Amuse

Well, just now I opened facebook.
And like on random One Direction pages that low-life girls likes.
There are a rock mirroring.
So, it's storyline with your superstars.

Black Veil Brides.
Here it is:

You wake up one morning. Your hair is all messed up and you hear the sound of rain pounding on your windows. You sigh as you look at the time and realize the last day of school is about to start and still haven’t gotten out of bed. You start thinking about what you’ll do over summer as you grab your jacket and head out the door. Completely drained from staying up late, you get into your car and head towards Starbucks. Wanting to pass the time, you start blasting “Wretched & Divine” on the stereo. 

Fast forward a few minutes and you get to the stoplight right before you go into Starbucks when, as you look to the right, you spot BVB’s tour bus heading to your same direction. As you both pull into Starbucks, you hurriedly get out of your car when, as you’re heading into the door, you bump into Andy and the gang and fall on the wet sidewalk. Andy and Ashley help you up as Jake and Jinxx ask you if you’re alright and CC hits Andy upside the head for running into you. You go on to apologize and say it’s your fault as all of BVB motion for you to go inside, buy you your coffee, and sit down with you in the same booth.


And the continue...

Andy, Ashley, CC, Jake, and Jinxx all laugh and throw jokes at you. They ask you what brings you to Starbucks and you respond, “Oh you know. I stayed up late like the genius I am and didn't get up with my alarm. Now, I’m late for school.” Thinking about school, you pick up your phone and notice the time. You stand up and apologize but say that you have to go when you drop your coffee on your shirt. Andy bursts into laughter and calls you an uber clutz when Ashley offers a shirt from his fashion line so you don’t have a coffee stained shirt for school. You both go into the tour bus and you hear everyone else say that they’re going to be late to their performance. You quickly put on the shirt Ashley offers and apologize once more for being a bother. As you get out of the tour bus you ask where they are going and they respond by telling you that they’re doing a concert at the high school down the street. They were going around a few select high schools in the country on their tour to motivate kids to do well in school.

You look in disbelief as you tell them that’s your high school. Ashley and Andy both say that it’s such a huge coincidence when CC offers to hitch you a ride there and a back stage pass to make up for Andy running into you. As you nervously nod up and down, Jake and Jinxx pat you on the back and try to persuade you to let them give you a ride. After a few seconds, they lead you into the tour bus. They apologize for the mess on the bus and Andy puts a Batman snapback on your head to cover up the gigantic mess it’s in. Then, he sits by you and everyone surrounds you. 

At the start.

I almost died laughing.

Well... if it would happen to Israel, it'll be weird and heroic to not die in the scene, imagine gangsters, but we own worse.

So if it happens to me, I would probably start with being sorry, because, I am few heads shorter so I would look up only if they'll talk, and then wonder why they look familiar, and then I will look creepy way on them, try to relate them to something.

And then if I had the balls, I'll ask them.

Boom.

And if not, I'd probably shout "What's wrong with you?" on Hebrew and don't understand why they all speaking English, so then I'll speak English as well and my vocabulary will be open for any human figure on the area.

Being Israel, is probably better then everything else...

More then Superman.

So back to the post.

Today was school, I accidentally scared Yali about 3 times, she opened the door when I was there.

I bet she thought I can eat her alive.

I won't.

It's not Kosher.

But if it was legal, her head was in the trashcan long ago.

Today we had pretty much normal school.

I kept flirting, just not popping out.

I'm really good at flirting.

I talk and get interested with people I like.

The geeks and the smart ones who don't like at all the popular race -they are meant to die, that's why they so rare!- and I laugh, smile, compliment, be sexy (it's definitely not cute, but it's attractive)

I'm watching now he full black parade is dead concert in mexico.

I almost felt that they are a stealing.

This was the best high five line ever.

I wonder how many people died laughing (or crying?) from watching this.

I'm glad they didn't came to Israel.

Most of artists should stay alive.

Not to get poked with broken glass.

They jump.

If I used shortcuts or emoji, I would make the silly ones.

Because that's exactly what I've done when I was 6.

All my guy friends and I, turned on the disco ball I had, put on music on the stereo, and then jumped from the couch hand thing dressed up, half naked with silly costumes, mostly puffy dresses and dog ears.

This was the best way to burn calories.

And to jump.

And to have fun.

I remember that Itay came once (best friends after all), came, and after few years, came again and asked me if I remember it, I did.

I remember everything.

About anyone.

Sneaky me.

Believe me, someone messing with me, will get what he deserve, he'll see the authentic Israel side in me.

Sweet liar.

It's talent for hiding.
Like make up on flaws.
Like make up on arms.
Like bandage on bleeding parts.
Like everything in life that make humanity as it is.


Today was better.
But as always, a little disappointment must attend.
I havn't spoke about him much, but there's a guy, named Aviv (meaning: spring), and I like this guy, he's funny, and handsome, and funny, and handsome, and I like this guy.
Have I mentioned that his funny?
So, we couldn't speak today.
He was there, but with his friend.

Well, I'm a social butterfly.
And butterflies die quickly.
Very quickly.

So since I'm watching this video on YouTube.
I can't take seriously what's going on there.
It's better then every comedian that our class demand to put on YouTube.
It's funny, because it's not supposed to be funny, though, it is!

Especially Frank (he's the curly one, right?) so curly one, I have curls.
And I look this was on the morning.
This is the best guy version that smilier to me.
It's just seem like the cute Afro-American cuties.
When they eight, on they have one missing teeth, and they smile to you.
And you are melting.

Well... kind of.

If you ask me who will be the best guy version of me, I would say that, this fan sits on the edge, so he isn't on the video, he's lazy enough.
I would high five to him, but I respect him for finding his comfy spot.
I know it's hard.
It talked me hours to find the comfy zone on my bean bags.
That are sadly, purple.
If I could re pick (and I will), I'd decide on black, it's just so simple, and I like black and white mixture.
And I'd color my bed to navy blue, and the closet to black or navy.
And my desk will stay white, and my walls will stay to white.
And my Television will stay the huge it is.


I got Reached today, in English, like Crossed.
I will invite more books from eBay, I have no choice.
I need Night star (Die Damen, die! go Jude, go!) and I want the book about the angels, so I'll get all Hush Hush.
Stupidity crossing edges.

By the way books, one of the kids that came to the quiz with me, started one.
Inspired by The Hunger Games (you can tell if you'll read).
So if I had it, I would translate and publish it here.
He said that he'll give me it after he'll finish all the chapters, so I could edit.
I told him that his chapters moving fast and short.
Page means chapter (not the problem), but the story moving so fast.
In books, you don't need to make the readers guess.
You need to detail everything.


I watched before the movie "The Unborn".
Two years ago my father started to watch it.
It scared the blood out of my heart.
So I promised that one day I'll watch it.
It was funny.
I mock everything that have a flaw in a movie.
It include the Jewish religion.
And there's a book (Book of Mirrors), that written on Hebrew.
They all reading it from left to right.
It's wrong.
On Hebrew you read it from right to left.
Surprise, surprise, bitches.
Movie makers should learn a little before making the movie.

I can't believe how much this video is funny.
I know cancer it's not funny (believe me), but I wonder if they aware that they all look like zombies there?
Waving hands not synchronized, slowly, broken, please tell me there's a cure for the dead living.


People, wake up.
I know that wow it's "the best band in the world" (every fandom assumes that it's true about they're model figures), but please.
My teacher after being stuck with us, is more calm, seriously vocal man, we asked you to not make out with the microphone, and to not snuggle with the stick, thank you.
Curly boy, you the same.
And others, please, don't make me to, I swear that they could sleep, nobody will notice.
People who sit are quite more likely to die.

I wonder how much people hate Justin Bieber against random "Fags" best example, One Dictation (confused with our English teacher, give us tests as it's socks, replacing words like players switch girlfriends.)
So, they do throw a bottle on Justin -six pack bottle- but they still don't throw more then this on others.
Like flour is nothing for Kim Kradashian.

Please.

Throw on people pillows.
It will be the best pillow fight ever.
And be in the huge air balls that floats on water.
This is called a party.
Not to put slutty clothes (what's new?) and to put awful music, and to make out with strangers while being drunk "wasted" or highed, or just about to get laid.

I'm twelve, should I be worried about my mind?

Today Keren (I tried to write my friend, but she's more like a lost dragged -shortly drag-), she said she found her parents in the middle.
Then changed it to kind of.
Then to just a make out.
I tried to guess.
I asked her if they were doing it, she said no.
I asked if her mother gave him a blowjob, she had a weird face for a reaction.
Well, close enough dead, close enough.

I wonder if she knew she could have another brother, or sister.


