and grow some mental problems that will forever scar her soul and will make her body change as well?
Why can't I be her?!

Well, all I need is to get hit by enough insults, until I'll break, and will be ready.
I want words to effect!
I want to crash!
I want to feel the pain each time somebody calling you "FAT", I want that the whole wold will call you fat!
I'm talking to myself, about hating myself.

What's the matter with me?!


...



Okay, Watermelon Man sounds much better with background insturments, and without a fucking saxsophone in your ears!
Well, it changes pretty much everything.

...


Today, in the morning, I woke up to the thought that I know somebody cares, somebody who understands, somebody that can actually make me smile, and will make me happy, and this person, is probably the one I'll never leave, he's perfect, and people often can't see his inside.
This boy is Yuval.
And his pretty much a legend, at least, for me.
Because, I just saw everything he passed through, I know what he lives with, and I know what he can do.
He can save a life.
He can write endlessly his feelings out.
From poems about pain or love or hate, to stories about dark passions, and hopes.
This is incredible to just stay awake and watch the prettiest poems.
Not of people who graduated literture degree or is a professional author, it's an idea from a fresh mind, a free spirit.
And, though it might seem quite depressing.
It's not.
He's not.
He's one of the happiest kids in the world to me.
He gets me.
He cares.

And the day got better, with enjoying with Shani in the practice.


So let me tell you, that yesterday, we talked about his favorite fandom.
The Hunger Games, he's pretty famous in the community of Israeli Hungers.
And we talked we should all go to the movie together.
We had hard time setting a time, because, well, it's hard.
And he told me something unacceptable!
Keren went with her friend to the movie without me!
She promised!
And she lied... as expected.
But he, they asked him if he wants to join, and though it's his favorite fandom, he said that he will watch it with me! And so did Daniel! This is so much fun!
I really missed Daniel, the last movie I watched with him was on the second grade, and it was spiderwick, or however it spelled.
...

Fuck! I'm getting better, I don't want to get better!

Why can't I just be broken.
Why am I doing this to myself?!
I don't want it to happen!
If I'll keep going, I'll lose the ability to feel.
I'll be a fool, like I used to be.
I'll die again from the inside.
And I don't want to be recovered.
Because crashing doesn't hurt less the seventh time, nor the sixth, fifth, fourth, third, and second.

I feel like I'm going to die from a heartbreak when I hear You Found Me of The Fray.
The first time I heard that song, was on an anorexic girl recovevry video.
And I'm slowly dying when I'm just not letting myself cry.
This is not only to avoid feelings, it's also a thing of control.
I must control something, dominate it.

...

I wonder if I'll ever find people wanting to do the same as me.
Well, it just makes me to hope that you are in my age range, and willing to let people do what they really want and interested in, because how can you say you are living when your life is a complete borderom and anixety or sortly, a depressing time you are going to survive through.

So yes, I dream to be incredible.
And enjoy because, the clock is ticking (tick tock this is a clock -had to do this!) and who knows how much time I got?
 And until then, let me go out, live my life, and have better kids, because this is not a life.

Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

I officially...

"I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim"
Well, can I tell you something?
There are two ways to kill demons, burning them, and drowning them.
So yes, that worm looking demon that got into Nick's body, it died, but so did Nick, but it's better than burning him, because he had chance of staying alive with drowning, but not much with fire.
People should understand that demons can not swim.
They drown, they always drown.
Those stupid evil worms will make you miserable, and will destroy all your surrondings with their evil super powers.

Well, unless you are getting some weird spell on you, that will make you look insane, like a frozen 40 year old, that won't sleep, eat, or anything, but when they will come back from their hell, they will suffer, destroy an attmept to murder you and you evil dark powers because that John Blackwell fucked your mother and ran away, and will have one night stand with her friend, which is terribly wrong and evil, and getting your hands full of blood for the magic, and your hands will have an evil black power blackwell tattoo.

Oh Mike....
Why?
Well, Mike wore some weird jacket, I don't know if it's leather, or those motorbike coats, but it got those dinosaur spikes on the back, that is kind of matching his mohawk hair.
But that 13 year old child that Mike is making him the weird thingy, well, his hair...
Why?

Many people don't understand that short hair is not working for anybody, and same with long.
No matter what are you doing, hair care, and skin care, and health care are important.
Seriously, you are fucking thirteen!
Don't you put the stupid 50 gallons of hair gel just to put it spikey in the edge?
It's pretty much what every guy that have hair is doing, if he's not keeping it pretty and long.
I know four guys with good looking long hair (I don't mean girls long, but I mean for guys long), and another guy whose hair... Well, just no.
Only one of them is nice, the rest.....
Well, they are slightly more bitchy.
In the three of the rude part, well I can easily rank them, hair, and behavior.

It's only have one bad part....
Which is the fact that if the hair looks alike, I'd probably get confused easily, because Ii'm bad with names, and remembering people.
So yes, if your hair is special, or just different, I'd probably become your friend easily, because I'll know your name, and could call you out in every occasion.


I should go to a support group, of those people with obssesions that don't really want to let go of, but let others know as well.
I'm obssesed with Anorexics mostly, Bulimics less, and I don't mind with self harm, just to scare me a bit more, only for the fun, and Judaism, and cults as well, because lately, I can't tell the difference, it's all the same.

Each night I have dreams, or nightmares, it became impossible to describe.
In my dreams, I'm the friend of my devil, my creator, my destroyer, yes, her, MB.
The one who took me off my ground, to a better place, then kicked me out of heaven.
I know that each night I have bad sleeping.
Every dream like that is making my sleeping go worse.
I'm afriad to fall asleep tonight.
It's like my life is passing in my head throught the night, and I'm terrified.
There is always a feeling of pain.
I can't describe, but it feels like the pain that you can't feel, you know it hurts, you react as it hurt you the same, but you don't feel it, not a single evidance that it ever happened.
And everything is going so fast, and so slow in the same time, so weird, I get dizzy, it feels like drowning in your own dream.

I don't know.
I'm confused.
And I'm full of fear, anger, sorrow, but mostly hormones.
And I'm trying to do things I can't, proving myself I'm better... from myself...
I try my hardest, and still fail.
So yes! Don't try to fucking expect me to get good grades, have social life, and stay alive in the same time without being a fucking target for myself.
You don't have a fucking idea what it's like to not want to be in those stupid holidays, or to be one of the black children, or to miss a day weekly, and go to a therapist you hate, and so many things!
And guess what?
I'm not ready!
It's not the way I planned it, because right now I'm not an eternal sixteen year old white girl with long light brown-blond hair, and I'm not rich enough to go to the mall all the time, am I?!
I can't sleep at nights like a person, I can't stop thinking about terrible things, I just count the days to leave the damn place! Because I'm fucking sick of hiding!
And I'm sick of all those cellphone check-ups, or the physical ones, because guess what?
I do want to harm my body, because I constantly feel like I deserve it, so instead I slam on myself insults and get frustrated when it doesn't effect me at fucking all! But I don't want this punishment called "therapy" because that shit is just not working!
You suck the last drops of life from me, making me want to die.
And I try to convince myself that my life is worth living, because it's only few more years, and I'm out!
I can't do those struggling against myself.
Against them.
Against her...
Look, I'm just willing right now to go and grab my small tiny razor, and make cuts, small ones, the ones that looks exactly like tiny scratces, all over my body, and then to scream until I can't feel anymore.
And I can't explain it, but this is what I want to do.
That's what I can't wait to do.
To scream, and bleed, and be humiliated by my own damn self.

