He's and She's important.

I see...
We got to three thousand and five hundred views...
I am not as happy as I used to be about it...
All it means that there are other people like me in this unfortunate state of this horrifying cycle.
And that the other people find interest in my life.
My life is uninteresting, all I do is sit, moving from a place to place, while I my soft black curls rest on my neck, or that they are packed nicely in an odd bun or ponytail.
I draw from time to time, but have to hide it, because I don't want others to know what I think about... I don't know about you, but this one put a smile on my face.
Back to being serious, I'd hate them to do it, everything that they'll do about it, won't benefit me.
If they'll tell others about what I do... Then fuck. Or that they'll tell others how "beautiful" my art is, or that they'll tell others to read what I wrote, or even worse! Yesterday, around at ten pm, I started panicking, because I forgot my "illustrated" shopping list.
The shopping list includes normal things that you buy in Tel Aviv, and things that I'm not even sure that would be sold to a person my age.

Razors, specific box cutters, trapezoid, beautiful and long.
Professional sharp scissors, it'll make sense thanks to my odd hair.
Gauze pads, of course.
Tape, but not just tape, the medical tape, super strong and thick in comparison to the regular tape I use, my dad used to have it, he probably got it from the IDF, because they surely looked like millitary medical supply!
CDs, that store that my dad told me about, I need to get from there.
Oh, I forgot this one in the list, but I need to get a patch with "US ARMY" for Guy, he really liked mine [that I removed] so I told him that if he wants one I can get him one, he agreed.
I also wanted a couple of sketchbooks, because I hate taking these trips to Tel Aviv sometimes.
And Sakura Koi, of course!
I had more but I probably forgot.


I'm not sure if I'm going to eat today, from some reason, I don't want to eat anything!
I'm just like, okay, you're hungry, but food isn't very appealing, does it?
And it makes perfect sense, those meals look like something I won't eat if I had the option.
I really feel pathetic about it sometimes, that I don't eat like I should...
Oh well, Yom Kippur is coming, maybe it would reset my system.
Maybe I'd go back to my old-new way.
But it's harder thanks to the new schedule.



I'm back from dinner with the pals.
Sadly, they invite outsiders who are highly unacceptable in our groups.
They lack the spirit, humour, and most of all, the respect!
I hate one utterly, he's nothing like even the new okay dudes.
He's one of the geeks that get the rather awful "Go kill yourself" for a damn reason.
No tact, no sense of humour, hell, he has now fucking idea about what it means to be a Cabarian, or a Hashtagger.


Anyway, I've cut today again, after shower. it feels so fucking good, and this time, I didn't get dizzy from the blood that stayed on the razor... I washed it, I better clean my weapons.


New photos, I keep them all under "Evidence", exactly where I have images of other cuts, and of things I said goodbye to [but didn't help, I still miss those people] and pictures of... that damn facebook account.

Here you go.

 I know it looks odd, these cuts barely bleed, right?
Wrong, it bled more just before I bandaged it.
It's the bottom picture, I really like the caption.
I owe you an explanation.

Why the fuck do I upload these things, right?
It's my blog, my expressive tool that helps me go though many thing.
I partly use it for photos, and I did it multiple times.
I feel like it's even more realistic, you see me and what I go, exactly through my eyes.

Fuck, Omri repeats his plan in my ears.

This dude has no idea what he means to me.
It's driving me crazy, some people don't know how much they mean to another.
It's so fucking sad, and you can't even put a bit of logic in their minds, they are too locked up, and as much as you understand, you are helpless in front of them, and you want to cry, because the person you love and care about, decides that his life has no worth.

It's so fucking awful...
His life is so important, and he has no fucking idea.
He won't ever understand how much he's important... Will he?

Bandaging Level :
We can tell that your father's a paramedic

I need to post more, but it's bedtime.
I need to remind myself to write about Yael.

She's afraid that I'll get better than her, she thinks I'm good at every sport.
She's sure that I'd be the one who will top her, and because she thinks that she's not good enough, she'll be kicked out of the class.
She's so wrong, that it's tragic.
This lovely girl, having everything just a bit away from her, is amazing when it comes to everything.
She's great.
She's beautiful, energetic, honest, funny, athletic, and I truly feel like this list is a stain on her true self, she is much more than this.
Much more.


BY THE WAY, AILAIL FAKED THE SEPTUM, I HAD A FEELING THAT IT'S FAKE BECAUSE WHO THE FUCK GETS A HOOP FOR A SEPTUM?
We're going to get ours at sixteen anyway.


Good night.

Cuts images.

I noticed just today that the Fearless Vampire Killers madee a new song.

I didn't even get a notification like I usually get.

I did get for Matthew Santoro's new video... Oh well, at least I found it.

Okay, I just took a shower and I wanted to cut again, even though that I didn't really felt a down in my mood, but I just did it anyway,  I don't really know why, it's odd... Back to what I wanted to say, near the end of the session [which was very short and pathetic, but I managed to do something I've never done before, and it's cutting over a cut (not crossing it, but actually on the small scratch that I bother to call a cut)] I felt nauseous...

I know I'm a bit squeamish, but I thought it was only with other's blood and wounds!

It was really weird, I started getting sweaty, my head was heavy, I felt like I'm about to faint!

And the "cuts" aren't even deep, so I'm starting to worry about my plan to get box cutters and bigger and sharper razors!

Oh well, it will be awkward.

I'm going to give you a link for the pictured ones, even the funnier ones, because...

Wait, fuck it, this blog is triggering anyway.

I'm sorry that the images are corrupted, the post writing and view is very different!

The one up, near the papers with the tape are the recent one, the top cut is repeated and the lower isn't.

The photo of the razor is after I cut on the same place, and the razor had blood on it.

Oh, I got so squeamish that I had to drink some water to ease myself.

Okay, it's just like the old times, just a bit less of that half-fake "Oh, I'm so depressed" thing, and a bit more anxiety, well... Not a bit.

What else I got...?
A safer net of friends?
Now I know what gets to me too, which is disappointing others.

After a couple of hours, I sense a down in my moods.

I also have a worse time when it comes to school, because it really sucks to switch my main personality to another one that is my presentable one.

Sorry that it ends so abruptly,  I have to go to sleep.

And by the way, I forgot how amazing Thousand Foot Krutch is!

Ailail's cool.

Last night I slept only six and a half hours.
I was to busy with my odd cry to sleep, and instead of nine thirty, it was midnight.
After yesterday's shower I couldn't wait, I had to try and use the scissors.
I discovered that I should stick to simple razors.
Fuck, it really was awful, I'm glad it's over... Even though it's not really over yet.
I got school today, and all I want to do only by the thought is to stop breathing.
I got these periods where I have to distract myself, but afraid that somebody would look at it, I got these people that I need to show them that I'm alright because if I don't, they drive me crazy until I smile at them.
I hate my social life.
Why can't I just be normal and avoid any social interaction? Why?
Oh, I know why... I'm weak, pathetic, a coward.

Why can't I just get up, stop fearing, and finally put it all to an end.
Whether it's solving my problem or leaving it to be.
I just wish it could've end, but no... It won't as long as I'm just crying over her instead of going to visit her.

My stomach is in some weird pain, I don't know what happened, but it hurts a bit.
I want to stop with it.

Maybe when I'll dress up I'd cut myself again, I planned cutting it into a shape... At least it'd look prettier than my ugly light and thin scars.
I planned on a cat or a bunny.
I know, how pathetic! You cut yourself in shapes! What an attention whore... Which I assume that you're pretty correct about it.
I'd be an attention whore anyway, sometimes I hope that somebody will see the cuts and understand that there's an unsolved issue and help me to fix it, but once again, I'm too scared.

I really want to go today and see her.
I really do.
I wish I could also pick up some courage and actually be happy with her again.