Oh, teenagers.
I think it's the first song I heard and was aware to what I'm listening.
Because I won't really call Sing on Tap tap 4, the first song I heard.
But, only because They jumped from a fucking cake, singing happy birthdays and I was able to hum the words, I'm in this place.
Sitting in front of my laptop, writing, hearing and trying to watch the fantastic impossible guitar solo.

Great.
Just great.

Instead of talking trash on the phone with my dumb -fake- friends, and to argue who is the hottest from One Dicknation, I'm sweating my hips off, drinking the big water bottles, and writing to the system that barely staying together (speaking about you, and blogger, as one).


I wonder if vocal man (I can't remember names, I'm rarely talk by names, I just describe).
Is Michael Jackson.
I just remember the movie "Disaster Movie" where there were 8 year old, orangutan, and Michael Jackson in the back of the car.

Well when people sweat they look different.
I don't get why they wearing this thick clothing, it must be uncomfortable.
I'm in Israel, yesterday was 38 Celsius degrees, I wore long pants.
Respect for the sweat!
So, at least wear "breathing" clothes.
Not leather, you already have one, it named skin.


I quit listening, this goddamn iPhone decided he knows too much.
It starting to destroying itself.



I just found the most Israelish thing to do.
There's a movie named Heathers.
And since Israel is the most common place to reach selfishness, instead of Heathers, the title is Malkot Ha-Keata, on Hebrew, it's the class queens.
We are controlling!


Goodbye, but before.

I'm with funny headband.
Since I'm too lazy to photograph (comfy zone: activated!) I'll give you an old one, from a party.
Two, because each one have different caption.

Like who do I look like?
*Cough* Black Veil Bride's vocal boy!

That's the after, mummy had.
Toilet paper cuts.

So goodbye, and I'll eat food and drink water.
I recommend you to try this, 4 of 5 doctors says so.

Berries, survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Graduation 1#

The strum played, I knew this song.
Terrible and amazing memories come at once.
I liked this girl before she came this way, dragged tayl.
The song is Fix You, as it playing on Icon Pop Song.
I can't understand that people change.
I won't except it.
It's sucks, but it's happening.
And she became from dumb to dumber, she hangs out with the devil, her soul is hers long time ago.
And I was stupid enough to believe she can save herself, as long I'm near her.
If I could get little more, just a bit of time, I could to make her strong again.
But now, as same as Edward in Twilight, not so far, impossible.
I see myself as Jacob, not as Bella's see him, not as the viewers and the audience, but as I'm Jacob.
I'm hopeless against this bastard.
She's the devil, and she want everything others have.
Well, almost everyone...

Love, safety, trust, emotions, heart, and a lot of bloody things that in the human race are very common.

Yali own blood itself, almost drowning in the pity blood, and covered in souls.
Oh, I almost feel sorry for that ugly thing.


Well.
Circle of hate will continue later.

Today, was the last day of this year of the Genius school.
For celebrating, I went with the other girls to eat outside, I ate mine within 5 minutes, there's a reason why food rhymes with good.
So, it was fun.

At school itself, for the first lesson, we done some final Chinese, I liked it, and I'd like to keep learning.
My uncle says that Chinese is the language of the future, he knows Chinese himself.
I'll teach myself the rest.
It can be nice, I might write something on Chinese one day.
And then for the second, we heard music.

First, we heard from girl, she is in different styles, and it's kinda weird.
She putted her friend song, of Marilyn Manson, named Coma White.
I like the start.
Reminds me 30 Seconds To Mars.
I know why her friend dress the way she does, inspired by Marilyn Manson, she put one red contact and one blue, and crazy while make up, and same photos.
I think it's creepy, but one day I might love it, hopefully, that I won't use makeup, but the eyes are cool.
One silver or white, or something pretty.

Then Brick by Boring Brick, of Paramore, I started to really hate this song, it's meaningless to me.
I guess rock was my type, pop was the vibe.


And many more, that I'm glad I forgot.
Then, some videos, on animation, and then graduation.

That's it.


Nice day.
Nice day...

I stopped being bold alpha, I can sink down, get to my place, where comfort means a lot, when I actually eat, and I actually enjoy.
I'll pop one there's a reason, when I'm on my best.
Not to pop from the part I tried to hide.
Now I'll be me (again) and hopefully stop wanting to be someone I'm not.
If it meant to be it'll happen.
Like me and this popsicles.


So, what will happen?


I'm watching now Jennifer's Body, and it reminds me a song of Panic! At The Disco, but the way, their name reminds me the song Panic of The Smiths, and I founded it funny when Panic! At The Disco covered Panic by The Smiths, I've got confused.

I finished the movie, and the song New Prospective was there.


My dad is back...
Long week.
But, look at this way.
Dad back means hat the doom of Yali is soon.
And I could get back to the nowhere I'm always in, and to flirt while I can naturally, and wait.
Pass the time, having another mental problems, that as always, knotted with physical and spiritual things.
For now, this is the life.
And I can't hate it, I only can hate everything that causing me pain.

So today I looked on Kayne.
Well her arm is only held by a string sewed.
And so does her "pierced" ear.
Reminds me Happy from Mighty Bee.

I'm going to watch movies.
Involving everything.
As much as I can take horror, and blood, and wild actors.

Goodbye angels, let's watch your beautiful wings turns to black, changing everything in you.
And leaving you the same.

Berries, survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Clique

I just watched The Clique.
I'm having those nerve attacks, I feel like I'm getting dumber from it.
This movie, I guess watching porn make more sense.
So, I feel only half sorry for his blond bitch.
It shows everything.
Popularity is a curse.
And the distasteful demonic prayers, they won't die.
Lost souls won't rest, until they'll had their lives.

So, today is comparable to hearing about calories, fats, muscles and abs, from the guys I hate to sit with (I swear, they might become anorexic one day, all the bullshit they saying).

Sorry for talking this way, it's the characters that the actors playing.
Just want to shoot my head, believing that somewhere, there are people like this.

At the first lesson, gym.
I hate gym.
Not to activate myself.
But with who.
The teacher is disrespectful, especially for girls, because it's too much to ask for soccer once in a while.
The girls, barely want to move, then they demand that they fat, and I need to compliment them to raise theirs already low self esteem,

So, soccer+girls+me= disaster and explosion.
I can't play with them, morons.
I know it's snobby.
But, I only asked to have a real sport lesson.
He give us normally annoying volleyball, that I'll never count as a sport.
Why?
Because I don't move.
I have well working human body for a reason.
Goddamn, there's a reason why I played for 7 years of my short life with the boys.
THEY MOVE AND DO SOMETHING.
Girls are like balloons, you need to do everything.

And then, I colored the slogans and posters for our class group in the quiz.
My friends are so stupid, complete tayls.
And I'll get them stuck to my ass, long tail, made from draggs.
So I hate people who can't decide (Dr. Doof, Phineas and Pherb).
And with it, it includes tons.

Decide it, friends or foes.
Decide it, me or her.

I know world aren't black and white, but in mine, you should separate light to dark!
I was so pissed, I need to have a vacation, from life, for one short day.
Spend time with all the answers.

Then, we went to the quiz.
Sucked.
They lost.
At least I've been for long time this classy bitch.
For the whole day.
Just being flirty and mature and smart.
That's all.
And being a taylo, if not, goodbye.
I have a lot of tayls, it's like building a card house from blocks.

I can't decide what's better, to be in a movie, or in my life.
Movie.
Even Twilight.
Where everything that girl want that happen, happen to her friend.
I'm sick of it all.


Mostly from this Yali, fuck this pretending tayl!
So, why I'm so pissed off?
This movie.
This Claire, well, Yali once hacked to my account and insulted my cousins!
How different?
No different, but I was innocent.
Now doom is coming.
I'm trail to get my black wings.
Wings from transforming karma.
The karma guardian.
Nice.


I want to see Cruel Intentions.
I see it as inspirational movie.
Being the seducing girl.
Oh, how sweet is it?
Me and my best guy friend, or my family.
Having bets, who I'll seduce?
Sweet.
Very sweet.

I like the album title, Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge.
One day, I'll be able to say it.


This movie gave me a headache.
I'm leaving to see Cruel intentions, and then to write the starting post on, make me, the part of alpha.
And meanwhile search for more.


Goodbye, darlings.
Let's hope that all of our enemies will breath the poisonous gas of misery.
And maybe to find an English dictionary, the more you know, the stronger you get.
Believe me.

Berries, survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Glove

I knew it.
I've been in worst.
Now I'm in the highway for best.
Today I went to the mall, with my best friends, Maya and Maya, and Keren that pissed me a lot today.
So before we hit the stores (barely) we had school.
And in school.
Oh school.