And this is me.
Just going to be a fuckign stupid teen that will have to amuse herself with dark humor jokes, that will probably hurt everybody I know in some ways.

I know it sounds awful what I want to do to myself now...
But that weird thing in my head tells me to do it, and another one tells me to stop, and I just freeze in front of this screen, afraid.
I want it, hundreds of scars on my body.
Why?
Because I deserve it.
I deserve all the hate in the world.
And here I am.
Crying.
Because I know it's true.

I know I don't want to live anymore, because slowly my life came meaningless to me.
And it's not what I wanted to happen.

Why am I crying?!
I'm so stupid!
I deserve it all.
I deserve to suffer.
I deserve to bleed, I deserve to feel all the pain as possible.
I really need to die.


That's it people.
I officially hate my self.



...



What's wrong with me!
I'm such a disgusting monster!
I wish I could make it stop.
Make it all stop.


....



I'm better now, some time past, I continued with my digital painting.
I'm not good at all with the hair, I need to practice, but my skin is getting a bit better!
Well, drawing is better for me.


Good night, I hope I'll sleep tonight!

Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

All those children emotionless faces....

How weird, I posted yesterday, and it didn't publish it, it's not fair, so now it's the link of what's happened yesterday, on Extras, obviously.

Well, I just clicked on something that seemed interesting in the Jewish arcticle part of the pretty popular Israeli news site.
I was no less then shocked.
There is some cult, in Canada (no more the just innocent neighbor of USA, with the maple and the ice, and the weird behaviours that won't fit how Israel works), and it's Jewish, well, not anymore, I can easily call it a new religous behavior that includes misery to control.
Making others become puppets, make them suffer, be the one that will decide who will stay alive tonight, his beautiful dolls.
Well, this insane person reminds me of a movie I watched once, I don't remember it's name, and if you do, please help, well, it's about a woman, she's a therpaist, she is going inside others heads and help them to cure themselves, then, a story about a man that is mentally ill, he likes perfect women, blonde, skinny, he makes dolls of them, making him to feel that he owns them, and then, he kidnapps them, rapes them, and then kills them.
Well, this is sick what this man is leading.
People are going after him, waiting for him to give the answer.
And the question is  Life.
The children's faces look like the face of holocaut, it's what one victim said, children there have empty faces, this is the most terrifying idea everv for me, people, young children, are not happy, they don't even know there's a chance for happy!
And, each night, no song or a story, not a hug, and definetaly not a kiss! Why is that?
They claim that emotion is not a Jewish behavior and is wrong.
What the fuck?
Since when?
Wait...
I know!
Since that the ill person decided to...

Seriously, they give mental ill people a bad name, if I was addicted to control (and gladly, I stopped and will explain later), they just destroy all the people like them.

Well, now it's time to explain why I'm not addicted any longer to control.
I used to be a terrible perfectionist....
Until my techer told me what it is, and my mother agreed with her that I am one.
I decided to change.
Ever since I just care less, and less, and less.
It's great.
I'm not stressed anymore.
Seriously, bye bye insonmania, bye bye unstable self, bye bye constant fear of failing.
And I'm the one who did that therapy.
Fuck you therapsits, you can't force somebody to change!

I can't be magically "healed" from depression and sadness and my sarcastic, shitty, rude, and amusing.
So yes, I will make every little thing to become depressing and will personally laugh at it, because most people will look at me with "What the fuck is wrong with you?" face, and nobody get that humor.
Like that nobody gets what's so funny about the scenrio that a clown/scarecrow (I just find them as the best killers ever), trying to get into your car and murder you with a knife, and they try to open the door, and it's locked, and they are dissapointed.
I find it funny.
And I really enjoy being happy and joining to others happiness, when I'm around friends that know how actually crazy I can be, I feel very comfortable telling to people what I think, mostly if it's clothing commenting like telling to all those athletes who decide to go run almost naked at the evening "DRESS UP!" and to tell happy birthday or telling to people they look cute together, or that they are pretty.
Why?
I don't know, it's just me.

Well, after enjoying some of those reaction videos of Onision.
I'm going to enjoy some private shit on my iPhone, which is obviously the obsessed metriasls, and probably anorexia stories.

I'm dangerously obsessed to mentally ill people.
Hypochondria of mental illnesses, I have it.


Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Nothing New

I hate her.
Seriously, I was considering to try to choke myself a bit with some rope I have, knowing it won't kill me, but only for the pain that will finally distract me from my curennt emotional pain.

She makes me miserable.
She makes me to want to die.
And she yells at me that I'm not leaving her, not leaving Israel.
Great, why won't you make me to be in the highly populated crowd of suffering people, anyway you can't live here and can't live like a person, you just stay here because you are afraid and raise another generation of miserable children in a terrible country.

She's screaming now, complaining about something.
I just heard my name in that yells of her.
I'm just happy hearing the songs in the letter R on full volume.
Who the fuck wants to live here anyway...

I wish I could just become some powerful creature and I should dissapear and join the others, to a better place.


I never noticed how calming and beautiful it is to hear music, and in the background roaring fights.
It's magical.
You are in a small bubble of heavinly peace while outside hatred is storming.
Like drinking a cup of sweet hot tea/cocoa while outside is raining.
Or watching any movie (works better for me with thrillers and horror movies, for others it's mostly for some depressing chick flick) with some strawberries and whipped creme, or ice cream with hot chocolate syrup, or strawberries with how chocolate.

Yay, Romance is now.
It makes my wrist hurt only by hearing it.
You have no idea how painful it is, somehow, each time I play it, the bone edge (left hand, wrist, left as possible, and there's a bone) is just in pain.


Well, only around 10 more years I'm here.
Well, until I'll join the army it's six, and then army which is almost three years, combined it's nine, and then I'll have to work hard -very hard- to gather money, probably 2 jobs and free time is for studying.
Yes, life will be stressful thing, but with my life style, it'll be good.

I just watned to say that in some point of the day I planned to drink some cleaning liquids, and to try to kill myself, but my dad was next to me afterwards, and my dad is such a good person, he gives me hope, and the reason I wanted to die, was my mom.
She still is the reason I'm miserable.

Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Ouch.

Okay, I fucking hate people.
Why do I have to go tomorrow to that stupid damn family.
It's anyway too much to do things on Saturdays for me, the only free day I have, everyday I tear my muscles up for that sport class.
I have no minute of relaxing, each day I have something to do.
Sunday is practice and school until 3.
Monday is guitar (Though I have the afternoon avilable).
Tuesday is Therpay (stupid therapy! I hate you therapy!).
Wednesday available, but I still have school.
Thursday is  Ram and practice.
And Friday I'm available (I have school).
And Saturday is actually the only day that I don't need to excresise.

Really, each day I wonder why I'm alive, and just reminding myself, that after I'll be twenty, this life  I'm having will be behind me, I can't do it, this country is terrible.
I think that because that the country is so young, it's becoming a teen, so fucking cofused!
Really.
Paradoxes are easier to solve than that damn place problems!
I go to sleep almost every night holding my left wrist in the other palm, just to be calmed that it's still full.
That in my dreams it won't be bloody.
And the nightmares.

The tragic details.