Too bad that all of my wishes and these thoughts won't come true.
I'm too much of a coward.



I did it.

It was quite odd. 

After cutting I had to soak up the blood. I had a  roll so it worked... Kind of. 

And it didn't really stopped to bleed so I had to bandage it. 

It's after all the only thing to do at such cases. 

I tried twice to put a couple of squares on it [it was just at the size to cover them up]  and then tape it. 

I failed due the fact that it's too big and everybody will notice it. 

So, a brilliant idea rose up from my head, and I simply applied tape over the cuts. 

It helped for quite a while, but now I think that it doesn't help, because I got dark [and maybe wet?] lines around that area. 

I assume I'd go later to the toilet to figure it out. 

I need bigger razors. 

Mine are so small that I can't actually cut with them as deep and as painful as I wish them to be. 

I'm probably going to spread some of the anti-acne cream over the scars, it burns when you put it on regular skin, but it feels like heaven on wounds. 

It also helps healing sometimes, which u can only tell by the fact that the small scratches on my firsts, I put it to them and now I can't feel anything there. 

I'm starting to see my scars, you know?

I probably haven't mentioned it before, but I do see the scars, and to be honest, I don't feel much about it.  

I mean, I'm not sad, nor happy...

It's just there, it's normal for me. 

I finished school.

I was a bit down at the beginning, worrying that it'll bleed again or that somebody will notice.

But as time passed, you can guess what happened?

I was happy.

I really want to do it again! And again, and again, and again.

I'm even smiling when I speak about it or about other "issues" just like my revenge on Yali.

I'm crooked and I feel it fades away, so... You know what we have to do!

Wait a bit and return to this holy way of life.

Oh, I also have in my backpack the tape I used and the toilet paper I used for soaking my blood.

Life is lovely when you can return to one of the things that makes you happy... I don't understand how I stayed sane during these times without it!

It'd be quite amusing if Keren would notice my improvement and tell me that I'm good to go without being there ever again!

I wish I could have been just sent free and to enjoy what it gives me.

Sadly, people think it's bad.

It's not like I have these huge gaping wounds, a millimeter away from an artery.

I'm making it sound like nothing so I won't have to deal with the fact that it may just be a bit of dangerous at the future.

I'm going to a practise.

I'm back, I was rather happy, but at the end, I felt like a disappointment, because of Irena's words.

"Dvash, you're a strong girl, you can do it without mid-jumps."
For me it can also be translated "you dissapointing weakling, you're a complete waste of times and you're going to fail."

The funny thing is that when I hear these things, I don't even feel hateful or angry about the person.

They are after all saying the truth.

I think I just might cut myself at the shower.

I'm planning on going deeper.

Ailail got a fucking septum.

A FUCKING SEPTUM.

I'm very jealous you know.

But I guess it'll be worth it even more when I'd reach sixteen, able to actually get one legally.

Or maybe I can get at fourteen...

Nope, sixteen.

Oh, fuck, I guess I'd wait.

I mean, it's not that bad, I got less than three years, only two years and a bit less than five months!

Yippie.

I really like Fiddler's Green and Alestorm and Powerwolf.

I don't know how I got there, probably from Fiddler's Green that I got from other Irish and Celtic folk songs.

I fucking love speedfolk.

Why is it so cool?

And there are so many German comments. [The band is German, so it's quite normal.] 

Fight.

I have this thought now...
What if all of my teacher's sudden more welcoming and hopeful for me are because of that somebody talked to them?
I don't care how unlikely it is to actually occur, but I can't stop thinking about it!
I have no whatsoever skill or talent when it comes to exercising, and I just got in by accident.
Sometimes I think that I was better without the food, and sometimes I think I'm going to be better this year, so when having these two to think about.... It really doesn't matter anyway.
I'm still a cruel person who hurts everyone.

I can't put my mind away from what Gal R said to another girl.
[I'm bothering with Gal R's name just because she is quite odd and beautiful and a "thinspo" but more of an idolised person]
In one math lesson, she bluntly said "M., your voice is really annoying, you know?"
M. because I won't bother with driving you crazy with the amount of Maya's I have met.
And the most hurtful thing in my opinion, is because she said it like it's a matter of fact.
Theses things have the deepest meanings.
I don't know what I would do if I were her.
It won't be the first time that I hear that my voice is again, so it'll just cut deeper and I'd miss Gal once again.
I might also whisper and remain silent most of the time as well, only so I won't hurt the ears of my loved ones.

And now, I feel like everybody feels sorry for me and that's the only reason behind why I'm being rather well, and only the ones who don't feel sorry are saying the cold and crushing truth.
"Eating all day long..."




Earlier today, I was asked to give the link for the Latin playlist that Youtube offers, and I failed to do so because of the simple reason that on my Google account, I'm from Great Britain [tired of the Israeli bullshit] but I managed to find classical rock.
One of the first options were 2CELLOS.
They are fucking awesome.
I'm actually watching now the full concert in Arena Pula.


Oh, there was a pain level question, mostly about piercings and alike.
I also mentioned that I also think that blood tests are going to hurt a lot, but in the end I just enjoy them and I can't wait until the next one.

Seriously, I do enjoy these.

Maybe it's after that one time that I read that one cup of blood is over four hundred calories, and then it made me think.... If blood is that high calorie... Then I'm losing calories by the blood tests? and remaking them is burning more!



Ok, there are so many "artists" in stips that it makes me feel like I'm in the middle of a hipster coffee shop in Tel Aviv.
And by artists I mean story writers without any idea of what punctuation means, and have no clue about how important suspension is important in rather horror stories, and gothic tales.
And there are the oh-so poetic ones who shock me with the fact that their Hebrew [their native language!] is more broken than what I used to write. And as you remember, I can't write poems.
And of course there are the painters, most of them are or messed up and quite lame, and others are attempting to the realistic even though that it's really repetitive and has nothing unique or some art style.
Cover makers are there as well.
And the is also that annoying attention seeking Videostar maker that I absolutely despise.


I'm listening to Yindy's by Fiddler's Green.
I discovered them last night, they are quite cool.


Fuck, my mother now forces me to sleep at nine thirty.
That's quite awful, I won't be able to sleep and all I'd do is think about the bad things, and then I'd wake up early in the mornings.
She thinks that I refuse to go to school is because of that I'm tired.
Hell, I'm everything but tired.
I don't want to go there because I hate myself, because I can't do anything there but pass the time and lie.
At least at home I can be me, whoever that I am, but at least I don't have to fucking fake and feel fake.
I feel disgusted by myself at times.
I just want to go back in time and have that balance.
But no, I have to drag myself everyday to school and just get unplugged from the world, and just float in my mind.

I suffer there to some extant, sure.
But school is better than staying in a place that makes me want to cut my throat, slightly hoping that I'll die, and if not - put in a place far from here.

I would love to be sent into some odd boarding school.
Sounds lovely.
Too bad that it just sounds so.


I wish I could stop this hell, these awful panic attacks, and the fear or reexperiencing one and that it'll ruin me, because it does.

I have the biscuit wrappers from my last binge, and my sister, brother, and mother [and she hurt me the most] commented on it.
Like it isn't hard enough to deal with myself and my pathetic behaviour.

I just want to fall back to the extremely safe net that self harm offers.
And maybe... I will.
I mean, I broke my past promise with self harm anyway, so to hell with it, right?

I want to go there again.
How lovely it would be, and how lively I would feel.


I'm going to take a shower.


Hopefully, I won't fall for binges.

And you know what's funny, when I eat a lot, my mother would commit these horrible things, but when I barely eat, she acts out and makes me want to hurt her and me and never leave my room again [a bit overdramatic and sylvia-like, I know].
I don't have that really healthy relationship with food.
I highly doubt that I'd ever have it, but fuck.