So today we had rehearsals, and I lately giving 100 percent on it.
The teachers for the dance notice it.
It's fun, after all.
I still hate to dance, but habits are breakable.

So, then I had a good day.
Drew, heard and watched another annoying anti-alcohol and anti teen drinking presentations.
I know it's stupid.
Tell people to know to respect themselves, tell to not have sex, speak about drugs, about not wearing slutty clothes.
Tell the things that matter, drinking problem is nothing against drugs, not speaking about being pregnant or being asshole without any respect.

I played this game, pig tongue, which I suck at.
I always lose, and they laugh, because I'm so goofy.

So, nice day.
Nice day.



Mall, I got new bikini (I have about 6, and only 4 fits).
And Keren is really drag girl.
She's getting dragged to other things.
Example, curse of popularity.
Why?
Most of people die halfway, so, the demons take the corpses.
And the other angels and I, won't take the pieces, it's too late.

So, she thinks that the whole world will wait for her.
Nope.
What's means more? friends or popularity?
Friends.
And you are each others populars.
Thank you bitches.
Fuck you all.
And this is for all the people I hate and dislike.

And today, I switched sits.
I sit behind Keren,
and right near guy, he's the smartest, but people treat him like he's a geek, so he became one, but he is really nice and sweet.
And he have amazing eyes, green gray, so beautiful.
I have an eyes fetish.
At least I'm not a pervert.

And behind me sits Ido, yes, the cuddly one with my friend that broke up with her, on a text message, on whatsapp.
And next to him, sits Gal, the guy, the other guy.
I kinda like him, as a friend.
He's funny, smart, and not douchbagy!
It's good.
Great, actually.


And, as I missed it a lot...
Class drama!
Don't you just love it?
And I tell you what kind.
Boyfriend/girlfriend problems.
And it's amazing, like we are fucking 6 graders, you should find your real friends.
So who got the spotlight?
Yali (and as I call her in my phone, whore) and the guy who asked me to be his girlfriend last year.
Like he's my leftovers.
But not really.
Or maybe really?
Well, anyway.
It's pretty much like every other drama saga in school, there are teams.
And it's not hard to guess what I picked.
The pity boy team.
He was my friend since I was 4, he means a lot to me.
And this little guy, reminds me Jude, fall in love with the wrong ones.
Jude from the immortals.
So, let's see me.
The new class of bitching, going for it.

I'm somehow, becoming a new type of queen bees, it's so nice.
Fits like a glove.

Right now I'm Cruel intentions, love it.
Oh my, doesn't it wonderful.
I have information, underground system of my own.
If my sister and I could be this way.
Actually better, my cousin and I.
Those sweet bets, easy things.
Control.
Funny maybe it will work.
Or maybe with best friend.
My lovely glove, better then ever.


As always, but better,
My highness and snobiness is out of here.


Berries, survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Roger Rabbit

 I will have an eternal thanks for someone named on instagram mychemicalromancefan175.
Why?
Because of him I found myself hearing two bands that are new for me.
Circa Survive, my less liked choice.
And, Sleeping With Sirens, I keep hearing Roger Rabbit.

I drew a painting, that at the start, as it looks right at this moment:

Liked it?

And at the start I thought I'll put Autumn Leaves of Ed Sheeran, because, well, it's obvious -and if not, it'll be!-.

Today was as usual.
But the morning.
I had the health tests for sport class (which I think I passed) and it was stupid.
We just put some information, and then we went to a room, with those cycling machines, and we cycled.
Most of time I slipped from the chair, and it annoyed me and my ass!


Then school as usual.
Talking, walking, playing, laughing.
Socializing, moralizing, analyzing, -and in between- criticizing.

Simple life.

I don't know why am I stepping away from you.
Seriously I'm getting far and away.
Like I have better things to do.
I guess since I have this therapist and my favorite anchors, maya tribe.

I need another anchor, and sometimes I forget it.



Well, today at the therapist, she gives me the subjects to think a lot about.
Like she told me something that my parents say.
About Yali unforgivable and unforgettable thing.
She's poor, full with envy, will destroy someone else to become popular.

Look.
Popular is a curse.
People will sell their souls to get this "gift" that will never make them any good.
Attention will never be everything in life.
Being clever is.
Not smart, but clever.
To know what to do.
Not to be able to solve extreme hard mathematical problems.

Everytime I think in my head about how much whores they are, I start thinking about horses.
It made me call them Whoreses, they look and talk -and some smell- like horses, but they are sluts for anyone.
Whoreses!


Another part of the day, they've put low humor thing on YouTube.
I felt stupid while watching it.
Try a little harder, please give me a reason to believe they can be mature, even a little, but please!
Respect, is not so easy to gain right now, just don't publish slutty photos, or wear clothes that shorter from your panties.
Not so hard, aren't it?
And guys, at least give me a reason to be nice to you.
I have my peronality kept for the right ones, prove me you are one.

I don't need a boyfriend, it's just a fancy dumb nickname for best friend in disguise.
I feel comfy and loved and safe only with people I don't have a problem to lay my legs on.
Just so.
It's the key for me.
Best friends deserve for it.


I don't know what will happen, I'm playing a dangerous game named life, and right now I'm stuck in the school square, I already passed a half, so it's good.
And I can lose anytime on this game, but it's not the point.
How to win?
Get to the last square.
I'm gonna win.


So, I want to get some Gigas for free, so I'll gonna make a review about Copy.
If you want to sign up, please read the bottom and get through this link to earn 5gb, free from me!

Copy, I love it.
Copy is a cloud sharing system, similiar to dropbox.
It offeres 15 gb at the start, with option to pay for more.
If you don't want to pay, you are lucky, the bonuses offeres a lot.
Like tweeting, it gives you extra two gigas!
And with every friend who get signed up from your link, you both get extra 5 gigas!

Aren't it awesome?

But this, you know that you can share between you and your friend.
I know it's common.
But it's so common when you can split the storage?
Like, if we going to make poison file, it will include 4 gigas.
Each one will take in his part 100 mb, and I'll take the rest.

Isn't it great?


So please get from the link, I hope you want to start with 20gigabytes instead of 15.
Or 5 in Dropbox.

Go copy!


Today I thought for myself.
Yali dropping poison, hypnotizing eveyone, fooling that she's the pity one.
If she'll go harder, I can spread venom.

There's a reason that my soul is mine from the devil, we work together.
I play this game well.
Trust me.
Or should I show you?

So I think the post is long enough for someone who have nothing to say.
I hope that tomorrow will be Tuesday Drama.
Or at least something to share.

As always,

Berries, survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Back here

Oh, sweet darling.
Today reminded me Yin and Yang, the strange balance between the best and worst.
It also reminds me the Koy fish, in avatar, the moon and the sea ghosts, in their flesh form.
Do you remember -if you saw- the name of the moon girlfriend? her name is Yue, the meaning is month or moon, and admiral Jiao, the name means dates (the palm tree brown fruits), I know it because my friend name is Jiao in Chinese, and we learned a lot.

So today, Maya got back, finally.
I thought she went for a month, the days were so slow without her.
She only left for 12 days.
I told her everything.
She want that will go to the police, another one in my team.
G doesn't want to.
I know why.
Today, at the morning, I saw that she and Yali (lets call her wbf, worst best friend) walking and talking on the way to school.
Make sense dear, make sense.

So after it, at sport, Gal seemed like she's dead from inside.
I started crying, it's hard to see her this way.
I guess I was so based on our friendship, that when she went away, all the things I built on, broke down.
Simply, ask every house designer.

So, then we had our math test, I finished it so quick, the first one.
After 20 minutes it's done.
The rest done it like, forever.
They saw me with wide open eyes "HOW?".

It was nice.
Spend the last two hours with drawing, can I get more?
Then I got home.
My mom, my sister, my brother, and I went to the mall, we bought the pants we need to the elementary city graduation.
White trousers (I hate -and in the same time love- this word!) from the knee and lower.
And I wore a dress today.
Yes.
White dress.
I like dresses.
They're just so simple.
And you turn it to everything you want.

Now I'm searching for how to make a dress from men button shirt.
I have denim one, and I would like to know how.

So I'm just easy today.
No feet on the hard sharp ground.
Well, it mean only one thing, landing won't be so nice.

It's annoy me.
Everyone acting like nothing happened.
Like she's not the devil.
Like her soul aren't black.
I know I'm fading to the dark side, but she kicked out of there! she was too evil!

I wish I had British or Australian accent.
It's just so adorable.