I had a dream, I made school an incredible art and mostly fashion show, ruled the school if I may say, and in one point the teachers wanted to kick me out, somehow I became the art teacher, and two children, one eight year old girl, and an eleven year old boy, and another 17 year old boy (I was sixteen in the dream, so it's a very nice age range to dream about), they helped me escape, we also escaped through a grocery store, hiding between kale leaves and bell peppers, then, we came outside, and the young boy's shirt was discovered to be two parts, it's an art piece.
Grey shirt with brown art, it's a boy and a girl, wind blowing on their short hair, and he's handeling her a flower (tulip if it matters), it's love, everybody is shocked and some 40 year old man picks it up (he helped us in the grocery store so he joined in), and the boy angerily screams "It's none of you buisness", crying and walking-running away, I call him out, the older boy tells me that we'll find him later, and the angry mob we hid from is coming, the dream stopped there.
How strange.
My dreams are getting weirder and weirder each night.


You know, I should've ordered the tickets when I could, because now I'm not going to that movie.
I just spent thirty minutes making a Swedish braid (Katniss braid), I wore the damn skeleton tights and a mathcing black shirt espacially, and now I fucking can't go there.

I'm wearing a fucking skeleton legs for four hours for damn nothing!


Why pirates like skulls and arm bones ln their flags?
I mean, yeah, it's sure looks unpleasant, but many things are unpleasant.

I'm a chocoholic, and I'm fine with that.
I'm stupid enough to let bad things to happen to me, and I'm fine with it.
I don't have many friends, and considered to be antisocial, and I'm fine with that.
I'm fine with myself.
How strange!
How can a teen girl be fine with her endless imperfections?

Well, at least I was right when I said that there is certainly something weird with me.

I never noticed how adorable I look with two simple buns (just a ponytail that was closed mid half, not swirled), so cute, exactly like a little girl.

...

Have you ever bleeded from you anus?
I just went normally to shit nicely in the toilet.
Well, it was so big (thicker than two penises!), and as long as one, but it was a bit sharp as well.
I just bleeded from there.
And after that painful exprience,  I learned few things.
One, is that almost nothing will hurt more.
Second, that the last time I ate so much I had to puke because my body couldn't take it, so how came that the second time I don't take the warning seriously.
Third, I'm ready for anal.

Ouch.


Well, there is nothing that some movie, a laptop on your lap (I noticed right now that the word laptop have lap in it, and it's where you put it, I wonder why it took me so long), and music cannot defeat.
Problem is solved with Pirates of the Caribbean (the Curse of the Black Pearl), blogging and making a springpad notebook full of inspiring things, and music near my rib.

I'm getting better with skin tones, I still need to work about it, because I'm not adding enough proper lighting, like greens hat are sometimes in, and reds, and some blues for cooler tones.

Well, I'm going to draw until I'll faint, I'll enjoy music, drink some water, and evantually go to sleep.

Goodnight lovely people.

Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Hangover pictures

Well, it was a pretty big mistake to let me do the finish of our presentation on Geography about Thailand.
That's the background I putted on the last slide:



I like it.
Well, not everyday I get to put Hangover II photo!

At the news today, the huge "REVELATION" about the famous singer that had sex with a fifteenth year old girl for money and gifts (I really think that if it was more undercovered, she would get more gifts), it was known like a week.
But I went for a more interesting things.
The computer thing seemed interesting.
And some of the singer ones.
Well, In the computing they put on the big one of Christian Bale (I hope I wrote it correctly) in the batman suit, and what he wished for Ben Afleck, he told him something that includes how much hard it is to pee in that costume, because you need somebody that will help you take it off, and only then you can pee.

My memory is not that good.


Well, I made pearlins today!
It's with almond or pecan core (some don't have nuts at all), covered with milk chocolate, and then with dark chocolate.
It's delicous, I tried to eat one, but it's fucking impossible, it's not hard enough.

Well, today at the practice my dad came for the last 30 minutes.
It was nice.

Today was also the first time I talked to her...
Please Imagine the last sentence in Twilight-ish voice, it's so matching since that's what we used to do.
I also understand that for my precious mental health (that will lead to my physical in somme point), I shouldn't get too close to her...

I'm hearing a metal band (I think they are something with metal), they all around 50, well the ones who started the band are almost 50.
The name is Helloween.
I actually just read about them on Wikipedia.
Just an amusing coincidence, my sister left the livingroom computer on the page of Halloween, for a presentation, and in the extra links that are in the top, there was two options, a horror movie list, and them, I clicked, and decided it's worth hearing.
All I remember in names are Sascha (I just like people named sascha, I don't know why) Andreas (It's such a strange name, it's the first time I hear it, and his nickname is Andi, it came when I least expect it, so strange!) and Weiki (It's his nickname, I think it's an adorable nickname, like a webkinz puppet name or something, his name is actually Michael Weikath).

It's called power-metal, and they are german.
I like it, though, it's very confusing to keep up with who is who, and which time each.
It's awful to try remembering.
Well, all I remember that is someone got in drugs, it got worse in recovery, and he figured he won't get better, and that ended up with suicide, I got sad only by reading it.
It's just a tragic end, like drugs are a bad thing, drugs are good, in portions, and even if you get addicted there are endless way to replace the addiction (mine is from cutting to eating and blogging, slowly eating becomes for hobbies and making food!), and death is just the worse way to die, just saying.


Well, few days ago, I remember seing on some anorexic site that there are aroung 3 kg in your head, it's you brain, and that you should lose some weight from there to lost weight on the scale.
My reaction is a serious WHAT THE FUCK?!
Well, after getting so fucked up mentally it makes sense, or backwards, after destroying your brain the descions aren't making sense either.

I'm doing everything to make sure my brain is getting bigger and bigger!
Well, not by school learning, obviously, but learning cultures, new kinds of belifes, new musics (the CD collection of my dad just showed me everything that I want to see, from soundtracks to world music, and there were more, but I didn't like them), new wardrobes, new people, it's what I live for.
Modern anthrepologie (not the brand people!), I had an anthrepologie teacher, she learned about the Beduais (I don't think I spelled it correctly, but who cares), they are a movement in the south of Israel.
I like more young things, like Japanese teens, what styles they like to wear after the extremly -and, stupidly- strict uniforms, what Polish and Japanese have in common (except being very strict with the learning of their children), what kinds of food there are in South Korea? Where is the place with many Foxo3a (the answer is Japan and Hawaii), so many questions to ask!

And so many things to udnerstand.
How my skateboard is made?

I love it!

I also like learning about the physical build of earth, and I love learning about atoms, it explains why I like watching on Discovery Stephen Hawkings show.
Don't you think that this whole idea of life is fascinating.
And everybody is haunting something else!
Each one sees it all differently!


Well, tomorrow I'm going to Catching Fire with a friend, Yuval.
He's really into that fandom!
It's awesome!
He became very popular in the Israeli Hunger Games comunity!
I wish there was a comunity I could join (I'm just a noob in Tumblr, seriously, sometimes I think that they will do what I imagined that the metal dudes in the game-making thing, telling them what I like and they will laugh fiendishly "Ha!ha!ha! You pathetic human imagining that you could be something! Ha!ha!ha", I have creative imagination!), like, the group of people that are sexually confused because they are being teens and they like hearing rock and writing things.
Yes, it's a good comunity!
Who wants to join in?

I'm texting him actually right now, he got a divine taste (Yes, I really find that divine is a good word to use, it's alike giving my sim eating an ambrosia!), in merchandise, seriously, he picked probably the prettiest poster of Catching Fire.


Well, I'm playing I love Coffee now, I think it's a great app, I love Line Play and I love Coffee, they work together, so if you'd like, add me up I'm Doosha!, well, also in Line Play.