This year is not the happy year.
This year I'm going to fight.

Movies

Okay, I broke my phone [accidentally of course.] and it fell on it's back, with it's cover, but the front got broken.
My phone denies simple logic and has to just do the unfair things.

I'm watching Sala Samobojcow, I don't really know why, it was opened in an untouched tab, so why not?
Maybe after lunch [and after Sala Samobojcow] I'd watch The Killing Room.
It seems really interesting and a bit like experiment-psychological creepypastas.
It's about a couple of people, in a room, for an experiment, and they find out that only one or none is coming out alive.
Now, that would be interesting.
This type of movies doesn't have to have brutal and gore deaths in them if they are made well.
Oh, I should check up on the rating later and agree or disagree.
Just like I did after watching Into The Storm.

Oh, why wait?
I'm going to watch The Killing Room and eat.


Okay, The Killing Room is amazing, Pandorum is amazing, Disturbia is great as well.
I was in the middle of watching another thing, but I got tired so I rested on the beanbag, I don't remember what I watched.


I'm going to listen to some music and Sim a bit and chill, I need to draw a certain character that I thought about.

I was trying using Sai with a mouse.
It's hard, but it's not as bad as it used to be.
The face looks alright, but the clothing is just messed up.
The hair isn't that bad [which is a huge improvement!] and the horns look fucked up.
I really need a tablet soon.


I want a hug.
It's probably just one of my nightly moods.
It's nothing important, but I'll just go with it, let's get over with it already.

I want to cut again, I miss it...
Or maybe I miss the times, where at least my mood was rather stable, which was Gal = Happy, at other times = a bit blue.
Now, it's a fucking hell that goes from extreme happiness and adrenaline, to a typical semi-depressed teenager.
It's not fair.
Seriously, how do I fix it?
That's was quite a dumb question to ask.... We all know the answer.

Omri is still a danger to himself...
And I'm still being triggered but with enough self control to not do something I'd dearly regret about doing.
I can't allow myself to go to such places anymore. No privacy, check ups, no technology...
I feel like I need to purge.

I need to be alright again.
It destroys me... The fact that I'm still without her.
I'm afraid that I might never forget her.
I think about her everyday.

And these songs don't help.
They just make me feel worse about myself.
I almost started crying... Fuck.

It's awful.
I need to see her.

For now, I dye my shirt with permanent red marker and breath the chemicals.
It smells funny.
And it's cool, almost like a light peppermint gum.
Great, now I'm red everywhere.
Maybe I should try typex.

I feel my bones.
Feeling them makes me feel okay.
I don't know exactly why, perhaps it's something to do with last year, the corrupted but partly successful year of My Pro Ana.


I don't understand why now to cut my....
Oh, wait, I do.... Never mind that.

I guess that I'm going to repeat it all again.
Such ugly cycle, isn't it?

Oh well, let's get back to the delights that not eating has to offer.
I don't feel like I'm even real without these things.
It's probably a fuck up I've obtained in these sickening years that I call puberty.


Good night fellas.
I might try tomorrow to learn "P Stands for Paddy I Suppose" on my guitar, and maybe other things.
Maybe  I'd go crazy and pick up some weird biblical... NO!
I know.
For the singing-like reading of the bible, we need to add music to eat!
Because choreography isn't an option as it may be considered blasphemous.
It would fit perfectly, we can actually add culture fitting instruments as well, Jews that go by the XYZ when it comes to bible will use ABC and so on.

Oh well...
If not for my brains or the fact that I go to that sports class [basically, the titles that give an impression], I'd probably be stuck in the decorating committee, and since that there are no fundings [all the money goes to ridiculously overhigh pensions], I have my options for the guys from the military band, balloons, and pens.
Oh, and food.
We have food.

I think I gave up about these [titles], oh well.

It's early...
At least for a morning of a holiday.
It's seven thirty.

I don't want to go there.
Why would I anyway if all that awaits me there is people making fun of me, mocking me, hurting me, disrespecting me?
I just know that it won't end well.

I need to take a shower, but I don't think I'm in a proper mood to wash away all the filth.
Maybe I need more time for self-pitying or loathing [it's really hard to tell with these specific things].
Last night it was odd... Funny sort of odd.... Too bad I didn't find it amusing when it happened.
I was turning and tossing endlessly, in between I pressed my head on the wall [I'm not sure why I do it, I'm basically trying to bury my head in the wall.] and said a bunch of things that just make me feel shitty, I knew that self harm could've solved it, but I don't want it to interrupt when I'm not wearing trousers [the past three days were like this] and just bothering with an XL shirt from Newyroker, the actual making brand of this one is FSBN but Newyorker sells all kinds, I know they sell Smog too, which is pretty cool.
Anyway, it's a FSBN shirt with a face of a girl wearing a bandana from her nose and down, and it has "BULLS#IT" on it.
It's mostly black on the background, but the print is some sort of a faint sepia.

I'm going to sim.
Hopefully this day will go on for the better.
And it's unfair of hamas, all summer long you shoot your missiles and rockets, but now, when I need a good reason for why not, you don't?



Fuck, I want to eat breakfast, but it just depresses me and makes me lose my almost-dead appetite.


Around thirty minutes passed and I still want to eat.

Why did he have to trigger me... Why?




I ate and showered.
I'm tired now.
And  I am just dreading the time of when we go there.
They were so mean and I have no doubt that if I'd return, they'll hurt me again...





I was there.
At least it was only at my great-grandmother's place, at my great-grandfather's place the awful children and teenagers stay.



Okay, I just chatted with Omri.
I asked him why won't he just try therapy, he said it's weird, and I told him that plenty go there, including me, my friends, my family, my teachers and many more.
He got hooked on the fact that I'm going too, and he asked me why.
I told him that it's because of my self harm "issues".
He said that he's way worse.
Boom. 
I just couldn't handle it.
It was enough with everything that's going on.
Everybody there hates me.
People enjoy tricking me into a world where there's the slight possibility that somebody genuinely likes me.
I hurt everyone.
I was supposed to die.
They said that I'm terrible.
Triggered.
Now, I feel like that cutting would be great to return me to my mood.

I hate this feeling.
Once again, it doesn't really matter if I breath or not... Right?



Okay, maybe I should stop talking with tactless strangers and continue with my old habit of talking with tactless friends and friends who wave no idea what every word they say makes you feel.

I drew earlier, when I waited for things ["things" is actually my computer and what it holds] to work properly, I really like the girl that walks on the line.
I just drew all kinds of characters, and I really like this one, I'm probably going to repaint it when I'll get a functioning graphic tablet....
Oh well, it's not the end of the world.
By the way, I was watching the live performance of Necromania, and got reminded of the fact that in Israel, we don't have these things.
Usually, there is an army of arses and hoes trying to get laid [It's sad, they usually have no idea who's performing, even though that it's really popular all over the western world.] a bunch of hipsters, fans, and oldies.
The oldies are just insanely fond with everything about this thing.
Oh, the one on the right is because I really wanted something with floating hands and bows, so, that's it.
I'm going to draw a thing that my sister made in FaceQ and I asked her to send it to me, because, pink hair and Christianity is great.




I want an unhealthy snack, but we have nothing that tastes well enough to actually consume.
I really want a graphic tablet, there are so many things to do that requires it!
And I really want to start when I'm inspired by the colouring and shading of Ko-Yamii, and the style of Rawdi Kun, and of Fukari.


Oh well.

[Hashana]

Unsurprisingly, they have done it.
Cancelled.
Oh well, it's not that I'm even disappointed.
I anyway needed just a couple of sketchbooks. [I really want to make something that for sure will take over an A5 page, so I need an A4 page.]