If I could to be with you, one day.
I'll cry.
Not because any possible reason.
Because your sympathy.
You are probably the cause I'm living for.
To show you that it's possible to survive.
And now, I don't find any reason to stop living.
I can become a new class of bitch!

Like, I have dream body (I guess tan curly and skinny are enough).
I have a smile even when everyone can see I'm buried alive.
I'm friendly.
I meet people, use my confidence to make a beggining and bam, they start to like me, as a friend or more, but they won't hate me when I'll use my charming skills!
I get whatever I want.
I'm spoiled.
I have a dream life.
It's intresting to make them  a nightmare.
It's funny to see them thinking they won, and then, they fall and lose.
Even trigerring to fool them to do it again.
Like a game.

Cruel, I know.
But when you can have the power, won't you release it?
All I know that if someone will give me power, I will think about becoming the queen of hell.

I want to have wings, white ones like in Ed Sheeran video of Give Me Love.
And pretty eyes, not blue, but rainbow, you see every shade in them.
Spectrum eyes.

Well, I'm about to go to sleep.
Hopefully to have the best dream.
I want insparation.
I want everything.
I want to have a life, in a dream.
Better.

And I'll fade into the night.
Sleeping.
Goodnight.


Berries, survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Productiveness

"How it's like?" she asked,
I knew what she meant.
"It's like to get shot, in the heart, and to stay alive, and everyone don't care, and they leave you to bleed while the one who tried to murder you gain the attention, as a martyr, miserable and confused martyr" I replied.
Her eyes seems to be hollow, she see but she remember something.
I see.
It's a girl, against a group, I see the girls, and she in them, the leader and her two sides mocks this girl, she walk away, not crying, just freeze her face, don't want to explode.
And here the asker, with her group, looking at the walker, and don't say a thing in the conversation of the harming group.

It didn't happened, but since I was 4 I imagined a crowd, like an interview.
Exactly interview.
Since then, it's how I figure things, when I can't do them like "normal" people do.

If I was shot, and it would really be like it, I know that being shot won't hurt and stay as long as what really happens.

There's a difference between bully and being shot, you don't want either.
None of them is better.
Though, that depends on time of the bullying.

I want to know, if somewhere, far or close, there's someone like me.
And how much they're like me.
But it's like a mirror to another dimension, if I go there, I'll vanish.

Call me immature but I just love those dress up games.
And I love pokemon, I keep playing my gameboy emulator on the computer, and I always lose at the elite four.
And I hate the fact that people stopped putting code lyoko.
But I'm glad that there's Robot and Monster, and I adore Avatar, Aang is the cutest, not talking about the little boy that Zuko gave him his sword.

So, it was supposed to be the starting post for another blog, but it's hard to maintain two blogs.

It's or to switch or to close.

I won't switch you.

Though you started to go away.

I'm going to play sims, create people.

I'll draw lolita figures.

Find in my clothes lolita outfits.

I'll be back.

Or I'll be gone.

Today was a complete non productive day.

Tomorrow will be better.

I'm going to far away.

So bye and yep....

Berries, survivors,

I hope you'll make it.

Flashback

Wow.
What's just happened?

I woke up, knew it will be an awful day.
After wearing gym clothes, the only kind of pants I like to wear, and some shirt.
I got up, and went to school.
And guess what, pain in my life is a must.
Guess who became best friends, my enemies.
They came few minutes after me, talking to everyone like nothing happened.
Like I'm not exist.
Not like, but exactly it.
I'm not exist.

So it started this way, from Hebrew (it's super hard, to remember everything!) and to math when I did my geometry test, I couldn't really be focused.
And then break.
I wasn't with Maya, she was with major bitch [captain whore, admiral sha (sha in Chinese is to kill)].
I was with Key, and it's good she's here, without her I would break down, apart, and the wind will blow away the scraps.

Then English.
Most of time, I laugh at the start of the first two hours.
But today at the ending of the second.
This much.
And it wasn't that there we're no jokes.
I didn't felt like laughing is the right thing to do, like it's not true.

I came home, though I have my goddamn period, I went surfing, and Maya got her period too, she used tampon, I didn't.
For my huge enormous luck, I didn't make a red aura around me.
It was better.
Like a day in a rising.

Then I came home.
Ate ice cream.
Nice.

Then I got a text.
From Maya.
She came from Germany!
I missed her so much.
And I'm supposed to see her tomorrow, I want that she'll go to the mall with me.
A nice thing to do for once.
An escape.

So, now.
I'm in my room.
Having my personal mind monologues.
Lost it all played.
And then I thought quite a lot.
And when I thought enough.
I figured that Gal stepped away since I told her about it, this secret.
Giving me what people who are popular -or think they are- give to the common people, to the lower humans.
She let me survived by myself, left me to die alone.
When she didn't need me, she left me, I was useless.
I became for her a broken human, extra work to fix.

I hear now Stay (stay awake, untitled, or how I call it, stay alive), and I wonder, if I'll ever save someone.
And I wonder, if someone really have the same thoughts as me, to bleed, to cry, to scream, to die.

I want to show you a picture I found.
The scariest.
The one that shows my past.
Marked.

Then I lost it all...

This photo took long ago.
When everything came.
Look how many.
I know that if I counted them all at the time, it was more then hundred.
For sure.
One time I counted seventy.
Yes, seventy.

It's craziness.
No wonder why she stepped away.
She's not a true friend, not completable for psychos.


I barely breathing.

I remeber everything in my life.
And I never thought that this is how I'll throw my 12th birthday.
I thought I'll made a huge party, and I'll be happy.
I hate parties, so I asked for making small thing, like going to NY.
And I'm miserable.

I don't consider my story as awful.
I consider it hard, because I'm staying alive, it's awful.
To keep breathing, heart beating, mind giving it all out, slipping away, as I say that I'm okay, lying, dying, lost in a world, silent, not able to say a word.

My mom told me something half funny half sad.
Yali's sister was at the park, my mum said hi to her.
Then my -epic- mum told to her friends, all the other mothers, about the story.
And major bitch's sister was shocked.
Like, wow.
The other mothers started crying.

Do you know those lines saying that the worst thing it's to say your mother crying?
I saw mine.
And I cried myself.
I'm actually crying right now.


I'll always ask myself if you are the same.
But never get an answer.
I know that you a little like me, you are lazy.


Well, since this post will go to another piece in the huge blogger system.
What can I lose?


If I'll ever get famous, I'd ask from a make up arist to make me look like another person and I'll start to ask people about me, while I'm in the other mask.
Then after I'll stop asking, I'll take off the mask, and say hi.
And film it all.
I'm that awesome.

And if you'll get famous, do it.
I'm going to make another doll.
I'm in love with it.
I want to make a colletion.
Berry dolls.

I'll make one when my nails dry.
I made Gir ones, with the cute green dog outift and the creepy shiny cold robot.

Goodbye my loves.


Berries, survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Stay

There's difference between Arabs and Muslims, but I'll talk about it on Back note.
So another *Arab* killer, in London.
It seems that Panic is the best song for this situation.

Panic in the streets of London, panic in the streets of Birmingham,
I wonder to myself, could life be sane again..

It shows to all the people who lecture Israel to stop bully the Arabs, when they have failing killing and bombing attempts.
All I can say is, Boston, London, you are newbies, Israel in this business long ago, ask Moses.
And seriously, when will people fix their brain and see who are the troublemakers.

So, today it's my school-off-school day, every Thursday I'm going to the geniuses school, and today there were some switch so we started it like that:
Chinese (like always!) -Yiselie hen mei!- and we made symbols from the basics.
Then, animation (it was supposed to be the third and last hour) and I've got all my stopmotion animations.
And then, some circus thing! I learned three Diablo tricks and some floor juggling.

It was fun, I also took the new Magnum, the espresso, and I can say, the pink one it's my favorite.


So let's clear stuff.
My father is now in some town in Detroit, and he's luggage got lost in New York.
I'm not emotionally crazy anymore (stupid distracting period!).


So today I forgot that nobody that I know likes alternative rock, or some rocks and few metal, and it's hard to explain to my pop shiny hits friends about anything I like.

I can make another doll, inspired by anything.
I'll make one and ask you at the bottom where all the comments are, and you'll pick the name, maybe your name, or someone you love... anything.


I just watched this movie, Cyberbully.
I watched it at the last time, half year ago.
I feel it now, if you'd see the changes, the pain there and now.
I feel like I'm falling.


I have good news, I didn't passed on the quiz but the two others did!
It's amazing!


Now I'm hearing the song Stay, or untitled, because they never told it.
I think it's about someone who wants to die, but he trying to convince him to not do it, because he tells him that someone care for them and love them after all it,
And I'm crying now, salty tears coming out of my eyes, making rivers on my cheeks.