Berries, Survivors, I hope you'll make it

BatKid and SpongeBat

Batkid is all over the internet.
This is so fucking adorable.
Yet, I like plenty of other stories.
Usually, kids in Israel that got to Make a Wish (thanks to that awesome foundation, in my old school we used to make some kind of fairs when we bring old things we don't want but they are in good condition, give them to school, and other kids buy them [once I brought handmade coasters from that bead thingy from Ikea, and they were all sold out before I had a chance to see them], we gathered 25,000 nis!), they go to Disneyland.
Disneyland aren't that wow-ish.
Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's because I was twelve, and I was super suicidal that time (around that area the self harm started), and I just couldn't enjoy it as much as I could.

If it was me, I would definatly try to send letters to random places.
Not kidding, one time in my life I will send letters to different places, maybe I'll get a respond, who knows?
I really want to do it.
It should be in my bucket list.
And I am going to save money that I'll make when I'll be 14-20 and something, then I'll do my best to try to move to America and will do everything I watned while being in a dorm room with some people and will do things, like my bucket list.

Well, today I was a fucking pig.
I ate huge lunch, snacked on chocolate, and ate dinner!
I'm such a pig!
I'm disgusting.
But tomorrow I'll fast, as much as possible.
Because I don't have self control, and I over eat all the time.
On the bright side.
I discovered today that I have the body that fits for a thigh gap!
Well, I need to excresise more often.
I really want skateboarding.
I need to conivnce my mom to let me go there.
It's at the other side of the town, but there is a bus, and I know the route, and I'd like doing so, because I need to practice... A lot.

I really like my board, it's simple, it's not long, or wide, or short, or special, it's just a casual beginners one.
With three stickers on the bottom that I got from the shop after I lost a part of the skate (I lost it in two months, I break a lot of things in the time of two somethings), I remember that night.
That night I drank vodka, and tried to snort some sugary powder.
It was an unforgetable night, it was fun, and since my mom told me to walk half way home, it ended up awkward.



Well, I'm constantly thirsty, my tongue is so dry no matter how much I drink, this is so weird.
Like seriously, what the fuck tongue?

Well, I'm going to watch something and then fall asleep, I don't have power anymore, I'm drained.
I'll just tell you what I did today.

Finished first a science test that was easy.
Laughed and checked up reecipes as few kids made some amusing theater scene, quite tragic and common in that kind of such of frobidden love (princess in love with a farm boy).
Annoyed my mother about what she bought.
Ran a lot.
Sketched a lot in math, as same in geography.
And checked up on my cellphone.
Went to my therapist without my phone or key.
Got back home by walking and getting lost a bit.
Luckily seeing my grandma who got a key.
Getting yelled on by my mother that I walked home though she was texting me that I need to do it earlier that day (she told me that he needs to tell me something and said she'll tell it later when my siblings were in the room, I was so freaked out until she told me it), and then she apologized.
Eating like a fattie.
Watching That's My Son again (I finished yesterday The War of the Worlds, I was dissapointed that Robbi was alive, I really wanted him to become a tree and the fruit will harvest a new Robbi).
And blogging while watching an adorable boy in batman costume rescuing a city.

And just for another boy in a bat costume:


Sexy...

Oh, and I drank some wild raspberry flavored green tea, delicous, though it should be sweetened.
I might also fast on Thursday instead.

Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Nice over 24

Well, I fasted this whole day.
Since last night's 7:00, and I fasted for all the time, and now it's 6:30, and I told my mom that I ate dinner already (she's not in home right now).
Guess who is fasting like a big girl?
I AM!

I really like it.
I felt weak the past few hours, it's weird, because on the pre-blood check one I felt energized.
Oh well, who gives a fuck, I'm happy.

Well, today, I had a normal day, it passed quite quickly.
The biggest thing that happened is the super huge birthday party that we celelbrated for October November children.
There was so many cakes and junk food.
I declined it all.
I almost ate a chocolate ball, but I managed to keep myself.
Well, we had a boring practice today, just stupid jumping.
I like the strength kind much better.
But those are only at Thursdays!
I really like the stair jumping, sprint running and alike, it's super fun.

My stomach tried to make some inappopriate noises, but I just put my striaghtened my hand and shoved it to the lower part of it, it stopped.
It lasted for a while each time.

The highest calorie thing I putted in my mouth by now, is probably Jasmine Tea (without sugar).
I think I'm going to keep fasting by tomorrow around 3 pm.


Well, I can tell you now what made me so happy.
I noticed an Eight grader girl wrist.
And I saw something I waited long enough to see!
I asked her about it, and she told me the answer that I'd rather not hearing.
THE FUCKING SLEEPING WITH SIRENS RUBBER BRACELET IS FROM AMERICA.
And we kept talking about music and bands.
The point that I was terribley sad at was when she said that she's going to camp at this summer and she might go to the FUCKING WARPED TOUR if it'll be around.

And people wonder why I hate Israel.

And by the way concerts.
My friend got a good grade (she says 80 is a good grade, well maybe it's for her, in English personally below 90 is bad, but that's only me), so her mother might take her to Barcelona or Paris for One Ddirection concert.
If my parents will take me now to Europe for Panic at The Disco tour, I'd be so fucking happy I might explode.
But my dreams won't come true until I'm legal.

At least I have things to wish for..
Like the fact that I really want to go to that highschool that have many art things.


I'm debating if I should eat something, because I'm empty.
Like maybe a spoon of honey or a cucumber.
No.
I'll just grab tea.

I'm going to take a shower after the tea (I'll wash me with some cool water to feel refreshed, then some hot, because I was freezing all the damn day, and ending it with cold water), and another tea, than maybe reading a bit of Alice in Wonderland, and with a cup of tea (because it's matching to the exact scene I'm reading about), then some TV or computer, so I'll finish with the War of the Worlds, then some stuff in my phone pretending to be sleeping, and then sleeping, getting quick out of the door, drinking a cup of tea or cold water, then going to school, enjoying the fact that it's a short day with sports and educators hour, making it a very lazy day, like it's English and sports and nothing, and Arabic and science.

It will be a nice day tomorrow.

...

Well, I just wathced like more 40 minutes of the War of the Worlds.
This is a very spoilerish thing, but it doesn't matter much, at least for me, because few days ago my dad watched it, and I didn't know that it was that movie, it was that awesome eye-tentacle scene, when it comes for the first time, and it was awesome.

Well, I reached the part of the second tentacle, and the last thing I saw is that Ray is trying to look for Rachel outside in the blood mud weed.


Well, since my fast it over 24 hours, and the store that was supposed to sell the scaled aren't selling, I'm going to celebrate with going to the mall someday and buying one.
YAY.


Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Dough!

I fucking ate dough without knowing!
Well, it explains why I almost puked it and now I have terrible stomcah ache.
How the fuck can people like cookie dough, it's so fucking painful.
Just a tip, DON'T EAT DOUGH.

Oh it's so fucking painful.

I shouldn't eat that.


Well, I started watching this morning War of the Worlds (or something like dad), it's with Tom Cruise.
He has short hait.
I find that as an important piece of information because most of time he can make a commercial for pantene.
Well, in that movie (I watched about the first thirty minutes), Ray (Tom Cruise) is a divorced father for two children, Rachel (Dakota Fanning, I love her, every movie that she's in is wonderful, it's incredible, Push is one of my favorites), and Robbie (Justin Chatwin), the earth is attacked by aliens that watched eart for decades.
The few things I found neccessary to mention.
Robbie is terribley rude to his father, seriously, even I bother to say Hello to people even if I'm with headphones.
Ray don't like hummos, what the fuck? Everybody likes it, it goes with flaffel so greatly.
Rachel and Robbie, the disasters aren't made by terrorists, if they would be, Israel would be gone from the map long ago, and they'll dominate the world.
And that's what I watched.
Oh, and that Ray could bring the fucking mattress for his daughter back problems, just live Robbie with the gun to protect his sister, and that he'll bring it.