I don't want to feel disappointment, or make everyone feel like they are one.
It's probably one of the only things that crush me.
I got my test yesterday, I got 73, it was a bit painful, but I knew before that I was wrong about the things, there was a question that I accidently divided it in two from the beginning, another one was really long and I probably forgot in that mess to put something [in the end it was that I forgot to mention that the triangle's angles together are 180 degrees], and I have this really awful issue with pluses and minuses.
I'm pretty good at math, because I'm a fast learner [I'm pretty fast at reading too, or my thoughts are too quick to match up, and then some words get corrupted, because I don't have enough time to think and speak, maybe that's why I sound fake a lot of times, because I'm too scared that I'd mess up in front of people that I feel like I need to impress, so I preplan it] but I still mess up these two.

I discovered that Pitaya is really good as a natural laxative.
 Really good.
It was painful and took plenty of my time, but at least I'm rather empty now.

I feel a bit bored.
It's probably because I pretty much planned this day to be something else, I'm going to sim as always and just hope for it to work.

I opened Ebay, and typed "Stomachaches" [an album] and I was more than shocked to see the price.
Dollar.
AND IT GOT THREE DAYS LEFT.


I don't think it's even legal to make a person feel this way.


Oh, there was a catch, the shipping is thirty dollars.

My dad suggested that I'd go to a store in Tel Aviv.
The place is quite old, my dad used to go there.
I won't be surprised if all of these CDs I got from him was bought there.


....


I noticed it too a couple of days earlier, but it saddens me a bit anyway.
My grandmother noted that I gained weight, which is true.
My face gained a bit, my grandmother says it looks better, but to be honest, I almost want to cry.
I remember that a couple of weeks ago, I noticed that my cheekbones started having a bit of an outline at the sides, but it's gone.



Okay, I just want to the refrigerator, to get some juice, because I'm getting nauseous from this anti-allergy medication.
And as I came to sip, my brother said "Eating all day long..." a couple of times.
I just put everything back in place, because, fuck the stomachache, I can live with it.
But it's so fucking awful to hear this sentence again...
I used to get this sentence on daily basis at my worst time into my binge eating and my emotional eating.
I feel like the last couple of years, fighting it, trying harder to fall into anorexia, everything... But it was all for nothing.

It was a sentence I used to get from my mother...
It just makes me want to cut and cry my heart out.

And that stomachache spreads now... Fuck.
My chest area....
I really miss Arius.

It's starting to fade now... That's better.

The words still hurt.
My left wrist is aching, which is quite weird, it's supposed to be the right one, yesterday I banged it on one of the posts that held the pole.


It came back.

My jaw hurts.

And my left elbow, but that's because the side bone is lying on a hard material.

I know I should eat to make it go away, but I just feel so weak.
It hurts like hell to feel this way.



My head hurts, it's because of the medication, I'm going to bed, I need some powers for tomorrow, I have to fight against going to this hell where mean children are there just to hurt you.

|Pause between post names|

I hate waking up late-early.
And I really want now to cry, cut, or just fall asleep again.
Sadly, I got school today, so I have to suck it up and go on.
At least I know that in a couple of hours, Rosh Hashana's holiday starts again, four days of silence, and then around six days of studying [and suffering] and then Yom Kippur, and as always, I'd think endlessly about My Pro Ana, but I'd try to read one of the two books that I need to read because we have an assignment.
That's another thing that's annoying about school, you should raise kids who want to read, not force kids to read! If you force them, it's a punishment for them, and quite a bad association.
I like reading, of course I enjoy it, but does it mean that I like reading everything? Or everything you allow? Absolutely no.
If I just waited with these great books I finished around a month or two ago...
But I guess that I'm out of the good books, and all that remains are holocaust themed, or the immigration waves [known also as "Aliyah"], or teen love, combined with some death.
I'd rather to read Michael Grant's books, I would love to read "Gone", just the whole thing seems amazing, and that would be a dystopian without too much awful distractions or actions.




It's six thirty seven pm, about twelve hours after the last paragraph.
Today I'm starting the Rosh Hashana holiday.
Praise the lord, Zeus.
I don't know why I like zeus... Maybe it's his frequent mating with mortals.

I also like some god from Hawaiian mythology, it's beautiful.
It's a tale about a god that fell in love with a mortal, and so he could be with her, he transformed into a farmer, and married her, after years, a great hunger fell on the village, and he couldn't see his family starving any longer, so he told his wife that he can end this but it'd mean that she'd never see him again, she disagreed until her children started to starve, and then he buried himself in the ground, for days over days his wife cried over his body, and from there a plant grew.
It's that breadfruit tale.
Truly lovely.
Why doesn't Judaism have these cool stuff, all we get is incestous rape and a battle between two people, each bringing six males and six females, creating twentyfour warriors, very similar to The Hunger Games, the "capitol" was the two in charge, they came from different rulers, it was pretty odd.
Damn it Judaism, I swear to you, people hate the Jews just because of our uninteresting and unentertaining tales.
WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A HELL.

Wait, but we did have this place, where "sinners" [or simply, not Jews. And don't you dare give me that Jews are so XYZ, because every religion has it!] sacrificed their infants and toddlers, and burnt their corpses.
Yeah! Bible bitches!
Oh, and several people in the Judah kingdom!
That's the nation that I'm supposed or said to be from.
Cool.
That means that if it's accurate enough, then I'm a descendant of baby-killers!
FUCK.
Baby killers!
I understand now all of these things that leaded to pogroms.
And we also use blood for our Matzo.
Just in case that you wondered.

Oh, by the way wonder, I need to check up on the wanderers.
Fuck, I can't find where they called the planets in the solar system as...
Found it.

Oh, and did you know that the Jewish hell is actually just a sinner place that was mentioned in the bible and it's in Jerusalem?
I always hated Jerusalem... Now I know why!
There's a reason why I called it hell.
I feel like I deserve a really huge self high five.
No, a high five round!


I found hell.

My Linkin Park shirt is folded nicely and is lying upside down on my tv.
I'm a mess, in every single way.
Wait... Maybe there's one that I'm not it.

By the way, I just got reminded of math, disappointment, subjects that will matter in life and science... And it instantly turned up to this brochure I got from the Tel Aviv University [being in a gifted program and counted as one in the Education Ministry has benefits], there was "Chemistry" among the options.
And I can give you exactly why Chemistry is very important and why I like it so much and find in interesting.
Synthetic drugs.
Also known as, "Designer Drugs".

I see know from some reason Frank Iero's interview with Zuke Smith.
And a couple of wonderful things came up in my life.
Are there any boys, arriving to the age of thirteen, that go to a vocal trainer [?] for their Bar Mitzvah... uh... reading [?] thing?
I know that while reading the bible, there is a specific form of "singing" it and all of that wonderful thing, so why not? Even though that there are different "singing style" [I don't know how to call it!] for each place, Ashkenazis, Yemenites, Spanish, Ethiopians, and maybe other Easterners [Yemenites are considered as ones] from Arabic cou.... Oh wait, they are from Iraq, they are called Iraqis or Bablis.
The rabbi that died recently and was very important was a babli.
Just like my grandmother from my father's side.
But Yemenites are considered as the ones who kept tradition at it's best form [hair flick] and I assume it's a side effect of a substance abuse.
Gat.
My dad once took it, I missed it but I was informed that for once, in the past thirteen years, he was calm near the children!
My dad returns from the reserve duties with his hair black again.
His hair turns white when he's nervous for a long while.

I still need to grow Gat.
It's quite hard to get the thing when you don't have any to turn to.

I guess that I'm alright, at least it's not something important.
It's just a legal drug.
See it as another herbal medication that nobody considered as a light/hard drug yet.

When an internet friend that you care about [omri, that troublemaker I told you about] cuts himself even though that he has a blood problem that means he could die, and he wants to go to sleep and you're just... Helpless.


I wanted to tell you more about things that happened today.
Really exciting things... Things that make me happy..