It's hard, so hard, try to make yourself to see strong, unbreakable, when the inside, is nothing but broken, shattered.
Your eyes leak, dropping all the pain in liquid.
And you cry far from people you know, to not make them suffer, not make you a charity case, or a pity one to take care of.

I'm blocking again, I'm building this walls, the room for recovery.
Make my feelings hidden. Again.
Leaving my tears for myself.
Hearing about someone that tries to save someone, before it'll be too late.
And I wonder, if one say someone will hear this song, and think about me, because he saved me.
But though, there's a line, more like a question, he asks if there's someone that really cares?
And that's the problem.
What if not?
It's one of the hardest thoughts, and if not, the hardest.

I also heard "Gold" of wake owl.
"But I don't feel like I'm falling, I'm up against the sky"
I believe that after I'll get up, not bleeding like the other time, maybe metaphorically bleeding, but not physically.

Look at the comment.
On stay.

I always cry in this song, I feel broken everyday, I feel dead inside and yet, so alive, the rage making my heart pulse keep beating, but when I'm alone, I cry, I break, I shatter.I guess it's what happens to people who want to end their lives but won't, because they scared, not to hurt themselves, not as much to hurt the ones that loves them.

It's me.
And it's true.

And if you didn't knew, I consider you as my second best friend, I don't know you, but I'm comfortable telling you everything.
Like you are like the nicer version of Patch from cresscendo (hush hush).
And if I had another ways to compare you, but I can't, nothing explains it, you see? you are one of a kind.

And if you feel life doesn't worth it, remember that you are keeping me alive, and if I'll die, the others might want to end their lives, not because I died, because they'll think that it's the on;y soulution.
Maybe it's another reason I'm still breathing, that I'm giving you the soulution.


I'm letting myself break, and bear it underground.

You are might be the best thing that ever happened to me.
People who really listen, or reading (?).


Since it's too much, the feeling, the movie, the song, the situation.
I'm gonna put the picture of the hideous doll, and

What would it's name be?

I want you to pick a name, every name, someone you care about, that this post reminds you, even yourself.

I need to practice saying it more,
So I'll start with you.

I love you, you are the world to me, and I think that I'd die without you, you mean so much.

So you need to promise one thing, and it's in every finishing of post.
You need to stay with me (berries), you need to survive, and you have to make it, okay?

Shattered girl, is going to watch the last episode of the secret circle (again),
And cry and see sad questions in the hebrew site of yahoo.
Like the old times, but now I know what's wrong with me, and what's wrong with the rest -even if I'll keep blaming myself- and I'll sleep and dream, on eveything that night will give me.

Last thing, I consider it as one of my favorite posts, ever, it finally gives me something to hold onto, I hope you'll stay, because I do love you and care about you.


Berries, survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Twerk

OK, this time is the begging of the future.
I'm on my way to lose all the hate and rage that I held.
Kayne is nice bunny, another one, like the Pandora bracelet charms that people adding, I add plush dolls.
I'm clear, if it's a way to say it.

Today, the rest of the 6th graders and I had a long practice for the city's final event, the end of the year, of elementary school.
So since I'm not in the best I didn't gave all that I can't, and the dancing teacher yelled for a long time on me, seriously a scene.
But, I know how it is.
Sometimes you just explode, and sometimes on others, and no matter who they are, what they are, what they feeling.
So I forgive her.
Nobody wants to be a teacher, especially for dancing, for 6th graders.

And I know how it feels, before and after, and meanwhile the explosion, so I know.

With all this amazing scene, I didn't cried, why would I?
I remember the whole tears story.
I stopped myself from crying, avoiding tears, keeping myself like a wall, never to fall (rhyme!).
So lately, I did fell, actually crashed, falling is too simple.
And then I let myself cry, so many tears were held in my eye.
Now, I stopped myself again.
When I crash, all the blocks to prevent the bad side of me, the one I'll never be proud of, they all falling with me.


The rest was better.
Laugh, art, even a shocked face as a reaction for the trick that the magician guy (one dumb boy call him in English Magic Boy).

I started my new draw notebook.

Oh, I need to go and organize my backpack.

It's disgusting, all the not eaten sandwiches got rotten, it's showing hoe long I'm not eating those.
But now, I'm eating them, the new ones are better.
And I'm growing, I eat only when I know that my stomach will make an awful whale noise, it happened once, never again.

So I found something interesting, Zommbieboy with blond hair and suit and a bow tie, with a rose, crying.
I remember why he's crying, it was before Soul became he's, he planned to date her, but Ray took her to the dance.

Well, I never were kind to my art figures, just so.
In animation, they mostly die, or pass out, or get beaten up.
What can I say, I'm a girl with major issues.

So today I played with my bestguyfriend the famous nitrome game "Nitrome Must Die" and another guy, that I don't really like, started to say that I suck, I replied with "So I lose at the fifth round at black ops, I do suck", and then he asked, surprised "You play black ops?" I nodded, and asked "What's the problem?", he said the most common thing "It's not a girl thing".
Who cares?
I love kicking zombie's ass!
And it's not girly to play soccer, and be a geek, but I'm still have feminess in me, it appers only when I'm not ready, best example is before flights, on april fools, before the 8 hour flight.


So today at the dance, there was a part, in the dance, including -believe or not-, TWERKING.
We are only 12, and there's a religous school with us.
It's so weird.

So today I've read my magazine, and somehow, for my luck, there was a part about 30 seconds to mars, and they won't come to Israel (shame on them!) but it's cool, I'm glad to find my favorites.
And do not forget that they montioned My Chemical Romance (day have a power on teenagers, in Israel!), I'm translating it:

In times where emo bands like My Chemical Romance break up and another familiar bands like Fall Out Boy comebacking because the members failed as solo artists,....

I don't care calling them emo, seriously, that's they mentioned there, it's giving me a smile.
It's fun that they do remember.
But only now I'm regreting, I gave away one of the papers that was about Black Veil Brides, and I just want to bang my head on the desk, seriously, I don't like something until it's gone.
And I'm right now trying to find it, and oh, look such a douchbagy thing!
Let's share the Israel haterd.

Actually I think it's awesome, when I tought that Israel can not rise the limits, it did!
When I thought that Yahoo people are stupid, I found it.

So, there are fans, and I love typos, instead to make a werious serious comment they write it accidently hillarious.
But after all it is serious.
So I won't laugh.

By the way, as much as I hate to make those annoying shoutouts like on Instagram, there's one girl, who started follow me, so I followed back (being kind for free!) and I can't find her.
So when I will, I'll share, so you'll se her, and her cute family (espcially brothers!).
And her pizza, she took a picture, of half eaten pizza, later that day I ate pizza.

So, I'll stay alive, as much as sometimes I'd like to bury myself, like in the kill (bury me).

Well, only last thing.
Don't you love trolls -the emo stacy (razorblade) viewrs and fans- but I mean the one who write like someone who is not only drunk but also found a fly on the keyboard and start to kill it and smash the keyboard.

Game, I recommend the app Unpleasent Horse, and to kill all the prity ponies!


Berries, survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Meet Rayne

Period.
Fucking hate it.
And guess who fucking love it?
All the rest of the girls, they're dying to get one.
Yali got one, today.
Well, she was happy.
I've got mine today.
What?

So, I hope it's explaining my morning stomachaches -that I thought that they were a begging of a disease- and my need to sweet things, and the extra-emotions in this roller coaster.
So, the on;y pain is my stupidity, this puberty gift, and the everyday situation.

Just for you to know, I'm a "daddy's girl".
Seriously, little spoiled brat ho gets everything she wants.
But still lock in her mind.
That's me.

So, today was medium plus, if you'd ask.
Like, I did had fun, I'm really good at communicating, especially with the not populars, it's fun to talk and know we all the same, to talk and to know, because they will say, not planning a vicious plan underground, they'll say in your face your best things.
They own good soul.

Look, they dragging me to he bright side.
It's weird, I'm trying to sink in their, drown in blues and greens and browns, in rainbow after a storm, and they dragging me to white clouds with lovely sunshine.

So, I think everything could be better without the painful period.


This daddy girl, her parents going to the cops, let's kill the bitch.
Make her life a destruction site, and we got all the signs that it's time to start.
Goodbye loves, I'm happy to finally destroy, and regain a pair of wings.

Meet the new puppet, black bunny, name: Kayne.
Why? Like in the Immortels, Rayne, and like in Matched, Ky.