....

Well, it's evening now.

The dough was already digested.
Oh the pain.
I almost puked again what I ate for dinner (pasta with tomato sauce, and two chocolatic balls with cocount).
It was painful, and I decided to make it a little better, I continued reading Alice in Wonderland.
I'm now at the part with the tea party!

Well, I fuckig hate those History shit.
It's not even the interesting part!
When are we suposed to get to the part where the purple king, the blue king and I  (the orange king) fight together against the green king, the yellow king, the white king and the black king?!
Or when will we learn about the armory style, or the works (like the engeniers?), or the strategies, and maybe about the games too!
The things is stronghold were much better.



Well, at the news, they found that writing an arcticle about the Bar Mmitzvah of the son of a celebrity who got in prison after blackmailing, sending buffs to beat up people and alike, attempted suicide once, falied, and then hanged himself, he died.
Well, what the fuck?
Why does people find it super sad?
Well, there are children that both of their parents killed theselves right after they were born, there are parents who beat up their kids, there are so many fucking people miserable right now!

So, so, so, stupid.


Well, at least one thing happy.
Some boy got healed from disease (I haven't read it, sorry), and somebody promised him that if he'll heal, the person will make a wish of the boy come true.
The wish of that boy was to be batman.
The city turned to Gotham (I hope I spelled it right), an actor came to be a cop, a man became a driver, they acted to do a bank rob, and little batkid saved the day.
I love that story.
It's making me happy.
To know that people get healed, and other care.
It's not a thing you see everyday...


Well, I hope you're happy, at least it'll make one of us, thank to that stupid dough I ate.
Tomorrow it will be a long fast.
Plan: taking an apple in a plastic bag to breakfast and I'll rush out and throw it.
Skipping meals until the practice, then, after it, taking long bath, and going to dinner and not eating much, because I'll try not being hungry, and then some tea, and ta-da, a tiny bit of meals for me!
Just water.

I don't know what I'll do at Monday.


Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

at Eleven

Have you seen cyberbully?
I assume you did, I watced it like 8 times.
I watched it until I started getting along the pieces even more.
And guess what?
I FUCKING HATE SAMANTHA AND EVEN MORE HER DAMN FUCKING MOTHER!
Why?
Let's forget that what Sam done to her, which is 95% my story just with american people and std, and another age.
But her mother, oh her mother....
She told her to calm down, that's everything is okay, that it will get better...
Okay.
Guess what?

IT'S NOT OKAY.
IT'S FAR FROM BEING OKAY.
IT'S FOR REAL FUCKING NOT OKAY!
AND THE FACT THAT YOU TELL IT LIKE THE ONE THAT IS MISERABLE IS SAM IS THE MAIN PROBLEM.

I'm not okay with that.
Sam and her mother are bitches.
Sam isn't the one who is in a danger, or will be miserable.
She's fucking not.
Taylor is!
TAYLOR ALMOST KILLED HERSELF BECAUSE OF THAT BITCH!

Each time you watch it, you understand even more how it's fucked up in every fucking way.
And each time I watch it I understand that this is my fucking life, with actors, and white people, and american slang, and English, and high school.


I envy Taylor.
She's over 14.
And so does Sam.
If I were over 14 when it happened.
That super bitch could get a police record (criminal for everything), she'll be banned from places, and it will bring me satisfaction.


But in the end, I'm surprised each time.
Why the fuck are they friends?
Hello people! That girl almost killed the other girl!

And the fact that she was bullied will never be compared to the fact how Taylor was.

The only ones who got bullied after the story seemed to end in my story, is her, that girl, Gal.



I really hate now that old songs are getting popular again.
I've heard at least 5 girls singing Let Her Go of Passanger.
I was pissed.
Let Her Go is my fucking sleep song.
It always helps me to fall asleep.
Because it makes me sad.
So does Titanium and She wolf.
But Let her go mostly.


Wait, back to Cyberbully.
Sam's intention was to protect.
MB intention was to hurt, to destroy, to humilate, and to make me go back to be unpopular.



Okay.
I just ate dinner.
In Dinner we mostly ate the gluten free super simple bread.
It's special gluten free flour, some olive oil, a bit of yeast, tons of water, a bit of egg, and huge tbsp of Honey, and cornflour!
You have no idea how delicous it is!
It's making me full of hope if I have celiac!
It's letting me know that I can still eat awesome things!
And I can make things by myself.

And after dinner.
I told my dad that his friend that he talked with at the trip, he's Daniel's father.
He was at the gym today, and he was with Gal's father and Daniel's father.
And I laguhed for 10 straight minutes because my dad had no idea.
Gal says that Daniel is making her miserable.
How fucking great, the three fathers are friends of complicated three girls.

Joy....


You know, that thing that all the old songs becoming popular again is stupid.
They can still hear Katy Perry or something.
But the last thing I want to hear from your mouth and you phone is  Eye in the Sky of The Alan's Project.
What's next? That's All of Genesis?!
Seriously, what the fuck children?
Fuck you people who decided to here songs that probably their parents heard when they were at their twenties.
I still like Kitaro, it's a wonderful calming music.
If they will hear Violently Happy of Bjork, I'd probably will do a school shooting (super duper rare in Israel, there are more chances for a missle to land in our school than shooting), and will kill them all.

And I think I should really make ways to die list on word.
I'll start with Andy Lopez.
I find it amusing.
Sorry, but getting shot by cops because you held a stupid toy gun, will make me laugh.



....



You'll never believe what I'm going to say.
Well, after dinner I binged endlessly.
I ate flakes with milk.
And then got a shower.
I felt so bloated and disgusting.
So I tried to purge it....
I almost gave up.
But I did it.
Shove, and a cough after, shoving again, and another cough, like that a few times, shove and salivia, and again, than, here it is, the milk and pieces of undigested food.
It was just the beginning, and I knew I could do more, but I was frightened.

I FUCKING PURGED PEOPLE.
ON THE FIFTEENTH OF NOVEMBER, TWO THOUSAND THIRTEEN, AT 11 PM I PURGED FOR THE FIRST TIME.

I'm now at my bed, I told my parents that I just ate too much and my stomach couldn't handle it.
I have a plastic bag near me, if I'll need to puke again.
I won't.

It was so weird.
To just take it all out.
I've heard people doig it, and their ways, and saw some movies.
But I'll never guess that it only takes practice and patience.

I'm glad I did it.
I binged so much today.
I deserve it.


I have no idea what to do now.
It's probably the most "exciting" thing I did this week.

My stomach hurts, obviously.
It was so weird.


I feel tired.
I think I'll just watch some TV and fall asleep.
I hope I have a good movie there...


Goodnight.

Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Just a Nice Day

Well, day two went pretty good...
I guess....
Today for breakfast I ate around half an apple with cinnamon.
For lunch I ate 2/3 of tortilla with a bit of meat and lettuce and tomato for some taco/burrito thingy, and before it three pieces of some chocolatic dessert (It's called Klik, if you saw Emmy Eats Israel, she eats some),
And for dinner I ate two small pieces of tortilla with dark chocolate and apples, and the second piece was with chocolate and pecans, and I ate 2-3 almonds with the tip dipped in chocolate.
I know.
It's full of fats.
Bbut I promised myself that even if I break one day, it doesn't mean that everything is ruined.
It takes time, and practice, so I'll just need time.