He leaves.
I won't be surprised if tomorrow, in the news, another suicide would rise up.

You know... My Chemical Romance's The Ghost Of You [silenced, for the sake of sanity] makes me wonder if in the U.S. Army, do they have a military band?
Oh wait, they do.
I wonder if they have the stigma of our bands.
Resting all day, doing nothing.
Which nothing means less than what the Radio ones are doing.
Oh, and they suffer every once in a while for some event.
Our previous president's birthday or something was celebrated with their singing.
He's too old to care.
And every once in a while, he releases cool viral videos!
This time, his life after his presidence hood, looking for a job.
He was in the employment service, and then he was a gas filler, security guard, a grocery store clerk, and many more that I forgot.
His previous one was for his new facebook account.
It was really catchy.
"Be my friend, for peace.... I wanna [yes, slang] hear you voice..."
I think his granddaughter or something does that with him.

Things

This morning was a hell, but at the end I was sent to school.
I'm assuming that I'm a part of these really weird introvents.
But my "recharge" alert is misery and fear.

I was informed earlier that on this holiday... I'm going to go to the south.
And the fact that the missiles might return is not the frightening part.
The frightening part is that I'd once again see these awful cousins of mine, and to waste a couple of good hours of my time for just sitting and waiting for it to end.

I'm going to try my best to skip it.
These guys are truly and wholy awful.
And you know it already.
They once hurt me so deeply that I just broke down in tears.
And that's as you know... Unacceptable.


Oh, since I'm having a playlist, and Coffin came up, it reminded me that when we were at the cemetery, my friend and I noticed that a body was carried on some stretcher and was covered in black nylon.
I had the combination of interest and I had to stop myself from smiling.
I don't know why I smiled, maybe because I've thought a lot about it since it became a topic in MPA, and always wondered about it.
I still want to take that class that involves anatomy and the dead.

That

I sit at my room.
I stayed in today.
At five I'd leave for the memorial event.

I felt quite depressed to be honest, and I'm not even surprised, I have no whatsoever future, and I'm just wasting money, patience, and time.
I said it before, but I'll repeat it: I was supposed to die long ago.
I have nothing to offer to this world, and the only reason that I'm not taking it into my hands and ending it, is because of that I'm scared.
If I weren't such a scaredy cat.

I'm not sure if I'm going to school tomorrow, why would I want to go anyway? All it brings me is pain anyway.

My mum mentioned that the last time I refused to go to school, was because of the thing with Yali.
She asked if anything is going on, and I said the truth.
"Nothing's going on."
And that's the truth.
Nothing.
Nothing at fucking all.
All I do is nothing, and nothing happens.
I don't even feel much.
So it's actually one big nothing.

I saw a self harm photo..
Somebody is stips wrote "I'm tired [of something] already. What to do?" and linked a photo.
One replied "What is it?"
I said "Thanks for the photo? Why did we need to see it? So I'd relapse into it? It's hard enough now."
And another one said "Cutting won't help at anything it'll just give you scars that'll remind you of how hard it was | Come to PM"

That's the photo : LINK.

Earlier, a bit before I fell asleep, I thought about starting carrying my razors again, and maybe.. You know.. Starting again.
Because nothing else works.

And I'm tired.
Of everything...

Maybe it's nothing and I'd be okay again in no time, maybe not.
But one thing I can presume, that this year won't be the happy year I wanted it to be.

I'm going to sim and forget until it's time to leave.

I feel like nothing now.



I'm back.
I feel a bit less in need of this type of ending, I just want to pause everything because I'm incapable of handling these things.
I wonder what I'd feel tomorrow, it won't really matter if I'd be there or not, and because of my lack of anything.
I care too much, and I'm really afraid to get hurt and hurt others. That's probably what scares me... That I'd hurt somebody.
It's scary, and maybe if I won't be, then I won't have any way to hurt anybody.
I'm going to sim until I'd feel a change, or a decision that's building up.


I was stipsing, because I had to check up, and the same girl, a face model, is complaining that her model sister is taller than her and everybody looks at her first.
I have mixed feelings about it, and it's pretty simple to understand.
From one side, I'm angry, because she's a fucking model, and she's whining about it.
But, I understand, because as much as she'd try, her sister is still better than her.



I am still unsure of my plans, and I wish I could tell you a decisive answer, or at the very least, what am I thinking about, from one side, I feel my stomach being tied [and it might be the new anti-allergy medication, so... Yeah..] but I also feel like I should go tomorrow.
I'm afraid that my mother won't allow it, but all I feel is that I want to cry, but physically unable to.

Gotta move on, right?
Gotta keep fighting...
Fuck, I just hope that nothing would affect my outing on Wednesday, I'd hate to disappoint them.

I should probably open up to somebody, but I know what happens to people who make these mistakes. And it's anything but pleasant.
I just know that even if they promise that they'd be the nicest, the ones who got institutionalised in Abarbanel will say that what they got was more humane.

I just guess that these are the stuff that you're supposed to carry because of how stupid you truly are.

I miss her.. And I miss living.
I'm just going to keep on breathing, because I don't have any other option.
I don't have the guts to commit suicide, or to ease myself from this burden.
I don't have the simplicity of going to school, as I am too scared, feeling like I'm going to be crushed in there, but I don't have the simplicity of just being able to disappear either.


Goodnight lovely people.
I hope it'll be alright.

Are

I still feel down-ish.
Not really surprising.
I know it's all because of puberty, but it's still not very nice.
I still don't want to go to school tomorrow, or ever again.. It just makes me sad.

Anyway, I'm just going to waste the rest of this day in simsing [I got new mods, and now I'm trying to figure out things.]
It's not that bad, because I got Blessing and Disasters, and NRASS and Demonic Powers, and the statue of life, and I also got two vampires and each are immortal [mod] and all I need to geta re sunscreens, or just have the immortal lifetime reward so they won't burn.
Because, admit it, it's used only for killing the vampires you hate.

I feel bored and I'm going to sim, it's a bitch to build and buy when the game crashes at rendering problems, the worst ones are with the roof.



...


Quite a time passed since the last time I used the dots for post breaks...
Anyway, I just feel bad again.
I hope that tomorrow I'd have enough courage to ask if I can stay home.
It makes me want to die when I go there, so yes, I do have a small amount of time [around twenty minutes] where I basically don't feel anything whatsoever, because of the endorphins that I get after riding my bike. [I always put it on the hardest setting, it's better at burning calories and building muscle.]
But other than that, I can't remember anything else, I don't know why.
I fear playing many games, because I might hurt the playmates.
I hate everything else, because I feel like nothing actually matters, even though that it will matter to some extent at the future, but I don't trust teachers to teach well, so I barely bother with listening sometimes!
I have serious issues with history after last year's history.
Do you know how hard it is to try to understand the  Christian hierarchy? We won't have any reason to learn it, so we only had five minutes about it [probably less] and no further explanation.
It's a fucking bitch to understand what are exactly Bishops, Cardinals [so far, it's the most confusing, thanks to The Three Musketeers.] Pope [I understand that he's the highest in it, but why does he exist?] or anything else that they [you?] have to offer.


That image is pretty much gibberish to me, it has no meaning.
I assume that the Diocesan Bishops are.. Priests? No, probably not.
Wait, are they?
This is a lot harder.
In Judaism all we got are Rabbis for each division [Yemenite, Spanish, Ashkenaz, Ethiopian, ...] and that's all, no headaches.
And we maximum got rabbies of different authorities, and we got the religious companies that work with the law, like Kadisha [because burial has to be expensive as fuck!] and the Rabanut [because we just have to marry to a Jewish person with weird fees and humiliating actions!] but it's really simple.
It goes straight forward from priest [Rabbi] to pope [Rabbi of the country], and even then, only sometimes.