Berries, survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Apologize

Why people feel sorry for the weak ones?
Okay, I get that the weak ones have the easiest way to connect to their emotions.
The weak ones are making "mistakes" in purpose and not caring -and knowing- the consequences.
And who pay for it?
Innocence people that turn into two options, one stronger, two dead.
I became stronger.
I'm not really alive though, but my blood still running in my body, so I'm not physically dead.

Today I were miserable.
It started nicely, turned to hell-alike.
At the morning I did the quiz, doesn't matter.
Then, the devil came.

My teacher, her, the principal and I, talked.
They don't, and will never, get how much it is for me.
They all reject and not promoting the apology that Yali will have to say.
The fuck?!
Seriously, this bitch haven't passed a month yet and she wants to go, because she have the option to leave.
Excuse me bitch?!

I don't care what's wrong with her, if she won't apologize, I'll go to the police.
She is doomed.
Or this, to apologize, and suffer a little, for barely a hour, or to never be able to get an American Visa.
I am a bitch.
I am mean.
I am cruel.
But, don't be worried, I know that what I'm doing coming from a temporarily insanity, and in no time I'm back to be the old and same unhappy girl.
For now, I can kill a dove with bare hands.

I dreamt last night about something.
That I cut myself 3 times, in even lines, perfectly in order.
And then, it became hell.
Well, this dream is freaking me out, I thought about it all day.

My tears aren't here, they need time to get into eyes after I lost them all.
It's crazy, she's so stupid and she's don't care because people are here for the weak dumb ones, and they take care for her, I'm all alone with some of my friends and my family.

I have only 3 friends in my class, who are girls.
They get me, and two of them are my best friends.
And those two aren't here.

There's a girl, who doesn't get me and I'm trying to be nice, but I'm too late, she became Yali's pet.
Seriously.
I feel like I am the wrong one.
But that's not true.

They don't want that Yali will apologize because then she'll be humiliated.
Like I don't know what's shame means, how much being humiliated stings.

I feel like I'm stupid.
I don't really know what stops me from drinking poison.
Or any way to kill myself.


I have nothing more to say.
I'm driving insane.
I'm going to hear music, a little to continue with my pretty amazing draw of black veil brides, I want to do My Chemical Romance riding on piggies, or just do them natrually, and the others, I'll think about it.


Berries, survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Stuck

I fucking can't stand it.
Everyday I seat down in my chair, passing the time, counting the seconds that left from my world, that suddenly started crumbling, the walls breaking and cracking, the celling is falling, all the windows shattered.
Look at me, I feel like nothing but a fool.
Everyday, who is acting like dumbass and getting all the attention, Yali.
Who suffer at the side, staring like nothing in front of me, like I'm staring at the eyes of a human in the other edge of the world.

I understand that most of humans that walking, breathing, and living on this world don't give a shit about you, without sympathy.
And I understand that most of my class like this.
But, they saw me, they saw that I didn't smiled.
They saw me tearing apart, falling to pieces.
They saw it.
But they didn't care.
Or didn't understood.
And maybe, just both.

But I'd at least ask for you to be on my side.
All of them believe that the scared little girl that was to ashamed to apologize is the angel.
I'm not saying I never did sin, but I'm supposed to be the angel in the story.
So yes, I am tough, this came from no choice, or this, or death.
I picked tough.
And that they I've was away, not from a choice, because they didn't gave me it.
I'm not an easy story.
But for my class they won't listen, too busy to talk their mega awesome friends, and go to many awesome party, and have much more awesomeness that I don't have space in their tiny boring lives.

If at least once they've felt what I've felt.
Oh, it would've change everything.
Too much things that it's better that's only me.


Imagine how would I drive insane if everyone was a lot like me.
I would have to say.
Ich.
Seriously I'll get sick of it.

 I'm in the gray zone (I would say twilight zone if I knew what it means) just between black and white.
I have an awful communication problem with Gal, serious hole.
I want her to be with me.
I'm too shy to ask her and make it happen.
I asked her when we'll go to the mall, she said she'll call me.
It's one of the top ten lies in her dictionary, she never calls or answers.
And I'm sitting aside, feeling unwanted.
I always think that she's with someone popular and I'm so underground, that it might be danger for her highness.
And I know she's confused because it's not how a real friend acts.
But what shall I do when one Maya in Germany and now the other in Eilat.
And this is really means all alone for me.

Not even one close one true friend in a radios of 1000 miles.
How sick is that?
I know that if I wasn't shy and reconnect with the other girls I'll be in a better state.
But since I didn't done effort to make it happen, I'm stuck.

Finally I'm really just making time go away as fast as possible.
I'm not enjoying anymore.
I'm away from my friends.
And I don't have any way to harm or feel.
All I feel is need for depression, and sadness, and depression because I'm not enough depressed to feel joy from good news.
So from how long it is, it has became to my natural mood.


How much pain can be in someone, as I know, a lot.
And everytime he get to the limit, it goes higher, and higher, and then, BAM, new highscore.
Your limit got higher, waiting to break and past it's line again.


I wonder if one day, someone will want the blogger site name, and he'll check who took it, he'll be intreted and start to read this story, then after he'll change the site name, his first post will have a little mantion of me, the girl with the weird story and the blogsite name I wanted.

Well, just a song that even came popular right now, I kind of like.

"Just give me a reason, just a little bit enough..."

Pink aren't that bad.


Soon and coming closer, school ending, you can feel the summer, smell the burning scent of salt water of the sea, to become red from the jellyfish venom, do everything, because it's the time to drown with yourself and entire new society, one that you'd like.

And all the other classes who gradurated yearrs before us, cried when they left school.
I won't, thank god!
I'm tired from the stupidity, that I'd probably meet again in middle school, but for now, I'll mingle with others.
Thanks for the special grade for everyone who got in from the area.
The ones who proof their smart vs. sports skill.


I do have much more to say, but since I have other blogs, and bedtime, goodbye.

"We can be kicking high heel leather boots!"

Baby bee.

And for last, a video of mine.
I made a short sneakpeak for animation of, not else but zombieboy!

Berries, survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Again

I'm sorry for being obsessive with all he story with Yali.
All this time I blamed myself, and rage has kept so hot and strong in my heart, in my blood.
And now here's the truth, the one who own the whole fault, to blame.
But what?
Nobody blames her, but me.
-almost- Everyone treats her like she's innocence and just a pretty face who make mistakes.
I will never call it a "mistake" because if mistakes would look like this, mistake would sound like killing instead of putting salt in the lemonade you made.

I wonder why people still act like nothing happened.
I know the reason, but it's still being douchy to my pain.
Like they don't have sympathy, at all.
They don't even care.
And they can't see me crumbling behind my walls.
I made no windows.
I wonder if they know that after school I ran to my bed and started crying?
Guessed when I'll face self harm or suiciding (that one of them will never happen and other never again), suicidal thoughts came, sane slipped away.
I cried and asked myself what's wrong with me.
After it I went to shower, and got in my bed, like I'll sleep.
I had nightmares, I woke up at night, and started to cry.

I started to plan everything in my life.
I planned my revenge.
I talked to my audience.
I always talk to myself, asking myself, answering to myself, since I was little, since I remember myself.
I promised myself that it will never happen again.
I learned everything that led me to this very moment.
From different cults, to the cuts, to another people.
I threw myself to everything that will except me, if not they way I am, the mask I'll made.

I made myself to built up again, a little less fragile.
Hanged on false hopes and dreams.
And then when I thought I finally "recovered", I was happy again.
Really happy.
I thought it was all behind me.

You know I was wrong.

I had pretty summer, surfing on waves, making friends with another people, with Ido, with a little girl named Yael, and another one that because of her I liked helix.
I loved every day of it.

School has started.
Nice.
A new principal that's better then our last one, the "Commander".
Let's start the year.
All the girls were in great relationship with me.
Especially with Gal.
At Hanukkah, Gal was in Germany, and I stayed sad and alone.
I was crazy and tried to cut myself.
I stole one of my father's shaving razors and broke it to 3 small metal blades.
I've cut myself, frantic from the joy in it.
And I've got my winter depression.
I was so sad, depressed.
And for the long winter.
I started to forget the pain everytime that I was with her.
And she started to push me away.
Guess that she didn't needed my friendship anymore.
Left me to bleed by myself.

And now you knot -again- the story.
Of course there's many more.
And this is why in my new blog (again? again!) The Chase, The post in the tab named "for the story", read it the full long exhausting story.

Today I want my new cousin.
She's so tiny, 6 days old.

But I prefer to not effect anyone in my bad aura.
My aura went brighter when I was with her, I could sense it.
So read the chase.

Fat & Diet

I'm sorry for lying.
I swear I didn't knew what will happen.

But I'm not the devil.
I'm not evil.
I'm just a scared little girl.