I'm going to buy tomorrow the scale (probably), I really need to check up on myself.
That stupid 50+ weight is annoying!
Even 100 grams a day is good.
You know, just to know if I'm losing actually, and keeping up.

Well, today I enjoyed Ram.
It was good, though, I was cold.
I also learned Chinese.
And on Animation I was bored, and drained.

Well, then I went home, ate, made food, and just done things in My laptop, like Gluten Free recipes (I googled a bit, and what's I'm doing right now is called food porn, how weird), and planning what I'll make.
Then, practice, I was energized, maybe from all that damn high calorie foods.
And then, home, shower, those tortillas shit.
And that's it.

I drew a bit.
I'm trying to get better.
I do find new ways, and try better with shading.

I'm really trying to make new meals.
This is so exciting!
You make a special thing, eat a bit, and you see the joy of others because:
A. You made food.
B. It's new food.
C. It says that there is no chance you like to starve yourself.

My mom is fine with my eating as long as I eat a "strong" lunch.
I eat least as possible, I'm trying to come up with new things, but it's quite harder.

Maybe tomorrow I'll eat some my whole-wheat and extra fiber flakes (3/4 cup is 30 grams which are only 89 calories! IT'S SO FUCKING PERFECT!), Maybe with some milk and maybe if  I'll want some maple or honey for sweetness (probably not), but if not that delicous meal, I'll eat cucumbers with something to dip with (hummos or cheese).
I don't care much.
Then, for lunch some a bit of meatballs and a bit more of potatoes, afternoon snack If I'll be hungry, it will probably be my dark chocolate with the flakes.

Well, I don't know.
But I know that I enjoy that control I have.
I just tell you how it works for me.

I'm not listening to myself, I don't do what's actually good to me.
I'm loyal to others, but not for myself.
So  I made up a voice that is in my head, telling me what to do, reminds me.
It's working great.
It's a girl, she's skinny and have dark brown long hair I don't know much about her.
But she's reminding me what I'm doing it for.
I have no idea why, but everytime she takes her place and "talks", It's like there's pressure in the top-back of my head.
She's very nice.
I don't know her name, I just know she only wants to help.
She likes it when I drink water and eat less.
I like her.


Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Bloody mary

I don't remember being able to fast so long with all the excresise!
I fasted for fucking 19 hours straight!
Only water!
Well, that was easy because, from 7 pm yesterday, to that morning 7, when I did the blood check, then Ii decided that I should skip meals, and I succeed.
I also ran and walked and jumped, and fidgeted.

But it doesn't count...
Why?
Because the first day, is the easiest...

Well, today it's a free day.
So I'll be making something sweet.
Probably something with apples, or flakes, or chocolate.
Maybe I'll make somethinng with all the pecans too!

I want to cook/bake something.

I'm trying my best with getting down my weight.
I have to go down from that damn disgusting 50.
My goal weight is 45.
7 kg to drop.
Though, in the moment I'll leave 50, to under it, I'll give myself a prize!
A new bottle!
Maybe I'll do something awesome, but probably not.

In the morning, a bit after the thirteenth hour, I got a bit dizzy, but then, somethow, magically, I just...
Felt some energy wave in my body, and I just felt alive again.
I can't explain it.

But it was wonderful!

I think that my body just started using the fats and excessive calories I ate.

Well, I'm bored.
I'm not hungry, but my body wants food for emotional eating...
Fuck.


I'm scared...
Not for me...
But for her...
Yes, it is something very risky, follishl, and will probably destroy me, but I care for her.
It's a secret (laughing at myself because in that blog is the pool where all the hidden things in my life are swimming), her father asked my super-awesome-detective father to ceck up what's going with her...
Not to spy on her, that's just creepy.
But to understand, he asks me things about her (I'm clueless when it comes to it), and he asks her, and he trying to understand what legally he can do about it.

I today saw her...
She tried to avoid coming to the practice, complained she doesn't have friends, many girls from her class said that "we're you friends! come on!" and she came after a while of convincing.
Then, when we all gathered, my friend (who is actually my friend, not just a person who is actually shitty) just found out that she forgot her spikes, so we ran together to grab them, and on our way back, I saw the teacher walking with her (Gal) back to school, he was talking to her, but I didn't hear a thing.

My mother said that she lost a lot of weight...
I noticed that today....
She used to have a bigger stomach...
It's almost completly flat.
And her thighs...
Well, I remember she used to complain about them, now, I think that they're size is half of what it used to be.

What's happening?
She stopped with the sports, and that's I know.
So, what's happened?

I'm afraid to tell the answer I think I got.


....


I'm watching now School of Rock.
Actually, I'm finishing it right now.
It makes me to wonder what will happen if in that weird socially strange, if it's going to happen.
Seriously, what the fuck are they doing there?
Studying?
For real?

Your parents pay a few thousands just for you to get a tag of your school.
It is extremly foolish!
You should've go to the other normal city schools, and enjoy, so whatever is you only learn 5 days a week?!
It doesn't matter much!


Well, I finished eating for today.
Now it's seven!
So I'll pass the night, eat an apple, or osme flakes with a bit of honey, maybe a cookie instead.



Me to random people who are too sensitive for me (basically, almost every person that is just can feel something)

"STOP CRYING ALREADY!"

Just lying, if I would say that, it will make them cry harder.


But seriously people.
Stop crying.
Nothing will happen if you cry.
I blocked all the possible feelings as I can.
It's just not making me sad.
It's realesed throught happy times, and I'm feeling only happiness.
I need logic, and creativity, not anger or sadness.

Well, yeah, people will think how heartless you are.
But you can't give a shit.
You just don't feel like it.
(Feel is the keyword).



Me, going around on BuzzFeed Food.
And there it is!
The enemy!
That weird soupy thing, with that floating fish! And carrots!
Oh the horror! THE HORROR!
It's probably one of the worst things I ever putted in my mouth.
I don't understand how people like it...


Well, tomorrow I might buy a scale, but more chances for Friday.
Well, in the moment I'll be under 50 Il'l be so damn happy, might celebrate with watching things!
Or fantisicing how death tastes like...

I know it sounds creepy.
It's not.
Well, I know that if I have some unique taste in my mouth, it means I'm ill, it's like when people are starting to heating, well, I'm natrually warm, so you can't tell, but I know it.
And I know that somehow my mouth makes special flavors for each ocassions.
So I wonder how death tastes like.
I guess it's a dry sickness, and it burns your tongue like pineapple, yet, you're calm...
This is how far I got it.
I'm dying trying to figure out what does it tastes like.


Well, have good day/night.
I'm going to catch some sleep, tomorrow wear my new shirt, and leggings, and probably eat some nothingness and just rise my legs towards my stomach to make the pains go away (I did it today a lot).

Well.
Who knows what's going to happen tomorrow...


Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Motherfucking shipping

Yesterday I went to movie with Yuval (the boy that was called gay since I remember him, and bullied by random shit, and he's a fucking awesome performer), and Keren.
The movie is The Starving Games.
At first that I heard the name I was sure that it will be a anorexia-bulmia-any other eating disorder that icluding starvation, or it can be what I do to the sims I hate (more inhumane version of Don't Drop the Alien!), but no.
It was a parody for The Hunger Games.
I won't give it five stars.. Nor four.
It was funny half the time it tried to be funny.
I really liked that purple haired guy, he's physical expression of happiness might be a great form to show what's the human Grumpy Cat would look like.