I feel like cutting, and crying, and eating, and drawing.
Gladly, I can't.
Cutting, I'm not returning to it soon [or as I think.]
Crying is humiliating, so that would be pretty stupid to do so.
Eating, well, as much as it's a typical me behaviour, I'm not in the proper mood.
Drawing, I already do so, but I really want to return to digital things, I just need a tablet again.


It's getting late, so I'm going to climb up to bed and try to fall asleep, and hopefully, tomorrow I'd be resting, away from stress.
I assume I'd go anyway at the afternoon for the event of the eleven who were murdered in Munich.


Good night.

Unacceptable

I feel shitty, it's probably because of school, it makes feel this way.
All the kids there aren't making me comfortable, and so far, the worst is that I see Yali. Everyday. Near my face. Talking with her super-annoying voice. [Many would disagree, but each time that I hear her voice, I have so much shame and anger in me, and I want to hurt her, ruthlessly, just damage her permanently, so she could have the tiniest bit of idea, of what's going on now, for quite a while, which is painful, it's like I'm carrying Kein's mark on my forehead, inviting others to boo me.]
And walking... With everyone who used to be a very good friend of mine... Leading my new friends to like her... And the worst? Some of them know what she have done.
That's the worst.

There's a question, that I just answered, the question was "If you had to kill yourself, how would you do it?" the nickname is "KillMe" and the person behind it claims that it doesn't want to commit suicide [ we asked him].

My honest answer was deleted, but I'm going to write it here.
"I would be happy to tell you that I would do it in an artistic, special, interesting, or a weird way.
But no, most changes are that I'd cut myself numeral cuts in attractive areas, and a pill cocktail, and then I'd fall asleep, and hope that I won't wake up."

Now the emos and the mentally ill are waking up, around an hour earlier than the attention whores.
I listen to music, and I'm going to talk, because... That's what we do in blogs, aren't we?

I have this feeling that I'm nothing special... Much.
I mean, big deal, gifted, yeah right.
Self harm, obvious attention whore is obvious.
Planning to self harm, the Kaban and you will become friends at eighteen.
Not succeeding in school, a failure to be that will probably commit suicide at twenty four.

I'm sorry guys, I just have nothing, I don't know how or why to prepare for tests, but I got 73 in my last math test, I haven't recieved it yet, I remember that I was wrong at one question for sure, and there were some questions that I wasn't sure about, but... It's just... Disappointing.

Like it wasn't enough that I almost cried last night, everything just had to come crashing down.
I'm going back to my unhealthy binge and emotional eating at the afternoon.
I feel anxiety about going to pretty much... Everywhere.
I constantly think about returning to self harm.
I want to ditch everyday, all day, just to not be this way anymore.
I'd rather get the homework and make it and arrive to school once a week, but just to not return there.

I guess I've had seventeen days too many, and I'm probably unfit for such tasks.
Or not, maybe it's puberty.

If I'd continue with it, I'd ask my mother if I can skip school this day.

I just felt utterly shitty in the last couple of days, and it fucking sucks. Which is nothing out of the ordinary, thanks to plenty of other tweens and teens in the world.



Okay, earlier I thought I was going to cry this night and cut myself.
I know now that I don't.
Crying is unacceptable.

I just wonder... What will happen now? Will I skip school?  Will I go and see Gal? [so far, it's the only thing that I can come up with, that might solve the problem. What problem? I don't know, but I know that she's the answer for the question that I haven't figured out yet!] Will I cut? Will I cry?
All it seems like now, is a big blur, and my emotional overeating and binges.
And that makes me feel awful, both physically and mentally.

Good night guys, I hope that as I presumed, this year would be a happy year.

Wait... It's Friday!
I got time, so why won't we check what I did last year?

I complained about religion, figured out that the white room screamo would never be recognised.
I watched Jennifer's Body.
I said that I want to donate my hair, and I did! So that's good! Right?

Oh! And I updated to iOS 7 at the time!
How weird! Now I got iOS 8, and I know, many people say that it's not recommended for the 4Ss phones to be upgraded, but hell, I'm not going to be left out until iOS 9!

Oh, and the son of Assad with his facebook post!
I wonder now what he has to say about the current situation in the middle east...
Other than that, my post was plain.

I wonder how things could have been, if...

Fuck, fuck, fuck!
I feel a bit... You know... I'll better go watch a movie before it gets worse.

Good night.
I suggest you watch some of the newer Rawdi Kun videos.

And I need to find the story that this artist wrote with her characters, Kohara [and Kuro!] and  Edgar and Cecil are fascinating!
http://ko-yamii.deviantart.com/art/Mama-329621005
That's the link to "Mama" which pretty much gives you the outer information about Kohara, and I love it!
I have plenty of thoughts now, but it'll spoil the amazing work of Ko Yamii, so no.

Best

I've reached the conclusion that it's boredom, irritation, anxiety, and a bit of uncontained energy supplied by adrenaline.

Oh guys, I'm just unable to go through school life.

I wish it was possible to me to go through such shit. 

I got hit by a pencil case on my forehead.


I'm at home.
Resting.
I'm probably going to get a shower.

I hate school, but I'm going to suffer through it once again, I'm going to learn to excel at it, so I could manage doing so at the ninth grade and getting to my high school of choice.



Anyway, I got an hour until I need to go to bed, so I'm good.
Somebody wrote a question that goes like this "I'm 'the painter of the class' as called, I love drawing.. So the thing is that we have financial issues so I thought that instead of buying to my best friend soaps in fifty nis buy canvas in 20 30 and draw her.. It's for her fourteenth birthday.. What do you think?"

My response was "Horrible idea. Really that's an awful idea. There are better things in cheaper price."
Why am I saying it? Artists block, money problems, fuck ups, her rejecting it, endless things dear, endless issues!
Anybody with a sane mind would just rather do something else, to be honest, I'd rather get some candies for my birthday than stupid presents like these.
For my birthday, I want a kilogram of licorice rolls, black and red!
Or maybe 5280 foot by the fruit, which equals a mile of junk food!
It would cost over 15000 nis in the average store,
But, I can also try purchasing directly from the supplier!
Who knows...

I want to be back to my safe place.
I felt a bit blue today.
I assume it's just another hormonal issue that any other teenager may suffer from, after all, I'm about to join them.
I just hope that I'd return to my happiness soon.... Ha! That's quite a weird word for this.


Oh, I almost forgot, another tooth of mine fell.
It was, as always, large.
Anyway, good night.

Friends.

It's six am, I woke up early especially for you.

I missed it, having this blog to put my time into, to have at least one place where it's "safe", where I can actually go to.

Okay, quick random thought, the clip of Helena started, and I started thinking about, where are christians buried in Israel [that's actually a good question], and I know that there's a rather large christian community at the north, near Haifa, at Nazareth [obvious spot name is obvious].
But it's not really helpful, because they won't be buried in Jewish cemeteries, even not just outside of them.

Outside of them are usually the Jews who committed suicide and Kadisha [burial Jewish company, really expensive] found out.

That's also why the suicide rates in Israel are so fucking inaccurate, there's a large percent of people that their family wanted them to be buried like everybody else, inside the cemetery.

Oh, I'm probably going to look out the whole event.
I'm going as a part of a sport class duty to honour the eleven people who died in Munich.

Because, it's a friendly reminder that if you're an athlete and from Israel, you can die! Sorry, it's true, but seriously it's a good thing to do, and I said a true thing.

Okay, why I'm number two, I just hanged out with Yael and Shira on the jumping mattress, and they just got out of their "fight" [they don't know how to fight, and they are best friends and I allowed myself to forget everything, you know, being so happy can be a curse sometimes.] and Yael sort of begged Shira [I can't use any other word for this "thing" they did] to be with her in the next two pairings.