She's not afraid from me.
Nobody treats her differently.
She's stronger then I thought.

I didn't fooled others.
I've fooled myself.
I made myself believe I am the best, the strongest, the smartest.
But then there's one thing I didn't excepted to.
Key wasn't in school.
Gal went to but thing for her Bat-Mitzvah.
Maya ds were somewhere else.
.I left alone with  Maya g.
And the problem is that she was around Yali.
Maya told me today that she trying to diet.
She thinks she's fat.
She told me she wants to starve herself a little.
I was shocked.
She aren't fat, she is very skinny, she has an amazing body.
And I told her that's on the edge of anorexia.

I don't believe to Yali's lies,
But my best friend does.


I don't get any young people trying to diet.
Especially the skinny ones, like that's that you have a little thick thighs (like me) or a huge but (that I'm proud of) or not a flat stomach (that sometimes give me problems at some clothing stores, but most of time it's beautiful), as long as your not grizzly bear you are fine!

As long as you know you are skinny or not that fat you are fine.
Like, when you say that you are fat and have so many flaws (MEAN GIRLS) but you are pretty, I mean extraordinary piece of hotness.
So dear girls (it's girls only), stop stealing words!

I say that all the pretty, slim, sexy girls who say they ugly (or just simply say, hoes) they just want compliments they need for their extra low self esteem.
But all the girls who aren't that perfect, who have under the normal and above the "perfect" shape, the gorgeous who doesn't need compliments, and the ones who really considered sexy because of their body and not the clothing way THEY ONLY THANKING FOR THE COMPLEMENTS.

I mean that if somebody says something nice to you say Thank you.
And if they say something not very nice thing to you say Thank you in a very sarcastic voice.
It's that simple.

I hate all those hoes (yes, yes I did.) who says nerdy when they dress half naked.
Seriously.
Most of them are really ugly.
Or just really stupid.
But honestly,
They're both.


So today was different ending.
Instead of the continue of the crappy start and middle, others speak of it.
A' is a one guy (not very smart, funny, medium+ popularity), so he told me that in the whatsapp group that includes the teen royalty (Plastics, but worse, they have their own jerkish  personality for each one) they been talking about her.
He and -of course- I didn't knew what the talked about.
I wish I could know.

Or maybe I'll see what I don't want to see.
They'll might have rude comments for me.
But probably not.


Today after surfing Maya g told me a very fascinating information about a girl.
Another girl want to do helix like mine.
Guess who?
The cause for torture in teenaging girls, the one and only, Yali.
Yes, bitched want to look like me.

What can I say?
I'm someone to give an example for life.
I mixed social with sports with school and with confidence.
It's rare.
I don't mean the mixture, the confidence.
People have lack of confidence because of the corset queen.
I'm not flat stomach and stick hips, not even close.
But I do look at my tops.
Boobs that is a very good starter.
Ass, seriously large African ass, Brazilian ass.
Muscles, I have well defined leg muscles.
Skinny noodle arms with power of a killer.
Curly living fizzy hair, jumping with every move.
I love my face, small nose, wide thick pink-red lips, long lashed brown eyes, without any child fat (when you were babies and had those chubby face, that's child fat).

I find myself beautiful.
But not perfect.
Perfect exist only in dumb girls facebook comments.


Cynical girl, out.


Berries, survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

3 days.

So if I missed a eek it could look a bit creepy...
So I haven't posted 3 long days.
And here is each one of them.

First day of holiday, Monday.
Mom and I went to Tel-Aviv.
Finally.
I love Tel-Aviv, not the weird streets in the creepy (and crappy) neighborhoods.
I love the main streets.
The market.
And oh, so many clothing.
I got sweatpants, enough for now, it'll be good for next year, everyday there's a gym lesson, so sweatpants are the only option.
I got so many beautiful tank tops -I think it's the muscle style- and with so many patterns, of Heineken, tribal with cuts in the back, a turquoise with Jack Daniel's thing, and many more that I've already forgot.
And rings, beautiful new rings, silver, a lion head, sharp studs, and a snake.
I love them.
I loved this day.

Second day of holiday, Tuesday.
Came to family, at start with the big one, they have new puppies, so cute, after 3 hours I went to my great-grandma house, I love to be in her place, my cousins always there.
But came only 2 from the 4.
And my aunts, they have horror cosmetic stories, about buttocks and boob surgeries and nose surgeries and permanent make up.
Seriously this thing will make you never want to "upgrade" yourself.
Then we talked.
My great-grandma told me and my cousin (that is older then me by 1 year) about stories, like all the stories of snake killing.
Seriously, I have the best.
Then we talked, again, and again, and again.
My cousin (in the army, she's 20, extremely funny) and the other cousin (male, 13, an awesome guy), we started talking about the guys from my class.
She said she'll talk to Yali (seriously, she'd done it once.) and it was awesome family time.
Then I ate meat.
It was delicious.
And I'm using common words because I'm too lazy to use my brain.

Third day.
Today.
Well I've just cleaned up my closet.
And made a lot of shirts from old ones.
It came out gorgeous.
I made a skeleton back one, a fringe from a bears shirt with "I love you", simple shirt and put MCR logo on the back while the front is open (it came out nice...), I cut a long shirt sleeves and made it prettier, and the sleeves as gloves with out hands to hide those ugly scars, and also I shortened the sleeves of a Beyonce shirt.
I wonder what to do with others.
I have one in some neon peach color.
I hate it.
I don't wear the pink section, just don't.
I'm cool with red.
Handling yellow.
Avoiding orange.
Admiring green.
Amazed by turquoise.
Stunned by black.
I love those colors.
Blacks, blues, greens.

So, the made up account but the famous Yali, that now scared from me.
Well the profile has shut down.
Oh oh,
What's that?
Dvash have photos of everything that been said?
Well, when she'll come to the police and they need evidences, I'll own them.
Look who has ruined this life who used to be innocence, and now to have the sweetest revenge, to shoot her mask, to tear apart her presentation, me the one and only devil.

If she'd write a blog, she'll make it look like that what she'd done is nothing comparing to what I'll do to her.
Oh, well, it's kinda true.
For the huge throat choker, heart stopper, the thing that make perfect lives bleed and tear apart she did to me, the thing will not be even for what I'll do to her, Oh, she wished it'll be.
Now I'll make sure that her year will be worse then mine (let's make people suffer, but after all she aren't a human, human are respectful, although they can be dicks, they have a little sense, you can see fear in their eyes, but I stopped to see with my eyes, I'm blind from anger and power.).
She'll wish to die, she'll beg to her heart to stop beating.
But no.
She won't get it off so easily.

Well, iTunes is creeping me out.
It picked the right song.
It's Not a Fashion Statement, It's a Deathwish.
And with the starting lyrics.

For what you did to me,
and what I'll do to you,

I'm insane, you can see the fire in me, the heat in the blood, the ice melting in those heart scars, you can feel the energy that try to break the walls of politeness, try to make her feel like a ghost of someone that nobody miss.

I'm the devil in a teenage mask.
Good luck at shutting the rapture, the river of darkness.
Not darkness as the bad thing as people mostly think.
It's just the shading, because the river is full with things so you can only see the shading.
Oh, I know exactly how pain feels, I can easily cause it perfectly to others.

You can be fooled from me.
The charming little girl.
She have something in her.
And she stopped blaming herself.
It means, friends are safe, enemies are doomed.

Imagine Fay from The Secret Circle.
When she's angry, very angry.
Imagine what can she do to you.
But no one I get his mind will satisfied by death.
They'll want much more
.They'll want to see them beg to stop, to make this pain go away.
But no, now there's a victim to take care of.


I have one.
Now it's afraid from me, went to get alone with another girl who's afraid from me.
And now I'm better then ever.
Gal got back to my side (and maybe she'll take a step from the other class.).
Gal is betrayed.
My friends know exactly how to treat her.
They used to be like me, get victimized.
And my friends who doesn't know they're are here for me, they know exactly what she caused.
Killed me.
But then, I got back alive.
And what doesn't kill you make you stronger.
But what does, make you as twice.
And look who's back.
Ms. confidence.
Filled with smartness.
But smart of all kinds.
The one of math and things.
The one of trivia.
And the most important.
Social ones.
I know exactly types.
And I know how to make them the thing called "MISERY".
I'm here to do my job.
Defeat the enemies.
The competing demons.
And I'll win.

Those pretty shell, is here to get played with a heart of icy blue.
And I'm here to tempt to people to believe, to fool everyone who will think differently.
Maybe you'll cal it a holocaust, but I see it as the sweetest revenge.