Tomorrow is the celiac test.
It's also blood check.
And my tear controlling test (another huge part I have to manage doing to destroy my emotions who are a terrible source of gaining weight).

So far I'm going better with emotion controlling.
I almost had that complete face of before tears, but now my face was only in the pre phase, so it's better, I distracted myself with hurting my fingers with my nails, causing a half crescent shaped marks on the tip of my fingers.

I think it's good, today we did a hurdles run.
My special gifted ways to hurt myself worked wonderfully.
I don't know how it is physically possible, but I slammed down many of those barriers with my ankles.
Ouch is a great word to describe it.
It hurt to walk for a while.


I haven't posted the day before, but it was mostly complaining about the stupidly high shipping prices!
You want me to buy your stupid merchandise to have extra money, it's great, but it's not fair that the shipping will be high as the item price (25 fucking dollars!).
So, guess what I did?
After the movie we had some time.
So we went to the pretty nice random shirts and pins and posters store and the other smaller poster store.
They didn't have much.
Most of the store was full with One Direction shit.
It was incredibly hard to find nice pins.
It was like that:
90% One Ddirection
5% Memes and online
1.5% Random bands (not the most popular ones, in any genre, but anyway).
1% Gay rights and alike
0.5% Avenged Sevenfold.
The rest (2%) is leftovers from older movies and alike.

I'm still assosiating any kind of Joker shit (espacially cards), with the most creepy card ever.
It's a joker card that sits on the moon and have goggles.
HE LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING RAPIST.

And back to the main story.
In that shop he mentioned that he make prints too.
And I got one.
On Thursday I'll wear it.

I don't want to live.
I want to sleep.
I want to enjoy.

I think I'll hear some new music, and read about things.
Yay for nothing.

I would rather read Night Star.
But  I won't...
Why?
I need to finish Alice In Wonderland.
I hope I'll end it soon


I'm now digging on youtube sad stories.
All I see is perfection.
White beautiful skin...
With pretty straight blonde hair...
And skinny little body.
And then I look at myself...
Fat, black, without any bit of proportion.
Just ugly.

I'm going to buy a scale.
A new electronic shop is in the street, and they sell one.
I'm going to hide it.
Obivously why.
But I'll have to know about my Celiac first.
To just be able to sort things out, like what I can, and check up what's the difference.
If I'll lose weight, or my hair wil grow straight, or it will be thick!
Maybe I'll discover that I'm a fucking vampire...
But the chances are low.

I'm sorry for the disgusting fact, but I think I ate something bad, because I spent the last 10 minutes in the toilet, and it was hard...

Well....
I have nothing much to say.
I'm better at drawing, but having harder time with the digital ways.
And tomorrow I'm going to check if I have celiac, and the answers is supposed to be recived after a month+.
And I'm watching now youtube sad shit, and Chatroom.
The tumblr people were right..
It's not close much.

Though, if I want to know about foreign (mostly French, and sometimes German, and a little bit from the rest of Europe) movies, I can always take a look from my building to the street's cinema (I have one really close to my house), and check up what's new.

I want to go soon to Skaeboarding.
I might give a call to Maya S.
If not, I'll go by myself, with music, and water, and skateboard, and cellphone, and bus card, and money, and that's it.

Well, I guess this is another goodbye (and I really hate those depression poems of -goodnight -goodbye and you never noticed shit, because goodbye you say when you leave).

Berries,  Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

4 days

Why can't I be weak.
Less on defense.
I'm always on guard with my great forces, my arm and large hands (that create awful pain for peoples body arts in some occasions), and my honesty, because I'm a real person.

I'm too strong.
Why can't I be a bit weaker?
This is furustrating.

I really hate hurting others, espacially because of my unstable temper that can be realeased without noticing, or my strength I don't control about.

Well, today I did nothing.
Like all those unproductive days I absoultely love.
I organized my room, put the crystal looking plastic/whatever it is in it's place and alike.
I drew today,

I liked it, it's better than what I did before, and since I couldn't download brushes, I don't really understand why, but I created them.
The blood in the side of the room, it's my Cloud brush with the Burn brush, and some of the Cloud brush on Multiply.
I like it.
The hair was orginally brown, but I changed it, and the skin was more pale and a bit blueish, so I turned it to look alive.

Now I'm doing the sketch of a new thing, inspired from that field scene on Eclipse (Twilight), the idea just popped out after seing a soft and bright colors on a speedpaint, and because I started sketching a face in very soft light pastel-ish green, and I just remembered.

I'm practicing with colors, I use some grayish dusty-purple for shading, it's good for it, and it's having a more alive effect than black or darker brown.

I still have things to do, I plan to save them to Hanukkah holiday.
I asked one page for a movie like Suicide Room, they said that I should try Chatroom, but it's not very alike Suicide room.
Oh well.


It seems like that I don't cry anymore.
Like, I have tears only for cleaning my eyes after shampoo get in.
I don't have many reasons to cry.
Yesterday I tried to check up if I can, so I putted some tragic news shit...
Animal abuse.
Kittens and puppies suffering.
And me?
Nothing.

Anorexia annd self harm stories on Youtube.
Nothing.

Just me complaining.
"Why are you sad? You are white? You aren't like me, that is already a person that you can easily see, you can't miss it, I'm bold in the crowd, and I don't want it, I want to be pretty, white, and happy, not judged for being darker, called black since I was 6. You are white, you have big house, and parents who work all the time, I don't, my mother don't have a job, and my dad always working so we'll have money, and we have a small apartment, until I was eleven, I was in a small room with my sister, Anna Frank hideout room, two people in a two beds and a bit small, I just want to be white, just not being seen".
Why couldn't I be white?
You know how different my life could've been?
I can't.
Because everything would be different.


And even now, as that small piece of sadness sunk in my head, not a tear.
It's hear and gone, and nothing more than just a short weak emotion, that is dying.


I'm furustrated.
I just shouldn't eat much anymore.
I can't be pretty, when I'm so bold in that crowd, and looking so chubby.
Look, that alert that gave me it the most.
That when each girl arched her back so the muscles won't get all locked and shit, every girl's spine, you could see it, but mine.
That chubby ugly black girl.

That's it.
No more fats in my diet.
Just eating normally until that very Wednesday (which is also the daughter's name in the Addams), Gluten blood check so I won't freak out the doctor or my mother.
Than, stopping liking foods.
No more for food.
Water, Jasmine tea, apples, peaches, pears, but no breads, and not meat, only Friday's dinners with my special meals will have more fatty and kess healthy things.
Like this coming weekend.
Tacos!
It's corn tortillas anyway, so it doesn't matter if I have celiac or not.

I still will make delicous rich desserts for my family and mostly for my sister.
Like those truffles I made!
It's like heaven in a ball!
It's rich, and soft, and hard.
I need to make something else with the leftover chocolate.

I really like making food.
I like doing sushi, a lot.
I usually make a large plate and smaller one.
I should get better making my inside-outs, my rice measurements are just uneven, creating bald spaces in the outside.
And next time I'll put there some fish for my sister and dad.

Well, 4 more days to the blood check.
It's interesting if I'll have it or not.
If I will, it means I'll eat a lot less, because I really hate the flavor of gluten-free foods.
And who knows what more.
So it's weird, I have no idea what will happen.

Maybe all the sudden I'll lose weight, or be less tired, or be more energetic, or be less something or more something.
Who the fuck can know.
Maybe I'll be taller.
That allergy got weird effects.
My sister's stomach used to hurt, and then after it was discovered, she's way better.
Another girl from her class, her hair would just fall off.
And another boy, well, he did't grow in height.