Which was slightly rude, because I sat there, obviously hearing and seeing them.

It reminded me plenty of stuff.

Like that I'm always the second choice, and it was my choice to be it.

So I'm not really allowed to be that irritated by it, because I made it be this way, and that's my fault, but still, it stings.

I remember I said to myself that I want to be that one close friend, that is just out of being titled as a "close friend".

I need to leave now for school.

I'm back from school.

Today was nice.

Well, sort of.

It's quite weird for me to know what to exactly do.

I'm really confused. About what?  About everything! I know that it's normal during puberty, and that's how it always were, always is, and will always be.

I just don't know what to do, I'm not used to these weird happy and hyper highs, everything happens so fast, and it's exhausting! I mean, I just lose myself in that storm.

I just want to end it soon.

I wish that I'd have the option to just go to school, study, do my duty as a student, and just finish.

Would it kill others to understand?

Anyway, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my social status.

From one side, I feel like I have no need in friends, as I don't gain anything, and it fucking sucks from time to time.
But from the other side... I... I don't have one.

Maybe I should just get rid of relationships.

Socially isolate myself, why not? I may just as well stop being a functioning...

I just have this teeny-tiny, microscopical problem.

It's ram.

I love this place.

A vacation from the everyday strain of school.

These schools for the gifted. We [or they, I have no idea] are called this way, because it's a fucking gift to get some rest.

I also somewhat want to stay in the Cabria, but I might leave.

Good night, I'd continue tomorrow.

True.

I'm sitting, somewhat tired, because from some reason I woke up at around one am, and then at four am, and then at seven am, but at seven I woke up, which is okay.
But, I'm supposed to go to the doctor today.
I truly wish that I could tell you that I got pneumonia again, just as light, and if not, lighter, and I can stay in home.
Last time that I had light pneumonia, I stayed two long weeks in bed.
I only had television back then, so now it's okay.
I would be able to change positions in bed from at regular spot to watch TV, and to opposite side for using my laptop, because I'm going to try to put my charger in a way that will allow it to get up on my bed, probably using the ladder or some masking tape.
I'm creative when it comes to using this amazing bed building.
I don't even regretting not putting the planks on the other side...
It's a rectangular, so there's at the ladder side, that's near the wall, I got shelves, but on the other side, it's in front of the closet [not very big, so my room doesn't even allow obese people!] I don't have.

I just talked you about something really stupid.
That nobody even cares about... Unless you aspire to be room designers, or work  in  a workshop, and/or building wooden things.
I'm not really planning doing it.

I'm glad that I can.


My uterus is in pain, [periods fucking suck, you know?]  I wear only my jean romper on my legs, because I look hideous with leggings underneath it, and I'm going to probably wear long socks with it.

I fucking hate puberty.
That's not really new to you, but it's worth mentioning.

I'm stipsing.
Isn't new either, but this piece of this blog actually goes somewhere.
I'm answering and listening to music.
What music, Frank Iero.
Why? I don't know, it was suggested, so I said "why not?" and I accidentally clicked on a playlist that's not what I intended it to be, and now I got a huge playlist that doesn't end about every kind of artist that has something to do with similiar music, or just a cover videos.
I secretly wish that I'd get another video of that weird girl that couldn't sing I Will Always Love You.
 got some weird numbness in my legs.






Okay, I'm back from school, continued playing BFF of Frank Iero [I will not bow to titles, not just yet, we don't have animation this year, so I don't have to bother with having two untitled files and seven others "asdiuahldsgfiuocg"] and Cherry Iero.
I assume that the girls are their daughters.
Girls at these ages, espacially sisters are better with handling this stuff.
Or maybe it's just my brother who managed breaking two guitars [or was it three] while using them as weapons against my sister and I.
And he also used flutes.
I'm glad that my father stopped playing the Ood at home, the amount of times that my brother asked to play it, is too much.
At least he stopped using the weird cardboard "drum" from Coca-Cola that I gave him... He broke it.
And I'm really glad that I took my drumsticks away from him, it's better for us all.

Oh, it reminds me of something that always amuse me.
In the note I got from Coca Cola, with instructions and descriptions for each thing we received, there were a couple of warning that are funny, because it means it happened enough times to be used as a warning.
Not to put the drumsticks in the ears.
I think that we all know that the ideal spot for things are nose and mouth.
Why?
Nose is perfect, always, two holes that can stretch in an available spot [that's the real reason why people started weird underwear, they were tired that their prankster friend shoved sticks up their ass, really? No, but who knows, maybe!] and it fits itself to the object.

No. 1, five NIS coin, at least that's how
it is in 2014, before the entering of the
new bills.

My sister would agree with me, after I tried to shove a 5 NIS coin [the rather large one, see picture no.1] up her nose.

I feel like the new bills are just Israel's way to say "Europe, we strive to be you." But I guess it's alright, at least the coins remain, which is good.
I mean, I got some from 1987.
And there are plenty of cool stuff about these coins, in some of the 1 coins, there is a circle, I don't remember which type it is, the magnetic one or not, but it's really cool!
We also got these super old coins, with instead of the usual back, we got images! I can show you, I'll just have to take a picture.
We also got even older ones, like the Liras, they are really cool.
And, there used to be Agorots of 1 and 5 [the 1's are like cents] but the 1's are out of the used ones long ago [earlier than my birth if  I remember correctly] and the five's stopped being used at around 2008.



Oh, earlier, while I was making my happy-satan-tofu [I drew a devil emoji on my tofu wrapper], Harael called me, after quite a while, I told him that I can't hear a word that he says, because I'm listening to "very musical songs", he responded with something hilarious, "Yeah right, all the songs you hear are 'let's all kill ourselves, life is a living hell!'" and I told him his wrong, and that I'm listening to "The soap cried a lot of Svika Pik."
It's one of these songs that you know from when you're three but still will sing a bit of it for the rest of your life.
Why? Because it's really catchy, the part that everybody sings goes like this "Shurum zurum zurum rim, shurum zurum zurum rim, hem sharim hem sharim hem sharim..." which is the Shurum zurum zurum rim, and the "Hem sharim" is "They sing."
Who sings? The soap, and the toothbrush, and the toothpaste, and the sink, and everything else.
Yes, totally "let's all kill ourselves" which was a pretty good imitation, you can't just be offended and say it's not true, it's probably one of the better imitations, and it's surprising, he usually listens to rap, and dubstep, so the fact that he just threw into the air such a great version, is astounding.

He called me because he wanted that I'd come to the falafel too.


Oh, he just called me again, it's weird for me to see now his new name when his calling, I call him "MCRL" which is a really cool thing because he aspires to be a master of ceremonies, and his name is pronounced like R-L.
Together, I always think "Why would a mackerel call me?" and then it takes me a second to figure out that it's him.
I'm really stupid from time to time.


But not as stupid as the guys in Stips.
Wow they are stupid, and way too lazy to make their homework.
It's annoying.
Grow some brains and get your shit together.
Use fucking wikipedia, learn your English.

Today's highlight was when a sixteener asked me for help when it came to English and googling.
I'm not even kidding, it's pathetic!
I would be ashamed to not know such a simple thing.
English guys, it's fucking English.

Oh, a better part was when a girl asked for us to write in English about what Hitler did when she argued with an American.
Did you give it to her? No! Why would I?! I told her that she'd better stop arguing without knowing English well enough, she makes Israelis seem ignorant and another thing I forgot!
Sorry, I was busy understanding that in Japanese and Hungarian my name is pronounced identically.
I would say arabic too, but in Arabic, they managed having an alternative for the "V" they didn't have.
The stuff I understand at these odd times amaze me, I mean, what the fuck?

Okay, let me tell you what I think about now, what my "emotions" are [why in these marks? Because it's more like a bunch of weird shit going on and a bunch of hormonal bullshit.] and  I'd like to give you a great dose of "Dvashism".