There's a saying says (in teenager posts or something):
When a friend asks you to hear a song, it's because hey lyrics it's what they want to say to you.
Well my songs are a Little more sharp.
Dedicated to Yali:

I wanna see you choke on your lies
Swallow up your greed
Suffer all alone in your misery

I'm an awful bitch.

Let's kill everything sweet or cute and then watch the fire bathe them.

Or maybe not.

I won't burn japneese fashion, I just love them too much.

For our original finish,

For tommorows sin, make Yali apologize in our class, Like she didn't done at Sunday,

Tommorow it's time to re-revenge.

Berries, survivors,

I hope you'll make it.

Oh joy, sweet loving, warming, joy.
I haven't exprienced this much since a long time.
Such a warm feeling.
I feel amazing.
And it means something.
From here, the next sound I'll hear is another shatter, or like one of the lines of a song of linkin park,

Now let me show you 

Exactly how the breaking point sound

Well, this is the next stage.
Believe me this "brand new" feeling, is about to disappear, and the depression girl will be back.
Happy times stays the shortest as possible.

Today, like every Monday, I went to the psycholgist, Keren.
And I've told everything.
She mostly want that we do stuff, most of it it's arts.
I have a problem with drawing when other look.
Judgemental.
I am judgemental too, but I won't complain.
I hate when people assume I'm goth.
I'm just wasn't happy.
Now I am.


It's funny to see her expression when I say everything.
She wonder what the hell happening in my society...
But hey, if I wasn't black, I wouldn't own the same prespective, not even close.
But from it I was smart, and had a lot of guy friend, I read books, that actually speaks to me, the ones I just enjoy because they're like underground, I don't have to talk about others, I keep my mind for myself.
And you.


Like I don't like how my smaller sister draw, but I like anime and chibi and alike, we have different artistic types.
It shown in music.
My sister like the popular pop music, espically GaGa, and now thrift shop.
I like rock, the one I found at the last minutes, and start hearing them because I remember that once someone talked about it.
Like in Black Veil Brides, there were an arcticle, and the first time I've heard it I was like "what's wrong with you?" and now I love the music.
With My Chemical Romance, I played a lot of taptap revenge 4 and it was one of the basics so I played a lot with it, then after I've heard a little BVB, in the suggestion box on youtube, they showd so I put on "Teenagers", then after a week or two, they were popping out of cake (alost cried laughing) in some sweet 16 party, and I said to my sister "I KNOW THIS SONG!" so I checked it later and then I played again in the "Sing" from taptap.
And with 30 Seconds To Mars, suggested, picked, done.
And with Linkin Park, heard of it before, tried, loved, done.

I wonder if one day she'll like this kind of music.
Hopefuly she won't.
Who needs my sister like me?
Like I havn't done enough....


Since yesterday I wanted to tell you it.
Yesterday after my second shower (I got waxed between).
While I scrubbed away the sticky leftovers, something in me wanted to drink to soap.
Of course I havn't done it (after all, I'm alive).
But it was so weird.
Like part of me, tried to make me die.
Try to make my heart stop beting.
My liops and tongue, oh, my mouth wanted to take a sip, to drink the poison.
My eyes, the brown color changing holes, couldn't help but open widly and wildly.
My nose, smelled all the risks.
But my heart, oh, the beating muscle, pounded in, like convincing my arms to stop.
And I'm alive, I can't stop thinking about it.
My only hope is you.
It was so weird.


I don't know if you know but there's a saying

"You know you're in love, when you can't fall asleep because life is finally better then dreams"

I believe it goes backwards the same.
"You know you're in your worst, when you can't fall asleep because life is finally worst then nightmares"
Works for me.
Actually, worked for me.

Where it is?
Where are you hiding it?
Where is the lightining?
The electric shot that will tear me down.
And where's the thunder?
To completly rebreak me.


Why can't I enjoy from my happines?
Finally, after I wished to get it.
I'm not satisfied.
Why is it so?

Where is the will to live?
Seriosuly, I lived (few days ago) only for the believement that it'll get better.
And now it is.
And I'm not happy.
At least not as much as I supposed to be.
Something weird happening.
I can feel it in my guts.
The same guts that wanted me dead.

I'm not sure what I am anymore.
I'm not sure for what I'm living for.
I'm not sure what kep me away from the poison.
At least, this will hopefuly, keppt as a secret.

For now, it's just a song I like,

Stopped being something I'm believing in.

My life is like a bomb.
Ticking.
Fooling that every minute it'll explode.
The irony.
I live in a country where an bombing like that've in Boston is pretty much everyday thing.
Or used to.

Tomorrow I'm going to Tel-Aviv with my mom, hopefuly get gym clothes that isn't leggings.
I have 2, but 2 won't help for 6 days a week and more.
Swearing that next year will be better.
But better it's not what I want.
I got used to this sadness.
Addicted to depression.
Like in the stupid song that now I understand more then I used to,
I got addicted to a certain kind of sadness.
And this is because I'm easily addicted.
This was my past, and iw will be my future.
Maybe one day I'll drink a little poison.
Then make it a drink.
Stupid, foolish me.


Just a happy song.
I like it, it''s perfect for a fun day with best friends.
A pool party.
Or a field trip.
Or just a soundtraack for fun moments.

All I can be is a Jewish idiot...
I mean..
Every other jew.
We are all extremly smartasses that smart only for being asses.


Berries, survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

The kingdom falling part 2

The kingdom has crushed.
And if Yali will come tomorrow to school, the kingdom will fall on her.
Apparently, people worried that Yali will suicide.
WHAT?
She is the pity one?
Tell me where the sense you've got, somehow I don't see how she is so "sorry" and how I should to forgive her.
Please, tell me that something.
If I hadn't killed myself when I suffered for longer time and harder, why would this bitch will?
Maybe it's the strength I've earned from everything I've passed through.

It's weird.
And because I don't have another way to explain it, my day was like this.

When school started we had the dancing, and most of time I had to think about what I'll say.
I had this line in my mind, "I'm not sure if I should cry or laugh, to laugh because the girl who ruined my life paying for it, or to cry, because she was supposed to be my friend."
After the dancing I always had those thoughts running, and made up another story for zombieboy.

Eventually, at the last school hour, it came, we came first to the other class, it was weird to see them.
To show my weakness to them.
The principal and the concealer was with us.
They had a lot of questions.
"Why did you opened it?"
"Wait, who?"
"Do you think you'll get to be back together?"
I didn't, Yali did.
Yali.
No. Never.

then we walked to our class.
Yali started to whine, that she can't go there.
And I said what I really think, "I didn't got benefits, so you won't get benefits!!".

She ran to the bathroom.
To cry.

Then we talked again.

And the talking guide started like this:
From one of the Y's he started crying, it happened to him too, and it was so touching, see him, looking that happy boy isn't so different.
Gal and Addi came to hug me, it meant a lot,
And then another one of the Y's came and told me he suffer something alike too.

I came to the car, and went home.


Now I have another news,
I went to the store and I got 7 gemstones, exactly what I needed.
And a little time after I got home, Maya gave me something.
Candies, and a note.
The note said:

"Dvash, I know you having tough times now, but I want you to know that I'm here for you, from, Maya"

And then I stood, thinking I know who is my real best friend.
Not the ones I'm trying to reach.
She is what I needed.
Here is the real butterfly guardian.
But now, there's no slices that butterfly will keep.
It's her to give me a shoulder to cry on, a friend to laugh with.
A someone.


Today I've told to Maya G and Addi the secret.



Today I was a mad person.
Now I just need to count the days till the year is over.
Then I'll have a summer of fun.
Not as it could be months before, but, better.
Nothing to hide.
I'm open like those whores legs in few months from here, I trust them to open those quick.
They seriously a recipe to disaster.


And now, I see it.
These to Y's and I are showing that it's common.
Imagine the thousands with it.
Those serious battle scars.
Fighting to stay alive, to defeat the will to die.

I know why she want to die.
Oh, I really do.
To face all the shame, it's nothing.
She is a bully.
For life.

I'm not saying I'm innocence.
But I know to stop.
And see the thick line between "funny" to "life ruin".



I'm still happy.
You see, those masks finally payed off.
I believe finally.
I can't believe I'm saying it, but I'm complete.
My body is beautiful, my hair is beautiful, I'm clean of secrets.
I'm finally free.
Isn't it magical?
Heavenly.
I've got my ticket to heaven.
I've saved myself from doom.

No wonder why people jealous...
Being complete, being free, being happy, is quite rare.
And when someone have it, daily.
It can annoy others easily.


So guys, goodbye.
Life has started with a cry, don't let it finish the same.


Berries, survivors,
I hope you'll make it.