I have found something awesome.
WHAT IF I HAVE CELIAC AND WHEN I'LL STOP EATING GLUTEN I'LL BE HAIRLESS IN MY BODY.
That's so fucking awesome.

Just kidding.


Well, I'm going to sleep.
Have nice dreams...
If you can sleep.
I can.
And I'll enjoy from the children screaming and yelling outside.
It's autumn already, so the chances of the chocolate store alarm won't make that annoying and with it -calming, sound, and those gun shots and singing people, won't be here, nor the jazz music from that local bar.

Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Truffles

I really hate hardcore creepy feminsts.
And hardcore shobnists.
I hate pretty much everything that is just over the edge if something.
So yes, you can think that genders are equal, but you can't want to kill them.
Wait, no.
You can want to kill somebody, but not because it's gender, if s/he's an asshole, hate him/her.

I really hate those people.

And I hate ear plugs.
I saw one on TV when I was 8, that picture of that dude will never be earsed from my head!
And I was shocked, as a little girl that had only one earring since that the other one just decided to break apart and kind of explode, I just didn't unerstand why the fuck would you stretch your ear this way.
I just don't get it.
It's one thing when you make them small, when you make them larger than two fingers-finger and a half, Ii just don't like it.
When it's small and gentle it's okay with me, but when not, well, I'll wonder for hours why somebody will ever do that.

Well, I'm bored.
Today we had two hours of sports and another two hours of math.
We started with practicing our ball throws, for the games of volleyball.
And in the second hour, soccer.
I'm always the goalkeeper, it's starting to annoy me, but I'll tell if I'll need to.
I had terrible cramps throught those hours.
Why?
Because my period just decided to show up today that very morning.
It's cool that I'm not pregnant (though as far as I know I'm a virgin, maybe someone did something to me, but I'm a virgin), but if I was I'll call my son Jesus, and make him learn the bible, and wear white dresses, and will make him holy and shit, then I'll wait for him to become a teen, and hate me for doing so, so because of my period, I'm not going to give birth to Jesus, how sad.
Well, in math I was fine, I made some sketches to work on later on SAI.

Then, after those long two hours (which are actually 45 each, creating only 90 minutes math), I came to the bus, as I was at the station, the bus left, and I checked with other two guys I know when the next one will come, and it was 30 minutes later, so  I walked home.
I thought it was nice way to burn calories before I'm making the truffles.

Yes, I made truffles.
Delicous juicy rich truffles.
It's just so simple 2 parts chocoloate to each 1 part of creme.
And you can add some vanilla extract.
You just need to melt them together (I do it in the microwave, it's easier to clean normal dishes than pots or whatever you use), and stir until soft, then put it in the freezer, a hour and something, then I scoop it to balls, another hour and something (maybe a little less), then to more ball shaped balls, freeze it more, and you can add some shitty things all around (mini marshmallowes or cocoa powder), freeze more, and it's ready.
It's so simple and delicous.

I really like making food.
I asked my mom to buy me some tortillas, so I will be able to make tacos!
I really want simple tacos.
Like the one that I ate in that nice cozy place in New York.

I will also make sushi with fish to my sister and dad, they like fish.
I don't.
Since crete I don't eat fish.

I just eat pathetic cucumber sushis with ginger and soy sauce with a bit of wassabi.


How weird is that since the first time I saw the shortcut of Be Right Back I call it barb?
It should be called barb, intead of letters.
And Talk To You Later, I say it tatil (pronounced like cecile the name), and even band shortcuts, Panic At The Disco, patd, pated (like pat, and then ted), Sleeping  With Sirens, sws, Swass.
Why am I the only who does that?
It just makes sense!


I'm trying to draw some version of Alice (in Wonderland), and it's just for practice, the more I do, the better I do.
I failed, so Ii do a new thing.
I don't know yet.
But I'm going to watch some nice Television, and go to sleep.

SAIING

Few days ago, I wanted to write that I don't get why teens are so damn stressed, like, life is super easy, and I say it, a girl that is going under having the ebst behaviour so I won't be kicked out of sports class, excelent grades and making all the homework so I won't be kicked out of Ram (that school I go to for extra interesting shit), and sports so I won't be kicked out of sports class (it's about sports after all, you know), and I need to still be a social minimum person, happy, must go to the monthly meetings so next year I'll be the main parts of the voulnteering of library white-nights, and still practicing with the guitar (my fingers ca't fucking stretch and still be tightened on 7 bridge finger 8 and pinky 11), not sharing too much, not telling all the truth to my psychologist (I truly hate her, and I keep it in), I have too much to carry and I'm fine with that.

Until that point.

Then, my mother (my father doesn't give much shit, he was what's called "bad boy" when he was younger, seriously, popular, tough, goofy, athelthic, smart, just like those guys everybody wants to be around), she yells at me to keep up when I'm not in school! How to fuck am I supposed to do that?!
Send my spiritual self to the school and physically be in Ram?!
I can't do that shit.
I can't be me, and be that girl everybody expecting me to be, because if I'll be her, I'll be punished.

This blog have another use, for me when I'll be a mother, to remember what my children can possibly feel...
And to check up their bodies, and their weight, and pretty much everything.

I really understand people who just come to their room and fucking crash.
I'm one.
I really hate being in this all.
I hate pants, and I have to wear them, at home, never pants, only panties.
And I hate to tie my hair in a stupid bun, so I make braids, or let it be free.
Outside, nobody can know my music style, seriously nobody, at home, well, heaphones on full, speakers on full, everything full volumed.
I hate to draw outside, at home, fuck this shit, I'm Saiing everything I can.

And when I say home, I also mean my comfort zone area.

In some point school will be a part of it too.
But for now, not really.


I really like SAI, I just started a charcter, anime obviously, and I started:

I like it, I think I did a great job with the hair, considering the touch screen, and the random barely refrenced one (those are my insparations:Anime girl and with the other shit I'll do, because this is the rough hair sketch up layer, it's mostly ghost town album covers, for the background, and i'll find more).
I really like it.

Today in ram, our first period changed from that unexplainable thing, to robotics, it was awesome.
Me and a girl who is considered quite dorky, I asked her to be with me, we built a pretty cool robot, it worked... Kind of.
And in the end, he showed us a pretty awesome short animation (I loved the graphics), it's called Kara, if I remember correctly.

Then, Chinese.
I'm having hard time learning two different new languages at the same time, so my Mandarin is bu mei hao (not good).
And I was quite delayed because this shit is hard.

Then, animation, it was fun as the first one.
We wrote a script about a red ball, and watched two short stopmotions before, was nice, quite depressing themes, one reminded me that episode of doctor who and that girl that needed to sing to that big sun looking planet.

And on animation, after writing my script, I had time for her to check me up, so I started to try some spriting mario and a green shroom, it went up not as good as I wished it to be, but pretty good, not as lame as it could've been.
And then I talked a lot with Daniella (the dorky girl).


I'm really getting along with people.
It's one of the beautiful wonders of becoming a teen.
Not like that curse of that weird period that only comes when it's annoying...
Example, the photoshooting day (also known in Hebrew, period picture day, making it funny), April's foold (I was a fool that day and bought the wrong pads), when I'm going to ski, when I'm in Greece (and after getting soaked seeing a roach), and pretty much more shit.


I'm not sorry if you're a guy that reads it, but you should know that disgusting shit.
It happens, and we suffer, and you can suffer also from getting kicked in the balls, so it's a lose-lose (or win-win, up to you).

Have fun with doing your shit!

Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.