True? True!

I catch one guy's eye quite a lot, he's looking at me, or staring at my direction... Well, I'm probably just imagining it and that's only my paranoid mind, right? Right! He's probably looking at the friend of his behind me. I'm the odd one! True? True!
I'm sorry, I'm just really nervous, I don't know what to think, I feel like I'm hurting everyone! Yesterday, we played dodgeball, and I tried to steal a ball [legal action] and I accidently scratched her near her eye! I ended up scratching the back of my hands for ten minutes.
Pure joy, isn't it?

Okay, I got Cabria tomorrow, it's alright, don't get me wrong, but it's that kind of thing that you just feel like sluggish and "Oh... Maybe I shouldn't go there..." even though that it's not that bad.
To be honest, I'd rather clean my room and listen nonstop to Duck Sauce's Barbra Streisand.
Which is a very bad example, because it's actually one of the rather fun stuff to do!
The lyrics are basically "Oooooooooh" multiple times and every once in a while it goes "Barbra  Streisand" and it's really nice thing to listen to.
It's very deep.
As deep as MCRL imitation, and if not, it's twice as deep!

I need to take a shower.

Heh, maybe later.


I wanted to say something, but I managed to forget!

Some explanation about what's going on now.
I'm sitting, the playlist goes on and on, and I'm feeling my nose tip from time to time, when I bathed, I noticed that the nostril area skin is peeling off.

I want now to go and be home schooled, or at least, put all of the interrupting and rude students away from the ones who actually want to study, it's quite annoying, even though that it prepares me to life, with teaching myself and stuff.


I was listening to The Light Behind Your Eyes, and now Frank Iero's cover of Extraordinary Girl.

And I remember that really awful truth I had to face.

I'm number two.
I'll explain later.

[Post Title]

Okay, okay, I'm trying to understand.
I'm in the middle of a phone call with Yael, without a point.
I don't understand it! Why would people have phone calls without anything to say, what is it? The fucking nineties.
I just don't get it. Maybe I'm too young, and not enough of a teenager [I'm researching and studying the topic, I got 7 months and a day until that day] so I cannot understand, but I doubt that.
I thought about continuing my translation from yesterday [all my trouble seemed so far away, had to, just because... Just because.] I decided that I should do it, because I started, so why not?

Lets see... Lets see...
"I can't cry"... Okay, got it, I'm writing the next one.
The I can't cry is of GLLIB.

Oh, it was me!
"I can't cry either, I relate it to weakness that I despise so much, [I] hate to cry, especially when I need to fake it to the psychologist. Oh well, [I actually wrote "נו שוין" which is roughly translated to "oh well" and I can't find anything that would work better, so, oh well] I got a couple of years and [then] I'll do whatever I'd like, even if it's not healthy."
I gave you quite a speech about translating and used Hebrew in this blog!

So, another person, mysterious Mr. Man person, said..
"So maybe you should go to a....


It's almost night, this is not as important as how energised I was after the practice.
I had some music time at the shower, and then my sister and I started doing "guess this song" game and it was fun.


Good night, love you.

Just kidding, I appreciate your existence.

New Things.

Well guys.
I think I got a cold.
My nose is or runny, or very dry, or blocked.
Each one is hell.
Last night I had really bad cramps, thank you period for being such a bloody bitch!
Pun.


Well, since I got some free time, and nothing to speak about but how awful my nose is, I'm going to show you some new stuff.

So, I really like these, the left ones are what I got in FaceQ, which is a really cute app for character making, and the right ones are edited through Adobe Ideas and Over.
I used Over for the "ISIS", and for the eyes and mouth of the smiley man.
Adobe got all the rest of stuff.
It's pretty cool in my opinion.
I really like it.

Anyway, I'm quite ill now, the cramps are killing me, and my nose is so annoying!
I'm going now to chill with some wikihow and polyvore.

Oh! I was thinking about veganism [wikihow...] and I wanted to tell you, the epidemic of veganism is awful! Why? Because now, it's just a trend, most of the people who started with it recently [at least in Israel] are just doing it for the trend, and they won't stick with it.
How do I know this? Because you have no idea how many people ask on Stips "Is [XYZ] vegan?" or "Is there a vegan [XYZ]?" clearly showing that they have no idea what they're doing.
I just hate them, they are genuine sheep.
I mean, can't you just do what you feel that's right for you, or bother doing some fucking research?! The fuck is wrong with you?!



Alright... I'm bored, ill, I have a headache, my nose is in pain and it's scruffy, I occasionally cough, and I'm having a conversation with a seventeener that's sure that I'm wrong for thinking that I should probably have my first partner after I'd be twenty.
I mean, it's ridiculous!
He thinks that at most it supposed to be sixteen.
But I know that there aren't any meaningful and truthful relationships at that age [usually].
I'd rather sit aside, read, learn, figure out what I'm going to do, and plan my way out of hating my job, my life, my partner, my everything by thirty, and probably committing suicide because life's a bitch.

There was a self harm question.
I'm going to translate it to you, because I'm a lovely person with a sense of humour, and there are many overemotional wussies around.
And I'm saying it when I'm on my period. With panic attacks each time I see a bug, and with great memory of mistakes.
I'm still fucking angry about that mental health card!
I mean, who the fuck uses "You know that I have social anxiety" on people?! WHO?! It was fucking low, lower than the Kineret... Lower than the dead sea.

Okay, ready? Go!

Wait...

The question is...
"I read a lot that teenagers cut themselves and I don't understand why? Can I get an explanation? Please!"

I answered first.
"It's really hard to explain exactly why, and it's a bit different with each person. Sorry that the answer isn't the most helpful, but that's the truth."

The asker in response: "I don't understand"/
And other dude, in this blog named GLLIB, said "I cut because I can't cry like anybody normal it's hard for me to cry from mental pain so I cry from physical pain and it's releasing but as it was said everyone's different".
Oh, I noticed now two things.
That he never heard of punctuation.
And that he infact has no problem with crying.
For me, crying is something that should be frowned upon.
The asker, once again: "Got it and you got blood? You need to stitch? Stick? Or that you're not doing it so deeply?"

I said "I didn't do deep [wussy in blood! literally!] but at eighteen I'd do deep and treat it at home, with bandages, wraps, medical equipment."
And he answered to the asker as well, "What stitching? And yes there's plenty of blood sometimes dizziness but afterwards it'sbetter than mentally suffering without crying | if I say to somebody older that I'd cut I suffer more"
I know that the "it'sbetter" is wrong, that's how it originally was.

The asker in response "Hahaha | Thanks!"
GLLIB: "Funny it's not"
And  I said "She was probably amused from my pun. Chill, we don't always run to hunt you, you answered well."

I'm just tired of that bullshit, open your fucking eyes, and wake up, people may hate you, you may be depressed, but if you can, and you possibly can [YOU'RE FUCKING THIRTEEN, WAKE UP!] so please, leave the fucking drugs you use, because it takes quite a lot to be that magically annoying [I want to hurt some people and sadly, it's illegal and I value my freedom.]

Another person (not asker, GLLIB, or I) suggested "So maybe listen to music instead of cutting, try another pain but don't cut..:( | like don't try pain haha.. I mean listen to a song that you get into and cry along"

GLLIB being as "good" as always.
"Okay now I say it simply so you'll understand I.-C.A.N.T.-C.R.Y.-L.I.K.E.-E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E."

I wish I had a vocalised gif that sings in high voice "Drama".
It makes me feel slightly ashamed that I'm thirteen.
As I assume, that at 2001, many accidents happen, half of them are births.
And I blame 2000 bug.


Okay, sorry, got to go to bed (yay! attempting to sleep even though that I'd have a crappy night thanks to the hellish air conditioning that got me sick) so, good night guys.